How can a sexual-asexual relationship ever work at all?

[purplefeather]

To SkulleryMaid; Thats why I said I will either stay single or look for an asexual man, because I don't ever want to have sex. Now I'm leaved with even more frustrations here as your comment makes it sound like, if an asexual doesn't want to have sex and feels miserable because of it, he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual? That sounds selfish. That's why I want to stay single or look for an asexual partner. I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

But like I said, it's different for everyone. I have known someone, a woman, who is romantic asexual like me, she's been married to a sexual partner, he had enough with watching porn and masturbating, and if sex would be nvolved it owuld only be 'rubbing', but no penetration (I would be okay with that too) but after about ten years he cheated on her, only for the sex.

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I'm feeling depressed now. Someone please give me cake.....

---

Besides, your comment makes me feel like you want to tell me "my penis will heal you". i'm not going to feel better by performing sex. i will feel worse. i have been there, done that. felt miserable every time, even suicidle sometimes, just to feel like living in a sex-obsessed-world... I want to be respected for being asexual. Sexuals never seem to get to give me that feeling. Im just saying how I feel here... Im sorry Im so hostile about sex, but thats just me, ok?

How can I help it?????

Sorry pressed wrong button

any way um, It is very hard for me as a sexual to go through all the kissing, cuddling etc without the sex, its like priming something and then leaving it - no finale. Sorry but not all sexuals selfish. I have never had sex with my new partner, I dont want it if he feels its a comprimise. I want sex to be something we share, to feel closer. I was decieved, I didnt know he was asexual until after I had committed my heart to the relationship. In some ways I think some asexuals are very selfish cause they dont disclose their asexuality until way into the relationship or even married. I think that by wanting close relationships with partners with out any form of sex is well selfish - I cant have sex outside relationship, not my thing, and not far to number 3 person, masturbation is not sex, sorry it makes things worse really, Its not nice to be thought of as dirty or sex maniac for a natural drive, it is natural cause otherwise we wouldnt have babies to continue our species. Sorry to offend, maybe someday Ill think different.

Do keep in mind that in may situations, the asexual may not know that they are asexual until the point that they do disclose it. I know in my case, and my story is not unusual, I didn't know I was asexual until I had committed to my partner at the time. We were many months into the relationship and the emotional connection between us was all ready there. Before that, I had been in more than one relationship before I even realized I was asexual.

It is not always selfishness that causes an asexual not to disclose their asexuality to their partner and I would venture to say probably not even mostly selfishness. Sexuality can be a complicated thing and its not always easy to know, in so many words, what one's sexuality is. In the case of asexuality I think its even more complicated because its a matter of figuring out if you feel something that you've never actually felt before. How does one know what sexual attraction feels like if one has never experienced it?

I don't know the details of your own situation, but I do caution against blanket statements. As important as it is for asexuals to try and understand things from a sexual's viewpoint, it is equally important for sexuals, especially those in relationships with asexuals, to try and understand things from an asexual's viewpoint.

I didnt mean to offend. Just very hurt at the moment. He knew he was asexual and let me make fool of self trying to umm attrack? him etc. I thought he was. He said he was just slow. He was a bit misleading. I realise not all asexuals like that, and would be difficult to disclose but wish he had earlier so I not stick large sexual foot in it.

[Sally]

I didnt mean to offend. Just very hurt at the moment. He knew he was asexual and let me make fool of self trying to umm attrack? him etc. I thought he was. He said he was just slow. He was a bit misleading. I realise not all asexuals like that, and would be difficult to disclose but wish he had earlier so I not stick large sexual foot in it.

It sounds like you're feeling a little embarassed. I think that may be a good part of the problem for a sexual who gets into an emotional relationship with someone who either doesn't say they're asexual, or doesn't know: the feeling of making a sexual overture to the asexual, and being turned down. It's natural that you feel hurt, and also that you're a bit angry. But don't let that color your attitude toward all asexuals, because as has been said, we don't all know we're actually asexual. I simply thought I was "doing it wrong" for years.

[NevadaWolf]

I don't think I would be at all interested with seeking out casual sex to fulfill it, because I want that deep emotional and romantic connection and trust. Sex is like the cherry on top of one big love cake for me. Without the cake, it's just a cherry. Fun and tasty for a second, but what's the context? The cake gives it personality and a back-story and lots more things to love. I mean, think about any other activity - baking, or watching movies, or whatever - would you have fun meeting with some random stranger to do those things? Sure, maybe. But wouldn't it be a loooot better with someone you love? Someone you can talk to and have a backstory with and inside jokes and that you already trust and care about? I just don't like the idea of casual sex, what with the risks and the impersonal-ness of it all.

Well now i feel like crap...

I've been asked before, and part of me has always wondered, would I be willing to "share" a guy I was interested in so he could fulfill his sexual needs without me. My answer, sure! It is not right and unfair of me to demand someone who is sexual give up that entire part of themselves just to be with me.

But I've always worried about the other woman. Would she develop a bond with him? Would she be ok just being a f*** buddy or would she want the whole deal? On the other hand, I do live in Nevada and outside of two counties, prostitution is legal. Would I give the oddest gift certificates from a girlfriend to her boyfriend just so he can get the release he needs?

I always thought of me, unwilling to compromise, and of "her" who could eventually decide she's tired of just having sex and not the emotional connection. Never once did I think of him. :(

I fell into the whole image of sex is just sex for guys, a physical act, while for women it is the emotional connection. Never once crossed my mine that a guy might also want that emotional/spiritual connection with his partner. Never once had it explained from that angle that might also apply to the guy. Shit. Thanks Birdie for putting it in such a way that there is more than just the act, and that a partnership is just that, a union in mind, body, heart, and soul.

:shouts from rooftop:

Sorry sexual guys, I totally failed to give you any credit and seriously undervalued your feelings in a relationship!

I'm going to go crawl into my little ace cave, cuddle my kitty cat, and try to beat that false stereotype out of my head. :(

[Neighbor]

Big fan of that last post, NevadaWolf.

[SFX]

Well now i feel like crap...

I've been asked before, and part of me has always wondered, would I be willing to "share" a guy I was interested in so he could fulfill his sexual needs without me. My answer, sure! It is not right and unfair of me to demand someone who is sexual give up that entire part of themselves just to be with me.

But I've always worried about the other woman. Would she develop a bond with him? Would she be ok just being a f*** buddy or would she want the whole deal? On the other hand, I do live in Nevada and outside of two counties, prostitution is legal. Would I give the oddest gift certificates from a girlfriend to her boyfriend just so he can get the release he needs?

I always thought of me, unwilling to compromise, and of "her" who could eventually decide she's tired of just having sex and not the emotional connection. Never once did I think of him. :(

I fell into the whole image of sex is just sex for guys, a physical act, while for women it is the emotional connection. Never once crossed my mine that a guy might also want that emotional/spiritual connection with his partner. Never once had it explained from that angle that might also apply to the guy. Shit. Thanks Birdie for putting it in such a way that there is more than just the act, and that a partnership is just that, a union in mind, body, heart, and soul.

:shouts from rooftop:

Sorry sexual guys, I totally failed to give you any credit and seriously undervalued your feelings in a relationship!

I'm going to go crawl into my little ace cave, cuddle my kitty cat, and try to beat that false stereotype out of my head. :(

No need to feel like crap.. While it's true that the 'guys want sex for the physical pleasure, women want it for emotional connection' and the somewhat similar 'guys want sex all the time, women just do it to please them' stereotypes are still all too common and both are rather sexist and very damaging for both men and women, it's encouraging to see more and more people realize that most of the time reality just doesn't work that way. It's also not easy to admit that one's view of a certain subject was somewhat skewed, so well done to you!

[Member33070]

x

[NevadaWolf]

Now I totally feel like I hijacked the thread, but I guess it's still about making an asexy/sexy relationship work.

I've always understood my physical attraction to someone, but for me it just felt like a need to be close to them, be within their aura, just be as close as physically possible. But there was never the urge to do anything more, so I (mistakenly) assumed it was the same, though the line between "close" and "too close" was what was different between me and them. Like some people will like kissing with tongue or no tongue, but there was overall no real difference.

So, going from that mindset, I never really thought that there was a difference between having sex with a partner and having sex with a stranger. The physical end result was the same. Err, now I get it.

Now I am really going to have to think about the conversation that me and any potential partners will have when it comes to a compromise. Again, I do not believe it is fair or right for me to demand that someone give up something that is part of their core makeup just to satisfy me. But, masturbating or having sex with a f*** buddy, lacks that connection. Is it fair for me to put that restriction onto a person? Or do I find a couple willing to have a polyamorous relationship?

Definitely a lot to think about. I am more than willing to put up with sharing, but would my partner also be? He is the one I would worry about because it would be his needs that are not being met.

[Sally]

All of the above is why it's really unrealistic to put any kind of restrictions on your partner. You can't police their actions, let along their feelings. All you can do is say "I really don't want to participate in a relationship where XXX happens." Then they know how you feel.

The above is knowledge gained after I messed up royally throughout a long relationship, thinking I could keep my partner from doing things that hurt me but which he wanted/needed to do.

[Guest]

Now I totally feel like I hijacked the thread, but I guess it's still about making an asexy/sexy relationship work.

I've always understood my physical attraction to someone, but for me it just felt like a need to be close to them, be within their aura, just be as close as physically possible. But there was never the urge to do anything more, so I (mistakenly) assumed it was the same, though the line between "close" and "too close" was what was different between me and them. Like some people will like kissing with tongue or no tongue, but there was overall no real difference.

So, going from that mindset, I never really thought that there was a difference between having sex with a partner and having sex with a stranger. The physical end result was the same. Err, now I get it.

Now I am really going to have to think about the conversation that me and any potential partners will have when it comes to a compromise. Again, I do not believe it is fair or right for me to demand that someone give up something that is part of their core makeup just to satisfy me. But, masturbating or having sex with a f*** buddy, lacks that connection. Is it fair for me to put that restriction onto a person? Or do I find a couple willing to have a polyamorous relationship?

Definitely a lot to think about. I am more than willing to put up with sharing, but would my partner also be? He is the one I would worry about because it would be his needs that are not being met.

I'm so impressed with all this... the sex/emotional connection thing is really hard to grasp if you haven't experienced it, or in Sally's case, watched people experience it... and even then its a pretty weird concept to wrap your head around.

It's good to think about how your partner feels, but in the end it's up to them to decide -- and communicate -- what they want and what they're willing to compromise on. There are definitely people out there who would be OK with an open relationship. Yes, the fact that he'll only be having sex with the 3rd party and not the primary partner is unusual, but I have no doubt that there are at least some people who would be OK with it. Will they fall in love with their 3rd? Maybe. But there's no guarantees in strictly monogamous relationships either... things can fall apart for all kinds of reasons, people have affairs, people change...

In any case, everyone has a right to define their own relationship terms. That means that partner A can't tell partner B what they will or won't be comfortable with. Lady Heartily, I think your boyfriend crossed this line when he refused to allow you to compromise. Maybe he could tell that you weren't sincere in the offer, in which case I withdraw my criticism, but otherwise, it's not up to him to decide what you are and are not comfortable trying. All we can do is lay our cards on the table and hope that the other person will lay out all their cards. Maybe between all your cards you'll find a decent hand to play and maybe you won't, but until everyone is open and honest, you'll never know.