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Am I demisexual, grey, or just a naturally "cautious" kind of sexual?


Kitty Spoon Train

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Kitty Spoon Train

I'm a 33 year old single male. All my life I've thought of myself as basically a standard heterosexual, but never really seemed to have a typical heterosexual male attitude to (and typical raw and anonymous drive for) sex. After some stuff that's happened in my life in recent years, and then coming across the term "demisexual", I'm starting to think that there is a deeper orientation aspect to this.

It's like this: it's not that I can't see physical attraction (even sexualised to an extent) in women at all, it's more that I have trouble thinking of real-life sex as a "thing in itself", as a phenomenon and act separate from getting to know a person as a whole. I say "real-life", because on a pure fantasy level (and to some extent pornography) I can certainly see sexual attraction and get turned on, but when it comes to actually connecting with real women in real life, suddenly things take on a more complicated dynamic - where it feels somehow wrong to treat sex as a separate thing in itself. I get freaked out when faced with the prospect of a ONS or a casual fling for example, and on a very deep, seemingly visceral level need to form a very deep emotional and romantic connection to proceed. And when I say very deep, I mean VERY DEEP - there's no particular timeframe I can give here - but generally at least several months of getting-to-know-you time, and a deep "romantic friendship" kind of level of intimacy first. Effectively I have to be "in love" and have very deep trust first. Sex for the sake of sex early on when "just dating" is definitely something I have no attraction to, and can't turn on for.

This hasn't caused any real problems per se, it just means that I've been fairly reserved and slow in developing the sexual side of my relationships in the past (and happened to always be involved with relatively sexually reserved women in the past - which masked the whole issue), but as I get older the more it strikes me how odd this actually seems to be. It feels like "normal" heterosexual males should be up for sex almost as soon as they meet and get together with any woman they find attractive enough to go out with, and then possibly build a relationship on top of that later. I'm essentially the opposite - my initial sexual attraction to random real life female bodies is very low to non-existent, the thought of jumping straight into sex with a woman I don't know well is totally alien to me, and the only real way I develop concrete sexual attraction to a woman is by getting to know her - where it eventually comes naturally as an aspect of emotional/romantic attraction and intimacy.

So where does this sound like it fits in? Since I've seen myself as just a naturally reserved sexual all my life until now, I keep thinking that maybe that's all I really am. But on the other hand, I do seem to have some extremely strong demi tendencies (eg. Essentially unable find enough attraction to turn on to casual sex with a random new woman I meet, which seems like it should come easy to "normal" heterosexual males).

(NB: I do not have any religious background or anything like that which would make me repressed and/or conservative about sexual issues. In theory I should be totally open to anything that's safe. So I'm pretty sure this is entirely about completely internal personal tendencies/orientation.)

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin

Hello!! Welcome to Aven. I'm somehow like you, but the thing it's that I dont think much about this, I'm the way I am, and I dont want anybody to label myself if I dont ask for it, period LOL.

Have fun around! :) You want some cake?

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Can be either. Sometimes a lable we can grasp can help us feel comfortable as who we are as long as we arent strict on ourselves to follow a lable we feel may fit. We all are unique so we should allow ourselves to be so.

I identify as demisexual and have a lot of similaritys with my own drive as with what you posted. I really have gone through phases thinking its this or its that, well any excuse really. Usually it comes down to stress, an comfort level, and finding the right catalist that works for you an your sex drive to function.

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LiteralNovice

It's not up to anyone but you to label, but here's my advice. Don't think of the labels as concrete boxes, just go for one that describes you and if it doesn't seem right for you, you can find a different label. Your labels may change but your sexuality doesn't, so don't think you have to stick to the description of that label to a T. Sexuality is not concrete, and there are many varying degrees of sexuality in one label. A demisexual could be somewhat gray at times, but be primarily demi as their sexuality usually stems from romantic attraction. And a graysexual can be mildly to often but not always sexual, it's not smack-bang in between.

I hope I haven't been too confusing. Here's a cake. :cake:

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  • 1 month later...

Isn't any man around here with the same inclinations as Guzica, but in my age group - I am 62? Where are such men hidden?

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin

Isn't any man around here with the same inclinations as Guzica, but in my age group - I am 62? Where are such men hidden?

Welcome!

Asexy males aren't that much easy to find, but in this thread they are somehow listed, tho, not all of them are romantic and some are gay, other orientation or just not into looking for a relationship and so on...

There is also a forum for Gray A and demi people.

For older ones too

and last but not less, you may like to join an asexy dating site if you are looking for a relationship or similar, there is: Ace-book.net and also Asexualitic.com :)

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Guzia,

I consider myself 'demi-romantic asexual' because I am asexual, but have this notion of the perfect soulmate somewhere out there who is my perfect romantic match. I could also possibly categorise myself as 'grey', however, as the definition for that sort of fits. But mostly I think of myself as 'demi' It just....fits me, I think.

As suggested above, feel free to label yourself of to not to. Some of us need a label, some of us don't.

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Isn't any man around here with the same inclinations as Guzica, but in my age group - I am 62? Where are such men hidden?

Welcome!

Asexy males aren't that much easy to find, but in this thread they are somehow listed, tho, not all of them are romantic and some are gay, other orientation or just not into looking for a relationship and so on...

There is also a forum for Gray A and demi people.

For older ones too

and last but not less, you may like to join an asexy dating site if you are looking for a relationship or similar, there is: Ace-book.net and also Asexualitic.com :)

But that is the problem: I am NOT Asexual, I am demisexual, physical intimacy is for me a part of a relationship. So I am not looking for an asexual partner, but for someone demisexual as I am. I liked the description of Guzica, who is also certainly not completely asexual.

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Kitty Spoon Train

But that is the problem: I am NOT Asexual, I am demisexual, physical intimacy is for me a part of a relationship. So I am not looking for an asexual partner, but for someone demisexual as I am. I liked the description of Guzica, who is also certainly not completely asexual.

I think one of the problems with being demisexual (and grey) is that a lot of people who think of themselves as sexuals might actually be somewhere on this spectrum without really knowing it. That was certainly the case with me for a long time. From the point of view of looking for a like-minded partner, you have to be careful not to write people off simply because they don't know the terminology, or people who simply go through the motions of usual dating processes because that's how it's done in their society. I think a lot more people are somewhere on this spectrum (or at least close enough to be friendly to and compatible with people on the spectrum) than is publicly visible.

If I had come across AVEN 10 years ago, the description of greyness and demisexuality that people describe here wouldn't have even really resonated with me. Was my underlying sexuality actually different back then? Not really. But the naivety of youth, social/peer pressure, and generally being convinced that I'm just a "naturally cautious sexual and nothing more", would have completely overwhelmed any ideas that I might actually be something else underneath.

To some extent, I think timing, growth, and maturity are important. I suppose it's similar to how a more obvious orientation - such as homosexuality - can be repressed and latent for a long time, and people only really realise what they are in their late teens, 20s, or even later. Social pressures can bend our minds and attitudes much more thoroughly than we like to admit. If it can happen with such an obvious and solid orientation such as homosexuality, just think how subtle things can get with being grey/demisexual - orientations which for the most part look just like being a "normal", if somewhat cautious and reserved, sexual person.

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin

Isn't any man around here with the same inclinations as Guzica, but in my age group - I am 62? Where are such men hidden?

Welcome!

Asexy males aren't that much easy to find, but in this thread they are somehow listed, tho, not all of them are romantic and some are gay, other orientation or just not into looking for a relationship and so on...

There is also a forum for Gray A and demi people.

For older ones too

and last but not less, you may like to join an asexy dating site if you are looking for a relationship or similar, there is: Ace-book.net and also Asexualitic.com :)

But that is the problem: I am NOT Asexual, I am demisexual, physical intimacy is for me a part of a relationship. So I am not looking for an asexual partner, but for someone demisexual as I am. I liked the description of Guzica, who is also certainly not completely asexual.

There are grays on Acebook, that I know hehe ;)

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I have a friend who kinda fits in with what this guy says. She is an NT tho and she says that she kinda fits in with this but, she also doesnt want to feel like a loser for labeling herself and says that she wants a professional to tell her. she says how do these ppl know what I am? She doesnt really know what she thinks. She doesn’t see it quite the same way that people on here sees it. How do I explain this to her in a way that she doesn’t feel like a loser or “how do these ppl know what I am?!”

I think one of the problems with being demisexual (and grey) is that a lot of people who think of themselves as sexuals might actually be somewhere on this spectrum without really knowing it. That was certainly the case with me for a long time. From the point of view of looking for a like-minded partner, you have to be careful not to write people off simply because they don't know the terminology, or people who simply go through the motions of usual dating processes because that's how it's done in their society. I think a lot more people are somewhere on this spectrum (or at least close enough to be friendly to and compatible with people on the spectrum) than is publicly visible.

If I had come across AVEN 10 years ago, the description of greyness and demisexuality that people describe here wouldn't have even really resonated with me. Was my underlying sexuality actually different back then? Not really. But the naivety of youth, social/peer pressure, and generally being convinced that I'm just a "naturally cautious sexual and nothing more", would have completely overwhelmed any ideas that I might actually be something else underneath.

To some extent, I think timing, growth, and maturity are important. I suppose it's similar to how a more obvious orientation - such as homosexuality - can be repressed and latent for a long time, and people only really realise what they are in their late teens, 20s, or even later. Social pressures can bend our minds and attitudes much more thoroughly than we like to admit. If it can happen with such an obvious and solid orientation such as homosexuality, just think how subtle things can get with being grey/demisexual - orientations which for the most part look just like being a "normal", if somewhat cautious and reserved, sexual person.

see, this is something, my friend thinks she doesnt need labling and questions the labling, but I think that she needs time to get to know that she is different. But thats not a bad thing. She would like a professional to tell her what or what not. she thinks that its stupid and I get a feeling she thinks this is kinda stupid.

But,

It's not up to anyone but you to label, but here's my advice. Don't think of the labels as concrete boxes, just go for one that describes you and if it doesn't seem right for you, you can find a different label. Your labels may change but your sexuality doesn't, so don't think you have to stick to the description of that label to a T. Sexuality is not concrete, and there are many varying degrees of sexuality in one label. A demisexual could be somewhat gray at times, but be primarily demi as their sexuality usually stems from romantic attraction. And a graysexual can be mildly to often but not always sexual, it's not smack-bang in between.
so idk what to tell her.
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Kitty Spoon Train

I have a friend who kinda fits in with what this guy says. She is an NT tho and she says that she kinda fits in with this but, she also doesnt want to feel like a loser for labeling herself and says that she wants a professional to tell her. she says how do these ppl know what I am? She doesnt really know what she thinks. She doesn’t see it quite the same way that people on here sees it. How do I explain this to her in a way that she doesn’t feel like a loser or “how do these ppl know what I am?!”

I'm an INTP, and I can sort of relate to this too. If someone had tried to label me 5 years ago (as being something other than just a naturally reserved and cautious heterosexual), I would have resisted in the same way as well. It's really only now that I've started asking myself these questions that I'm willing to accept any kind of labelling. :)

But honestly, even now I haven't really publicly "come out" IRL as being demisexual. I've only discussed all this with one close RL friend. It's not so much about feeling like a loser for it, it's more that I think of my "demisexuality" as a natural variation of a fluid spectrum. I basically think of sexuality as a fluid spectrum rather than fixed and final categories (although different individuals can naturally have more or less wiggle room than others). So to some extent the labels are more like a categorization convenience to explain what I'm like, than some kind of expression of absolute innate identity.

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Notte stellata

But that is the problem: I am NOT Asexual, I am demisexual, physical intimacy is for me a part of a relationship. So I am not looking for an asexual partner, but for someone demisexual as I am. I liked the description of Guzica, who is also certainly not completely asexual.

I think one of the problems with being demisexual (and grey) is that a lot of people who think of themselves as sexuals might actually be somewhere on this spectrum without really knowing it. That was certainly the case with me for a long time. From the point of view of looking for a like-minded partner, you have to be careful not to write people off simply because they don't know the terminology, or people who simply go through the motions of usual dating processes because that's how it's done in their society. I think a lot more people are somewhere on this spectrum (or at least close enough to be friendly to and compatible with people on the spectrum) than is publicly visible.

This is totally true. First, the term demisexual isn't as well-known as asexual (which isn't very well-known either), so many demisexual people wouldn't use this label; second, demisexual people may not realize they're different from sexual people (especially sexual people who also value emotional connection a lot), since they have no problem having sex with a partner. For me personally, if it wasn't that I found AVEN accidentally, it wouldn't occur to me that I was 'not fully sexual'. I always thought I was just a sexual person with low libido. I believe there are many more demisexual people out there, they just aren't using this label to describe themselves.

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I get freaked out when faced with the prospect of a ONS or a casual fling for example, and on a very deep, seemingly visceral level need to form a very deep emotional and romantic connection to proceed. And when I say very deep, I mean VERY DEEP - there's no particular timeframe I can give here - but generally at least several months of getting-to-know-you time, and a deep "romantic friendship" kind of level of intimacy first. Effectively I have to be "in love" and have very deep trust first. Sex for the sake of sex early on when "just dating" is definitely something I have no attraction to, and can't turn on for.

Me too.

This hasn't caused any real problems per se, it just means that I've been fairly reserved and slow in developing the sexual side of my relationships in the past (and happened to always be involved with relatively sexually reserved women in the past - which masked the whole issue), but as I get older the more it strikes me how odd this actually seems to be. It feels like "normal" heterosexual males should be up for sex almost as soon as they meet and get together with any woman they find attractive enough to go out with, and then possibly build a relationship on top of that later. I'm essentially the opposite - my initial sexual attraction to random real life female bodies is very low to non-existent, the thought of jumping straight into sex with a woman I don't know well is totally alien to me, and the only real way I develop concrete sexual attraction to a woman is by getting to know her - where it eventually comes naturally as an aspect of emotional/romantic attraction and intimacy.

So where does this sound like it fits in? Since I've seen myself as just a naturally reserved sexual all my life until now, I keep thinking that maybe that's all I really am. But on the other hand, I do seem to have some extremely strong demi tendencies (eg. Essentially unable find enough attraction to turn on to casual sex with a random new woman I meet, which seems like it should come easy to "normal" heterosexual males).

I used to think that I was a repressed hyposexual until I realised I was trying to make my romantic attraction into false sexual attraction. Mainly because I felt freakish for never thinking 'sex at some distant point in the future' and not even the basic 'He's hot.' with the few men I've been romantically attracted to.

If anything I would suggest grey A but more likely demisexual as ideas.

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