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Have any of you ever realized that you were closet homosexuals?


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So, I've been somewhat asexual for a while now. As my friends have all gone through puberty and experienced raging hormones, I haven't really felt anything. I haven't been attracted much to either sex and rarely felt any sexual urges. Granted, I'm 17 and there's still time, but I don't think this is going anywhere.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if any of you thought you were asexual, but then found out later that you were in denial. I've always been paranoid of being a lesbian. I've never been the most feminine and my friends used to joke about me being a lesbian with this other girl with a questionable sexual orientation. In fact, I was so paranoid that I went to a different school as her to get away.

Is it possible that I am just repressing the thoughts of my actual sexuality? Perhaps I've been so paranoid about becoming a lesbian that I've repressed my sexual thoughts. I'm not sure if this is possible, but it gets me wondering at times. Have any of you experienced something like this?

Oh and, I'm sorry if I come off as homophobic. I have nothing against homosexuals. A few of my good friends are homosexual and my older brother is as well. I just simply don't want to be one myself. :/

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Ahh...thanks for your story. Perhaps my sexuality really is just repressed.

I'm trying to accept myself for who I am, but I don't quite know who that is yet.

Anyway, I'm very happy things worked out for you. Stay strong and thanks for the :cake:

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Kids are stupid and constantly referring to each other as gay and whatnot whenever they exhibit the slightest behavior that isn't the "heterosexual" norm. I underwent the same sort of thing, mostly in high school. I'd try to ignore it.

I definitely wasn't homo, and still laugh to myself whenever anyone suggests it, even if they seriously mean it. Guys around HS time mostly disgusted and pissed me off way too badly for something like that to happen, even theoretically.

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Actually, the funny thing is that the sexuality jokes about me never happened in high school. It was only in middle school and with my actual friends. I was never insulted by anyone or anything. It was all just the kind of poking fun that you don't realize is offending the other person.

Thing is, I never dressed very feminine and so I became paranoid.

Again, I dunno what I am...who knows if this even played a role or not.

I may simply be an asexual.

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Yeah. I was in the closet about being bisexual. It used to scare me when I wouldn't be able to deny it at times. The denial phase lasted for probably a good year or so before I admitted it to myself

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Repression's a somewhat outmoded psychological construct. Your feeling about sex and your orientation might change with time (as they did with Birdwing), but I don't think it's possible to "repress" or be in denial about what you feel. You might call it this or that or the other thing, but you still feel it. I've known plenty of people who've grown up in very religious cultures where they're not supposed tos even think about sex, and they still think about it and feel sexual, although they might not act it out.

I've always heard closet homosexuals are people who know what they feel but haven't come out about it, not people who didn't realize what they felt (and about whom they felt it).

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Welll... I can't really say I'm a homosexual (I still don't feel sexual attraction), but I'm starting to realize I might be homoromantic (I started out thinking I was aromantic). Good luck figuring stuff out! Just remember that labels aren't everything, just do what feels right to you.

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So, I've been somewhat asexual for a while now. As my friends have all gone through puberty and experienced raging hormones, I haven't really felt anything. I haven't been attracted much to either sex and rarely felt any sexual urges. Granted, I'm 17 and there's still time, but I don't think this is going anywhere.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if any of you thought you were asexual, but then found out later that you were in denial. I've always been paranoid of being a lesbian. I've never been the most feminine and my friends used to joke about me being a lesbian with this other girl with a questionable sexual orientation. In fact, I was so paranoid that I went to a different school as her to get away.

Is it possible that I am just repressing the thoughts of my actual sexuality? Perhaps I've been so paranoid about becoming a lesbian that I've repressed my sexual thoughts. I'm not sure if this is possible, but it gets me wondering at times. Have any of you experienced something like this?

Oh and, I'm sorry if I come off as homophobic. I have nothing against homosexuals. A few of my good friends are homosexual and my older brother is as well. I just simply don't want to be one myself. :/

Wow, I can relate.

I used to ID as a heteroromantic asexual. I then moved to biromantic, and then for a short time, lesbian asexual. Now I ID as a lesbian.

I used to be so scared of being a lesbian, I was ok with others being gay, but homophobic to myself. I repressed a lot. Repressed and denied.

You can certainly be asexual though, don't let the few cases like myself and birdwing scare you. Only you can know.

If you want to talk about it though, I am here to listen if you want to PM me.

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In a way I may have thought the same at one point but when I was in a relationship with a girl, I did not feel any attraction but did feel disgusted after being together. I did not have any sexual desires but I did what I had to do to please my partner but I am still a bit disgusted by sex.

I don't see how someone can have denial to thier emotions (gay) without conflict with ones self.... But it happens. :)

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Janus the Fox

An interesting question, my past has been a bit different to say the least.

Puberty for me, came very late at 17 years of age, whether this was due to weight and other physical problems I may never know, but this was just biological changes and nothing really clicked on in my mind until recently. Since I missed that timeframe, everyone else already estabilished relationships and some had already wrecked their lives because of it.

For the past 8 years, the thought of sex never came close to entering my mind, and I automatically assumed that I was stright, despite no interest or urges, Im 24 now and I am beginning to realise there may be a sexual inside of me after all.

When growing up, being gay or bi was frowned upon. Homophobic violence was rife and the only gay bar in the area was closed due to the frequency of violence. I must admit I too was a little homophobic because everyone else was.

Since finding AVEN for answers, i've kept an open mind to all possibilities and observed my own self. Observed the nature of my own fetishes and discovered that I have more interest in homosexual fetishes, and found out that I am a little bit of a feminate too! The suprise is that there is also an hetrosexual fetishes and a desire for that also! Theres a 40:60 lean towards homosexuality but a strong interest for hetrosexuality also.

This has lead my to believe that I am on the Bisexual spectrum of sexuality, but questions remain, there is no physical or romantic attraction to either despite distinct desire for both, these thoughts are largly very fluid at the moment. Whether if this is more of a deep socio-psycological issue that should be addressed remains to be seen. But for now I am happy to have the Asexual and the Bisexual label.

I believe that because of the social stigma, and my isolation, I am lead to believe that I am a closeted bisexual without attractions. If these do develop, I will be happy with being a bisexual, but for now I am a fluditly orientated Aromantic Bisexual/Asexual, moving to one sexuality minority to another *sigh* I need some :cake: .

Maybe 99% of AVEN member are socially/sexually/emotionally repressed that haven not found out yet or do not want to find out, keep as an open mind as you can, it helped me answer a 10 year problem with my idenity.

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I lost the ability to feel sexual attraction as I lost interest into socializing.

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LiteralNovice

In a way, I went through the opposite thing you did, where I tried to enforce sexual desires onto myself because I really did think I was some form of sexual, mainly homosexual, but as it turned out, hardly any of those feelings were there. Even now, I'm not too sure of labels, so I just let my sexuality take me where it wants to take me. That's probably the healthiest option for you. If you start to realise you could be lesbian, don't repress those feelings.

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Repression's a somewhat outmoded psychological construct. Your feeling about sex and your orientation might change with time (as they did with Birdwing), but I don't think it's possible to "repress" or be in denial about what you feel.

I felt long ago as though I would never want to have sex due to lack of interest. Yet I mistakenly thought that I would want to have sex once I was in an appropriate relationship for it, because everyone wanted to do it. I'd call that denial, but it could also be considered a misunderstanding or misinterpretation. What would you call it, Sally?

I'm definitely not homosexual, and I'm definitely not heterosexual, either, at least not "fully" so. Since discovering that I am asexual a bit over a year ago, until now, I considered myself asexual. Since I consider gray-asexual to be asexual, I still do, but I find now that gray-a may more accurately describe me. I think I overlooked my minute experiences of sexual attraction because I knew that I wasn't interested in having sex (what little sexual attraction I do experience is not enough to make me want sex, anyway.) Is that repression, perhaps? I dunno.

So, no, I am not a closet homosexual, but I realized I was gray-a after identifying as asexual for over a year.

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I felt long ago as though I would never want to have sex due to lack of interest. Yet I mistakenly thought that I would want to have sex once I was in an appropriate relationship for it, because everyone wanted to do it. I'd call that denial, but it could also be considered a misunderstanding or misinterpretation. What would you call it, Sally?

I'd call that simply not knowing that such an orientation as asexuality exists. You weren't in denial about your feelings; you simply thought those feelings would change once you were in a relationship -- i.e., once you met someone special, as people tend to tell us. Many people on AVEN have reported that situation in their own lives. I felt the same way. That's not denial; that's simply the hope of becoming "normal".

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When I was 17, I thought that I was a lesbian, as I experienced sexual attraction to females at that age, then I thought I was bi, as I was also sexually attracted to males as well. Then, at the age of 19, I lost sexual attraction and became Asexual. (Though I didn't realize it at the time). Basically, my story's the opposite of Birdwing's and Arielle's.

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Repression's a somewhat outmoded psychological construct. Your feeling about sex and your orientation might change with time (as they did with Birdwing), but I don't think it's possible to "repress" or be in denial about what you feel. You might call it this or that or the other thing, but you still feel it. I've known plenty of people who've grown up in very religious cultures where they're not supposed tos even think about sex, and they still think about it and feel sexual, although they might not act it out.

I've always heard closet homosexuals are people who know what they feel but haven't come out about it, not people who didn't realize what they felt (and about whom they felt it).

I never believed in the silly repression theories either. Wasn't it Freud who emphasized this? But who knows? I'm just curious to hear all of your stories to even see if it's possible.

Oh and thanks for all of your responses. I read all of them, but I usually don't have much to say in response. :P

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After a decade of not being attracted to any women I met, I came to the conclusion "well I guess I must be gay since I am not attracted to girls". Then I started going to various gay venues around town and felt the exact same thing I'd been feeling toward women. Nothing. After that I just decided I was a freak until I saw news show clips on YouTube that told me about asexuality. Finally, after struggling with it for several years, I accepted myself for what I am. And as I'd posted earlier, that feeling of relief is wonderful.

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Back in the day I considered myself an aromantic asexual. These days I consider myself gay gray-A. So yeah, it happens in some cases.

In my case, I would not say that I had been "closeted", "repressed", or that my orientation changed. I consider my sense of attraction very weak and equivocal, and it is very plausible that I simply hadn't noticed it. But after joining AVEN, I started to very seriously consider the possibility, and eventually decided that the possibility was reality.

And I do not regret the experience.

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Repression's a somewhat outmoded psychological construct. Your feeling about sex and your orientation might change with time (as they did with Birdwing), but I don't think it's possible to "repress" or be in denial about what you feel. You might call it this or that or the other thing, but you still feel it. I've known plenty of people who've grown up in very religious cultures where they're not supposed tos even think about sex, and they still think about it and feel sexual, although they might not act it out.

I've always heard closet homosexuals are people who know what they feel but haven't come out about it, not people who didn't realize what they felt (and about whom they felt it).

Oh, I've definitely know more than a couple people who repressed their homosexuality and really didn't feel it. And by that I mean, their strong repulsion for homosexuality quashed their gay feelings pretty quickly, so they may have had occasional flits and flutters of feelings, but they were extremely small and momentary at best. And its not hard to rationalize small, fleeting feelings.

But yes, as a counter to your experience, I've known several people who legitimately say that they were repressed. Sally, you believe strongly that people should be the foremost authorities on their own feelings, experiences, and labels, surely you accept that there are people who say they were repressed?

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Bit of TMI here.

This is actually exactly what I'm wondering about myself due to being very aroused by topless women, but only slightly aroused by naked men. In real life I've never felt anything towards anyone, but I haven't had a crush in years and I could just be ignoring my real feelings. So I don't know if I'm demisexual, asexual, or just a picky sexual. I figure the only way I'll ever know is experimenting, but I have no idea how I would go about that because there aren't people of either sex that I could go to for this(and I haven't had sexual attraction to anyone yet, so who knows how willing I would be if I actually had the opportunity). Luckily my family is very accepting and where I live is as well, so I don't know why I would be repressed.

/tangent.

Anyway, I'm sure that there have been people who have felt this way and realized they were actually homosexual and just using the asexual tag to hide it from themselves (or use it falsely if they really didn't realize).

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It hasn't happened yet, if it does at all.

When I was younger I use to think I was homosexual, or at least would end up that way. I often wanted desperately to be around members of my same sex, and I'd even pleasure myself to the thought of them. Problems arose when I discovered I wasn't actually attracted to them, specifically, but rather at the idea of having intimacy. I didn't actually want to touch their bodies, kiss them. All I wanted was to be friends with them, having such a level of intimacy we could tell each other anything and be partners. Not sexually, nor romantically. The best way I could describe it would be like the kids from the popular animated series Digimon. They all had a level of intimacy with one another and worked well together, but most were not romantically or sexually linked with one another. As a lonely adolescent, that was all I truly desired.

When that hit me, the feelings stopped. Feelings, there never were sensations.

When I eventually gained friends, and I knew they truly cared for me, I ceased to even think about sex altogether. In my mind it seems it is only a tool to gain companionship and not really something useful when I have it.

Considering my past, it isn't surprising I saw sex the way I did.

Now that I am somewhat older and have a better grasp on sexuality, I know for certain I don't experience sexual attraction and never did. I don't particularly mind if I ever end up with someone, and I am not bothered with what plumbing they may or may not have. Though admittedly if I were to enter a relationship with someone sexual it would be slightly easier if they were the same sex. I would simply have a better understanding of how their sexual organs work. Nothing personal.

In the future if it turns out I am mistaken, I wouldn't really mind. Life goes on.

I should be embarrassed with how much I trailed off here.

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When I was younger I use to think I was homosexual, or at least would end up that way. I often wanted desperately to be around members of my same sex, and I'd even pleasure myself to the thought of them. Problems arose when I discovered I wasn't actually attracted to them, specifically, but rather at the idea of having intimacy. I didn't actually want to touch their bodies, kiss them. All I wanted was to be friends with them, having such a level of intimacy we could tell each other anything and be partners. Not sexually, nor romantically. The best way I could describe it would be like the kids from the popular animated series Digimon. They all had a level of intimacy with one another and worked well together, but most were not romantically or sexually linked with one another. As a lonely adolescent, that was all I truly desired.

I identify a LOT with this. Except heterosexual + opposite sex in my case.

Growing up, the majority of people I called my friends were female.

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I find it interesting that some of you thought of yourselves as homosexual first, but only later realizing that you're asexual. IMO, it seems like most people would want to assume they're heterosexual first, then later considering being a homosexual or an asexual person.

What made you guys think you were homosexuals? Was it just that you didn't care for the other sex, so you automatically assumed you were a homosexual because it was the only other option you knew?

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phillippiaH04

I have kind of a similar problem. I didn't identify as anything, in high school, because I didn't feel anything "significantly" sexual for anyone. Then I had, what I would now identify as romantic feelings for a man, so I assumed I was straight. However, in college I fell very hard for a woman and I started to worry that I was gay and had been repressing it this whole time. 0.0 Especially after the aforementioned woman, who had come out as bi, then lesbian in high school, told me that she used to think she was asexual, which sounded like how I thought of myself, in high school. I go to a college where the LGBT community is really accepted and I had several friends suggest that I just try experimenting, but the thought of just sleeping with "random people" of any gender was genuinely abhorrent to me. It makes me feel like spiders are crawling all over my skin if I think about it too long!

So then I thought maybe I really was asexual, but certain things like the fact that I had this habit of having a small scale organism whenever I was around this woman suggested otherwise. Aside: I suggest learning about the physiological signs of arousal and orgasms, this information definitely helped me be more objective and start sorting out the endless "what if I'm repressing and if I'm repressing, WHAT AM I repressing???" thought cycles, however use caution, these are not absolute: "Orgasms All the Time". I recommend looking for consistent patterns.

To make things even more confusing, I started taking ADD medication and suddenly I was attracted to people all the time (mostly men, especially trans men -yay more confusing information). A guy asked me out at my friends wedding and to my surprise, for the first time, I was interested. However, while I enjoyed making out with him, I didn't want to go any further than that. In the spirit of "experimenting" I let him finger me and it was really uncomfortable and felt creepy, then again he was kind of a creepy person, as it turns out.

Now I'm with a guy (birth and current sex), who, I recently found out, considers himself gender queer (in between male and female, he fantasizes about having a vagina and a penis). Met him online and it was three months, before we met in person and we already knew each other by then -had stayed up all night discussing philosophy and such. We're long distance and go for months without having sex and we're both happy that way. However, I'm probably moving across the country next year and he said he didn't want to be that long distance. I'm also thinking while I care about him, he's definitely not someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I'm worried about entering the dating scene again, because I still feel uncomfortable about physical intimacy, with someone I don't know very well.

Recently I learned the term "Demisexual" and I think that might be me (Demisexual, Heteroflexable or Hetero-leaning-Bi or just Bi [lack sufficient data/ not interested in acquiring more, for the sole sake of determining my identification] Romantic). Still I worry sometimes that this is all some elaborate repression schema. I don't go to any of the many LGBTQ support groups on campus, because I worry other people will also think it's an elaborate repression schema and may even decide I need rescuing from the evil closet demon, which is always fun (in a painfully awkward, you're denying my humanity by claiming that you are more competent at interpreting my thoughts than I am, despite the fact that I'm the one thinking them, kind of way).

In the end, my opinion as an aspiring social neuroscientist is that we know very little about how the brain functions in this are. Human sexuality diverges from evolutionary sexualities, driven more directly by reproduction, because it serves a social function in our species. This exponentially increases the potential manifestations. Therefore, I assume that, given the knowledge we have right now, there is no objective way to come to any conclusion about what I "should" be. The best I can do is my subjective impression of what "seems right" and what will make me happy.

Additionally, I think it's good to talk to people you know and trust. If you are repressing attractions, maybe talking about this fear, with someone who cares about you and seeing how they respond, will help you feel better about them and not repress them. If your not repressing them, you take away some of the incentive to repress them, when you talk about them and you can be more sure about how you think you feel. Almost everyone I know, knows I fell for a woman in college and I have made it very clear to those who have suggested otherwise that it was not platonic. Having gone through this step and I am at the point where a number of people close to me have suggested that I am repressing lesbian or bisexual emotions and offered their support. If I my patterns of disinterest in sex, resulted from repression, I think this would make it easier to stop. However, instead I feel more assured about my own conclusions, having done this. Either way, it was a good thing.

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Well I was scare to be gay too.

Here how I decided that I was not gay because I keep feeling like I was asexual only because it is better than being gay (that it is easier to live not being gay not that their is anything wrong with being gay. It just a fact that it is harder to be gay then not gay. Beside my parent are those gay hate type people so it would make my life very difficult. So please do not consider that I hate gay. I do not)

First I had to figure out what attraction is since I never experience it. From many people it the desire for someone. You miss them a lot, act differently around them, can imagine yourself having sex with them, want to touch or be physical with them, thinking about them a lot, or just feeling different about a certain person than how you feel about everyone.

Then I apply it to people around me and when I meet new people. My feeling was the same for everyone, even the same sex.

So that how I came to learn I was truly asexual. I never feel different about anyone. I never treat anyone different. No one is ever on my mind unless I had a bad experience and that person is associate with the experience. Which I consider not PART of the attraction state.

So even if it was girl (I am a girl) and I had attraction (as I define up there) toward her then I would be fine. I never had issue with homosexuality but I was just so confuse on what I should label myself. I learn I should not or need not a label. That when I met the one and IO may never meet the one that it is ok. That who ever I am pair with or not in life is god choice or just something in life. I should just keep living my life.

What made you guys think you were homosexuals? Was it just that you didn't care for the other sex, so you automatically assumed you were a homosexual because it was the only other option you knew?

I thought I was a homosexual because I am more comfortable with girl then guy. I prefer to have girl as friend and hang around girl. I am more comfortable with girl than guy too. Though I figure it just something that make me, me and not a homosexual.

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@MC66 - I find that sort of thing really confusing...I get a lot of mixed messages from my brain. :/ For me, whenever I become good friends with someone, I get a sort of "crush" on them. I start thinking about them a lot and things like that. It's not in a sexual way, though. Also, it doesn't matter the gender. I believe they're called "squishes" here, right? ;) I don't know if I'm attracted to them because I'm friends or because of other things.

@phillippiaH04 - Small orgasms?? Interesting, but I've never experienced that myself. Although I'm not one to be giving advice, it sounds like you just need to sit back and take a deep breath. Your post is just filled with energy and it sounds like you're thinking about this whole sexuality thing a bit too... seriously? deeply? intensely? (I'm not good with words). ;)

Anyway, are you really a neuroscientist? I'd love to go into that field someday.

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I grew up in a christian home believing all homosexuals were asexualls that thought that since they weren't attracted to women that they must be attracted to men, so chose to be gay because they couldn't bring themselves to believe that they were never supposed to have sex.

I then went through a period of time that I can't go into. (literally. I can't go into is as I don't remember it at all)

but one day I woke up and realized I was gay, and had been my hole life. funny how that works.

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@.mouse.: Well I am a aromantic asexuals that mean I experiences no feeling of attraction or love toward anyone so it is a bit easier for me to tell if I am attract to someone or not. Asexuals usually just don't like sex but they have feeling for love. I use to have a hard time with telling the difference between crush and attraction or was I having a crush. I think as you get older or go on in life you will learn thing about yourself and make decision that are hard now to answer, easier. When I was in high school I could not tell at all if I like someone. All my friend though I was gay and so did I. Now I can answer that for sure. I can tell if I am attracted to people or not and I can differently say with confidence I am not a homosexual. I also learn it ok if your label change or you turn gay or you change as a person and have no idea what you are. You don't need a label or stay the same label your whole life.

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to answer the original question, as I didn't have time to read the whole thing so far, but will later, I have this.

I grew up believing that homosexuals were asexuals that didn't want to never have sex. I used to believe I was asexual for this reason, I thought the desires for other men I had were demonic (grew up in a christian home. didn't know any better. also I was like 12when I got this idea) anyway, way later I figured out that asexuals aren't sexually attracted to either sex, thus I couldn't be asexual. I realized I was gay.

My point is that if you find yourself looking at the same sex, but keep telling yourself it's wrong for some preconceived ideas, then you are probably homosexual. but if you really have no sexual interest, you are asexual.

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