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Biromantic Asexuals?


nolongeronaven

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nolongeronaven

I've known that I'm asexual for a few months now, but after struggling with my feelings and confusing sexuality for years, I've come to realize that I'm bi-romantic asexual.

It's been a little confusing, not being into sex at all. But the whole idea of it seems gross to me, and I don't enjoy seeing nudity (especially not genitalia). Basically, I don't like the idea of it and I don't ever want to even try it.

The thing is, I've looked back and I've come to realize something. I feel attraction to both males and females. It's so strange. I'm a guy and it's always felt so weird to me that sometimes I feel attraction to males. But at the same time, I feel the same attraction to girls. It's like, I find myself enjoying looking at both aesthetically pleasing men and women. But it never has to do with sex. It just feels nice. And it's rarely more than "Oh, this person is really good looking. I'm going to enjoy looking at this person for a moment."

For instance, I see a guy on TV with a great six pack. And I secretly enjoy it.

I might see a girl with a nice body, too. And I enjoy it.

But I don't have (the e-word)

And through my life, I've had crushes on girls. But I've also noticed (something I can't deny anymore), that I've had crushes on a couple of guys, too.

The truth is, I'd like to be in an asexual relationship with a girl. But I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with a guy, either. (Though I'm really only attracted to guys that are really big, tall, and husky, football player types).

I think in a relationship with a girl I'd take on the male persona of the relationship (protector, provider), and I'd want her to be slightly smaller than me (if that's possible) and with a guy (a guy that's much bigger than me), I feel like I'd want him to protect me, care for me, and like I'd enjoy the feeling of him putting big arms around me in a hug.

It's nice that now I understand this. As complex as it is, I think I've finally made it through this maze and this is it. Are there any biromantic asexuals here? I'd like to talk with some if there are. I've always been different than others (in many areas in my life) and it would feel nice to talk to someone I can relate to.

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Welcome, hollandspring :cake:

What you described can be classified as aesthetic attraction: liking someone for their looks, in a completely non-sexual way, like you would with an artwork or a beautiful photograph. It's very common among asexuals and even some aromantics can feel aesthetic attraction. I'm romantic, and I know I do feel it sometimes. You're not alone.

I can understand how you would handle relationships differently depending on the biological sex of the person you meet. It means you have different criteria of likings for men and women, and that's completely normal. It could also mean you have traits of both genders, which is, in my opinion, something great that enriches your own social experiences.

I'm not biromantic myself (just a heteroromantic, so I'm in for guys), so I can't add anything anymore. I hope this was useful enough for you.

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I'm biromantic, possibly panromantic, and I get what you mean. I can find people good looking, and sometimes want to look at them more because they are very good looking and so on, but just don't get the sex thing.

Aesthetic attraction is the term, I think. Not usually used because it often goes with romantic.

Though, in your subheader the bit about 'both' genders is implying that there's only two. Which.... isn't the case.

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The Vampire Queen

Though, in your subheader the bit about 'both' genders is implying that there's only two. Which.... isn't the case.

True. People tend to use gender and sex interchangeably, which is not correct. A person's sex refers to their physical body, whether they have male or female genitalia. Gender and sex do not always match (like for trans,androgynous, other varieties of genderqueer people). Your choice of words says that you are attracted to both sexes, not two genders.

Anyway, back to the original topic. I'm biromantic. It was a strange thing to finally understand. I thought I was bisexual for a few years, but my lack of lust for either sex led me to believe that I was probably like any curious heterosexual virgin. I'm still a virgin now, but I have a bit more experience (still just with guys) I've been with someone for about eight months and I haven't really liked a girl in a while. I'm a bit nervous about being in a relationship with a girl though. It's like even if I got her, I wouldn't know what to do. I'm also attracted to androgynous folk so I guess I'm technically panromantic, but I'm sticking with bi for now.

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nolongeronaven
I'm biromantic, possibly panromantic, and I get what you mean. I can find people good looking, and sometimes want to look at them more because they are very good looking and so on, but just don't get the sex thing.

That's just like me.

True. People tend to use gender and sex interchangeably, which is not correct. A person's sex refers to their physical body, whether they have male or female genitalia. Gender and sex do not always match (like for trans,androgynous, other varieties of genderqueer people). Your choice of words says that you are attracted to both sexes, not two genders.

Thanks for clearing that up :) I think I still have more to learn about different orientations and the terminology and androgynous people. But that makes sense.

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I'm either Bi or Panromantic. Not sure which, but I think I'm leaning more towards the latter as gender doesn't really have any relevance to me. (Then again, I'm genderfluid myself, so that might factor in a bit)?

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I know where you're coming from :)

For a while I was very confused, thinking I was bisexual, yet the thought of having sex with a man really turns me off. Other penises are just... yuck. But I still loved looking at men's bodies, as well as women's.

There have been a few male friends I've had who I just had a strong urge to cuddle up with and make out with a little. Thinking about it long enough will get me aroused. In fact, I think more about romance with men than with women. I guess I just feel like I connect with them better.

However, when it comes to sex, I'm not really interested in the first place but I find it easier to think about having sex with a woman than with a man. My response to imagining myself having sex with a woman is usually "Meh, it's alright I guess," but with a man it's almost always "Ugh, nasty. Do not want!"

All these conflicting thoughts and scenarios have left me very confused and without any sort of love life or dating situations (dated a girl for a month but that's been it). It seems I'm finally coming around to discovering all these different labels and characterizations, and it's nice to have something to identify with.

I, too, am looking for similar people to talk to, so I'd love to chat with you more here in this thread or via PM or whatever :)

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Well, even in terms of sex not gender it isn't just two, there's intersex people after all. Though if you're new here and to spaces that talk about such things, it's perfectly understandable to get things muddled up. Round here, you only have to ask and people can give a good explanation of it all.

I remember when I was figuring all this out because I knew I was attracted to men and women equally though not sexually but everyone had to be sexual right? I hadn't heard of asexuality. Thought I was some weirdo freak. It's a common thing amongst us.

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biromanticseniorgal

I used to identify as bisexual until I realized I'd never had any interest in sex. I reluctantly participated in sex until about 16 years ago when I started identifying as asexual biromantic. I was open and honest about it with any potential partners but would soon end up being alone again after a short time because of my lack of interest in sex. It became apparent that both men and women with whom I tried to have an intimate, nonsexual relationship felt they could change me - that I just hadn't been with the right person. True enough, I was not with the right person and have since, more or less, given up on having the kind of relationship I desired. In some ways it has been better to be open about my asexuality compared to the miserable feelings I would have after having engaged in sex just to be close to someone. And, yes, biromantic may not be completely accurate as has been previously pointed out by other posters who indicated that neither "sex" nor "gender" are limited to two. I'll stick with those labels because it's the best way I know how to describe myself, even if I'm not often believed at first. In my experience, it does get lonely at times, being asexual in a very sexual society. Best of luck to you in your quest for self-discovery. Take care everyone.

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nolongeronaven

I, too, am looking for similar people to talk to, so I'd love to chat with you more here in this thread or via PM or whatever

Sure, I'll add you as a friend.

Well, even in terms of sex not gender it isn't just two, there's intersex people after all. Though if you're new here and to spaces that talk about such things, it's perfectly understandable to get things muddled up. Round here, you only have to ask and people can give a good explanation of it all.

Oh ok thanks.. I've learned about intersex people in biology, and I know some things about transgender and androgynous people, I guess it's just new to me and a little harder to understand it all since I've lived my whole life in a VERY conservative, rural environment that has absolutely no tolerance for people who are different. But it's nice to know that there are people that are different, and that they're no less of a person because of it :)

In my experience, it does get lonely at times, being asexual in a very sexual society. Best of luck to you in your quest for self-discovery. Take care everyone.

Thanks!

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  • 5 months later...
my_name_is_coco

my struggle with being biromantic asexual is the lack of companionship.I don't go around announcing to the world that I am biromantic asexual;yet I feel like I may not find a partner.I get attracted to both men and women.summer last year I was very attracted to my swimming coach (guy) and two years ago I was so attracted,and probably still is,to an office trainer (guy).at the same time,I am attracted to two cute carpool mates of mine (both girls) and to my gay best friend.I saw one of my lady carpool mates two nights ago and it made my heart flutter.she is tall and dresses well,which I like because I also love fashion.I'm on marrying age now (I'm 28) and I get teased by my mom or my siblings if I'll get married soon.I can't go for the shock factor of telling them,"hey I'm biromantic asexual.I don't have any sexual interests.I don't have any interest of popping any kids" because it could get complicated and I have a whole lot of explaining to do.I could go for cuddling,holding hands,and kissing.my personal struggle is I may not find a partner who will seriously understand that I'm all about partnership,companionship,and intimacy without sex.

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I rarely am attracted romantically to anyone but when I am gender is irrelevant.

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I'm a biromantic asexual too. Most of my relationships have been with men (all sexual) but I've definately had feelings for other women before and kinda do at the moment, actually. But women never seem to find me attractive. :(

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I identify as panromantic, so gender does not serve as a deciding factor for me. But to fit in, that does entail that I would date either a male, female, or other-identified person if I felt romantically connected to them.

I have only dated sexual men (but that didn't go well because I did not wish to have sex) but I have never dated a woman or gender-variant person. Still, once the fear of me not being okay with sex subsided, I realized that in the sense of romance or aesthetic attraction, I was panromantic.

Also identifying as ambigendered myself, I think pan-romanticism was fate because I know I'd hurt if I was denied for not identifying as strictly male or female.

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  • 2 weeks later...
clarinetchick

Hi,

I identify as biromantic asexual.

In a relationship with a male or female i would like to be, as you put it, the 'protect-y' (have someone protect me).

But i do believe that the relationship should be even. ie. we share the "pants".

In a nonsexual way, I want to love someone and be loved back.

I want to cuddle, kiss, and be able to rely on someone.

I want to be able to share my life with someone special to me.

I would be happy to talk with anyone who has gone through the similar experiences.

I am currently really confused and don't know what i am feeling.

I'm glad that AVEN exists, and that there are other bi-aces.

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Hey-o! Bi-ace here! (Used to be pan-, but that's a very long story.)

I'm typically the dominant personality in a relationship, usually devolving into the "protector" role. I look at men more than women, yet see myself in a long-term relationship with a woman.

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Janus the Fox

Interesting, I also experience attractions of some kind for both men and women, but nothing romantic or physical in any way. There is that curisoity for romance/sex at thr moment I am aromantic and asexual with attractions, but im not defining myself yet because of uncertanties.

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