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Why is virginity embarrassing?


faraway

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Is it because other people remind you of it and mock you/shame you for it? Is it because it feels like your biological clock is ticking or something? Maybe it's something else?

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I don't think it's embarassing because I will openly talk about it with strangers if I have to but other people (sexuals) think less of you for it like you havn't fully matured or maybe they think you fail your gender because of it. Then you have those that patronise you by saying "I think it's nice that you're waiting for the right person," while they probably had sex with the first person that expressed interest.

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agirlcalledface

I agree with the idea that sexuals might think less of those who are still virgins. Virginity seems to be one of those things you're either proud of and people heckle you for it or you hide because you're ashamed of it - after all, "everybody"'s doing it.

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I always thought it was mostly societal pressure. I think that people who look down on virgins do so because they think that the virgin can't "get any" - essentially, there is something "wrong" with the virgin person because nobody thought they were "sexy" enough to pursue a relationship and have sex with them. So, the virgin person feels "lesser" because they must be "messed up" somehow - they're ugly, fat, stupid...something undesirable.

Obviously I don't believe any of this crap myself, I'm 21 and still a virgin. I don't go screaming it from the rooftops but I'll tell someone if they ask.

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Personally I've never really considered virginity to be something to be embarrassed about, however there is clearly a large segment of the population which does. I think the reasons for this go beyond a simple idea of sex vs. not sex. First, I think having sex is considered something akin to a right of passage. In western society, we have so few rights of passages that I think the losing of one's virginity is considered a sort of transition between being a child and being an adult. For many people I think its a validation of adulthood and there's this expectation that one must be more mature if one has lost one's virginity.

The second reason I think so many view it as a mark of shame is that virginity or the lack there of is directly attributed to desirability by many. If one is a virgin, especially later in life, there is this idea that something about that person makes them undesirable to others and if not one person finds them desirable enough to have sex with, there is this idea that there must be something hidden that is "wrong" with that person.

Of course, when considering the concept of virginity I don't think most people view it as a choice. If one is a virgin, most jump to the conclusion that one would rather not be a virgin and that in still being one, there is some sort of intrinsic failure in that. Because in the eyes of most, why would one want to remain a virgin? It goes hand in hand with the idea that sex is something amazing and something to be valued and because its something valued, not pursing it is a foreign concept to most people.

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mad_scientist

Of course, when considering the concept of virginity I don't think most people view it as a choice. If one is a virgin, most jump to the conclusion that one would rather not be a virgin and that in still being one, there is some sort of intrinsic failure in that. Because in the eyes of most, why would one want to remain a virgin? It goes hand in hand with the idea that sex is something amazing and something to be valued and because its something valued, not pursing it is a foreign concept to most people.

Or that you're "waiting until marriage", and therefore a religious nut (since religion is apparently the only reason anybody would wait, and one would have to be unusually devoted even then?). It's "undesirable" or "ultra-conservative and ultra-religious", both or which are off-putting to many people.

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Of course, when considering the concept of virginity I don't think most people view it as a choice. If one is a virgin, most jump to the conclusion that one would rather not be a virgin and that in still being one, there is some sort of intrinsic failure in that. Because in the eyes of most, why would one want to remain a virgin? It goes hand in hand with the idea that sex is something amazing and something to be valued and because its something valued, not pursing it is a foreign concept to most people.

Or that you're "waiting until marriage", and therefore a religious nut (since religion is apparently the only reason anybody would wait, and one would have to be unusually devoted even then?). It's "undesirable" or "ultra-conservative and ultra-religious", both or which are off-putting to many people.

I have never been ashamed of virginity, as I had made a conscious decision that I didn't want to have sex until marriage. Not that my group of friends talk about sex very much in the first place, and I'm sure several of the are still virgins. I'm pretty sure no one ever thought that my decision not to have sex until marriage was religiously driven, since I am probably in the running for the most clueless person about religion ever, lol.

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I'm not embarrassed by it in the slightest. My friends actually called me the 'smart one' because they already off and lost theirs to people they thought they loved. (Typical high school senario.)

When it happens, it happens. I'm not making a huge deal of it. First time is supposed to be special, right? I intend to make sure it is, I ain't gunna be like my friends and lose it just to lose it.

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SorryNotSorry

Is it because other people remind you of it and mock you/shame you for it? Is it because it feels like your biological clock is ticking or something? Maybe it's something else?

There was nothing wrong with virginity until a bunch of promiscuous people got tired of their lifestyle being stigmatized, and so they put the onus on virgins instead. Most people bought it.

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Is it because other people remind you of it and mock you/shame you for it? Is it because it feels like your biological clock is ticking or something? Maybe it's something else?

There was nothing wrong with virginity until a bunch of promiscuous people got tired of their lifestyle being stigmatized, and so they put the onus on virgins instead. Most people bought it.

I'm not so certain this is true. There is a very idealized image of the past in western culture, the idea that it was a more pure and innocent time. However, the past we think of and the past that actually happened are often not the same thing at all. The media romanticizes the past, emphasizing certain aspects of it and de-emphasizing others. While sex may have been viewed somewhat differently at some time, I believe the myth of the highly esteemed virgin is just that: a myth. Or at least, a myth to a certain extent because there was a strong emphasis and expectation that one was to get married and have children which, of course, meant having sex with one's married partner.

When, why and how much that expectation has changed throughout the years could be debated but to insinuate that its a result of promiscuous people somehow pulling the shades over everyone else's eyes to make promiscuity more acceptable, I think, is a dramatic oversimplification. Something as complicated as sex and sexuality is impossible to separate from the cultural influences around it.

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I think it's embarrassing because most people make it out to seem like a right of passage. You aren't cool until you've lost your virginity in the back of a car, or in a bathroom or something. They make fun of people who are virgins, which makes people ashamed to be one.

I used to be horrible embarrassed at the fact I was in my 20's and still a virgin. I told my friends and family that at the age of 30 if I had no lost my virginity I was just going to find some random guy on the street. This of course was when I was telling everyone I was saving myself for marriage (Which I did because I did not want sex at all. Ever).

Granted, now a days I could care less.

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I may be the only one like this, but I am not embarrassed about virginity ( I know I am only 15, but I know lots of people my age that have had sex) because I don't really consider myself a virgin (although I technically am). I don't really feel comfortable openly identifying as pre or post something that is never going to be a part of my life. Just like I wouldn't say that I am a pre-murderer because I know that I am never going to be a murderer. It is not something that I have to feel ashamed of because one, people have no right to have the answer to that question, and two, I'll just say no if they persist because I am not to me.

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Virginity is embarrassing if you're a guy because everyone knows that all men want to shag everything that moves, and so the only possible reason for remaining a virgin is being too undesirable for anyone to touch you with a barge pole.

If you're a woman, virginity might mean being a stuck-up prude. Though actually I think women are more likely to get away with virginity than men, but the opposite is true on the other end of the spectrum. Women who have lots of sex are frequently called sluts and other similar derogatory names, whereas men who have a lot of sex with different partners are highly exalted.

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I used to be ashamed for being a virgin because I viewed it as a sign that I´m ugly, unlovable, undesirable. I think it´s at least partly true because all guys who ever wanted to go out with me or who hit on me were either desperate lonely losers or totally drunk guys (and maybe desperate too).

Now when I know I´m asexual and when I´m sure I don´t want to have a relationship with sexual partner, I don´t need to bother myself with it anymore. If I ever had a relationship it would be with another ace. Asexuals don´t care about virginity or sex-skills. :)

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Pretty much what vampyremage and Michael said.

It's just an enormous deal in our society to lose your virginity. A friend of mine told someone he was a virgin and they were like "Oh, that's so cute!". Similarly, if you lose your virginity and disclose that you have, you'll get people saying things like "You're a man now!" Not having had sex makes you sexually inept, or akin to a child in most people's eyes.

Of course, it'd shouldn't really matter, but it does. Which is especially silly since you don't change at all after having had sex for the first time (at least in my experience).

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I used to be ashamed for being a virgin because I viewed it as a sign that I´m ugly, unlovable, undesirable. I think it´s at least partly true because all guys who ever wanted to go out with me or who hit on me were either desperate lonely losers or totally drunk guys (and maybe desperate too).

Now when I know I´m asexual and when I´m sure I don´t want to have a relationship with sexual partner, I don´t need to bother myself with it anymore. If I ever had a relationship it would be with another ace. Asexuals don´t care about virginity or sex-skills. :)

I felt the same at first, aside from being ashamed. A little embarrassed maybe, because it gave kids at school a reason to make fun of me, but not ashamed. If I ever have a relationship, I hope it would be another ace. Less to worry about that way.

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I dislike the word, also when it is used for other things like drinking because that makes big deal about it for no reason. I don't recall ever being called virgin, just some references for my lack of having sex, this I have no problem with. If I meet new people then they don't assume it, so that isn't a problem then either. I actually was told that I must have allot of sex few times, but I never did ask why they think that because my brain black out when that had happened.

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I think in today's society to have vast numbers of "partners" is a status symbol. If you have no partners, you have no status. This is stupid, but society is stupid, also.

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Member 35376

From the places I come from it was considered embarrassing or "low status" to not have tried some specific types of quite hardcore drugs... kinda whispers something about group pressure and things mentioned by others here.. doesn't it.. so it does not only apply on virginity in a "sexual context" (of course.. and I did mention this area to really prove the case that it is a general social "phenomena".. which I honestly despise so much that I am willing to tell people to f*** off if they complain about something in My private life that does not fit a "group profile").

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Virginity is the trademark sign of a loser. In relation to asexuality, it's probably easier for attractive Aces as they can always argue that they could get some if they wanted. They just choose not to. Less attractive asexuals would find it more difficult to convince people that they were virgins because of choice. To many people, it would appear that they were just not attractive enough to garner anyone's attention.

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It's interesting to read the answers to the virginity question on an asexuality forum. The answers wouldn't be quite the same if asked on a general forum, the populace of which would typically be sexuals.

Why is virginity embarrasing [for the majority of people]? Because virginity goes against social norms and expectations. Typical adults are not expected to be virgins. People usually fear to be seen as abnormal. Thus, they try to fit into the society by playing out their lives according to the rules of others. Or so it may seem from the perspective of an asexual.

In truth, many people people are not asexual though, which means the desire to lose their virginity is their own, not that of the society alone. I suppose there might be sexuals too who might not be too interested in losing their virginity, but I'd assume they are rare.

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I'm not actually asexual, by the way.

I suppose virginity is embarrassing also in the same way that any supposed deficiency is. To be considered stupid, ugly or terrible at golf can be a source of shame.

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I'm not actually asexual, by the way.

I suppose virginity is embarrassing also in the same way that any supposed deficiency is. To be considered stupid, ugly or terrible at golf can be a source of shame.

In order to call virginity a source of shame, or a cause for embarrasement, it would have to be viewed as a deficiency, yes. But, to classify virginity as a deficiency requires that the observer who does so first and foremost adheres to the norms of the society, thus resulting in a subjective view. An objective observer would not base their opinion on pre-existing norms, in my opinion, but on independent examination of the matter that would have the potential of being free from prejudice.

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I feel no embarrasment, or shame, about my virginity. Nor do I have any desire or intention of ridding myself of it. :D

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I always wondered why "virgin" was considered an insult, as well. I always just chalked it up to the peer pressure thing. To me, being a virgin makes life easier - life is complicated enough without having to worry about STD's or who the baby's father is or whether or not to get married because of being pregnant. So I prefer it, and the word isn't an insult to me personally. Of course, my attitude was quite common in my high school and group of friends at college, so I was kind of surprised the first time I heard of people being embarrassed about being a virgin. All these reasons people are giving for why virginity would be embarrassing to someone - they make sense. But I still don't understand why those things would outweigh the potential risks - diseases, surprise pregnancy, etc. - and taking those into a relationship. Do people actually get bullied for being a virgin? Does it escalate to that? Or is it just my ace-ness that has me shaking my head at the logic? Or maybe I just don't get why everyone doesn't have the same attitudes as me. :P

No, really, I guess it's just one of those things that's a part of society. It seems like people get ridiculed no matter what their choices are.

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I always used to consider myself a sexual person and although I didn't actively go out my way to lose it (apart from this one time, which was a bad idea) mostly there's some kind of subconscious wall forcing me to avoid it when people get too close and even when I have an opportunity, something stopped me. So to me, it did feel like I sign of weakness and failure that I couldn't do something I'd been wanting to for a while. This kind of thinking in my lifestyle made me very unhappy and drink a lot.

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I'm not actually asexual, by the way.

I suppose virginity is embarrassing also in the same way that any supposed deficiency is. To be considered stupid, ugly or terrible at golf can be a source of shame.

I think the idea of virginity as a deficiency is a really excellent point and I'm glad that it was made. Relatively few asexuals, of course, would view it this way but I think that most of the sexual general populace would. To have a relationship and thereby have sex is considered to be something valued and thus something that should be pursued. Sex in general is considered something to be valued, but in talking about the shame related to remaining a virgin, I don't think the relationship aspect can really be seperated from the equation, at least not entirely.

I think the idea of promiscuous sex is an idea that more on AVEN have as pertains to the outside world than is an actual reality. Of course there are groups in which casual sex is accepted, valued and even promoted, but I think its safe to say that sex in the context of relationships is still greatly valued as well and, I would say, more highly valued overall than casual sex. Of course, this is only my opinion based upon my own observasions. With that sex, not having sex can often be tied in which not having a relationship, at least on a subconscious level. For many, I think its exceedingly difficult to seperate the two ideas.

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Pretty much what vampyremage said, I think.

If I had to choose one reason, I'd say the reason for it being considered shameful is because it's so closely linked to desirability, and sexual attractiveness is very much considered a valuable thing to have, and people think no one would remain a virgin on purpose.

Virginity is the trademark sign of a loser. In relation to asexuality, it's probably easier for attractive Aces as they can always argue that they could get some if they wanted. They just choose not to. Less attractive asexuals would find it more difficult to convince people that they were virgins because of choice. To many people, it would appear that they were just not attractive enough to garner anyone's attention.

^BuzzingFridge probably said it better than I did. ^_^ Makes me think of the interview with David Jay on, I dunno, the view or something? Anyway, they made a HUGE deal about him being young and good looking. Sure, I suppose he is, but that actually has nothing to do with his or anyone else's asexuality. Their implied message, of course, was that they would expect people who don't have sex to be ugly losers. They didn't say that outright of course, but you could tell it was on their minds.

And also because it's considered a rite of passage into adulthood.

Why is virginity embarrasing [for the majority of people]? Because virginity goes against social norms and expectations. Typical adults are not expected to be virgins. People usually fear to be seen as abnormal. Thus, they try to fit into the society by playing out their lives according to the rules of others. Or so it may seem from the perspective of an asexual.

Yes, that too. People tend to be distrustful of anyone who goes against social norms, and they often show this by ridicule. Rather like typical bullying behavior.

And as others have said, many people view virginity as a deficiency. Like, "Oh that poor person is a virgin, s/he can't manage to get laid." On the other hand, anyone who is a virgin by choice doesn't see it as a deficiency at all.

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