viktoria Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 Hi there! This is my first post in this forum even though I have been looking for some while now :-) I'm a 32 year old sexual female in a relationship with a 8 year older asexual guy. We have been together for more than 7 years and during the last 5 years we have not had sex, been intimate or anything the like.... He has never shown much interest in sex but I guess he did it to keep me happy. Luckily I didn't have much sex drive either - I have been on heavy medicin because of a depression and it drained me completely for sexual drive. However, I recently had to switch medicine because my situation worsened and my old medicin no longer did it for me. With the new medicine my sexual appetite is back but of course it's still the same with my boyfriend :-( When we first stopped having sex I felt unwanted and not attractive. I didn't feel like having sex that much but I really missed the intimacy with my boyfriend. I learned to accept the situation because we have so much fun together and no doubt we love eachother - of course I first doubted if he was gay or maybe cheating on me because his lack of sex drive was nothing I ever had experienced with a guy before! Now I am totally convinced that he just doesn't enjoy sex like most other men... My boyfriend never admitted to be asexual - it's a very delicate subject for him and I don't want to make him uncomfortable by talking about it... But what am I supposed to do? I feel I have been letting him believe our relationship was fine during all these years and now - out of the blue - I am not happy at all :'( I want to be touched, caressed and feel him inside me so badly... It's notfair to him because I know he is happy just like it is... But I'm no longer happy... After all these years in darkness I just want to feel alive again... *sigh* any good ideas on how to solve my little problem? Anyways - it's great to have found this forum just to know thatI'm not alone... ;-) thanks! /Viktoria Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 Hi and Welcome to AVEN! I hope you enjoy your time here. ^_^ First things first, this may be a site for asexuals, but we like to welcome everyone here. This seems more like a Welcome Lounge post, but having read it, I think it can stay here in SPFA. :P As for your situation, I don't know what to suggest, have you talked to him about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Pandante Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Your situation is tricky because circumstances changed rather quickly after a relatively long phase of equilibrium. But you seem to be a very considerate, caring person, wishing to be careful not to hurt your partner. As with all cases of mismatching libidos, especially in asexual-sexual relationships, the only way to possibly improve the situation is by discussing the issue with your partner. The key, especially, in your case is how to initiate the discussion and approach the problem, because your partner is quite sensitive to the whole topic. You must approach very softly..., always covering ground first that you know you both acknowledge (e.g. the situation before the medicine change, and also why it worked) before venturing into the discussion of the problem itself. If your partner is hesitant to communicate you must first convince them of the necessity to communicate, the principal reasons being of course that you feel this issue will dramatically worsen with time unless addressed now. Sometimes it's easier to start out in writing. My asexual girlfriend is a very difficult person to communicate with because she immediately becomes irritated or starts crying. So I have often resolved to presenting my thoughts on paper (or email), which has also helped me sort them in advance. As for solutions that may work for you, see if your partner might not engage in at least some sexual/sensual activity. If he loves and cares for you, the least he will/should do is to engage in physical intimacy that is within his limits. An idea making its rounds on AVEN with positive resonance is "assisted masturbation" where you masturbate in the presence of your partner who provides additional sensual input. Another issue is how, when, and who, initiates the physical intimacy. A recent thread suggested that the asexual partner maintain a calendar of dates to initiate, in order to keep the frequency roughly constant. Agreeing what constitutes an initialization is also useful. As suggested by SkulleryMaid in a different thread, one might have two stages of initialization wherein the asexual partner signals in some manner that it is ok to become physically intimate tonight, and the sexual then chooses whether to initiate the intimacy. I'm sure you've seen there are more tips in other threads, although really practical advice in asexual-sexual relationships are sparse, because relationships and the individuals in them are all unique. Link to post Share on other sites
NorthernRose Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 Verbalize.. verbalize and verbalize. Any relationship, old or new, is a work in progress. Communication lines must remain open. Always. Hi there! This is my first post in this forum even though I have been looking for some while now :-) I'm a 32 year old sexual female in a relationship with a 8 year older asexual guy. We have been together for more than 7 years and during the last 5 years we have not had sex, been intimate or anything the like.... He has never shown much interest in sex but I guess he did it to keep me happy. Luckily I didn't have much sex drive either - I have been on heavy medicin because of a depression and it drained me completely for sexual drive. However, I recently had to switch medicine because my situation worsened and my old medicin no longer did it for me. With the new medicine my sexual appetite is back but of course it's still the same with my boyfriend :-( When we first stopped having sex I felt unwanted and not attractive. I didn't feel like having sex that much but I really missed the intimacy with my boyfriend. I learned to accept the situation because we have so much fun together and no doubt we love eachother - of course I first doubted if he was gay or maybe cheating on me because his lack of sex drive was nothing I ever had experienced with a guy before! Now I am totally convinced that he just doesn't enjoy sex like most other men... My boyfriend never admitted to be asexual - it's a very delicate subject for him and I don't want to make him uncomfortable by talking about it... But what am I supposed to do? I feel I have been letting him believe our relationship was fine during all these years and now - out of the blue - I am not happy at all :'( I want to be touched, caressed and feel him inside me so badly... It's notfair to him because I know he is happy just like it is... But I'm no longer happy... After all these years in darkness I just want to feel alive again... *sigh* any good ideas on how to solve my little problem? Anyways - it's great to have found this forum just to know thatI'm not alone... ;-) thanks! /Viktoria Link to post Share on other sites
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