Attraction, panic attacks, and labels

[Verith]

So, I've been playing around with the idea that I might be ace for a year or two... at this point I'm considering that I might be gray of some sort. I guess the best way to sum up my past sort-of-attractions (not sure if it's ever been legit sexual attraction before or not) is as demi, I've never been attracted to anyone I didn't have some sort of feelings for. Usually it was pretty inconsistent too. I think I might have been sexually attracted to my most recent ex, who I dated for a year, off and on.

But anyway. I met this guy, and I'm like... consistently and intensely attracted to him, even before I got to know him at all. None of which has ever happened before. I don't know if maybe I'm a late bloomer (I'm 18 right now), or if I just never met anyone I've truly been attracted to, or what but... it's super weird. I think that perhaps it's even sexual attraction, and if not then there's at least something really obviously physical to it.

The thing is sexual stuff sort of freaks me out/makes me really awkward/uncomfortable. Which is maybe why I have a hard time with the whole "is it SEXUAL attraction" thing, because my mind doesn't really... go there? Maybe? I'm pretty confused right now. I really want him physically (and well, there's sort of been stuff going on there, hahaha. and actually being attracted to him makes it mess with my mind soo much o_o) but I guess... I don't know if that crosses over sexually? Nurp.

I also tend to have these little panicky-anxiety attack things (I don't really know what to call them) when I get uncomfortable physically with people... or sometimes it's just random even if stuff that I'm usually okay with is happening. I start to shake and can't breathe properly etc... Some sexualish stuff happened last time I was with this guy and I kinda flipped out a bit.

The thing is I'm a lot better with stuff than I used to be, I got pretty far in my books with my last boyfriend. So I guess I'm confused about whether I'm sexually repulsed or if I just need to ease into things to get comfortable with them. And I still don't really know what to label myself at this point, if I'm a late bloomer or gray or ace or repulsed sexual, and I know it's not super important but I want to keep working on figuring out how I work. So if anyone has input or advice... (:

[Member33070]

First off...let's take that "late bloomer" concept and the attachment to labels and just kick them out the window for a second. I know, it's scary and hard to do. But it's much easier to think about things that way.

Alright. So.

You say that you might be experiencing sexual attraction. Describe this. What exactly is going on? Is it sexual in nature, or just a sort of "wow, this person is rather nice to look at"? Do you get sexual urges/desires/fantasies/thoughts/feelings (mental or physical) when you think about/see this person?

If there's nothing sexual about it, it's probably not sexual attraction.

BUT. I do believe that repulsion can "hide" sexual attraction. I spent a huge chunk of my life as a somewhat repulsed nonlibidoist asexual (up until the middle of last summer). I'm coming into the *opinion* that, for me at least, the repulsion was causing me to be "afraid" of sex stuff or "bothered" by it. This may have been influencing my libido or not. I know it's possible to be a repulsed sexual, so I'm not saying that repulsion automatically determines asexuality or anything. I just think it can influence libido.

Right, so if repulsion can influence libido, let's introduce another concept. I also hold the opinion that someone with a completely nonexistent libido can't really experience sexual attraction. Since sexual attraction requires some initial involuntary interest in sex. Without that, I don't see how someone could experience sexual attraction (again, my opinion). So it might be that if one's libido is lowered for whatever reason, one experiences sexual attraction less often.

Repulsion adds another dimension to it, though - because any sexual stuff that's remaining is seen as "scary" or "yucky" (depending on the person). I used to be repulsed as well, and would have little panicky reactions. I really didn't like the way it felt, so I worked on desensitizing myself to sexual stuff. It was hard at first, but I'd just force myself to look at things a bit longer than I wanted to, think about myself in sexual situations, etc. I did this for two or three years, until my repulsion was pretty much gone.

So I think you can get rid of your repulsion, mostly. There will be some lingering still, probably.

The thing that gets rid of repulsion completely for those that have it, in my opinion, is experiencing sexual attraction. The things that once seemed icky are now suddenly super exciting and desirable and you don't know why.

So...if you feel like working on your repulsion, you might be able to get it down to a manageable level. Might. I'm not sure if it works for everyone, I was able to do it though, so it's worth a shot.

Then, in my case, soon after getting rid of my repulsion, I developed a libido and experience sexual attraction frequently enough that I now identify as sexual. I'm not sure how related everything is...just sharing experiences. There are no guarantees that with a lowered repulsion you will magically start experiencing sexual attraction more often or anything.

So...I think you've got some exploring to do before you commit to a label. But, luckily, gray fits everyone who's still figuring themselves out.

I'm here for you if you've got any questions, by the way...my PM box is always open. :cake:

[Verith]

I have been patient with the whole label thing, I promise! Terms make stuff easier to understand/talk about sometimes though. It would be nice to eventually have one buuuuut you know. See how it goes :P

(Also I would quote parts of your post to make my answers clearer but I can't remember how to quote just parts of people's posts and I'm too tired to figure it out right now... sorry >_> I'm a noob for forums)

Well, I am certainly attracted to this guy physically. Usually when I like someone or whatever it's all like "oh this person is good looking I guess" and sometimes a bit of a tug, but this is like RAWR super distracting enjoying looking at him and big tug in terms of wanting him in a physical way. I guess the sexual part is still a question mark... I think some of the things I would like to do with him could be described as sexual but I don't want to do anything that say, involves taking pants off, or seeing him naked, etc.

So I don't know if it's just because of my perhaps repulsion to sexual things that is keeping me from this being what would be sexual attraction? Or if my mind just doesn't go there anyway? In a way it almost seems like it should be considered sexual attraction just because I've been physically attracted to people (although inconsistently with everyone else) to some extent before, but this is way more intense than anything I've felt previously, -and- happened before I got to know him. (also it makes me head all superrr fuzzyyy when we kiss o_o it's weiiird)

My libido is pretty weird. I used to not really mind it, and then I absolutely hated having one, and now I'm sort of half-way between. It used to be normalish spectrum (?) but nowadays it mostly only acts up during certain parts of my cycle, I think, and then every once in a while just random. I dunno. I suppose right now it could be because of ze boy but I'm not certain about that yet. It's existent anyway, whether I care for it or not :P (I would rather decide what I want to do rather than have my body tell me what I want to do :| not that I -have- to listen to it but it's rather annoying)

I don't necessarily dislike sexual feelings. It just really freaks me out when it's happening with another person. And it's sort of hard to enjoy when you're busy freaking out xD I have enjoyed sexual stuff with my ex, though it took a long time for me to get there, but what we did was satisfying enough that I never wanted to actually legitimately have sex or do anything that required the taking off of underwear xD boy parts really freak me out a lot.

[Lucinda]

Easing into it could be a plan that would work. :)

Lucinda

[Guest]

I'm coming into the *opinion* that, for me at least, the repulsion was causing me to be "afraid" of sex stuff or "bothered" by it. This may have been influencing my libido or not. I know it's possible to be a repulsed sexual, so I'm not saying that repulsion automatically determines asexuality or anything. I just think it can influence libido.

Right, so if repulsion can influence libido, let's introduce another concept. I also hold the opinion that someone with a completely nonexistent libido can't really experience sexual attraction. Since sexual attraction requires some initial involuntary interest in sex. Without that, I don't see how someone could experience sexual attraction (again, my opinion). So it might be that if one's libido is lowered for whatever reason, one experiences sexual attraction less often.

This is interesting... hadn't thought of any of this before.

OP - First, don't worry about age, being a late bloomer, any of that. The age that people begin experimenting with sex is based on so many different variables... peer pressure, curiosity, having older siblings/friends, etc. I started experimenting sexually around 17-18. I'm very sexual now. My girlfriend lost her virginity at 14, and she's asexualish. The "when" doesn't matter, so don't stress about it.

You should never do something you don't want to do. At the same time, if we never did anything that made us uncomfortable, we'd never learn, grow, experience new things. There's a line to be walked, and I can't tell you where it is. Where ever you decide that line is, though, should be because of you, and you alone... not just because you're trying to keep this guy around.

[Verith]

Well, I doubt I would do anything for the purpose of keeping him around cause... well... if he would leave because of that I don't really want him around anyway. Plus I would have a panic attack thingy and it wouldn't go so great anyway hahaha.