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Lack of sex getting me down


Spencer King

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The Great WTF

Much of it comes from the societal belief that sex is a sacred act that should not be sought outside of marriage. Others fear their partners will see that things are better with the sex partner and/or fall in love with them and leave. It varies widely from person to person.

How can sex be simultaneously 'sacred' and unimportant?

Did I say it made sense? Most of us are taught at an early age that sex is this special sacred thing between two people who love each other. Even if to us sex isn't important (and unimportant isn't always the mindset asexuals have towards sex) that nagging little thing we were taught all those years ago is still there. It's not always logical, but there you go.

As an ace that's willing to have sex and in an open relationship, it's not exactly a mindset I understand, but this is something I've been told many times in various ways. The unimportance can also lead to an asexual not understanding WHY sex is so important, thus they do not understand the idea of wanting to seek sex elsewhere and the sacred idea continues to fuel that. It's a bit of a catch-22.

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Much of it comes from the societal belief that sex is a sacred act that should not be sought outside of marriage. Others fear their partners will see that things are better with the sex partner and/or fall in love with them and leave. It varies widely from person to person.

How can sex be simultaneously 'sacred' and unimportant?

Did I say it made sense? Most of us are taught at an early age that sex is this special sacred thing between two people who love each other. Even if to us sex isn't important (and unimportant isn't always the mindset asexuals have towards sex) that nagging little thing we were taught all those years ago is still there. It's not always logical, but there you go.

As an ace that's willing to have sex and in an open relationship, it's not exactly a mindset I understand, but this is something I've been told many times in various ways. The unimportance can also lead to an asexual not understanding WHY sex is so important, thus they do not understand the idea of wanting to seek sex elsewhere and the sacred idea continues to fuel that. It's a bit of a catch-22.

Thank you for explaining.

Perhaps what scares me the most about being with an asexual is that he will never understand the need I have. He will never understand the hunger, and consequently, the hurt. Do asexuals assume that sexuals are petty? Or can they appreciate that sex for us is almost as fundamental as eating.

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The Great WTF

Much of it comes from the societal belief that sex is a sacred act that should not be sought outside of marriage. Others fear their partners will see that things are better with the sex partner and/or fall in love with them and leave. It varies widely from person to person.

How can sex be simultaneously 'sacred' and unimportant?

Did I say it made sense? Most of us are taught at an early age that sex is this special sacred thing between two people who love each other. Even if to us sex isn't important (and unimportant isn't always the mindset asexuals have towards sex) that nagging little thing we were taught all those years ago is still there. It's not always logical, but there you go.

As an ace that's willing to have sex and in an open relationship, it's not exactly a mindset I understand, but this is something I've been told many times in various ways. The unimportance can also lead to an asexual not understanding WHY sex is so important, thus they do not understand the idea of wanting to seek sex elsewhere and the sacred idea continues to fuel that. It's a bit of a catch-22.

Thank you for explaining.

Perhaps what scares me the most about being with an asexual is that he will never understand the need I have. He will never understand the hunger, and consequently, the hurt. Do asexuals assume that sexuals are petty? Or can they appreciate that sex for us is almost as fundamental as eating.

Do sexuals assume asexual are petty for not giving a damn about sex at all? Cynicism aside, it varies widely from person to person like almost anything else. Personally, I understand that sex is of different importance to different people no matter their sexuality. I know others that are still trying to understand that. Some, few, but some, never will. That understanding will, of course, never be 100% complete because it's just nothing something we experience, but for the most part an asexual person can come to grasp that idea and, if not understand it, learn to accept it.

That's one of the huge stumbling blocks of mixed relationships. There are a lot of unintentional hurt feelings on both sides because we have such different ideas about sex, it's importance, and each other's feelings about it. I have days where I want to beat my boyfriend's head in for being such a horny little bugger (usually the days when he interrupts a good book or tries to make himself late for work because he wants to molest me) and there are days when I completely forget about sex for days or weeks at a time or unintentionally shut him down when he's horny (I am notorious for being totally dense like that.) and I know he wants to beat my head in, too.

We might not be able to completely grasp that need, but we CAN learn to understand it and work with/around/through it. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it can happen. Talking is the best thing you can do in that case. I still can't quite fathom the 'need' for sex, per se, beyond knowing that sex is a GREAT cure for my headaches and, instead of thinking 'I want Advil' when I have one now, I think, 'I want sex' because it's the most effective cure I have.

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The Great WTF

"No abstinence tonight dear, I have a headache." Priceless! (In a good way :P)

Damnit! Where's a like button when I need one!?

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The dust had started to settle in my head after my first run through reading this site.

I had started to order the things I had learnt and things I felt, then, all of a sudden I've managed to totally fog up my head. My emotions are all over the place. I have no doubt it was no coincidence this confusion coincided with a period of feeling really horny again. :(

With newly learnt perspectives I'm starting to recognise and comprehend what a slave I am to my sex drive.

I find myself wondering should I attempt to apply my learning into another attempt to change the situation, salvage the relationship... or am I just kidding myself and headed for another disappointment?

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Perhaps what scares me the most about being with an asexual is that he will never understand the need I have. He will never understand the hunger, and consequently, the hurt. Do asexuals assume that sexuals are petty? Or can they appreciate that sex for us is almost as fundamental as eating.

We don't assume that sexuals are petty anymore than sexuals assume that asexuals are unfeeling.

But it depends on the individual. If you as a sexual are in a relationship with an asexual, the two of you need to talk with each other about this. You don't need to understand how each of you feels, but you need to accept it and respect it.

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The Great WTF

The dust had started to settle in my head after my first run through reading this site.

I had started to order the things I had learnt and things I felt, then, all of a sudden I've managed to totally fog up my head. My emotions are all over the place. I have no doubt it was no coincidence this confusion coincided with a period of feeling really horny again. :(

With newly learnt perspectives I'm starting to recognise and comprehend what a slave I am to my sex drive.

I find myself wondering should I attempt to apply my learning into another attempt to change the situation, salvage the relationship... or am I just kidding myself and headed for another disappointment?

Much of that is going to depend on what she wants to do as well as your own desires. If you think it's worth trying again, then try again by all means. Those mood swings you're feeling are natural, of course, and something that might not go away for a while, but they're certainly not a very good mindset to be making decisions in. I'll spare you my communication lecture since you've probably read it a few times around here by now, but maybe it's time to have a chat with your wife again and see what she thinks?

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The dust had started to settle in my head after my first run through reading this site.

I had started to order the things I had learnt and things I felt, then, all of a sudden I've managed to totally fog up my head. My emotions are all over the place. I have no doubt it was no coincidence this confusion coincided with a period of feeling really horny again. :(

With newly learnt perspectives I'm starting to recognise and comprehend what a slave I am to my sex drive.

I find myself wondering should I attempt to apply my learning into another attempt to change the situation, salvage the relationship... or am I just kidding myself and headed for another disappointment?

Spence,

Since I had my "talk" with my wife I realized that I had, in a way, been preoccupied with sex, as well. Though I have a solid labido, I think the years of frustration, depression, isolation, etc. was a strong contributor. I don't think it was because I was just a "horny bastard."

After two weeks of both of us understanding each other and working together on it, I find it much easier to keep my labido in check. You just have to not think about sex and stay away from things that might arouse you (easier said than done). Keeping yourself busy also helps. When you find that your labido does become "too active", then let her know. Hopefully your compromise will work for both of you. They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ. If that's true then we can control our brain...most of the time, anyway.

You will have to understand that she may not be able to provide you with the kind of sex that you may want (eg. passionate sex) and there might be things that she just won't do. That's just the way it is. Hopefully she will work with you, too. Keep us posted.

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Spence,

Since I had my "talk" with my wife I realized that I had, in a way, been preoccupied with sex, as well. Though I have a solid labido, I think the years of frustration, depression, isolation, etc. was a strong contributor. I don't think it was because I was just a "horny bastard."

After two weeks of both of us understanding each other and working together on it, I find it much easier to keep my labido in check. You just have to not think about sex and stay away from things that might arouse you (easier said than done). Keeping yourself busy also helps. When you find that your labido does become "too active", then let her know. Hopefully your compromise will work for both of you. They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ. If that's true then we can control our brain...most of the time, anyway.

You will have to understand that she may not be able to provide you with the kind of sex that you may want (eg. passionate sex) and there might be things that she just won't do. That's just the way it is. Hopefully she will work with you, too. Keep us posted.

Awww, thanks!

It helps to hear how at least some people are making it work. :)

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I have a different perspective here: I'm an asexual in a relationship with a sexual. How do we make it work? Simple: we compromise. And that mostly means we compromise in regards to sex. We're fortunate in that I'm not sex-repulsed, but we're unfortunate in that I do not enjoy sex at all. I never have, and I doubt I ever will. And he knows that. But I am willing to make that sacrifice for his sake, because my love for him overrides my dislike of sex.

In summary: if you can't come to a compromise, there's no point in staying in the relationship. Sometimes the compromise can seem harder than leaving the relationship, but if both (and it has to be both) parties are willing, it can work. If both parties aren't willing, you're doing more harm than good by staying.

Not much help, but it's just one more perspective.

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In summary: if you can't come to a compromise, there's no point in staying in the relationship. Sometimes the compromise can seem harder than leaving the relationship, but if both (and it has to be both) parties are willing, it can work. If both parties aren't willing, you're doing more harm than good by staying.

Not much help, but it's just one more perspective.

I've no issue with what you are saying. The only catch is that both parties need to work so hard to make this continue to work though the stresses and difficulties that life throws at you over 10's years of marriage. Life can fatigue people to the point where they find it difficult to muster the effort required to keep this working.

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I completely agree. I don't have ten years of marriage behind that, but I do agree. It is hard, definitely. But it is possible.

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I have a different perspective here: I'm an asexual in a relationship with a sexual. How do we make it work? Simple: we compromise. And that mostly means we compromise in regards to sex. We're fortunate in that I'm not sex-repulsed, but we're unfortunate in that I do not enjoy sex at all. I never have, and I doubt I ever will. And he knows that. But I am willing to make that sacrifice for his sake, because my love for him overrides my dislike of sex.

In summary: if you can't come to a compromise, there's no point in staying in the relationship. Sometimes the compromise can seem harder than leaving the relationship, but if both (and it has to be both) parties are willing, it can work. If both parties aren't willing, you're doing more harm than good by staying.

Not much help, but it's just one more perspective.

Gah, you know most times I'm totally ok with the idea of compromise and my fate in life, being an asexual. But then sometimes I read things like this and it depresses me. Because I know that inevitably it will have to be my love that is stronger - I don't know anyone who would give up sex, even for love. It's like no matter what, the theme on this board is that love will conquer all, but only if it's through severe compromise on the part of the asexual. Because there is no compromise out there that doesn't involve sex - seriously, we say things like 'both parties have to be willing' but what it really comes down to is that asexuals have to be willing to have some kind of sex. We (on aven) are pretty much the only people who say that our need to not have sex is valid - to the rest of the world, it's just something we'll have to get over. And that blows. :(

(This is not at all directed at you Skenasis. Your post just made some feelings pop up...)

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Gah, you know most times I'm totally ok with the idea of compromise and my fate in life, being an asexual. But then sometimes I read things like this and it depresses me. Because I know that inevitably it will have to be my love that is stronger - I don't know anyone who would give up sex, even for love. It's like no matter what, the theme on this board is that love will conquer all, but only if it's through severe compromise on the part of the asexual. Because there is no compromise out there that doesn't involve sex - seriously, we say things like 'both parties have to be willing' but what it really comes down to is that asexuals have to be willing to have some kind of sex. We (on aven) are pretty much the only people who say that our need to not have sex is valid - to the rest of the world, it's just something we'll have to get over. And that blows. :(

I hear ya. I experience romantic attraction so rarely that sometimes it seems like it almost might as well not exist, but that aspect of me is nevertheless still there, and I have the same worries too :/

/hugs~

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Actually, abean, my partner has told me that he would be perfectly content in a sexless relationship. In his own words, "I have hands". I don't live that because I believe that not all the compromising should be on his part. I know that's just one case among many, but it's still a bit of hope :)

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[Gah, you know most times I'm totally ok with the idea of compromise and my fate in life, being an asexual. But then sometimes I read things like this and it depresses me. Because I know that inevitably it will have to be my love that is stronger - I don't know anyone who would give up sex, even for love. It's like no matter what, the theme on this board is that love will conquer all, but only if it's through severe compromise on the part of the asexual. Because there is no compromise out there that doesn't involve sex - seriously, we say things like 'both parties have to be willing' but what it really comes down to is that asexuals have to be willing to have some kind of sex. We (on aven) are pretty much the only people who say that our need to not have sex is valid - to the rest of the world, it's just something we'll have to get over. And that blows. :(

Sigh. Yes. There's no way to weigh which is more of a compromise: a sexual having less sex than they want/need, or an asexual having any amount of sex that is unpleasant to them (and I'm not talking here about asexuals who actually like or don't mind sex).

Love definitely does not conquer all. Many of us have said that (and some of us have lived it).

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mpm, there is nothing wrong with being asexual.

Nothing at all.

It's rather like saying there is something wrong with being homosexual. Or transgender. Or left-handed. Or a particular skin-colour. Or gifted at art and not maths.

Basically, aces are born aces. If an asexual is making their sexual partner's life a living hell, that's the PERSON, not their sexuality doing that.

One cannot change being ace, but one can change from being a nasty person. That's the truth. My dh is sexual and he isn't the one making an effort. I am. If anyone is committing emotional crimes, he is.

That's too bad...I don't believe anyone should be "held up"... everyones story is different... My ex was highly sexual to the point of seductive for years... then turned it off... so my story may be unique, but the bottom line was no intimacy, no communication and no sex... when my kids left for college I left for a better (for me) life... and I'm happy I did... Compromise for some of us sexuals is hard, not because of the lack of sex, but because when its offered as a favor there's no real emotional bond and its just a physical act... for me that's not fulfilling. My ex would now admit it never worked that way for her... and after twenty years of no communication her new openness as to "why" makes me respect her and care for her more... I'm sad it took twenty years to get there.

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Sigh. Yes. There's no way to weigh which is more of a compromise: a sexual having less sex than they want/need, or an asexual having any amount of sex that is unpleasant to them (and I'm not talking here about asexuals who actually like or don't mind sex).
This is a really good point. Why should all the compromising come from the sexual (ie living in a sexless relationship)? Compromise is about fair give and take from both parties, not all from one or the other.

It's like I said in my previous post: I could have a sexless relationship if I wanted, but that would mean that my partner is completely giving up what he wants, while I'm completely getting my way, and that just isn't fair to him. Hence, compromise.

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Sigh. Yes. There's no way to weigh which is more of a compromise: a sexual having less sex than they want/need, or an asexual having any amount of sex that is unpleasant to them (and I'm not talking here about asexuals who actually like or don't mind sex).
This is a really good point. Why should all the compromising come from the sexual (ie living in a sexless relationship)? Compromise is about fair give and take from both parties, not all from one or the other.

It's like I said in my previous post: I could have a sexless relationship if I wanted, but that would mean that my partner is completely giving up what he wants, while I'm completely getting my way, and that just isn't fair to him. Hence, compromise.

all I meant was that there is no way to determine who's having a worse time compromising. I certainly didn't mean that only the sexual should compromise. I've never read that contention on AVEN.

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I didn't mean that either, Sally :) Sorry if it came out wrong.

sorry I snapped at you, Sken. I often snap first and think later. :redface:

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Of course due to the nature of this thread we zoom in on merely one compromise around sex.

Stand further back for a moment and really its got to be about the larger mix of compromises in a relationship.

Friends we don't like, food we don't like, TV programmes we don't like, places we like to visit or don't, what time is spent doing together. Relationships are full of compromises and its the overall mix of compromises surely that has to be considered, not just trading no sex of asexual off against sex of sexual?

Every day is a barter of trade offs...

Spencer

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I agree, our entire lives are filled with compromise. My husband and I are at a place where we are even compromising on how and when we are going to talk about our inflamatory issues. The whole idea of any of the options (for mixed couples) is to diminish conflict in the relationship.

I know there's a lot of frustration for sexual partners. There's a lot of frustration period in a mixed relationship (the asexual partner may be even more frustrated...how do we know???). I'm imagining his frustration with my constant dismay, and constant efforts to change him.

If you're holding a hammer too tight while you're driving a nail...

If you're holding a pen too tight when you're trying to write...

I'm just saying sexuals could afford to loosen their grip on the fix this relationship hammer just a bit. Reconstruction might go a little smoother.

I'm kinda telling myself this actually, just so you all know!

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I agree with Spense, and Lady Girl has a good point. There are many viewpoints of what love, relationships and marriage are. I tend to agree with the premise of Ladygirls' C.S. Lewis quote in another thread "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good."

In a relationship, particularly in a marriage, we constantly wish for our partners' good. Many of the sacrifices we make for each other we often don't even consider sacrifices. We enjoy doing many of them because it makes our partner happy. Some sacrifices seem a lot "harder" to do than others and thus are more difficult to make. It is my view that the greater the love, the greater the sacrifices you will be willing to make for your partner. In fact, with the right attitude, the sacrifices we make for our partner can be turned from "burdensome" to "joy." If we truly love our partner, their happiness becomes my happiness (just as their sorrow becomes my sorrow). This is unity and love at its best...if both are reciprocating that is.

Even simple tasks (sacrifices) like vacuuming the house can be turned into an awesome act of love...even an intimate act of love. While vacuuming, if you think of how this will please your partner and how happy it will make them, and think of what a wonderful person they are and how much they love you...it may not bring you to orgasm but it will bring you closer together. It becomes loving and selfless.

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Spencer - it was great to read your post. I'm in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for almost two years and when we met, he was 48 and I 44, he seemed fine and wonderful and a little shy perhaps but I was of the feeling that once we had overcome the 'newness' of the relationship, he would be confident enough to make a move sexually. However, after about four months of dating and the odd hug, he finally kissed me but became embarassed and made a bit of a fuss. He then confessed that he was a virgin. He talked about some sexual daliance he had had and kisses, but never penetrative sex.

Although this was odd for me, I already thought he was wonderful in every other way so was willing to work on that side of things and he certainly talked the talk and seemed interested and excited at the idea of finally getting over that hurdle.

However, after almost 6 months together, his lack of erection meant that we still hadn't managed penetrative sex, and what activity we did have - was always initiated by me. Again I put it down to shyness, but a year later - we managed penetration about 8 or ten times only, and again, always initiated by me. Since then, we've been to the doctors (again at my behest) to get some tablets to help him acheive and maintain an erection - but he's got the tablets now and isn't taking them unless I tell him to.

I'm not sure if he's asexual and I'm sure that he doesn't know either - but like you a part of me feels cheated because when we met, he talked the talk you know? He said he was so glad that I wasn't a prudish woman, that I was passionate - and now there's little passion in our lives and I feel a bit tricked.

In every other way he's the most wonderful and loving man and I don't want to fall out about this, but I feel if we talk about it any more, he's going to feel terribly picked on, but I want to try and come to terms with what we do and don't have. I feel as if I still don't know what that is.

Hope that makes sense - and if anyone can tell me whether he is asexual or not, that would be great!

Cheers

Hi there!

After reading this post I realize how many people really do not understand what asexuality is. I believe your husband may be shy due to his physical issue. It could be something simple like performance anxiety. Asexuality is an orientation. We asexuals do not experience sexual attraction. That does not mean we don't have sex. Or we can't have sex. Or that we don't like it. It means we just don't "get" the sexual attraction part. Many asexuals have sex regularly...and some even enjoy it! Some of us have it to please our partners, some do it out of obligation, some do it out of physical need. Some are able to compromise, some are not. We are all different, just as sexuals are different. I guess my point here is that there are a lot of sexual people that believe asexuality is a choice, that it can be "fixed", that it is a defect of some sort or that we have control of it. And the biggest issue I see is that so many think that because someone does not like sex or has "trouble" with it in some way they "must be asexual".

I do hope you and your husband are able to work through this together. The best way of course is with communication! Have some :cake: :cake: :cake:

Scorpion :D

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire.

So let's turn this around.

If you're the sexual in the relationship, let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your partner to fill a need that you have that the partner doesn't. Don't make your partner feel bad about what they don't desire.

How does that sound?

Maybe if you're the unhappy, unfulfilled person in the relationship, it's you who should leave.

Hear hear!! We are not criminals, just different!

Scorpion

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As for 'who has it worse'. I vote sexual (not that I'm biased). After all, we live in a sexual society where the sexual is the norm and the asexual is the atypical, and yet the sexual is expected to become atypical to please their partner. The sexual person turns on the TV, goes to the cinema, chats with friends, and they see sex all around them, reminding them of their inner desires, reminding them of what they will never have (because sex with someone who is reluctant is crap sex).

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As for 'who has it worse'. I vote sexual (not that I'm biased). After all, we live in a sexual society where the sexual is the norm and the asexual is the atypical, and yet the sexual is expected to become atypical to please their partner. The sexual person turns on the TV, goes to the cinema, chats with friends, and they see sex all around them, reminding them of their inner desires, reminding them of what they will never have (because sex with someone who is reluctant is crap sex).

As I said above, if you are miserable in your relationship, you should leave it, not stick around and blame your partner for not being what you need them to be. That's pretty much what everyone should do.

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The Great WTF

As for 'who has it worse'. I vote sexual (not that I'm biased). After all, we live in a sexual society where the sexual is the norm and the asexual is the atypical, and yet the sexual is expected to become atypical to please their partner. The sexual person turns on the TV, goes to the cinema, chats with friends, and they see sex all around them, reminding them of their inner desires, reminding them of what they will never have (because sex with someone who is reluctant is crap sex).

Operating on that same idea, an asexual person looks at the same situations, being surrounded by sexual imagery and whatnot, and they will have a great deal of guilt in knowing they cannot give something that seems so natural, important, and expected to the rest of the world to their partner. That is an extremely painful thing to deal with, even moreso if you can't understand WHY it seems so important or don't know why you just don't feel the same way the rest of the world does.

I don't think either one or the other has it worse, per se, just that it can suck for both sides in different ways. It's hard to weigh one against the other. As someone who is dating an sexual, it can be very painful for me to look at certain movies or hear conversations that make sex out to be something so wonderful and bonding and romantic (I can't discuss sex with either of our mothers for that reason.) I'll never be able to give that kind of feeling to my boyfriend nor will I ever experience it myself. I'll also never know that feeling of deprivation a sexual person does and sometimes that can be just as painful. If you know you're hurting the person you love, even if you can't understand the cause of the hurt, it can be just as painful.

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