Questions For Demisexuals

[badukplayer]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace? Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive? Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves? Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

[Guest]

Moved to The Gray Area.

Strivna

Asexual Q&A Moderator

[hannahkin_skywalker]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

-- I didn't really think about myself at all until last late winter. I honestly thought that the sexualities of those around me (and lack of my own) were just due to my taste not coinciding with others, or that I was picky, or my teenage hormones were just out of whack. Then at the beginning of 2011 one of my very good friends and neighbor looked at me and said, "Y'know, Hannah, I think you're asexual." I began researching, and realized that fit me. I had never experienced any form of primary sexual attraction. Then in late July I began dating my current boyfriend. I had only been emotionally attracted to men before, but after a month or two of my current 'ship it began to change. I began to develop a low-medium libido, and I am sometimes attracted to him. We had planned for our relationship to be celibate as he is, I suspect, some sort of grey-a or demi as he finds the way I operate to be normal, and we thought I was ace. I don't rule out the thought that I might be grey-a; the fact that my drive/attraction are not constant while only being applied to him kind of lumps me in both categories.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

--No, not at all. Isn't that the usual for demis, to have one?

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves?

--It comes and goes. I constantly find him good-looking and aesthetically attractive, and depending on the day I find him sexually attractive. It is closely tied with, but not parallel to, my libido.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

--Yeah. It increases a bit, but not exponentially.

[Marquis25]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace? - I started dating my current boyfriend and I noticed that I would sometimes get aroused. I'd always had a sex drive (though so low it's never been worth mentioning), but it had never been focused on anyone before.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive? - No, I was just a little embarrassed because I'd come out to all my important people as asexual a few months earlier.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves? - It honestly depends on the situation I'm in, although there is a slight variation in my drive that I think is due to my hormonal cycle.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person? - Oh definitely. My sex drive has doubled since I started dating my boyfriend. It's still low, but now it actually exists to the point where I feel like I have one.

[joekool88]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

- When I started feeling sexual attraction for my (now ex-)girlfriend.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

- It did make me feel as though I was contradicting myself and made me feel confused. But then again, after learning about what demisexual meant, I felt more comfortable and happy about who I am.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves? Is your sex drive affected when and how you think of that person?

- From what I have experienced so far, I can only experience sexual attraction if there is mutual romantic feelings. Hence even if I have close friends of the opposite sex, I can't feel sexual attraction for them. I have to say that my sex drive is affected by mutual romantic feelings I have. Due to the need for mutual romantic feelings as a specific condition, any crushes I have for members of the opposite sex normally go away in less than a week.

[Alison Gross]

I decided I was demisexual because I have a sex drive, I have no problem with sex (I actual crave it sometimes) but I DO have a major problem with physical attraction. I don't experience it, never have, and the prospect of experiencing it or having someone else experience it regarding me makes me feel positively ill. Now, this doesn't mean I'm not aware of what people look like. Someones looks will turn me on, provided that I'm already attracted to them for other reasons, otherwise, they're mostly blank to me. So, as I understood it, demisexulas can experience secondary sexual attraction and may possess a fully functioning sex drive but don't experience primary sexual attraction, which sounds just like me. Having a sex drive doesn't bother me because of the primary versus secondary charactaristics I described above. I think I'm more or less sexual in all ways except I lack the ability to feel primary sexual attraction. My feelings for my partner come and go, depending on how close we feel. The last few years, we'd been through some rough patches in our relationship and both of our libidos went way down. We've been going to therapy for a while and, as we've gradually been reconnecting and feeling close in other ways, the sexual feelings are finally starting to return. I think a wave is a good way to describe it. Sometimes we just can't keep our hands off each other and, at others, one or both of us is just plain not interested. Once we establish a bond, I feel attracted pretty continuously until something disrupts the bond, then it just goes away until we do some serious re-bonding again.

[canurel8?]

I have been with my husband since high school and am now in my late forties. I was completely unaware that demisexuality existed until I came across it searching for answers about myself. When we had problems in our marriage several years ago (based on him hiding porn and using it obsessively), I was baffled about why my sexual attraction to him disappeared completely even after he stopped and we worked it out. I've never found anyone "hot" (which my friends always thought was odd), and my "boyfriends" in early high school were more like crushes than sexual attraction. Now I see my sexual attraction was always situational and could be interrupted easily. So, I'm glad to realize what's going on, although we still need to deal with the demisexual/sexual thing.

[Apgrude]

At first I thought I was just plain asexual, until I started to do more research and deduced that I was more grey-A instead. Fast forward about six or seven months, and I'm slowly starting to feel sexual attraction to my girlfriend after we had become really close. Demisexuality is hard to understand unless you've experienced that shift in attraction to somebody.

[canurel8?]

I agree it can be difficult to understand and/or describe. I always assumed I was a heterosexual female, simply because I met my husband so young. It didn't seem weird not to have been sexually attracted to anyone before age 16 (when we had become really close). Plus, I thought having a romantic crush and sexual attraction were the same thing. It was only having my sexual attraction/desire interrupted that got me investigating. Identifying as a demisexual required me thinking about the circumstances for my sexual attractions (or lack thereof) over a period of years.

Mari

[Li-]

I'm still very new to this (only discovering the term tonight).

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace? - I'm sitting with demi right now although even that doesn't wholly explain how I am but what box will ever really explain anyone. I don't think I'm ace because I still follow through with activities but I'm not that fussed on sex. I only seem to do anything with people I've known a long time. Grey-A is... a very open bracket and I'm not sure if I should be sitting in there or not. It's all a bit murky really.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive? - Not really, I had been labelling myself as ace for a while but I knew that wasn't right so it's not something that bothers me at all.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves? - I'm currently single but with previous SOs it was waves. Partially not helped by medication (or at least I blamed that) but I don't think I've ever been constantly sexually attracted to anyone.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person? - At the time possibly but it mostly depended on other things rather than just thoughts. Sex drive seems to be a fickle thing.

[Midnight Lady]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

- because I remember feeling sexual attraction with one of my exes I actually loved, and I felt it at the beginning of my long-term relations with my first sex-partner.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

- agreed with those who said that demis are actually supposed to have a sex drive. But only with their SO.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves?

- It is very fragile and was gone constantly after I lost my trust in my last SO.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

- Yes, it is.

[Awkward Turtle]

How did you decide you were demi and not completely ace or even gray ace?

My journey didn't start at the "asexual" label and work its way into the sexual spectrum the way it seems to for some. For me, I always just assumed that I was sexual but because I hadn't dated very much there wasn't much reason to think about it until I was in a relationship (though looking back, the fact that I didn't think about sex much before being in a relationship is telling). But I've come to recognize over the last few years, and the past two relationships, that the way I experience attraction, desire and sex is different from the way my partners do. The word "demisexual" fits for me because I realized that I didn't feel attracted to people until I knew them and liked them pretty well, and that I didn't then want to sleep with them until we were emotionally involved to boot.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

It was certainly hard to look to the asexual community at first for an explanation of this, because I did have a sex drive, do enjoy sex, etc. and that didn't gel with my understandings of asexuality. But as soon as I found the term demisexual, it fit.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves?

Oh, it's definitely not constant, which is a source of frustration for me and my current girlfriend (who's sexual). I mean, I always think that she is gorgeous (i.e. aesthetically attractive), and am almost always interested in cuddling or exchanging kisses, but not always into the sex stuff. Sometimes the attraction and desire can be really strong and then disappear even while we're...in the throes, sometimes totally without warning.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

I don't really experience sex drive except when in a relationship, and as an earlier poster said, I think that has to do with experiencing mutual romantic attraction. And maybe this is going to get a little TMI(?), but one of the major things that does it for me is that she's into it and experiencing pleasure. Like, sometimes she'll do things that I usually enjoy with her, but if she's not getting off on it too then it doesn't really do anything for me. It's helped us a lot to be able to recognize patterns like that so that we just don't set ourselves up for disappointment in that way. And, yeah, if we're not in a good place in our relationship (not communicating, or there's tension of some kind), then virtually all of my sexual attraction disappears. No Hollywood angry sex about to happen with us ;)

[StarsGoBlue]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

--I only recently realized I was demi. I had thought about it before, and even thought I might be asexual before. I went through a several year period after ending my first relationship where I had no desire for sex at all. But now it's sometimes there and sometime's not. And there are some people I find incredibly attractive that I don't desire sex with. I was very confused and couldn't understand what that meant. Then it was just a few weeks ago I was with a group of people and a remark was made about meeting someone new and how quickly this person felt that they wanted to have sex with the other person. The rest of the group seemed to agree, and I couldn't understand. Did people really feel instant sexual attraction? I don't think that had ever happened in my life. I did more research on being demi...and the more I thought about it the more it felt right. It also explains why I haven't really enjoyed the sex I've had...no real emotional connection.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

--No...because my sex drive fluctates a lot.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves?

--It comes and goes.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

--Occasionally.

[Sussexdowns]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

- It took me a bit to realize my demisexuality. It did not really occur to me till a few months ago. I realized I was demisexual when I looked at my past relationships as well as my lack of sexual attraction without a significant connection. My sex drive does exist, but it is quite low (sometimes, non-existent). Since I do experience sexual attraction in certain cases, demi made quite a lot of sense.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

- No. I do have moments where I wonder if I am actually demi or sexual, but I suppose that is normal when one is beginning to accept themselves.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves?

- With my old girlfriend (I am currently in a platonic relationship of sorts) It would really depend on the day. There were some days where I found her sexually attractive, and sometimes simply aesthetically attractive. But constantly, no. It wavered.

Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

- It was, yes.

[Alan Degas]

I find it quite interesting how so many people are saying that their sexual attraction comes and goes. I think of sexual attraction as more of a constant thing... kinda like love, you know.

I feel confident in saying that I am always sexually attracted to my partner and that I will always find him sexually attractive as long as I love him. I certain I will still want to bone him when he's 85 and all wrinkly and bald and speckled with liver spots, haha! :lol:

It's true that I do not always feel sexual desire towards him though. Like if we have an argument about something for example. I might be too busy feeling angry, sad or disappointed to register at that specific moment that he is a sexy. But it's still there, you know. It's kinda like it's just a fact of life.

Someone (I think Oliver?) said that sexual attraction is like a smell and that's very true. If I had a rose bush in my garden, it's just a fact that I think it smells nice. But if I am having a bad day, or just not having my mind focused on the roses, then I am not really registering the smell but it's still there at all times.

It's pretty much the same thing with love. There are moments where I feel intense emotional love towards my partner (like say if he brings me flowers or says something really nice) but there are also moments where we are just going through life, having dinner, watching tv, talking about money, work and other mundane things and there aren't any mushy feelings of love going through my brain. But I do love him at all times, no matter how mushy or non-mushy my emotions might be

Anyway, I'm not saying anyone's definitions of sexual attraction, or their experiences of it, are wrong or whatever. I just found it interesting how it seems to differ between people. :)

[MiniLo]

How did you decide you were demi and not completey ace or even gray ace?

Ace just didn't fit because I've felt tinglies before, and I enjoy them for the most part when I do. But sexual never felt right either. I decided it was good when I came upon the term.

Was it harder for you to decide to label yourself demi if you have a sex drive?

Not really. Once upon a time I had a sex drive but probably behaved in a much more ace-like manner. Over the years it morphed into something... else. Hard to describe, but demi/gray is good enough.

Are you constantly sexually attracted to your SO or who ever you have that bond with or does it come and go in waves? Is your sex drive effected when and how you think of that person?

I'm always romantically, kink-ly, and aesthetically attracted to him, but I might only be sexually attracted to him when I'm in his physical presence or talking about sex stuff on the phone. When it's just me out in the world by myself (aka all the time because we're LDR), I don't think about sex with him like, at all.