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Demis - What's it like when you first feel sexually attracted?


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Just something I've been wondering about.

If you identify as demisexual, and have been in a relationship where you weren't initially sexually attracted, but then developed it over time, what was that like?

Did it sort of transition into it, or hit you like a ton of bricks?

Just looking for stories.

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I don't feel sexual attraction, but I only started developing aesthetic, then physical, then sensual attraction over time in my past relationship. Like, after 3-4 months we were together, I started seeing him as a very handsome person, after 6-7 months I wanted more and more hugs and cuddles, after 8-9 months I felt fine and even started enjoying lighter sexual interactions. So everything was gradual for me.

Someone might object it would be probably this way for sexual attraction - but it's not. My adamant attitude towards not wanting sex made me single again, so there you have it.

I guess it really depends on the person. For some it might be gradual like me (but I'm one who gets used to people over time in general), others could perhaps feel something quicker and stronger. Idk.

*Feels like her post was useless*

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Totally not useless, Silver. So you're a gradual sort...

I just wonder if it's always gradual with demis or if it's ever not. Like where they would be romantic towards the person and then *POOF* sexual. *shrug*

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Funny thing is, romantic attraction actually developed right from the start for me. It was what you call love at first sight with my past boyfriend (technically not first sight because we didn't "see" each other at first, but that's another kind of story).

Besides romantic attraction, all the rest was gradual. Being in a relationship certainly helped me develop more comfortability with all that I've experimented in it. I guess the same goes for demis in a way.

Though I feel like romantic attraction couldn't happen again for me, at least not in the same way. I'd need to find someone really amazing (like really, really amazing) and who doesn't give a damn about sex, and also come to know him extremely well, in order to even imagine falling in love again. Like a demiromantic I guess. The difference is that I crave for it significantly more than demiromantics usually do.

'kay, endrant, I'm going heavily OT. :P

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It was gradual for me too, I wanted to do more sexual things over time, over the course of about 9 months. Though, I don't know whether that will be the same in future. I suspect it will still be gradual, but possibly take less time.

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Totally not useless, Silver. So you're a gradual sort...I just wonder if it's always gradual with demis or if it's ever not. Like where they would be romantic towards the person and then *POOF* sexual. *shrug*

I'm usually gradual, but I've had one instance where it was a *POOF* sexual experience.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Totally not useless, Silver. So you're a gradual sort...I just wonder if it's always gradual with demis or if it's ever not. Like where they would be romantic towards the person and then *POOF* sexual. *shrug*

I'm usually gradual, but I've had one instance where it was a *POOF* sexual experience.

I have a question then, well a few. So how did the sexual experience feel? Did the feelings build mutually? or did you allow your partner to direct what was going to happen next? Was it a positive experience that you don't mind doing again with no anxiety? Was it a relief to get it over with?

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I see myself as more grey, but I think I have some demi characteristics since I did develop sexual attraction to my boyfriend over time.

He went from a cute friend to "I'm so confused; I don't know why being with him feels nice" to boyfriend in the course of a few months. After we got together, things got physical a lot quicker than expected. However, I would only allow him to do stuff after I got to know him better. I don't think I was sexually attracted to him at all, but after a couple months into our relationship, I started doing stuff to him at night (not sex thank goodness) even though minutes before, I would say that I was "too tired". So maybe that's where the attraction started, and my conscious mind didn't get the memo. ^^;;

After we had sex for the first time, my mindset changed from "he does stuff that makes me feel good so I'm gonna let him keep doing it" to "I like doing this with him so we're going to have sex more". I don't know if that qualifies as sexual attraction (especially since I usually desire sex when I'm bored or it's been scheduled in my head), but that's where I am now.

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Cryptosporidium

@SilverKitsune, that's kind of sad that he left you because of that. I can't understand why sex would be such an important thing to some people. I'm sure you will find the perfect guy one day. :)

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LadyAmandaJane

After we had sex for the first time, my mindset changed from "he does stuff that makes me feel good so I'm gonna let him keep doing it" to "I like doing this with him so we're going to have sex more". I don't know if that qualifies as sexual attraction (especially since I usually desire sex when I'm bored or it's been scheduled in my head), but that's where I am now.

I have never really experienced primary sexual attraction, and only sometimes do I experience secondary sexual attraction even after dating someone for a long time, but even if I do not develop a sexual attraction toward that person, that does not mean I am any less romantically attracted to them, and that does not mean that we don't have sex either.

The last girl that I dated (who identified as asexual), sexual attraction never developed for either of us. However, after a month or so, we started having more sexual contact, and continued it (although not too often). But the reason is like you said, we were doing stuff that made each other feel good, and we liked feeling good and making each other feel good, even if there was not any "sexual attraction" there.

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Not sure I even identify as Demi though I guess I might have something to add.

For me, I don't believe it's sexual attraction at all really but rather a combination of comfort with my partner, love, sex-positivity, feeling closer to my partner, sharing something with her that no one else shares with either of us, and several other factors. All of that builds up at different points in different levels and mimics a sort of sexual attraction for me. It's hard because all of those don't align on a highly regular basis (which contributes to low libido), but when they do, sex can be wanted and even highly desired.

I'd say this has been gradual and a cumulative effect of growing with my partner in many different ways. I had absolutely no interest in sex with anyone prior to meeting my wife, other than being open to the idea within a hypothetical relationship.

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I start thinking of people in a sexual way...for me it can be more gradual or faster. For instance, i've known a guy I like for about six months now (probably closer to six and a half) and it only became a crush about a month ago. It was just a strong squish before that.

Another time I felt a very strong emotional connection to a lady that I met at a dance. I could imagine myself doing sexual-ish things with her but wouldn't have felt that way sans that connection. But that may be something sexuals experience as well.

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First I develop strong feelings for someone....and then love and sexual attraction both hit me like a train.

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It hit me like a ton of bricks. It didn't happen until 2007. I had an online friend, who was also confused about his sexuality. We developed a close relationship, and decided to be a couple. Knowing he loved me the way I loved him triggered something in me. From then on, all it would take would be a chat line of him being close (sexual or non-sexual) and I'd need to "releive tension" so to speak. At first, upwards of 6-7 times a day.

This gradually diminished, and after a half a year and him falling out of love with me (turns out he wasn't ready to take it to the real world, out of chatting), we are now just close friends and I feel no sexual attraction to him at all.

But wow, when it first happened, it was completely unexpected. I was 36, and until then had never felt any sexual attraction to anyone. I didn't think I had the capability. I've watched pornographic movies, and seen the magazines, and zip--nothing. It was quite the surprise to find out I was demisexual.

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