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What is 'Sexual attraction'?


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On 11/18/2021 at 10:30 PM, confusedscaredahhh said:

I've been going through cycles of major anxiety/depression over my sexuality since puberty started and am currently in the middle of a loooooooong and intense freak out over the concept of sexual attraction/asexuality. I read threads like this and can go "oh, I have that intrinsic desire for sex, maybe I'm not asexual" and feel at peace and then sometimes I start going BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T AND YOU JUST THINK YOU SHOULD. And then of course there's the whole sexual attraction thing, which always causes me loads of distress when I'm on Reddit and see descriptions of what that's like. And if you've ever been on Reddit well... they are VERY much into asexuality being solely defined by lack of sexual attraction, and pretty insistent that sexual attraction is a specific, strong thing. 

 

So idk I'm probably going to regret this but here's where the anxiety is tonight. I'm going to lay out my "evidence" for experiencing sexual attraction and desire for sex. Let me know if it's legit or I'm lying to myself if you will? 

 

Background: 28F, no romantic or sexual experience*. Long history of anxiety and depression around all things related to this. Am on birth control and an SNRI (have been on SSRIs in the past). Body image issues due to a double mastectomy. Fabulous background all around.

 

*did have one instance of kissing/some touching. Was with a longtime romantic crush that I had never been on a date with but had befriended and wanted to be in a relationship with. Never had many sexual feelings for him, and the experience was underwhelming. I've been told this might have just been inexperience/awkwardness?

 

Spoilers are things I don't think a sex-repulsed person wants to read.

 

Is any of this sexual attraction?

  1. Especially as a teenager, I've had physical/mental reactions to women's body parts (re: boobs) that never seemed quite platonic. Hard to describe... like a bit of a jolt? Tingling, sometimes. Often accompanied by salivating. I'd feel embarrassed and guilty, and freak out that I was gay. Sometimes (happened today!) it's accompanied by
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    feeling wet/genital tingling.

    . Oddly, mostly happens with pictures/media vs real life?
  2. I've had instances of some sort of energy/pull towards various men in real life, especially teachers/professors. It's like feeling flustered and excited and there's a definite physicality to it... not like "I wanna fuck him!" but more like I'm especially aware of his presence in a way that makes me nervous but excited? I had some sense of this while dating one guy, but we only made it two dates and I was nervous as hell so never got to really explore it.
  3. Once met a guy at a party (didn't really interact) who I thought was gorgeous and later that night 
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    masturbated to a fantasy of having sex with him.

    Was it accompanied by a huge magnetic pull/crazy physical feelings or the actual want to have real sex with him that night? No. Would I have said yes if he asked me out and been excited at the possibility of sex in the future? Pretty sure yes.

  4. Got a new coworker at work, thought she was super pretty. Started having thoughts of  

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    what it would be like to go down on her.

    It was a weird mix of pleasurable and super embarrassing/shameful? I was like thank god mind reading isn't a thing. Went away after a day or so and wasn't accompanied by a huge crush or anything.

  5. Have sought out pictures of naked women (cough/r/dykesgonewildcough) and felt lust/"damn I want to touch!"

Is any of this intrinsic desire to have sex (that counts)?

  1. Biggest clue: 
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    sometimes straight up feel like I want to give a blowjob/have a penis inside me.

    No one in particular usually, just like a "damn that would be nice!". Almost always happens during/right after my period and isn't SUPER common. But it feels like an actual libido kicking in, while when I masturbate it's usually just like "ooh that would feel nice." It does seem especially common when I'm already preoccupied with sexuality thoughts though.

  2. I get really excited to explore sex related media (like advice) and imagine it relating to my life. Got really excited when I started dating and bought condoms and lube lol. Love the idea of being sexually active.

  3. Especially when I first started masturbating, 

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    I've associated toys/feelings to what they might feel like in actual sex. So things like "ooh this vibrator says it's close to feeling like a tongue."

  4. While online dating, I've considered signing up for ace dating sites/connecting with aces, but I always get sad/unenthused at the prospect of there being NO chance for something sexual to happen.
  5. Something about the concept of being asexual is extremely, unimaginably distressing to me. There's a deep grief with it that I never felt when I worried about being gay, for example. Yes, part of that is certainly the idea of being in an extreme minority and not feeling what others feel, but the majority of the grief is around how deeply unfair it is to not feel the things that make this wonderful seeming thing (sex) enjoyable. Deep fear that I can never enjoy sex, and a sense of a huge deprivation with that.
  6. I know fantasies don't count! But mine are a bit different than what most aces seem to describe... they do involve me and are about what I imagine having sex would feel like. Mix of first and third person, and mostly about fictional characters which I know is a huuuuuuge ace thing though... I do find myself wishing I could actually experience them.

At the very least I definitely seem to have a very low libido and well... the anxiety. Thinking about having sex is terrifying! And seems super awesome! But is super scary and I'm so afraid I'll never find my person/enjoy it!

 

Does any of that sound like sexual attraction? Or am I actually a repressed, in-denial ace who needs to get over herself already? Or both haha

A lot of this resonates with me.  I have OCD which causes a lot of confusion and doubt about my sexual orientation and sexuality.  Your comment “but what if you don’t and just think you should” is a thought I have constantly.  Along with “what if I’m wrong about this” and compulsions such as checking   my attraction or trying to force feeling one way or another.  
 

Don’t want to put you in a box or assume anything, but this sounds very similar to my experience and thought since you mentioned anxiety that perhaps you might want to discuss this with a therapist and consider OCD.  

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confusedscaredahhh
11 hours ago, KLids said:

A lot of this resonates with me.  I have OCD which causes a lot of confusion and doubt about my sexual orientation and sexuality.  Your comment “but what if you don’t and just think you should” is a thought I have constantly.  Along with “what if I’m wrong about this” and compulsions such as checking   my attraction or trying to force feeling one way or another.  
 

Don’t want to put you in a box or assume anything, but this sounds very similar to my experience and thought since you mentioned anxiety that perhaps you might want to discuss this with a therapist and consider OCD.  

Thank you for sharing your experience! I have definitely considered OCD. I definitely have some symptoms... the checking is a constant problem for me whenever I'm in one of these spirals. In this latest asexuality spiral (I think this is my third?) I just cannot stop Googling every single doubt I have trying to find a way out of being ace. And I can't stop posting my entire life story to every place I can find! I have made like ten posts on this topic on Reddit 😵💫

 

I actually found out about this type of OCD because I went through a meltdown in college where I thought I had an extremely awful paraphilia. I've been able to rationalize that as OCD/anxiety... at least I hope so, dear god. But then I started thinking "maybe all of my sexual orientation doubts were actually OCD and I'm really just asexual?" which didn't bother me at first but has led to just absolute misery the older I get. All that pain and suffering and in the end I get... nothing. I really hope this is anxiety/OCD too.

 

I actually have a long time therapist but she's never brought up OCD. Maybe I should just ask about it? But she recently revealed that she thought asexuals can't orgasm (!??) (I did get her to Google this during a session thank God) so she might have been steering me wrong this entire time hahahahaHAHA

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On 12/2/2021 at 8:20 PM, confusedscaredahhh said:

I just cannot stop Googling every single doubt I have

Yep, been there!! That’s how I found out you can only have 500 internet tabs open in Safari before it won’t let you open anymore, who knew!?

 

Might be worth investigating with your therapist, though I will say that unless she’s had experience and training with OCD, she might not fully understand or be able to do a proper assessment for you.  It really requires a specialist in my opinion because of all the different ways it manifests make it really tricky. 
 

Good luck with your quest for an answer! My therapist would be saying “you’re never going to find it”.  Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more about this.

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  • 2 months later...

Are any of these experiences sexual attraction?

 

1. feeling aroused by intimacy, and wanting more of that intimacy because of that arousal. (examples are, like, someone you like compliments you, or asks you out, or you're cuddling with someone you like, or someone you like touches you in some normal way but you feel this sexual response.... etc... intimacies that aren't normally seen as sexual.)

 

2. feeling titilated.

 

3. Thinking about their genitles, as if it was appealing. You would like to see it. The idea of catching a glimpse of it is exciting and makes you want to look for it or fantasize that they'll let you look if you ask, and feel excited by it.

 

4. Loving chests/butts, like, it's the best thing in the world. and you also feel slightly aroused looking at it. 

 

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On 2/9/2022 at 3:48 PM, Burgundy Ashe said:

Are any of these experiences sexual attraction?

They are all sexual responses, but as always, I say forget this idea of 'attraction' and just ask yourself if you ever desire sexual activity with anyone. That's what matters when it comes to asexuality.

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  • 10 months later...
Snarkyaxolotl

I guess you could say that sexual attraction is only liking the idea of someone sexually, but sexual desire means actually wanting to do the thing

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  • 3 weeks later...

To me, it is the connection between arousal and a person. Your body can have a reaction to anything, but as long as you cannot connect it to a person and say "Yeah, this is the one who caused the reaction and I would like to act on it with them" it is not sexual attraction.

I figured this out because I never made that connection. Like, sure I can become aroused and even be horny, but it is never directed at a person, it is always within my own cosmos and doesn't need a different person

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Can sexual desire be replaced in terms of ‘desire’ by emotion? Meaning, the feelings some receive through sex, be for some not sex, but rather emotional connection? Perhaps replaced is not the right word, but I lack a better word. In a nutshell, the wanting to be with someone be lacking in some, or all sexual desire, but yet a deep attraction present due to emotional connection? If so, does this describe a persons who may be Ace?

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  • 4 months later...

What would that be (referring to that scenario shown) if I was just aroused but felt no need for any of that? 

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Justpassingby123

Hiii! 
ok, sooooo im still not sure i get it. All I understood about the difference of sexual attraction and sex drive is that one is the wish to specifically do something and the other is having a physical reaction about something from another person, right?

I do see people and think what it would be like having sex with them and sometimes dream about it and I definitely get horny sometimes and feel the need to do something about it.
But what do you call it when you don’t feel the intimate relief when masturbating or having sex even when your body told you before it wanted that? I get a lot of that underwhelming feeling others have mentioned before. What is that? Am I just doing something wrong?

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Sarah-Sylvia
16 minutes ago, Justpassingby123 said:

Hiii! 
ok, sooooo im still not sure i get it. All I understood about the difference of sexual attraction and sex drive is that one is the wish to specifically do something and the other is having a physical reaction about something from another person, right?

I do see people and think what it would be like having sex with them and sometimes dream about it and I definitely get horny sometimes and feel the need to do something about it.
But what do you call it when you don’t feel the intimate relief when masturbating or having sex even when your body told you before it wanted that? I get a lot of that underwhelming feeling others have mentioned before. What is that? Am I just doing something wrong?

Hi.
What do you mean by intimate relief?
If it's underwhelming to you, is that you look for something in particular out of the sex or masturbating? Or is it that orgasm doesn't feel that great?

Personally I don't find sexual pleasure that great so I'm a bit biased, but it could be related to not really having much sexual feelings into it, or I think there could different reasons why orgasm doesn't feel as good, whether you're looking for more meaning in sex or don't have that much libido even if you were able to feel aroused before, or maybe you were looking too much only for the orgasm and not enjoying the build up to it..

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Justpassingby123
6 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi.
What do you mean by intimate relief?
If it's underwhelming to you, is that you look for something in particular out of the sex or masturbating? Or is it that orgasm doesn't feel that great?

Personally I don't find sexual pleasure that great so I'm a bit biased, but it could be related to not really having much sexual feelings into it, or I think there could different reasons why orgasm doesn't feel as good, whether you're looking for more meaning in sex or don't have that much libido even if you were able to feel aroused before, or maybe you were looking too much only for the orgasm and not enjoying the build up to it..

I think what confuses me is that I sometimes feel aroused or at least like my mind keeps going back to the topic of sex more frequently than normal but when I try something to release the sexual energy (ideally with an orgasm) it never EVER works. I literally never managed to have an orgasm. I am frankly not looking for any kind of romantic sexual experience or so in that situation, just the kind of physical climax my body seems to want.

Also, as I said it kind of just feels underwhelming being fingered or penetrated. I once even forgot I had sex that day (even though it is a rare occurrence and therefore should not be something I easily forget) because my physical reaction to it was no different from putting my menstruation cup in lol (I kinda feel bad for the guy)

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Sarah-Sylvia
2 minutes ago, Justpassingby123 said:

I think what confuses me is that I sometimes feel aroused or at least like my mind keeps going back to the topic of sex more frequently than normal but when I try something to release the sexual energy (ideally with an orgasm) it never EVER works. I literally never managed to have an orgasm. I am frankly not looking for any kind of romantic sexual experience or so in that situation, just the kind of physical climax my body seems to want.

Also, as I said it kind of just feels underwhelming being fingered or penetrated. I once even forgot I had sex that day (even though it is a rare occurrence and therefore should not be something I easily forget) because my physical reaction to it was no different from putting my menstruation cup in lol (I kinda feel bad for the guy)

I would say it could be due to low libido but since you said you felt the arousal and your body had build up to want to release that way, so I don't know and not sure you'll find a perfect answer to that though you could go the medical route and ask a doctor. There's conditions around not being able to reach orgasm, called Anorgasmia. Those are things you could look into, and other than that I don't know.

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Justpassingby123
Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I would say it could be due to low libido but since you said you felt the arousal and your body had build up to want to release that way, so I don't know and not sure you'll find a perfect answer to that though you could go the medical route and ask a doctor. There's conditions around not being able to reach orgasm, called Anorgasmia. Those are things you could look into, and other than that I don't know.

Oh, I should look into that, thanks ❤️

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4 hours ago, Justpassingby123 said:

All I understood about the difference of sexual attraction and sex drive is that one is the wish to specifically do something and the other is having a physical reaction about something from another person, right?

to clarify, for an asexual person they might experience libido (also called sex drive) which can be either a response to sexual stimuli or a desire for solo sexual activity (including looking at porn)

 

while sexual attraction can be either a desire for sex with someone else - that is, someone in particular, or it cab be a feeling of attraction-based directed libido. it can be more complex than just this, but for an asexual person these two experiences are the most meaningful things to identify, with the other sexual attraction experiences usually being based on either of these. 

 

it is possible for someone to feel a desire for sex in general but feel no targeted sexual attraction, they would be a cupiosexual. And it is possible for someone to feel sexual attraction to some degree but feel no desire for partnered sex, which would be an orchidsexual. 

 

It is important to note that sometimes a libido response is just an automatic response, such as an asexual person feeling aroused during intimacy, including sex but also including nonsexual intimacy as well. something like feeling sexual arousal while cuddling. sex arousal alone isn't necessarily sexual attraction. 

 

 

4 hours ago, Justpassingby123 said:

think what it would be like having sex with them and sometimes dream about it and I definitely get horny sometimes and feel the need to do something about it.

Thikning about sex and having dreams about it can be a thing that exists for asexual people, where there is no full desire to engage in sexual activity with the person, only the thought or fantasy. It is important to note that it is a lack of desire to follow through with these thoughts. Someone sexual can definitely experience these things as well, but for them there is a pull towards sexual intimacy with other people. 

 

as for feeling a need to do something about horniness, considering that there is targeted fantasy, if there is no desire for sex and only a desire to go somewhere private to explore this arousal and possibly masturbate, that would be someont asexuals can experience. A sexual person experiencing this same thing would typically prefer the relief to happen via sex. 

 

 

 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Justpassingby123 said:

ok, sooooo im still not sure i get it. All I understood about the difference of sexual attraction and sex drive is that one is the wish to specifically do something and the other is having a physical reaction about something from another person, right?

If you're suggesting that sexual attraction is 'having a physical reaction about something from another person', that's sexual arousal as a result of being attracted to something about someone, but sexual attraction doesn't automatically mean a person becomes physically aroused. I'm a sexual person and I don't get physically aroused unless I'm actually engaging in something sexual -- which could mean actual sex itself, or it could just mean sexually suggestive conversation. But something has to be happening, an interaction of some sort with the person I'm attracted to. I don't get that level of arousal just from feeling attracted to them. Sexual attraction to me is just a more mental/emotional recognition that I'm drawn to a person in a way that's connected to my sexuality, that means given the right circumstances, I'd want to engage in some type of sexual activity with them. 

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Justpassingby123
11 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

If you're suggesting that sexual attraction is 'having a physical reaction about something from another person', that's sexual arousal as a result of being attracted to something about someone, but sexual attraction doesn't automatically mean a person becomes physically aroused. I'm a sexual person and I don't get physically aroused unless I'm actually engaging in something sexual -- which could mean actual sex itself, or it could just mean sexually suggestive conversation. But something has to be happening, an interaction of some sort with the person I'm attracted to. I don't get that level of arousal just from feeling attracted to them. Sexual attraction to me is just a more mental/emotional recognition that I'm drawn to a person in a way that's connected to my sexuality, that means given the right circumstances, I'd want to engage in some type of sexual activity with them. 

That’s interesting and actually quite helpful, thanks! It makes the whole „figuring out if you experience sexual attraction or if your just thinking about it because everyone else talks about it non stop” thing a nightmare though lol

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On 11/22/2021 at 2:07 PM, binary suns said:

I've felt similarly before, yet I am asexual. feeling bodily responses to someone's appearance can come with sexual attraction, but it also can occur without sexual attraction. For a sexual person, they'd probably consider their arousal to be because of or exactly sexual attraction, which is one reason why defining asexuality on sexual attraction is not that great, because there are things associated with sexual attraction that can occur for an ace, such as your bodily responses to someone attractive to you.

 

 

I would probably consider this to be a sign of attraction if I felt it, but it doesn't sound specifically sexual. sexual attraction is the innate desire for partnered sexual intimacy, and that's not occuring here.

 

I have no idea here.

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associating toys with actual sex could be a sign that you desire actual sex and the toys aren't enough. it's really your call on if you feel this one is sexual attraction or not. do you feel like you could actually want to experience partnered sexual intimacy? do you want a toungue or finger or other body parts touching your genitals?

 

 

this does sound like you have the potential for sexual desires, however it's possible you're so used to the idea that an intimate relationship with a partner involves sex. I always considered myself romantic, so trying to figure out if maybe I am actually aromantic is really hard. I keep thinking, "but I want a partnered relationship... that's romantic attraction right?" but you can have a platonic partnered relationship without romance, which might be what I want. And I also think then, "but a platonic relationship isn't enough" but I keep trying to imagine what I want that is romantic intimacy and coming up with blanks. I think that I'm so used to defining myself as romantic that it's hard to imagine myself in an aromantic relationship without romance, where the reality is that I just don't have any desires for romantic intimacies or romantic intention. I've only ever liked a person and felt it was special, I've never felt desire for a romantic relationship with anyone.

 

 

That last one is sorta the same for me. Ever since like 14, any pictures or anything was simply for the sake of being aroused, and when I actually think about what "activity" I'd want, my mind draws a blank if there's a person present besides me.

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  • 4 months later...
uncertain_mind

Hi, possible TMI/content warning about sexual actions and feelings:

 

I have identified as asexual for 11 years now and I just learned that some ace people desire and enjoy sex. I do not at all want to gatekeep, I think if someone identifies as ace its obviously very personal and valid, but I am just really confused. I have read the comments on this post and the definitions still seem to be very vague. So I just wanted to ask, how can you want to have sex with someone and still be asexual? I understand wanting to do it to get emotional benefits or feel closer to your partner, but it sounds like people are saying you can have a high libido and want to have sex with your partner and it can feel good and you can still be asexual? I know it is harder for me to understand because I have only been turned on a few times in my life and usually as soon as I start any sexual activity with anyone it goes away. And I know someone who is asexual with a high libido but they don't want to act on it with anyone else. I can understand how that falls under the ace definition, but it sounds like people are saying you can be ace if you just don't desire sex with a specific person. Does that mean you can be ace and want to have sex with someone but it doesn't matter who it is? (ie it's not a desire targeted towards a specific person, but you do know you want to have sex with someone). In that instance, how is that different from being allosexual? Is it that allosexual people have specific people they want to have sex with, but if they wanted to have sex with just anybody they would be ace? I'm just so confused. Or are we saying it's possible for asexual people to want sex because they might be grey-ace and only want it rarely, but if it they wanted it more often they would be allo?

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  • 4 weeks later...
asexualien
On 1/10/2024 at 12:37 AM, uncertain_mind said:

So I just wanted to ask, how can you want to have sex with someone and still be asexual?

There’s a lot of arguing about this ngl, so I’m just going to answer based off what makes sense to me and how I experience being ace. 
 

feelings and actions are two different things. You don’t need to be sexually attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Asexuals still have libidos and can choose to satisfy it in whatever way they choose to. If they choose to just masturbate then they’re still ace. If they choose to have sex with another person then they’re still ace. I don’t understand the gatekeeping in this community (not saying you are), but at the end of the day, if a person isn’t sexually attracted to anyone then they’re ace regardless of if they have sex or not. People are allowed to like how something feels which is why there’s aces that desire it. People don’t seem to understand that and I don’t understand why they don’t get that but it is what it is. 
 

I’ve never experienced sexual attraction nor have I ever engaged in sexual activities with another person. If I end up doing so and enjoying it then I’m still ace regardless. To me, all this boils down to attraction. If you don’t experience it then you’re ace. If you do then your allo. If you experience it rarely/under certain circumstances then you’re grey. 

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Olallieberry
On 1/9/2024 at 10:37 PM, uncertain_mind said:

how can you want to have sex with someone and still be asexual?

Someone can “want to have sex” for reasons that aren’t sexual. Maybe it’s the only way to get sensual desires satisfied with their partner. Maybe it’s the only way to preserve a relationship they don’t want to lose. Maybe they’re curious and still willing to explore. Maybe they want to satisfy a kink and just accept that sex would come with that, depending on the partner and the circumstances and the kink. There are plenty more, but they seem to all be like - wanting something which will come as the result of consenting to sex, rather than wanting the sex for its own sake.

 

Hell, even sexual people do this. It’s not limited to asexuals.

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Snao Cone

One might want to have sex for the same reasons I want to make an appointment with a financial advisor to discuss ways I can invest my money: because it's something that we're all supposed to do, and even though I don't believe in it on a fundamental level, it's still available as a possible survival tool in an economy where things are fake and there's a slight chance you can actually benefit from participating in it.

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On 2/3/2024 at 10:53 AM, asexualien said:

To me, all this boils down to attraction. If you don’t experience it then you’re ace. If you do then your allo.

Really truly a genuine question, not trying to criticise or trip you up or even argue. I'm honestly curious. What is sexual attraction to you, like what's happening with a person when they're experiencing it? What does it mean to be sexually attracted to someone? If I said I was sexually attracted to someone, what would you assume I was feeling/thinking?

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everywhere and nowhere
3 hours ago, Ceebs said:

If I said I was sexually attracted to someone, what would you assume I was feeling/thinking?

It reminds me of a user who defined sexual attraction in such a vague way (nothing which would necessitate a wish for sexual contact, instead a lot of purely physiological reactions to finding someone atractive or even just captivating...) that a lot of libidoist asexuals would "qualify". And, an that time, this got me thinking: perhaps they were asexual themself? Perhaps they got so used to the idea of being bisexual that they never truly considered the possibility that they might be a biromantic asexual instead?

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ubereatsme
4 hours ago, Ceebs said:

If I said I was sexually attracted to someone, what would you assume I was feeling/thinking?

What I have concluded from my sexual friends is that they find some trait(s) of that person appealing or admirable because they find it visually pleasing and/or associate them with other forms of gratifying intimacy, like sensuality.

 

For example, I have a friend who really likes guys with dark hair and stubble. She likes it because it reminds her of closeness with a variety of male figures and the sensual feel of their rough face against her body. This does crossover into her sexual experiences too so she naturally associates that visual look with intimate sexual acts where she enjoyed that sensation. 

 

So yeah, when she sees guys that are her type visually, she will find them "sexy" rather than handsome. There are definitely people she finds handsome, but they lack sexiness. She doesn't associate their traits with sexually gratifying experiences. 

 

In that moment, I don't think she is sexually aroused by the person. I don't think she wants to have sex with them. I think if the person is accessible (not a celeb for instance), then I think she might think it would be cool if she could interact with the person enough to see if there is more holistic compatibility but she isn't much invested in that. 

 

There's another level to this where she seems to sometimes think a trait might be sexually gratifying based on fantasies, for want of a better word. But that could change after actually realising the sexual experience or further interaction. 

 

For instance, she used to find "alpha" types sexually attractive until some intimate experiences with them burst that bubble totally. So now she finds them the opposite of "sexy". 

 

I share much of what she does when it comes to aesthetic attraction and the more personality based traits a person can have that I admire. It's just I associate those traits with positive sensual intimacy (platonic, famililal and romantic) rather than sexual intimacy because I have very, very few memories of positive sexual contact and even the neutral ones, I have no desire to repeat. They still erred towards negative in the long run. 

 

The only consistent difference between me and her is that I don't want sex in my relationships and she does. It's not so much to do with how we feel about strangers. 

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asexualien
6 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Really truly a genuine question, not trying to criticise or trip you up or even argue. I'm honestly curious. What is sexual attraction to you, like what's happening with a person when they're experiencing it? What does it mean to be sexually attracted to someone? If I said I was sexually attracted to someone, what would you assume I was feeling/thinking?

To me, It’s simply an internal feeling that causes someone to want to have sex with another person. What triggers this feeling depends on the person. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/25/2023 at 7:38 AM, binary suns said:

to clarify, for an asexual person they might experience libido (also called sex drive) which can be either a response to sexual stimuli or a desire for solo sexual activity (including looking at porn)

 

while sexual attraction can be either a desire for sex with someone else - that is, someone in particular, or it cab be a feeling of attraction-based directed libido. it can be more complex than just this, but for an asexual person these two experiences are the most meaningful things to identify, with the other sexual attraction experiences usually being based on either of these. 

 

it is possible for someone to feel a desire for sex in general but feel no targeted sexual attraction, they would be a cupiosexual. And it is possible for someone to feel sexual attraction to some degree but feel no desire for partnered sex, which would be an orchidsexual. 

 

It is important to note that sometimes a libido response is just an automatic response, such as an asexual person feeling aroused during intimacy, including sex but also including nonsexual intimacy as well. something like feeling sexual arousal while cuddling. sex arousal alone isn't necessarily sexual attraction. 

 

 

Thikning about sex and having dreams about it can be a thing that exists for asexual people, where there is no full desire to engage in sexual activity with the person, only the thought or fantasy. It is important to note that it is a lack of desire to follow through with these thoughts. Someone sexual can definitely experience these things as well, but for them there is a pull towards sexual intimacy with other people. 

 

as for feeling a need to do something about horniness, considering that there is targeted fantasy, if there is no desire for sex and only a desire to go somewhere private to explore this arousal and possibly masturbate, that would be someont asexuals can experience. A sexual person experiencing this same thing would typically prefer the relief to happen via sex. 

 

 

 

 

 

This was actually helpful, thanks :) I feel exactly like this ... I wish I knew how to label myself properly in order to be lile "yep, that's me" 

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