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gilnokoibito

My Romantic orientation is...?

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gilnokoibito

So, this has probably been asked and talked about several times...but...I'm sort of too lazy to search I guess...

Anyway, I should probably state that I am fully asexual; I have never experienced sexual attraction towards anyone, I've never had sex and I never want to. However as of late I've been having trouble identifying my romantic orientation.

See, the thing is I've always identified as heteromantic...because I was normally attracted to guys. Then I began to realize that I don't like to cuddle, hug, hold hands, kiss, etc which I consider to be romantic activities...and since I've never found anyone who made me go all gaga intellectually or emotionally I began to consider that I might be bi-romantic, since I always felt very close to other females...which didn't last very long. So now I've started to wonder whether I'm heteromantic or aromantic...I've always considered myself to like romance...or rather I like the idea of romance. In real life when romantic things happen I normally feel sort of strange and a bit "put-out" so to speak. Other than receiving flowers and chocolates from someone (I likey gifts!!! :D) I don't really like to get close to people. A fun date to me is a movie and talking about hobbies or such...I don't like anything deeper than that without feeling awkward. However, when I daydream (I make up stories in my head that may last for days/years!) I like being very romantic, perhaps sometimes even sexual! Albeit, the people in my dreams are not real - they are always characters I've come up with...and probably what I could consider my "ideal" partner(s). When I do manage to think/realize that a guy is interested in me it makes me very happy and I sometimes imagine what it would be like to date said person, but I never want to do anything really "romantic" with anyone (or at least what I consider to be romantic.) I just sort of want to...hang out...with them. I want to be considered special to them, to be seen as someone they really, truly care for...I want to be someone they may do special things for and perhaps that I would do special things for, but nothing really that I would consider romantic...so I'm very confused as to what I want to consider myself as!

I would really like to be able to say "Yes, I'm heteromantic" or "I'm aromantic" but I really don't know! I'd like to know which one I come closer to fitting in with as it gives me a sense of community when I find out what I am. So, perhaps I've just not researched/read enough about the definition of what aromantic is, but could someone help me out here? I feel so confused!

Perhaps, for the aromantics out there, could you tell me if you'd consider me to be aromantic? Or what is everyone's definition's of what makes someone aromantic? Help!!!!

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Mr. Shuttershy

To me, romance is what you make it. If you hold yourself to the ideals of romsnce, -what you others do-, you might mis-label yourself. Everyone loves differently. So its up to you to decide. I find a good test is to see how you view your friends, then think if you want anything more than that. I guess.. Try to remember that you will handle all aspects of life different than others, so look inside for the answers.

To me?

I'm romantic.

I love romance.

But my ideal relash is a close friend, that we basically just.. Be friends; but have commitment. Have that special bond. Love isn't about the cheesy things for me, its having a special place in my heart and filling another's special place. Not better than their other relash's, but different.

When I picture me with someone, its.. Chilling. Its just. Quiet. Its the 'someone to come home to/ they come home to me'. Its the silently eating waffles across each other at a restaurant at 80. Its.. All that a bestie is; but our lives are shared perhaps more. Life wouldn'y be a one-player, but a two-player game.

Hope that helped!

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Philip027

I haven't gotten it completely nailed down yet, either.

I know I'm hetero. I just get along better with females in general, and I could only see myself in a potential romantic relationship with one. The intensity though is something I haven't fully figured out, though. Romantic attraction to me happens rarely. Thus far, demiromantic is the closest term I've come up with to describe myself. It would explain the rarity, because I am not a very social/outgoing person, but rather introverted.

Everyone loves differently.

That's important to keep in mind, I think. Everyone seems to have their own ideas of what it is, and they might not jive with the norm. That doesn't necessarily make them invalid.

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sadegirl

I really identified with what you said... :) It's difficult to figure out, and I believe it takes time...

For me, I like the ideal of romantic love, the way couples look on valentines days, or when they are walking in the park... :wub: But I realize that's not for me, I only like the idea of it, for other people. I would say for me, I would consider myself heteromantic because I like the idea of a deep friendship, where we would do things together on a regular basis, and connect spiritually. I know I am not into women because I can't see myself having that kind of relationship with a woman. So it just boils down to your definition of aromantic heteromantic, and all these terms. :lol: Good luck, and always do what you want to do and what feels right!

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Adriannu

I completely agree with sadegirl. I like the idea of romance, but I don't think I'd like it for myself. I can't really imagine myself in any kind of romantic relationship with either males or females. I just prefer deep friendship. Because of this I've never actually considered what my own romantic orientation is... However, my personal definition of an aromantic person would be someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction to anybody. Basically just a short, edited version of the asexual definition.

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gilnokoibito

But my ideal relash is a close friend, that we basically just.. Be friends; but have commitment. Have that special bond. Love isn't about the cheesy things for me, its having a special place in my heart and filling another's special place.

That's exactly like me! For me, I want a relationship...but I never want to be no more than really, really close friends. I have a difficulty seperating the two actually - what is romantic and what is just deep friendship? I like the idea of having someone really special to me and who I'm special to as well...but when it comes down to it...everyone that I let really close to me, just winds up being an extrememly close friend...like family to me more than a romantic relationship.

Romantic attraction to me happens rarely. Thus far, demiromantic is the closest term I've come up with to describe myself. It would explain the rarity, because I am not a very social/outgoing person, but rather introverted.

I also have to agree with this...I hardly ever have that romantic feeling towards people...I may feel a bit struck on someone but it's more like I idolize them a bit...I want to know a lot about them and be close to them, but for me, it's the same thing as being close friends with someone. I completely forgot about demiromantics! That may just be what I am! (Also, I'm an introvert as well...social situations are just not my thing!)

I completely agree with sadegirl. I like the idea of romance, but I don't think I'd like it for myself. I can't really imagine myself in any kind of romantic relationship with either males or females. I just prefer deep friendship.

Exactly! I love fantasizing about romance...but when it boils down to real life...I just...feel a bit...uncomfortable...somehow...

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neferet

does that make me a aromantic romantic then? i have no feelings towards any one physicaaly or other wise but i want a holdy hands kinda goey places kinda i feel your heart with love you fill mine kinda bff kinda relationship

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5_♦♣

Neferet: It's an oxymoron to be an aromantic romantic. Just because you're not attracted to anyone doesn't mean you can't desire holding hands or what have you.

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x124

Familiar questions, though I can't offer you answers. One thing I wonder if you share: do you ever build a person up into some romantic idol, only to be disappointed when they can't satisfy that expectation? I've done it a couple of times. It's a dumb habit.

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Jillianimal

I made a topic a while ago trying to sort out what aromantic & romantic attraction means here. I also tried explaining the other types of attraction in another thread if that isn't enough. Hope that helps some.

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gilnokoibito

Familiar questions, though I can't offer you answers. One thing I wonder if you share: do you ever build a person up into some romantic idol, only to be disappointed when they can't satisfy that expectation? I've done it a couple of times. It's a dumb habit.

Sort of...I tend to get enamored with certain people...sort of like having a crush...but then I realize later (because they normally never notice me) that it probably wasn't meant to be...that me, being asexual as I am and a tad lacking in self-esteem, probably couldn't make them happy and they're likely better off with someone else. Or, sometimes, I've noticed them in other relationships and then realized that they were not as I thought. But until those times I simply sort of build them up into something great...though after high school I've been trying my best not to do this.

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gilnokoibito

I made a topic a while ago trying to sort out what aromantic & romantic attraction means here. I also tried explaining the other types of attraction in another thread if that isn't enough. Hope that helps some.

I read through all that just now...and it brings up some interesting things...however...I think I just became slightly more confused as to what exactly romance and romantic feelings are... :unsure:

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PumpkinVine

First, I would like to say to gilnokoibito that I completely identify with you. This was like reading a page out of my own brain, word for word. I'm right there with you in that I don't really know what this is. And I have the same question: Am I aromantic? Holding hands and kissing have always been so strange for me in reality, but in my head it's so natural with the made-up characters. I love dramatic and romantic stories and poems like anything by Jane Austen, Shakespeare, the Bronte sisters, and Edgar Allan Poe, but I've never had the desire to actually have these stories "come to life." I can tell you that wikipedia was no help in identifying what acts/situations are considered romantic, plus they are from the viewpoint of sexual people, so any "romance" that occurs starts out as mental/emotional and eventually becomes physical. To me, romance is what happens when someone else makes you feel all warm and cozy inside like a hot cup of tea. It's not awkward or forced, you just feel at home and at peace with that other person. I consider a pillow fight to be romantic...I only pillow fight with the ones I love :D What I'm getting at is that you get to decide what is romantic for you, and if you want to go with my definition for what I consider romance to be, then what makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Maybe the reason we dream about characters is because they give us that peace and warmth, that's why I've kept them around for years, too. Let me know if this helps!

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gilnokoibito

First, I would like to say to gilnokoibito that I completely identify with you. This was like reading a page out of my own brain, word for word. I'm right there with you in that I don't really know what this is. And I have the same question: Am I aromantic? Holding hands and kissing have always been so strange for me in reality, but in my head it's so natural with the made-up characters. I love dramatic and romantic stories and poems like anything by Jane Austen, Shakespeare, the Bronte sisters, and Edgar Allan Poe, but I've never had the desire to actually have these stories "come to life." I can tell you that wikipedia was no help in identifying what acts/situations are considered romantic, plus they are from the viewpoint of sexual people, so any "romance" that occurs starts out as mental/emotional and eventually becomes physical. To me, romance is what happens when someone else makes you feel all warm and cozy inside like a hot cup of tea. It's not awkward or forced, you just feel at home and at peace with that other person. I consider a pillow fight to be romantic...I only pillow fight with the ones I love :D What I'm getting at is that you get to decide what is romantic for you, and if you want to go with my definition for what I consider romance to be, then what makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Maybe the reason we dream about characters is because they give us that peace and warmth, that's why I've kept them around for years, too. Let me know if this helps!

It certainly is nice hearing from people who know what I'm going through/how I feel. (This is why I like this place so!)

And yeah...to me...the only people that I've felt all warm and fuzzy with...um...aren't actually real...which sucks 'cause I would totally love them to be real! But then again I don't know if that'd work out either...they are my ideal person...but only in an ideal world with a more idealized version of myself as well and not me in reality. (Though I've been trying lately to make the me in my head more realistic...but it never makes a good story that's very satisfying if I do.)

But for me, it's hard to determine what romance is...I used to think of feeling all lovey-dovey (like when you hear people talk about their bfs/gfs all happily) and cuddling, kissing, etc...but that's just not me! So then it has to be some sort of emotional closeness right? But I've never felt that way towards any living, breathing people - just the characters in my head. Don't get me wrong...I MUST feel something...I have a few friends that I consider as close or closer than my own family...but it's not "romance" to me...it's just deep friendship. But I can feel those "romantic-ish" feelings in my head though...but not in real life...at least not yet even though I want to, so it's very hard for me to describe how I am to anyone. And I'd really like to be able to do that. To simply sum myself up a bit, like "I am a _________ asexual." But...I just can't really find the word to fill in that gap. It's frustrating.

(Also, I LOVE Edgar Allan Poe! "Annabell Lee" is so my favorite poem! :) And yes...it might be sort of awkward to pillow fight with people you don't love...it might become a pillow war instead! lmao Unless of course, it's National Pillow Fight Day! :D)

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Jillianimal

I made a topic a while ago trying to sort out what aromantic & romantic attraction means here. I also tried explaining the other types of attraction in another thread if that isn't enough. Hope that helps some.

I read through all that just now...and it brings up some interesting things...however...I think I just became slightly more confused as to what exactly romance and romantic feelings are... :unsure:

I forgot I didn't get very detailed what it felt like in that topic. I did in another one but I'm going to stop myself from more shameless plug links. I'll just quote that particlar attraction instead:

I like to compare this to a panic attack that feels awesome instead of making you think you'd be better off dead. Nervous-but-excited butterflies in the stomach when that someone's around or even just thinking about them. Tends to leave you in a dreamlike feeling & irrational state of mind. Even at a low intensity, it is a distinctive sensation from hero worship, admiration, etc. On it's own it is the feeling of being in love without the desire to really do anything about it, with the possible exception of seeing/making this person happy (most people tend to experience it combined with sensual and/or interpersonal attraction which creates the desire to pursue a romantic relationship). Aromantics do not experience this.

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gilnokoibito
I like to compare this to a panic attack that feels awesome instead of making you think you'd be better off dead. Nervous-but-excited butterflies in the stomach when that someone's around or even just thinking about them. Tends to leave you in a dreamlike feeling & irrational state of mind. Even at a low intensity, it is a distinctive sensation from hero worship, admiration, etc. On it's own it is the feeling of being in love without the desire to really do anything about it, with the possible exception of seeing/making this person happy (most people tend to experience it combined with sensual and/or interpersonal attraction which creates the desire to pursue a romantic relationship). Aromantics do not experience this.

Yeah...I've never experienced any of that in real life...so...I'm aromantic then?

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Jillianimal
I like to compare this to a panic attack that feels awesome instead of making you think you'd be better off dead. Nervous-but-excited butterflies in the stomach when that someone's around or even just thinking about them. Tends to leave you in a dreamlike feeling & irrational state of mind. Even at a low intensity, it is a distinctive sensation from hero worship, admiration, etc. On it's own it is the feeling of being in love without the desire to really do anything about it, with the possible exception of seeing/making this person happy (most people tend to experience it combined with sensual and/or interpersonal attraction which creates the desire to pursue a romantic relationship). Aromantics do not experience this.

Yeah...I've never experienced any of that in real life...so...I'm aromantic then?

Probably. I'm sure it varies a bit from person to person, but it tends to be one of those things where it hits you & think "Oh, that's what this must be".

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PumpkinVine

I know how frustrating it is to want to put some kind of name to how you feel in order to explain it to others, let alone yourself. I've been trying to do that for years! So far, this is what I have: I have a lot of passion and I love stories with passionate characters and very dramatic plots, I say that makes me a romantic because I think that type of material would not appeal to me at all if I was aromantic (however, I cannot stand vapid, romantic comedies). Plus, the original usage of the word "romance" referred to stories of adventure and heroism, like knights and dragons and princesses and such, and I eat that stuff for breakfast, so I'm a romantic! At least at heart if not physically.

Again, that's my definition of romance, and you get to make up your own! Also, you have all the time in the world to figure yourself out, as do I, and no one has the right to pressure you and tell you that you have to explain yourself. You can decide not to decide. But I understand the need to communicate who you are to other people, so if I were asked "What's your deal?" or something similar, I would say something like "I like [insert likes here, i.e. romantic and melodramatic stories and poetry], but I [insert dislikes here, i.e. physical contact; or the need to act them out in real life." I have no idea what my reason is for not wanting to really act these things out, but, you can always refer to that simple go-to defense of "Well, why are you heterosexual? When did you decide you were heterosexual? Why do you want to have sex?" And their reason is "I was born this way." Well, we were too.

And I have also tried so hard to make myself more realistic in my stories too, but they're never as good! And in those stories, I've never been all cuddly and kissy-face with them, so I could never be that way in my imagination OR reality. The relationship has always seemed so natural in that we have an unspoken understanding that we both enjoy each others company and are an inseparable team. That bond itself is romantic...to me :)

Oh, and when is National Pillow Fight Day!!!??? I must tell the town...

And I read Annabel Lee almost every night before I go to sleep, it is also my favorite poem in the world!!!

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KateJ

Oh my God, you sound soo much like me it's actually kinda freaky... right down to the same question :) I don't know if my answer is going to help at all though

What I've started calling myself is a 'theoretical romantic', I figure I like the concept of romance more than the real thing. Of course the only 'romance' I've ever experienced was from guys that were trying to get me to sleep with them, so possibly I'm biased on that count :blush:

The most basic description I'm working with is 'theoretical kissing with fictional boys' - I like to live in my head to a certain extent, but even in my head I'm still asexual and my fictional boys know it. I have no idea what that makes me but I suppose I at least have aromantic leanings :huh:

Although I have noticed that when it comes to :cake: I have very romantic feelings :wub: lol

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gilnokoibito

I know how frustrating it is to want to put some kind of name to how you feel in order to explain it to others, let alone yourself. I've been trying to do that for years! So far, this is what I have: I have a lot of passion and I love stories with passionate characters and very dramatic plots, I say that makes me a romantic because I think that type of material would not appeal to me at all if I was aromantic (however, I cannot stand vapid, romantic comedies). Plus, the original usage of the word "romance" referred to stories of adventure and heroism, like knights and dragons and princesses and such, and I eat that stuff for breakfast, so I'm a romantic! At least at heart if not physically. Again, that's my definition of romance, and you get to make up your own! Also, you have all the time in the world to figure yourself out, as do I, and no one has the right to pressure you and tell you that you have to explain yourself. You can decide not to decide. But I understand the need to communicate who you are to other people, so if I were asked "What's your deal?" or something similar, I would say something like "I like [insert likes here, i.e. romantic and melodramatic stories and poetry], but I [insert dislikes here, i.e. physical contact; or the need to act them out in real life." I have no idea what my reason is for not wanting to really act these things out, but, you can always refer to that simple go-to defense of "Well, why are you heterosexual? When did you decide you were heterosexual? Why do you want to have sex?" And their reason is "I was born this way." Well, we were too. And I have also tried so hard to make myself more realistic in my stories too, but they're never as good! And in those stories, I've never been all cuddly and kissy-face with them, so I could never be that way in my imagination OR reality. The relationship has always seemed so natural in that we have an unspoken understanding that we both enjoy each others company and are an inseparable team. That bond itself is romantic...to me :)Oh, and when is National Pillow Fight Day!!!??? I must tell the town...And I read Annabel Lee almost every night before I go to sleep, it is also my favorite poem in the world!!!

I like this, VERY much! And that's a great idea! The "I like ______, but I feel _______" sort of thing! I will probably end up using that if anyone asks me to describe myself with more than just a word or two. lol.

I WANT to have that close relationship with someone, and I love that in my head. But it just seems so against my very being in real life that I just can't seem to get those warm, fuzzy feelings everyone else talks about. And I've had a few moments with a certain character in my head, where being too romantic or sexual with him is just weird...even though it's in my head. I find it hard to get a bond going between us, but when I do it feels so sweet and so nice! But normally, we at least kiss...and there is always that great and dramatic declaration of love! *Kyaaa!!!! XD* But yeah, it's REALLY awesome in my head...but in real life no matter how much I may want to feel all warm and fuzzy with someone...I just...can't...and forcing it wouldn't be any good and it wouldn't feel right either. So it's just sort of strange for me. But you totally get what I'm talking about! That, in itself, is simply great!

Also, National Pillow Fight Day...I have no clue when it is in 2012 exactly...but it's normally in April sometime I believe. I don't know if it's the same day every year or not...hmm...need to find that out.

And yay! For Edgar Allan Poe fans!

Oh my God, you sound soo much like me it's actually kinda freaky... right down to the same question :) I don't know if my answer is going to help at all thoughWhat I've started calling myself is a 'theoretical romantic', I figure I like the concept of romance more than the real thing. Of course the only 'romance' I've ever experienced was from guys that were trying to get me to sleep with them, so possibly I'm biased on that count :blush: The most basic description I'm working with is 'theoretical kissing with fictional boys' - I like to live in my head to a certain extent, but even in my head I'm still asexual and my fictional boys know it. I have no idea what that makes me but I suppose I at least have aromantic leanings :huh: Although I have noticed that when it comes to :cake: I have very romantic feelings :wub: lol

'Theoretical romantic'...that makes sense...I like that! Because 'theoretically' I LOVE romance! In real life...it just doesn't seem to work!

And I think most people here have romantic feelings for :cake: I know I do! :D

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KateJ

And I think most people here have romantic feelings for :cake: I know I do! :D

Prime example of my cake-love. At work a sales rep brought us a cake one day (as well as some new product info), a few days later the other girls were saying how cute he was. I had no idea who they were talking about until they said 'the one that brought the cake'. I have no idea what he looks like, he brought cake am I supposed to pay attention to anything else? Honestly, he could have been on fire and I possibly wouldn't have noticed, there was cake that's all I know.

Theoretical romantic with a deep love of :cake: that's me

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Siggy

In case it hasn't already pointed out, there are plenty of people who don't identify by any particular romantic orientation. In the tumblr/blogging communities, this is sometimes referred to as "wtfromantic", which you can try googling. Here's an example, where the author also expresses difficulty distinguishing friendships from romantic relationships.

I think of romantic relationships as this whole collection of concepts and phenomena. It's not a real precise definition, because it's a jumble of many contributions from many different people. And if you relate to half of the experiences, but not the other half... It just seems like our language is inadequate to handle these complications, and societal norms are inadequate to handle new kinds of relationships.

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I'm a person too!

lol WTFRomantic. That may be me... I think I want to be in a relationship but do not get anything out of it. They become a chore so quickly. I've dated several really stellar guys but when it boils down, I don't need to be more than friends with any of them. And unless communication is so open as to clarify 'Are we dating?' 'Yes, we're dating.' or 'What level would you say we're at?' I have no idea where a relationship stands. If it isn't spelled out like that for me I'm liable to not realize that I have engaged in a sort of relationship. Oops... So yeah, wtfromantic...

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