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Why is virginity embarrassing?


faraway

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It´s embarrassing for me cos I´m 38 years old.

The few times that I´m close enough to women I tend to walk away.For about a month ago i talk to girl/lady that I met over internet and it was REALLY hard for me tell her that I still is a virgin.And just before summerholliday I was asked by a guy how many years it since i last had sex ? I´m not confiedent enough to NEVER and in these situations it hurts.

Is this because sex is something that you desire to have? If that is the case, I think its normal to feel as if one has failed if one isn't able to achieve what one desires. In that case, its little different than, for example, feeling ashamed because of a failed business venture. When someone attempts something and then subsequently fails, its normal to feel some level of disappointment.

In the case of most asexuals, I don't think that sex is something that is usually intrinsically desired for its own sake so there isn't much reason to feel ashamed by its lack. It would be like feeling ashamed because you never attempted to parachute out of a plane when you never had any interest in going up into a plane, let alone jumping out at the end. Only when a desire is all ready there to begin with does it make sense to feel much of anything when that desire isn't fulfilled.

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I used to confuse the desire to have sex and the desire to get people to shut up about it. Since I was a teenager the two were always synonymous.

I can't say I'm ashamed to be a virgin. But I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me that so many others try to make me feel ashamed about it. Or even worse, feel sorry for me and want to "help".

"It's ok. You're just waiting for the right girl. I think thats sweet."

"OH! (excited hand gesture) I know this one chick man! She'd fuck anyone. Want her number?"

I'd prefer being made fun of to having people trying to make me feel better about something that doesn't make me feel bad to begin with.

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This may sound like an off-topic question, but why do you need to tell other people that you're a virgin?

Most people who have sex lives lie about them to make them a bit more interesting than they are. I doubt anyone tells the absolute truth. Why should anyone need to know whether you've actually had sex or not? If you feel you need to answer truthfully, why can't you just say "Not yet" and then change the subject?

As far as men telling women about their virginity, if you are sexually attracted to a woman and want to have sex with her, it will probably be OK whether you're a virgin or not. Technique doesn't matter as much as feeling, I'm told by female sexual friends.

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The problem is that people make it their own business. When I was in my teens, I would have loved to have simply never mentioned my lack of interest in sex. I absolutely never wanted it to be an issue. But in fact, this was precisely what marked me out as an aberration, and a target for interrogation: the fact I would never, ever bring up the topic of sex myself, or show any interest in it whatsoever.

I remember being subjected to an unrelenting barrage of questions about my sex life, and about which girls I found hot and wanted to have sex with, and non-answers to these were taken as an admission of being gay, which put you on the lowest rung of hell in this kind of environment.

Lying also was never an option. I never lied about having sex, but even from giving vague, non-committal answers that left open the possibility of my having had sex, I know what the result would have been: a new barrage of nagging questions, demanding detailed minutiae of the encounter, and any failure to provide these being taken as an admission of making the whole thing up, and being gay just as they'd said all along.

In fact it's worse than this; once you get a reputation as being a deviant, pretending to be "normal" would have resulted in "HEY EVERYONE!!! MICHAEL SAYS HE'S HAD SEX!!!! COME ON!! EVERYONE COME LISTEN: THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD!"

*sigh* I'm very glad to be long past being a teenager.

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This may sound like an off-topic question, but why do you need to tell other people that you're a virgin?

Most people who have sex lives lie about them to make them a bit more interesting than they are. I doubt anyone tells the absolute truth. Why should anyone need to know whether you've actually had sex or not? If you feel you need to answer truthfully, why can't you just say "Not yet" and then change the subject?

The thing about trying to change the subject is that sometimes that can come off as suspicious. Especially if their close friends and family. They could take that as a sign that, for whatever reason, your uncomfortable talking about it, therefore something must be wrong. I've found that with my friends their intentions aren't malevolent. They're genuinely concerned. They already think something is wrong, so if I go cold every time the subject comes up that will only confirm their suspicions. They want to help, they just don't understand I'm not in need of saving. In the past I've had no real way of explaining that to them.

Those who did try to hold it over my head, and try to use it to sell me out for a laugh I am no longer friends with anyway.

I will agree that if a question of your virginity comes from a stranger (surely I'm not the only one who has experienced this) or a person you don't really know, lying is probably the best solution. However, that can cause problems if a friend is with you and blurts out "Wait, I thought you were a virgin?" (again, surely I'm not the only one who has experienced this) :lol:

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Wooo. I guess I'd just forgotten how nosy people were when I was young(er), and didn't realize how much nosier people are now.

Of course, I now realize that some people assumed I was a closeted gay even when I was involved with a male partner, because I probably gave off a-dar in not wanting to talk about my relationship. That was some time ago when I didn't know about asexuality so I just willfully tried to ignore all that talk, not realizing that not participating in the talk told people that I was weird in some way.

There's no way to get around it is there.

But I still maintain you don't have to tell your parents. If they bring anything up by themselves, you should give them whatever story you think will shut them up.

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Virginity is culturally loaded no matter which way you look at it.

In conservative Western society, being a virgin is a hallmark of purity. In liberal groups, and especially amongst young people, it's a hallmark of being wanted, being adult, and I think those two definitions kind of reinforce each other. They create an environment in which virginity is either an object of desirability, or an object of shame depending on your beliefs and social circles. Either way, it becomes a symbol.

This is, pardon my language, bullshit. Inserting a specific portion of anatomy into a different specific portion of anatomy for what happens to be the first time doesn't change the world (and, while I'm on the subject, is also incredibly heteronormative). But we're told that it does over and over again by a bunch of different people in different ways, and I think it can be quite hard to divorce oneself from that.

I find it really refreshing that some people have posted here saying they don't feel shame or any sort of friction with their status of 'virginity'. I'm curious as to how various genders feel about it; I'm inclined to think it's upheld as a more important symbol for women, but I'm not sure why I think that and I could be way off base.

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I accept myself as I am, and my virginity is neither a cause for celebration nor for shame: it simply is.

Therefore I find that I'm not bothered in anyway when people bring up topics related to sexuality. In my mind, they're like children talking about whatever interests them at that time, but I feel like I've matured enough to not be interested in their gossip. People respect my stand, and nowadays haven't asked direct, intrusive questions anymore really.

Now that my thought is put out in written form it actually sounds like a form of asexual elitism. Oh well, let's hope not too many sexuals find it offending, hah :D

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Yeah, I don't much understand why it should be a cause of either shame or pride. The shame is because so many think it's a sign of being socially inept or undesirable, and the pride seems to have trickled down from what Sally said, to make sure the husband knew his children's paternity. Either POV seems to either treat sex as a magical doorway or as a sort of commerce (treating women like property, and undesirable if they've had sex with another man).

But yeah, younger people can be terribly nosy. I remember when I was 15, and I had sex out of curiousity to see what all the fuss was about. My "best friend" at the time wouldn't shut up, asking me for details. "Was there foreplay? I want to know!" I was horrified at her nosiness, and didn't divulge a single detail besides the fact that the deed had, in fact, occurred. She probably would've thought I was lying if she didn't know the guy involved. Likewise, I never understood why she always wanted to tell me about her sexual escapades, when I had no interest at all in knowing any of the details.

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It´s embarrassing for me cos I´m 38 years old.

The few times that I´m close enough to women I tend to walk away.For about a month ago i talk to girl/lady that I met over internet and it was REALLY hard for me tell her that I still is a virgin.And just before summerholliday I was asked by a guy how many years it since i last had sex ? I´m not confiedent enough to NEVER and in these situations it hurts.

Is this because sex is something that you desire to have?

YES, because I like what I see when i see two people being tender.That feeling that you trust another and the lack noise in the appartmenet saddens me.If that is the case, I think its normal to feel as if one has failed if one isn't able to achieve what one desires.It´s not like I feel I failed it´s more of feeling envy.

In the case of most asexuals, I don't think that sex is something that is usually intrinsically desired for its own sake so there isn't much reason to feel ashamed by its lack.It´s just that if the girl ask questions about my previous relationships, it feels awkwar.

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As well as the afore-mentioned 'reasoning' that 'Cool and sexy people get loads of sex so therefore people who don't have sex are uncool and ugly', I think people have a bit of distrust for those who actually don't want to have sex. Sex is a rite of passage to many people, and many people consider those who do not have sex past a certain age to have not fully achieved an adulthood status.

This completely ignores the fact that many sexually active people are far more immature, and that worldly wisdom does not come from between the legs of other human beings. People who first have sex at thirteen do not do so because they are more emotionally developed than people who first have sex, if they ever do, well into their adulthood.

Too much emphasis is placed on losing one's virginity. It's a fairly abstract thing, anyway. Are only girls virgins because they are the only ones who undergo a physical change? What if their hymens never break, do they continue to be virgins? What if their hymens break before sex? And if the boys are virgins too, then what specific act loses the virginity? Oral sex is still sex, does that not count? And if it's only penetrative, what about lesbians? Wouldn't that mean that the first time lesbians have sex is if something like a dildo is used? Would the one at the giving end of the dildo be losing her virginity too?

You see how ridiculous it is?

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Are only girls virgins because they are the only ones who undergo a physical change? What if their hymens never break, do they continue to be virgins? What if their hymens break before sex? And if the boys are virgins too, then what specific act loses the virginity? Oral sex is still sex, does that not count? And if it's only penetrative, what about lesbians? Wouldn't that mean that the first time lesbians have sex is if something like a dildo is used? Would the one at the giving end of the dildo be losing her virginity too?

You see how ridiculous it is?

Yes, it´s ridiculous. I think it´s not about hymen but about an experience. Some girls are born without their hymen, some break it during sport... I´ve always thought that simply when you have your first sex, you are not a virgin anymore. I meant penetration because - and you can laugh to my naivety - I thought oral sex is something what most of people don´t do, something like S/M or anal. Simply something what people don´t choose to do for their first time experience. But it´s only my repulsion towards it, which will probably make me one day well-known on AVEN as "MadRat - The Anti-Oral-Sexual." :lol: :lol: :lol:

In my case it´s simple because I´m virgin in all aspects, but I don´t know how to call a girl who had oral sex but not penetrative... Or two homosexual men who are not into anal sex, so they never do penetration...a half-virgin? It´s strange.

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Addicted2Oreos

I'm with vampyremage on this one; pride is just as useless as shame. Which I suppose goes for most things.

---

So you're also saying it's ALSO useless to be proud of being asexual, or gay, or any other minority?

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Ah! After reading every post on the three pages I don't remember what the first one said anymore. I'll just say my opinon on the topic in general in that case!

(this is pretending that the age for sex has been consitant ....which it hasen't been)

I came to a realisation that people live to like 80 (usually..give or take, obviously) and it's normal to have sex at 16? What is that...the first fifth of your life most people are virgins? So the majority of the population has been sexually active 4/5ths of there lifes?

(This isn't accounting everyone, obviously. The age it's okay to participate in sex is dropping) It's too the point where if you 23 and a virgin you are pressured for it...Thats a bit hard to swallow :\.

I am personally indifferent about my virginity. Maybe it's because I don't want sex. ever. I'm not 'waiting'.

Why do I think people are embaressed by it? My opinon? Is because people strive to fit the majority. Being a virgin isn't very common anymore. It's the exact oppisite as 'way-back when'. If you had sex before marriage you were outcasted....You didn't fit the majority, and being a virgin was a gift to your husband. Virginity isn't considered a gift anymore, and the majority has sex. Media then portrays sexually active characters as 'cool. and Virgins as geeks (the bad kind). Since you relate to the virgin characters you get warped mental images of yourself.

I could go on and on @_@ The reasons are so endless.

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In my case it´s simple because I´m virgin in all aspects, but I don´t know how to call a girl who had oral sex but not penetrative... Or two homosexual men who are not into anal sex, so they never do penetration...a half-virgin? It´s strange.

It gets stranger. If the typical definitive way for a girl to lose her virginity is to be penetrated sexually or to break her hymen during a sexual act... then any girl can lose her virginity to herself by sticking something long and interesting up there.

But this same set of rules couldn't apply to boys because that assumes that a boy loses his virginity the first time he wanks. You have to claim that a boy must penetrate to lose his virginity... in which case, any kind of glory hole counts. It also discounts men who have sex with men but do not penetrate... do they then conform to the rules applied to girls? Do they have to be penetrated? In which case, if a guy sticks something interesting up himself while wanking is he losing his virginity? Does there have to be somebody else present for it to count... should I go into the whole set of ridiculous possible 'exceptions' for this potential rule as well?

Virginity, basically, is as outdated a concept as chivalry and just as frought with faults and failings.

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The whole sex = maturity concept is fundamentally flawed anyway. You would have to accept that the youngest people to lose their virginity are the most mature, and that the most promiscuous people are the wisest.

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I fear that women aren't interested in men without sexual experience because it's presumably unnattractive to them, which implies that all they want is a toy so to speak. I imagined them not wanting to guide somebody through it and it's all very disappointing to think about, knowing that all they want is sex. I also think it's easier for women who are virgins though, because there's probably men that enjoy that out there.

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I fear that women aren't interested in men without sexual experience because it's presumably unnattractive to them, which implies that all they want is a toy so to speak. I imagined them not wanting to guide somebody through it and it's all very disappointing to think about, knowing that all they want is sex. I also think it's easier for women who are virgins though, because there's probably men that enjoy that out there.

Psst. Don't fall into the trap of thinking of one gender as homogenous and group-thinking. We take many forms and have many preferences. For every woman you find who only wants sex, can you even imagine how many would be interested in a partner who is not thinking about them in terms of fleshy sex toys? Sometimes the more audicious people seem to be the most common simply because they make more demands and fewer compromises. For all that, I suspect the more subdued are the most prevalent.

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I fear that women aren't interested in men without sexual experience because it's presumably unnattractive to them, which implies that all they want is a toy so to speak.

I think another possibility is that the copy-cat effect is at work: a man who hasn't had sex must be unattractive to other women, which is itself a big turn-off.

This has never bothered me at all though. I'm more than happy to be "friend-zoned" by 99.9% of all women I meet, and the only exceptions - i.e. those for whom I'd contemplate the possibility of something other than a friendship - would be asexual, and thus would not usually care about my lack of sexual experience.

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what michaeld says. I remember an episode of Beavis and butthead, where Beavis was saying "you can't get a girlfriend unless you already have a girlfriend, but you can't get a GF because you don't already have one.." or something. To some, being desirable might encompassed also being desired by others, now or in the past. While virginity doesn't necessarily mean that at all, some might equate these things.

As @Bloodangel, I'm sure there are women who are plenty happy to be with less experienced men, but perhaps they are less vocal about it. I certainly doubt all women are looking for men as sex toys, at any rate.

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I think, at least in my experiences, the issues stem from very little common ground asexuals and sexuals often do not share.

Biologically, we only exist as baby vending machines; we just happen to be particularly good at that, which is why we "won" the evolutionary battle, if you want to think of it like that. An asexual, by virtue of his or her lack of orientation, is theoretically completely disconnected from that Think about the implications...it's a bigger deal than you'd think. The way my peers act/acted is/was idiotic, but I realize why they behaved as such. Consider how much we humans do that is geared towards preparing the world for future generations. Beyond sex even, protecting the environment, searching for new energy sources, education reform...these are things many people support, because, I imagine for the most part, the underlying motivation is that it's to ensure their progeny will have a good place to live. I'm not saying asexuals can't be environmentalists, but to not be sexually attracted is to be disconnected from that entire cycle of making new Homo sapiens. In the same way, I have an impossibly hard time connecting with sexual peers. I have no connection, no understanding, and no comprehension of what it means to be "attracted" to someone. Granted, I have my own ideas about this, but taking their word for it...I can only imagine how much weirder it must seem in the opposite direction. I, intellectually, understand the need to reproduce obviously and so in theory I serve no purpose in that fundamental sense. I reckon this would cause an impasse, in that my peers and I do not share a basic directive in life.

Actually, a really fascinating movie, that touches on this concept, albeit from another angle, is "Children of Men." Basically, it's a science fiction movie in which at some point in the future, fertility rates drop to zero for some unknown reason. It's a wonderful, fantastic movie that I highly suggest anyone reading this rents!

Well there's my rambling

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Biologically, we only exist as baby vending machines; we just happen to be particularly good at that, which is why we "won" the evolutionary battle, if you want to think of it like that. An asexual, by virtue of his or her lack of orientation, is theoretically completely disconnected from that

Asexuals can wish to have children and some on AVEN have said they do so wish. A number of us have had children already. Our asexuality has nothing to do with the ability (or the desire) to procreate.

Not to mention that it is only your opinion that humans exist only as baby-vending machines, not a fact, but that fight was fought between you and others on another thread.

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I lost no such debate. Why don't you open a 9th grade biology book and see what it says.

I am aware asexuals could have sex, and by extension have children. This wasn't at all the point.

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I lost no such debate. Why don't you open a 9th grade biology book and see what it says.

I am aware asexuals could have sex, and by extension have children. This wasn't at all the point.

You just aren't reading what others say, nor what you've said.

I'm a little past 9th grade biology, thanks.

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Okay, if we have another purpose, besides reproduction, what is it?

For someone directing others to basic biology textbooks, your misunderstanding of evolution is rather surprising. Reproduction is not a purpose, evolutionarily speaking. Evolution itself does not have a purpose to it assigned from the outside. It's an emergent natural process. Reproduction plays an important role in this process, but that is different from saying that it has a purpose. Consider another example. Gravity plays an important role in how our solar system functions, but this doesn't mean that gravity has a purpose.

As for "our" purposes ... as intelligent beings, we create our own, both individual and collective (as social beings).

/derail

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