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What is 'Sexual attraction'?

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PanFicto.
6 minutes ago, Artila said:

hopefully I'll awaken soon - I want to have clarity!

Or maybe you won't have an awakening and that's totally okay too :3 I've been celibate for 9 years now and haven't had any form of physical intimate relationship with another person since long before I had my 'awakening' so heck, maybe it won't work for me physcially anyway heh. Doesn't stop me craving it sometimes though :3

 

But if it turns out you're absolutely asexual forever, that's totally cool too ^_^

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Artila
4 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

Or maybe you won't have an awakening and that's totally okay too :3 I've been celibate for 9 years now and haven't had any form of physical intimate relationship with another person since long before I had my 'awakening' so heck, maybe it won't work for me physcially anyway heh. Doesn't stop me craving it sometimes though :3

 

But if it turns out you're absolutely asexual forever, that's totally cool too ^_^

Yea that is one possibility. But idk I wanna feel the cool stuffs others report to feel haha so I'd be a lil happier if I awoke one day. I mean there is only a small step from where I am to having sexual feelings. Also I am obviously repressed to some degree due to emotional abuse so I guess that all is just one big unpredictable cocktail. 

Heh... COCKtail... ok imma stop

 

I'll wait with labeling myself until I have been in a sexual situation with someone who I am infatuated with. I figure that if my sexual awakening doesn't happen while under full love-insanity chances are, it will never.

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PanFicto.
1 minute ago, Artila said:

Heh... COCKtail... ok imma stop

ehehehe :ph34r:

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Telecaster68
Just now, Artila said:

Yea that is one possibility. But idk I wanna feel the cool stuffs others report to feel haha so I'd be a lil happier if I awoke one day. I mean there is only a small step from where I am to having sexual feelings. Also I am obviously repressed to some degree due to emotional abuse so I guess that all is just one big unpredictable cocktail. 

Heh... COCKtail... ok imma stop

 

I'll wait with labeling myself until I have been in a sexual situation with someone who I am infatuated with. I figure that if my sexual awakening doesn't happen while under full love-insanity chances are, it will never.

It might be a 'right relationship' thing with you, I guess. When you feel safe and and understood by someone, you could surprise yourself.

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Artila
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It might be a 'right relationship' thing with you, I guess. When you feel safe and and understood by someone, you could surprise yourself.

I heckin bet on that ;u;

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SimplySleepy
Posted (edited)

TMI maybe. I've experienced sexual attraction once, quite out of the blue; while I was watching a movie, and Mera from Aquaman in her tight sparkly mermaid suit walked out of the water, it dripping to her cleavage. I realised not only that I hadn't experienced sexual attraction before this - and that probably made me pretty asexual?? - but that I could somehow just know what the feeling was. Well... I didn't know instantly. For a little bit I was confused as to what this weird sudden feeling I'd never felt before was, but as soon as I realised I chased the feeling (I really desperately wanted to be allo, as allo as I could get) but after just a few seconds it disappeared, and even after half an hour of flicking through scantily clad water-women later that night, I couldn't find it again. I wouldn't quite describe it as "wanting to have sex with her" or anything like that; I think it is, as annoying as it is to include the word you're defining in the definition, a sexual attraction to her... I have no idea how to describe this, it feels like one of those things you "feel" and understand - though I know that's annoying in and of itself, because it can be easy to wonder "maybe I won't even realise" with feelings. I used to not really understand the feeling of hunger, and it annoyed me to no end whenever someone asked me if I was hungry - but with practice, I've learnt to distinguish it. Sexual attraction is different, because I don't feel it often (and I haven't felt it even once more since that fateful movie event, which grrrr, so annoying), and I'm mad that I don't experience it more often. I don't especially consider myself asexual, because I still plan to have sex, have sexual relationships, and I masturbate and have fantasies. I feel as if I have all the components of a sexual person (sexual desire, libido, arousal, kinks etc.) without the sexual attraction, and it's annoying. I do watch porn, but I don't get aroused by people's appearances (rather a select few kinks), and I usually forgo it to just use my own brain... I don't really know what that makes me, but I sure as hell am going to date and sleep with whoever I feel like (as long as everybody is consenting ofc) and try not to keep on overthinking this. I am still kind of crossing my fingers and hoping that I'll just magically feel sexual attraction naturally, later on. Who knows.

 

ALSO, I have always been so confused about my straight friend's ogling of men's abs. I just don't get it. What makes abs sexually attractive??

Edited by SimplySleepy

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Telecaster68
Just now, SimplySleepy said:

What makes abs sexually attractive??

Same thing as made the cleavage attractive to you...

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MistaT33
On 1/18/2012 at 10:39 AM, Guest member25959 said:

because in my case I know my body responds to sexual stimulus, the difference is that my mind isn't interested.

I'm kinda still figuring this this out, but this is a good description.  The second and last time I had sex, the holding hands and kissing, my head and body were on the same page, then she got more and more handsy, and I got that feeling of like a bat flying around your head. Like I wanted to run and shrink into a ball all at once.

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Rhyll

So is it possible to feel a demi-sensual attraction as well? Because I usually only feel a ‘oh I wanna hug them’ or ‘I wonder how it would feel if I kissed them (more peck-on-the-lips than french kissing)’ after having an emotional connection with someone. Also I notice when people are hot or gorgeous and get the feeling that I want to just trace the lines of their body, just threading through their hair or tracing the lines of muscle in someones back or kiss their cheeckbones, is that sexual attraction? And to be honest not all parts of sex seem horrible to me, only some parts seem really nasty to me?

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SimplySleepy
On 8/11/2020 at 10:40 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Same thing as made the cleavage attractive to you...

Yeah, and what makes cleavage attractive??

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ModestFox

I feel like nearly all my messages so far have a TMI warning xD This one isn’t an exception. Not that it has very explicit details here, just in case.

 

I started writing a blog post on this topic but since I don’t expect anyone to read it anytime soon, I’d like to share my ideas here. The post is about the reasons why I decided to identify as greysexual, it includes talking about definition debates and what I learnt recently from reading AVEN. After I read some more of the thread where I posted a few days ago, I realised I have to rewrite my blog post entirely, because at that point everything suddenly started making sense 😮 I still have doubts but I feel less confused now and more confident about my identity and what it means to me. For now. So before I resume reading and overthinking again, I want to share it. It’s going to be mostly about desire and intrinsic need for sexual contact, and a bit about sexual attraction.

 

What has been confusing me the most in my soul-searching is that I am apparently sex-averse to a significant extent. In the sense that I’m fine with hearing and talking about it but would be uncomfortable doing it myself, ranging from feeling uneasy when I try to imagine myself in that role to feeling scared at the prospect. It’s not really repulsion, if you don’t count sex acts that most people would be repulsed by, mostly it just weirds me out, or I don’t want to do it for some other reason.

I know everyone has their own preferences, the problem is that the amount of what I am currently comfortable with is supposedly even smaller than that of a compromising asexual. It might change with a partner who doesn’t put pressure on me or has expectations that are unrealistic at this point, and it might change with more experience and exposure, but it’s not something I can promise right now.

I can think of very few acts, if any, that I’m indifferent to, those I am totally okay with but don’t really need or enjoy. Still, the rest of it is things I personally enjoy and desire, or I think I do, and my real-life experience confirmed some already. It requires a high level of comfort for me to actually do them, though. I don’t feel like it’s a problem in itself that I need to fix. All I need is an understanding partner whose preferences are compatible with mine. I mean, anyone needs a partner like that. I just find compromising harder than some (most?) people.

 

So, things I want to do. Some of it is because of curiosity, to find out what it’s like, or how it feels when someone else does it to me. But the rest is because I actually seem to have that intrinsic need for sexual contact, and this is how I determined it. I’ll start with how it differs from what I heard and what it isn’t for me, and then what I think defines it (might not be true for other non-asexuals).

I can see sexual activity as an expression of love but I don’t necessarily need to express it that way. I would prefer to express love with words or hugs, and I’d say kissing but so far that only happens in my imagination rather than in reality.

I don’t know how I’d feel in terms of self-worth if I was dating an asexual and didn’t know they were asexual. If I knew, I wouldn't take it personally. While having some sexual experience did boost my self-esteem, it doesn’t seem to play an important role in my motivation.

Do I seek physical pleasure, then? It feels nice, but I don’t think that’s the main thing I’m after, either, since I don’t even need sex to feel great for it to be fulfilling. I do pretty well on my own ^_^

Nope, it’s not just physical, it’s definitely in my head. I can enjoy the sheer fact of being in a sexual situation and get turned on by it. Although that last part might not mean a lot, since I think it's possible for an ace to be aroused by that, too? Most would probably be turned off when they themselves are involved, but... Sigh. In any case, they don't seem interested in doing anything with genitals, generally speaking. But I am! I’m interested in that kind of contact, even if it’s a brief, light touch, and even contact with associated fluids. I’m sure that’s mainly what I need out of it, what I want and what I would miss if I had none of that contact with my partner. It’s almost as if it was a kink like the one I have, except that this is as far from abnormality as it can get. In fact, the two feel similar, just directed at different things. I think for aces kinks aren't exactly like that, I didn’t look into that yet... Actually, I’ve been into my mine since I was a child xD So it can’t be entirely sexual, right? ...

 

If not all non-asexuals feel this way, then it could be that I have more fetishes that I thought ^ ^’ Still, the contact I described does feel like a connection with another person. It also looks like I’m bi, or pan, because I can imagine it happening with a woman, too, but that’s something I need to test in real life.

 

I think, then, it's possible for some asexuals to enjoy just the physical sensations, or their partner’s pleasure, but not feel that whole thing I described. That is, to them genitals are just body parts and there’s nothing special about them. I really like the comparison to kink, because sexuals who aren’t into mine could react to it in ways like “Why would someone do that?” or “I tried but it does nothing to me.” Some would find it repulsive, some would find it interesting and ask questions, and some even wouldn’t mind doing it for their partner’s sake. It wasn't really my own idea, I once read a post by a kinky ace blogger, and they said something like "Sex is just a kink I'm not into." That makes perfect sense to me.

 

Now, my guess about sexual attraction is that it’s something I feel towards my current romantic partner, because sex with him was way more comfortable and less weird than I imagine it would be with one of my friends, if I forced myself to x) I have a purely platonic relationship with that friend and we’re not very close, so it’s probably not the best example, but it works. Although who knows, there's a mysterious thing going on with responsive desire that totally confuses me, but at least I know it never felt right to imagine or even talk about sex with him ^ ^'

I’ve heard people say they experience sexual attraction but have no desire to act on it. I also heard some say they feel the desire but not attraction, and that’s where controversy usually begins. Well, we don’t have to call the second group asexual if it can harm the rest of the community. Ideally, though, no one should have to justify their boundaries, whatever those are, whatever their orientation is… I just kind of want to defend that group a bit because I wondered if they feel like, for example, straight people when for a long time they’re isolated from the gender they find attractive. Or if I imagine never meeting anyone I'd be attracted to more than the friend I mentioned. That doesn't sound fun 😐

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Sarah-Sylvia

@ModestFox You're sex averse but you also are ok with sex and actively want it?
Sex to me can feel like a kink for sure, in one sense, and I prefer to be intimate with partners in other ways.

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ModestFox

@Sarah-Sylvia I'm averse to a lot of sexual acts, and okay with very few, but I do want those I'm okay with. Probably not as averse as an asexual would be, since I might find at least some of them enjoyable if I wasn't averse. It must be uncommon for non-asexual people to use this terminology but I don't know a better term to describe it ^ ^'

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 minute ago, ModestFox said:

@Sarah-Sylvia I'm averse to a lot of sexual acts, and okay with very few, but I do want those I'm okay with. Probably not as averse as an asexual would be, since I might find at least some of them enjoyable if I wasn't averse. It must be uncommon for non-asexual people to use this terminology but I don't know a better term to describe it ^ ^'

Oh ok. Why do you want those sexual acts? If I can ask.

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ryn2
27 minutes ago, ModestFox said:

 I'm averse to a lot of sexual acts, and okay with very few, but I do want those I'm okay with.

So is it accurate to say that you find a (far?) narrower range of sexual acts appealing than do many sexuals?

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Nowhere Girl
On 8/10/2020 at 12:18 PM, Artila said:

Yea that is one possibility. But idk I wanna feel the cool stuffs others report to feel haha so I'd be a lil happier if I awoke one day.

I definitely don't want to. I consider myself quite the opposite of a "simple person", I'm inclined to chew on my particular thoughtfeelings over and over in my diary, and yet when it comes to the sexual, it is all very simple - with my sex aversion and nudity aversion on the top and influencing every other aspect. I don't want to ever feel sexual desire explicitly because the idea of personally having sex is so horrible to me. I don't feel "immediate desire", "potential desire" or even any willingness to have sex with any particular person explicitly because I don't want to have sex ever.

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ModestFox
22 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Oh ok. Why do you want those sexual acts? If I can ask.

Good question ^ ^’ It’s not easier to explain than why I like a particular genre of music.

First of all, I enjoy the feeling of being aroused, and doing things usually arouses me more than thinking about them. They also feel good just because stimulation feels good. Some of those sensations are something I can only do with another person. Using an example that isn’t sexual, you can’t… well, you can hug yourself, but it won’t feel exactly like hugging someone else. Somehow those sensations are important enough for me to include them in my bucket list. And there’s also pleasure that originates in my mind rather than body, that is harder to pin down.

 

22 hours ago, ryn2 said:

So is it accurate to say that you find a (far?) narrower range of sexual acts appealing than do many sexuals?

To be honest, I don’t really have a good understanding of how most sexuals feel about different acts and how they rate them. There are probably statistics and surveys on this but I haven’t read any. My impression is based on a few conversations, some opinions and pieces of information I heard from different sources, so I might be further from the truth than I think. I’d be happy to find out if there are plenty of sexuals with preferences like mine. Or maybe not plenty, and then I’d be happy to know where to find them, instead of miraculously coming across one like I happened to…

 

I guess I could narrow it down to three types of stimulation that seem to be essential for many sexuals of any orientation. The first one, I don’t know how to call it with just one word so it'll have to be stimulation by hand. Then there’s oral sex, and penetration. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think if you’re not into at least one of the last two, you’re likely going to have compatibility problems with many people.

 

Contains personal details some might not want to read but explains how for me sex can be both a source of stress and pleasure.

 

Spoiler

Starting with good news. I’m okay with using hands. I tried it, enjoyed both giving and receiving, and would like to do it again. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing xD But he found it pleasant and so did I. It won’t hurt to do my homework by next time. I didn’t plan for it to be proper, I just wanted to explore a little.

I’m okay with my partner going down on me but I haven’t tried it going down on him (he didn’t expect me to return it, thought that was important to mention). For a long time I used to avoid reading or even thinking about it because it was so... formidable. Is that the right word? I saw it as some kind of feat and thought “I could never do that…” Then one night about a month ago I got really upset about it – why others can and I can’t, even though I'm not repulsed – and it must have switched something on because the next day I felt like it wasn’t a bad idea anymore ^ ^’ I was afraid the feeling would go away if I imagined it in detail, so I tried to get used to it slowly and carefully, until I felt I could at least read some tips, and it helped. So much that I can enjoy it as a fantasy now. That still doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind when it’s in person, that it won’t take me a lot longer, or that some other problem won’t get in the way, but at least I’m willing to try.

Penetration is another sensitive topic because it never appealed to me but everyone seems to expect it. To the point that it isn’t sex if it doesn’t involve it, which I totally disagree with. Using an object to penetrate someone doesn’t sound appealing, either, but if I had to choose between the two, I’d probably prefer that. Or if they really, really wanted me to… I’m actually fairly passive so it would be more typical of me to choose a passive role but I have my reasons. And I know I’m not alone, I have seen a few sexuals here who don’t like PIV. I might want to try one day, but if it doesn’t go well, I’d like my partner to be fine with me never ever trying again.

 

There’s not much left to do, is there? Well, there a few things, and whatever else I might come up with. It seems most people don’t take these seriously, or they find them less exciting, or less preferable. I personally think they’re underrated. I mean, people seem to like dry humping, don’t know how many. I wonder if it would chafe or if I’d feel anything through clothes, but it sounds nice just because it’s a safe way to rub against a male partner.

Speaking of rubbing, evidence points to it being my most favourite sexual activity. The idea always appealed to me, and I found out not too long ago that it can feel really nice if done right ^ ^'

I have one more example but it already looks like it belongs more in The Sex Talk than in a thread about what sexual attraction is, sorry about that >_>


Oh, right, one more thing. I don’t really want to see my partner naked, maybe one day but not yet. And I don’t really want to see what I’m doing, either. I’d feel most comfortable and least restrained in a dark room, or in very dim light. I think it’s not uncommon. It took me a while to be able to masturbate in bright light. I also find it hard to “switch off” my mind and stop overanalysing. My partner said he felt really silly at first, too.

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Sarah-Sylvia

@ModestFox it sounds like you do have sexual attraction then, it's just you have some reservations about some sexual things but sounds like you're able to get over some of it and feel more comfortable with some.

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ModestFox
9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

it sounds like you do have sexual attraction then, it's just you have some reservations about some sexual things but sounds like you're able to get over some of it and feel more comfortable with some.

Yeah, that's what I think it is, too. I've been so interested in asexuality mostly because I can relate in a sense, when it comes to things I have reservations about, and my reluctantce to deal with those reservations. As well as facing problems with sexual compatibility.

While I am almost sure that I feel sexual attraction to just one person currently, which is usually a reason for someone to see themselves on the ace spectrum, I haven't really considered it a problem, and some people here say it's not too uncommon.

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, ModestFox said:

Yeah, that's what I think it is, too. I've been so interested in asexuality mostly because I can relate in a sense, when it comes to things I have reservations about, and my reluctantce to deal with those reservations. As well as facing problems with sexual compatibility.

While I am almost sure that I feel sexual attraction to just one person currently, which is usually a reason for someone to see themselves on the ace spectrum, I haven't really considered it a problem, and some people here say it's not too uncommon.

Yeah some people don't feel it for as many. And I've been told it's normal to feel it for only one person at a time 😜
But I'm mono and I can still feel it for many at a time. Well, not sexual attraction, I don't feel that, but the rest. and I put myself in graysexual because it's not totally impossible to sometimes feel it for brief moments. Not enough to really do much with it tho.

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ModestFox

I don't even have fantasies about anyone else, except an abstract girlfriend I imagine I could have, I hope she exists. And then I'd worry about falling in love with her because my partner wouldn't mind me having a girlfriend but doesn't want me to leave as a result...

The rest is third-person kinky stuff that used to disturb me but it works better than anything else 🙄

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Skycaptain

Sorry this won't be a super-helpful answer for everyone. 

I've always been touch-averse, no kissing, hugging or anything. Never felt any sexual attraction or desire. People wanting to get close just felt "wrong" somehow, it's "Yes, we can talk here in public, but that's as far as it will ever go". 

 

However, with the right person everything that felt wrong before suddenly felt like the most natural thing in the world. I can only describe it as being such a total shift in feelings, akin to reversing the polarity of an electrical system. 

 

Granted we both (now) identify as demi, and it's taken years to get here. 

 

 

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