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Lack of sex getting me down


Spencer King

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Hi,

I'm forty year old male from NE England, sexual married for sixteen years to some one I think to be on some scale of asexual.

Reflecting on life over the new year period sent me flying into a brick wall, a realization that I don't want to live the rest of my life without sex. Its really screwed up my head for the last few weeks sent my emotions into a spin. :(

My wife has never initiated sex, never masturbated, and for the last ten years freaks out if things get to the point of penetration. Sex was never a big element of the relationship, but being her first I assumed she would get more comfortable over time, only to find exactly the opposite. Meanwhile I'm an unusually extremely cuddly, affectionate male with a very healthy sex drive.

I've been so understanding for so long and put up with the lack sex but now its really getting me down. Reading some of the other posts on this forum I so relate to the feelings of not signing up for this, and the effects of rejection etc.

We have a ten year old child which complicates things, and isn't marriage supposed to be for better or worse, but I do feel some how tricked (irrational perhaps?). Other parts of the relationship are 95 percent healthy, we get at the friendship level of the marriage very well and have not grown apart.

I am currently craving sex so much and find myself in a dark place over this issue. I'm generally a really happy cheerful person!

Sexual female buddies, divorce all have crossed my mind for the first time over these weeks...

Anyway that's why I've discovered this site and will be hanging out for a little while.

Spencer

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Gho St Ory Qwan

Welcome to Aven. =] :cake: :cake:

I hope things work out for you and your wife. It's important you both feel loved and cared for despite your differences.

Have you spoken to her about how you've been feeling?

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ah 10 years of freaking out at penetration + 10 y/o child makes me wonder if it could be a physical issue stemming from childbirth that makes penetration overly painful. If this is something you guys havent looked into or discussed it could be something a minor opperation could fix. I could be wrong but not knowing anymore I can't offer a better idea.

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ah 10 years of freaking out at penetration + 10 y/o child makes me wonder if it could be a physical issue stemming from childbirth that makes penetration overly painful. If this is something you guys havent looked into or discussed it could be something a minor opperation could fix. I could be wrong but not knowing anymore I can't offer a better idea.

Yes there is a connection between the timings, really more to do with having an "excuse" to not even go there during pregnancy and then a ready made stack of excuses afterwards, but things were only a tiny bit better before pregnancy.

I'm certain as I can be its not a physical problem.

Although we've talked in the past about these issues, at this moment I'm fearful to talk just while I'm in this fragile frame of mind, the conversation may go down routes I'm not ready to handle. I'm looking at a dead end with not attractive ways out.

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The Great WTF

The best thing I can think of is that the two of you really need to talk about this. Maybe you should set her loose on AVEN, give her some time to absorb everything, and take some time yourself to get your feelings and thoughts organized. Writing things down always helps me.

If she IS asexual, then it's not something that is going to change and forcing her will only cause problems. Quietly stewing isn't healthy for you, though. You should think of what alternatives you might be willing to look into, be they an open relationship or even sexual compromises that don't involve penetration. As I said, taking her to AVEN may give her an opportunity to sort out some of her own feelings and talk to people who are in a similar situation to hers.

Try not to resent your wife. I know it's hard and what you're going through is painful, but until recently there was no term for asexuality. It's very likely she didn't know that she was like this until it was too late. And, as an asexual, I can attest that it's very hard for someone who is asexual to understand your need for sex because very often it's something impossible for us to comprehend.

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Wow, that sounds so much like you could be telling my story! I'm a little younger and so are our kids, but so similar. I am also very affectionate and cuddly, and even that is NEVER initiated. I can totally relate to a feeling of entrapment (sounds selfish I know). I can get sex if I pick my time (very rare) but even then there is almost no connection, it is just do it as quick as possible, or "ok as long as you dont touch me". Which leaves me feeling just as empty, lonely and horrible as before.

I felt so amazed by finding this forum as it really seemed to hit the nail on the head. But I'm really struggling to bring it up for fear of facing the reality that if this is true (and it's a compelling case) that it is something I will have to face for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I preferred it when I thought it was me.

Anyhow, I know there isn't really anything in there to help you but please know you are not alone, and I really understand and feel for you.

My next step is, I am going to talk to a psyc (never thought I would have to do that) and try get some help on how to bring it up.

Also I have found a product called "libidno" it is basicly vitex (chaste berry), licorice root, and valerian. I don't bother importing it anymore but just source the herbs on their own. It does a great job for me to stop the spontaneous urges from daily life in the world we live in. But doesn't stop the emptiness from the lack of touch at home (that seems to hit me in a much deeper emotional level). I read someone on here discribe it as "a basket ball size hole in your stomach" just spot on for me.

Anyhow welcome and I pray for you to find hope!

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Wow, that sounds so much like you could be telling my story! I'm a little younger and so are our kids, but so similar. I am also very affectionate and cuddly, and even that is NEVER initiated. I can totally relate to a feeling of entrapment (sounds selfish I know). I can get sex if I pick my time (very rare) but even then there is almost no connection, it is just do it as quick as possible, or "ok as long as you dont touch me". Which leaves me feeling just as empty, lonely and horrible as before.

Thanks it helped knowing I'm not on my own with this!

You are right about even initiating cuddles, its just not right to have to do all the work just for a hug or cuddle!

Also I nod in agreement with your description of being left feeling as empty, lonely and horrible as before.

This has crept up on me and then hit me all of a sudden. Reading the forum, its pretty bleak, especially if looking for a "cure". The best hope is for a work around and compromises from what I'm reading. I've had ten years of friendship but physical emotional emptiness. I so yearn to fill the void.

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This has crept up on me and then hit me all of a sudden. Reading the forum, its pretty bleak, especially if looking for a "cure". The best hope is for a work around and compromises from what I'm reading.

The attempt at compromise must begin with an honest conversation about whether 1) you can deal with compromise, because for the two of you to meet in the middle, you will not be getting everything you want, and 2) the same for her, as she will necessarily be doing some things that she doesn't want. Talk about actions, not feelings, because your feelings aren't going to change. You want sex; she apparently doesn't. You have to start at that point, because that's the only realistic point.

a number of us on AVEN (men and women) have had relationships before we knew there was anything such as asexuality. We had sex because our partners wanted it, and we wanted to please them, and we wanted the relationship to continue because we loved them. We weren't lying to them, or tricking them; we simply didn't know what was going on, and we just kept trying. Some of us finally gave up, because it was just too much. Believe me, when you keep doing something you don't like, it's really difficult, so you're not the only one who's having a hard time.

But you have to talk. If you can't talk about it, very frankly and realistically, the relationship just won't work.

Please don't think you'd be doing your child a favor for staying in a marriage in which you're miserable. I was one of those children and I wish my parents had given up before they did. Children know when their parents aren't happy with each other.

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a number of us on AVEN (men and women) have had relationships before we knew there was anything such as asexuality. We had sex because our partners wanted it, and we wanted to please them, and we wanted the relationship to continue because we loved them. We weren't lying to them, or tricking them; we simply didn't know what was going on, and we just kept trying. Some of us finally gave up, because it was just too much. Believe me, when you keep doing something you don't like, it's really difficult, so you're not the only one who's having a hard time.

But you have to talk. If you can't talk about it, very frankly and realistically, the relationship just won't work.

Please don't think you'd be doing your child a favor for staying in a marriage in which you're miserable. I was one of those children and I wish my parents had given up before they did. Children know when their parents aren't happy with each other.

I know there was not intended deceit involved, that's why I said its an irrational feeling of having being tricked.

Yes I have to take a deep breath and try the talking again, just need a little space before I do in order to work out what outcomes are compromises I could accept.

I'm from a single parent upbringing, I know all about how much children can see and understand. I'd say the other component elements of the relationship are better and healthier than most others I can see around us. BUT the lack of physical affection is crushing me at the moment as it is dis-proportionality important to me.

Thanks for contributions so far, giving me plenty of food for thought, even the process of having to write it down is helping order things in my head a little.

Perhaps I just need a short lusty affair to get it out my system for another ten years! -or perhaps that will give me a taste for what I'm missing. I just don't know!

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Perhaps I just need a short lusty affair to get it out my system for another ten years! -or perhaps that will give me a taste for what I'm missing. I just don't know!

It could also turn out to not be a short lusty affair but also an emotional one, which would be messy, to say the least, for you, your wife, and the person with whom you have the affair.

I'm not advising divorce, but it sounds like you and your wife are good close friends but the sex issue is interfering with that. If you took the marriage out of it (i.e., the expectation that marriage partners will be sex partners), you might be able to remain good friends and good co-parents without all the frustration.

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Perhaps I just need a short lusty affair to get it out my system for another ten years! -or perhaps that will give me a taste for what I'm missing. I just don't know!

It could also turn out to not be a short lusty affair but also an emotional one, which would be messy, to say the least, for you, your wife, and the person with whom you have the affair.

I'm not advising divorce, but it sounds like you and your wife are good close friends but the sex issue is interfering with that. If you took the marriage out of it (i.e., the expectation that marriage partners will be sex partners), you might be able to remain good friends and good co-parents without all the frustration.

I agree. We're taught that we shouldn't allow sex to interfere with our relationships, and I think most of us feel like bad people for considering ending a relationship because of it. I suggest moving past that thought. I also suggest moving past the thought that you or she will ever change your perspectives.

As Sally said, compromises work if both partners can meet in the middle and get more happiness out of it than unhappiness. For some asexuals this is possible; for others, it's not. There are asexuals like the Great WTF who have sex happily... there are sexuals like my partner (and ladygirl's) who have sex occasionally, and largely out of obligation... and then there are asexuals who can't compromise without significant emotional and sometimes physical trauma. You and your wife need to figure out if compromise is even possible.

Once you reach some sort of understanding, then you are left to decide what you are OK with. Again, don't focus on the "right" or "wrong" reasons to end a relationship. Don't focus on changing either of your preferences. Just decide if you are happy, and if the level of your happiness is sufficient to maintain the marriage. Nothing else matters. If you're not happy, your wife won't be happy. If you're not happy, your kids won't be happy. And if you're not happy, you're not happy... every single person in your family deserves happiness. That is the only factor to consider.

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Spencer - it was great to read your post. I'm in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for almost two years and when we met, he was 48 and I 44, he seemed fine and wonderful and a little shy perhaps but I was of the feeling that once we had overcome the 'newness' of the relationship, he would be confident enough to make a move sexually. However, after about four months of dating and the odd hug, he finally kissed me but became embarassed and made a bit of a fuss. He then confessed that he was a virgin. He talked about some sexual daliance he had had and kisses, but never penetrative sex.

Although this was odd for me, I already thought he was wonderful in every other way so was willing to work on that side of things and he certainly talked the talk and seemed interested and excited at the idea of finally getting over that hurdle.

However, after almost 6 months together, his lack of erection meant that we still hadn't managed penetrative sex, and what activity we did have - was always initiated by me. Again I put it down to shyness, but a year later - we managed penetration about 8 or ten times only, and again, always initiated by me. Since then, we've been to the doctors (again at my behest) to get some tablets to help him acheive and maintain an erection - but he's got the tablets now and isn't taking them unless I tell him to.

I'm not sure if he's asexual and I'm sure that he doesn't know either - but like you a part of me feels cheated because when we met, he talked the talk you know? He said he was so glad that I wasn't a prudish woman, that I was passionate - and now there's little passion in our lives and I feel a bit tricked.

In every other way he's the most wonderful and loving man and I don't want to fall out about this, but I feel if we talk about it any more, he's going to feel terribly picked on, but I want to try and come to terms with what we do and don't have. I feel as if I still don't know what that is.

Hope that makes sense - and if anyone can tell me whether he is asexual or not, that would be great!

Cheers

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Spencer - it was great to read your post. I'm in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for almost two years and when we met, he was 48 and I 44, he seemed fine and wonderful and a little shy perhaps but I was of the feeling that once we had overcome the 'newness' of the relationship, he would be confident enough to make a move sexually. However, after about four months of dating and the odd hug, he finally kissed me but became embarassed and made a bit of a fuss. He then confessed that he was a virgin. He talked about some sexual daliance he had had and kisses, but never penetrative sex.

Although this was odd for me, I already thought he was wonderful in every other way so was willing to work on that side of things and he certainly talked the talk and seemed interested and excited at the idea of finally getting over that hurdle.

Certainly some of what you are saying here is very familiar to me. Being very sexual it just didn't cross my mind that someone could do anything other than get MORE into sex not less! -oh my how wrong could I be?

Everything else in the the person and relationship being great is also is familiar. Problem that I've faced that's crept up on me all of a sudden is I've decided sex and intimacy IS VERY important to me.

I'm really not interested in the exact labels of asexual and tagging things up like that. I recognise everything in my partner from descriptions in the site and forums, that's enough for me to know I've found an internet home to refuge in...

Update on me for this thread...

Some weeks on from the original post, I'm into another phase where I'm not in a panic any more, but still wondering what to do about it. Certainly my hormones are wanting me to seek out opportunities to have sex outside of marriage and try to preserve the rest of the relationship inside the marriage. However I'm very aware the emotions of a relationship with some sort of sex buddy could turn into a big mess for everyone involved.

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Spencer - it was great to read your post. I'm in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for almost two years and when we met, he was 48 and I 44, he seemed fine and wonderful and a little shy perhaps but I was of the feeling that once we had overcome the 'newness' of the relationship, he would be confident enough to make a move sexually. However, after about four months of dating and the odd hug, he finally kissed me but became embarassed and made a bit of a fuss. He then confessed that he was a virgin. He talked about some sexual daliance he had had and kisses, but never penetrative sex.

Although this was odd for me, I already thought he was wonderful in every other way so was willing to work on that side of things and he certainly talked the talk and seemed interested and excited at the idea of finally getting over that hurdle.

Certainly some of what you are saying here is very familiar to me. Being very sexual it just didn't cross my mind that someone could do anything other than get MORE into sex not less! -oh my how wrong could I be?

Everything else in the the person and relationship being great is also is familiar. Problem that I've faced that's crept up on me all of a sudden is I've decided sex and intimacy IS VERY important to me.

I'm really not interested in the exact labels of asexual and tagging things up like that. I recognise everything in my partner from descriptions in the site and forums, that's enough for me to know I've found an internet home to refuge in...

Update on me for this thread...

Some weeks on from the original post, I'm into another phase where I'm not in a panic any more, but still wondering what to do about it. Certainly my hormones are wanting me to seek out opportunities to have sex outside of marriage and try to preserve the rest of the relationship inside the marriage. However I'm very aware the emotions of a relationship with some sort of sex buddy could turn into a big mess for everyone involved.

I noticed that earlier in the thread, several references were made to the lack of cuddling and physical closeness, specifically, no inititation of this from the asexual partner. As an asexual, i often desired closeness and cuddling, but would refrain because I knew it usually led to sex. If I could have expressed my tenderness and felt safe from a sexual encounter, I would have initiated it often.

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Spencer - it was great to read your post. I'm in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for almost two years and when we met, he was 48 and I 44, he seemed fine and wonderful and a little shy perhaps but I was of the feeling that once we had overcome the 'newness' of the relationship, he would be confident enough to make a move sexually. However, after about four months of dating and the odd hug, he finally kissed me but became embarassed and made a bit of a fuss. He then confessed that he was a virgin. He talked about some sexual daliance he had had and kisses, but never penetrative sex.

Although this was odd for me, I already thought he was wonderful in every other way so was willing to work on that side of things and he certainly talked the talk and seemed interested and excited at the idea of finally getting over that hurdle.

Certainly some of what you are saying here is very familiar to me. Being very sexual it just didn't cross my mind that someone could do anything other than get MORE into sex not less! -oh my how wrong could I be?

Everything else in the the person and relationship being great is also is familiar. Problem that I've faced that's crept up on me all of a sudden is I've decided sex and intimacy IS VERY important to me.

I'm really not interested in the exact labels of asexual and tagging things up like that. I recognise everything in my partner from descriptions in the site and forums, that's enough for me to know I've found an internet home to refuge in...

Update on me for this thread...

Some weeks on from the original post, I'm into another phase where I'm not in a panic any more, but still wondering what to do about it. Certainly my hormones are wanting me to seek out opportunities to have sex outside of marriage and try to preserve the rest of the relationship inside the marriage. However I'm very aware the emotions of a relationship with some sort of sex buddy could turn into a big mess for everyone involved.

I noticed that earlier in the thread, several references were made to the lack of cuddling and physical closeness, specifically, no inititation of this from the asexual partner. As an asexual, i often desired closeness and cuddling, but would refrain because I knew it usually led to sex. If I could have expressed my tenderness and felt safe from a sexual encounter, I would have initiated it often.

The problem is that it CAN be the "in" to a more sexual encounter. I'd be lying if I pretended it wasn't. :( So I guess I can see your point, but find it difficult to see a way around it. It is what it is. hmmmm, but you have made me think.

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I definitely think talking about things and identifying wants/needs and trying to work towards compromise is infinitely more healthy than just stewing on your own.

Also, don't take DaisyChain's advice lightly. I'm positive that if I was pressured for sex every time my wife and I had cuddles or were romantically close that she would find me very withdrawn out of self-defense.

Hope that makes sense - and if anyone can tell me whether he is asexual or not, that would be great!

Cheers

I would suggest showing your husband the link to AVEN as a "huh, I found this interesting" type of thing. Only he can really identify as asexual as it has to do with sexual attraction.

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I definitely think talking about things and identifying wants/needs and trying to work towards compromise is infinitely more healthy than just stewing on your own.

Also, don't take DaisyChain's advice lightly. I'm positive that if I was pressured for sex every time my wife and I had cuddles or were romantically close that she would find me very withdrawn out of self-defense.

Yup. I have to be consciously aware to allow for a, like, 7-1 ratio of cuddling vs. sex initiation. Its in my nature for cuddling to become sex, but it freaks my partner out so its something I try very hard to keep in mind.

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Hi,

I'm forty year old male from NE England, sexual married for sixteen years to some one I think to be on some scale of asexual.

Reflecting on life over the new year period sent me flying into a brick wall, a realization that I don't want to live the rest of my life without sex. Its really screwed up my head for the last few weeks sent my emotions into a spin. :(

My wife has never initiated sex, never masturbated, and for the last ten years freaks out if things get to the point of penetration. Sex was never a big element of the relationship, but being her first I assumed she would get more comfortable over time, only to find exactly the opposite. Meanwhile I'm an unusually extremely cuddly, affectionate male with a very healthy sex drive.

I've been so understanding for so long and put up with the lack sex but now its really getting me down. Reading some of the other posts on this forum I so relate to the feelings of not signing up for this, and the effects of rejection etc.

We have a ten year old child which complicates things, and isn't marriage supposed to be for better or worse, but I do feel some how tricked (irrational perhaps?). Other parts of the relationship are 95 percent healthy, we get at the friendship level of the marriage very well and have not grown apart.

I am currently craving sex so much and find myself in a dark place over this issue. I'm generally a really happy cheerful person!

Sexual female buddies, divorce all have crossed my mind for the first time over these weeks...

Anyway that's why I've discovered this site and will be hanging out for a little while.

Spencer

Spencer, I just found this site and am in the same boat as you. My wife and I have been married 21 years and have four kids between 16-20 yrs old. I think she's asexual. I don't know if there is a physical issue like low hormonal level. Yeras ago she asked her md about it and the ohysicians assistant just told her its because she's "tired." I am going to show her this site when she returns from a business trip.

My wife was a virgin when we got married and our only discussion on the topic was me aggreeing that we would wait til marraige. The honeymoon began our long tearful struggle. After ten years I found out through her friend that she never liked or was interested in sex...my wife then confirmed it. We do have sex....but sex with an asexual is not very good sex....at all. There's no intimacy, romance or fun. She has problems with intimacy and communication. She likes cuddling and hand holding. She doesn't like kissing or caressing. She refuses oral sex on her. She can get stimulated but most of the time she doesn't. Our sex is like having sex with a prostitute. Another person compared it to having sex with a dead person.

I am now learning about asexual. She will be glad to know she's not alone. I just hope we will be able to communicate and come to a compromise of some sort where we both can be content. We love each other deeply and are committed to each other for the long haul.

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Hi,

I'm forty year old male from NE England, sexual married for sixteen years to some one I think to be on some scale of asexual.

Spencer, I just found this site and am in the same boat as you. My wife and I have been married 21 years and have four kids between 16-20 yrs old. I think she's asexual. I don't know if there is a physical issue like low hormonal level. Yeras ago she asked her md about it and the ohysicians assistant just told her its because she's "tired." I am going to show her this site when she returns from a business trip.

Thank you for taking the time to write all that, hearing the stories of others with similar issues is a help in itself. When i started this thread a few weeks ago, I'd not realised there were others like us tackling the same problems. I'm a bit further down the road of understanding, but it still feels terribly bleak as far as my sex life goes.

I find myself in a better frame of mind again just at the moment. -Still desperately horny but not letting it get me down as much as before! -yey! :D

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Spencer, I just found this site and am in the same boat as you. My wife and I have been married 21 years and have four kids between 16-20 yrs old. I think she's asexual. I don't know if there is a physical issue like low hormonal level. Yeras ago she asked her md about it and the ohysicians assistant just told her its because she's "tired." I am going to show her this site when she returns from a business trip.

My wife was a virgin when we got married and our only discussion on the topic was me aggreeing that we would wait til marraige. The honeymoon began our long tearful struggle. After ten years I found out through her friend that she never liked or was interested in sex...my wife then confirmed it. We do have sex....but sex with an asexual is not very good sex....at all. There's no intimacy, romance or fun. She has problems with intimacy and communication. She likes cuddling and hand holding. She doesn't like kissing or caressing. She refuses oral sex on her. She can get stimulated but most of the time she doesn't. Our sex is like having sex with a prostitute. Another person compared it to having sex with a dead person.

I am now learning about asexual. She will be glad to know she's not alone. I just hope we will be able to communicate and come to a compromise of some sort where we both can be content. We love each other deeply and are committed to each other for the long haul.

Aw, you sound really sweet. :wub:

I don't know if this will work out the same way it did for me, but my sex life improved slightly since discovering asexuality. Not in frequency, mind you... we have sex less often now than we used to. However, since she understands that I understand her, and that I'm not going to pressure her for sex, the times we do have it, it's been better. She's felt, I guess, a little more free and that's been somewhat evident in her more relaxed nature during sex now. Because I agree, having sex with someone who seems half disinterested and half scared/anxious is really awful.

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Spencer, I just found this site and am in the same boat as you. My wife and I have been married 21 years and have four kids between 16-20 yrs old. I think she's asexual. I don't know if there is a physical issue like low hormonal level. Yeras ago she asked her md about it and the ohysicians assistant just told her its because she's "tired." I am going to show her this site when she returns from a business trip.

My wife was a virgin when we got married and our only discussion on the topic was me aggreeing that we would wait til marraige. The honeymoon began our long tearful struggle. After ten years I found out through her friend that she never liked or was interested in sex...my wife then confirmed it. We do have sex....but sex with an asexual is not very good sex....at all. There's no intimacy, romance or fun. She has problems with intimacy and communication. She likes cuddling and hand holding. She doesn't like kissing or caressing. She refuses oral sex on her. She can get stimulated but most of the time she doesn't. Our sex is like having sex with a prostitute. Another person compared it to having sex with a dead person.

I am now learning about asexual. She will be glad to know she's not alone. I just hope we will be able to communicate and come to a compromise of some sort where we both can be content. We love each other deeply and are committed to each other for the long haul.

Aw, you sound really sweet. :wub:

I don't know if this will work out the same way it did for me, but my sex life improved slightly since discovering asexuality. Not in frequency, mind you... we have sex less often now than we used to. However, since she understands that I understand her, and that I'm not going to pressure her for sex, the times we do have it, it's been better. She's felt, I guess, a little more free and that's been somewhat evident in her more relaxed nature during sex now. Because I agree, having sex with someone who seems half disinterested and half scared/anxious is really awful.

Thank you for your input. Since I found this site last night I am already feeling some relief. After 21 years this is immense...and I'm not even 50 yet. I'm really hoping my wife will feel relief as well when I show her this site tomorrow. We really don't talk about our problem even though it is quite torcherous for us both. I'm hoping this will lead to both of us being open about it.

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Everything Skulls said is spot on. The cuddles are great without leading to sex after you realize that's why they wouldn't give them before. Our discovery didn't change that overnight...it took awhile. Everything slowly changes if you can have that first talk, not fight when you do, and then have several followup talks. That last bit is not my hubby's favorite..

We've been married 25 years, so I know how difficult it is...lots of hurt feelings on both sides. Good luck to everyone in this thread. :)

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I noticed that earlier in the thread, several references were made to the lack of cuddling and physical closeness, specifically, no inititation of this from the asexual partner. As an asexual, i often desired closeness and cuddling, but would refrain because I knew it usually led to sex. If I could have expressed my tenderness and felt safe from a sexual encounter, I would have initiated it often.

I totally agree with this. It's very important and conforting to know that cuddles won't lead to sex.

The tricky part might be to speak about it with your partner, who may feel accused.

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I noticed that earlier in the thread, several references were made to the lack of cuddling and physical closeness, specifically, no inititation of this from the asexual partner. As an asexual, i often desired closeness and cuddling, but would refrain because I knew it usually led to sex. If I could have expressed my tenderness and felt safe from a sexual encounter, I would have initiated it often.

I totally agree with this. It's very important and conforting to know that cuddles won't lead to sex.

The tricky part might be to speak about it with your partner, who may feel accused.

Percever,

I second and third these comments. I HATE being hit on the backside, even though dh means it playfully, and when I try to ignore it he sees my lack of response as an invitation to do more. When I am cooking or ironing, he'll start touching me in a way that I feel will turn to more than that - he says he has me trapped so I won't be able to easily run away.

Making sure your asexual feels okay with being touched is HUGELY important. In my own case, I have never liked being touched by anyone, and only put up with it from friends (with my child, that's a bit different). So being touched in a way that I know will end up sexual...well, I become terrified. He doesn't recognise it and it's my fault.

Please, *do* open up channels of communication. Even if at the end of the day you both feel you cannot remain together, you will have been fair and reasonable with each other.

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Hi Spencer. Welcome. I'm a sexual F, married, kids, and from NE England (small world). I empathise with your feelings of being 'tricked'. When I first met my husband he 'flirted' with me and used sexual banter. But when no sex was forthcoming I was secretly planning on ending the relationship. He must have sensed this as we then had sex (it was of poor quality but enough to encourage me to stay and give the relationship a go). Well, 6 years later I'm still here, but still craving the sexual relationship that has never materialised.

I've considered "friends with benefits" but when I spoke to H about this, he was angry at the prospect and forbid it. Selfish? I think so sometimes.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm stuck in the same confusion.

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Hi Spencer. Welcome. I'm a sexual F, married, kids, and from NE England (small world). I empathise with your feelings of being 'tricked'. When I first met my husband he 'flirted' with me and used sexual banter. But when no sex was forthcoming I was secretly planning on ending the relationship. He must have sensed this as we then had sex (it was of poor quality but enough to encourage me to stay and give the relationship a go). Well, 6 years later I'm still here, but still craving the sexual relationship that has never materialised.

Indeed a small world!

Thank you for your message. Although it does not directly offer solutions, stories like yours offer support which resolves some of the feelings of isolation caused by the situation. -In that I don't feel quite so alone knowing I'm not the only one struggling to get my head and hormones around the issue. :)

Had another rejection last night that has set me back again, my fault entirely I should have known better than to try.

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Hi Spencer. Welcome. I'm a sexual F, married, kids, and from NE England (small world). I empathise with your feelings of being 'tricked'. When I first met my husband he 'flirted' with me and used sexual banter. But when no sex was forthcoming I was secretly planning on ending the relationship. He must have sensed this as we then had sex (it was of poor quality but enough to encourage me to stay and give the relationship a go). Well, 6 years later I'm still here, but still craving the sexual relationship that has never materialised.

Indeed a small world!

Thank you for your message. Although it does not directly offer solutions, stories like yours offer support which resolves some of the feelings of isolation caused by the situation. -In that I don't feel quite so alone knowing I'm not the only one struggling to get my head and hormones around the issue. :)

Had another rejection last night that has set me back again, my fault entirely I should have known better than to try.

ahhh rejections. I get very nervous when initiating because 90% of the time I am rejected. I initiate a lot less now. It's almost as if I feel the rejection even before it comes, know what I mean?

I'm a Stay At Home Mum so seldom get to interact, let alone flirt, with men. Bad times.

Have you tried Relate? They have Newcastle and Durham offices. I've tried them for relationship counselling but not sex-related.

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It's almost as if I feel the rejection even before it comes, know what I mean?

Have you tried Relate?

Yes the rejection I can pin point almost to the second when its going to occur with all too familiar accuracy I'm correct. That is why I was annoyed at myself for falling into the trap again the other night but I get so needy, haha, I must take more heed of the advice in the posts above!

I'd never realised Relate do support for sexual issues, obviously thinking about it, sex is wrapped up in the ball of mess that causes many relationship break downs, in some form or other.

It would take a lot to get us to such a session. Myself because I don't have respect for counciling and my wife struggles at the best of time with anything different and certainly would close down in that environment. Just getting to a session would be an ordeal. I guess they have methods to deal with that.

I will let that idea settle in. Thanks for the pointers. I used to be a right flirt, it is fun, but you are right, even not being at home I don't get many chances working in a male dominated industry. Wow there is another thing I need to do, change career. :) Building quite a list now!

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Which industry is that?

Have you ever broached the topic of having a "friend with benefits" to your wife? How did she react? My husband seems to think that I absolutely cannot have sex with anyone else - but I can't have sex with him either! So effectively he's making me celibate. Is this common asexual behaviour?

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Which industry is that?

Have you ever broached the topic of having a "friend with benefits" to your wife? How did she react? My husband seems to think that I absolutely cannot have sex with anyone else - but I can't have sex with him either! So effectively he's making me celibate. Is this common asexual behaviour?

Although I've had the "you should divorce me and find someone who can do this" and "you should find go find someone else who doesn't mind" a few times recently, I know these statements are not honestly what she thinks. Its more her beating herself up over it all, just after I've been pushed away again.

Clearly communication is lacking for us, that conclusion is something that is an outcome of what I'm reading in the thread above. and I agree I think some protective barriers have gone up in over the years surrounding this whole subject in our lives.

She is very prudish in her views I've a feeling the reaction may well be the same as your husbands. I know cannot just assume that though.

Spencer.

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