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Sexuals, I need your feedback please


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I'm rushed off my feet right now (which is why I haven't been around much lately). If I quoted everything in this thread I agreed with, I'd be here all day, and I don't even have 5 minutes, but there's so much here I agree with - all good and valuable stuff.

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Olivier, I've been hoping you would find this thread. I must have read several years' worth of your posts on this topic when I first joined, and they have been extremely helpful. Hopefully when you have a bit more time you can come back and put in your own 3 cents. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with everything said so far... And. If you enjoy cuddling/kissing your partner, be straightforward with your want of it both verbally and physically. Initiate it a lot (if you want it) and tell your partner how good it makes you feel to be cuddling with or kissing him. That way he won't feel rejected.

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  • 1 month later...

A long due (and way too long) update, mostly for any asexuals in similar situations who might be looking for others' stories ...

So. Last time we met (LDR!), we had more time together, which allowed me to get more used to physical intimacy and also took off the usual pressure of having to make the most of a very short time.

Probably TMI

As I got more relaxed about these things, it felt sort of natural to take them a step further. This was the first time that I took this initiative rather than letting him try to take another step and then telling him whether or not that was okay. It took him by surprise :P but I assured him I was fine with it, which was true: after the initial awkwardness concerning the ... um ... appropriate technique, it was kind of interesting (a bit like trying out a new gadget I suppose) and fun (mostly from seeing him have such fun). I consider this a small victory. It's not that I have any repulsion to any bits of human anatomy or their natural functions, but suddenly finding myself in a sexual situation has been rather daunting. It seems I'm beginning to find my feet though.

Anyway. This has considerably simplified the situation, in that I've been able to strip my boundaries down to two, but these two I consider pretty much fixed for the foreseeable future:

1) my (and only mine) genital area is off limits at all times, and

2) no tongues (yuck!).

As far as I know there is nothing particularly asexual about 2), but I'm aware 1) is tough. On the other hand, I've come a long way from tolerating holding hands :lol: This hasn't been completely without glitches and frustrating moments (for both) because all the boundaries I had set previously were very temporary ones and I had explicitly said that they were negotiable. I've had to reassert this one and make it clear that it is different, although I do not completely discount the possibility that even this might change (never say never and all that).

This was actually what made it possible for me to relax enough to make the step forward that I've mentioned at the beginning of this post - because I could now trust that my partner wouldn't try to return the favour in kind. :P He can then reciprocate with cuddles and kisses. Yeah, not ideal and not easy. But in the circumstances, it seems as near to a reasonable compromise as can be, with both making an effort and both being able to get a considerable amount of pleasure out of it.

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That's really impressive!! Congratulations on a mutually satisfying and successful relationship!

Obviously I can't speak for all sexuals, but for me, your compromise would be more than satisfactory. To be honest, it's at least as open as many sexuals' boundaries (because yes, we all have boundaries), and more open than some.

I'm all smiles about your happiness. :)

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That's really impressive!! Congratulations on a mutually satisfying and successful relationship!

Thank you! :D

Obviously I can't speak for all sexuals, but for me, your compromise would be more than satisfactory. To be honest, it's at least as open as many sexuals' boundaries (because yes, we all have boundaries), and more open than some.

Um, are you sure you aren't being too reassuring? :P I mean, certainly, everyone has things they don't like or that they wouldn't do at knifepoint, but wouldn't sexuals normally be open to, and enjoy, some activity involving their downstairs regions?

I'm all smiles about your happiness. :)

I'm not sure if :cake: is appropriate in this case, but ... *hugs*

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Obviously I can't speak for all sexuals, but for me, your compromise would be more than satisfactory. To be honest, it's at least as open as many sexuals' boundaries (because yes, we all have boundaries), and more open than some.

Um, are you sure you aren't being too reassuring? :P I mean, certainly, everyone has things they don't like or that they wouldn't do at knifepoint, but wouldn't sexuals normally be open to, and enjoy, some activity involving their downstairs regions?

Maybe it's just because I date in the lesbian end of the pool, but no, that's not at all unusual in my experience. I understand that the reasoning is different with asexuals, but lots of women have been assaulted, abused, etc, and have legitimate boundaries that often include lack of contact of certain areas.

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It would be quite satisfactory for me too. Of course sometimes I'd want more, but not really desperately. A solid amount of cuddling, kissing, and a bit of "gadget-tinkering" would be plenty of intimacy before falling asleep. I like how you initiated, and how you always keep your partner up to speed on your boundaries and how you feel about a certain intimate act. I think those things are really important.

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sexualwithasexual

Yep, this sounds amazing. I hope your partner realizes how much you love him, because to do all you've done shows a huge amount of consideration on your part, something that shows how much you want this relationship to work. And since you've been so open and communicative, I doubt he would be confused emotionally. I think the return of cuddling and kisses towards you is what will make it feel okay for him. There's so much desire to reciprocate with sex for most sexuals, and if he knows that cuddling and nonsexual touching is what makes you happy, he will likely feel like there is a balance.

I would continue to tell him about your experience of it all, the way you describe it here on AVEN, like the "gadget" analogy and that the real reason you like doing it is just to see it make him feel good, loved and happy. That way he won't start thinking - even subconsciously - that you are into it in sexual ways.

I'm also in the lesbian world, and agree w/skullery on that about differing levels of comfort even for sexuals. One more thing to add. (TMI?) My partner abhors even being looked at naked, but I think just viewing genitals is quite rewarding. But if you're not comfortable with that, just let him know.

Congrats!!

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Thanks everybody for your thoughts. :) It's good to be able to talk things over with people who are not personally involved ... it helps me to be more articulate when discussing this stuff in the more emotionally fraught RL situations. Although I'm much better at writing than at talking, so I suppose in those cases I still ramble a bit, but at least I'm not totally incoherent :lol:

@SkulleryMaid: good point :nods:

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