Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

[Rebuilder]

Oftentimes, whenever I start talking to people, we eventually have to end up with the question, "So, do you like girls?" Anyways, while talking to some friends the other day, they decided to ask the dreaded question, and I replied "Uh... not really." and they scoffed and asked "Oh I see, you like men." and I said "I'm not gay." Upon hearing this, they burst into laughter, completely blown by the idea of someone not enjoying the idea of sex. So they didn't take the comment seriously, and insisted on pestering with how they could 'hook me up' with women. A couple of days later, while talking to them, I made an off-hand remark on how one of the men were 'handsome'. Man, was I in for a grilling. The guy comes across and asks "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I replied with "The bottom line is, I am not gay." Later, while we were using computers, they decided to view my Facebook profile and found out I was interested in "Men and women". So they ask me if I were gay again and I just responded with "I'm interested* in men, but not sexually." I mean why is it so difficult for so many people so realize some people aren't in to sex? It's becoming a drain, as I have to face up to such questions, almost always after getting to know new people.

*Platonically

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

I tried saying that. My facbook had interested in both. Sometimes a mate might mention it to see what it meant and I'd say 'Yes, I'd have a conversation with either, people in general are interesting regardless of sex.'

They just go 'oh ok' and forget about it. I don't know if they're just taking my word for it but are open to me saying soemthing else later, or if they actually don't take it seriously.

But because most of them do just say 'oh ok' and are seemingly cool with it, it takes off the pressure. Like one guys apparently got a girlfriend we all haven't seen and we sometimes wonder if she's real or not, but we just say 'oh ok' we're not really judging or anything, because it kinda doesn't matter I guess.

So that's cool.

Those are school mates. People I know from other places seem to have a lot more to say. Which is interesting because if anything they have less right to do so. it's annoying. I'm beginning to leave people who can't accept something so simple and outside of our relationship. I wouldn't care about their sexuality and I wouldn't challenge it, it's insensitive. Sometimes they're just ignorant or need to be more open minded and sometimes they're just over stepping the boundaries.

Dunno how you get it across to them, but at a certain point I stop caring to.

[Rebuilder]

I tried saying that. My facbook had interested in both. Sometimes a mate might mention it to see what it meant and I'd say 'Yes, I'd have a conversation with either, people in general are interesting regardless of sex.'

They just go 'oh ok' and forget about it. I don't know if they're just taking my word for it but are open to me saying soemthing else later, or if they actually don't take it seriously.

But because most of them do just say 'oh ok' and are seemingly cool with it, it takes off the pressure. Like one guys apparently got a girlfriend we all haven't seen and we sometimes wonder if she's real or not, but we just say 'oh ok' we're not really judging or anything, because it kinda doesn't matter I guess.

So that's cool.

Those are school mates. People I know from other places seem to have a lot more to say. Which is interesting because if anything they have less right to do so. it's annoying. I'm beginning to leave people who can't accept something so simple and outside of our relationship. I wouldn't care about their sexuality and I wouldn't challenge it, it's insensitive. Sometimes they're just ignorant or need to be more open minded and sometimes they're just over stepping the boundaries.

Dunno how you get it across to them, but at a certain point I stop caring to.

I understand, but what really bothers me is how they make it seem as if you have to like sex, or your somehow lacking. Seriously, why is it so difficult to understand how some people aren't sexually attracted to men or women? I wouldn't have had this many problems, if they hadn't made being a h**n dog was something you had to do. <_<

[Guest member25959]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

[Okapi]

I've run into this problem too. I can usually get the point across with my straight friends (by explaining that I feel just as sexually uninterested in the same sex as them, and in the opposite sex as a gay person would be. I call this the YN/NY/YY/NN explanation, which corresponds with straights, gays, bis and aces; I stick to the gender binary version because they seem to find it much easier to understand). As far as I've been told, I don't know anyone who's gay, though that explanation would probably work for them too. The problematic part comes when explaining the matter to bisexual people. Most of them were really cool with it, but a few couldn't really grasp the idea. That's where my "less horny than an eunuch panda" line comes in. :P

In all seriousness, coming out can be tough sometimes simply because I won't be taken seriously, and their disbelief makes me curl up in self-doubt. I guess that what I'm saying is that sometimes people think they know your future better than you do, and that makes it more relevant than your present living, breathing self. I've walked out of the Ace closet nonchalantly as can be quite a few times, and went on like nothing happened, but at other times the people I care about refused to accept my feelings as legitimate, healthy or even real, and that sucks. My tip: if you're okay with it, just give them a reason to ask and casually mention you're Ace. That'll mean you're the one doing the explaining, you're the knowledgeable one and therefore you have the upper hand. I love lecturing people in real life (probably shows, doesn't it...), and the position of teaching makes me feel safer. I don't know if this post was useful or not, so I'm sorry. Just my ever-insomniac two cents.

[Guest]

I often compare my complete disinterest in sex with heterosexuals not being interested in homosexual sex and vice versa. Or at times, when I feel like it, I will also make comparisons with food cravings. Sexuals are hungry, other people (some gray-As for example) aren't very hungry but still don't mind having a bite, asexuals are completely full and don't feel like eating anymore.

I know it's imprecise because some asexuals actually have and enjoy sex, but that's the easiest way of making other people understand what asexuality is. Generally speaking I don't need to do so, since people either refuse to believe me outright, no matter what I say, or they believe my word because they can either guess or have already heard of asexuality before. :lol:

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Or at times, when I feel like it, I will also make comparisons with food cravings. Sexuals are hungry, other people (some gray-As for example) aren't very hungry but still don't mind having a bite, asexuals are completely full and don't feel like eating anymore.

Hunger could explain sex drive and appetite sexual preference/attraction.

[bweston23]

I've noticed that as asexuals we're in a really interesting and slightly disturbing situation where we're getting uncomfortable questions from heterosexual people and homosexual people in the same way that homosexual people have been badgered for so long. The difference is that we're getting it from both sides now. I've talked to both my straight and gay friends about asexaulity and almost every time I'm met with the same ignorance and 'innocent joking' (not so innocent) that would set my gay friends off if it happened to them.

It's unfortunate but there's still a lot of confusion in the GLBT community about aces, not to mention confusion in the wider world. For example, when it comes to dating and networking websites there's no option to identify oneself as asexual, even though options for other identities might be there (the site I have in mind is okcupid).

It's hard what most of us have to go through, and for those who may be "out" you're extremely brave a testament to your character. For those who might not yet be "out" there is a light at the end of the tunnel in that there are people who are understanding out there, and there's a great community here.

[CopyFox]

I find that being very open about my asexuality is the best alternative. The first question I usually get if I say that is "what's asexual mean?" So I explain, it means I don't experience sexual attraction to anyone, the same way that straight people don't experience sexual attraction to the same sex, and gays to the opposite sex. But then I say that while I'm not interested in people sexually, I can certainly be interested in them emotionally and mentally. While some people are still disbelieving, quietly or loudly, it's at least out in the open so that if they want, they can ask questions. I made a new friend earlier this year who at first didn't believe me about my asexuality, but in a later conversation I explained what it was like growing up, thinking that the sex-craze in our society was some kind of mass joke or form of teenage rebellion, and that's when it clicked for him and he really started believing me. Sometimes it just takes time and the right wording.

[CopyFox]

I tried saying that. My facbook had interested in both. Sometimes a mate might mention it to see what it meant and I'd say 'Yes, I'd have a conversation with either, people in general are interesting regardless of sex.'

They just go 'oh ok' and forget about it. I don't know if they're just taking my word for it but are open to me saying soemthing else later, or if they actually don't take it seriously.

But because most of them do just say 'oh ok' and are seemingly cool with it, it takes off the pressure. Like one guys apparently got a girlfriend we all haven't seen and we sometimes wonder if she's real or not, but we just say 'oh ok' we're not really judging or anything, because it kinda doesn't matter I guess.

So that's cool.

Those are school mates. People I know from other places seem to have a lot more to say. Which is interesting because if anything they have less right to do so. it's annoying. I'm beginning to leave people who can't accept something so simple and outside of our relationship. I wouldn't care about their sexuality and I wouldn't challenge it, it's insensitive. Sometimes they're just ignorant or need to be more open minded and sometimes they're just over stepping the boundaries.

Dunno how you get it across to them, but at a certain point I stop caring to.

I understand, but what really bothers me is how they make it seem as if you have to like sex, or your somehow lacking. Seriously, why is it so difficult to understand how some people aren't sexually attracted to men or women? I wouldn't have had this many problems, if they hadn't made being a h**n dog was something you had to do. <_<

I think part of it is just the young people of the world. Sex is a big staple in our industries and adverts, and is very overplayed in comparison with real life. As my peers get older and start experimenting sexually, they begin to realize that their sexual "appetite" doesn't necessarily follow the "normal" trend of more more now. And that's when they can start accepting that there is variation, meaning there are people who are different. It's the ones whose appetites match the accepted norms that have the most trouble realizing and then accepting that variation exists.

[Tals]

It's all about putting it how they can understand it, and sometimes that means ommiting some stuff. I explain it properly to my friends, but when pressed in to a quick explanation to someone who doesn't know what asexual means, I go with this;

I like girls, but I don't like them in the same way you do.

While you see "hot", I don't, I only see personality.

I don't look at people and think "I'd hit that", I talk to people.

If I enjoy sex or not is far too much to share with strangers anyway. I don't ask about their sex lives, why should they care about mine?

[Blood Angel]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

Perfect.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

Perfect.

Unless they're bisexual or pansexual.

Then when you try to bring in the idea of sex with animals or inanimate objects it stops being so perfect. =/

[Blood Angel]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

Perfect.

Unless they're bisexual or pansexual.

Then when you try to bring in the idea of sex with animals or inanimate objects it stops being so perfect. =/

Okay, it's only perfect with straight, gay and lesbian people. You could always try the "How can you not be interested in sex with animals?" though. If that fails, I'm not sure I want to be talking to them!

[test account]

I dont think you can make impudent people understand anything outside their experience. They dont want to learn anything new. Tell them to mind their business or youll introduce their head to a brick wall.

[Samael]

Oftentimes, whenever I start talking to people, we eventually have to end up with the question, "So, do you like girls?" Anyways, while talking to some friends the other day, they decided to ask the dreaded question, and I replied "Uh... not really." and they scoffed and asked "Oh I see, you like men." and I said "I'm not gay." Upon hearing this, they burst into laughter, completely blown by the idea of someone not enjoying the idea of sex. So they didn't take the comment seriously, and insisted on pestering with how they could 'hook me up' with women. A couple of days later, while talking to them, I made an off-hand remark on how one of the men were 'handsome'. Man, was I in for a grilling. The guy comes across and asks "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I replied with "The bottom line is, I am not gay." Later, while we were using computers, they decided to view my Facebook profile and found out I was interested in "Men and women". So they ask me if I were gay again and I just responded with "I'm interested* in men, but not sexually." I mean why is it so difficult for so many people so realize some people aren't in to sex? It's becoming a drain, as I have to face up to such questions, almost always after getting to know new people.

*Platonically

Well, I'm not on the omnipotent, superlative Facebook. Then again I enjoy doing my own thing by not giving a damn what the society does at large.

That's my advice to you as well. If you have a-hole friends, then the last thing you wanna do is submit to their questioning.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

Perfect.

Unless they're bisexual or pansexual.

Then when you try to bring in the idea of sex with animals or inanimate objects it stops being so perfect. =/

Okay, it's only perfect with straight, gay and lesbian people. You could always try the "How can you not be interested in sex with animals?" though. If that fails, I'm not sure I want to be talking to them!

lmao

No, it might fail because you're sort of linking normal, consensual sex with sex with animals (I consider it rape) and objects which is weird (although many people use objects as sex toys, so they still might think it's not weird, nor undesirable).

Once you start looking like you're linking sex to things that are considered morally wrong, people will start thinking you have a negative view of sex and it weakens the argument about lack of attraction because they can claim you're repressing it out of twisted morals.

[KevYu]

Or at times, when I feel like it, I will also make comparisons with food cravings. Sexuals are hungry, other people (some gray-As for example) aren't very hungry but still don't mind having a bite, asexuals are completely full and don't feel like eating anymore.

Hunger could explain sex drive and appetite sexual preference/attraction.

I love those lines. Some people think I'm anorexic since I eat to live and not live to eat. There was this article on appetite and sexual appetite in a book I have somewhere. I'll scan it when I find it.

Personally I don't find the need to explain it to people. Usually I respond to people asking why I'm not interested with "Why would it matter to you unless you want to date/sleep with me?" If they say yes to that, I would be coy and say sorry! the only one I'll sleep with is my teddy bear ^_^

[tyam]

Oftentimes, whenever I start talking to people, we eventually have to end up with the question, "So, do you like girls?" Anyways, while talking to some friends the other day, they decided to ask the dreaded question, and I replied "Uh... not really." and they scoffed and asked "Oh I see, you like men." and I said "I'm not gay." Upon hearing this, they burst into laughter, completely blown by the idea of someone not enjoying the idea of sex. So they didn't take the comment seriously, and insisted on pestering with how they could 'hook me up' with women. A couple of days later, while talking to them, I made an off-hand remark on how one of the men were 'handsome'. Man, was I in for a grilling. The guy comes across and asks "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I replied with "The bottom line is, I am not gay." Later, while we were using computers, they decided to view my Facebook profile and found out I was interested in "Men and women". So they ask me if I were gay again and I just responded with "I'm interested* in men, but not sexually." I mean why is it so difficult for so many people so realize some people aren't in to sex? It's becoming a drain, as I have to face up to such questions, almost always after getting to know new people.

*Platonically

That can be tough. Sometimes people have to understand that relationships are not all about sex. Everyone is different. Some people are sexual and others aren't (And I respect that. There are even people that choose to be celibate, which is also okay.). Just because you are 'interested' (I hate how this word is being used due to it being sexualized), does not equal "I want to get into your pants some time in the future."

[LiteralNovice]

Re: Explaining 'Not interested' to sexual people

Me: I'm not interested in sex.

Guy: How can you not be interested in sex?!

Me: How can you not be interested in gay sex?

:P

THIS.

VERY THIS.

Well if I were to explain it, I'd say flat out that sex isn't my main priority. Though knowing me, I'd go off on this spiel about how sex is not the only factor in a relationship and so on and so forth.

[Sally]

Personally I don't find the need to explain it to people. Usually I respond to people asking why I'm not interested with "Why would it matter to you unless you want to date/sleep with me?" If they say yes to that, I would be coy and say sorry! the only one I'll sleep with is my teddy bear ^_^

[Ace of Diamonds]

Drgreen19, I know where you're coming from. I'm a girl, and I've basically given up trying to explain myself. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm broken or telling me I just "haven't found the right person". It's so frustrating that I actually just pretend to be heterosexual. When I'm out with my friends, I'll comment on guys I think look attractive, in spite of my lack of actual interest.

I actually really want to find a male aromantic asexual to pretend to be involved with, just so it could save us both the frustration! :9

It's just annoying that people automatically assume that if you don't want to hop into bed with the opposite sex that you must be gay or something. I think asexuality is just... really not publicized in the way homosexuality has been in the last while, so I think it's going to be awhile before we get any kind of general understanding from the populace. :U

[Samael]

I actually really want to find a male aromantic asexual to pretend to be involved with, just so it could save us both the frustration! :9

Yes, ignorance is very common among people. If you wanted to get off easier, you could consider this arrangement. For the longest time I have considered marriage and relationships rather pointless for me, but they might serve some purpose after all. An "arranged marriage" between two aromantic people could indeed prove to be useful for both. Since marriage or a "stable long-term relationship" is seen as the norm in the long run, such an arrangement would lessen social pressure. In other words, it would potentially yield social benefits for both participants, which might make marriage or a long-term relationship a worthy investment. If the participants were both aromantic and asexual, there would hardly be any internal pressure for romance or sex either, meaning a win-win situation prevailed.

[honor is all]

I actually really want to find a male aromantic asexual to pretend to be involved with, just so it could save us both the frustration! :9

Yes, ignorance is very common among people. If you wanted to get off easier, you could consider this arrangement. For the longest time I have considered marriage and relationships rather pointless for me, but they might serve some purpose after all. An "arranged marriage" between two aromantic people could indeed prove to be useful for both. Since marriage or a "stable long-term relationship" is seen as the norm in the long run, such an arrangement would lessen social pressure. In other words, it would potentially yield social benefits for both participants, which might make marriage or a long-term relationship a worthy investment. If the participants were both aromantic and asexual, there would hardly be any internal pressure for romance or sex either, meaning a win-win situation prevailed.

:D Brilliant! Sounds like the perfect arrangement to shush annoying parents and grandparents. Sort of like a lavander marriage but this time with an absence of romance too. Btw thinking of norms and expectations, I htink that the word normal should be banned and replaced with either different or non-mainstream. For example, a firend of mine is in a heterosexual and has a hetero relationship with a woman but his acquaintances don't consider it serious or romantic enough because they don't plan to live together (I mean they are fifty and don't want kids why the heck should they). It totally BUGS me that a relationship has to be either sexual, romantic or monogamousto be considered 'real'.

[Samael]

I actually really want to find a male aromantic asexual to pretend to be involved with, just so it could save us both the frustration! :9

Yes, ignorance is very common among people. If you wanted to get off easier, you could consider this arrangement. For the longest time I have considered marriage and relationships rather pointless for me, but they might serve some purpose after all. An "arranged marriage" between two aromantic people could indeed prove to be useful for both. Since marriage or a "stable long-term relationship" is seen as the norm in the long run, such an arrangement would lessen social pressure. In other words, it would potentially yield social benefits for both participants, which might make marriage or a long-term relationship a worthy investment. If the participants were both aromantic and asexual, there would hardly be any internal pressure for romance or sex either, meaning a win-win situation prevailed.

:D Brilliant! Sounds like the perfect arrangement to shush annoying parents and grandparents. Sort of like a lavander marriage but this time with an absence of romance too. Btw thinking of norms and expectations, I htink that the word normal should be banned and replaced with either different or non-mainstream. For example, a firend of mine is in a heterosexual and has a hetero relationship with a woman but his acquaintances don't consider it serious or romantic enough because they don't plan to live together (I mean they are fifty and don't want kids why the heck should they). It totally BUGS me that a relationship has to be either sexual, romantic or monogamousto be considered 'real'.

Even if the relationship wasn't fully sanctioned in the eyes of the majority, it would still at least partially serve to lessen social pressure. Besides, if marriage is agreed on, who's to question its validity? Enduring social pressure isn't a problem per se, for me anyway, but it would certainly make life easier and more convenient if ignorant judgement wasn't passed on so often. Being different brings an annoyance factor with it, because many people have a hard time fully embracing the idea that not everyone is alike. Sadly, close-mindedness is widespread, so compromises such as these may be wise to consider at some point.

[Guest]

Well if I were to explain it, I'd say flat out that sex isn't my main priority. Though knowing me, I'd go off on this spiel about how sex is not the only factor in a relationship and so on and so forth.

The problem being that sex isn't the only factor, nor a priority in the list of factors, for sexuals. Saying "sex just isn't that important to me" to sexuals isn't going to get you very far in terms of them understanding asexuality.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Well if I were to explain it, I'd say flat out that sex isn't my main priority. Though knowing me, I'd go off on this spiel about how sex is not the only factor in a relationship and so on and so forth.

The problem being that sex isn't the only factor, nor a priority in the list of factors, for sexuals. Saying "sex just isn't that important to me" to sexuals isn't going to get you very far in terms of them understanding asexuality.

'I'm like Sheldon; I have no deal.' ?

[nyex]

I've only recently figured out I'm asexual, and so far I have only talked to my mother and two cousins, and they all seemed to understand it. What I said (because I thought I should keep it simple): "some people are heterosexual, some people are homosexual, some people are bisexual right? Some people are neither one of them. Like the opposite of bisexual. I like men and I even like women the same way I like men. I just don't want to have sex with them."

My mother didn't say much, but then later she stated it was because she could relate (haha). My cousin's girlfriend said "oh, yeah, I read about that before". And that was it.

I wonder, though, by what you guys are saying, if maybe I've just been lucky so far. Eesh.

[Tio]

I think I'm overwhelmingly lucky in the fact that everyone I know hasn't asked about whether I date or like men or whatever. I haven't actually had to talk about it to anyone. (I'm female btw, late twenties.)

I have come out to my Dad, my brother and his wife. All of whom have been very understanding. Curious, yes, but understanding. My mother... well she really wants me to have kids and I have't found a way to tell her it'll never happen. I'm an aromantic ace there's just no way.

The rest of the world? I don't talk about it. Haven't been asked. It works for me to let them assume I'm het.

[byanyotherusername]

Oftentimes, whenever I start talking to people, we eventually have to end up with the question, "So, do you like girls?" Anyways, while talking to some friends the other day, they decided to ask the dreaded question, and I replied "Uh... not really." and they scoffed and asked "Oh I see, you like men." and I said "I'm not gay." Upon hearing this, they burst into laughter, completely blown by the idea of someone not enjoying the idea of sex. So they didn't take the comment seriously, and insisted on pestering with how they could 'hook me up' with women. A couple of days later, while talking to them, I made an off-hand remark on how one of the men were 'handsome'. Man, was I in for a grilling. The guy comes across and asks "Are you sure you aren't gay?" I replied with "The bottom line is, I am not gay." Later, while we were using computers, they decided to view my Facebook profile and found out I was interested in "Men and women". So they ask me if I were gay again and I just responded with "I'm interested* in men, but not sexually." I mean why is it so difficult for so many people so realize some people aren't in to sex? It's becoming a drain, as I have to face up to such questions, almost always after getting to know new people.

*Platonically

I know this doesn't get to the crux of the problem, but if you say on your Facebook profile that you're interested in "Friendship" as apposed to "Men and Women" you are less likely to be misunderstood. In terms of explaining that you're not interested in sex, have you explicitly said that you're asexual (or whatever you identify as) and explained what that meant? Because for people who are unfamiliar with the concept just saying "I don't like girls" and "I'm not gay" doesn't really give them the full picture. You've eliminated the two only options they know of without presenting them with a third. It is a pain to continually have to explain yourself, but if enough of us do it we can hopefully raise the consciousness enough that the explanations become less and less necessary. Good luck.