Can you be asexual and still have some sex drive?

[UnknownAce]

Hi everyone,

**I will talk frankly about sex just as a warning here.**

I'm a 22 year old male and I've recently been considering personally identifying as asexual. I have never had sex or wished to be in a sexual relationship with anyone. However, I have had some curiosity about sex, and I do masturbate- partly for stress release but equally because some sexual imagery can arouse me, although not the thought of actual sex. Recently I tried oral sex- give and receive. I found the giving interesting but not arousing, although being able to give someone else pleasure made me feel good in a non-sexual way. The receiving of oral sex and manual stimulation could not bring me to orgasm, so I guess I got minimal satisfaction.

Could it be that I have a normal sex drive but I'm not sexually attracted to either sex? Is this the same or different to asexuality?

While I would be comfortable being asexual, I would prefer to be sexual. I also don't like the idea of only being able to experience sexual pleasure by myself.

I find that I can find strangers beautiful/(sexy?) and get pleasure from the looking, however everyone I've gotten to know after finding them attractive as strangers I've had no sexual desire for or have had sex with.

The only long term relationship I can currently imagine having is a nonsexual relationship. I'm not intimate with anyone now in the physical or emotional sense. Can someone also tell me about how an intimate nonsexual/predominantly nonsexual relationship arose and how it was for them?

Thanks for reading :)

[Redbeard]

Could it be that I have a normal sex drive but I'm not sexually attracted to either sex? Is this the same or different to asexuality?

Yes, it's possible to have a libido and still be asexual. Asexuality is simply defined as the lack of sexual attraction toward anyone. A libido is an urge for sexual contact/release. It's possible to have a libido, but not have it directed toward anyone. Many people here are that way, and many do take care of the urge through masturbation. Some even will take part in partnered activities.

While I would be comfortable being asexual, I would prefer to be sexual. I also don't like the idea of only being able to experience sexual pleasure by myself.

There's nothing inherent about asexuality that makes it impossible to experience sexual pleasure with another person. Attraction and pleasure are very different things. Pleasure might be enhanced by attraction, but attraction is not required for pleasure. Pleasure is largely a physical reaction to stimulation, regardless of the source of that stimulation.

In your case, you may not have experienced much pleasure because both you and your partner did not know what worked for you because it was your first time. With practice, you might have more success. In my personal experience, my partner was unable to bring me to orgasm the first time she tried (manual stimulation), however with some guidance, she was successful on subsequent attempts. Learn what works for you and tell your partner about it.

[Alan Degas]

Asexuality is generally defined as feeling no sexual attraction. So yes, it is entirely possible to be asexual but still have a sex drive. The physical arousal from watching porn etc. does not necessarily mean you are sexually attracted to the people you are watching.

I know for me personally, when I watch porn, it does not matter one bit what the person looks like. It's their reactions to the sexual situation which makes me aroused. Which is exactly why I like amateur porn better than regular porn.... Faking it doesn't do it for me, lol! :lol:

But yeah, even if you are asexual that does not mean you are have to assign yourself to only experiencing sexual pleasure by yourself.

Having sex once and not climaxing, or getting much pleasure out of it, does not mean it would never happen. Sex has a lot to do with being comfortable with one another and being good at communicating. Over time your partner and you could figure out things which gave you the most pleasure and vice versa. So it is possible, if you so wish :)

I would imagine however that the person you enter a relationship with had to be understanding of your asexuality, so it's something you would have to be comfortable discussing, even if you do have a sexual relationship and thus outwardly appear to have a "normal" sexual relationship. Feeling sexually attractive to you partner is an important part of being in a relationship for sexual people and that's exactly why asexual-sexual relationships are so difficult.

[Lz_erk]

Howdy. I call myself an autosexual. I'm romantically attracted to myself and prefer myself in physical intimacy.

My sex drive is probably something like normal, and I know I'm not alone here in that.

I'm mostly convinced I'm a relationship-craving romantic, and for what it counts, I take significant vicarious interest in partnered sex [at least hypothetically -- it's been too long to really say, and it depends on what one calls sex], but it's a social exercise to me; my own tactile stimulation is something I can't imagine someone conducting better.

I've been involved in months to years of quaint, traditional meatspace associations. Those tended not to go so well, but back then, I was assuming I was a typical sexual who just had a low drive. However, most of my relationships have been long-distance, and I greatly prefer that medium.

Some AVENites have suggested that I meet the asexual classification, and as much as I'd like the label, I don't feel I should influence its parameters.

I'll always wonder if I have myself figured out to a satisfactory level, and the answer will never be a firm yes. It'll never stop me from asking, and with enough varied input from communities like AVEN, the questions that stump me about myself won't hold me back for long.

[UnknownAce]

Thank you for your thoughts.

You've convinced me that I should try 'it' again. The problem of course is that my lack of sexual attraction has so far prevented me from finding out how I can best receive sexual pleasure from another person.

Also, thank you for some hypothetical relationship advice. So you would always advise someone to tell their partner that they're not sexually attracted to them (or others)? But attracted to other things about them? That does sound like an awkward conversation. How did it go if you've had that talk?

I definitely don't think I'm autosexual.

So am I right in saying that you think I probably am asexual but that it would be possible for me to be in a sexual relationship with a sexual person?

[Alan Degas]

So am I right in saying that you think I probably am asexual but that it would be possible for me to be in a sexual relationship with a sexual person?

Well yeah, to me it most definitely does sound like you are asexual (though of course that is something only you can decide for yourself. Gotta stay politically correct here! ;) ) and of course you can be in a sexual relationship if you wish. Just because you do not experience sexual attraction it does not mean that you can't enjoy sex. Plenty of asexuals have sex for the pure personal pleasure in it or, more commonly, for the pleasure it brings their partner.

So you would always advise someone to tell their partner that they're not sexually attracted to them (or others)? But attracted to other things about them? That does sound like an awkward conversation. How did it go if you've had that talk?

I've never personally had to have that talk but I do think it would be best to be honest with a partner right from the beginning, especially with something as delicate as sex and all the feelings surrounding it. Of course it depends a lot on the people involved and I'm not gonna say that it's something which absolutely HAS TO be detailed out.... But I'm pretty sure that any sexual person in a relationship with an asexual would, sooner or later, pick up on the lack of sexual attraction and that can lead to a lot of wrong assumptions, hurt feeling and who knows what else and break the relationship apart.

Of course by bringing up the lack of sexual attraction, right from the beginning, then the relationship might never even develop. But that, to me, seems like the better solution since then both you, and the hypothetical partner, are not too overly emotionally invested in the relationship and there would be less heartbreak all around.

[eamonn]

An asexual who lacks a sex drive is generally referred to as a nonlibidoist.

At a glance, I'd say most people on AVEN have some sort of sex drive. It'd be nice to have figures.