Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Welcome!

[ItAllMakesSense]

I am nervous in considering getting involved in a future relationship (if this ever happens again)... I got out of a three and a half year relationship almost a year ago. I felt the pressure of pleasing my past-boyfriend since I was inadequate in that department (and now I know why! Being Gray A)! My dilemma is, there is a guy I've been crushing on for a while, and it brings me to wonder, if I was ever to commit to a relationship again, how do I go about being an Ace and doing well in the "bedroom" department? Any tips would be greatly considered and appreciated!

[TheBunnie]

Thanx

[periwinkle00]

I saw this spectrum chart on a site, and I feel that I fall under Gray-A, panromantic.

Since I was a child, going into adulthood, I didn't really have sexual attraction to anyone. When I liked a guy in highschool, it was romantic, not sexual. The same happened with women.

At this point, I can say that I have a sexual attraction toward all genders and all sexes, but most of the time, I could not care less. I just don't care. I don't feel like I belong in a sexual society, and carry a lot of anxiety with me.

I had a relationship with a man for a few years, right out of highschool, and there was basically no sex. I didn't feel the desire, until a little bit at the end.

In my last relationship with a man, I wanted to have sex all the time (making up for lost time?)

I am 28 now, and recently, I have found an attraction to porn with both men and women (I will stop that train of thought right there), so I do have sexual attraction to people with whom I am not emotionally close.

I just watched (A)sexuality, and I found it to be interesting. It holds true for me for most of my life!

I am curious to know peoples' thoughts on this. I don't fit the mould of "Asexuality", in terms of having no sexual desire whatsoever.

[kochouran]

I am nervous in considering getting involved in a future relationship (if this ever happens again)... I got out of a three and a half year relationship almost a year ago. I felt the pressure of pleasing my past-boyfriend since I was inadequate in that department (and now I know why! Being Gray A)! My dilemma is, there is a guy I've been crushing on for a while, and it brings me to wonder, if I was ever to commit to a relationship again, how do I go about being an Ace and doing well in the "bedroom" department? Any tips would be greatly considered and appreciated!

I think the best thing to do is to talk about what you both want out of a relationship (generally and with regards to sex). That would also probably be the time to bring up that you're grey-a. My partner and I never had this conversation because we had assumed we were on the same page sexually, and that led to a lot of issues that we're still working through. Also, don't feel inadequate! Of course, that's easier said than done, but something my partner has taught me is that it's not really about being good or bad in bed, it's about putting forth the effort. Again, easier said than done, but trying your best to meet in the middle with your partner is all you can do.

[ejq1978]

Hey all - as my first post to this site, I would first like to say THANK YOU!

I know I'm not ASexual, but was shown a documentary on asexuality and started doing more research.... I found I really identify with Demisexuals. It was odd though, because when I started looking into this, I had a couple "test conversations" with a couple of my friends (one straight, two gay) and was given all the same responses the asexuals in the documentary had ("You're just inexperienced.", "You're just picky.", "Bull****, no one has no sex drive, you're just coming up with excuses for being single."). Because of this, I'm pretty sure if I "came out", it would require a TON of explaination and attemps to convince them that it wouldn't be totaly worth the effort.

I have always wondered if there was something wrong with me for desiring a relationship more for the emotional and loving bond of companionship than sex. Sex is nice, but not great, and not my priority... I've had GFs break up with me because I took things too slow - when in my mind, I thought the emotional bond was soaring. When I tried to speed things up sexually, I've never felt comfortable, and tended to lose the feelings I had for the woman in the first place.

So, maybe this is a start for me. A place where I can meet other people who don't need/crave/desire sex in a relationship.

Again, while I may not end up posting a whole lot - I will be around, because I find its nice to read that others have some of the same issues I have. Thank you!

[Cosmic Creationist]

*

[theeclipsedheart]

Welcome to the new Gray-A forum!

Tanwen and Faelights will be your moderator.

Whether you are gray-A, demi-sexual, asexual, sexual, an ally of any, welcome.

Feel free to post about gray-A, etc. issues. And do not feel that you can only post here. Everyone is welcome everywhere in AVEN

From the >Asexual Wiki, we have the Asexual flag:

The black stripe represents asexuality, the grey stripe grey-sexuality and the demisexuals, the white stripe sexuality and the purple stripe community.

(thanks, Birdwing)

We hope you find this forum informative and fun.

Ok so what exactly are the "grey-sexuality" ....ummm traits? How do you know which of these categories you fall under?

[0rangeHoodie]

Hey everyone...
Im not a really big forum person, but I figure that this community is the best place for me to start?
I'm probably younger than most people here, but I've known since the tenth grade that I was asexual. While all my friends were talking about "cute girls" and such, every time they would ask me who I liked, I'd just say "Nobody at this school." Eventually, while I was thinking about how I want my life to be in the future, in an effort to describe myself I thought of the word "asexual". I didn't think it applied to me at first, but after researching it, I stumbled around some stuff about asexuality and began reading about demiromantics and thought "Wait... that's me!"
So anyway, long story short, I told my friends and explained it to them and after they teased me about splitting in half for a few days, they finally accepted it. I haven't told anyone in my family yet, though; and now that I'm going to college, I'm sure that it wont be a secret for very long... I came to this site hoping that maybe some of you would have experience in this?
-Also, I'm not sure if Im demiromantic or a grey-A, or really what the difference is between the two, if there is one? (Cause they seem the same way to me) All I know is that I'm not attracted to people's bodies...

[EruditeVolatility]

Okay, guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but generally speaking:

• asexual = no sexual desire (would never consider banging anyone)
• gray-a = very limited sexual desire, usually under very specific circumstances (would consider banging someone if they were highly intelligent or their partner)
• demisexual = only sexual desire under emotional connection and bond (would bang someone if they were in a relationship and a trust bond was formed)
• sexual = sexual desire for specific gender in a general sense (would consider banging someone)

Yes? Maybe? Gah, confusion.

[mlascoop]

If I enjoy having sex would that make me a part of the gray area? I'm sorry, I'm new to all this and I'm trying to figure out exactly where I fall. I am not attracted to anyone of any gender, but I enjoy and want to have sex.

[JDP]

That's a good question. I have difficulty getting my head around gray a/sexuality.

You can enjoy sex in and of itself without experiencing either sexual attraction or sexual intimacy (especially in the dark).

But it also seems to me that you can also set your expectations of sex so high, have so many requirements that must be met before you have sex, that sexual attraction and intimacy are just as impossible, and that makes you full-on ace as well.

[mlascoop]

Very valid point. I'm wondering about that myself. I have a lot of prerequisites for sex so that is interesting to think about.

[OhioGirl26]

Wow, I'm so glad this is here. I think I'm demisexual, but I'm still not sure that I'm not completely asexual. I'm so glad I have a place to come and talk about this! It really helps.

[Illaine Waterhouse]

So... demiromanticwould be an OK way of saying demi but asexual?

[Rising Sun]

If the only persons you can be romantically attracted to are a few close friends, and you feel "aromantic" with anybody else, yes, you're demiromantic.

[IzzGidget]

Ok, so I discovered how to masturbate at a really young age (a literal happy accident, I was not abused or anything). And so, in one sense, I was leagues ahead of most of my friends growing up when it came to sexuality. But then we threw in the whole 'other person' variable and I fell behind. Sexual pleasure had always been a private thing for me, and suddenly I was supposed to let someone else in on the fun? The idea makes me squeamish and nervous and stressed.

I'm still a virgin as a young adult, and I've dated a little, but I'm not very good with relationships. I know sex is to eventually be expected and I feel like I'm supposed to have this strong magnetism that all my sexual friends talk about. But it's not there. I'm learning, slowly, to define my own terms and expectations when starting to court someone, but it's still hazy at best. My sexual arousal stands almost apart from me, like thirst or hunger, it's just this need I fill. But it's not a desire? I'm not really too keen on completely intertwining my life with someone else's like most couples do either, again, maybe I'm worrying about other peoples expectation and not my own.

Anyway, it all seems to be hovering around a blanket, gray area. Thoughts? Experiences? Perscriptions?

[LiquidBlueFlame]

Wow just wanna say I'm happy to be here and I had no idea what those stripes stood for. The information is most appreciated!

[BeeOnderful]

I'm SO grateful for this site! I've been confused my whole life. I've come to terms with being different and even learned to love myself for those differences, after a lifetime of being "odd". Finding a community adds a welcoming quality to this way of life that is decidedly less lonely. Thank you and you can bet I'll be back!

[mhc]

I'm am sexually attracted but its not important to me.

[Inseng]

I am much pleased for the colour gray and the fact that it's the colour for my sexuality. AND for the fact that I'm not alone! This site is great and the fact that there's a seperate sub-forum for such like minded individuals is fantastic. I always sort of considered myself some weird sexuality until my friend mentioned that I might be gray-A, and it fits so well I don't know why I never knew it existed. So thank you all, for this wonderful forum!

[Snusmumriken]

I felt a big relief when I discovered that, what I feel, has a name. And some people feels exactly the same.

I can't imagine myself having sex if it's not with the one I love. I don't think about sex when I see someone. I can 'feel' if a body might be attractive or not, but nothing else. But I felt in love a pair of times and, in that case, I developed sexual attraction. Unfortunately I didn't get anything back . Maybe next time.

[sailingtobyzantium]

I think I'm demisexual, so I'm interested to see where the discussions lead. Gray area certainly describes more than one area of my psychology!

I am very confused and am probably going to ramble, but so what, I'm finally going to say something instead of being a bloody lump who keeps itself to itself and never really says much to anyone. So there.

I wonder if I'm demisexual because I am able to masturbate and picture an attractive person of a male, female or trans persuasion In the accompanying fantasies I have (if any) the presence of someone in it as an object of my sexual desire is of little interest to me. The image of a person I see is not really what excites me, I don't know what is, I might as well not even bother to come up with a visual image at all.

I sometimes see others as sexual objects, but that directed lust is brief and (as in my masturbatory fantasies) lacking in emotion or connection. I don't think I really "want" people sexually.

My sex drive is consistent, with up and down periods, and I honor it, but wonder if I could or should just try to not deal with it at all, deny it.

So, could my decreased sex drive and lack of emotional connection to sexual fantasies be a product of being in my 40's, where sex drive is supposed to decrease anyway?

How can I stop caring about what sex drive I have and get on to getting over my shyness and finding romance, which is what I'm far more interested in?

[Snusmumriken]

Well, as we have previously said, sex and personal connections don't have to be related. They can be different things. Sexual people link them, but not everybody is sexual and not everybody cares about sex.

Romance just happens. Looking for someone is not like looking for a lost key. You can't do anything different than 'forcing' yourself and be more 'flexible' to have a couple, but it will fail in the long term if the connection is not strong enough.

[kukukoko11]

Hello. I am a new member. I was wondering if there is already a word for the kind of sexual arousal I experience; it doesn't come from attraction, so I think I still qualify as asexual in terms of "orientation," but I do enjoy sexual activity. My arousal derives from my desire to be aroused; in other words, I'm not automatically attracted to anything or anybody in particular, but if I feel like it, I can get aroused by porn or a sexual partner, and enjoy the physical sensations of sexual activity. I think I could be aroused by pretty much anything, if I wanted to be, but nothing intrinsically "turns me on." If there isn't a word for this, I think I will start calling myself "ensexual" unless anybody suggests a reason not to.

Thanks!

[tweed0saurus]

I've started identifying as Grey A very recently. I have always experienced some sexual attraction but mostly I just have no interest in it at all, so for a while I thought that I might be some sort of asexual but still wasn't very sure... until I started researching and found the term grey asexual.

Personally, it felt so nice to finally know there were other people who were just the same way - especially when my now ex-boyfriend mentioned he had been talking to his THERAPIST about my lack of needing sex and how it simply HAD to be abnormal.

Anyway, I'm happy this forum exists so I found an explanation, and so that in the future I actually know how to label myself! (not that labels are that important in the end...)

[Green Arrow]

woo a subforum

im demisexual

and panromantic

woo

[Snusmumriken]

^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

[Null_and_Void]

When I was in middle school and puberty started hitting everyone, I always felt like everyone was a bit overly perverted. For some reason it never really occured to me that I was relatively different from everyone else. For quite a long time I always just figgured I was a bit out of the era and was "old fashioned" in that I simply didn't have sexual thoughts about anyone. In that common scenario of the "who's hot?" question, I always said that I didn't find anyone "hot".

Fast forward several years to my junior year in high school (which was my last year in high school since I took a proficiency exam the summer after, but that's a different story), and one of my best friend's sister just started to go to my school as a freshman. It didn't take very long for me to start to like her, and eventually I fell for her hard. This was the first time I actually had sexual thoughts about somebody I knew, and oddly enough I didn't find this particularly strange. I suppose I was still in that mind set of I'm just "old fashioned". I ended up finally mustering up the courage to ask her out (she was only the second girl I had ever asked out, the first one being when I was like, 12 or 13), and she said yes. We went on one or two (I'm not sure if the second one really counted) dates, then she finally managed to tell me she didn't like me like that.

Over the course of the next to years, she continued to lead me on and then reject me several times, until one terrible day when I had finally had enough. On April 30th, 2012, my favorite teacher from high school, who was my role model and a good friend, died of cancer. After just walking around the neighborhood for a while, trying to cope, I eventually headed back home. Not too much later, I got on an MMO (Mabinogi, if anyone cares) that me and the girl often played and asked if I could just talk to her since I was having a terrible day. I didn't want it to go anywhere, I was wanted comfort from talking to somebody, and she was the first to come to mind. Rather than offer this comfort, however, she simply told me that she had gotten back together with her boyfriend (they broke up liek a week or two prior), then she just ignored me for the rest of the day.

I then started talking to another friend on the game (who I had come to be very good friends with other the past few months) about my teacher, and she (the other friend) offered me the comfort I needed. I ended up sending just a simple "Good morning" text to the first girl (the one I liked) the next day, but I never got a reply (the next time I heard from her was like, 9 months or so later). About a week or two later, I had finally convinced myself to stop chasing after her, and very soon after I got myself to deal with this, I started thinking about my other friend, the one who HAD comforted me, in a different way. Sure enough, it did not take me long to fall for her as well. Problem was, I was 17, she was 12, I only knew her online, she lived on the other side of the country, and she was dating a guy (online). I won't bore you with the details, I'll just skip forward to June of that year (2012). We had become VERY good friends, she figured out that I liked her, and she had broken up with her boyfriend since he was quite a douche (he ignored her A LOT and often hit on other girls). On June 20th, I took a shot, asked her out, and she said yes. To this day, we are still together, very much in love, and plan to get married when she turns 18.

My girlfriend is asexual, and we were talking about asexuality in a skype call one day a couple months ago, and I was looking some things up online when I stumbled upon the word "demisexual". Wondering what the hell it meant, I looked it up, only to be amazed that it perfectly described me. I told her about it, and she said something like "Yeah, I was wondering if that's what you were, but I didn't want to ask in case I was wrong.". I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised that there is a word to describe this, but I was a bit surprised to find an established community for such people. I really do look forward to getting to know you all.

P.S. Yes, I do realize demisexuality is only a fraction of this community, but what's a community without variety anyway?

[DisneyHunny]

Hi I'm a new member on here.

I came across asexuality a while back, but never really gave it much thought. I was a bit ignorant of the term (I'm not afraid to admit it), thus didn't think it related to me since I identified myself as heterosexual at the time (I know I'm definitely heteroromantic, rather than heterosexual). But I never felt like I belonged, considering how I felt about sex and sexual attraction. I've always felt out of place because majority of my friends were in relationships, revolved their lives around it, or just saw sex as something major when it came to having a significant other.

I just thought I was a person with high standards regarding relationships (that you should be with your "best friend" being the easiest way to explain it), until I came across the term "demisexuality" a few days ago. I'm not gonna lie, I sat in the same spot for a couple hours reading articles, seeing other people's testimonies, and researching it thinking "oh my god, this is me." I cried for a while, and even thinking about it now gives me shudders of emotion. I'm not weird. I'm not a prude. I'm not just some stuck-up 23-year-old black woman who won't put out.

I came across this site a few days ago, lurked a bit, and felt it was time to join up and start voicing myself. I want to get myself up to the point where I can tell myself aloud (and then maybe family and friends?), and being able to voice it and talk about it (albeit, it's over the internet) will help me with that.

[ItAllMakesSense]

Ahh thank you all for setting this up!! What an exciting day!