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How can a sexual-asexual relationship ever work at all?


RomanticGirl

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TMI warning....

This is a question for sexuals. Imagine you have an asexual partner. Actually i would like to ask this question to the MALE sexuals most of all, as I am a romantic asexual woman myself.

In my case.... even though it's more a hormonal situation but anyway.... I'm totally grossed out by sex, I don't ever want to experience it, even talking about it makes me feel extremely frustrated, BUT ..... I DO want to consider compromises. You may have a sexpartner, you may masturbate and watch porn, you can do anything you want, as long you do not force me to have sex with you.

How do you react? What would be the best compromise for you? A compromise means, something that makes as well you AS the asexual partner happy.

PS: Some asexuals do have sex, but some thers like me feel too bad about it, even just thinking about it...

So, imagine you felt in love with a woman like me, and she has the personality you dream of, except one thing: She can be perfectly happy without sex, and will be unhappy if she'll be forced to have sex with her partner....

Would you consider to have a sexpartner besides your relationship, or would you be happy enough with masturbating and watching porn, or maybe there are other compromises??

I have read so many stories between sexual-asexual partners, which made me come to the same conclusion again and again: TALK with each other to find the best compromise that makes you feel both happy. When you love someone, you want to make them happy, but that doesn't mean sacrificing yourself, as well for the sexual partner as the asexual partner, and every person is also different in finding the right compromise...

So, what would your compromise be? Just curious.

Anyhow, i'm either staying single or keep trying to find an asexual man..... The question of this topic always frustrates me.... I need some answers please.... Thanx! :unsure:

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I'm a sexual male currently infatuated with an asexual female (I think she likes me back, romantically, I just need to get the balls to ask her out on a date. Anyway...). To be honest, I'm unsure how I'd go about it. I only know that I'm willing to try for the girl I like. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out - but she's worth the attempt. Ideal situation for me, barring a compromise in when we occasionally have sex (I'm low libido, I could deal with it just every month or so), is one in which I'm romantically monogamous, but am allowed to have sex with other people (ensuring the sex is safe of course). I would try for a while being completely abstinent though, as I like being completely monogamous (just preference, I support polygamy for those who want it), but I don't think it would work out like that forever.

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The Great WTF

I'm in a relationship with a sexual male going on two years and he has been a saint in dealing with me. I am willing to compromise on sex, it's not a big deal to me, but it's not my favorite thing and he will never force me if I don't want it. We have an open relationship, but he has never chosen to act on it despite my recent bout of abstinence due to illness. (endometriosis + sex = OUCH)

He is high libido, but he is also very understanding and surprisingly patient with my total lack of libido. It all depends on the guy, I guess. Most of his friends call him a moron.

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I'm in a relationship with an asexual who compromises on sex. My feelings may change in the future, but for now, I do not want an open relationship. It was suggested to me once and I freaked out... it really hurt my feelings and upset me very much. I do masturbate and I watch porn... those things have different purposes and don't exactly fulfill the needs of sex with my partner, since I'd do them whether or not I was having sex with my partner. If I dated someone who said "you can't masturbate if we have an active sex life", I'd leave them... so the whole "you can masturbate as much as you want" thing isn't really much of a compromise, you see. People are allowed to masturbate as much as they want regardless.

Personally, your extreme aversion to sex, the language you use to talk about it, and the repeated mention of forcing you to have sex... for me, all of that would be enough to keep me out of a relationship with you, because I wouldn't feel that my sexuality and all the emotions I have tied to sexuality would be understood and respected. Its one thing to not have much (or, I guess, any) sex, but it's a whole other thing to be hostile to sex, and for me personally, I think that's where I'd draw a line. It probably sounds really dumb and judgmental to you, but it can be emotionally devastating when the person who you desire more than anything in the world is downright hostile to your desires.

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Being romantically monogamous and having a "sexpartner", while perhaps the perfect fantasy scenario, doesn't always work out the way you think it will. The third party may want the whole thing; why would they be content with just sex and no romance? The second party (the sexual, in this case) may fall in love/grow very emotionally close with the sex partner. You don't know what will happen until it happens.

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To SkulleryMaid; Thats why I said I will either stay single or look for an asexual man, because I don't ever want to have sex. Now I'm leaved with even more frustrations here as your comment makes it sound like, if an asexual doesn't want to have sex and feels miserable because of it, he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual? That sounds selfish. That's why I want to stay single or look for an asexual partner. I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

But like I said, it's different for everyone. I have known someone, a woman, who is romantic asexual like me, she's been married to a sexual partner, he had enough with watching porn and masturbating, and if sex would be nvolved it owuld only be 'rubbing', but no penetration (I would be okay with that too) but after about ten years he cheated on her, only for the sex.

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I'm feeling depressed now. Someone please give me cake.....

---

Besides, your comment makes me feel like you want to tell me "my penis will heal you". i'm not going to feel better by performing sex. i will feel worse. i have been there, done that. felt miserable every time, even suicidle sometimes, just to feel like living in a sex-obsessed-world... I want to be respected for being asexual. Sexuals never seem to get to give me that feeling. Im just saying how I feel here... Im sorry Im so hostile about sex, but thats just me, ok?

How can I help it?????

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I don't have a penis. But if I did, I bet it would have magical healing powers!!

J/k, j/k. :)

I don't think you should have to have sex! I never once said that. I also never said you'd feel better performing sex acts. Show me where I said anything even remotely like that. Show me where I said "he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual".

Listen. Sexuals don't have to accept a sexless life. That doesn't make them jerks, and it doesn't mean that they want you to have sex against your will, or that the want you to have sex, period. They just maybe want a relationship that involves sex. If I go out with a girl who refuses to watch movies, I will stop dating her. I really, really like movies. That doesn't mean that I think all people should be forced to watch movies, or that people who don't watch movies are worse than people who do watch movies. Nope. Please, by all means go find someone else who also hates movies, and I'll go find someone who loves movies, and that'll be that.

All I said was that, while its fine that you have a disdain for sex, you have to understand that for a sexual, there's a lot of emotion tied up in sex, so disdain for sex sometimes feels like disdain for the emotions included with the sex. I'm not saying you, me, asexuals, or sexuals are bad, or that anyone is worse than anyone else... but that the difference in perspective is so great that it'd be hard to bridge the gap.

Don't be sorry for feeling hostile!! I don't care and it certainly doesn't offend me. You asked a very specific question about how a sexual (which I am) would respond to you personally given your feelings and your offered compromises. I answered your question. I'm sorry that you don't like my answer.

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oops.. thought you were a male.... <clears voice> :redface:

I just often FEEL like.... reading between someones words it just always, to me, sounds like... I have to have sex, no matter if I want it or not.

Perhaps its between my ears ? .. I have a major fear about sex... I can't get rid of this fear, plus that I also think its a disgusting thing to do... sex..ugh.. Why.. why do people do it? i never understood it and I still don't understand it.

Well, that's why I suggested the compromise for a sexual partner to have a sexpartner, outside his relationship with an asexual partner (but doesnt ignore the romantic needs of the asexual partner then either).

I guess it's just not easy for every sexual-asexual relationship. Of course... the relationships that Do work well... they wouldn't come to Aven, because there are no problems to talk about.. 8) But all I know is...... if someone wants to have this relationship and want it to work..... talk talk talk with each other, and try to find a compromise that fits best for both partners.

Hell, I'm staying single though. I think to make a relationship work, you need to be on the same wavelength, and I think sexuality as well, or asexuality :P , as there is already the rush of every day, and if both partners want to relax, and it already gives a fight about sex, or not sex, or whatever.... I've seen also at the Dutch aven forum... it really is a rare thing for such relationships to work.

So, I was wandering which compromises it COULD be.. that make those rare relationships work .. :unsure:

Can someone name up a few please if possible?

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I am a repulsed female bodied asexual in a relationship with a sexual man for more than 4 years now...

We had our ups and downs, it's been hard I won't hide it, but we love each other.

Sexually, of course, I never removed my pants in his presence XD

The compromise is, I give him hand jobs and blow jobs from time to time.

I don't mind hand jobs, I even kinna like it making him happy ^-^

For blow jobs, it depends, sometimes I don't mind, other times it's a chore, and sometimes I am uterly repulsed by it, so I try to do it as much as possible when I feel I don't mind... overall it's about once a week.

I think it helps that he likes porn (less job for me).

Nowdays, we are at a point in our relationship where we are looking at the possibility to have some kind of "fuck friend" or something... He angst about "not touching female organs EVER again" in his lifetime, and in fact, I am the one most enthousiastic by the idea, less job for me, plus I am a huge hug monster and he hates it if I cuddle him too much without the intention of doing "more", so a hug-kiss female friend he would't be jealous of because he can have sex with her sounds perfect to me ^-^ Downside, we have yet to find such a person XD

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ohmygawd... blowjobs.... NO option for me... always about to trow up even thinking about it... :excl:

Damn. one compromise less.

handjob, ok, but i like to give it on the pants, not the fleshy. :unsure:

Still difficult. Very difficult. I'm the one being difficult probably. LOL

You know what also keeps my mind occupied? A sexual partner will long more and more for his asexual partner.... thus wants sex one day... :blink:

Pffffffft, I need an asexual man..... so hard to find.... :(

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I think for some people, an open relationship would work. It's all about finding the right person who matches what you want.

My partner and I have sex about once every 3 weeks... but sometimes its just one of us masturbating while the other one is there, kissing... "assisted masturbation" I call it. That's the best compromise option I have in my back pocket.

Understanding each other is most important. My partner and I try... and I think for the most part succeed... in understanding each others' feelings. The sexual needs to understand that their partner's love isn't tied to sex, and the asexual partner needs to understand that the sexual partner really does feel love with sex (and that no one except rapists want to have sex with an unwilling partner).

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Understanding each other is most important. My partner and I try... and I think for the most part succeed... in understanding each others' feelings. The sexual needs to understand that their partner's love isn't tied to sex, and the asexual partner needs to understand that the sexual partner really does feel love with sex (and that no one except rapists want to have sex with an unwilling partner).

<<clicks the invisible 'like' button>> :)

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In response to the original post, no, I would never accept a relationship in which there was a significant and problematic libido imbalance ever again. I did it once, for love, and after a few years, I was completely miserable and in severe self-image trouble, but too invested to easily leave. I don't regret the relationship - I loved him very much - but I wouldn't do it again.

P.

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Hello! (waving hand) I'm a romantic asexual woman in a 3 year relationship with a sexual man and i do compromise with "sex"/outerourse (no oral sex,anal sex or vaginal sex). Yes this is an issue in our relationship because my boyfriend loves vaginal and oral sex and he doesn't want an open relationship.

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Lady Heartilly

Wow, RomanticGirl, you just sound so much like me that it's uncanny! Every time I read one of your posts in this thread, I was like "YES! EXACTLY!!!" :cake: :cake: :cake: for you!

I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

Yup, yup, yup! Those are all things I love too! I think that's something else that makes it so frustrating for an asexual and a sexual. If the asexual partner, say, hardly even wanted to be touched, the temptation wouldn't be there for the sexual. Yet, when we do all of those things, it just makes them want sex more and more until they can't stand it anymore! At least, this has been my experience. And it's usually not enough, then, to say that your partner can have sex with someone else because you're the one displaying all this sensual affection and showering him (or her) with love and making him want you to the point where being with anyone else would feel like a betrayal! It's like we just can't win!

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I feel this way too. I don't get how that ONE THING can make or break a relationship. It'd been explained to me in ways that logically make sense, but there's a part of me that will never fully understand it because I just can't relate. I get if there are multiple things you don't like about your partner and they just add up until you have to break it off, but sex is just one facet of a relationship and . . . I know if I keep going I'm just going to get another response about how important it is for sexuals and how they can't feel loved or wanted without it, so I'm just going to stop right here. Like I said, on one level, I do understand those things, but on a deeper level, I never will, no matter how many times they are explained. I guess you could say I'm a lost cause.

ohmygawd... blowjobs.... NO option for me... always about to trow up even thinking about it... :excl:

Damn. one compromise less.

handjob, ok, but i like to give it on the pants, not the fleshy. :unsure:

Still difficult. Very difficult. I'm the one being difficult probably. LOL

You know what also keeps my mind occupied? A sexual partner will long more and more for his asexual partner.... thus wants sex one day... :blink:

Pffffffft, I need an asexual man..... so hard to find.... :(

Yep. I completely agree with all of that too. Oral sex seems more icktastic to me than even intercourse.

I realize this is going to be absolutely no help to you whatsoever, but my last boyfriend refused to work any sort of sexual compromise with me because he cared about me so much. I offered him sex numerous times even though I'm just as squicked out by it as you are because it sounded like that was the only way he'd stay with me, but all he would do was turn me down. He said he'd never be able to forgive himself for doing that to me after knowing how I feel about it, and having those sort of relations with someone else while he was still dating me was completely out of the question. I gave him every option I could think of, and he turned them all down and ultimately broke up with me because he said it was too painful to love me as much as he did and still want sex with me while knowing how I felt about it. He just wanted to stop feeling guilty. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before and I think more than I'm capable of ever loving anyone else because he never gave in to doing something that he knew would hurt me. He understood. Like you, I just want someone who can understand, but if that someone is sexual, he'll just end up leaving me again. *sigh* If only it were easier for us to find asexual men.

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RomanticGirl, because of you disgust of sex, you might try finding and nurturing a platonic relationship with someone who is comfortable with cuddles and whatnot.

I had a great gay friend who was in a relationship already and both of them were fine with me being a cuddle slut because I'm the ace.

But, if you do fall for someone who has a straight sex drive, you are going to have to talk with him and work out what is best for you two. While you may get great ideas here, unless he is willing, they won't work.

I would like to offer a possible approach which may help. You are disgusted by sex and that is ok. But when telling your future mate, try hard to see things from his side. You may not believe it is important but he may. And if you want him to work with you, you will have to work with him.

We aces ask a lot in our partners to reduce or give up sex for our love and relationships. But just as they have to make a sacrifice so must we. When you meet him, listen to him as well. You will find a balance that won't leave either of you living under an ultimatum.

It does work, promise. Its not easy or ideal, but communication is a really big key to success.

Good luck!! :)

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I just want to say good luck too. I think it's a positive for you that you know what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship already. That you would rather not be with someone unless they fit the bill, also sounds like a step in the right direction. Don't be depressed...at least you are clearly aware of your own needs and desires, and that's a good start. There are a lot of good comments and ideas in the thread too. :cake:

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... but sometimes its just one of us masturbating while the other one is there, kissing... "assisted masturbation" I call it. That's the best compromise option I have in my back pocket.

I think this is an excellent option and have found it comes quite naturally in the context of an intense cuddling session ... I don't mind giving a handjob either, but I'm not exactly skilled at it so it can get a bit frustrating :ph34r: A combination of the two seems to work quite well though.

Understanding each other is most important. My partner and I try... and I think for the most part succeed... in understanding each others' feelings. The sexual needs to understand that their partner's love isn't tied to sex, and the asexual partner needs to understand that the sexual partner really does feel love with sex (and that no one except rapists want to have sex with an unwilling partner).

*nods furiously*

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purplefeather

To SkulleryMaid; Thats why I said I will either stay single or look for an asexual man, because I don't ever want to have sex. Now I'm leaved with even more frustrations here as your comment makes it sound like, if an asexual doesn't want to have sex and feels miserable because of it, he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual? That sounds selfish. That's why I want to stay single or look for an asexual partner. I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

But like I said, it's different for everyone. I have known someone, a woman, who is romantic asexual like me, she's been married to a sexual partner, he had enough with watching porn and masturbating, and if sex would be nvolved it owuld only be 'rubbing', but no penetration (I would be okay with that too) but after about ten years he cheated on her, only for the sex.

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I'm feeling depressed now. Someone please give me cake.....

---

Besides, your comment makes me feel like you want to tell me "my penis will heal you". i'm not going to feel better by performing sex. i will feel worse. i have been there, done that. felt miserable every time, even suicidle sometimes, just to feel like living in a sex-obsessed-world... I want to be respected for being asexual. Sexuals never seem to get to give me that feeling. Im just saying how I feel here... Im sorry Im so hostile about sex, but thats just me, ok?

How can I help it?????

Sorry pressed wrong button

any way um, It is very hard for me as a sexual to go through all the kissing, cuddling etc without the sex, its like priming something and then leaving it - no finale. Sorry but not all sexuals selfish. I have never had sex with my new partner, I dont want it if he feels its a comprimise. I want sex to be something we share, to feel closer. I was decieved, I didnt know he was asexual until after I had committed my heart to the relationship. In some ways I think some asexuals are very selfish cause they dont disclose their asexuality until way into the relationship or even married. I think that by wanting close relationships with partners with out any form of sex is well selfish - I cant have sex outside relationship, not my thing, and not far to number 3 person, masturbation is not sex, sorry it makes things worse really, Its not nice to be thought of as dirty or sex maniac for a natural drive, it is natural cause otherwise we wouldnt have babies to continue our species. Sorry to offend, maybe someday Ill think different.

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To SkulleryMaid; Thats why I said I will either stay single or look for an asexual man, because I don't ever want to have sex. Now I'm leaved with even more frustrations here as your comment makes it sound like, if an asexual doesn't want to have sex and feels miserable because of it, he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual? That sounds selfish. That's why I want to stay single or look for an asexual partner. I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

But like I said, it's different for everyone. I have known someone, a woman, who is romantic asexual like me, she's been married to a sexual partner, he had enough with watching porn and masturbating, and if sex would be nvolved it owuld only be 'rubbing', but no penetration (I would be okay with that too) but after about ten years he cheated on her, only for the sex.

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I'm feeling depressed now. Someone please give me cake.....

---

Besides, your comment makes me feel like you want to tell me "my penis will heal you". i'm not going to feel better by performing sex. i will feel worse. i have been there, done that. felt miserable every time, even suicidle sometimes, just to feel like living in a sex-obsessed-world... I want to be respected for being asexual. Sexuals never seem to get to give me that feeling. Im just saying how I feel here... Im sorry Im so hostile about sex, but thats just me, ok?

How can I help it?????

Sorry pressed wrong button

any way um, It is very hard for me as a sexual to go through all the kissing, cuddling etc without the sex, its like priming something and then leaving it - no finale. Sorry but not all sexuals selfish. I have never had sex with my new partner, I dont want it if he feels its a comprimise. I want sex to be something we share, to feel closer. I was decieved, I didnt know he was asexual until after I had committed my heart to the relationship. In some ways I think some asexuals are very selfish cause they dont disclose their asexuality until way into the relationship or even married. I think that by wanting close relationships with partners with out any form of sex is well selfish - I cant have sex outside relationship, not my thing, and not far to number 3 person, masturbation is not sex, sorry it makes things worse really, Its not nice to be thought of as dirty or sex maniac for a natural drive, it is natural cause otherwise we wouldnt have babies to continue our species. Sorry to offend, maybe someday Ill think different.

Do keep in mind that in may situations, the asexual may not know that they are asexual until the point that they do disclose it. I know in my case, and my story is not unusual, I didn't know I was asexual until I had committed to my partner at the time. We were many months into the relationship and the emotional connection between us was all ready there. Before that, I had been in more than one relationship before I even realized I was asexual.

It is not always selfishness that causes an asexual not to disclose their asexuality to their partner and I would venture to say probably not even mostly selfishness. Sexuality can be a complicated thing and its not always easy to know, in so many words, what one's sexuality is. In the case of asexuality I think its even more complicated because its a matter of figuring out if you feel something that you've never actually felt before. How does one know what sexual attraction feels like if one has never experienced it?

I don't know the details of your own situation, but I do caution against blanket statements. As important as it is for asexuals to try and understand things from a sexual's viewpoint, it is equally important for sexuals, especially those in relationships with asexuals, to try and understand things from an asexual's viewpoint.

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In some ways I think some asexuals are very selfish cause they dont disclose their asexuality until way into the relationship or even married. I think that by wanting close relationships with partners with out any form of sex is well selfish - I cant have sex outside relationship, not my thing, and not far to number 3 person, masturbation is not sex, sorry it makes things worse really, Its not nice to be thought of as dirty or sex maniac for a natural drive, it is natural cause otherwise we wouldnt have babies to continue our species. Sorry to offend, maybe someday Ill think different.

As Vampy says, please reconsider those blanket statements. I had sexual relationships with sexuals for many years before I even heard about asexuality; then I realized that's what I was. I was doing it for my partners' sake. We don't all think of you as dirty or sex maniacs; from what I've read on AVEN from asexuals who've actually had relationships with sexuals, it's been the sexuals who've assumed that's what we think. Of course sex is a natural drive, for those who are sexual. For those who are not sexually attracted to others, that's natural also. "Natural" (or "normal") means what is natural to you as an individual.

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Being romantically monogamous and having a "sexpartner", while perhaps the perfect fantasy scenario, doesn't always work out the way you think it will. The third party may want the whole thing; why would they be content with just sex and no romance? The second party (the sexual, in this case) may fall in love/grow very emotionally close with the sex partner. You don't know what will happen until it happens.

This :lol:

I can't accept an open relationship. A sexual-asexual relationship works? No, I don't think so. Because I am afraid that one day I go home and see my partner having sex with a stranger and he says " my dear, I love you but I love having sex with her". That will kill me.

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stuff

You know, I'm sure that most people are probably like that at least to some degree. But when it's all spelled out like that, for some reason... it just became a rather depressing realization to someone like myself :/

Sign that it's time to sleep, methinks...

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I'm going to stop watching this topic. It's giving me rape-nightmares.... :(

I'd rather be single, eventhough i'm already 28 and never had a relationship, I only experimented once with a sexual man who understood my asexuality, but also because he wanted sex it never grown into a relationship and we're just friends. I'm either staying single, or keep looking for an asexual man. No hair on my head will ever think of trying a relationship with a sexual person. No way !!!!!!!

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To SkulleryMaid; Thats why I said I will either stay single or look for an asexual man, because I don't ever want to have sex. Now I'm leaved with even more frustrations here as your comment makes it sound like, if an asexual doesn't want to have sex and feels miserable because of it, he/she still 'has' to have sex because the needs of the sexual person seems to be 'more important' then the sex-less world of an asexual? That sounds selfish. That's why I want to stay single or look for an asexual partner. I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

But like I said, it's different for everyone. I have known someone, a woman, who is romantic asexual like me, she's been married to a sexual partner, he had enough with watching porn and masturbating, and if sex would be nvolved it owuld only be 'rubbing', but no penetration (I would be okay with that too) but after about ten years he cheated on her, only for the sex.

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I'm feeling depressed now. Someone please give me cake.....

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Besides, your comment makes me feel like you want to tell me "my penis will heal you". i'm not going to feel better by performing sex. i will feel worse. i have been there, done that. felt miserable every time, even suicidle sometimes, just to feel like living in a sex-obsessed-world... I want to be respected for being asexual. Sexuals never seem to get to give me that feeling. Im just saying how I feel here... Im sorry Im so hostile about sex, but thats just me, ok?

How can I help it?????

ur rt in evry sense usually the needs of asexuals are ignored over sexuals. while sex is their need not doing it our need. the truth is that like a gay finds a gay a lesb finds a lesb & a sexual a sexual a asexual shuld find a asexual. A asexual who is opposed to the idea of doing sex should preferably not get into a relationship with a sexual. its a blunt truth but the truth. i hope there were more asexuals around to find compatibility with.

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Wow, RomanticGirl, you just sound so much like me that it's uncanny! Every time I read one of your posts in this thread, I was like "YES! EXACTLY!!!" :cake: :cake: :cake: for you!

I know sexual people have their needs, and so do I, I love kissing, cuddling, I even like it wild, passionately, sensually..groping, touching, stroking, as long there is no sex involved into it. So, for ME, how can I solve it, AND keep a sexual partner happy (IF I would ever date a sexual person..)

Yup, yup, yup! Those are all things I love too! I think that's something else that makes it so frustrating for an asexual and a sexual. If the asexual partner, say, hardly even wanted to be touched, the temptation wouldn't be there for the sexual. Yet, when we do all of those things, it just makes them want sex more and more until they can't stand it anymore! At least, this has been my experience. And it's usually not enough, then, to say that your partner can have sex with someone else because you're the one displaying all this sensual affection and showering him (or her) with love and making him want you to the point where being with anyone else would feel like a betrayal! It's like we just can't win!

Why why is sex so god damn important...... I wish it never excisted. i wish I didn't write this topic. can you sexuals understand my frustrations? i understand your frustrations too, you know, but I always feel like sexuals put their own needs on the first place, and I just have to 'adapt' myself...

I feel this way too. I don't get how that ONE THING can make or break a relationship. It'd been explained to me in ways that logically make sense, but there's a part of me that will never fully understand it because I just can't relate. I get if there are multiple things you don't like about your partner and they just add up until you have to break it off, but sex is just one facet of a relationship and . . . I know if I keep going I'm just going to get another response about how important it is for sexuals and how they can't feel loved or wanted without it, so I'm just going to stop right here. Like I said, on one level, I do understand those things, but on a deeper level, I never will, no matter how many times they are explained. I guess you could say I'm a lost cause.

ohmygawd... blowjobs.... NO option for me... always about to trow up even thinking about it... :excl:

Damn. one compromise less.

handjob, ok, but i like to give it on the pants, not the fleshy. :unsure:

Still difficult. Very difficult. I'm the one being difficult probably. LOL

You know what also keeps my mind occupied? A sexual partner will long more and more for his asexual partner.... thus wants sex one day... :blink:

Pffffffft, I need an asexual man..... so hard to find.... :(

Yep. I completely agree with all of that too. Oral sex seems more icktastic to me than even intercourse.

I realize this is going to be absolutely no help to you whatsoever, but my last boyfriend refused to work any sort of sexual compromise with me because he cared about me so much. I offered him sex numerous times even though I'm just as squicked out by it as you are because it sounded like that was the only way he'd stay with me, but all he would do was turn me down. He said he'd never be able to forgive himself for doing that to me after knowing how I feel about it, and having those sort of relations with someone else while he was still dating me was completely out of the question. I gave him every option I could think of, and he turned them all down and ultimately broke up with me because he said it was too painful to love me as much as he did and still want sex with me while knowing how I felt about it. He just wanted to stop feeling guilty. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before and I think more than I'm capable of ever loving anyone else because he never gave in to doing something that he knew would hurt me. He understood. Like you, I just want someone who can understand, but if that someone is sexual, he'll just end up leaving me again. *sigh* If only it were easier for us to find asexual men.

these type of relationships r emotionally painful for both partners

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But it's a two-way street, somewhat. If the rapist doesn't know that the other person is uncomfortable or doesn't want sex, they might keep going with things thinking that everything is okay. It's important to speak up before things progress that far, and not play along.

Wowza!

Lucinda

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