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What is 'Sexual attraction'?


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I thought I am heteroflexible or bisexual, because I've had some desire to have sex (usually with some anonymous faceless person), but then I've experienced sexual attraction to a specific person and... it is just something else, imagining really some person and not just "some male body that you can use to get what you want" (my desire to have sex dropped significantly after discovering the right kind of sex toy).

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Dollyrose09

This place keeps making me feel uncertain whether I'm asexual after all..

I think people over-think it to the point that the meaning of being sexual gets convoluted. Either because they don't feel it and are Asexual or feel confused because of what they've considered to be the definition of Asexuality and/or were hung up on this sexual attraction word.

I mean, I've heard asexuals say they desire and/or seek out sex (barring for curiosity's sake) and it makes me question if I'm on the Ace spectrum. :P I know I'm not fully sexual because I don't feel this innate desire to do anything sexual, but I DID feel it with one person, my ex, at some point while dating him because I felt we had this strong bond. I know the potential is there but I'm not thinking of the potential for future sex (for my own pleasure/needs anyway more like wondering if that's what they want. Will I have to compromise) when seeing someone I'm attracted to/wouldn't mind dating. Unless that switch gets flipped again, and I'm not wanting that, I'm satisfied and prefer non-sexual intimacy....just like before.

So what makes those Asexuals different from a sexual person desiring partnered sex but not doing so because their criteria isn't met. Both are desiring sex right? Would the term sexual frustration exist if masturbation was enough? I feel that's a no. Sadly, there are those who will disagree and think I'm policing their sexuality...or something. >.>

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Cat Obsessed

Is it just me, or is an asexual trying to understand sexual attraction like someone has been 100% blind from birth trying to understand what it is like to see things.

I'm going to try to understand it intellectually because I can pick out what features other people find "hot." So if I can do that I guess I intellectually (but not emotionally) understand what hotness is. So I should be able to intellectually, but not emotionally, understand what sexual attraction is.

(XD When I say "I understand hotness intellectually" I imagine the emotions from Inside Out in lab coats and holding clipboards. And they are checking off all the things that the guy has that makes someone hot, and in the end they decide he's hot and file the information away and move on. Possibly forget about the information for a bit, or forever. Nothing special happens, no panicking of emotions or swooning and sighing.)

That image is WAY more accurate than than the image of the emotions panicking because I saw someone who they instantly decided was "hot.")

^That made sense right?)

(Btw I looked how blind people dream to make sure that was a good comparison. The part that makes them not a good comparison is that one is a disability and the other isn't... But both involve not understanding something most people understand, but they can't really explain to those that don't understand. Anyways, there an there was an experiment and "all of the non-blind control participants reported a visual impression in at least one dream. In contrast, none of the participants who had been totally blind since birth did." http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2014/02/26/how-the-blind-dream/)

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Cat Obsessed

Is it just me, or is an asexual trying to understand sexual attraction like someone has been 100% blind from birth trying to understand what it is like to see things.

I'm going to try to understand it intellectually because I can pick out what features other people find "hot." So if I can do that I guess I intellectually (but not emotionally) understand what hotness is. So I should be able to intellectually, but not emotionally, understand what sexual attraction is.

(XD When I say "I understand hotness intellectually" I imagine the emotions from Inside Out in lab coats and holding clipboards. And they are checking off all the things that the guy has that makes someone hot, and in the end they decide he's hot and file the information away and move on. Possibly forget about the information for a bit, or forever. Nothing special happens, no panicking of emotions or swooning and sighing.)

That image is WAY more accurate than than the image of the emotions panicking because I saw someone who they instantly decided was "hot.")

^That made sense right?)

(Btw I looked how blind people dream to make sure that was a good comparison. The part that makes them not a good comparison is that one is a disability and the other isn't... But both involve not understanding something most people understand, but they can't really explain to those that don't understand. Anyways, there an there was an experiment and "all of the non-blind control participants reported a visual impression in at least one dream. In contrast, none of the participants who had been totally blind since birth did." http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2014/02/26/how-the-blind-dream/)

Quick clarification:

It takes conscious thought to decide if someone is hot or not. I must consciously ask myself if they are hot, then I spend a few seconds or more to think about what they look like. Then I come to a decision. I don't know what to do with the information, other than file the information way and forget about it.

I don't automatically decide if some is "hot"

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Cat Obsessed

Is it just me, or is an asexual trying to understand sexual attraction like someone has been 100% blind from birth trying to understand what it is like to see things.

I generally use the analogy of any of us non-astronauts trying to describe to Neil Armstrong what it feels like to walk on the moon...

Yeah, that works too. The blindness one was the first one I thought of.

Really any feeling/sensation/experience someone has, that that can't explain to someone and have them fully understand works.

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Really any feeling/sensation/experience someone has, that that can't explain to someone and have them fully understand works.

Math is fun.

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Cat Obsessed

Really any feeling/sensation/experience someone has, that that can't explain to someone and have them fully understand works.

Math is fun.

Hating cats (Or hating dogs)

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Cat Obsessed

Now that I think about it...

Do sexual people look at someone and automatically (consciously or subconsciously) take note of their hotness, obviously along with things like their clothes, overall appearance, facial expression, ect.

Like do they look and think "they're super hot in that dress" or "they're fairly good looking"?

I normally don't think about that stuff. I must consciously ask myself about their appearance. I don't automatically ask myself about their appearance, right when I see someone. (And I never know what to with that information...)

But is that something sexual people do? And if it, is what do they do with that information?

Now that I asked myself that I'm curious... I kinda want to know XD

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Now that I think about it...

Do sexual people look at someone and automatically (consciously or subconsciously) take note of their hotness, obviously along with things like their clothes, overall appearance, facial expression, ect.

Like do they look and think "they're super hot in that dress" or "they're fairly good looking"?

I normally don't think about that stuff. I must consciously ask myself about their appearance. I don't automatically ask myself about their appearance, right when I see someone. (And I never know what to with that information...)

But is that something sexual people do? And if it, is what do they do with that information?

Now that I asked myself that I'm curious... I kinda want to know XD

This will vary greatly among sexual people. The desire to have sex doesn't always depend on other people around them being hot, and interest in having sex with another person isn't always connected to this visual stimulation. On the other side, asexual people can respond to and take note of physical features in a good looking person right away. I find people hot. But when it comes down to an opportunity to have sex with them, I feel zero pull towards it because it's not a desire that I need or yearn to be fulfilled.

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Cat Obsessed

Oh, yeah I asked my sister what is was like to feel sexual attraction.

She said that you feel all light inside and you feel hyper. Which didn't really help. Then she compared to fangirling. I've fangirled before, so that comparison helped.

So sexual attraction is basically the feeling you get when you see merchandise from your favorite show. Except it's caused by someone's hotness.

I know when someone is hot. And I know what it is like to fangirl. I have never fangirled over someone's hotness. So I haven't felt sexual attraction. Knowing someone is hot isn't sexual attraction. It's like recognizing a franchise that you aren't into. That was definitely helpful. I haven't felt any sexual attraction so, it's unlikely I'm gray or demi.

Later in the conversation I was explaining what it is like to be asexual to her. I said that I would see a guy with big muscles and think "He has big muscles so he's probably athletic and does sports or something" and as an afterthought (or not all) I might think, "I guess with all his other features he could be considered hot/good looking."That made her laugh. (Definitely not in a mocking way.)

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Nea Rose Symphony

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

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Fire & Rain

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

That sounds scary!

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Nea Rose Symphony

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

That sounds scary!

If you think about it, isn't that how sex seems? Mashing parts together in a cascade of bodily fluid?
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Slice of Ace

Oh, yeah I asked my sister what is was like to feel sexual attraction.

She said that you feel all light inside and you feel hyper. Which didn't really help. Then she compared to fangirling. I've fangirled before, so that comparison helped.

So sexual attraction is basically the feeling you get when you see merchandise from your favorite show. Except it's caused by someone's hotness.

I know when someone is hot. And I know what it is like to fangirl. I have never fangirled over someone's hotness. So I haven't felt sexual attraction. Knowing someone is hot isn't sexual attraction. It's like recognizing a franchise that you aren't into. That was definitely helpful. I haven't felt any sexual attraction so, it's unlikely I'm gray or demi.

Later in the conversation I was explaining what it is like to be asexual to her. I said that I would see a guy with big muscles and think "He has big muscles so he's probably athletic and does sports or something" and as an afterthought (or not all) I might think, "I guess with all his other features he could be considered hot/good looking."That made her laugh. (Definitely not in a mocking way.)

Assuming it's accurate, the fangirling (or fanboying, in my case) analogy is probably the most relatable and hence understandable one that I've heard. That definitely solidifies my opinion that I'm ace because seeing an attractive guy (because I can recognise aesthetic attraction in guys) is no where near as exciting as seeing a Smash Bros. trailer for example.

Actually, I saw a really cute bunny rabbit and a really attractive guy on the same day. I nearly cried at how cute that bunny was, but the guy just distracted me briefly. Conclusion: rabbits are better than people.

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

If this is true, I am definitely ace, because the thought of that makes me feel sick.

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Fire & Rain

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

That sounds scary!

If you think about it, isn't that how sex seems? Mashing parts together in a cascade of bodily fluid?

Mashing sounds like you're crushing things with a mortar and pestle lol

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Nea Rose Symphony

As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

That sounds scary!

If you think about it, isn't that how sex seems? Mashing parts together in a cascade of bodily fluid?

Mashing sounds like you're crushing things with a mortar and pestle lol

Depending on how hard the people involved go at it-exactly!

I worded that so eloquently... lol

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Slice of Ace

Mashing sounds like you're crushing things with a mortar and pestle lol

Aaand... now I will not be able to get that image out of my head. Arceus help me.

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As objective observation I'd say sexual attraction is the desire that one person gets to mash genitals with another person

Nope, that's desire. Attraction is what inspires the desire.

Attraction is your body reacting to someone/something and you can't do a damn thing about it. You get a physiological response. Have you ever stared at someone for no apparent reason, get captivated by someone and can't really decide what it is about them? Does your heart race or your hands get clammy? Maybe you can't form words properly, and you get this weird... pit of your stomach feeling, you know like when you go over the edge of a drop on a rollercoaster? When this attraction is really extreme, you can get a twinge of arousal and that - at least away from AVEN - is really strong sexual attraction. It can be subtle, it can be inconsistent, but for a lot of people that feeling, that reaction, will happen every time they have contact with a specific person: the object of their attraction.

Ok, so. Desire. Imagine you're all goofy with your heart racing and excited being around this person. The desire for sex can kick in when you get close to them (I say "can" because just because people are attractive doesn't mean you always want to act on it - I've certainly been attracted to people that I wouldn't touch with a barge pole). Say you touch, kiss maybe, and all you know is that you don't want it to stop. The arousal kicks in (or becomes stronger). Things just go from there... but can also happen before you even touch. It is definitely an impulse. It doesn't have words... there's no coherent "I want to have sex with this person" in your head... it's just an... I don't know how to put it into words. You just want more of the person, and you get lost in them... it's really quite extraordinary. But that's all when your attraction is directed very specifically at one person. Some sexual folk never get that directed attraction, but still have a general desire for sex.

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Nea Rose Symphony

I thought sexual attraction was directed sexual desire

Me personally:

Get captivated by someone for no logical reason-not really

Heart race, clammy feeling, stomach pit, adrenaline-only like 3 times in my life, last time was in summer of 2011

But aren't even non sexual crushes like this too?

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Non-sexual crushes (or squishes or whatever you want to call them) can be like that, yeah.

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I thought sexual attraction was directed sexual desire

They can be entwined but mostly exist separately.

I've been attracted to people but never got the desire for anything sexual, but my body still reacts in a sexual fashion. This happens to other people too.

If/when the desire kicks in, it's pretty distinct.

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Nea Rose Symphony

This is too confusing for me. Thus the purpose of the thread: explaining sexual attraction, that which is unknown to a lot of users here

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Hello everyone. I'm kind of new to ''this world'' and I have lots of doubts, specially since asexuality is a spectre and a very subjective one. I wanted to ask what is sexual attraction myself, but I found this post and I figured that I'd better ask my questions here instead of creating a post of my own. So, here they go:



1.- If someone likes watching heterosexual porn and masturbating to it but otherwise does not fantasise nor has any wish for sex, is that someone asexual? I mean, I know that asexuals can have libido and may need masturbation but if they resort specifically to a certain kind of pornography, doesn't that mean that they are sexually attracted to the people they're watching? Because if they resorted to any kind of pornography without preferences, it's just the sex that turns them on but, needing or wanting a specific kind, even specific actors... that has to mean they are attracted to what they are watching. Even though they consciously don't want to have sex with anyone, they might feel sexual attraction subconsciously which would mean they are actually allosexual. Right? Or not?



2.- Does that person have sexual attraction to the people in that video even if she/he doesn't wish to participate nor do anything of what they're doing there?



3.- Could an asexual person feel sexual attraction when aroused and still be asexual?



4.- Can you feel sexually attracted to music or smartphones? If you did, could you still be asexual?



I hope someone can answer these questions because sometimes I think I know, but then I get doubts... In the end it feels like I know nothing no matter how much I read.

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Lost247365

Hello everyone. I'm kind of new to ''this world'' and I have lots of doubts, specially since asexuality is a spectre and a very subjective one. I wanted to ask what is sexual attraction myself, but I found this post and I figured that I'd better ask my questions here instead of creating a post of my own. So, here they go:

1.- If someone likes watching heterosexual porn and masturbating to it but otherwise does not fantasise nor has any wish for sex, is that someone asexual? I mean, I know that asexuals can have libido and may need masturbation but if they resort specifically to a certain kind of pornography, doesn't that mean that they are sexually attracted to the people they're watching? Because if they resorted to any kind of pornography without preferences, it's just the sex that turns them on but, needing or wanting a specific kind, even specific actors... that has to mean they are attracted to what they are watching. Even though they consciously don't want to have sex with anyone, they might feel sexual attraction subconsciously which would mean they are actually allosexual. Right? Or not?

2.- Does that person have sexual attraction to the people in that video even if she/he doesn't wish to participate nor do anything of what they're doing there?

3.- Could an asexual person feel sexual attraction when aroused and still be asexual?

4.- Can you feel sexually attracted to music or smartphones? If you did, could you still be asexual?

I hope someone can answer these questions because sometimes I think I know, but then I get doubts... In the end it feels like I know nothing no matter how much I read.

1. Yes they are still asexual. No that does not mean they are sexually attracted to the people they are watching because they don't want to have sex with those people...just watch. No desire to have sex=> asexual. If we start considering supposed "unconcious" desires then any orientation other than Pansexual is pointless as anyone could be subconsciously attracted to anything or anyone.

2.No desire to have sex=no sexual attraction. Sexual attraction cannot exist without there being a desire to have sex.

3. Asexuals can't feel sexual attraction or sexual desire. Period.

4- I guess it is technically possible to feel sexual attraction for those things but I have my doubts. No, you can't experience sexual attraction/desire and still be asexual.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I will answer #4 for you; if you merely have a fetish for them, yes you could still be ace. If you feel actual attraction then that would be objectum sexual :)

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I will answer #4 for you; if you merely have a fetish for them, yes you could still be ace. If you feel actual attraction then that would be objectum sexual :)

What's the difference between having a fetish and feeling attraction?

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Anthracite_Impreza

I will answer #4 for you; if you merely have a fetish for them, yes you could still be ace. If you feel actual attraction then that would be objectum sexual :)

What's the difference between having a fetish and feeling attraction?

A fetish is just something that "gets you off", attraction is more like treating them like anthro-sexuals treat humans they're attracted to (provided they're not "those" people that go around leering and catcalling).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know if Im asexual or not ...I don't really enjoy sex..i had it seven times with six different women and I didn't really enjoy it because I could never ever ever orgasm no matter how hard I try..with or without condom...I can only orgasm when I watch porn and masturbate...so if I do enjoy masturbation but don't enjoy sex with a partner..am I asexual or not?

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Enjoyment has nothing to do with it.

The question is whether you desire to have sex with other people, despite not finding enjoyment in it. If you do, then that'd be a pretty strong indication that you're probably not asexual.

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  • 4 weeks later...

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