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Lack of sex getting me down


Spencer King

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Weeping Willow

Which industry is that?

Have you ever broached the topic of having a "friend with benefits" to your wife? How did she react? My husband seems to think that I absolutely cannot have sex with anyone else - but I can't have sex with him either! So effectively he's making me celibate. Is this common asexual behaviour?

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Weeping Willow

Hi Makka, I have been trailing comments on this site for a few weeks now. I too am a sexual female in an asexual relationship, based in East Anglia. I was initially so relived to find that this is far more of a problem for couples than I supposed, and many are affected females. This is my first post as having discovered that this is a common problem, there is still no solution, only options as I see it:

a) have an affair

b) accept a sexless marraige

c) leave him

Option a and c are very attractive right now as I am struggling with it, but there are times too when I think I can do option B. If my marraige was an orange with segments would I throw away the whole orange because one segment was bad? No, I'd throw away the bad bit and get on with enjoying the rest. Not sure if any of this post makes sense as I can hardly articulate any feelings around this subject at present.

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ok.. i will voice my opinions... and few follow my train of thought.. but here it goes... i was married.. and yes i had sex with him.... for him.. not me but as time went on.. it annpoyed me... the wanting sex.. so i allowed him to explore and find a partner for his needs... but there were rules... i was to be informed when this was to happen and when the partner was new... i had to meet and approve of her.... this went on for 5 year well.. even joined once with them to make him happy... but the problem is.. mpost men cannot live by rules and as time went on... he beleived i was stupid?? and starting screwing around willy nilly... so i made him leave...that was my choice to do that and with the right partner.. would have been a good option... but i also realised i married him for wrong reasons in beginning... your realationship sounds strong and stable.. for the most part... so it may be an option for you... but before you venture that way... you need to ask yourself... " can i do this JUST for physical release?? or will i get emotionally invoved and draw away from her??" the real question isnt of she will allow it... it is.. are you strong enuff to handle it??

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Hi all,

New to this board and have been in a asexual relationship for over twenty years. It's no fun.

My wife was very sexual (aggressive) up until child birth... Then she began to drift into a pattern

of rejection (me) or avoidance by coming to bed late and leaving early.

Long story-short (twenty years of this)... You go through major emotional swings. I stayed in the relationship

until my kids went to college. I'm not advocating this, but its what I chose.

Someone on this board posted her husband would not have sex with her, nor let her go outside the marriage for sex. That's

only half of the trap... The other half is in your partner not being emotionally available either. If they were, they would support your needs

emotionally. I would advise if you're on this board and you do not have children... make your intentions known, even if your partner tries

to avoid the conversation (it took me years and her being in years of therapy just to start the conversation).

My situation may be unique, my wife was raped and was never really forthright on what happened to her (and she's still in denial)... but she laid

the trap unconsciously early in the relationship...

The key to figuring all this out is open communication, and it may take some real work to get to that point.

If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire. If you're on the receiving end of this behavior, give yourself the end date, do everything

you can to try and salvage the relationship, and if that does not work you know you held up your end of the bargain and walk away.

Best to all

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only options as I see it:

a) have an affair

b) accept a sexless marraige

c) leave him

Option a and c are very attractive right now as I am struggling with it, but there are times too when I think I can do option B. If my marraige was an orange with segments would I throw away the whole orange because one segment was bad? No, I'd throw away the bad bit and get on with enjoying the rest. Not sure if any of this post makes sense as I can hardly articulate any feelings around this subject at present.

I'd add its only after doing your best to work at solving the problem. Then the options are stark, and they are as you list them above. :( very bleak outlook for many working their way through the site for the first time.

I really loved your analogy with the Orange, I think I'd take mine back to where I bought it, but that's not an option is it? ;)

It pretty much relates to my problem of this issue essentially being the only segment that is rotten, do I throw all those other nice bits away too? It seems a terrible waste. :wacko:

Thanks for that contribution to the thread I got a lot from it, well articulated. :)

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most men cannot live by rules and as time went on... he beleived i was stupid?? and starting screwing around willy nilly... so i made him leave...that was my choice to do that and with the right partner.. would have been a good option... but i also realised i married him for wrong reasons in beginning... your realationship sounds strong and stable.. for the most part... so it may be an option for you... but before you venture that way... you need to ask yourself... " can i do this JUST for physical release?? or will i get emotionally invoved and draw away from her??" the real question isnt of she will allow it... it is.. are you strong enuff to handle it??

I'm both fearful and excited that I might find my perfect match if I went wandering, leading to pain and then possible ultimate happiness.

I have no doubt that friends with benefits can work with the right people, but wanting more is a very real risk.

Going elsewhere for sex is something personally in my mind seems like a solution but we all know this is going to get messy and very emotionally challenging. Its one of those real vs in your mind type things, very differing prepositions!

Your post holds valued insight from someone with experience of that option -Thank you!

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire. If you're on the receiving end of this behavior, give yourself the end date, do everything

you can to try and salvage the relationship, and if that does not work you know you held up your end of the bargain and walk away.

Best to all

Gosh! :o

Thanks for your contribution to the point!

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I agree that the orange is a good analogy. I certainly wouldn't have bought an orange with a rotten segment if I had known about it.

I've been wondering, are we sexuals co-dependent? Shouldn't we have left our partners the moment we sensed something was seriously wrong, and the fact that we didn't renders us a leeeedle bit co-dependant?

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I've been wondering, are we sexuals co-dependent? Shouldn't we have left our partners the moment we sensed something was seriously wrong, and the fact that we didn't renders us a leeeedle bit co-dependant?

I'll certainly put my hand up as co-dependent!

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I agree that the orange is a good analogy. I certainly wouldn't have bought an orange with a rotten segment if I had known about it.

I've been wondering, are we sexuals co-dependent? Shouldn't we have left our partners the moment we sensed something was seriously wrong, and the fact that we didn't renders us a leeeedle bit co-dependant?

We all have our reasons for staying or going... I knew ten years ago that when my youngest was about to head off to college I was going to head back to a world that I consider "normal"... Issues are complex and if you're a "guy" you have a predisposition to "fix" the situation... (generalization but holds up ). I tried to fix the situation for almost a decade, and failed. An asexual. even if they were once highly sexual is not coming back...

My ex and I are still friends, she's on the dating services now... but when men find out what she is, they're gone. At least now she's honest.

If you believe that sex is not important... then you need to be upfront with your mate and let them make the choice to leave... If you're not the earner in the family, you should not shake them down... but help them get back on their emotional feet since you were the party that perpetrated the fraud. If you're on the receiving end of the behavior and the earner, you should not kick your ex to the curb, but help him or her find their path...

Sex, communication and intimacy are key factors to a successful relationship... and if you're lacking one of the three, look for the door IMO.

Life's too short... take it from someone who wasted over a decade. Happy now though !

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire.

So let's turn this around.

If you're the sexual in the relationship, let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your partner to fill a need that you have that the partner doesn't. Don't make your partner feel bad about what they don't desire.

How does that sound?

Maybe if you're the unhappy, unfulfilled person in the relationship, it's you who should leave.

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I just want to interject really quickly that I don't think anybody in these relationships was 'laying a trap' for their sexual partners. Asexuals are people too, and many of us didn't realize for a very long time that we were actually asexual. I always thought I would grow into liking sex, that it was just a matter of practice or age or a different partner or a different this or that...that doesn't mean that I was laying traps for the people I got into relationships with. I went in knowing that I didn't love sex, but I also went in thinking that I could make it work, thinking that I would try my best to make my partner happy, etc. And yes, eventually I would grow tired of constantly putting my needs on a back burner and doing something that made me unhapppy (sex) for my partner, and things would end. But I most certainly was NOT laying a trap. I knew I was different, but I didn't know how different and I also refused to fully accept that difference (because admitting that you are that fundamentally different is DAMNED hard) for ages.

Being asexual or having a low sex drive does not necessarily mean that that person is a manipulative, lying sneak who preys on innocent people. We all go into relationships with baggage/tics/habits/flaws. Don't play the victim when you're not.

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire. If you're on the receiving end of this behavior, give yourself the end date, do everything you can to try and salvage the relationship, and if that does not work you know you held up your end of the bargain and walk away.

I must admit reading something that basically states that the asexual is holding the sexual to ransom makes me frown. I have done what my sexual dh has asked for 14 years, and have been the one to make every concession. I have felt the violence and mental abuse over the years, been accused of all sorts of things. I have been made to feel bad about who I am and about what I want (which is apparently 'abnormal'). He doesn't feel bad at all that I have compromised. He sees it as my wifely duty. I have asked to talk with him over they years about it and he refused until recently, then didn't want to know; we have another talk yesterday at my request, and still, he wants everything to fix itself.

So, who is the one who isn't holding up their end of the bargain?

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The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

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This thread's getting rather sickening to read. Some of the analogies are way off-kilter.

So, instead of saying anything uncouth, I'm just going to say "what the four posts above me said"

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The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

I really think we could get carried away with or hung up on the orange analogy if we are not careful. :unsure: It was meant to be representing elements of the relationship, not the individuals.

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire.

So let's turn this around.

If you're the sexual in the relationship, let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your partner to fill a need that you have that the partner doesn't. Don't make your partner feel bad about what they don't desire.

How does that sound?

Maybe if you're the unhappy, unfulfilled person in the relationship, it's you who should leave.

I did... and my point is simple...

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mpm, there is nothing wrong with being asexual.

Nothing at all.

It's rather like saying there is something wrong with being homosexual. Or transgender. Or left-handed. Or a particular skin-colour. Or gifted at art and not maths.

Basically, aces are born aces. If an asexual is making their sexual partner's life a living hell, that's the PERSON, not their sexuality doing that.

One cannot change being ace, but one can change from being a nasty person. That's the truth. My dh is sexual and he isn't the one making an effort. I am. If anyone is committing emotional crimes, he is.

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If you're the Asexual in the relationship... let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your inability to reject the basic human needs

some of us have... don't make us feel bad about what we desire.

So let's turn this around.

If you're the sexual in the relationship, let your partner go. It's an emotional crime to force your partner to fill a need that you have that the partner doesn't. Don't make your partner feel bad about what they don't desire.

How does that sound?

Maybe if you're the unhappy, unfulfilled person in the relationship, it's you who should leave.

I did... and my point is simple...

I agree with Sally here. There's no reason an asexual should "let their partner go" because of lack of sexual attraction. What an asexual should do is as soon as they find out (and it's relevant say they're in a marriage or relationship) explain to their sexual partner what they are okay with and what they are not. If the two of them can't work anything out then it's whoever cannot deal with whatever the problem is that should be leaving provided they can't find a solution.

I agree that the last bunch of posts here are a little over simplistic and almost viewing sex as the main reason for the relationship. The fact is relationships are complicated and so is sex. Communication and working together is the only way to really get anywhere and if you can't agree then you have to decide what can be lived with.

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The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

I really think we could get carried away with or hung up on the orange analogy if we are not careful. :unsure: It was meant to be representing elements of the relationship, not the individuals.

It represented one person's asexuality as being the rotten part of the orange. Sorry, but as an asexual, I think that's pretty nasty.

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The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

I really think we could get carried away with or hung up on the orange analogy if we are not careful. :unsure: It was meant to be representing elements of the relationship, not the individuals.

It represented one person's asexuality as being the rotten part of the orange. Sorry, but as an asexual, I think that's pretty nasty.

To a sexual person it can appear that way. This might not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth for many sexuals. When everything else in the relationship is fab, the sex issue can seem like the rotten piece.

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Weeping Willow

The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

I really think we could get carried away with or hung up on the orange analogy if we are not careful. :unsure: It was meant to be representing elements of the relationship, not the individuals.

It represented one person's asexuality as being the rotten part of the orange. Sorry, but as an asexual, I think that's pretty nasty.

To a sexual person it can appear that way. This might not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth for many sexuals. When everything else in the relationship is fab, the sex issue can seem like the rotten piece.

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Weeping Willow

The analogy of the orange was one that made me feel a tad uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why at first. Then it occurred to me that being compared to an orange with a rotting piece inside made me feel slightly nauseated. Plus, I don't think of my asexuality as a 'bad' part of me. It's not. It's simply a part of me.

Am I welcome to view a sexual person's non-aceness as a 'bad' part of them? Because I do not. It is simply part of them.

I really think we could get carried away with or hung up on the orange analogy if we are not careful. :unsure: It was meant to be representing elements of the relationship, not the individuals.

It represented one person's asexuality as being the rotten part of the orange. Sorry, but as an asexual, I think that's pretty nasty.

To a sexual person it can appear that way. This might not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth for many sexuals. When everything else in the relationship is fab, the sex issue can seem like the rotten piece.

My apologies to all the asexuals who have been offended by my orange analogy, I did not intend to cause "Orangegate". This forum I assumed to be more aimed at the sexual partner in the relationship and in particular this topic "lack of sex is getting me down". I understood it to be an opportunity for the sexual partner to express their emotions and feelings without offending the asexual. Many of us ( and yes I am sure it is the same for asexuals) have to tread the emotional tightrope at home every moment of the day, particulary as I for one feel that the asexual has the upper hand i.e you cant have sex with me and you cant have sex with anyone else either.

Once again apologies to any asexuals following this topic thread. Spencer, your topic, your fault. :lol:

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particulary as I for one feel that the asexual has the upper hand i.e you cant have sex with me and you cant have sex with anyone else either.

I want to reframe that, or add to it: "You can't have sex with me and you can't have sex with anyone else either if you want to stay in the relationship with me."

I don't think it's fair for anyone -- sexual, asexual, whatever -- to order another person to do or not do something with their own body. At the point where that is happening, a partner must decide how much the relationship is worth to them, and whether they want to accept that dictum. If they do accept it, then they've essentially willingly made a contract, and they shouldn't blame the other person.

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Option a and c are very attractive right now as I am struggling with it, but there are times too when I think I can do option B. If my marraige was an orange with segments would I throw away the whole orange because one segment was bad? No, I'd throw away the bad bit and get on with enjoying the rest. Not sure if any of this post makes sense as I can hardly articulate any feelings around this subject at present.

In fairness, the orange analogy compared the marriage to an orange (not the asexual!). I took it to mean that the mismatch is the bad segment - not individually either the asexuality of one partner nor the sexuality of the other.

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particulary as I for one feel that the asexual has the upper hand i.e you cant have sex with me and you cant have sex with anyone else either.

I want to reframe that, or add to it: "You can't have sex with me and you can't have sex with anyone else either if you want to stay in the relationship with me."

I don't think it's fair for anyone -- sexual, asexual, whatever -- to order another person to do or not do something with their own body. At the point where that is happening, a partner must decide how much the relationship is worth to them, and whether they want to accept that dictum. If they do accept it, then they've essentially willingly made a contract, and they shouldn't blame the other person.

As far as I understand it, asexuals don't 'get' the whole sexual drive. They don't miss it, they don't want it, or notice that it's absent. They don't see sex as special. So if asexuals don't hold sex any esteem, why would they forbid their partner having sex with someone else?

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As far as I understand it, asexuals don't 'get' the whole sexual drive. They don't miss it, they don't want it, or notice that it's absent. They don't see sex as special. So if asexuals don't hold sex any esteem, why would they forbid their partner having sex with someone else?

What did your husband say when you asked him that question? Did it have anything to do with you not believing in birth control?

Lucinda

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As far as I understand it, asexuals don't 'get' the whole sexual drive. They don't miss it, they don't want it, or notice that it's absent. They don't see sex as special. So if asexuals don't hold sex any esteem, why would they forbid their partner having sex with someone else?

What did your husband say when you asked him that question? Did it have anything to do with you not believing in birth control?

Lucinda

I do believe in birth control. I think you're confusing me with someone else.

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The Great WTF

particulary as I for one feel that the asexual has the upper hand i.e you cant have sex with me and you cant have sex with anyone else either.

I want to reframe that, or add to it: "You can't have sex with me and you can't have sex with anyone else either if you want to stay in the relationship with me."

I don't think it's fair for anyone -- sexual, asexual, whatever -- to order another person to do or not do something with their own body. At the point where that is happening, a partner must decide how much the relationship is worth to them, and whether they want to accept that dictum. If they do accept it, then they've essentially willingly made a contract, and they shouldn't blame the other person.

As far as I understand it, asexuals don't 'get' the whole sexual drive. They don't miss it, they don't want it, or notice that it's absent. They don't see sex as special. So if asexuals don't hold sex any esteem, why would they forbid their partner having sex with someone else?

Much of it comes from the societal belief that sex is a sacred act that should not be sought outside of marriage. Others fear their partners will see that things are better with the sex partner and/or fall in love with them and leave. It varies widely from person to person.

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Much of it comes from the societal belief that sex is a sacred act that should not be sought outside of marriage. Others fear their partners will see that things are better with the sex partner and/or fall in love with them and leave. It varies widely from person to person.

How can sex be simultaneously 'sacred' and unimportant?

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