Insecurities in the Way

[Pamcakes]

I can understand "I'm sorry, I've been trying to be supportive but I just can't deal with this anymore. I'm tired. If you ever get it together, call me." I really can.

But I also think your ex sounds like an insensitive, selfish cow for about a bazillion other reasons.

Breakups are horrible; some more so than others. I know how it feels to love someone desperately, and still have to let them go because you're not getting back what you're giving them. Breaking up for that reason is one of the worst feelings in the world, because you feel so rejected and disposable, particularly if they seem to move on happily almost immediately. I have felt sick for weeks at a time without a break, I have lost the scary amounts of weight, I have felt - at the best moments - bleak, I have stopped sleeping. I have been there, and I know.

I wish you strength, and loving and supportive people to be around you and pick you up off the floor. It will get better, eventually, but there will be days when it feels like it never will. You just need to keep your faith, and hold on.

It's going to suck, but some day, it will suck less, and then less, until you feel okay again.

PM me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. I can't guarantee immediate responses, but I'm generally fairly quick.

P.

[sister spooky]

Grapheme - I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you cry!!I would let you hug to me bits though...that's pretty much all I want right now, actually. She moved out like I asked...and I didn't realize how much stuff was hers and now this place is so empty and lonely and I'm trying to get out of this apartment and do things and make friends...but I miss her so much and it's so hard..all I want to do is lay here and cry. My parents have been great...but pathetically, all I want is her. And as for sexual experience, I totally agree with you. And thank you so much for the kind words...it's much appreciated. *hugs*

Pamcakes - I can understand that too...I really can...I just wanted it to be enough that I love her as deeply as I do. I guess it doesn't work that way. And she's really not a terrible person...she's hurting too, just in a way that's different than me. I'm hurting because I still feel abandoned and like I'm not important enough to try to work it out for. She's hurting because she misses and loves me but feels like getting back into a relationship with me right now is unhealthy for her because I'd be asking her to go back into physical isolation while I figure myself out in therapy.

I just want her back. And I'm struggling really hard with trying to move on. This sucks. Thank you for all of your sweet words...it really helps a lot that everyone here is willing to listen as much as they are.

[Musical Articuno]

I have been reading your story for quite some time. In fact, this has inspired me to join AVEN in the first place-this loving community that truly wants to help in any way they can to make you feel accepted, loved, and just overall fantastic :) I'm really sorry you're in so much pain, and all I can give are some words and virtual cake Reading through your story, I was reminded of a song. I've felt something similar to your story (not quite as intimate, so not as intense as what you're feeling), but music helped me out of that dark place. Music can be comforting-listening to sad and comforting music releases chemicals in our brains so that we feel like we're not alone (I'm a bit of a dork, so I apologize for the science info ^_^ It's in the book The World in Six Songs by Daniel Levitin; I highly recommend it). We actually feel better listening to that kind of music because "happy" music only makes us feel more negative about ourselves since it reminds us of an emotion we're not feeling at the time. I don't know if I've been any help, but here's my contribution (It's You Haven't Seen the Last of Me by Cher). Really listen because the lyrics are so powerful. You will survive to see something far greater than you have now. All it takes is strength and time, just as everyone else has stated before me. I wish you nothing but the best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOOYYyJ9C18

[sister spooky]

Hey, Music is Life! Thanks for the song recommendation! I have to confess that I'm not much in a music mood yet, but I promise I'll definitely listen to it when I'm feeling more up to it. =) And thank you for the well-wishes.

You're right...this is a fantastic community with many wonderful people, and I'm truly grateful for all the help I've received.

I'm trying to let myself heal as best as I can, but it's still tough. I'm still struggling with feeling like I've been abandoned and replaced, like I'm not and was never that important...that she just gave up and walked away when I wanted so badly to work everything out together.

I'm still feeling like I never want to fall in love again...that if it's going to hurt this badly when it ends, how do people do this all the time? And why should I bother investing so much time and energy and love and emotion into someone if they're just going to drop me like a hot potato when things get hard? I want to be able to trust that someone will stick around and love me when things are difficult, and I want to be able to do the same for them. I don't give up on people I love, that's just how I am...I need to find someone that feels the same way.

This is probably not even a fair representation of what happened, but this is how I feel and what I need to work through before I can have another relationship. How can it possibly be healthy to jump right into another one?

Thanks for listening, everyone. =)

[Musical Articuno]

Thanks for the song recommendation! I have to confess that I'm not much in a music mood yet, but I promise I'll definitely listen to it when I'm feeling more up to it. =)

You are quite welcome ^_^ It's totally understandable that you're not in a music mood quite yet, so take your time.

I'm still struggling with feeling like I've been abandoned and replaced, like I'm not and was never that important

Abandonment is a nasty cocktail of so many emotions-for me, it was a mixture of anger, depression, betrayal, numbness with a touch of loneliness and confusion. All I can say is that it takes time (heh, that seems to be the theme of this thread, doesn't it? :lol: ) And don't ever forget that you are important, because you are.

that if it's going to hurt this badly when it ends, how do people do this all the time? And why should I bother investing so much time and energy and love and emotion into someone if they're just going to drop me like a hot potato when things get hard? I want to be able to trust that someone will stick around and love me when things are difficult, and I want to be able to do the same for them. I don't give up on people I love, that's just how I am...I need to find someone that feels the same way.

These are all very valid questions to ask (what a philosophy discussion this could be!), and I can't help but be reminded of the idea of chakras (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakras). A little background into how I was reminded of it, there was an animated television show a while back (inner geek coming out again, I'm sorry! :( It's funny how mediums society finds childish can sometimes have the most powerful messages), and it talked about this concept. In it, a guru stated something that really stuck out as something beautiful. He said "The love chakra... deals with love and is blocked by grief...you have indeed suffered a great loss, but love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us...the love hasn't left this world...it is reborn in the form of new love". Regardless of the spirituality behind it, I think the reason we keep loving despite our terrible losses is because we are refilled by this "new" love. The love we lost is found else where in our lives, and fills us in the same way the old one did (sometimes, even more than we could ever hope for). We keep finding someone that fills us with love and happiness, even if logic reminds us of our grief we've experienced in the past, because we are human. Most of us want this love in our life, and to love and be loved in return. I'll end with a quote from Jane Austen that best sums this up-"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere."

[sister spooky]

You are incredibly comforting, Music is Life, thank you. =) *hugs*

Just came back to whine a little. I have nobody else in this city except for one friend who lives 45 minutes away and she had two jobs and is busy all the time...she's fantastic but I can't whine to her all the time.

So I'm all alone and unemployed since I lost my job earlier this month and it's really depressing to realize that nobody is going to notice if I don't get out of bed, nobody cares...there's nobody to give me a much needed hug, nobody to spontaneously show up and take me out for the night...nobody to help me out at all. I'm trying to get out and make new friends, but it's tough to feel like doing anything.

And my ex doesn't hurt like I do...she can't. She's got her job and her work friends and other friends and her new girlfriend...I hate that I'm so easily replaceable, by the way. She's got someone to hug her and love her and tell her how wonderful she is..and I'm alone.

She wants to be friends, and when I said it was too hard, she said it was cruel for me to cut off contact, and now she says it's too hard for her to even text me...but I'm supposed to keep the nice, comforting little texts I was sending coming. Because that's fair. And when she does text me, it's in meaningless cliches and platitudes...nothing real. I'd rather have no contact at all than that crap.

I want her to miss me every single day, I want her to hurt like I hurt over the fact that the future we were going to have is gone. I feel like she doesn't even care that she doesn't have me in her life everyday...to talk to, to text, to spend time with, to just hang out with without scheduled plans, to love, to support, to kiss, to hug, to touch.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was able to make love to her like I've wanted to for two years...and everything was perfect...it was easy and fun and so incredibly hot. It was amazing.

Doesn't it count for anything that I'm working as hard as I can on this?

Or is a perfect sex life really worth dumping the person who you said makes you feel more loved and comfortable and accepted and adored than anyone has ever before? The person who you say you still love and you're still IN LOVE with and that you want in your life?

Why is it so hard to move on? I just want to get over her.

I'm so confused. Thank you again for listening to my whining, everyone.

[Musical Articuno]

More interesting thoughts! Lots of valid points, so let's see if I can help.

You are incredibly comforting, Music is Life, thank you. =) *hugs*

It's no problem :) I wish I could give you a real hug, but I'll just send this virtual one to compensate *virtual hug*

it's really depressing to realize that nobody is going to notice if I don't get out of bed, nobody cares...there's nobody to give me a much needed hug, nobody to spontaneously show up and take me out for the night...nobody to help me out at all.

Oh boy, flashback (for me)! It's important to tell yourself when these thoughts occur that your family loves you dearly. I think you mentioned how your parents were helping you through all this? They love you and don't want you to be in so much pain. The way I combatted this depression was I wrote on a Post-It note just 3 simple words-"You are loved". I put that note on my clock right next to my bed so the next time I woke up feeling really crappy about myself, I saw it. I constantly reminded myself that I was loved and I would be missed (it's tough, I know, but it's totally doable) I just watched the movie "The Help" yesterday (REALLY good). In it, one of the main characters teaches a child three simple statements that I'd like to "teach" you:

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Don't ever forget that, because it's true.

And my ex doesn't hurt like I do...she can't.

She may be hurting, but she's distracted by everything you've described. It's really hard being alone during all this, so it helps to be around family if you can.

I hate that I'm so easily replaceable, by the way.

You're not easily replaceable. I know you feel this way now, but just remember "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

now she says it's too hard for her to even text me...but I'm supposed to keep the nice, comforting little texts I was sending coming. Because that's fair.

I love the "one-way street" friendships. My question is why do you need to keep sending nice, comforting texts if she's adjusting so well? If her only response will be the conventional cliche, it might be best to just take a break from the texts. As you said-"I'd rather have no contact at all than that crap."

I want her to miss me every single day, I want her to hurt like I hurt over the fact that the future we were going to have is gone.

But would this really resolve the problem? Is this truly going to remove the feeling of abandonment? It might make the loneliness go down a little (because you would know she's feeling the same way), but it wouldn't undue the hurt. You are angry and hurt (and justifiable so), but holding on to these feelings is only going to hurt you in the long run. I think Confucius once said having anger towards someone is like holding a burning coal-in the end, only you get burned. The only way to heal and eliminate these feelings is forgiveness. I know it's hard-so much pain, betrayal, anger. How can I possible forgive and forget everything? But forgiveness is never for the other person-it's for you. When you forgive someone, you are wiping away the emotions associated with the bad action. That doesn't mean you forget what led to the need for forgiveness, and sometimes this requires a removal of yourself from the influence of the past behavior. It's just the next step for you to get out of this terribly dark place you're in now. This is easier said than done, I know, but it's possible.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was able to make love to her like I've wanted to for two years...and everything was perfect...it was easy and fun and so incredibly hot. It was amazing.

Interestingly enough, I remember reading a book on dreams not too long ago (It's sad that I have seen/read many seemingly random things x_X), and one of the topics dealt with sexual dreams. It said that some dreams can be our subconscious trying to bring our attention to an underlying issue with ourselves. It also mentioned that discussing sexual conflicts can be a touchy subject, and the dream allows us to work through things in a "safe" environment. It further explores the idea that we may dwell on physical intimacy we shared with a former lover because it acts like a "wish fulfillment". All that said, perhaps your mind is trying to help you through this time as well as comfort you at the same time. Not sure if any of this helped, though :(

Or is a perfect sex life really worth dumping the person who you said makes you feel more loved and comfortable and accepted and adored than anyone has ever before? The person who you say you still love and you're still IN LOVE with and that you want in your life?

I'll try to remain unbiased (me being not sexual), so I apologize ahead of time if I skew away from neutrality. From what I understand, sex is a big part of a relationship for sexual couples. It is the mechanism for which to achieve oneness with your partner, a way to express love in its most intimate form. It is this act that allows sexuals to differentiate between a best friend and a significant other (not always, but for the most part). It is this act that expresses feelings of appreciation of heart, soul and body to the significant other. So, for some people, even if everything else is perfect in the relationship, if this integral part of the relationship is not at a level for which the partners agree to keep, the results are clear (you've experienced it yourself). But why? It would seem that love would be enough to keep the union together, wouldn't it? How is it that ONE aspect of the relationship not being fulfilled is enough to destroy it? Imagine if a relationship only requires three things in order to work: love, commitment and trust. What are the ways to express these three components (i.e., what are the mechanisms/vehicles of the messages to give to the partner)? Let's say that, for trust, the main mechanism is open communication; for commitment, spending time together/remaining faithful; for love, sex (for sexuals anyway. And I understand that sex can also be casual and not have attachments to love[like for fun or relief], but I'm ignoring this to keep it simple). Granted, there are other ways to express these three components (like, if your partner has a back ache, you give them a message to make them feel better as an expression of love), but the important part is that both partners must understand the mechanism involved and the message intended in order for the message comes through. For example, if Person A expresses commitment by staying home with Person B instead of going out with friends, Person B needs to recognize that this action (the mechanism) is Person A's method of expressing commitment else Person B will feel that the commitment portion of the relationship is not being fulfilled. Now, what if instead of having a difference in methods of sex, you and your partner had a difference in the area of trust? What if you didn't have an open communication with each other? Would you still be together? Probably not because you wouldn't feel a closeness (trust) with your partner. I'm not saying that you both didn't love each other; it's just that the main mechanism to express love (in this case, sex) was different. In essence, the messages being sent ("I love you") weren't being received on the other end because of a lack of recognition of the manner in which they were sent (passionate sex versus mechanical). I feel that this analogy is a reason why sexual-asexual relationships are so challenging to keep (I'm not saying you're asexual, though). I hope this made some sense :(

Why is it so hard to move on? I just want to get over her.

It's hard because she was your first love, and you were with her for quite an extended period of time. Also, you have quite a bit of feelings still swarming around (sadness, anger, etc.).

I don't know if I mentioned it earlier, but feel free to PM me if you want to.

I'll end with this (I love quotes if you haven't noticed :) )

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." -Dalai Lama

[Musical Articuno]

I forgot to post this, but how you were feeling in your post reminded me of another song-Rolling in the Deep by Adele. Listen to it if you want to :)

[Guest]

So I'm all alone and unemployed since I lost my job earlier this month and it's really depressing to realize that nobody is going to notice if I don't get out of bed, nobody cares...there's nobody to give me a much needed hug, nobody to spontaneously show up and take me out for the night...nobody to help me out at all. I'm trying to get out and make new friends, but it's tough to feel like doing anything.

Flashbacks for me too. When my ex left, I was unemployed, broke, totally alone... I laid on the couch and cried for about 3 weeks, and then I moved across the country to be near family. I've never been close to my family before (a common theme amongst sexual minorities), but they were all I had... and you know what? We all developed far deeper connections and understanding of each other. There's a song (a hidden track) by Blue October that I listened to a ton during my breakup and the lyrics were just about perfect:

I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again.

I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends.

I've tried to push them all away,

They push me back and wanna stay

And that's one good thing I have.

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,

I'm gonna feel at home.

I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.

I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.

I don't wanna hurt no more.

And my ex doesn't hurt like I do...she can't. She's got her job and her work friends and other friends and her new girlfriend...I hate that I'm so easily replaceable, by the way. She's got someone to hug her and love her and tell her how wonderful she is..and I'm alone.

She wants to be friends, and when I said it was too hard, she said it was cruel for me to cut off contact, and now she says it's too hard for her to even text me...but I'm supposed to keep the nice, comforting little texts I was sending coming. Because that's fair. And when she does text me, it's in meaningless cliches and platitudes...nothing real. I'd rather have no contact at all than that crap.

I want her to miss me every single day, I want her to hurt like I hurt over the fact that the future we were going to have is gone. I feel like she doesn't even care that she doesn't have me in her life everyday...to talk to, to text, to spend time with, to just hang out with without scheduled plans, to love, to support, to kiss, to hug, to touch.

I feel ya here too. It sucks so much to not be missed, not be cared about by the person who you thought cared about you more than anyone. It's a shift in worldview that is slow and painful to accept. Its been years now since my breakup, but I still get all bent out of shape on TV and movies where they say things like "they never leave their wives" or show, time and time again, a happy reconciled ending. But you know what? Real life sucks sometimes. Our partners don't always come back. They don't always miss us. And after spending our lives being taught that you can judge your value based on the people who love you, it really destroys your sense of self to find out that the love you thought was eternal is, in fact, completely gone.

All I can say is hang in there. She may miss you and she may not, but her feelings about you don't define you. Her feelings about you only tell a story about her, not about you. What she did, and how she feels... all of that paints a picture of a selfish, cruel woman, and doesn't in any way discolor you. The more distance you have from her, the longer the time since your last contact with her, will all lessen the pain. I can't stress "no contact" enough in these situations. The only way you're going to see how insignificant she is to your world, your happiness, and the love of your family, is to cut her out of your life. It hurts at first, but its surprising how quickly you'll start to feel at least a bit better.

Or is a perfect sex life really worth dumping the person who you said makes you feel more loved and comfortable and accepted and adored than anyone has ever before? The person who you say you still love and you're still IN LOVE with and that you want in your life?

It doesn't matter. What she thinks, what she feels, and why, doesn't matter. Does it matter whether an earthquake was right or wrong? No, you have to pick up the pieces either way.

I don't know if we ever truly get over these things. I'm years past my breakup but I still have my ex blocked on facebook, and if I were ever to see her, I think I'd freak out, melt down, punch her or cry. When something turns you and your world upside down, I don't think you ever forget it... when something changes you, it sticks with you. But you'll stop thinking about her every second of every day, and her existence won't affect your happiness, and you will (I promise you will) fall in love again. And when you do, you'll look back and think "what was I doing wasting time with that bitch?".

Please post anytime, and feel free to PM me anytime as well.

[sister spooky]

Last night I managed to break the hinge on my laptop...and of course there's no money to fix it. Or to take the next semester of the language class that I was taking for fun and really, really enjoying. To quote Lorelai Gilmore...and the hits just keep on coming. Ugh.

Ok, let's see if I can use this quote function properly...=)

To Music Is Life:

First of all, thank you so much for your willingness to read through all this emotional mess and give me such thoughtful responses. =)

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Lol, that's fabulous! =)I'm trying really really hard to remember that...I am. I think it would be easier for me if this whole thing would have happened during the summer..at least then it wouldn't be so dark and cold. Seriously though, I've got my parents checking up on me and friends that live in other places have been emailing me and texting/calling..and I'm incredibly thankful for that, I really am. I do know I'm important to people...I think what I'm missing now is being someone's special someone, you know? Having someone to come home to and the shared meals and the cuddling on the couch together..always having that person there who loves you and understands you and gets you better than anyone else, you know? I miss having someone to sleep next to.

My question is why do you need to keep sending nice, comforting texts if she's adjusting so well? If her only response will be the conventional cliche, it might be best to just take a break from the texts. As you said-"I'd rather have no contact at all than that crap."

Well, I was sending them in the beginning because that's what we always did for each other when one of us was having a hard time with something. Then I stopped because, hey, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I was good for a few days and then I sent another one when she texted me saying she was laid out with a particularly awful migraine. I was proud that I managed to restrain myself just to that, considering how I still feel about her. When we were together and she didn't feel well, I went all out doing whatever I could to make her feel better. She likes being babied when she's sick and I actually enjoyed waiting on her hand and foot. What can I say? I love taking care of people I love. =) I haven't sent any comforting texts since though, so that's an improvement.

I think Confucius once said having anger towards someone is like holding a burning coal-in the end, only you get burned. The only way to heal and eliminate these feelings is forgiveness.

You're so, so right. And I'm trying...I really am. I think I'm getting there little by little...right now I think the furthest I'm getting is "I forgive you because I know that you've made a horrible mistake and sooner or later you'll reap the consequences." I admit that isn't exactly the healthiest way to look at it, but I'm doing what I can..lol! =)

And while I'm not over the anger or hurt or feeling abandoned quite yet, I HAVE finally accepted what happened as inevitable for a whole mess of reasons. I screwed up, yes...but I'm realizing that I'm not asexual...I just needed a little more patience and understanding and love than she was able to give me, that's all. And yes, I should have gotten my butt in gear earlier, but on the other hand I know for a fact that nothing that she could ever struggle with would have made me leave her. So there you go. I have many ideas as to why she left when I finally started to get help, but I won't go into that now.

All that said, perhaps your mind is trying to help you through this time as well as comfort you at the same time.

Good lord, I hope that's what it is, because the dreams won't stop. They aren't every night, but I was in a funk this morning because in the only dream I can remember from last night, I was a French kissing champ. With her. Of course.

I'm not saying that you both didn't love each other; it's just that the main mechanism to express love (in this case, sex) was different. In essence, the messages being sent ("I love you") weren't being received on the other end because of a lack of recognition of the manner in which they were sent (passionate sex versus mechanical).

This makes a lot of sense, and I think that this was most definitely what happened. At the same time it frustrates me because it makes me feel like I'm not going to be able to have a fulfilling, long-term relationship with another sexual person until I'm more comfortable with sex...and I can't get more comfortable with sex until I have more...and I can't have more until I'm in another relationship because casual sex isn't something I'm interested in. So I feel like through no fault of my own, I'm screwed. Either I keep getting dumped by people like my ex who can't deal with me not knowing exactly what I'm doing...or I stay alone without the possibility of working on my sex issues. Grrr. lol

It's hard because she was your first love, and you were with her for quite an extended period of time. Also, you have quite a bit of feelings still swarming around (sadness, anger, etc.).

Why in the world isn't there a manual for this stuff? ;) lol!

And to SkulleryMaid:

A big thank you to you as well for answering me so kindly and thoughtfully! =)

Flashbacks for me too. When my ex left, I was unemployed, broke, totally alone... I laid on the couch and cried for about 3 weeks, and then I moved across the country to be near family. I've never been close to my family before (a common theme amongst sexual minorities), but they were all I had... and you know what? We all developed far deeper connections and understanding of each other. There's a song (a hidden track) by Blue October that I listened to a ton during my breakup and the lyrics were just about perfect:

God...are we the same person? lol I keep wondering if everyone reacts this way, or if it's just me. I obviously didn't move, but while I was home for a few days talking to my parents about everything I feel like I learned more about them than I would have known otherwise. I'm glad that your family was there for you in such an important way, it sounds like they were pretty instrumental in getting you through that experience. And that song sounds perfect, I'm going to have to give it a listen. =)

It sucks so much to not be missed, not be cared about by the person who you thought cared about you more than anyone. It's a shift in worldview that is slow and painful to accept.

THIS....a thousand times THIS.

The only way you're going to see how insignificant she is to your world, your happiness, and the love of your family, is to cut her out of your life. It hurts at first, but its surprising how quickly you'll start to feel at least a bit better.

I'm beginning to realize how right you are about this. It's been a week and a half since I last saw her and aside from being lonely for human companionship in general, I've been feeling better everyday. And we've texted back and forth a bit, but that doesn't affect me emotionally nearly as much. Plus, it helps that I get to do everything the way I want to now. The apartment only needs to get clean when I want to, I can watch the shows I want to on TV, I can let my favorite kitty sleep in bed with me now, etc...they're small things, but they help. We're getting close to no contact.

Does it matter whether an earthquake was right or wrong? No, you have to pick up the pieces either way.

That's the perfect way to sum this whole thing up. Truer words have never been written. =)

I don't know if we ever truly get over these things. I'm years past my breakup but I still have my ex blocked on facebook, and if I were ever to see her, I think I'd freak out, melt down, punch her or cry. When something turns you and your world upside down, I don't think you ever forget it... when something changes you, it sticks with you. But you'll stop thinking about her every second of every day, and her existence won't affect your happiness, and you will (I promise you will) fall in love again. And when you do, you'll look back and think "what was I doing wasting time with that bitch?".

Now you've made me sniffle...lol. Seriously though, thank you so much. Everyone here is so helpful and kind...I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found this site. =)

[Musical Articuno]

Last night I managed to break the hinge on my laptop...and of course there's no money to fix it.

I'm sorry to hear that! Well, read that since I can't hear text...regardless, that's still sad that your laptop is damaged :( At least it still works, right? :)

To quote Lorelai Gilmore...and the hits just keep on coming.

Yes, but as Sonny and Cher stated, "And the beat goes on" :D No matter what life throws at you, just keep on going! As Dory so kindly put it, "Just keep swimming" ^_^

I think it would be easier for me if this whole thing would have happened during the summer..at least then it wouldn't be so dark and cold.

True. It almost feels like the weather is mimicking how you feel, doesn't it? But just remember that if this is your lowest point, your highest point must/will be SPECTACULAR! :) It puts everything into a perspective that you never thought about before, so when you do find your happiness, it's that much sweeter.

I think what I'm missing now is being someone's special someone, you know? Having someone to come home to and the shared meals and the cuddling on the couch together..always having that person there who loves you and understands you and gets you better than anyone else, you know?

I totally understand. It's something I missed greatly when it happened, and not having too many friends tends to worsen the situation. I think we all go through it in some degree and intensity (obviously, it's much more intense if a significant other leaves versus your best friend), but it seems like someone comes along when we least expect it to fill that void. Someone just comes along to remind you that life is a wonderful thing, and love (in some form or another) is something that exists and you can have it, not just in dreams and fantasies. It sounds sappy, I know, and in a world that has so much hatred, sadness and pain, it can be tough to spot it. But it's there. As SkulleryMaid put it perfectly:

when something changes you, it sticks with you. But you'll stop thinking about her every second of every day, and her existence won't affect your happiness, and you will (I promise you will) fall in love again. And when you do, you'll look back and think "what was I doing wasting time with that bitch?".

I miss having someone to sleep next to.

Just love your kitty! ;) I remember my dog was one of my rocks during hard times...it's amazing how much love a pet can give when you're feeling down.

What can I say? I love taking care of people I love. =)

You're not alone there :) I like taking care of people I care about, even if it's at my expense. Can't say it hasn't caused problems, but it's part of who I am, and I'm not going to change it. But there's a point when we have to "fix our problems" before we can help others, like in these situations. That's why SkulleryMaid is absolutely right when she says to make sure the "no contact" thing. You come first right now, which I think you know :)

And I'm trying...I really am. I think I'm getting there little by little...right now I think the furthest I'm getting is "I forgive you because I know that you've made a horrible mistake and sooner or later you'll reap the consequences." I admit that isn't exactly the healthiest way to look at it, but I'm doing what I can..lol! =)

It's great that you're making baby steps! It's natural that you're thinking this way-I did too. But once it gets to the point that she seems insignificant in your life is when the "healthy" forgiveness can come. It is when you can truly say "I'm over you. What happened happened, and I accept reality. I can't change the past, but I can mold my future, even if that means you're not in it." that forgiveness can close the wound. There will be a scar (it has a negative connotation to it, but I don't mean it to be negative because it isn't), to be sure, but it's just that. It's a recognition that damage was done, but you overcame it and are wiser because of it.

I screwed up, yes...but I'm realizing that I'm not asexual...I just needed a little more patience and understanding and love than she was able to give me, that's all. And yes, I should have gotten my butt in gear earlier, but on the other hand I know for a fact that nothing that she could ever struggle with would have made me leave her.

This experienced has caused you to find out things about yourself you weren't sure of before. As the Dalai Lama said, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson." (Perhaps I have an unhealthy love of quotes? x_X) In that respect, it has positive value (granted, there are a lot of negatives about the experience, but that can heal). Therefore, you can view the scar as a mark of growth, of beauty, of awakening.

At the same time it frustrates me because it makes me feel like I'm not going to be able to have a fulfilling, long-term relationship with another sexual person until I'm more comfortable with sex...and I can't get more comfortable with sex until I have more...and I can't have more until I'm in another relationship because casual sex isn't something I'm interested in.

Ah, the similar paradox with a job-people won't hire you until you have experience, but who will be the first to hire you so that you can get the experience? I'm sure you'll find someone who will be understanding in time (again time as the theme...sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button, but then you'd miss all the good stuff in between).

Why in the world isn't there a manual for this stuff? ;) lol!

Haha, I've wondered this too :) But then, thinking about it, the answer is really simple-we're all different. We're not like gingerbread cookie men-we're not made from the same mold (well, we're all made of carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, etc...ugh, sorry for the "nerd moment" x_X What I meant is, we're not all identical) There's no "One size, fits all" philosophy when it comes to this, unfortunately. It would make life easier, but then it wouldn't be interesting, now, would it? ;) Perhaps part of the human experience is making our own manual! Finding out what makes us tick and what we like/don't like and how we react to certain situations :D Although, if you could find a theory that fit EVERYONE (highly unlikely), I'm sure you'd make BILLIONS... *sigh* one can dream, can't they? :lol:

[sister spooky]

Music Is Life, I'm going to sit down and reply to your awesome post later, but I have a new problem...

I joined the dating website OkCupid just for fun and to look around, take quizzes and whatnot.

My ex's new girlfriend (I'll call her L..she's the same one that my ex started sleeping with while we were still together) showed up in my match list. I didn't click on her profile, but from what I can see of it, she's listed as single, that she replies to messages and/or sends messages to people often and the last time she was on it was December 10th. Also, through talking to a different friend of mine the other day, we've accidentally realized that my friend has been seeing one of L's exes....and that L cheated on her recently...within the year. Apparently L is a serial cheater.

Who knew the lesbian community here was so freaking small?

And now I know stuff that I didn't want to know. I know it's none of my business and therefore I won't say anything to anyone, but now I feel like I'm lying by keeping this from my ex.

I really really want to believe that L is just messaging friends....and that her profile still sends single because she forgot to change it to "seeing someone".

Help, please?

[Guest]

Where are you? Philly? I lived there for several years... that's where my above-referenced break up took place.

In this situation, I'd suggest doing nothing. There's way too many ways that it could backfire on you if you told your ex. You could send her a quick message about it, but in all likelihood she'll freak out about it one way or another. It could go a few ways, including "you're just jealous", or "stay out of my business" or "we're in an open relationship" or "you're stalking me" or "she and I tell each other everything"... I think the least likely outcome is her saying "well thank you for that pertinent information. I will check into it at once." :D

Besides, maybe your ex has it coming. Just sayin'.

[Musical Articuno]

Dang, SkulleryMaid beat me to the punch XD She took the words right out of my mouth! So, I'll just write what I was going to write anyway, but she basically covered it pretty well.

First off, if this isn't a textbook case of "What goes around, comes around" or "Karma's a *****", I don't know what is. Take this as a reaffirmation of what you were already feeling about the situation-this is the "final nail in the coffin", so to speak. Now for the second part-I wouldn't tell her either. Normally, I would tell someone if I suspect cheating, but this is a different situation. You are (indirectly) tied to the situation; thus, it puts you in a very precarious spot. You and your ex have been drifting apart (which is for the best, but it also means you're not her support system/gossip center anymore), so the likely response will probably be "You're just jealous" (or any of the others SkulleryMaid pointed out!). I don't think you're lying if you don't tell her-she's not asking you about her current girlfriend. As John Lennon once said, "Let it be".

[NorthernRose]

Hi everyone!

I'm posting here because though I don't think I'm asexual and my girlfriend certainly isn't, I need some ideas on how to help me overcome my sexual insecurities, and this is the very first forum I've found online that has such smart, thoughtful and genuinely warm, helpful posters.

My girlfriend and I (I'm also a woman) have been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and she has been exceedingly patient with me while I have been trying to get out of my head and have a normal, fun and loving sexual relationship with her. I was a virgin when we started seeing each other. I had no idea how to go about doing anything sexual and had never even kissed before. This was not true for her. She has been my first everything, and so far I have enjoyed the ride. Over the time we've been together, we've developed an emotional connection that I believe can and will never be matched. We know each other so well, it's unbelievable. I love her wholly and completely, and she loves me the same way. We are excellent at communicating our needs and wants with each other, and neither one of us would want to do anything to hurt the other. Unfortunately, we are in a situation where she has a normal healthy sex drive, whereas mine is low. Also, even though I want to please her sexually, my mind and body freeze up with thoughts of being inadequate, and it goes nowhere. She is understandably frustrated and feels undesired and rejected. She says that when we do have sex. she feels like it's all mechanical to me and that I'm just trying to get through it.

I've recently started seeing a therapist, but feel like it isn't helping...and have just contacted a sex therapist in our area. I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I've let my problem go on this long without really addressing it, but for a long time was so scared and didn't know how to talk this one thing.

For what it's worth, I thoroughly enjoy all the other aspects of our relationship...the kissing, the hugging, the touching, the confiding, spending time together, etc. Like she says, everything else is absolutely perfect.

My girlfriend is brilliant and sexy and sweet and funny and charming and undeniably perfect. She's always trying to help me, so suggested this forum. We thought that it was possible that I'm asexual, but I do feel sexual attraction towards her, I just think my sex drive isn't as strong as hers and lack of experience has made me feel insecure...and since I'm a notorious perfectionist, I want everything to be perfect when do have sex. I also enjoy sex a lot on those infrequent times when I've been able to get out of my head, and I also enjoy masturbation. Does this mean I can't be asexual?

She says she still loves me and that I'm not broken in any way, and that she knows I'm not doing anything to cause her pain intentionally. At the same time, she can't stay in a mostly sexless relationship any longer, for her own emotional and physical health, and has recently, with my blessing, started seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. However, that obviously isn't the best solution, as we are both very monogamous people, and I want to be the one to satisfy her sexually.

I'm so confused...if anyone has some insight or experience with a problem like this or advice on what to try to get my head to take a chill pill, any and all comments will be much appreciated. Thank you!

First things first, how old are you and your partner?

Are you experiencing major life-changing problems recently?

And, do you, at some point, feel any physiologic problems?

[sister spooky]

As promised, finally back here to reply to everyone..so sorry for the delay!! =)

Music Is Life: Yep, the laptop still works! It's a little easier for me to be grateful for that now. =) And I love Sonny and Cher and Dory, so your advice was right up my alley...lol!

but it seems like someone comes along when we least expect it to fill that void. Someone just comes along to remind you that life is a wonderful thing, and love (in some form or another) is something that exists and you can have it, not just in dreams and fantasies.

I'm crossing my fingers for this, but in a strictly platonic sense, because I am SOOO not ready for another relationship right now..or anytime soon. However, your and SkulleryMaid's willingness to continue to read and respond to my whiny posts is making me feel so grateful and like someone really cares that I can't even explain the warmth that I feel when I read you guys' responses. So, thank you to both of you...and *hugs* =)

That's why SkulleryMaid is absolutely right when she says to make sure the "no contact" thing. You come first right now, which I think you know

Oh, I know....and I'm trying really hard with the "no contact" thing.

It is when you can truly say "I'm over you. What happened happened, and I accept reality. I can't change the past, but I can mold my future, even if that means you're not in it." that forgiveness can close the wound. There will be a scar (it has a negative connotation to it, but I don't mean it to be negative because it isn't), to be sure, but it's just that. It's a recognition that damage was done, but you overcame it and are wiser because of it.

I am VERY MUCH looking forward to the this day coming...I can't wait!! =) I watched an episode of FRIENDS the other day that made me laugh, with Rachel leaving a message for Ross on his answering machine and she's all "And that, my friend, is what they call CLOSURE." Now granted, her situation was different obviously, but I was all i want closure too!! lol

This experienced has caused you to find out things about yourself you weren't sure of before. As the Dalai Lama said, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."

That is a very good point. I feel healthier because I'm still seeing my therapist and have been learning a lot about myself and the relationship I had with my ex...and actually about her..which might sound odd because she's not there...but it's been very helpful, and I don't know if the therapy would be helpful in the same way if she were involved in it, you know?

Although, if you could find a theory that fit EVERYONE (highly unlikely), I'm sure you'd make BILLIONS... *sigh* one can dream, can't they?

LOL, right?! =)

First off, if this isn't a textbook case of "What goes around, comes around" or "Karma's a *****", I don't know what is. Take this as a reaffirmation of what you were already feeling about the situation-this is the "final nail in the coffin", so to speak. Now for the second part-I wouldn't tell her either.

Lol...that's what it is, all right!!! I feel bad saying this, but yay!!! =) And definitely not telling her anything. =)

SkulleryMaid: How did you know? lol...yes, I'm in Philly. And now I'm wondering if anyone I've met since I've been here knows you. I've been led to believe that this community is ridiculously incestuous..everyone knows everyone..;) And again, so sorry about your breakup..I hope nobody I know was the one who treated you like that. =(

And I'm taking your advice...definitely not saying a word about the profile. I am mum. =)

Besides, maybe your ex has it coming. Just sayin'.

Hehehe..I love you for saying this. =)

NorthernRose

Sorry I'm a little late in responding, and I don't know how relevant my answers will be now that she dumped me, but I'll answer anyway. =)

First things first, how old are you and your partner?

Are you experiencing major life-changing problems recently?

And, do you, at some point, feel any physiologic problems?

- My ex-partner and I are in our late 20's.

- Yes. I am/was stressed because I lost my job, and before I lost the job, I was working in a hostile environment...I was continuous being harassed for being gay by a person who was blameless and faultless as far as everyone was concerned...and I was the newest hire. This same person was also falsifying paperwork and was not properly testing samples in our lab for microbial contamination..and I couldn't tell anyone for a variety of reasons. Also, I wasn't making enough money. My partner is/was stressed because of problems at her job and that she was also not making enough money...and she has ongoing difficulties with her parents that came up fairly often, as they live extremely close. And toward the end, we took in an abandoned and starving kitten...we fell in love and spent a ton that we couldn't afford on vet bills to make him healthy while worrying he wasn't going to make it. So, yes...lots of stress. Nothing life-changing, but it took a great deal of energy.

- And nope. All systems are a go physiologically speaking...=)

Thank you for any input you may have!!! =)

[Musical Articuno]

As promised, finally back here to reply to everyone..so sorry for the delay!! =)

Fantastic! It's quite alright-we missed you ^_^

I'm crossing my fingers for this, but in a strictly platonic sense, because I am SOOO not ready for another relationship right now..or anytime soon

Oh yes, I agree with you. I'm thinking a romantic relationship right now wouldn't be a good idea; you're on the road to full recovery. I'm just saying eventually in time, once this whole scenario bubbles over, you'll never know what can happen :)

to continue to read and respond to my whiny posts is making me feel so grateful and like someone really cares that I can't even explain the warmth that I feel when I read you guys' responses.

First off, your posts aren't whiny. At least, I don't see them that way (I don't know SkulleryMaid's thoughts other than what she's posted, so I will not say how she feels because I can't read minds! But, based on the fact there we both are continuing to respond, it's obvious we're both not deterred from posting :lol: ). I see them more like posts asking for advice on some new territory that you're experiencing. SkulleryMaid and I have written our thoughts and advice for getting through the experience, and it seems like you're handling it quite well :) On a side note, that warmth you're feeling could very well be love and Christmas cheer! :lol:

So, thank you to both of you...and *hugs* =)

Aw, it's really no problem And hugs are fantastic! ^_^

I am VERY MUCH looking forward to the this day coming...I can't wait!!

With that attitude, it will come very soon :)

I watched an episode of FRIENDS the other day that made me laugh, with Rachel leaving a message for Ross on his answering machine and she's all "And that, my friend, is what they call CLOSURE."

Haha, well that's a funny coincidence! Or it's fate/karma/God(s) if that's what you believe ^_^

I feel healthier because I'm still seeing my therapist and have been learning a lot about myself and the relationship I had with my ex...and actually about her..which might sound odd because she's not there...but it's been very helpful, and I don't know if the therapy would be helpful in the same way if she were involved in it, you know?

That's fantastic! :) And it's not odd at all to learn things about your ex! It's great to understand where other people are coming from because that definitely furthers our understanding of each other as human beings. You are learning tools to use when you have a new relationship with someone (not right now, but in the near future! :) ) In a sense, you are preparing to start again, so the example you have to work with is your ex. Learn as much as you can, for it will help with all future relationships.

Feel free to keep on posting! We're listening/reading! ^_^

[sister spooky]

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...she wanted to drop off cat food today, and I was stupid to let her. Now I feel like I'm back where I started. I sent her an email saying that I wanted to cut off contact completely because I can't take this emotional turmoil anymore. Every single time we're in contact I feel like I'm begin ripped in two...and she's completely fine.

It's not fair and I can't breathe and I can't eat and all I've done since she left is cry...what is wrong with me????? I can't get a grip on myself. I feel like I'm literally losing my mind...I don't want to do anything but lay in a ball and fall asleep and never wake up again. I can't even begin to describe this kind of pain....my heart hurts, my soul hurts...I'm numb and hollow and I don't want to even think into the next day.

I wish I never met her, that I never fell in love, and I hope that I never fall in love again.

I can't reach anyone to talk to.

Thanks for listening everyone...I just don't know what to do...I don't want to hurt like this anymore. Why won't it go away?

[Carsonspire]

Sister Spooky,

First: *hugs* . They're digital, but feel them anyway.

Second: everyone heals at different rates. Your ex may be a fast healer, or she may just be putting up a façade. (Any acting in her background?) In the end, though, it doesn't matter how fast she heals or how fast you heal. What matters is that you heal at all and that you take care of yourself in the process.

Third: I haven't responded much in this thread because as an ace who has never been in a committed relationship, I am way out of my league. However, I have appreciated you being so open and I have learned so much from the various replies. People here care. Keep writing, keep talking. We're listening.

Take good care,

Carsonspire

[Musical Articuno]

Gee, talk about incredibly bad timing x_X You were doing SO well, and then BAM! This brick wall...X_X I can't help but be reminded of one of your earlier posts, however-

I want her to miss me every single day, I want her to hurt like I hurt over the fact that the future we were going to have is gone. I feel like she doesn't even care that she doesn't have me in her life everyday...to talk to, to text, to spend time with, to just hang out with without scheduled plans, to love, to support, to kiss, to hug, to touch.

You are at a low point again, which is absolutely understandable! This happens in these kinds of situations, but what's important to understand is that, eventually, this roller coaster ride of emotions will stabilize. I'd like to think that it's like an oscillating wave (I hate physics SO much, but I couldn't think of a better example X[ ). There are high points, and there are low points as the wave "moves" (think of a sine wave!); however, if there is something "dampening" the wave, eventually, the high points and low points will eventually get smaller and smaller until there is no oscillation in the wave (in essence, there's no movement-it looks like a straight line). The rate at which the points get smaller is known as the "dampening constant" in physics. So, if a Cartesian coordinate plane (just the y-axis) represents our emotions, and high points indicate happiness and low points indicate sadness, an emotional disturbance (like your breakup, for instance) will cause the wave to start, like putting your hand in still water to form ripples. So, your healing (when your emotions are stabilized) will happen at its own rate. It seems like you girlfriend had a "faster" rate, but that shouldn't (and doesn't) matter since all that's important right now is you. How she heals shouldn't affect you because she's not involved with you anymore.

what is wrong with me?????

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you! You've just gone through a really hard breakup, and you're at a real low point right now :( It's best to get out of that dark hole ASAP-remember, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

I wish I never met her, that I never fell in love, and I hope that I never fall in love again.

I'm so so so so so so SO sorry you are feeling this way :( This is by far the worst feeling we can ever experience and is perhaps the biggest reason against feeling emotions in the first place. It is such a deeply emotional experience that SO many songs are devoted to them, even to this day. Perhaps one of my favorites (by Cher no less!) is Heart of Stone. I've linked it below, so you can listen to it when you want to.

Let me also point out that you felt this way earlier this month (I'll quote below), and I want you to answer this question (you don't have to post it here, you can answer just for yourself if you want). Do you feel AS LOW as you did December 2nd? It's understandable if you do! I remember not being able to feel a difference for at least a month and a half. Time, I'm afraid, is the only true cure for this feeling, and we have to wait until it stabilizes. Distraction can ease it quite a bit, so that might help.

I'm still feeling like I never want to fall in love again...that if it's going to hurt this badly when it ends, how do people do this all the time? And why should I bother investing so much time and energy and love and emotion into someone if they're just going to drop me like a hot potato when things get hard? I want to be able to trust that someone will stick around and love me when things are difficult, and I want to be able to do the same for them. I don't give up on people I love, that's just how I am...I need to find someone that feels the same way.

Remember, love will find its way back again, and we are drawn to its wonderful "feeling" it brings us :)

Why won't it go away?

I promise you, this feeling WILL go away. It just takes time for the healing. I know it seems like it never will, but it will. Until then, have some hugs and cake! :)

*virtual bear hug* and :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

We are listening-we want to help as best we can :)

[sister spooky]

Carsonspire:

First: *hugs* . They're digital, but feel them anyway.

Thank you! They're much appreciated! =)

What matters is that you heal at all and that you take care of yourself in the process.

I'm trying...I really am.

Third: I haven't responded much in this thread because as an ace who has never been in a committed relationship, I am way out of my league. However, I have appreciated you being so open and I have learned so much from the various replies. People here care. Keep writing, keep talking. We're listening.

I don't think you're out of your league...after all, romantic relationships aren't that much different than friendships and family relationships, you know? The only addition would be sex and all those biological urges/feelings of sexual attraction that a great many people have. Other than that, it's just an extremely strong emotional, affectionate connection. I mean, yes...there's the falling in love, but people who don't have any interest in the sex part can still fall in love. I think I'm getting off-track, but my point was that I think you (and everyone else) is more than qualified to have an opinion...lol =)

And you're welcome for the openness..it's mostly because I really needed to talk and people here were fantastic listeners/advice givers...it helped me a lot, especially since I've never done this whole break-up thing before. My emotions keep going up and down, but all of you have helped me feel like I'm not alone. I really appreciate it. *hugs*

Music Is Life:

Good lord, I HATE it when physics actually applies to everyday life. lol! ;) That actually makes a lot of sense, though.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you! You've just gone through a really hard breakup, and you're at a real low point right now :( It's best to get out of that dark hole ASAP-remember, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Thank you for this...I keep thinking that I should be getting over this faster than I am. I'm not used to my emotions being all crazy like this.

I'm so so so so so so SO sorry you are feeling this way :( This is by far the worst feeling we can ever experience and is perhaps the biggest reason against feeling emotions in the first place. It is such a deeply emotional experience that SO many songs are devoted to them, even to this day. Perhaps one of my favorites (by Cher no less!) is Heart of Stone. I've linked it below, so you can listen to it when you want to.

I guess if we didn't feel this way when things are really really bad, there would be no way to truly appreciate how things feel when they're really really good...right? lol...trying to find a silver lining here...=) And OMG LOVE Cher!!!! =) Cher love is one of the few gay stereotypes I actually live up to...;)

Do you feel AS LOW as you did December 2nd? It's understandable if you do! I remember not being able to feel a difference for at least a month and a half. Time, I'm afraid, is the only true cure for this feeling, and we have to wait until it stabilizes. Distraction can ease it quite a bit, so that might help.

I did when I posted on Dec 17th, I don't anymore....this emotional rollercoaster is SO weird..lol. =) Sometimes, especially when I'm distracted, I feel so strong and so over her and like I don't know what the hell I was so upset about the day before....but then something little and seemingly insignificant will trigger me and I'll be a mess again. It's SO frustrating.

We are listening-we want to help as best we can

Thank you so much for this...*hugs* =)

[Musical Articuno]

Good lord, I HATE it when physics actually applies to everyday life.

My sentiments exactly x_X I'm not a physics person-more of a biology and chemistry person myself :lol: I'm actually surprised that example came to me, to be completely honest!

I keep thinking that I should be getting over this faster than I am.

I know, but it'll take awhile. Don't worry about it-you'll get through it :)

I guess if we didn't feel this way when things are really really bad, there would be no way to truly appreciate how things feel when they're really really good...right? lol...trying to find a silver lining here...

There ya go! That's the way to think about it! :) There's a quote that best sums it up, but I'll paraphrase it because I don't quite remember it. "We only see the good times in a photo album, but it's the bad times that gets us from one photo to the next." (I don't remember who said it, though, but all the credit to them!)

OMG LOVE Cher!!!! =) Cher love is one of the few gay stereotypes I actually live up to...;)

And there's nothing wrong with that! Cher is just fabulous! :lol:

Sometimes, especially when I'm distracted, I feel so strong and so over her and like I don't know what the hell I was so upset about the day before

Yep, distractions definitely help XD And, the roller coaster is VERY frustrating, but it's completely normal. Just enjoy the ride! (Not that it's enjoyable, though...x_X)

Keep on posting! We've got your back! :lol:

[NorthernRose]

Hello spooky sister.

Just my thought...

for the most part, you were able to answer the root of all your insecurities. You are the complete perfectionist and I must say, you may be have an OCD personality.

That said, I've got one word for you: Chillax!

And, here's a ....

Hi everyone!

I'm posting here because though I don't think I'm asexual and my girlfriend certainly isn't, I need some ideas on how to help me overcome my sexual insecurities, and this is the very first forum I've found online that has such smart, thoughtful and genuinely warm, helpful posters.

My girlfriend and I (I'm also a woman) have been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and she has been exceedingly patient with me while I have been trying to get out of my head and have a normal, fun and loving sexual relationship with her. I was a virgin when we started seeing each other. I had no idea how to go about doing anything sexual and had never even kissed before. This was not true for her. She has been my first everything, and so far I have enjoyed the ride. Over the time we've been together, we've developed an emotional connection that I believe can and will never be matched. We know each other so well, it's unbelievable. I love her wholly and completely, and she loves me the same way. We are excellent at communicating our needs and wants with each other, and neither one of us would want to do anything to hurt the other. Unfortunately, we are in a situation where she has a normal healthy sex drive, whereas mine is low. Also, even though I want to please her sexually, my mind and body freeze up with thoughts of being inadequate, and it goes nowhere. She is understandably frustrated and feels undesired and rejected. She says that when we do have sex. she feels like it's all mechanical to me and that I'm just trying to get through it.

I've recently started seeing a therapist, but feel like it isn't helping...and have just contacted a sex therapist in our area. I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I've let my problem go on this long without really addressing it, but for a long time was so scared and didn't know how to talk this one thing.

For what it's worth, I thoroughly enjoy all the other aspects of our relationship...the kissing, the hugging, the touching, the confiding, spending time together, etc. Like she says, everything else is absolutely perfect.

My girlfriend is brilliant and sexy and sweet and funny and charming and undeniably perfect. She's always trying to help me, so suggested this forum. We thought that it was possible that I'm asexual, but I do feel sexual attraction towards her, I just think my sex drive isn't as strong as hers and lack of experience has made me feel insecure...and since I'm a notorious perfectionist, I want everything to be perfect when do have sex. I also enjoy sex a lot on those infrequent times when I've been able to get out of my head, and I also enjoy masturbation. Does this mean I can't be asexual?

She says she still loves me and that I'm not broken in any way, and that she knows I'm not doing anything to cause her pain intentionally. At the same time, she can't stay in a mostly sexless relationship any longer, for her own emotional and physical health, and has recently, with my blessing, started seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. However, that obviously isn't the best solution, as we are both very monogamous people, and I want to be the one to satisfy her sexually.

I'm so confused...if anyone has some insight or experience with a problem like this or advice on what to try to get my head to take a chill pill, any and all comments will be much appreciated. Thank you!

[sister spooky]

So...since you guys were so wonderful and helpful before, I'm kinda resurrecting this thread to ask another question. It's been nearly two months now since my ex moved out, and even longer since we "officially" broke up.

I'm at a place now where I know I'll be okay....she and I haven't seen each other since mid December and have had no contact other than her texting me once about her mail since then. Obviously I still love her very much and miss her like crazy, but I have people around to distract me and when it gets really bad I talk to one of them. I'd love for her to give us a chance to try again, but I promised myself that I wouldn't chase someone who doesn't want me (and I won't), and as far as I know she's happy with the chick she left me for. I still have some really bad days, but I'll get there. SO far I've stayed strong in no contacting her...and I'm proud of myself for that because I'm protecting my emotional health.

My point is though, that since she's been gone and the pressure is off, I feel like my sex drive is, well..."blossoming anew"...for lack of a better term. lol!

My dreams have been getting kind of crazy...GOOD crazy...and I've been experiencing times where I feel like if I don't have sex, I'm going to explode. I even woke up once just...buzzing with a kind of pent up sexual need like I've never had before in my life.

So the question is...is this normal? My ex was my first relationship and before her I didn't have much of a sex drive at all...I mostly masturbated out of curiosity more than anything else until it started to feel really good. And then my sexual relationship with my ex was rocky, which is what this whole thread was about....I wanted to be perfect and I was afraid because she was so much more experienced that I was and so I hid from my fear instead of dealing with it and she eventually got really fed up and left me. Blah blah blah.

Now all I want to do is make someone scream. You know, in a good way. ;) lol!

I'm still sure I'm not asexual...I obviously really like and feel the need and desire to have sex...but I just don't know what is going on with me.

Thoughts? =)

[Olivier]

I think that when you meet the right person, you're going to make them very happy. ;)

[Musical Articuno]

Looks like Stella's got her groove back! :lol: (lame movie reference...I couldn't resist ;) ) WOO! CELEBRATE!

Heh, I like disco :D *dances*

In honor of your second wind, may I present some cake?

:cake: :cake: :cake:

Regardless if it's "normal" or not, enjoy it!

[sister spooky]

I think that when you meet the right person, you're going to make them very happy. ;)

Aww, thanks! =)

Regardless if it's "normal" or not, enjoy it!

Oh, I plan to. ;) Thank you for the cake! =)

[Guest]

Your avatar changed, right? I like it!! Kitties...

[sister spooky]

Your avatar changed, right? I like it!! Kitties...

It changed from me not having one to this one, lol. I love kitties too! =)

And OMG, had a dream the other night where my ex's new girlfriend showed up at my place and talked me into sleeping with her. It was awful. And I woke up horrified in a cold sweat with my heart pounding.

What in the world is going on with me? This is getting ridiculous.

[sister spooky]

I'm bringing this thread back up because I need to vent and I'm in so much more pain than I ever thought I could be after my girlfriend and I broke up, but it's only gotten worse.

So...to catch everyone up, after my ex J broke up with me because of all of my sexual insecurities, she started dating this woman L. That was last November. In April, after a short and apparently very rocky few months, L kicked J out. They fought about all kinds of things, but they apparently spent quite a bit of time fighting about me...and that was weird to me because at that point, J and I were having little to no contact at all. We started meeting for coffee a few times to talk about her failing relationship, but that was few and far between.

So at the time they broke up, I had found a new job that I love and needed to move closer to and J was back at her parents' house. She and her parents had all had financial trouble (some because of bad money management, but mostly because of a string a really bad luck with rental properties they own) since they came to this country and all of them were in the process of declaring bankruptcy. J needed to get out of her parents' house so they could downsize and I needed to find an apartment closer to my job. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford much on my own yet and missed her so badly that I let myself believe it was okay for us to move in together to save money. She was excited and I was excited and I think we got too caught up in it.

When we moved in it was this past June and she made perfectly clear that she wanted to be single and that she couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right then, especially me. To make that even clearer, we made sure we got a two bedroom apartment. She's really sensitive to heat and we started having that ridiculous heat wave....and the air conditioner in her room didn't work. So, we both started sleeping in my room. Then when everything got figured out with her air conditioner we spent one night apart, and then we both started sleeping in her room.

I decided that I wanted to work on this whole sexual insecurity thing. I ordered some books and started reading but got really overwhelmed again and shrank back when J said that if I wanted her, I could come and get her this time. I wanted to so badly, but I was so afraid of what would happen...so I didn't do anything again.

In the meantime, since we still weren't together, she started talking to people on a dating website, and I didn't mind because I didn't think anything would come of it, and her offer to come and get her was still open.

About a week ago now we had a big blowout about my insecurities and at the end of that, I finally made the decision to stop being afraid. So for a week I was coming at her hardcore like I've always wanted to...kissing and touching and being as sexually aggressive as she's always wanted me to be...and I LIKED it. She drew the line at actual sex because she said she wasn't ready, but I was having a ton of fun.

So when we went to my parent's house this weekend for the holiday, I kept it up. That's when she told me she wanted to close the offer of me coming to get her. She says she wants to see how things go with this chick who she's talking to who lives 196 miles away.

She said our big blowout is when she realized that I'm not ready to change, but for me, that's exactly when I made the decision to finally stop being afraid. So it seems to me like I finally gave her what she wanted, and she wants to chase someone else again. I only want her.

We came home from my parents' early because she spent most of the time texting this chick and then spent an hour on Saturday night wandering around outside talking to her on the phone. Apparently, I'm not supposed to be hurt by that because she and I aren't together. She knows full well that I still love her though, more than anything, and part of me thinks she's trying to hurt me on purpose.

We've barely said two words to each other since we got home last night and I just feel completely devastated because I feel like she's playing with me on purpose.

I can't even wrap my head around the idea that she can so easily think about someone else. I couldn't even think about someone else while she and I were apart.

I feel like I'm losing her all over again and I don't know what to do.

So much for her not being able to be in a relationship. I'm waiting for the announcement that she's headed up to see this chick that's so far away and next that they're going to do a long distance relationship and then that she's going to move in with her once our lease is up. That's what I fully expect to happen.

I just can't do this anymore. My heart hurts and I don't know what to do.