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Grey/sexual relationship


ijustneedmyself

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ijustneedmyself

Hello all, I think I'm a Grey-A and I'm in a serious relationship of 5 years. Let me preface this by saying that sex is something that I used to consider gross. When I was a teen I didn't have serious boyfriends. I don't really care for tongue kissing as saliva kind of repulses me. I don't care for giving oral sex as I find it boring and a bit gross too. I didn't tongue kiss a guy until I was 22. I have always found guys very physically attractive. I haven't been physically aroused by the sight or thought of much. I do feel slight arousal AFTER my bf starts touching me. Generally, I have no desire to have sex. I can live without it, but I can and do enjoy it and orgasm from it regularly. I generally don't feel the need for masturbation. All that being said, my bf and I have sex 1 to 3 times a week with him initiating 99% of the time. He feels close to me when we have sex. He says he doesn't know how to read me because sometimes I can get into it and other times I'm completely uninterested and I "push" him away. He gets frustrated with me and he sighs and can't go to sleep. He wishes that I initiated more and says that I should try to be more sexual. He thinks that I may end up liking it/wanting it if I tried harder. I've tried explaining that I just don't want to want it more. In the end, I just feel selfish and he feels unwanted. I feel like I'm compromising by having sex at all! But on top of that he is asking that I feign desire as well. I feel like neither of us is 100% right/wrong. Does anyone have advice for me on more that I can do. I love my bf and I want this to work, but I'm not sure how. This issue has come up more recently as we're now living with each other. Before, we'd have sex once a week, but now since I'm here all the time he wants to have sex more often. Sorry for this wall of text! Thanks.

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Ijustneedmyself,

Welcome and you're not alone. I'm a grey asexual virgin woman in a 3 year relationship with a sexual man and me and my boyfriend have sex issue(no surprise). My boyfriend loves oral sex and vaginal intercourse but I don't fill the need to try it because I'm fine with outercourse. Like your boyfriend, my boyfriend thinks if i try oral and vaginal sex, i will like it. Like you, I love my boyfriend and I want this relationship to work out(we've talk about marriage). Sooner or later ,I'm going to have to make a MAJOR decide in my relationship ether compromise fully on sex (oral and vaginal sex) or my sexual boyfriend has to compromise 100% and live without no oral sex, anal sex and vaginal-penis intercourse.

Ijustneedmyself ,what do you want? Do not stay in a relationship if you're not happy and your boyfriend can't understand your asexuality.

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I'm a little confused as to why you say you're compromising by having sex at all when you also say you do enjoy it sometimes. I can totally see why you'd feel bad about having it when you don't want it but do you feel like it's not good to have sex even if you like it? Sorry, maybe I'm not reading the post right but that's what it seemed to say. In any case, I can totally understand the desire to not be pressured. Whether you're gray-a or just low libido, the more you feel driven to do something you don't want, the less you're going to want it. I don't know if explaining that to your boyfriend would help but, if he wants more sex, he's totally shooting himself in the foot by making you feel bad like that. I also understand his frustration about not being able to read you. I have the same situation in my relationship, though for me the roles are reversed sometimes. Both me and my partner have been very stung when we've the other has resisted sex (especially without warning)so I can feel both your pain. We're currently going to therapy to learn how to communicate better about our needs. I once suggested we have some signal, like I wear a certain kind of ribbon in my hair when I was willing to have sex to cut down on feelings of pressure and rejection. He nixed the idea because he said he's too clueless to notice a ribbon but maybe your boyfriend would be more receptive to the idea. I also think, for your relationship to work, he needs to nix the idea that you need to "try harder." Sexual desire isn't about trying, since it's not something we have control over. It's not your fault but, at a guess, he may be framing it as if it is because he may be afraid it's his fault. What's HE doing wrong that he can't get you in the mood more? Have you talked to him about the possibility that you may be gray-a and what this means (can't tell from your post if you have or not)? Maybe if he knows more about your orientation he'll be less hard on himself and, by extension, less hard on you.

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ijustneedmyself

I'm a little confused as to why you say you're compromising by having sex at all when you also say you do enjoy it sometimes. I can totally see why you'd feel bad about having it when you don't want it but do you feel like it's not good to have sex even if you like it? Sorry, maybe I'm not reading the post right but that's what it seemed to say. In any case, I can totally understand the desire to not be pressured. Whether you're gray-a or just low libido, the more you feel driven to do something you don't want, the less you're going to want it. I don't know if explaining that to your boyfriend would help but, if he wants more sex, he's totally shooting himself in the foot by making you feel bad like that. I also understand his frustration about not being able to read you. I have the same situation in my relationship, though for me the roles are reversed sometimes. Both me and my partner have been very stung when we've the other has resisted sex (especially without warning)so I can feel both your pain. We're currently going to therapy to learn how to communicate better about our needs. I once suggested we have some signal, like I wear a certain kind of ribbon in my hair when I was willing to have sex to cut down on feelings of pressure and rejection. He nixed the idea because he said he's too clueless to notice a ribbon but maybe your boyfriend would be more receptive to the idea. I also think, for your relationship to work, he needs to nix the idea that you need to "try harder." Sexual desire isn't about trying, since it's not something we have control over. It's not your fault but, at a guess, he may be framing it as if it is because he may be afraid it's his fault. What's HE doing wrong that he can't get you in the mood more? Have you talked to him about the possibility that you may be gray-a and what this means (can't tell from your post if you have or not)? Maybe if he knows more about your orientation he'll be less hard on himself and, by extension, less hard on you.

I'm sorry for the confusion. I may not have been as clear as I'd have liked. I enjoy sex, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point and there is minimal sensation prior to orgasm. Most of the time I just don't want to put the effort out because I don't care that much. Does that make sense? Trust me...it's a bit confusing for me too. He says he's fine with the amount of sex we have, but I think it's just the rejection part. I'm not a touchy feely kind of person so maybe that's part of it. Maybe I can make more of an effort to show my affection throughout the day through loving touches, not necessarily sexual ones. He has been very accommodating overall, but sometimes he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it either. I definitely want to go to therapy though probably for my own issues first. I don't know that there is anything that he can do short of touching me that gets me in the mood and even that doesn't work sometimes. I have talked to him about the possibility of me being a grey-a, but not necessarily about what it means. I guess I probably should. Thanks for your help.

Edit: I also want to say that I do enjoy pleasuring him...when it's happening. But give me the option to forego sex completely and I will.

Ijustneedmyself,

Welcome and you're not alone. I'm a grey asexual virgin woman in a 3 year relationship with a sexual man and me and my boyfriend have sex issue(no surprise). My boyfriend loves oral sex and vaginal intercourse but I don't fill the need to try it because I'm fine with outercourse. Like your boyfriend, my boyfriend thinks if i try oral and vaginal sex, i will like it. Like you, I love my boyfriend and I want this relationship to work out(we've talk about marriage). Sooner or later ,I'm going to have to make a MAJOR decide in my relationship ether compromise fully on sex (oral and vaginal sex) or my sexual boyfriend has to compromise 100% and live without no oral sex, anal sex and vaginal-penis intercourse.

Ijustneedmyself ,what do you want? Do not stay in a relationship if you're not happy and your boyfriend can't understand your asexuality.

Thank you for the welcome! It's great to know that I'm not alone and that others are going through the same thing. I've always felt a bit different from other people in regards to sex. I was considered a prude growing up. I became less prudish as I got older, but now I'm just realizing that I can surely live without sex. Ideally, my boyfriend and I would be able to work some sort of system out so the feelings of rejection are lessened. I love him and we are so comfortable with each other in every way. I never thought I could be as open with someone as I am with him. I want it to work!

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There are two possible ways of helping him get a better idea of what's going on. The first is to tell him what works and what doesn't when you're having sex. The other way, which probably stings less, is to find a time to have a conversation about everything related to the sexual aspect of your relationship.

As for what else you can do, maybe you can plan out a time you're going to initiate sex. Whenever I schedule sex, it's easier for me to get in the mood (or at least be mentally prepared) and initiate. My partner and I also do this thing where I will suggest that we lay down and let his hands wander, which gets me aroused and typically leads to sex. It's like I'm initiating without being fully committed to it (though I try not to back off after a certain point).

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Even though I am a guy, I can understand you as when I was in relationship with my (now ex) gf, she was the one initiating most of the 'make-out' sessions. It did made me feel weird but somehow I think I just went with the flow. Also as I was really emotionally into the relationship, I suppose it made the sexual attraction for her grow stronger when even the 'conditions and settings' were right :P

The relationship did made me question whether I was really a demisexual as I did initiate some of the make-out sessions. Hence I think that it is a good thing that you are steadfast in what you believe in.

By the way, check out this video because I feel that it explains a lot about Grey-A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vVa-sPI0qw&list=FL_zuMMro6dKfb3-dmKPB1Zw&feature=mh_lolz

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I'm a little confused as to why you say you're compromising by having sex at all when you also say you do enjoy it sometimes. I can totally see why you'd feel bad about having it when you don't want it but do you feel like it's not good to have sex even if you like it? Sorry, maybe I'm not reading the post right but that's what it seemed to say. In any case, I can totally understand the desire to not be pressured. Whether you're gray-a or just low libido, the more you feel driven to do something you don't want, the less you're going to want it. I don't know if explaining that to your boyfriend would help but, if he wants more sex, he's totally shooting himself in the foot by making you feel bad like that. I also understand his frustration about not being able to read you. I have the same situation in my relationship, though for me the roles are reversed sometimes. Both me and my partner have been very stung when we've the other has resisted sex (especially without warning)so I can feel both your pain. We're currently going to therapy to learn how to communicate better about our needs. I once suggested we have some signal, like I wear a certain kind of ribbon in my hair when I was willing to have sex to cut down on feelings of pressure and rejection. He nixed the idea because he said he's too clueless to notice a ribbon but maybe your boyfriend would be more receptive to the idea. I also think, for your relationship to work, he needs to nix the idea that you need to "try harder." Sexual desire isn't about trying, since it's not something we have control over. It's not your fault but, at a guess, he may be framing it as if it is because he may be afraid it's his fault. What's HE doing wrong that he can't get you in the mood more? Have you talked to him about the possibility that you may be gray-a and what this means (can't tell from your post if you have or not)? Maybe if he knows more about your orientation he'll be less hard on himself and, by extension, less hard on you.

I'm sorry for the confusion. I may not have been as clear as I'd have liked. I enjoy sex, but it takes a lot of effort to get to that point and there is minimal sensation prior to orgasm. Most of the time I just don't want to put the effort out because I don't care that much. Does that make sense? Trust me...it's a bit confusing for me too. He says he's fine with the amount of sex we have, but I think it's just the rejection part. I'm not a touchy feely kind of person so maybe that's part of it. Maybe I can make more of an effort to show my affection throughout the day through loving touches, not necessarily sexual ones. He has been very accommodating overall, but sometimes he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle it either. I definitely want to go to therapy though probably for my own issues first. I don't know that there is anything that he can do short of touching me that gets me in the mood and even that doesn't work sometimes. I have talked to him about the possibility of me being a grey-a, but not necessarily about what it means. I guess I probably should. Thanks for your help.

Edit: I also want to say that I do enjoy pleasuring him...when it's happening. But give me the option to forego sex completely and I will.

That totally makes sense. Actually sounds a lot like me. While I do enjoy sex, it's mostly in a mental way (especially watching him enjoy it) as I don't experience a lot of physical sensation either. It's a pain as we'll get into situations where each of us wants to please the other but can't get it started as each need the other to be pleased/turned on first. :P Trying to be more affectionate could definitely help. I'm not touchy-feely either and my partner as complained of me being "cold" sometimes as he very much is. I have to constantly remind myself to show affection for him, not because I don't love him but just because I don't naturally express myself in that way but it means so much to him. Best of luck on that and with therapy if you go that way. It does take a lot of patience though. We've been going for over a year and things are finally starting to turn around.

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Notte stellata

I can relate to a lot of things you said: I find many guys physically attractive, but I don't feel sexual desire toward them; I only feel aroused after my bf touches me; I enjoy sex, but I don't feel the need for sex; My bf and I have sex about the same frequency as you, and he initiates most of the time. But I like non-sexual physical intimacy, like touching and hugging. You can try to do these things more, or be more responsive when your bf touches you. It takes much less effort than sex, but still shows a lot of affection.

Does your bf understand your sexuality well? If not, have an honest talk with him. Good luck!

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  • 3 weeks later...
ijustneedmyself

There are two possible ways of helping him get a better idea of what's going on. The first is to tell him what works and what doesn't when you're having sex. The other way, which probably stings less, is to find a time to have a conversation about everything related to the sexual aspect of your relationship.

As for what else you can do, maybe you can plan out a time you're going to initiate sex. Whenever I schedule sex, it's easier for me to get in the mood (or at least be mentally prepared) and initiate. My partner and I also do this thing where I will suggest that we lay down and let his hands wander, which gets me aroused and typically leads to sex. It's like I'm initiating without being fully committed to it (though I try not to back off after a certain point).

I do tell him what works and we do have discussions about sex when we're not having it. I suggested a schedule and he shot it down. He said it was ridiculous. I can understand why he feels that way. I think that your suggestion that we lay down is actually a good idea. It's like, you're putting in work, but not too much. Haha. Thanks!

Even though I am a guy, I can understand you as when I was in relationship with my (now ex) gf, she was the one initiating most of the 'make-out' sessions. It did made me feel weird but somehow I think I just went with the flow. Also as I was really emotionally into the relationship, I suppose it made the sexual attraction for her grow stronger when even the 'conditions and settings' were right :P

The relationship did made me question whether I was really a demisexual as I did initiate some of the make-out sessions. Hence I think that it is a good thing that you are steadfast in what you believe in.

By the way, check out this video because I feel that it explains a lot about Grey-A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vVa-sPI0qw&list=FL_zuMMro6dKfb3-dmKPB1Zw&feature=mh_lolz

Oh making out...I avoid that. Lol. I find it pretty boring and kinda gross. I can get past the grossness with a stick of minty gum (not that my bf's breath stinks), but then I just get bored. Haha. At least if we did that then it wouldn't be so bad. Haha. Thanks so much for this video. I'll have him look at it.

That totally makes sense. Actually sounds a lot like me. While I do enjoy sex, it's mostly in a mental way (especially watching him enjoy it) as I don't experience a lot of physical sensation either. It's a pain as we'll get into situations where each of us wants to please the other but can't get it started as each need the other to be pleased/turned on first. :P Trying to be more affectionate could definitely help. I'm not touchy-feely either and my partner as complained of me being "cold" sometimes as he very much is. I have to constantly remind myself to show affection for him, not because I don't love him but just because I don't naturally express myself in that way but it means so much to him. Best of luck on that and with therapy if you go that way. It does take a lot of patience though. We've been going for over a year and things are finally starting to turn around.

I do have to remind myself to touch him and kiss him. I hate that it's something I even need to remind myself, but I do it for the sake of our relationship. I guess I just have to try harder. I'm okay with that. As for therapy, thanks for the luck. I think first I'd like to go for myself and then maybe it can be a couples thing. Thanks for your help!

I can relate to a lot of things you said: I find many guys physically attractive, but I don't feel sexual desire toward them; I only feel aroused after my bf touches me; I enjoy sex, but I don't feel the need for sex; My bf and I have sex about the same frequency as you, and he initiates most of the time. But I like non-sexual physical intimacy, like touching and hugging. You can try to do these things more, or be more responsive when your bf touches you. It takes much less effort than sex, but still shows a lot of affection.

Does your bf understand your sexuality well? If not, have an honest talk with him. Good luck!

Ah, it's so nice to see that others feel like me! It gets lonely. I hear people talking about how they had mind-blowing sex and how sex is so important to them and blah blah and I just can't relate. It's cool to meet people like you and others who feel similarly about it. I'm definitely going to try to show more non-sexual affection on a daily basis. He always smiles when I touch him and that makes me happy. I'm still struggling a little with my sexuality so I don't think I have explained myself well enough. We have honest talks all the time. That's what I love about our relationship. We talk about anything and everything. I'll show him the video that joekool posted upthread.

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