Identification is Hard!

[KateK]

I've had trouble for a long time identifying as anything in particular. I insisted to myself that I was straight, even though I had thoughts of wanting to kiss female friends as well as male ones - always friends, and it was more just fleeting thoughts in both cases, rather than a full-fledged interest. Then I acknowledged that and identified as pansexual, but it still didn't seem to fit. And then I found demisexual and it seemed right. I've dated two guys, and in both cases, we were friends first and I was not attracted to them physically until our connection had deepened. However, with my second boyfriend, I was spooked off by cuddling and general clinginess emotionally as well, even though I could make out with him and not feel spooked at all. But I can cuddle with my female friends easily enough. I currently am not seeing anyone, though I have a crush on a female friend of mine - which is an awkward situation for lots of reasons including distance and the fact that I'm the only single one in this equation. So, not planning to say anything anytime soon, and hoping it goes away.

I identify as demisexual and panromantic, they're the terms that seem to fit me best. I have a sex drive, I can become aroused by porn - though it's usually written scenes, and photos/drawings do pretty much nothing for me except to leave me feeling a little awkward. I've only watched two videos, and only one of those had an effect. The thing is, I don't react to porn because of the acts shown or described (mostly, though I do react more quickly when certain things are involved), I react to putting myself in one of the participants' heads. Most of the things I read are sexual scenes in larger stories, so there is emotion to the situation. (This is also true for sexual scenes I have RPed, somewhat clumsily as a virgin who is also not male, like some of my characters. And yes, RP, I'm a geek.) But in real life, I might think that, oh, that person is lovely to look at, their eyes are gorgeous and I could stare into them forever, or that accent (UK/Irish/Aussie/New Zealander accents) is a joy to listen to. But it doesn't correspond to "I want sexual contact". To actually want so much as a kiss, I need that click. So demi feels like it's what fits me best, but I wonder sometimes. Maybe I'm just so used to questioning that I can't stop poking at it? I do tend to over-analyze things.

[Faelights]

*huuuugs* Yeah, I know what you mean... things can be so hazy sometimes!!!

I mean, I currently believe that the most accurate general label for me is (hyper)panromantic asexual. However, I also react to sexual scenes by putting myself in one of the participants' heads... I know that sexual activity can feel good, so I've sought it out with a significant other before, because I know that other person can provide the sensations I want, and I trust them... but there's no sexual attraction to that person involved; I'm just being hedonistic...

So I go through a lot of confusion as well. You're not alone!!! *huuuugs*

Also, I think questioning is a fun thing to do, as long as one doesn't get too immersed in it that they lose themselves completely to the anxiety of not knowing.

[KateK]

Yeah, that was one of my problems for a while, getting caught up in the "but nothing fits, so what am I?" question. I like having terms like demisexual and panromantic, they're sort of grounding while I can also explore and try to understand that there's a spectrum to it, and it's not just that people are at different places. But each person can have a spectrum in themselves. It's a fascinating idea, but sometimes, like when I wrote this post, I'm like "I just want it to be simple!!"

Only sexual activity I know anything about firsthand is without a partner, but for me it's like, I can want sexual contact of some types sometimes with someone I already know and care for deeply, but not otherwise. Why would anyone want a stranger or even someone you don't know well doing that? How are you even attracted to just a pretty face, a nice smile, or a bit of charm? I called demisexuality a sort of enforced chastity once, because it feels a lot like what the Generation Life presenters at my high school said a chastity mindset should be, but their chastity is taming sexual urges to be that way, so it's a choice. I kept triggering sexual-type thoughts in my head because I was "supposed to" but the only time they were genuine was if I already cared about someone. Otherwise it was lip-service, whether said for an audience or just in my head to convince myself.

But it's definitely good to know that questioning is normal. I belong to an LGBTQIA discussion group at my college, and a lot of the people there seem so secure in what they say they are - or they reject labels entirely, but as a writer I like to have some kind of definition, because words have power and I respect that, I try to use that. So when I'm confused and waffling on where I fit, I start feeling awkward because I should apparently either know or not want to define it at all. And neither of those work very well for me. I like a baseline, but I want to explore beyond that too.

[Li-]

I'm very similar (although I jumped out of the straight box at an early age). I've just discovered demi and panr (which I also feel seems to fit me best) but I had been simplifying it to asexual (because I didn't really know anything else.

(A little backstory: I've had sex and I know it is enjoyable but I don't really care for it that much. I don't get sexual urges unless it's with people I have known for a very long time. I would rather do anything but have sex (and this isn't because of an unpleasent experience) but I have to have been with the person for a long time. I can't imagine kissing anyone I don't know very well or anything, the whole concept freaks me out.)

I read the description of demi on the wikia for aven and the one part I disagreed on is about not concentrating on how they look. I do that all the time, I'm horrifically shallow, but I might have been reading into things.

What I worry most is along the lines of overthinking. Not only do I worry that I'm overthinking things but that I'm trying to make myself special. This is my very own box for me to sit in because I don't fit in the others because that's how special I am. I don't believe that I am but I worry that I'm maknig myself that. Self discovery is very difficult ¬¬

[KateK]

I notice appearance as well, and when I know a person, finding them physically attractive can play a role, but when I don't know them, it's just an appreciation of "oh, they're pretty to look at".

I definitely agree about the fears of making yourself "special" because I've wondered that too. But when none of the other words seemed right, and these little-known ones did, well... I'm pretty sure it's not just in my head. I simply say, if asked, that I'm open to relationships regardless of gender, but I won't be attracted to someone I don't already know well. I don't use the terms because they're not well-known enough and I haven't really got the patience to explain.

I overthink everything, so I expected to overthink this, and I do, even though I did feel that "aha!" moment when I read the definition of demisexual. I keep wondering if I convinced myself that's what I am just to have a name, etc. But I tend to ignore myself when not in an overthinking mood because I know how I get. :D

[Li-]

I totally had an "aha" moment too. I was practically bowled over by how simple it seemed and then very much suspicious of it

I haven't had much explaining recently to anyone, just ranting to my friend at the identity crisis I kept having because I didn't know who or what I was and it was bothering me (even though really a label or box doesn't make you any different at all).

Sometimes I wish I was just easier. You know "normal". But where would the fun be in that?

[KateK]

Sometimes being normal does appeal - but then I remember that there's no such thing as normal. Seriously, define it for me. :D I'm the quirky, bookworm, fandom-loving variant on the girl next door; I was never entirely normal so maybe that makes it a bit easier for me.

Labels don't make you different - as the friend I semi-freaked out to online when I first found demisexuality said, "you have always been this way" - but it does give an anchor of sorts. And that's a comfort in its way.

[Li-]

You sound pretty awesome actually! I'm the hoarding, book-reading, music-creating, quiet-until-you-know-me type. Normal isn't even getting a look in on that equation :lol:

I tried to tell my friend about my "great discovery" as it were but she was apparently asleep and will hopefully get my text in the morning. I do love comforting anchors. It also helps if anyone asks about it because then you don't have that whole embarrassed look when you don't know how to define and yet everyone else IN THE WHOLE WORLD seems to know perfectly well what they are. I reckon most of them are bluffing :P

[KateK]

One thing that helped me was having recently listened to a friend work out her own identity crisis - one reason why I then turned to that same friend for mine. I agree, many people are bluffing. :)

Thank you, you sound pretty awesome too. :D