How important is the gray label to you?

[Caspian]

I'm curious as to why those here who identify as gray choose to do so... and how important it is to them to be labeled as gray.

How strongly would you react if someone identified you as sexual/asexual, depending on which side of the spectrum you were closer to? How important is the gray label to you? Why do you feel this way?

For the grays who are "passing," does it bother you if your peers assume that you are sexual, or do you prefer your sexual peers to not give much thought as to how you differ from them?

[Member33070]

x

[Caspian]

I'm not sure how important it is to me because I'm not completely sure how to answer the question "why are you gray and not a 'regular' sexual?" if someone were to ask me.

My feelings are somewhat similar(?). I actually don't mind being identified as an asexual (since I'm pretty close to the asexual side of things) or a sexual who just isn't interested in dating (since I have experienced sexual attraction before, although it has been over a year). Although it helps me, personally, to think of myself as a gray, I could care less what other people think of me... because whatever label they use for has some truth to it.

Does anyone have strong feelings connected with being gray?

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I dont want to be label as sexual, even when I'm gray I rather be called asexual or asexual/gray-A; I'm both things, not just one. Why is it important? the label whouldn't been so important more than the fact that, for example, I'm a romantic person and I could not be in a relationship with an asexual repulsed, but couldn't either deal with a sexual who is really sexual. While I accept other people asexuality, I do not understand most of them, because deep down I feel different. :( -_-

In the other hand, some days I just think oh! wait! What am I doing here in Aven? I'm not ace, what a fake! but this is the only place where people understand why I do not feel like to have sex or where I'm not going to be judge if I say I have ever been single, because I'm ace.

[Oxalis]

I don't mind the gray-A label for myself (as I admit my asexuality is probably quite complex...). But, as somewhat of a wordsmith, I don't mind at all using the asexual label as a sort of umbrella term, mostly because I think people can extrapolate the basic meaning of asexuality quicker than they can gray-A. We can at least think back to high school biology! XD Although asexual probably took on a new meaning with AVEN, gray-A is a completely new term still rather esoteric.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I suppose it's important to me because, while I normally think that labels are a little pointless, in this case, it helps me understand how I work. Having a word that actually sums up your feelings is pretty cool, and the words themselves help me make sense of it. Like, "Oh, there's actually a word for people like me?". It makes the concept more solid in my mind. But hey, that's just me. Most of the time, though, I just roll with it and see where things go. If I'm being honest, while I've settled for a demisexual/grey-A label, I feel more queer than asexual. I remember on the "Passing" thread someone said that they usually describe them as "in between" gay and asexual, and I suppose it's the same for me - I'm kind of in the middle of asexual and bisexual, which is just weird. But I still feel like the term demisexual fits, and that's okay with me for the time being.

I don't care what people think I am - most people just assume I'm a lesbian anyway. As for the whole "passing" thing, in some respects, they're kinda right. I AM just waiting for the right person, really. So yeah.

[Rebuilder]

I don't really care or mind much for any form of labels. They're just helpful so you can know there's other people are in similar situations as your self. Although I essentially sit at the cusp of where heterosexuality ends and asexuality begins, it is pretty much a notion I'm still somewhat open towards such a relationship, except just not actively seeking or interested.

Gender-wise, I feel much of "Queerness" comes from there, as opposed to my asexuality.

As for the whole "passing" thing, in some respects, they're kinda right. I AM just waiting for the right person, really. So yeah.

Gosh, I had never thought that would have been something not typical or 'normal' of people. It never dawned on me how people are 'supposed' to be attracted many, many people. -_-

[NamTar]

Totally unimportant, and I would probably never mention to anyone in real life. Personally though, it helps me to explain some things I've felt long ago in the past, which never quite felt like "ordinary" sexuality, but weren't normal for asexuals either. For all practical purposes, I define myself as asexual. In my head, I define myself as greyish, but pretty much still asexual.

[Caspian]

I find the responses thus far to be very interesting. Based on the heated discussion over in the "what is grey/demi" thread, I had expected more people to hold this label to be of high importance. I usually only call myself gray when talking to myself about my own feelings. It seems like a good number of those who have replied are the same way... perhaps this is because it's so hard to explain what exactly gray means :lol:.

A small comment on something that was said-- I don't think it's abnormal at all for sexuals to wait for the "right" person. I know several sexuals who passionately want lots of kinky sex, yet they're quite picky in those who they're attracted toward and faithfully wait for the right person.

In my opinion, demisexuality is to "waiting for the right person" as asexuality is to celibacy. The former is an orientation, the latter is a decision. They're obviously related, and the actions of both sets of people may even be the same... but they're still not fundamentally the same thing.

[Epochryphal]

In my opinion, demisexuality is to "waiting for the right person" as asexuality is to celibacy. The former is an orientation, the latter is a decision. They're obviously related, and the actions of both sets of people may even be the same... but they're still not fundamentally the same thing.

Ooo, I really like this description. Particularly the emphasis on observable behavior vs internal experience.

I intensely care about being seen as grey. I get incredibly uncomfortable when people assume I'm verisexual, and gradually more and more unhappy when someone thinks I'm asexual. For awhile I id'd as and came out as asexual all over the place, just to get people to stop imposing sexual feelings on me. It was much less about what behaviors they might think I was into, than about what feelings and experiences they presumed I had. Slowly, I came to feel irritated and confined by the way asexuality fit upon me, and the way people jested about "oh, but you wouldn't ever feel that way, you're asexual."

I consider myself uncertain as to whether I experience sexual attraction or not. It's not a black-and-white clear thing for me. I usually can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone or not. It takes a ton of mental effort and deciphering to try and figure it out...and then I'm doubting myself and wondering if I made it up in my head. So, I draw a strong distinction between myself as verisexual, and I become unhappy when using asexual because I suspect I'm cutting off/misinterpreting a piece of my experience. It's gotten in the way of several relationships, people thinking I am one or the other (regardless of what I tell them).

As for outness, I use grey whenever I do come out to somebody - in queer circles especially is where it comes up. No, I don't tell everyone - but neither do I tell everyone my gender identity. That doesn't mean I don't contradict them (sharply) when they make incorrect assumptions, and it doesn't mean I don't angst over what they must be thinking when an opportunity to tell them hasn't come up yet. Both these identities are very salient to me in my interactions with other people, and I wish there was some way to just instantly signify and make everyone else know. Being "out" is a constant process and I don't always have the energy. If it was one-step, I would be so there.

[Faelights]

In my opinion, demisexuality is to "waiting for the right person" as asexuality is to celibacy. The former is an orientation, the latter is a decision. They're obviously related, and the actions of both sets of people may even be the same... but they're still not fundamentally the same thing.

Ooo, I really like this description. Particularly the emphasis on observable behavior vs internal experience.

I intensely care about being seen as grey. I get incredibly uncomfortable when people assume I'm verisexual, and gradually more and more unhappy when someone thinks I'm asexual. For awhile I id'd as and came out as asexual all over the place, just to get people to stop imposing sexual feelings on me. It was much less about what behaviors they might think I was into, than about what feelings and experiences they presumed I had. Slowly, I came to feel irritated and confined by the way asexuality fit upon me, and the way people jested about "oh, but you wouldn't ever feel that way, you're asexual."

I consider myself uncertain as to whether I experience sexual attraction or not. It's not a black-and-white clear thing for me. I usually can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone or not. It takes a ton of mental effort and deciphering to try and figure it out...and then I'm doubting myself and wondering if I made it up in my head. So, I draw a strong distinction between myself as verisexual, and I become unhappy when using asexual because I suspect I'm cutting off/misinterpreting a piece of my experience. It's gotten in the way of several relationships, people thinking I am one or the other (regardless of what I tell them).

If you don't mind me asking, what is verisexual? I'm not familiar with the term.

[Epochryphal]

If you don't mind me asking, what is verisexual? I'm not familiar with the term.

Sure sure! It's a way of referring to non-asexual people. I'm trying to break the habit of saying "sexual people," as I agree with objections that it's sexualizing and also unclear/confusing at times. I'm quoting here:

Veri- is a Latin root meaning "true, real, able, and/or actual"; it's a truth value, the way A-, meaning "not, no, without" is a truth value.

We're currently discussing this over on Demi Grace, and I already really like the term, so.

[Faelights]

If you don't mind me asking, what is verisexual? I'm not familiar with the term.

Sure sure! It's a way of referring to non-asexual people. I'm trying to break the habit of saying "sexual people," as I agree with objections that it's sexualizing and also unclear/confusing at times. I'm quoting here:

Veri- is a Latin root meaning "true, real, able, and/or actual"; it's a truth value, the way A-, meaning "not, no, without" is a truth value.

We're currently discussing this over on Demi Grace, and I already really like the term, so.

Okay, I wasn't sure if you had adopted it from Demi Grace or not. XD

*was actually there for the chat room discussion that had led to the creation of the term*

But it's true that people here at AVEN probably had no idea what you were talking about whatsoever. XD

[Lz_erk]

Only among atheists do I call myself a theist. Only among vegans do I refer to myself as an opportunistic dietary vegan. Only among asexuals would I describe myself as a gray-A. I'm not sure I fit the term better than I do any other, but it's useful.

[Cirdan]

Not that important - I know I'm "less" asexual than some so grey-asexual could well describe me. However since when it comes down to it I don't see sex as essential, or even necessarily desirable in a relationship. Any urges I do have can be more than easily taken care of myself, so to most people I would probably be seen as asexual. I'm not exactly one to shout out either asexual or grey-asexual as labels - though friends tend to find out sooner or later. If either or both labels help people understand me then that's great, but there's more important parts to my life from my point of view. If after knowing about my life people chose to call me asexual, grey-asexual or sexual then that would be fine with me.

[Member 35376]

Ah! The gray area! :D

The label as such is really only important.. here! In RL I nowadays have ways to communicate who I am without labels. Sure, I am gonna use some labels IF it is needed but I have found ways to say stuff to people so they get a hint of who I am.. and if they get to learn me better.. they, the right ones, do understand fully. They might not feel exactly the same but I'm sure the "message" gets through.

"... because you do need ONE GF" - me being polyamorous/relationship anarchist answering "I do?! Hmm.. well.. maybe.. maybe not."

"So what do you like in sex?" - "Me being with You I guess?" or "I really like to cuddle and it would seem that many have sex just to get that?".

"Who are you really!?" - "I should have come with a manual on the back but in lack of it... you will have to find that out and I'll try my best to be open about anything specifically you wonder about me".

[guitar sunshine]

It bothers me when people automatically assume that i'm sexual, but since i'm grey i feel like i can relate to my friends more when it comes to that kind of stuff. I lean more towards the asexual side. By definition sometimes it seems like i'm fully asexual, but identifying as such makes me feel a little fake because i do enjoy hooking up a little with conditions.... Anyway i'm probably fully ace, but i also do fit the grey definition. I'm awkwardly in between grey and ace.. Does that make me quasi-grey-asexual? Lol :P

[Woodleaf]

I consider myself uncertain as to whether I experience sexual attraction or not. It's not a black-and-white clear thing for me. I usually can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone or not. It takes a ton of mental effort and deciphering to try and figure it out...and then I'm doubting myself and wondering if I made it up in my head. So, I draw a strong distinction between myself as verisexual, and I become unhappy when using asexual because I suspect I'm cutting off/misinterpreting a piece of my experience. It's gotten in the way of several relationships, people thinking I am one or the other (regardless of what I tell them).

THIS. I'm not really sure what exactly constitutes sexual attraction sometimes, especially for someone like me with extremely low to nonexistent libido. I THINK I've felt sexual attraction to a handful, but it's really hard to define for sure and it varies on a case by case basis. Gray-A is just the easiest way to describe this, since I really am not a fully sexual person and am rather close to the asexual side, if not completely on it. As for reacting to assumptions of being sexual, I guess it would depend on the situation. I probably wouldn't be to bothered and just say I wasn't into whatever/whoever it was, though.

I would be bothered only if I were surrounded by tons of peers constantly in sexual relationships, but as it is, I'm not. My friends are sexual and only my closest know I'm not, but it doesn't really affect how we relate. The thing that actually makes it more difficult to relate is leaning toward aromantic while my friends are highly romantic individuals.

[Mismatched]

Well I might not say that I am grey, or even spring the asexual term off the bat. I think it might be a matter of show and tell for the people around me. It is multi-layered, first people of course think of me as straight, and then they might think that I am just not interested in dating. Then gradually they come to the conclusion that I am not interested in guys at certain point, therefore the assumption that everyone is a sexual and if I am not hetero, then I must be homosexual idea kicks in. Then I might need to tell them, that I am not interested in girls either. So intuitively they know that I am not into guys OR girls at this point, which leaves an obvious opportunity to introduce asexuality as a term. Then they have a more concrete idea, because they already thought I wasn't interested in guys so it is a bit harder to say, "Well you haven't found the right guy." But then oh wait, we already came to the idea you AREN'T interested in guys. And if you are not interested in the same sex people just tend to take your word for it, at least hetero people. But then to add grey in, would open a more intimate discussion of sexual fantasies, but since all of my sexual thoughts never manifest in reality and are all in my head, I don't think they have a right to know what kind of and to what extend I have sexual fantasies. I think introducing the idea of asexuality and then I have some sexual thoughts may undo some of the conceptual ground I have made in convincing the other person, since it might be confusing to people that I don't have sexual attraction but I do have some libido. The idea of non-directed libido is impossible to most outside of the Ace community I think.

[shaiith]

Only among atheists do I call myself a theist. Only among vegans do I refer to myself as an opportunistic dietary vegan. Only among asexuals would I describe myself as a gray-A. I'm not sure I fit the term better than I do any other, but it's useful.

This response pretty much describes it for me. The only place I call myself grey (technically demisexual) is on this site. Other than that, it's not important to me or to my identity, even though I'm not as sexual as many of my peers (especially since I more or less function as an asexual when I'm not in a relationship). Identifying as bisexual is actually more important/comfortable to me outside of AVEN. :)

[GreyAngel]

I may change later but for now, I'm content knowing what I am. I don't really mind people assuming I'm asexual or sexual, unless they plan on talking about it. Then I simply tell them I'm not either and if they don't know about Grey-A's, I amuse myself with their confusion for a little bit before I explain. I'm still pretty young and it doesn't come up often, so it could change when I grow older and it begins to come up more. Currently though, people can assume what they want about my sexuality (or lack thereof) and if they have questions, I'll answer them.

I'm just glad the term exists. It helps me solidify who I am. That's all I care about for now.

[milkbar]

Not that important. I use the term demi whenever I'm thinking about myself, or I'm talking to people and an exact definition is required. I'm in a relationship, so I don't feel it's that important to clarify to everybody that I'm demi/gray/ace. If somebody that doesn't have a lot of knowledge about sexuality other than straight/gay I say I'm straight, but if the situation calls for it, I'll try to explain what it means to me. It just feels a little too intimate to let other people know right off the bat.

[timepatty]

Only among atheists do I call myself a theist. Only among vegans do I refer to myself as an opportunistic dietary vegan. Only among asexuals would I describe myself as a gray-A.

I like this!

To me, grey-A is a label that helps me to understand myself. I'll stick to just plain Asexual in everyday conversation, unless anyone asks. But it is nice to know there is an exact term for what I feel.

[catonahottinroof]

I don't think people really get how much of an emotional/mental thing (at least for me) it is to be grey-A. I can feel sexual feelings, I can find people sexually attractive but, it isn't enough. I don't feel it. The best way to describe it is, I can imagine myself being sexual but I don't see myself being sexual. Its isn't about high strung emotions or sexual release/satisfaction, its just the way I work.

[Kathy The Highlighter]

Well, I'm pretty sure my own gray-ness might stem more from a lack of libido/extremely low libido- I get the feeling that I might experience more "sexual" attraction were I to have a drive for sex- as it is, I know I have some sort of attraction, but I'm not sure where on the aesthetic/sensual/sexual/romantic scale it is...some sort of hybrid that's way too confusing to explain, so I just go with gray as a term when I'm around people who will understand it. Otherwise I'll generally say "almost asexual" or "asexual-ish" because that's something that a lot of people can at least figure out what I'm trying to say. It's not really the sort of thing that I feel the need to make overwhelmingly public though, much in the same way most people don't actively talk about their sex lives with people they aren't at least fairly friendly with.

The only time I feel it's REALLY important to me that my orientation and approach to sex is understood is when I'm actually going to be entering a physical relationship with someone, because it'll be affecting them too- I grew up in a rather repressive environment, so given the fact that there's also a chance that I'm just repressing certain sexual feelings and haven't grown fully comfortable with them, I try to make it clear that things could go either way- perhaps over time I'll develop a more active interest in and enjoyment of sexual things, or perhaps I might just stay at the mildly-interested level that I'm at right now. I just need them to know that they're not necessarily doing anything wrong if I don't get into things as much as another girl might, and that they shouldn't have any expectations as far as how sexual or not sexual I'm going to be once I get more comfortable with the relationship.

I got somewhat annoyed with an ex who seemed convinced that I was just religiously repressed and who never seemed to quite believe that I might be genuinely not as interested as most people [i think it could go either way, and that I'm somewhere in the middle of the two], but I figured I'd just wait and see how things turned out. He did listen to what I had to say and he tried to be understanding, I just don't think he quite "got" it. He was at least respectful of the fact that I had hangups about things and was a little more hesitant, so it was more of a case of me trying to make sure he didn't take it personally if I never wound up developing an interest in sex. :P I dislike people seeming to think they understand my mindset more than I do, so I get a little touchy when people say "oh, you probably just need some time" and won't seem to accept that I could genuinely just have less of an interest in sex, even though I think the things they suggest might very well be true

[Alison Gross]

The label is very important to me in that it identifies me as something other than "repressed weirdo." I wouldn't be offended by someone identifying me as either sexual or asexual if they fully accepted me as who I am and just felt like that person fit into that category, or they didn't feel like making fine distinctions and getting into the whole gray/demi sexuality thing. However, I do get extremely offended when the population at large assumes that I am simply a repressed sexual...for obvious reasons. Thinking I'm sexual and not repressed is fine. :lol:

I mean, I know when I want sex and when I don't want sex and hanging a label on it is more for helping other people understand (identifying as demisexual HAS, however, given me greater confidence in being direct with my partner about when I do or don't want it as it has banished my guilt over what I previously saw as extreme sexual mood swings).

[MiniLo]

It's only important to me when I'm getting into a serious discussion with someone about the finer points of sexuality (and usually those discussions end up being about social justice in some form), or they're making a false claim about the ace/demi spectrum. Other than that, I really don't identify as anything but "me", and it never comes up in casual conversation anyway. I don't even hardly use it in conversation with my husband because he knows many of the details of my sexuality to the point where I don't have to use the label as a means of differentiation and can just get to the meat of what I was going to say.

I am really happy that the label exists, though. Because without it I'd either be stuck with choosing between "not ace enough" or "fucked up sexual". And that doesn't sound fun. xB

[Sussexdowns]

In my day to day life, to me, it really isn't important. When I am thinking about myself I refer to myself as demisexual. When I am speaking with others, it never really comes up. So it never really becomes an issue. I know some people in my mind consider me sexual, and that's alright really. As some said here already, I will bring it up when discussing sexuality. And then it feels more important. But otherwise, it really isn't an issue for me.

[FeckingFrigid]

The grey part is terribly important to me. Mostly this is because I am more often misread as sexual than as asexual. Being a severely codependent person who is fundamentally incapable of saying no, I would much rather people assume that I want nothing to do with sex than assume that I have a significant amount of interest in it or that my interest in sex is remotely similar to theirs. While I am generally much more sexually active than one would expect a full asexual to be, I do not experience my sexuality in a sexual way. I have a libido, but not much of one, and it isn't tied to my interest in sex with a partner or partners. My sex drive is exclusively for masturbation, and sex with others is an expression of intellectual and aesthetic attraction, not of primary sexual attraction. I'm stone, which means I don't enjoy receiving sexual stimulation from anyone but myself. I do, however, enjoy sometimes giving sexual stimulation to people I like if they're into that sort of thing. Because very few people understand the nuances of attraction or have any concept that sex can be enjoyable outside of libidinism, very few people understand that I actually am, at least partially, asexual. My asexuality is very important to me, so the grey label is very important because I genuinely do fall firmly in the middle of the scale, and if anyone were to round me up to either side, it would lead (and has) to very unpleasant misunderstandings.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Considering I've only discovered these terms a few weeks ago, it's hard to say...

It's been very useful to be able to put words to it, instead of just feeling like I'm some kind of oversentimental or repressed sexual. On the other hand, in many cases in real life, it's probably not necessary to use the labels. So it's been important in terms of putting a name to it and finding out that there are other people out there whose brains tick the same way. On the other hand, I don't really feel the need to wear the badge or draw attention to myself for being very different now. As others have said, it's great to have a simple term to explain one's tendencies, but I pretty much only use it on this site (I've only spoken to one RL friend about it, so far).

(BTW, I identify as "hetero-demisexual with grey tendencies" here.)