Can you be asexual and still have sexual fantasies?

[anderobscure]

Some TMI stuff ahead, plus possible trigger warnings for non-con/dub-con.

Okay, so, I'm trying to sort out whether I'm grey-a or asexual, because I'm suddenly not sure. I know that you can be an asexual fetishist, and have fantasies about other people having sex (which is almost always the case for me), but does involving yourself at all in a sexual fantasy mean you're actually grey-a, even if you'd never be comfortable actually being in a situation like that?

There are two types of sexual fantasies I have where I'm actually involved, and both of them are pretty rare, but they do come up. In the first kind, it's just me pleasuring the other person, and they don't really touch me at all. I'm in complete control and I'm never on the receiving end of penetrative sex. In the second kind, I have no control at all, and it's usually a non-con or dub-con situation. The first kind is often dub/non-con, as well.

So, would these types of fantasies classify me more in the area of grey-a? Or is the fact that they both seem to have pretty heavy non-con/dub-con themes indicate that they're just a type of fetishism? Because I don't really have any desires to actually act out any of these fantasies with anyone. Kissing is the only thing I'm actively interested in. I've had some curiosity about blow-jobs, but it's less of a sexual thing for me and more of an experimental thing, to see what it's like and how the guy would respond.

Anyway. I'm just feeling a little bit confused. I've been calling myself grey-a for a while, because I feel like I can't be asexual because of these fantasies/feelings, but I'm wondering if I might be wrong.

[BadKarma]

I'm of the opinion that having frequent fantasies is kinda hypocritical, but others think it's just fine. My position on this is that if you have a "fantasy" insofar as you imagine what it might be like if you cared about it (like an anthropologist), then that's just a curious mind. If you have fantasies where you act out sexual desires, especially with specific people, then you may just be suppressing something.

I think it comes down to the frequency of these fantasies of yours, how vivid they actually are, and whether specific people are involved. Judging by your descriptions, I'd label you as one of the "benign fantasizers". And considering that you're Gray, I'd say there's really no issue at all in your case.

Even then, remember that in the strictest understanding of the term, asexuality simply means that you don't have sexual attraction for people. It doesn't mean that you can't have sex, or that you can't enjoy the act of it, or that you can't occasionally wonder about it. Usually none of those things will occur in an ace's life, but the fact that they sometimes do occur is not proof negative against asexuality.

[Jillianimal]

I feel like there are 3 general ways of looking at sexual fantasies:

1) It's like a movie going on in your head. Just a scenario to imagine or analyze & but don't see any interest in actually doing with anyone: asexual

2) Same as above except you would try it just to see what it feels like or how it plays out. The person/people involved doesn't have an influence on the scenario, they are just there: asexual open to sex

3) Would like to act out fantasies with someone based on or linked to sexual attraction to them: you're not asexual

I guess a good way to look at it is replacing the sexual part of a fantasy wih anything else. I'm sure a lot of people have fantasized about how they'll handle a post apocolyptic event. Does that mean most of them want the world to end or actually live through something like that?

[anderobscure]

I'm of the opinion that having frequent fantasies is kinda hypocritical, but others think it's just fine. My position on this is that if you have a "fantasy" insofar as you imagine what it might be like if you cared about it (like an anthropologist), then that's just a curious mind. If you have fantasies where you act out sexual desires, especially with specific people, then you may just be suppressing something.

I think it comes down to the frequency of these fantasies of yours, how vivid they actually are, and whether specific people are involved. Judging by your descriptions, I'd label you as one of the "benign fantasizers". And considering that you're Gray, I'd say there's really no issue at all in your case.

Even then, remember that in the strictest understanding of the term, asexuality simply means that you don't have sexual attraction for people. It doesn't mean that you can't have sex, or that you can't enjoy the act of it, or that you can't occasionally wonder about it. Usually none of those things will occur in an ace's life, but the fact that they sometimes do occur is not proof negative against asexuality.

This all sounds reasonable. I guess it seems like there's a line between aesthetic attraction plus curiosity and actual sexual attraction. I would say that I have frequent fantasies, but these ones where I'm involved are very rare. Usually when I fantasize about something to do with myself, it's not sex or related to masturbation or anything. I also wouldn't say the sexual ones are very vivid at all. I have to really concentrate to make those ones vivid, and when I do, it puts me off completely. I just looked at the FAQ again and I feel this part accurately describes me: "[...] if asexuals think about other people during masturbation (many asexuals don't think about anything specifically sexual) it is only as fantasy. If they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable."

I feel like there are 3 general ways of looking at sexual fantasies:

1) It's like a movie going on in your head. Just a scenario to imagine or analyze & but don't see any interest in actually doing with anyone: asexual

2) Same as above except you would try it just to see what it feels like or how it plays out. The person/people involved doesn't have an influence on the scenario, they are just there: asexual open to sex

3) Would like to act out fantasies with someone based on or linked to sexual attraction to them: you're not asexual

I guess a good way to look at it is replacing the sexual part of a fantasy wih anything else. I'm sure a lot of people have fantasized about how they'll handle a post apocolyptic event. Does that mean most of them want the world to end or actually live through something like that?

Hmmm. This is an interesting way of putting it. Thinking about it, I think I'm mostly number 1 with maybe a touch of number 2 if it were someone I really trusted. Of course, I don't know if I'll ever reach that level of trust; I knew a girl for seven years and dated her for two (long-distance), and the thought of going past kissing her made me extremely anxious.

I guess the difference between asexual and grey-a in this situation isn't really that big of a deal, but I've always found comfort in being able to categorize myself, even if the labels I identify with now might change later.

[Code11]

In my opinion, you can definitely have sexual fantasies and be asexual, since what asexuals don't experience is sexual attractions. Now, if you had real people in your fantasies, and you found them attractive in real life as well, that might show you weren't asexual, but that doesn't seem to be the thing in your case at all- as you said, the people in real life, or even the people not in real life but seen vividly, hold no interest for you.

[Janus the Fox]

I think those fantasies are normal, dreams are dreams, fantasies with say, the girl next door im not so sure. For me, i dont experience fantasies.

[Guest]

In my opinion, you can definitely have sexual fantasies and be asexual, since what asexuals don't experience is sexual attractions. Now, if you had real people in your fantasies, and you found them attractive in real life as well, that might show you weren't asexual, but that doesn't seem to be the thing in your case at all- as you said, the people in real life, or even the people not in real life but seen vividly, hold no interest for you.

Why does it matter if you find them attractive in real life?

[Vampyremage]

In my opinion, you can definitely have sexual fantasies and be asexual, since what asexuals don't experience is sexual attractions. Now, if you had real people in your fantasies, and you found them attractive in real life as well, that might show you weren't asexual, but that doesn't seem to be the thing in your case at all- as you said, the people in real life, or even the people not in real life but seen vividly, hold no interest for you.

Why does it matter if you find them attractive in real life?

I second this question, I don't quite understand such a differentiation.

[Member25303]

In my opinion, you can definitely have sexual fantasies and be asexual, since what asexuals don't experience is sexual attractions. Now, if you had real people in your fantasies, and you found them attractive in real life as well, that might show you weren't asexual, but that doesn't seem to be the thing in your case at all- as you said, the people in real life, or even the people not in real life but seen vividly, hold no interest for you.

Thank you...you've answered my question that I've been wondering for a while. :) I have sexual fantasies myself but the "man" in it is just made up (nobody I know)...and I have no desire to go out with a real guy and do the same thing. I'm hetroromantic asexual. :)

[Goldberry]

I'm too tired to type much. Perhaps later I'll go into detail when I have more time. I've had fantasies, and they've certainly changed over the years. Earlier I've had many fantasies about being male, attracted to females, yet personally as a female I do not find other women sexually attractive; homosexual fantasies just don't do anything for me. So I always knew I wasn't a lesbian. Plus, prior to knowing about asexuality, I've only been drawn to males, but I believe more on an emotional level. But only very specific people. Low enough to count on one hand is my guess. There can be sexual undertones, but once again not only is it rare, but it involves people whom I shouldn't even be romantically involved with in the first place. I also physically lack a libido; thus, it may be possible for an asexual to fantasize if there is some sort of emotional fulfillment from it.

But I really do consider myself an aromantic asexual these days. I don't feel as though I'm lacking anything by having no relationship emotionally or sexually in reality. My fantasies are low lately. But I still think there is a difference between fantasizing about something and truly wanting it to happen. It can be a form of entertainment, a mental movie theater. How many see horror movies? Do most people really want that stuff to come true?

Sorry if my writing's lame, I really have to sleep...

P.S. I must say, in the past I've had sexual fantasies + an active libido, and those fantasies served as the backdrop for my pleasure. But given the opportunity to have sex, I probably wouldn't have taken it. The reality would just be completely different from fantasy, and not enjoyable at all. And also wrought with worry.

There is always the possibility that I'm a demisexual and that there may come a time when I'm with such a rare person that I actually find wonderful and attractive. But for the time being I call myself an AA.

[Code11]

Thank you...you've answered my question that I've been wondering for a while. :) I have sexual fantasies myself but the "man" in it is just made up (nobody I know)...and I have no desire to go out with a real guy and do the same thing. I'm hetroromantic asexual. :)

Welcome. Good for you!

[LisaOfShades]

Asexual is someone who doesn't get attracted to others.

I'm a sadist. People disgust me. I get turned on by imagining myself torturing people. It's a fetish or BDSM thing.

I don't want to fuck them, I just want them to be humiliated and tortured by machines.

The power and their pain arouse me. Not their bodies.

So yes, I have a sexual attraction to none.

[PiF]

Asexual is someone who doesn't get attracted to others.

ermmm not quite

[BadKarma]

Asexual is someone who doesn't get attracted to others.

I'm a sadist. People disgust me. I get turned on by imagining myself torturing people. It's a fetish or BDSM thing.

I don't want to fuck them, I just want them to be humiliated and tortured by machines.

The power and their pain arouse me. Not their bodies.

So yes, I have a sexual attraction to none.

Wtf, dude. I mean, do what you want in your free time, I suppose, but really? You get aroused by thoughts of torturing people because you are disgusted by their existence?

Time for me to put my tolerance aside, I think. Go get some therapy. Being a sadistic misanthrope with a fetish for human misery is kinda psychopathic. I mean, honestly, I have nothing against sadomasochism as an entertainment sort of thing, but a sadist who does it because they legitimately hate people instead of simply having a fantasy of power... I'm glad you found AVEN and all for the sake of your own self-image, but come on.

[Ace Amoeba]

More often then not, the fantasies of asexuals pertaining to sex/fetish usually do not include the person having the fantasy. Asexuals tend to imagine these acts with being other than themselves. This does not rule out putting oneself in the fantasy, though I admit it is rare. Even sexuals have fantasies that they wouldn't ever want to actually live out in reality. Fantasies can definitely influence sexual attraction, but when the experience of sexual attraction is absent there's nothing to influence.

[Member25303]

More often then not, the fantasies of asexuals pertaining to sex/fetish usually do not include the person having the fantasy. Asexuals tend to imagine these acts with being other than themselves.

This is what mine is....I never thought of seeing myself in it, but just being with the "made up" guy. :)

[Guest]

More often then not, the fantasies of asexuals pertaining to sex/fetish usually do not include the person having the fantasy. Asexuals tend to imagine these acts with being other than themselves.

This is what mine is....I never thought of seeing myself in it, but just being with the "made up" guy. :)

Yeah, except that I'm sexual and I never star in my fantasies. So... ?

[Member25303]

More often then not, the fantasies of asexuals pertaining to sex/fetish usually do not include the person having the fantasy. Asexuals tend to imagine these acts with being other than themselves.

This is what mine is....I never thought of seeing myself in it, but just being with the "made up" guy. :)

Yeah, except that I'm sexual and I never star in my fantasies. So... ?

So that means sexuals and asexuals can dream the same kinds of fantasies, even if Ace Amoeba said mostly asexuals dream these kinds? :)

[Ace Amoeba]

The practice doesn't mean a person is ace. It's not exclusive to ace. I would imagine that the "not in one's own fantasies" is more prevalent among aces, though that is just a hunch. It would be great if I knew for sure.

[Guest]

Asexual is someone who doesn't get attracted to others.

I'm a sadist. People disgust me. I get turned on by imagining myself torturing people. It's a fetish or BDSM thing.

I don't want to fuck them, I just want them to be humiliated and tortured by machines.

The power and their pain arouse me. Not their bodies.

So yes, I have a sexual attraction to none.

Yeah... bodies don't have to arouse you in order to be sexual, dear.

[anderobscure]

Oh, wow! Quite the explosion of responses and discussions. Um, hm. There seems to be a bit of a disagreement on whether or not the fantasies can be about a real person/real people. I pretty much always have to use characters in my fantasies. Not actually people I know, but fictional people created by others. I find this to be more arousing because it's easier to imagine the power dynamics between the characters, which is what's important. If I made someone up, it would be more difficult to discern a personality, and motives for the situation they're in, and all emotional things that are important to me in a fantasy.

Of course, I generally choose characters that I find aesthetically pleasing, so perhaps that actually is sexual attraction? Only I wouldn't want to have sex with them, even if they were real. And on the quite rare occasion that I insert myself into the fantasies, the focus is not even so much on the sex itself as it is on the power play. And similar to Spot, I often imagine myself as a male, so it's me, but it isn't? And even that has to do with power play, again. So, then, that's pretty Grey, isn't it?

Ohh, I think I've perhaps confused myself even more. This is all very complicated stuff, isn't it? Everyone is different, which makes it hard to figure the labels out.

[Goldberry]

More often then not, the fantasies of asexuals pertaining to sex/fetish usually do not include the person having the fantasy. Asexuals tend to imagine these acts with being other than themselves.

This is what mine is....I never thought of seeing myself in it, but just being with the "made up" guy. :)

Yep. Especially in my teenage years before I had even an idea that I was asexual my fantasies were usually anonymous on both parties involved, regardless of the perspective I was thinking of. But not always. But I don't really fantasize any more like I used to; somewhere along the line certain thoughts either did nothing, or I later found to be unappealing.

And perhaps they were replaced by new thoughts, which I later became bored of?

I'm not sure I can ever say that I'm completely over it; I think we can surprise ourselves sometimes. But this whole discussion goes back to "asexual elitism" where there is some sort of code that if you break, you can't possibly be a "true" asexual. So maybe this factors into that somehow. But it depends on a few factors, probably up for the individual to figure out.