Curiousity is killing me!

[HoffyBunny]

Okay so I was a virgin (What I consider a virgin) Until I was 25, I seriously have never admitted that to anyone, except my therapist, and I hate to even admit it to myself. I was molested at 14, raped at 16, and sexually assaulted (not raped) at 20. These were all done by men, and though I have memories of being attracted to females and experimenting a bit when I was 13 with one girl, I have never had much past a FANTASY of actually being in a hetero relationship with a man. I have been with a girl, aout 2 years ago, who I gave myself to completely and she ended up breaking my heart. I do masturbate, and I do enjoy it, but when I was with this girl she could never make me orgasm, even though I loved her, found her attractive, and all that nice stuff. The break up was messy and I have only been with one other person since (I am 27 now). Now before I did meet this girl, my therapist suggested to me that I could be asexual, which for some reason horrified me and still does. I am not saying it's wrong, as I openly admit to having many fetishes that others would find insanely weird or even disgusting. As the years passed and I still had no romantic partner my therapist pushed the asexuality idea on me more and more. I was adamant that I wasn't one. Then i had sex and she totally dropped the issue. The thing was, like I said, though it felt really good, I never EVER orgasmed from it, even when I randomly hooked up with the girl I did a year ago. It was nice, I didn't mind it, but I ended up having to finish the job myself.

Now, on top of this, I find sex to be extremely awkward. Even before I got with my ex GF I always wondered how people can have sex and then be able to look at each other in the morning without shame or anything being awkward. I avoid sex with another person because for one, I have never orgasmed from it, and for two I find it so weird and almost embarrassing. I am absolutely terrified to have sex with a man, save for a few (Not so well known) male celebrities that I fantasize about. Even if given the actual chance to have sex with one of them, like if one showed up at my door right now and said "Lets go have wild kinky sex" I would turn them down, I am almost 100% sure of that. I don't even actively seek out sex, but like I said, I enjoy masturbation and flirting. I am not a person who truly likes to cuddle, except when I am seriously in the mood for it, or am totally in love with the person who wants to cuddle. Near the end of the relationship with my ex I didn't even want to be in the same bed as her, because it disgusted me and made me uncomfortable.

Does this make me asexual? Because I honestly don't want to be, I want to fall in love and find a partner and be with someone. The thought of being alone my whole life and just accepting the fact that I am messed up bothers the hell out of me.

I would like to also emphasize that I don't think that asexuality is wrong, or that there is something wrong with any of your guys here. It's like, I dunno, when you absolutely detest a food but you accept the fact that other people like it and don't stop them from eating said food. Like I said, I have fetishes, I definitely have things that turn me on, yet I am very adverse to engaging in sexual activities with anyone. I find it easier to just pleasure myself, cause I know what i want and I can't let myself down, if that makes sense. I have sex dreams, dreams that are so intense and real that i can feel, touch, taste, and smell the other people in my dreams that I am having sex with, whether it be male or female, my dreams don't discriminate like i do. I engage in a lot of erotic online RPGs and all of my fan fiction I write has some sort of sex in it. But I myself am very far from being sexually active.

I have spent my whole life trying to feel normal, or at least what I think other people's definition of normal are. It was a hard enough realization that I am a lesbian and that I would not have a normal home life with 2.5 kids and a husband like my two sisters. I was adopted and branded by my parents as a problem almost immediately, they were constantly putting me in therapy and trying to get me diagnosed with things I didn't even have....and as i have separated myself from them as much as possible, I still find this subconscious urge to conform and be normal. I know I never will be, and that saddens me but I have accepted it. My parents make a huge point of "being normal" and 'accepted" by society and they have shunned me from a young age and left me desperately trying to cope and find my own niche. Being asexual terrifies me as much as it terrifies me to get even the least bit overweight, even though the woman I am currently courting is obese and I find nothing wrong with her. It's all in my own head and I know it, is what I am saying, it's my hang up, not yours and I am happy that you guys have found acceptance here and a community. As for me I don't know how or where I even fit in and I am flailing desperately. Can anyone offer any words of comfort?

(sorry for the long post)

[Qutenkuddly]

I can relate on a few counts: first in that fantasy always seems a lot better than reality, second in that orgasm is something only achievable by oneself, and third in that the idea of spending life alone on account of my differences from hetero-normative is very, very daunting.

The thing that perhaps might guide your thinking is determining exactly what you want out of a relationship with another person. Do you actually want to enjoy sex with another or, if given your preference, would you rather have a partner who wouldn't put any sexual pressure on you? This is an important question to answer for yourself because, as many asexuals have discovered in relationships with sexuals, not actually wanting to have sex (i.e. just doing it for the benefit of their partners) can lead to a lot of difficulties.

As for comfort, at least you've now found a community of helpful and supportive people who can relate to a lot of your experiences and concerns. Even if you choose not to identify as asexual, you'll always be welcome to share and explore.

Welcome and enjoy the traditional !

[HoffyBunny]

Oh I badly want to enjoy sex with someone else, and not because I feel any outside pressure from anyone else. I long to feel that closeness, that connection, I mean I write about it constantly, I dream about it every night, I just want to be with someone who can make it happen. My Ex was very experienced in bed, and even she couldn't stimulate me enough, so what the hell kind of hope do I have? and I truly did LOVE her so I don't think emotional connection was a problem. It is just really frustrating to me. I want to be able to cuddle with someone for a long time, to be able to share a bed by choice, to be that close. But when it comes down to it I just feel so damn awkward about it and wonder if it might have something to do with the abuse I suffered. (Sexual from others and emotional from my parents)

Thanks for the cake!

[BrimleyMuffins]

I can offer only a couple.

First of all, being 'normal' is seriously overrated. Appearance, money, job, the 'right' kind of orientation, the 'right' amount of children, car, home, politics; it's all a bunch of bullshit. You could have the 'perfect' life and still feel every bit as out of place and strange and awkward as you feel right now. Contentment, happiness, and a feeling of belonging come only from within yourself. If you are miserable now you will continue to be miserable until you figure out what's going on within you. No material thing in this life will fix that. Be honest with yourself and be honest with others, and you will feel more at ease and content.

Second of all, you are more than a sum of your experiences and defined only by yourself. What happened to you, what you've done, what others have thought - it's all in the past. It's over, and it will never change. You look forward, you move forward, and you change the things you don't like. You seek solutions to those things that are problems. And you accept that no one is ever going to fix things if you choose not to.

And thirdly, and most straightforward, avoid classifying yourself at this point in time. It sounds to me that there are many more things going on that have the potential to kill your sex drive than simple orientation. I think a long and established relationship with a therapist you feel totally comfortable with, and are willing to be totally honest with, will help you sort things out and come to a place where you are comfortable with who and what you are. Whatever that may be. Love and trust are some of the most healing things this world has to offer.

The most important thing I can say is to love yourself, fully and without reservation. Don't nitpick, don't drag yourself down, and don't spend a single day without finding one thing that you love, that you are grateful for, and that gives you hope. I recommend prayer. Not because I am religious, but because the process is a wonderful exercise in clearing your mind, grabbing onto what is important, and feeling at peace.

I hope things improve for you.

[Naosuu]

Hi HoffyBunny. Welcome to AVEN

First, I'd like to say that it's a general rule of thumb on AVEN that no one can tell you whether you are asexual. We can, however, provide guidance. Please remember that only you can make conclusions about yourself. My reply is in no way prescriptive.

According to AVEN's definition of asexuality, an asexual is someone who doesn't feel any sexual attraction. Therefore, asexuals can (and are not limited to):

• Engage in sexual acts - kissing, mutual masturbation, penetrative sex, oral sex, anal, etc...
  
• Masturbate.
  
• Have fetishes (if you look around there's quite a few actually!).
  
• ... enjoy the above items.
  
• Feel romantically attracted to someone: opposite sex, same sex or no one. (hetero-romantic, homoromantic and aromantic respectively)
  
• Find a life partner and be in love.
  
• Have fantasies.
  
• Think about sex.
  

So maybe some questions to think about would be whether, in a relationship, you see sex as an integral/important part of your connection with your partner. In a hypothetical relationship, would you rather be having sex with your partner or would you rather not have sex at all?

I wish I could say more, but you've been through a lot. I think there's a lot more than simple "attraction?" going on here. On that note, I'd like to say that "being normal" is highly subjective. Look at any "normal" person and chances are they have at least one thing that most people don't do/feel/whatever. I wouldn't worry.

Keep your relationship open with your therapist... but I would take whatever they say about asexuality with a grain of salt. They only stopped pushing the idea when you had sex, which is not a defining fact for asexuals. They can, however, help you gain insight on other aspects of yourself.

I hope you find AVEN to be a safe place to explore yourself. =)

EDIT: whoops, forgot this...

A woman's body is a lot more complicated than a man's... from my understanding, it doesn't matter how experienced your partner is because only you know your hot spots. Communicating to your partner what feels good and what doesn't is integral to achieving an orgasm, especially for a woman.

[Qutenkuddly]

Oh I badly want to enjoy sex with someone else, and not because I feel any outside pressure from anyone else. I long to feel that closeness, that connection, I mean I write about it constantly, I dream about it every night, I just want to be with someone who can make it happen. My Ex was very experienced in bed, and even she couldn't stimulate me enough, so what the hell kind of hope do I have? and I truly did LOVE her so I don't think emotional connection was a problem. It is just really frustrating to me. I want to be able to cuddle with someone for a long time, to be able to share a bed by choice, to be that close. But when it comes down to it I just feel so damn awkward about it and wonder if it might have something to do with the abuse I suffered. (Sexual from others and emotional from my parents)

Thanks for the cake!

Then, yes, I'll agree with BrimelyMuffins; finding a good therapist who can help you overcome the difficulties you are having experiencing orgasm could help a long ways. I know that anxiety in relation to orgasm can be overcome, especially with the right partner; I was once in a relationship with a woman who experienced panic attacks upon approaching orgasm, but really, really wanted to experience them. It took a few months of work, going up to her limit and (perhaps most important) stopping when she needed me to, all with no pressure from me. Eventually, she got to a point that she could trust enough to enjoy orgasm and the panic attacks became less and less frequent. So, yes, this is something you could very well overcome.

[BrimleyMuffins]

I would like to second Qutenkuddly's comment and state rather bluntly that your therapist didn't sound very professional or helpful if she was trying to foster an orientation on you that obviously caused you distress. But that's just me.

[HoffyBunny]

I honestly think that I am really messed up.

For instance, one of my reoccurring dreams is of a woman (Lets call her Karen) who is actually a celebrity....one whom I admire very very much, I just don't want to get into who she is or what she's from. Anyway, in these dreams, which are amazingly stimulating and sexual she's more of a mother figure to me first and then a lover. Though I am very aware of adult babies and what that entails I do not desire that as my life style. I think my biggest problem is I am looking for someone to be my mother and my lover because of the simple fact that I have never felt like the woman I call "mother" has ever been any more than just a figure head in my life.

I mean i don't want anything to happen to her, and I love her to the extent of yeah she was what was supposed to be my mother, but in the end the maternal connection isn't there. In Karen I see this, I want this, and I desire this. In the dreams she listens to my problems, comforts me while I cry, and that turns into sex. Maybe I just have too much expectations for a partner, maybe i am too much of a perfectionist....I really don't know.

[BrimleyMuffins]

My father left when I was very young, and oftentimes my fantasies were of a strong male that will protect me and support me and be an overall fatherly figure. When my mother married my step-father, and we formed a very strong relationship, those fantasies changed.

I'm sorry to know that the support of your parents and especially your mother wasn't there. I can't imagine how devastating that is. The only thing I can say is that hopefully one day someone will enter your life who you trust enough to let them support you and give you the unconditional love that a parent should always be there to give.

[Mr. Shuttershy]

Hello, and welcome -you're new right?-

I want you to know that its ok to have anxieties about being asexual, or possibly. I avoided coming out to myself as asexual for a very long time; it made me feel that I would be broken. That I was inhuman. Worst of all it made me feel apathetic in a way. Until I realized that I don't define the label, it defines me. Being asexual wouldn't make me apathetic, because I was already asexual and I was surely not apathetic!

As you check topics more and more in here, you'll see the great debate on what romance is. To me, it sounds like you crave romance, not neccesarily sex, but feel that sex is an integral part of romance. Which, as a romantic asexual, one finds that love CAN exist sans the sex. I love a girl right now with my entire being. I want to wake up to her each morning. I want to provide for her when she is sick. Well, etc. But I would NOT have sex with her; unless she felt she needed it (but she is asexual and aromantic. So..) the point is. Romance is different for everyone, and for some sex isn't a part of it. Being asexual limits other asexual partners, but you aren't condemened to a life alone.

There are other options:

1. Sexual people that you compromise with

2. Sexuals with low libido: smaller compromise

Etc.

I think you'll find that love has no container.

Anyways. I am not telling you you are asexual. But if you find you want to talk, PM me : ). There's absolutely no rush to figure yourself out.

And, I just really want to say that you sound like a very brave person. And I admire that.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Can anyone offer any words of comfort?

Well, if you were a genius, would you go to a therapist looking for a lobotomy so you could be a Normal?

See, nothing you said in your post shocked me. You're not hurting anyone or yourself and you're not breaking any laws. I think it's more a case of YMMV ( your mileage may vary)-- I know for myself, I sure never found sex to be such a great glue for lasting relationships. When you think about it, how much time does an average couple spend as a percentage of their lifetimes having sexual relations?

Or as that line from an old sci-fi TV show went: "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."