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Love in the Time of Cluelessness


Malentendre

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New to the forum, and haven't read through many threads yet. Sorry if this presents issues expansively discussed elsewhere, but I look forward to spending some time here and maybe finding my way in the world.

Seven months ago, I had a dream in which I kissed one of my friends. He responded warmly at first, but then drew back with a pained expression and asked me, 'Could we please not do that anymore?' That dream has since come true in a metaphorical sense, as my friend became my lover, then gradually drew back from a sexual relationship until we hit a point of inertia. Now, neither of us knows what to call our relationship, or whether it can endure, and I am wondering if he might be asexual.

A bit of context: I am bisexual and generally uncomfortable with my female body, though I haven't decided whether that translates to transgenderism. My boyfriend, who in his youth went home from Catholic school to a contrastingly open-minded family, is straight and similarly uncomfortable with being male. Neither of us have had a serious relationship before this.

I should have been more aware from the start. The dream wasn't the only indication that he might not be sexual the way that I and my friends are. Before we began seeing each other, he told me that he wanted nothing more in life than a 'human teddy bear', and claimed that physical closeness for him did not logically lead to sex. Still, it's hard to take these statements completely at face value, as he has also claimed to view sexual relations as a necessary, but not sufficient, condition for a romantic relationship. He's wrong, of course, and it's hard not to take this statement personally, but I think it reflects his own confusion more than anything else.

He never seemed to have a problem with the initiation of sexual activities between us, and he appeared to enjoy things in the moment. Every time something happened, though, he freaked out afterward. These freakouts were driven by intense feelings of guilt and disgust, and made me feel like both a sex-driven monster and a mere accessory to his physiological gratification, depending on the tone of the freakout. His attention had made me feel better about the body I had never been able to love; why was he rejecting that particular closeness between us? Didn't he feel it had emotional significance?

His reluctance to be sexually involved with me is clearly bothering him, too. 'I feel so torn,' he has said on numerous occasions. 'I want to be so incredibly close to you, but on the other hand I just don't feel ready.' But I'm not sure that he will ever be ready, and he seems generally happier now that we've agreed to temporarily remove the sexual aspect from our romance…while I just feel lonely.

I haven't broached the subject of asexuality yet, mostly because I feel I'm quite ignorant of the term's nuances. I've always been interested in queer issues, but asexuality seems to get left behind in much of the literature. When I do bring it up with him, I'm not sure where to go from there. I really love him and I know he cares for me as well. I just don't know if I have the life experience and emotional maturity to maintain a relationship for which I have no model, not to speak of the difficulty we would have explaining things to our friends. I certainly can't continue to be sexually involved with him, knowing the distress it causes him. But I do seriously want to help him and remain close to him, even as a good friend.

So, hi everyone. Thanks for listening.

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In my experience, its really hard to tell the difference between behavior based on asexuality and body dysmorphia, and only he has the ability to dig for the answer. It does seem that the less connected one is to one's gender, the more confusing sexuality is. On a basic level I understand this.

I guess my first question would be... do you notice a difference between the stuff he does and does not freak out about? Can gender / body issues be tied to those differences? That may be a good place to start.

In any case, like I said, only he can know what's going on in his head, and in all likelihood he doesn't know yet what's going on... he may have a "this feels wrong" thing without knowing why. Confusion and turmoil aren't necessarily bad things... people don't figure out they're trans, or gay, or asexual overnight. It took me years of my own obsessive thinking about it, plus years more of getting the people around me to accept it... so understand that whatever the outcome, having answers Right Now isn't as important as being open minded and supportive of the process.

How to talk about it is a whole other thing... you know him best, so approach it in the way you think he'll be receptive. Can you talk to him about anything? Then just go for it, I say. None of us have had a situation where one single conversation went perfectly, answered all the hanging questions, concluded with smiles all around, and required no additional thinking about it. You're going to have many, many talks, and sometimes you'll be upset, and sometimes he'll be upset, and there will be confusion and misunderstandings... not in a bad way, just in a that's how it goes way.

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