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Skullery Maid

Sexuals Aren't All The Same Either... I Think

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Skullery Maid

I decided to play in my own sandbox for a minute. I've been active with the grays in trying to suss out a difference between "gray" and "sexual". My objection from the beginning is that the only definition for "sexual" is "feels sexual attraction", which suggests a HUGE variety of expressed sexualities within the big umbrella... and yet if you read thru the forums on AVEN, you'd come to think that all aces are unique snowflakes, while all sexuals are exactly the same.

I also know that polls aren't super helpful, because I only know my experiences... so I won't even think to ask questions that would illuminate parts of others' sexualities that I'm unaware of. So...

I'M LAYING OUT DETAILS OF MY SEXUALITY. I'M ASKING OTHER SEXUALS TO DO THE SAME.

_______________________________________

1. I'm not super romantic. I'm probably "demi-romantic".

2. I mostly (and maybe only) experience secondary attraction. I am not attracted to people who I don't genuinely like.

3. I have a fairly high libido, I think, although I really have no idea where other people's libido's lie.

4. I get a lot of pleasure out of giving pleasure. I am, in a sense, a "bottom". This may or may not be "secondary desire".

5. I don't fantasize. I don't even understand what a fantasy is like... to my knowledge I've never had one that has been removed from any actual sexual interaction. By that I mean, if I'm near someone that I have sex with, and my libido kicks in, I suppose I fantasize about what I'm going to do before I do it... but it's more or less tangled up in the actuality of sexual interaction.

6. I also, to my knowledge, haven't felt what I would consider sexual attraction for many people (like maybe 2, ever) that I couldn't have sex with. I've never felt attraction to someone on tv, and only for 2 friends maybe ever, and in general when I'm in relationships I don't feel attraction for other people because sex isn't an option. I'm not saying it never happens, but its rare.

7. I am homosexual. I don't usually call myself this... I don't usually call myself anything, but I'm more than aware that society calls me this. I feel neither proud nor ashamed about my queerness... it just is what it is.

7. I identify as "sexual" because I don't think the above details are anyone's business, nor make me more or less normal than any other person. I just don't see my personal sexual preferences to be at all important to my concept of me.

Tag, you're it!!

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JerseyArenal

I am a romantic, I'd like to do romantic things because it creates an intimate atmosphere that creates a stronger bond. Stuff like going to a party is fine, I'm not big into planning a romantic get away to a mountain or anything. More like when everything is over and were home she falls asleep in my arms. stuff like that.

I'm attracted to people I know, I have no feelings to physical attraction only. I want the emotional connection more then a physical one.

Super high, I'm a guy so I find it normal but it's only towards the person I care about.

I take no pleasure in getting, only giving pleasure. I'm not gonna be rude though, if they want it to be equal I have no problems with that. But then again I have no problems with only giving or neither of us being physical.

I fantasize more then I'd actually do, I find it easier and I'd rather fantasize with someone I want to be with then be with someone else.

I've felt sexual attraction to others but it's for the reason that they have similarities to the one I love. They are only fantasies though and would never act on them. I just feel they are attractive because they have similar characteristics. Though it is more because they appear like the person I care about which reminds the girl I love.

I'm heterosexual.

I'm Sexual even though my lack of sexual activity because I have the desire to want to please my partner but only if it's what she wants. If she's happy not having sex I'd remain non-sexual to make her happy.

TAG! Next one that Reads this is IT!

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Tegid

1. The first 18 years of my life, I was as solitary in terms of need-for-friends and need-for-romance as a person can be without being absolutely antisocial. IRL I had two nonsexual romantic relationships that each lasted just under a year; these occurred three years apart. Online, I had three of what might be termed 'digital flings', very short quasi-romantic relationships that involved cybering (sex through Instant Messengers and e-mails, the text equivalent of phone sex, I suppose); all of them were very close online friends who I found aesthetically pleasant and somewhat-attractive-on-an-emotional-level, but the cybering was, without exception, all for their enjoyment... and pretty routine on my end. :-/

Since then, I've been in a romantic and sexual relationship for nearly three years (fiance). I live with him. I still register in my own mind as "paragon of solitude-seeking", but he doesn't show up on my radar as somebody intrusive from whom to pursue solitude. He's definitively the only relationship I've ever had that felt 'permanent' in the sense that no part of me is remotely willing to exist without him.

Way I see it, I went from romance-avoidant to hyperromantic-with-him-only.

2. I mostly experience secondary attraction; the only person who has ever activated the primary type in me is the aforementioned fiance. I am... just not attracted to anybody else, on any level, since him. I met him through a pscyhology forum and knew and adored him for months before I had a clue what his appearance was; I was attracted to him in our first conversation.

3. I have a very high libido, if I am to rely on friends' accounts as a basis of judgment. I get much pleasure out of being on the giving or receiving end; they're pretty much the same thing to me.

4. I see people as interesting, pretty-or-unpretty, but just... tree-ish. I wouldn't kiss a tree; I wouldn't kiss a person other than the one to whom I'm engaged. They just- don't- register... on any attraction radar I have, either for their physical or mental traits.

5. I don't fantasize about people; I fantasize about sensations and actions. None of it is audiovisual; it's all tactile.

6. My fiance is the only person to whom I've ever felt sexually attracted. Past relationships were all basically varying levels of being attracted to their mind, or deepening of a long-term friendship into what amounted to a mild unsexualized romance.

7. I'm cisfemale; my guy is cismale. I think of myself as straight, in both psychology and behaviour.

8. I identify as demisexual with very high libido; I don't blare this to the world, or anything, but I have a mind that very much likes to establish clear labels and definitions.

Before I met my guy, also before I ever heard 'asexual' used as anything other than a high school biology reference, I basically considered myself to be sexual. Since learning the term in this context, and since meeting my fiance... 'sexual' just doesn't feel accurate as a label for me, when set in terms of frequency and intensity of attraction. I just feel... asexual with a single permanent exception.

EDIT: also, TAG; next reader = it. :)

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foxwithwings13

1. I consider myself a homoromantic. I would like to spend the rest of my life with a women. I get crushes only on women (with the exception of 1 very feminine male).

2. When i do experience sexual attraction (mabye a few times a year) it is intense with men. I can get aroused by women but not to the same extent i can with men. and there is little desire to act on that arousal when it is a women.

3. I guess you could say i have a high libido.. I masturbate frequently but i usually dont fantasize when im doing so.

4. My aesthetic attraction is almost always towards women. I find it hard to pick out a "hot" or "cute" guy. But i can easily do so when im asked to do so with a girl. Also my "cuddle attraction"- or what i guess i call physical/sensual attraction is also always towards women. I get those attractions frequently...

5.I see absoulubtly 0% of connection between sexual and romantic attraction. I find it realy weird other people seem to express their love by having sex.. For me sex is only for my own self-pleasure. And in alot of ways i see it as a 'game' of dominance.

6. I definantly think sex is over-rated. I could go the rest of my life without sexual contact and i would be okay with that.. I wouldn't prefer it but i'd be okay with it. I also get aggrivated that talk of sex is all over the place. I dont understand when people say its 'the best feeling in the world'.

7. I do identify as sexual.. for now. I feel like im pulled between identifying as sexual or grey-a.

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Nameless Someone

1. I believe I'm heteroromantic, but I'm not entirely sure.

2. I mostly experience secondary attraction.

3. My libido is medium, I'd say.

4. When I masturbate, my fantasies are never of me sexing someone, instead they're usually of made-up or fictional characters having sex with each other. xD It just feels wacky to diddle to the thought of me sleeping with somebody.

5. I've never felt sexual attraction toward a celebrity.

6. When I was 14 I discovered AVEN and quickly adopted the asexual label due to the above quirks.... I'm almost 19 and I now identify as (bi)sexual.

Great thread!

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BunnyK.

I'm a cisfemale who is entirely heteroromantic.

I am mostly heterosexual as well but not entirely.

I experience primary and secondary sexual attraction, with secondary probably being more common but not by much. I experience them both whether in a relationship or out - I commonly develop sexually-charged crushes on other people even when I'm in a relationship, although it's pretty rare that I act on them. I can be attracted to a celebrity in an aesthetic sense, but usually I need to know if I like the texture and smell of the other person before I can consider actually having sex with them. For me, some people can be totally hygienic and still smell icky and that's a big turnoff.

I guess I wouldn't be attracted to someone I didn't like, but since I like most people it's kind of hard to say.

I'm not a selfish lover but I'm not terribly happy if the sex is only for the other person - I think it should be mutually fun.

My libido ranges anywhere from psychotically high to practically non-existent, currently it's sitting around medium-low.

I do have fantasies, they are generally like any other daydream except with sexual content, unless I'm fantasizing with the intent to masturbate, in which case they focus a lot more on touch and sensation. I usually fantasize quite a bit if I'm not in a sexual relationship, then not so much when I'm partnered up.

Edited: Frequency also seems to be desirable info so I'll say that there have been times in my life when I could happily have sex twice a day, and times where I could happily have had sex twice per ever. Right now I've settled down at somewhere between 1-3 times per week, with the occasional spike or dip. Since my boyfriend's drive is pretty consistently higher than mine, I usually end up giving out one or two extra "treats" per week where we don't have intercourse but he still gets satisfied...so I guess I engage in something sexual at least 2-4 times per week, and I'd say it's usually more toward the 4 end.

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Pamcakes

1. I'm a cisfemale who is highly romantic.

2. I experience primary and secondary sexual attraction, though attraction for me intensifies with contact, so I am more likely to find myself feeling powerfully attracted to someone I've been on a few dates with than someone I glimpse once in a club.

3. I have a very high libido, which is genuinely distracting when it is not being regularly satisfied. Given total control, I would engage in sex at least once a day, but taking practicalities (such as a busy social life and no longer living with a sexual partner, thus reducing the opportunities available) into consideration, once a week is generally enough to keep my libido 'pacified'.

4. I love to give pleasure, and I love to receive. Slightly more the former than the latter; a good example is in oral sex - I enjoy it very much, but I would generally offer before I would ask.

5. I adore the physical sensations of sex, and they can take me right up to the edge, but I require fantasy to tip me over into climax.

6. I am rarely strongly chemically attracted, and never in such a way that I couldn't control myself if indulging the attraction is unwise. It has been my experience that, outside of situations which are objectively sexually exciting (for a Sexual person e.g. close dancing, lying in each other's arms, gazing into each other's eyes, et.c) in their nature, I can control the development of my level of sexual tension with someone to whom I have an established attraction as is practical.

7. I have been, to date, entirely heterosexual. My gender preference, however, isn't any real, important part of my self-image, and I remain open to the idea that one day I may fall madly in love with someone who just happens to be a woman.

8. I identify as "Sexual" because I undeniably am.

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Skullery Maid

3. I have a very high libido, which is genuinely distracting when it is not being regularly satisfied. Given total control, I would engage in sex at least once a day, but taking practicalities (such as a busy social life and no longer living with a sexual partner, thus reducing the opportunities available) into consideration, once a week is generally enough to keep my libido 'pacified'.

4. I love to give pleasure, and I love to receive. Slightly more the former than the latter; a good example is in oral sex - I enjoy it very much, but I would generally offer before I would ask.

I feel ya on these two! I should probably edit my original post to add in my preferred frequency, but I'm lazy, so I'll just do it here.

I also would have sex daily in a perfect, stress-free world, but between tiredness and crankiness and being busy, I'd say that my satiation level is probably 3 times a week. For a long time my partner and I tried to shoot for once a week, but since I was disappointed with that amount (too low for me), and she was disappointed with that amount (too much for her), we've decreased frequency. She has greater satisfaction now and my satisfaction level has remained the same, so all together it made sense to lower the frequency.

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Mag

1. I'm not romantic at all. Sometimes I wish I was, but oh well...maybe that'll change. I've never had a crush.....squishes? yea, but romantic feelings? nope. =/

2. It's weird....as long as things don't get romantic, I can be attracted to whoever I think is attractive, but as soon as there's a hint of romance.....all attraction goes right out the window. Ah, I also have short-term memory when it comes to who I find attractive. *shrugs*

3. I'm pretty relaxed and indifferent to it all for the most part, but when my libido hits, it overshoots and I can easily want sex to the point where it is very distracting.

4. My pleasure comes from teasing mostly. Whether it's teasing others or myself it's all the same to me. I sometimes doubt I even care about actually having intercourse. Just the act of teasing satisfies.

5. I fantasize.

6. I do experience sexual attraction towards males mostly.

7. I am heterosexual.

7. For now, I identify as an aromantic sexual.

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Olivier

1. I'm really quite ridiculously romantic (not in the flowers and candlelight sense). I approach most things that I enjoy with a mildly manic enthusiasm, and relationships are no different.

2. I experience both primary and secondary sexual attraction, and for me the most powerful attraction is when they combine. Usually if I'm fantasising based on primary attraction, I'll invent an element of secondary attraction as part of the fantasy, because that just works better for me.

3. My libido is pretty average most of the time, although it varies quite a bit from barely there to absolutely, sleep-preventingly insistent. Ideally, I'd be a 3-times-a-week guy, but a bit less or a bit more is fine, too.

4. I slightly prefer giving to receiving, but again: the combination is better. The pleasure I get from giving lasts a lot longer than the pleasure I get from receiving, even if it's less intense, and it's usually giving that I remember when I remember specific sex.

5. Fuck me do I ever fantsize. I'm not sure I'd have survived twenty-plus years of a/s relationship if I didn't. As I said above, my fantasies usually involve a whole lot of imagined context for secondary attraction, rather than just focus on sex acts alone.

6. I've been attracted to celebrities, but not because they're celebrities per se. Usually, it's actresses who have played a character with a compelling personality, and I've been attracted to the character more than the actress. Although Helen Baxendale could play any part at all and I'd still find her attractive :wub:

7. I'm straight. I can appreciate sexy looking men aesthetically, but I'm still not attracted to them romantically, physically, or sexually. I'm not particularly attached to the label, but I think that I'm old enough that if I could be attracted to a man, it probably would have happened by now, so "straight" seems to fit pretty much 100%. Interestingly, I've set off quite a few people's gaydar (and a-dar) over the years, so go figure.

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sexualwithasexual

1. It's hard for me to say I'm romantic, because I'm not in a stereotypical way, but I think anyone who knows me would say that I am. I'm a passionate optimist, so I think that's kinda romantic.

2. I do experience primary and secondary attraction, but the primary is really only fleeting. But I don't think real attraction sets in for me if I don't have a pretty strong sense that the person I'm attracted to is also attracted to me, (even if just a small sense). But if so, then things move quickly. I've been attracted to many people that for whatever reason (being in a monogamous relationship is a big one) I couldn't be with, but that did not stop my desire... :redface:

3. My libido varies. As I've aged, it has mellowed. My libido seriously fires up if I'm very interested in someone. In my long relationship to an asexual, I think my libido sometimes tries to match hers (which is low to non-existent). But then if I get a crush on someone, I realize, "Oh yeah, that's what it feels like!"

4. I love sex, giving, receiving, everything. But my desire for sex lies in the giving part. When I "want" sex, I think of wanting to touch, smell, taste.. etc.. the other person. But I totally enjoy receiving too!

5. I don't fantasize during sex at all. I never have. The sensations during sex are very intense and blot out any imagery in my mind. But when I'm experiencing a crush, I will imagine sexual scenarios.

6. I'm not a big celebrity attraction type. I will get very interested in a certain actress though, and I can become a big fan of someone and get all curious about them in a way that is weird to me. But it's usually short lived.

7. I'm queer as a bird. (are birds queer?) I love men, and am sometimes very drawn to them and want very much to touch them or smell them, and I usually do get away with flirting and roughhousing, but I just don't mesh sexually with them. I am way definitely attracted to women, in every imaginable way. I do identify as a lesbian and it does define me, maybe just because it took me so long to be out to myself.

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Pandante

1. I'm a bi-romantic, heterosexual male. I have some feminine behavioural elements and likings, which is in tune with my romantic attraction to men. I'm very very romantic. Dreaming and cuddling are my favourite passtimes not mentioned on facebook.

2. I experience primary and secondary sexual attraction to women. Primary sexual attraction is a bit distracting because it's just there and most of the time I can't do anything about it. With my partner now secondary sexual attraction is very strong, but she's asexual.

3. I have a medium-high libido that needs to be dealt with 1-2 a week.

4. I'm sometimes a bit uncomfortable just receiving. I'd like a ratio of receiving/giving of 1/2.

5. I like fantasizing, but don't really fantasize when doing it with a partner, since it's as real as it gets. When left to my own devices, I prefer fantasizing over watching porn. The last six years in my a-s relationship have involved a lot of fantasizing.

6. I feel sexually attracted to many people, including on TV, sometimes even just the voice! But, while experiencing (primary) sexual attraction, when I think about what I want to do to them, it's actually just hugging and kissing, and smelling, and hugging some more. So the sexual desire during sexual attraction is low, but the romantic desire during sexual attraction is high.

7. Heterosexual.

8. So in summary i'm a bi-romantic heterosexual guy. I guess i'm an asexual w.r.t. other guys. But a sexual w.r.t. women.

Hope i'm not the last! :mellow:

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Neighbor

I’ll start by saying that I don’t understand half the terms being used here. I have no idea what demi-romantic or cisfemale or secondary attraction means. Given that –

1. I am moderately romantic. It waxes and wanes over the years. I like the romantic connection, and trying to foster same.

2. I might find multiple people to be sexually attractive, but the number of people that I am actually sexually attracted to is quite small. They are all people who I personally know. I’ve never wanted to have sex with someone I didn’t have some personal relationship with.

3. Pretty strong libido.

4. Like giving, like receiving. Wouldn’t be happy with a relationship where these weren’t at least sort of balanced over the long term.

5. Fantasize, yes. As per #2, it is exclusively about people whom I personally know and am attracted to. Taking it further, I don’t seem to fantasize about anyone unless I’ve heard them talk about sex and their sex life. It’s odd. Like until I know that they have a sex life, and hear about it from their own lips, I can’t fantasize about any sexual activities involving them.

6. This leads to the statement that while I’ve often found different famous people to be fantastically hot, I’ve never had a fantasy about any of them.

7. Masturbate? Yes. Plenty. High libido + asexual partner kinda leads down this road.

8. Straight. Sexual.

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Alter-Echo

1. I am extremely romantic. I am extremely affectionate.

2. I am a one woman guy....and I am only interested in those I feel I can have a serious relationship with.

3. My libido is abnormally high...like a roomful of teenage boys combined.

4. I like both giving and receiving.

5. I fantasize, but only about those I know and like.

6. Masturbate? all the time

7. Straight. Sexual.

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Skullery Maid

Hey, Alter, WELCOME!! :)

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Nameless Someone

I just want to reiterate that I love this thread....

And I really like reading about people whose sexuality is a lot like mine but like me do not identify as "demisexual" or "grey" or anything. :-)

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Alter-Echo

Hey, Alter, WELCOME!! :)

HAI! :D

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Skullery Maid

I just want to reiterate that I love this thread....

And I really like reading about people whose sexuality is a lot like mine but like me do not identify as "demisexual" or "grey" or anything. :-)

Thanks for the props!! :wub::wub:

I don't think anyone should feel alienated about their sexuality... we're all just battering around, trying to be happy, and each in our own individual ways. :)

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Mimir

Gender: I'm unambiguously male. I'm not entirely happy about this, but the alternatives look even worse.

Sexual attraction: I've felt sexually attracted to both males and females, but my feelings for women are stronger and more frequent. I'm definitely sexual, but I contest the validity of the straight–gay–bisexual distinction, so I'm not going to commit to one of those labels.

Romantic attraction: I haven't experienced very much of it. The only time I felt what I would identify as an intense romantic feeling was in a dream, many years ago. Since then, I've occasionally felt a kind of sympathy for fictional characters who are in love, but nothing on my own behalf. Perhaps you could call me grayromantic or aromantic, but I think it's closer to the truth to say that I'm not crazy about people in general.

Aesthetic attraction: I don't have it. I think humans are ugly. I'm quietly amazed that anybody, sexual or not, could think otherwise.

Primary vs. secondary attraction: Mostly I feel only primary attraction. I haven't felt any secondary attraction to speak of for a good four years. This is easily explained by the fact that I've never had a love relationship, in which context such attraction typically develops.

Libido, strength of: I don't like the word "libido" because of its Freudian history, and I doubt that what we use the word to mean is adequately captured by a unidimensional construct. As for describing my own "libido", I can say the following: historically, I've had issues with obsessive sexual thoughts (which were bad enough that Pamcakes remarked a year ago "your thoughts certainly seem more focused on sex on a day to day basis than mine, and I'm about as highly sexual as one can get without it becoming a disorder"), but being on an SSRI has taken those down several notches. Well, I might not actually spend any less time thinking about sex as in the old days, but these thoughts feel less erotic and therefore less frightening than before.

Fantasy: I'm closer to genuinely enjoying what sexual thoughts I have (see above), but sexual fantasy still isn't exactly my favorite pastime.

Masturbation: It drives me nuts. In some ways I want it, in other ways I can't stand it, and in other ways I don't care. I just don't know what to make of it. I haven't masturbated in a few months and have no plans to try it again. At the same time, I'm not committed to abstaining from it in the way that I'm committed to celibacy.

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MadRat

Aesthetic attraction: I don't have it. I think humans are ugly. I'm quietly amazed that anybody, sexual or not, could think otherwise.

So you think people are ugly but you still want to have sex with them?

That´s... fascinating.

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Mimir

For a long time, I got annoyed whenever somebody spoke of "a beautiful girl" because I was all "That's not beauty, that's just sexual attraction! Beauty is a sunset or a cat or an equation, not your stupid fetish!" Now I understand that not everybody feels as clear a distinction between these things as I do.

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Skullery Maid

For a long time, I got annoyed whenever somebody spoke of "a beautiful girl" because I was all "That's not beauty, that's just sexual attraction! Beauty is a sunset or a cat or an equation, not your stupid fetish!"

Lol... I love this! It is interesting...

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Caspian

If anyone has been creepy enough to follow me around on these forums, you'll know that I initially identified as asexual, quickly switched to aromantic asexual, then started posting very confusing and conflicting things about my sexuality.

But the truth, as I've finally discovered, is that I'm sexual. I'm not ace, gray, or demi. I'm heterosexual. I never experienced sexual attraction prior to the age of 23, but something went screwy and I've been a repulsed sexual for the past two years. The fact is that I was an elitist. I felt that I was somehow better than everyone else, and I was so glad that I wasn't sexual because sexuals are icky. When I experienced sexual attraction for the first time, I panicked and tried to shove the attraction back down... because switching over to the dark side was the last thing I wanted to do. It worked pretty well and I didn't have too much trouble rejecting the little sexual feelings which popped up every now and then. Until recently. I can no longer trick myself into believing that I'm anything but a sexual creature. This was pretty difficult for me to finally admit to myself.... especially since I've spent most of my life feeling so much better than sexuals.

Anyhow, here's mine. I'm not sure if this to change in the near future, as I'm uncertain how much of this is due to me being "repulsed."

1. I have no idea how romantic I am. But I expect to find out. Someday.

2. I'm only attracted to people I both like and respect. I'm also extremely picky, so all the sexual attraction I've ever felt quickly dies. It will probably "stick" if I ever meet the "perfect person"... at least I hope :lol:. This is probably the thing which confused me the most into believing that I was asexual-- I'd be attracted one moment, but not the next. It was so easy to make myself believe that this "phantom attraction" was never there in the first place.

3. At the moment, there is nobody I know who I find sexually attractive. This is another thing which I used to trick myself into believe that I'm asexual, or at least gray. But the truth is: I fully expect to find someone sexually attractive. Someday.

4. I never experience involuntary arousal. I only experience arousal through manual stimulation or deliberate viewing or mental reviewing of erotic content. Again, this was another thing which confused me into believing that I'm not sexual.

5. When I masturbate, I don't think about anything except for the sensation I'm experiencing. I've recently discovered that viewing of erotica or thinking about people simply distracts me from the task at hand and makes the experience less enjoyable.

6. I experience atheistic attraction very easily. I love looking at cute (in an innocent way) girls.

7. I have no idea how my libido compares to "normal."

8. I don't fantasize. Unless you consider cold and (literally) calculating of various possibilities to qualify as a fantasy. However, if I assume all probabilities follow a Gaussian distribution, the uncertainties associated with the computed probabilities are normally large enough to warrant discarding my analyses.

9. I'm heterosexual.

And, if I may say this..... Skullery, you're amazing. Reading your posts really helped me to realize how much I've bought into AVEN's stereotype of sexuals. I've slowly started to realize that the things which I thought were indicative of me being ace actually aren't uncommon among sexuals. I also greatly appreciate Birdwing for helping me talk this through :).

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Member33070

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Skullery Maid

All I want for everyone is for them to be open, honest, and accepting of themselves. And if you think you're sexual, whatever that means to you, then I hope identifying as such brings you closer to a better understanding of yourself, and the types of relationships you'd like to have. If I were you, I'd try not to worry about labels right now... being open to whatever feelings you are having, and will have, is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I just... you know yourself, and your own feelings, and I'm certainly not going to second-guess you... I just want everyone to know that I do not have any intention of judging anyone's identity or questioning anyone's experiences...

All I can is that for me, I really like sex, I really like the dating process, flirting with people... and that's why I personally identify as sexual.

And yes, I'm afraid of being held responsible for "turning" asexuals on an asexual website! :ph34r: If I've helped, that's awesome... you know I think both of you rock, and Caspian, I would definitely love to meet you! More than anything I just want everyone to feel free to be whoever they are.

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Member33070

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Skullery Maid

And yes, Caspian, come to Portland...so you can come to me and Skullery's porn drinking game party... :lol:

YES. I will make sangria. :lol:

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Caspian

And yes, I'm afraid of being held responsible for "turning" asexuals on an asexual website! :ph34r: If I've helped, that's awesome... you know I think both of you rock, and Caspian, I would definitely love to meet you! More than anything I just want everyone to feel free to be whoever they are.

You didn't turn me-- you merely helped me cut it out with the elitism that was encouraging me to suppress my sexuality. Before the age of 23, I thought that I was somehow better than everyone else for being asexual. After the age of 23, I thought that I was better than everyone else for being able to suppress my sexual attraction. I knew that I couldn't technically call myself asexual because asexuals don't have to fight to remain chaste. But if celibacy was the best I could get, I'd settle for that.

But I finally realized that suppressing my sexual attraction is unnatural and unhealthy. And it's incredibly liberating to not have to feel pressured to continue suppressing in order to maintain my elitism.

The reason why I haven't decided to identify as gray or demi is because I know that my elitist mentality is still there, although I'm working on it. Calling myself sexual is my way of granting myself permission to experience sexual attraction toward whomever it feels natural. But I'm not going to feel pressured to conjure up feelings that aren't there to prove my sexuality to myself, either. I merely need to remember that it's okay to feel sexual attraction and it's okay to not feel sexual attraction. I want to grant myself the freedom to experience whatever level of sexual attraction is natural for me without feeling pressured to remain "close" to the asexual side of the spectrum.

Take, for instance, a student in my class. Of course, I'd never date her because she's my student, and I'm able to convince myself that I don't find her attractive. But I admit that I feel inclined to inadvertently give her special privileges or extra help. But it became significantly easier to treat her fairly when I stalked her online and found that she has a boyfriend. At this point, it became hard to continue convincing myself that I don't find her attractive.

But, is this aesthetic attraction? Intellectual attraction? Romantic attraction? Sexual attaction? More importantly-- why do I care to figure out what this? Since she's my student, I'd never act on any of these feelings even if I knew what to call it.

The only reason why I had any desire to give this attraction a name is because I wanted to make sure I'm close enough to the asexual side of the spectrum to feel justified in maintaining my elitism. But you know what? I'm sick and tired of having to label everything. I just want to be able to feel what I feel and not think about it. And calling myself sexual means using a label that's so incredibly broad that I'll remain inside it no matter what I feel. Or don't feel. I can finally stop labeling feelings and somehow feeling better than everyone else because I don't experience feelings under certain labels.

And yes, Caspian, come to Portland...so you can come to me and Skullery's porn drinking game party... :lol:

YES. I will make sangria. :lol:

Hahahaha.... ok, I'm a repulsed sexual who has started trying to lower my suppression as of yesterday. Sorry, but I'm not ready for porn :lol:.

Joking aside-- I used to watch porn as a way to "prove" to myself that I'm still close to the asexual side of things. But actually being a repulsed sexual, this just ended up confusing the shit out of me.

But now, I have nothing to prove. There's nothing I must or can't do, nothing I must or can't feel. I believe that labels are helpful for some people, but I honestly don't care to label anything anymore. I can feel what I feel and not think about it.

On a side note, I'm sorry for abusing the asexual label by trying to make it fit when it clearly didn't. It's probably people like me who end up encouraging the misconception that asexuality and celibacy are the same. They're not.

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