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What is 'Sexual attraction'?


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Intercourse isn't everyone's favorite thing. Even for 100% allosexual (non-asexual spectrum) people, some of them may never want to do intercourse for whatever reason, and that's fine and valid. If you both experience sexual attraction AND want to have "types of sex" with them including manual and oral sex, I think that's pretty close to the typical, let's say heterosexual couple where they want to have sex but one or both partners doesn't like the ideal of anal. It's just... people are allowed to have boundaries, preferences, or even aversions to certain sex acts and still love sex and this can, for you, mean you're not into intercourse. That's fine.

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I found a series of pictures what - maybe - bring a bit light into the question what sexual attraction could be:

http://www.stern.de/panorama/jahresrueckblick/die-besten-fotostrecken-2014-richard-kerns-entlarvt-den-maennlichen-roentgenblick-2160762.html

I don't see what the artist suggest, I stop at the cloths ... but maybe sexual people see exactly this.

Edited by Frau_Herr
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WhenSummersGone

I personally think that if someone can help out someone's sexual desire then that is sexual attraction (Primary Sexual Attraction). I don't really believe in preference and I think there's more to it then that. It seems like people desire other people sexually, even for just a hook up or a one night stand. You don't have to like someone as a person for it to be sexual attraction as long as they have the parts you are looking for.

I think this whole thing is something I won't feel as a Demisexual. I do need to know someone well before I can feel any sexual attraction/interest/desire.

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In my opinion any desire can't go without attraction beforehand but the object of attraction isn't necessarily experienced through the senses because it can be based on mental ideas alone without direct connection to the outer world.

If someone has desire for e.g. coffee that person must have an internal concept of coffee first (which can be very detailed or very crude or anything in between). It is that concept or parts of it (the idea of the taste, the smell, the physiological effects of coffee, ...) that person is attracted to. If you didn't experience that attraction you wouldn't know what to desire and as a result couldn't get the object you want. As long as you know the thing you see is coffee you can be (almost) purely attracted to the concept in your mind. The attraction to the actual sense stimulus becomes "optional".

Another thing to consider is the consciousness of attraction. One can be strongly attracted to both sense stimuli or purely mental stimuli without knowing it, but that doesn't eliminate the attraction.

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First post was very helpful. Then I started reading the replies. I now realize I understand nothing.

So, it's like seeing someone attractive and being immediately sexually enticed? Like you would sleep with that person if you could, but not nescessarily? Or just like aknowledging that person is attractive? The average person thinks of sex very frequently. Is this the reason why?

exactly, i just joined this forum and after reading these posts im more confused than ever..this isnt clearing anything up for me..lol..it seems asexuality is stll a very mysterious condition with different sub-groups which makes it all the more, confusing..

i know this, when i see a woman that is attractive, i never have the urge to have sex with her, maybe to talk to her but not have sex..so, i am attracted to her, just not sexually..there is a slim chance i will get aroused but even then the idea of having sex with the woman doesnt sound desireable..its not something i would seek out to do...

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I'm not sure if I'm on the asexual spectrum or not, but I'll try to describe how I feel attraction. I'm still a virgin, so I find it hard to fantasize about sex. I also have mental health issues that lower my libido and sexual desire. When I'm attracted to someone I feel warm and fuzzy. I feel like I'm attracted to their soul and want to know them. This can sometimes happen with people I see on the street, but I usually have to know someone a bit. I don't immediately think about sex, but sex doesn't seem to bad to me.

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Is this sexual attraction?


I don’t actually understand what sexual attraction is supposed to be. I’ve tried asking people, but the answers were confusing and just made me more frustrated. Sorry if there is someone else like me who has already asked this about the same situation. If so, please let me know so I can feel a little less alone.



I can have sex with anyone.


No, I do not need to be attracted to them in any way. No, I do not need to have any sort of emotional connection neither does an emotional connection make me sexually attracted to them. No, I don’t think “I want to have sex with this particular person.” I really couldn’t care less who I have sex with.



I’d still enjoy it. It used to feel good and it felt best with another person due to the wider range of physical sensations. (I, er, was not very good at masturbation.)



I guess since I did like sex with other people involved, that means I must have felt sexual attraction right? I have no clue why that idea bothers me so much. Especially since I don’t want to be asexual. I want to want sex. After all, that would mean I can fix whatever this is right? Except I don’t know what’s broken or how to fix it.



I lost my sex drive when my son was born and never got it back. (I’m his “mother.” Like Loki has been a “mother” except I can’t shapeshift.) That was five years ago. When I did have sex, it was uncomfortable and frustrating. I didn’t have sex for years and didn’t miss it one bit. I feel nothing sexual for anyone. I can still be turned on by sexual acts, but it definitely feels more like a compulsion than anything (which it was before too, but at least then I enjoyed it most of the time). I don’t remember if I ever felt anything sexual for anyone. But I must have right?



The compulsion thing is a psychological result of some of my experiences and started when I was around eighteen.

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greeneryghost

Hi this is my first post anywhere and I'm still confused about sexual attraction. It's going to sound like a really stupid question but here goes.
So basically sexual attraction is simply: you are fine and if we could do the do, i would do the do for sure bc im sexually attracted to you - okay that's a very limited understanding etc. but let's move on.
So, my main question is about little kids, like a 10 year old straight kid for example, they're not really considering the do with that person they're attracted to obviously, so if we don't classify children as asexual or something to begin with, then how do they experience sexual attraction, and how does that support the definition of sexual attraction? Are their crushes just squishes and they are unexperienced sexuals/romantics?

Apologies if this makes no sense but I have been confused about this for a while.

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I am sure I am not the one who can put 'sexual attraction' in any useful definition, but having enough fully sexual people around me I started looking for my own definition, which could make me feel sure what to answer when someone asks me why I do not want to undress that super hot guy who's staring at me and slobbering (that's overdone).


Usually "sexual attraction" is identified as something that we feel towards other people, but I'd like to take it vice versa. All sexual people I've ever known want other people (or at least one special person) to want them. Sexual people need other people to find them attractive, appealing, seductive. They want other people to be attracted to them, fantasize about them and such. Do asexuals care about that? I cannot take my own opinion as enough statistical data, so I cannot prove this statement. I think asexual people do not care about that. It is not like they can't appreciate nice compliment towards their appearance, but they don't crawl for that nor want it to be something even slightly sexual, when sexual people do need it. Even sometimes they start to resent to this "compliments", somewhere deep inside they still feel like "oh, yeah, he/she finds me hot/sexy/attractive" (they're still sex-repulsive sexuals, but I don't count them right now, sorry guys!).

For me sexual arousal is when your body responding towards certain stimuli, but when your body starts to respond towards usual things that cannot be really take as something sexual is what I define as "sexual attraction". It is like when someone just hugs you in a usual way and you start to feel some kind of heat all over your body -- it is a sign of sexual attraction. Or when you just get this electricity all down your spine when a person calls your name or just guardedly touch your shoulder. Or maybe when someone is talking to you, and you can barely hear what this person is saying, because in your mind this person is already half-naked. It is not something that you can put in terms, like arousal is when you get wet/a boner. Its a rational reaction of our bodies to some stimuli, but primary sexual attraction is based on something indescribable, because if it would be something easily describable, we would not feel so confused about that, right? ;)

My friend: Uh, that guy is hot!
Me: Why?
My friend: I have no idea. I just want this thing to be in my bed right now.

So in fact sexual attraction cannot be formulated as something rational or logical. Because sexual attraction is not logical, it is more instinctive. Sexual attraction is not equal to desire of having sex. The desire of having sex seems to be rational to me as well. Because we can see that that person is attractive, nice, smart or that this person is just a human being of a necessary gender (it is all about preferences and standards) and many other reasons can be counted, but sexual attraction is just a flash. This feeling can grow bigger and bigger or can appear as something big. Sometimes it has nothing common with aesthetic attraction or our need of being romantically involved with someone. It can go along with them, but it is a separate reaction in our bodies/minds. Sexual attraction is not about our immediate desire of having sex with this person here and now, even let strange people can see it. You may never get closer to that person nor have sex with him/her, but you still fee like you want this person with every cell of your body. Sex itself is just a way to satisfy this need. So basically sexual attraction is a need. And asexual people are free from this need.

To sum up this essay, in my point of view sexual attraction is a strong need of this person with all your being and sex is the best way to satisfy it. So sex itself has nothing common with asexuality and even if you're in need it doesn't mean you're going to act on that.

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It seems there are a lot of food metaphors for thinking about sexual attraction; I guess it can be explained by the song "Carry Out" by Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. And yes, it is degrading to women but it did help me understand what people were talking about when they compare food to intercourse. It has a pretty catchy beat, too.

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It seems there are a lot of food metaphors for thinking about sexual attraction; I guess it can be explained by the song "Carry Out" by Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. And yes, it is degrading to women but it did help me understand what people were talking about when they compare food to intercourse. It has a pretty catchy beat, too.

Wow. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/timbaland/carryout.html:P

I do think music might be the best way to understand sexual attraction for those of us who don't feel it, though. Music and to some degree watching movies and TV shows and reading fictional books where characters experience it. All of those things really express the feelings at times in a way that those of us who are asexual but have empathy can pick up on and get. And sometimes songs, like this one, can really spell it all out, in words.

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The most interesting part of the first post to me was the mention that sexual attraction for allosexual people is a normal, everyday experience, something that doesn't make you stop in your tracks. Because I always thought that, when you were sexually attracted to someone, you would suddenly be awash in a very strong, conscious desire to have sex with that person. Good clue for me that I'm almost certainly somewhere on the asexuality spectrum.

As for the girl in the first post, my thoughts were: "She looks nice, definitely counts as 'sexy'. But I don't randomly want to have sex with her now."

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  • 3 weeks later...
Frozen Fairy

Thanks for this it was very helpful.

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dunhauren

i have a doubt about this whole topic (maybe TMI-ish, i dont think so, but just in case...)

while watching the videoclip of buttons of pussycat dolls i felt temperature rising in some of the scenes, not a lot but enought to feel it. and theres nothing down there. and when it ends, the temperature also lessens, that all that happens. yet, theres no indifference towards those scenes, i feel somewhat atraction, but no desire to act towards anyone or anything (maybe thats a low libido thing, if thats sexual atraction, but i dont know).

thats why i wonder, whats really considered sexual atraction, its only feeling something down there, as ive read around here? thank you

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Sudo Alternate Psuedonym

I feel like there are two separate aspects to this thread and that's caused a lot of confusion. Some people want to understand what it is, what it's like, etc. others, including me, are more so trying to understand if this or that experience is sexual attraction.

Today, the question hit me. I've always thought of myself as a heterosexual just with a low libido and other factors like social awkwardness and social anxiety that explain my aversion to dating and such...

[long story short: age 19, male, virgin, never kissed anyone or been on a date]

as a maybe sexual to break it down in a way for an asexual to understand, there are really four aspects, as I see it:

  1. platonic/romantic attraction towards [a person] (physical attraction et all)
  2. thinking sexual thoughts about [a person] (like not just a passing thought but one that's almost like you could stop yourself from having*)
  3. a desire to actually have sex with [a person]
  4. a desire to have sex (just generally, which may or may not factor into 3)

4. is clearly what is called libido
a combination of 1 and 2 are sexual attraction

so that would leave 3 as sexual desire I guess.(since we're using these words, let's be clear on what we and they mean)

to use the dodo bird analogy (because I just read all of this thread today), there's this bird I saw and it's got this big body for a bird like a turkey but it had just like a big beak, is that a dodo bird or a flamingo?

Is there a missing component in my four?

furthermore I feel it's entirely possible that what I think I experience as sexual attraction could just be romantic attraction, same with desires,

This is much like prosopagnosia (face blindness) [i haven't been clinically diagnosed but I'm 95% certain I have it], I had no idea I was missing something until I heard about it, read about it, thought about it, etc.

when I look at a face, I pretty much just see features. So unless you have a scar or prominent cheekbones or something it's just eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth, (facial) hair, on a skin color head shape. I don't know what a normal person sees when they look at a face. I have no idea if you'll actually understand what I meant (so like a videogame where you can select this or that nose and one of a dozen pairs of lips and so forth). There's even the possibility you don't know what it is you see, that to you there's just this aspect of what a face is that you don't really know what it is and how it subconsciously works. Even if you know, there can still be the issue of transmitting that thought to me. Like with many things, fundamentally, much of the issue is it varies between people and there just aren't words to describe everything, so unless we isolate a specific electrochemical brain pattern we are incapable of testing to know if we're talking about the same thing. Is your red my red? ((if you haven't seen that Vsauce video on youtube you should check it out))



*maybe sexual fantasy is the right word for this, but to me that implies something more; like maybe I still wouldn't actually want to have sex with that person but I'm thinking about them while I masturbate...

like almost the "I'd tap that" but even if magically your schedule was free and the opportunity presented itself you probably wouldn't. Maybe that has more to do with the libido, platonic/romantic attraction, and comfort level (e.g. I'm not going to have sex with someone if I don't even know their name)

(of course the fact I'm wondering if I'm (gray) asexual enough to read and even post to threads like this makes it somewhat likely. So if society were more aware, I'd probably use gray, even if technically incorrect and just based off of low libido because the purpose of such classifications is to inform people, and it's closer to that than not. I don't care if what I am is straight or asexual or gay or blorp, I just want to know what label to tell people. There are 7.2 trillion types of people, and the reason we classify people with labels is to abstract and generalize so that we don't have to spend days with every person we meet to have some sense of who they are, how they are, what they are, how they think, what they think, (that they actually think,) etc. that's the whole purpose of gender, orientation, outlook (pessimistic/optimistic/realistic), etc.)

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Tarfeather

I don't know how trustworthy is the site :huh:, but i found this link about 13 signs of sexual attraction, but I guess sharing is always good so here it is: http://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/wild-secrets/signs-of-sexual-attraction

For educational purposes that site is absolutely terrible. Maybe they're trying to be funny, but I'm not laughing.

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I found this exceptionally helpful. I am fairly new to this community, and I still have so many questions about asexuality. I have gone back and forth in my mind about the matter. A part of me is terrified that I am not, because then I would have no idea how to define myself in this aspect. The reasons for my doubts is because I do have fantasies and I do have sexual arousal. In my ignorance, I thought that I couldn't possibly be asexual. Then I considered the matter, and reading this post has helped me understand what it partly means to be asexual. Never have I experienced sexual attraction. I have noticed physical beauty in a person, but never have I thought that I wanted to have sex with them. It is such a relief to understand, and I thank you for it.

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I don't know how trustworthy is the site :huh:, but i found this link about 13 signs of sexual attraction, but I guess sharing is always good so here it is: http://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/wild-secrets/signs-of-sexual-attraction

I found this as well.

This doesn't even remotely sound like anything I've come close to experiencing. It's probably an exaggeration though......right?

Also does anyone recall in older cartoons how characters would find someone "hot" and their heart would burst out of their chest and maybe their eyes would burst out of their sockets. I always thought that was for comedic effect but I guess it might be an exaggeration of sexual attraction. Maybe?

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So basically sexual attraction is simply: you are fine and if we could do the do, i would do the do for sure bc im sexually attracted to you - okay that's a very limited understanding etc. but let's move on.

So, my main question is about little kids, like a 10 year old straight kid for example, they're not really considering the do with that person they're attracted to obviously, so if we don't classify children as asexual or something to begin with, then how do they experience sexual attraction, and how does that support the definition of sexual attraction?

I'd say more sexual attraction is: you are fine and if circumstances were right to do the do, I would do the do because I'm attracted to you.

So take a pre-teen kid -- maybe they haven't experienced sexual attraction at all and their crushes are purely romantic (10-year-old could go either way). But say they HAVE experienced sexual attraction. They probably don't want to have sex when they experience sexual attraction because circumstances aren't right. For a pre-teen or young teen, that doesn't just mean external circumstances but internal circumstance. They likely aren't mentally or emotionally in a place where circumstances would be right at that time.

Take a sheltered kid who doesn't know what sex really is. They wouldn't be wanting sex because they don't even know what that is .. but they still might feel the "pull" towards someone. And IF circumstances changed where they reached an understanding of sex, they would want it. Another example is a kid who knows about sex mentally but doesn't emotionally understand it.... they haven't sorted out what sex would mean to them or how they feel about it, and maybe they aren't even capable of emotionally grasping it at that time. Again, circumstances would have to change where they emotionally mature.

A lot of times when teens are dating they will say "I'm not ready to have sex yet." Provided they understand what they are saying... that means they DO experience attraction but CIRCUMSTANCES are such that they don't want sex. Again, those type of circumstances could be external, but probably that's means they aren't emotionally or mentally or physically ready to have sex. The "yet" implies circumstances could change. Maybe the circumstances won't change for another 5 years, but there's not a timeline on attraction. Sexual attraction never means a person has to desire sex at that exact moment.

In adults, say a man finds a woman he meets attractive, but the man is in a relationship with someone so he's not actually wanting sex. Maybe 5 years later though, circumstances have changed... he isn't in a relationship so he would have sex with that woman he met.

Take another adult, take a woman who was sexually abused in the past. Maybe she experiences attraction to someone but doesn't want sex. Her emotional circumstances are such were she doesn't want sex. She might also feel differently in 5 years... If she was dating someone she might say the same thing as teens do "I'm not ready for sex yet."

Basically, circumstances can be external or internal no matter the age.

Also does anyone recall in older cartoons how characters would find someone "hot" and their heart would burst out of their chest and maybe their eyes would burst out of their sockets. I always thought that was for comedic effect but I guess it might be an exaggeration of sexual attraction. Maybe?

I'd say the heart busting is a romantic satire. The stereotype goes that your heart beats when you are around someone you like, plus the heart is associated with love. IE it's heart-break when your love breaks up with you.... but it's not heart-break if a person is turned down for sex.

For someone who ties romance and sexual attracted together, I guess the heart could be involved for both. A person could fall in love / experience sexual attraction at the same time.

Heart eyes could be a symbol of sexual or aesthetic attraction, but definitely a visual fixation.

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  • 1 month later...
AsexualSquirrel

I had a few of my sexual friends try to explain what it feels like physically and overall it seems like sexual attraction results in a warmth in the chest as well as "between the hips"

This is apparently where the term hot comes from in regard to attractive people, who knew.

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If I think a person is hot and I would like to kiss/touch the person, but the thought of having sex with them repulses me, is that still considered asexual? I've tried to look this up, but I can't seem to find a definite answer. Like I can watch TV and be like oh I would like to touch that person's abs and make-out, but thinking of having sex is out-of-the question because I know I would not enjoy it. Idk, i'm just confused if this counts as asexuality or something else...

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Grumpy Alien

I apologize if this has been asked a million times but does having no libido make asexuality the default? How can one experience sexual attraction without having an interest in sex?

Personally, I can't physically have penetrative sex. It'd be excruciating torture straight out of an Eli Roth movie. Is it possible to experience sexual attraction or desire when most acts are associated with pain?

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I apologize if this has been asked a million times but does having no libido make asexuality the default? How can one experience sexual attraction without having an interest in sex?

I've always believed this to be the case, yes. I've considered myself "asexual by default" for that reason because I believed that if I were to develop a libido, it would have likely resulted in a sexual orientation that fell in line with my romantic one (that is, demi-hetero). I never really saw the "purpose" of a directionless libido and I don't think even my body itself understands it :huh:

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Unpinned this thread, mentioned here under "Important Q&A threads"

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Mod

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Member 92789

Wow, this is an interesting thread. It's funny how we're all so different, and I wonder what it's like to be each one of you. People experience things so differently.

When I saw the aforementioned picture my instinct was that she was hot. (I'm not a model person either but she's close to my type, hehe.) However I now recognize that I had to sit and think over whether I would want to touch her or do anything sexual with her. I felt attraction, but it was a small amount. I might would kiss her/makeout but no sex please. I consider myself gray-A, by the way.

As far as what exactly "attraction" is, I like alot of what's already been said here. To me it is kind of magical, it's a gift. I don't think someone who is completely asexual can really understand it if I'm just going to be honest. Not that I'm not totally for trying to explain it as best as we can though of course, it's very interesting. It is a jolt of excitement, from a special feeling. Those are my thoughts, I kind of treasure those feelings since they are a little bit rare for me.

I feel you on this! Im not sure if im asexual yet either..it is a difficult subject. I feel the same way from what you just explained when I see an attractive person. I would think about kissing them and such, but sex..My mind doesn't go that far. And yeah there is excitement in that. I hope this helps..

If I think a person is hot and I would like to kiss/touch the person, but the thought of having sex with them repulses me, is that still considered asexual? I've tried to look this up, but I can't seem to find a definite answer. Like I can watch TV and be like oh I would like to touch that person's abs and make-out, but thinking of having sex is out-of-the question because I know I would not enjoy it. Idk, i'm just confused if this counts as asexuality or something else...

Wow...I feel the same!! And I looked it up too! Can't find anything either...why is the world confusing?? :( Anyways, im glad im not alone on that. Your comment just relieved me! lol

I apologize if this has been asked a million times but does having no libido make asexuality the default? How can one experience sexual attraction without having an interest in sex?

I've always believed this to be the case, yes. I've considered myself "asexual by default" for that reason because I believed that if I were to develop a libido, it would have likely resulted in a sexual orientation that fell in line with my romantic one (that is, demi-hetero). I never really saw the "purpose" of a directionless libido and I don't think even my body itself understands it :huh:

I don't know the point of a directionless libido either?? It confuses me.

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  • 2 months later...

:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: :unsure:

Now I am even more confused.
So arousal and sexual attraction are two different things and sexual attraction and sexual desire are separate?
I always thought sexual attraction was a combination of arousal and desire...
Like if some guy was flirting with you and put his hand on your leg which made you feel a bit aroused and enjoyed the feeling but didn't want to take things further that is just arousal right? But if you DID want to take things further that would be the desire part... That is not sexual attraction? There is a separate feeling?
If so is it a thought or an emotion or a feeling in your body or some combination?

I feel like such a kid not knowing any of this stuff :(

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:unsure: :unsure: :unsure: :unsure:

Now I am even more confused.

So arousal and sexual attraction are two different things and sexual attraction and sexual desire are separate?

I always thought sexual attraction was a combination of arousal and desire...

Like if some guy was flirting with you and put his hand on your leg which made you feel a bit aroused and enjoyed the feeling but didn't want to take things further that is just arousal right? But if you DID want to take things further that would be the desire part... That is not sexual attraction? There is a separate feeling?

If so is it a thought or an emotion or a feeling in your body or some combination?

I feel like such a kid not knowing any of this stuff :(

Some people define asexuality as the lack of desire for partnered sex rather than AVEN's definition of lack of sexual attraction. Since sexual attraction has different definition for some people and the "lack of desire for partnered sex" is more clear to go by.

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This whole "sexual attraction" thing is super confusing for me, not gonna lie.

I'm fairly certain I'm asexual...and in the end if I want to label myself, I'm the person who gets to decide what to use. For me, I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone ever. I have never had sex and I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm awesome with that. I don't want touched, I don't wanna be touching. I see people who would be considered very physically attractive, and I agree...in an almost scientific way. "That guy as very nice abs, I bet he works out a lot. Wonder how many crunches I'd have to do to get those...." "That woman has a very beautiful face. Wish mine was that symmetrical...."

All of that makes it seem like, yeah, 100% asexual. But then there are times that the damn body can have a physical reaction. I'm not a fan of going into graphic detail...but there are physical responses as a female that usually show arousal. TMI: Those instances have/still happen to me. This can happen when watching a sex scene in a movie, reading a sex scene in a novel/fanfiction, when I was trying to convince myself I was a lesbian and trying to fantasize about who to date and what to do, fantasizing about romantic relationships/sensual relationships. The damn human body is a honey badger and it does what it wants.

To me, though, that doesn't = sexual attraction. To me, I have never looked at a person and ever thought...man, I'd love to get it on. Ever. I might want to get to know them better...or want to have a close relationship with people...but it never gets to the point of a desire for the horizontal tango. Any thoughts of sex for me are always so clinical...what would I do if? How would I do it?

So for me? That's what sexual attraction is. It's got to be more than just body responses, but also the mental thought of, "I want to go there with that person." Sorry for the long-winded/TMI response. :unsure:

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