Feeling out of place

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

This is going to sound really odd, but there's something that I've been thinking about that's gotten me down. I've found that, lately, I don't feel quite right hanging out on AVEN. I feel like my grey nature makes it a little harder for me to identify with the overall mood that's present with this site - but at the same time, I don't feel entirely comfortable with sexual people either.

Because I'd probably want and enjoy sex in the right circumstances, I don't feel entirely right around the aces who are repulsed, or ones who say they'd never have sex for as long as they live - especially since I'm kind of curious as to what sex would be like, and I'm trying to explore my own sexual side by figuring out the best ways to help myself (if you get what I mean). I feel like, because I can't completely understand it when people think that sexuals are all annoying or that sex is something really unthinkably odd, that I'm not ace enough. I know that's a really elitist thing to say, but it's still something that I feel. Probably because, if I could be in a relationship, and if I'd have been lucky in love before now, I probably wouldn't be a virgin. My virginity, as awesome as it is, is both a symbol of my moral standings (since I haven't just chucked it away like some people have) and of the fact that I've never known what it's like to be in loving relationship - which, I'll be honest, is something which makes me sad. While I've never had any kind of physical urge to have sex, I know it's something I'd do if I truly loved someone, and my lack of sexual desire has actually made me turn down my first love because I couldn't understand how love could work without it - and while I've learnt my lesson there, the damage is done. If I were in a relationship, I'd probably act just like any "normal" heterosexual girl my age, and that makes me feel almost like I'm a liar when I say I identify as being part of the asexual scale.

But at the same time, I don't feel right around overtly sexual people who think that love = immediate want for sex. Around people like that, when they find out that I've never been in a relationship, I'm treated to either pity or a bizarre kind of awe. I've had people compliment me for "doing things my own way," and I had someone SHAKE MY HAND because being a virgin at my age in the place I live is apparently a great achievement. I'm just not sure what to make of either reaction - like, the people who pity me are probably well-meaning but going about it in COMPLETELY the wrong way, while I'm kind of sad that my virginity is something that I'm being congratulated on - both because of how I've never had love (see above), and because of the idea that most people have expected me to lose it by now. I hear my sexual acquaintances say about how they have sex early in their relationships, and how a lot of their relationships are built on the idea of their partners being "hot", and I feel like I can never know what that's like, and that alienates me.

To sum up, I don't know where I fit here. Am I closer to being sexual, or asexual? Because I don't feel comfortable in either group, if I'm being honest. And I'm still unsure, even now, whether I'm really a sheltered sexual who just needs some experience or if I'm really asexual - I'm horrified at both the idea of not belonging in this spectrum at all, and at the idea of being involved with someone and having absolutely no enjoyment with them whatsoever. Yes, I know that sexual/asexual relationships can work, but my confidence in even getting involved with someone is pretty low - I can't imagine coming out as completely asexual to someone I'm in love with, because I fear the idea that they'd just leave me. Being demisexual is so damn confusing, sometimes. :( Does anyone else feel like this, though?

[glass weegie]

i understand how you're feeling. if i were you, i would try to just stay calm and carry on. let nature take it's course. and as to where you belong, you belong wherever you feel most comfortable. i know many people are in the same place as you, and they generally feel the same way. just relax and have some . this too shall pass.

[Caspian]

Great Thief, I know how you feel. I've spent great lengths wrestling with things I feel and things I don't feel in an attempt to determine how closely I identify with the various AVEN labels, and I finally had to give up because it wasn't working for me. I don't know what to call myself anymore, but I've decided to call myself "sexual" for the simple reason that the average heterosexual doesn't give a crap about how to label themselves. I know it sounds silly, but this is my way of giving myself permission to feel whatever I feel-- when I tried using other labels, I was constantly trying to make sure that my feelings stayed within the label I had chosen.

Although I'm a virgin in every sense of the term, I feel that this fact is more due to happenstance than who I am or what I've chosen. I've never been in love-- I'm not even sure if I ever want to be in love. Sure, I want to be in love in the same way that every little kid wants to be a grown-up. I know that my fairy-tale perception of love is entirely unrealistic, but I often wonder if it's even possible for me to understand "true" love... and I wonder if it would even appeal to me if I knew what love was really about. In some ways, I feel like I'm waiting for the "perfect" person, but would I even realize it if I ever met the perfect person because I'm holding out for an impossibility to occur?

I used to be among those who think that sexuals are icky because I never experienced sexual attraction or libido prior to the age of 23. I was essentially a nonlibidoist asexual elitist. It wasn't until this past month (I'm now 25) that I realized that my elitism has prevented me from admitting to myself that I am capable of experiencing sexual attraction. Now that I'm honest with myself, I know that I can't identify as ace anymore, but the elitism that I'm trying to rid myself of is still there, and it makes me feel icky to identify as sexual. However, I feel that the truth is that I am sexual.... wanting to be asexual doesn't make it so.

Nothing I've written here should be considered as "advice." I'm simply expressing how I feel... and saying that I think I can relate to what you've expressed.

EDIT: Wow, I really rambled there. Sorry . The truth is that we're all very unique from one another, and so it should come as no surprise that some people have difficulty finding a group to "fit in" with. You don't have to belong, and you certainly don't have to make yourself fit. Someday you'll likely find someone who understands you. Maybe it'll be a potential partner, maybe it'll just be a good friend. Don't give up :).

[Hailtheplatypus]

I understand how you feel, Ive had issues with that problem for quite a while. In the end I figured out that who I was simply went beyond labels. I consider myself asexual, but if i find something that makes more sense later on im willing to change. I would just recommend trying to be yourself and see what happens, the community will be able to accept you regardless.

with regards

-hailtheplatypus

[TheMuffinMan]

Do you really need a group? I mean I tried out sex just to see what it was like, and I'm not repulsed by it in any way, and if I was really bored and someone was like "Let's have consequence-free sex!" I'd probably go for it, which makes me sort of not asexual. (For people who want to argue about what specifically that would be, shut up I don't care.) This board is hardly dominated by repulsed asexuals (in fact they're pretty marginalized here), it's just sort of a place that's friendlier for asexuals because it's one of the few places you can be where not having sex-for whatever reason-isn't met with reactions of incredulity or astonishment.

[lastyear]

Are we the same person??? You can fit in with the rest of us who don't fit in.

I feel extremely conflicted like the way you described when it comes to my sexuality and gender. I feel like a traitor if I identify as a man or anything other than gay. I need to stop identifying with my feelings, I am not anything but a human. I may experience "homosexual" feelings, but I am not those feelings. In comparison, a person is not depressed rather they experience a depressed state or feeling. Did I make any sense?

[kochouran]

When I found this site, I was already in a sexual relationship that I am perfectly happy with so I was apprehensive about posting. I wasn't sure I could call myself an asexual when I enjoyed sex. Even if I was still a virgin, I think I would feel the apprehension because my fantasies do involve people I am attracted to (just ones that I don't know personally) yet at the same time, sex repulsed me quite a bit. Even now I still struggle with that duality. I've felt the same way back when I referred to myself as bisexual because my feelings were never that clear-cut.

Sometimes it does take experience via trial-and-error for us to get a better idea of who we are. If my boyfriend hadn't made sexual advances that I sometimes could not receive, I probably wouldn't have questioned my sexuality (or lack of it) and discovered the ace community.

As long as you're being true to yourself, you shouldn't need to worry about coming off as false. While some people have a need for categories and rules, many of us do understand and accept that sexuality is fluid and that there are exceptions to the rules (that's why I love the Jack Harkness quote in my sig).

[Alter-Echo]

Yeah....I feel like this at times...I feel odd because in relationship situations, I really enjoy sex, and I sometimes feel that many of the others here think less of me because of it. However....I still feel that the people here understand me far more than the sexual people I know...the people here don't seem to view me as damaged or broken...so all in all, I still feel I prolly fit in better with asexuals here than I do with sexuals.

[Rebuilder]

I see what you mean, I'm not exactly Ace or Sexual either, but for pretty much all things related to sex, I'm certainly on the same boat as Aces. But then again **TMI Advisory**, I have certain fetishes along with Grey-asexuality, where if I came out as Ace, then what would happen if they found out about the rest?

In my personal opinion, I think it's best if you tried not to be too hard on yourself about this. Just give it some time, and do what you see as fit for these kinds of situations.

[Guest]

I don't know why today is "Jennifer lectures Yata about age" day, but so it is...

Listen. Lots of teenagers feel out of place. That's pretty much what defines being a teenager. Personally I didn't lose my virginity until ages 19 and 21, respectively (girl then boy). I would say I experienced first love around 19ish. A lot of people experience it later than that. Not fitting in to typical obnoxious overtly heterosexual sexuality doesn't mean you're asexual... it just means you have a different personality, that you appreciate different things in the world. In my opinion, most intelligent people feel that way when they're younger... being all caught up in which boy asks you out, and how funny boners are, and all the hotties playing basketball at Friday's big game... ugh, gross!! If I had to place bets, I'd say that at least 50% of all sexuals find that stuff obnoxious too, and probably felt very left out or different during high school and college. Not fitting into the culture of sexuality has nothing to do with your own sexuality, so don't let that trouble you.

I agree with the Doctor... just relax and give it some time. :)