swimmer98 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 We just spent hours reading up on asexuality and she has never been physically attracted to anybody. I love her so much and she loves me. We have sex but it is hard on my because I do not feel that physical chemistry from her. How do we make this work? Link to post Share on other sites
Hallowitch Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 That depends on how much you're each willing to compromise. Would she be willing to continue to have sex with you, for your sake? Would you be willing to give it up for her? I suggest you two sit down and have a frank discussion about it, but as long as you're both willing to compromise, it seems like you love each other a lot, so I don't see why it can't work :) Link to post Share on other sites
swimmer98 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 That depends on how much you're each willing to compromise. Would she be willing to continue to have sex with you, for your sake? Would you be willing to give it up for her? I suggest you two sit down and have a frank discussion about it, but as long as you're both willing to compromise, it seems like you love each other a lot, so I don't see why it can't work :) We both enjoy sex, I just am not too keen on the fact that she isn't physically attracted to me or anybody. It makes me feel empty and rejected. I feel like we are friends sometimes instead of husband and wife. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 That depends on how much you're each willing to compromise. Would she be willing to continue to have sex with you, for your sake? Would you be willing to give it up for her? I suggest you two sit down and have a frank discussion about it, but as long as you're both willing to compromise, it seems like you love each other a lot, so I don't see why it can't work :) We both enjoy sex, I just am not too keen on the fact that she isn't physically attracted to me or anybody. It makes me feel empty and rejected. I feel like we are friends sometimes instead of husband and wife. That's one of the issues of an ace/sexual relationship. She can't change the fact that she doesn't feel sexual attraction, so you have to try not to take it personally. She IS attracted to you or she would not be with you, it's just not the same kind of attraction. It's no less deep or meaningful, just different. Unfortunately, sex and love are tied so closely to a lot of people that it's difficult to have that kind of close relationship and not expect sex to be a part of it. My boyfriend is extremely sexual and I know it bothers him that I'm not attracted to him in the same way that he is attracted to me. I kind of wish he was here with me so I could ask how he deals with it, but no such luck today. The best I can do is ask, beyond the sex, what sets her apart from every other woman in your life? If you completely remove the physicality, what is left that makes her The One? It might help you when you start to feel as though you are less than husband and wife. And, of course, talk to her about it. Communication is everything even in the simplest of relationships. In one like yours, it's often life and death to your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Hallowitch Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I'd recommend going to see a marital/relationship counselor then, with your wife if possible, and discussing this openly. I'm sure she doesn't intend for you to feel that way and it will help to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 What Great said. If she's asexual, she'll most likely never feel anything from sex, neither with you nor with someone else. It doesn't mean you're any less than husband and wife, else she wouldn't have married you; she just lives your relationship in a different way. I also agree the best way to go about it is having plenty of communication. Talk to her about it, and ask her how she feels. If your bond is strong, I'm sure you can find a meeting point! Link to post Share on other sites
swimmer98 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 We just started marriage counseling because we have not been able to figure out whats going on in our marriage. She has issues from the past from people making fun of her about her weight and from her mother being an ultra-perfectionist. The only thing I am a bit afraid of is that our counselor will dismiss asexuality because he went to a super conservative Christian university. If he does perhaps we'll search for somebody more open minded. Last night we cried and she broke down and I held her. I don't want her to feel abnormal if it isn't something she'll be able to change. She enjoys sex, just the physical part removed and she understands that I am physically attracted to her. If I always need to turn her on romantically I guess its not really that big of a deal, I just need to not take it personally. Prior to us being married, she had a stage where she was with a lot of guys to find acceptance - is this normal? Did a lot of you find out after marriage, or did you know before? Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 A counselor that dismisses asexuality is definitely not worth seeking help from again. I wish I could say they were a rare occurrence, but unfortunately they seem to crop up a lot. Best of luck to both of you, though. I hope you find something that will help. Each person tries to sort out their sexuality differently. There have been a lot of people on this site that try to "force" themselves to be sexual, as it seems your wife did, or just went along with it because they thought it was normal. The closest I ever came to that was having sex with a close friend out of curiosity. He ended up becoming my boyfriend. I've known I was asexual since I was very young, though I didn't know there was a word for it until recently. I have seen a lot of instances where people discover their asexuality while married, though. It's often a tough stumbling block to get past, but some of them do. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Many people do things they didn't really want to do just for the sake of feeling socially accepted. Your wife is no exception, and it doesn't mean what she did brought her to be asexual. She's probably always been, regardless of her life experiences. You could benefit from couple counselling, but remember it won't change her as of how she lives sex, at least most probably. There are lots of asexuals here who've been knowing about their asexuality ever since an early age. I found out at 13 myself, and I'm not the only one. However, some have been... a little less lucky, let's say, and they've had to go through not so pleasant experiences before finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I was married and had a long-term relationship, both sexual, and was never sexually attracted to either of them, or anyone. But that was so long ago, there was no knowledge about asexuality, and all of us on AVEN who went through those experiences just thought something was wrong with us. That's the real danger for your marriage, I think. Your wife may feel that there is something wrong with her because she doesn't feel what you want her to feel, even though she does what you want her to do (have sex with you). As said by other posters, she can't help that. You can perform actions but you can't manufacture feeling. I'm afraid that the super-conservative counselor isn't going to be much help, because he/she might emphasize your wife's duty to you -- in this case, to feel something she just doesn't feel. I hope that doesn't happen. As the Great WTF says, that's the key issue in an asexual/sexual relationship: feelings. The sexual feels devalued because the asexual doesn't feel sexual attraction to him/her. If you really value your marriage to her, you need to look at the whole picture, rather than the lack-of-sexual-attraction situation. If that just doesn't work for you, then you need to consider what to do next. But neither counseling nor guilt is going to make her feel sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelsea Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I'm in the same situation - married 13 years, and we're good friends, but he wants sex and I don't. For 13 years I tried to please him, but it felt vile and nauseating and degrading to me, so I've finally had to give up, and admit that I'm asexual and can't do that stuff for him any more. But I do care about him, and his feelings and needs, so I've given him permission to seek sexual gratification outside the marriage. We like each other too much to get divorced at this point, so we're just trying to live with it, and figure out how to be happy in this situation, but it's definitely a challenge. I wish you guys the best as well. I'm new to this site (and to the concept of asexuality in general) and still going through the heartbroken phase of trying to deal with a marriage that isn't what we thought (or pretended to think) it was, for all those years. I hope in time things will get better, but yeah it is a very hard thing to have to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack008 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Well, I have to say that I believe my ex-wife was asexual after reading up on it. We had 15 years of marriage and nothing helped change the fact that she did not like or enjoy sex and had no sexual attraction to me. Perhaps it had something to do with her being molested by her older brother when she was younger, I don't know. But if you are a guy who enjoys sex, is attracted to women, and wants to feel desired by your wife, I believe the only option for you if you are married to an asexual women is divorce. Believe me I tried. 5 years of trying to encourage her, 5 years of seeing counselors and reading books, etc, and 5 years of just trying to endure. In the end the only option seemed to be divorce. My advice to you would be to do it sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Lydian Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Well, I have to say that I believe my ex-wife was asexual after reading up on it. We had 15 years of marriage and nothing helped change the fact that she did not like or enjoy sex and had no sexual attraction to me. Perhaps it had something to do with her being molested by her older brother when she was younger, I don't know. But if you are a guy who enjoys sex, is attracted to women, and wants to feel desired by your wife, I believe the only option for you if you are married to an asexual women is divorce. Believe me I tried. 5 years of trying to encourage her, 5 years of seeing counselors and reading books, etc, and 5 years of just trying to endure. In the end the only option seemed to be divorce. My advice to you would be to do it sooner rather than later. Wow. Great first post you have there. Really insightful. Not. Just because you couldn't deal with your wife not liking sex or being attracted to you doesn't mean everyone else is the same, but sure let's tell people to just give up before they try because you failed. I'm all cool with you deciding you weren't happy and leaving, I don't know your entire circumstances, but telling someone else to just give up is pretty damn thoughtless and insensitive. Especially when it's made pretty clear he is willing to work things through with his wife. My advice is the OP is to do your best to make it work because if you really love her, this is just something to work through. Maybe it's not ideal or perfect, but giving up without even trying would just be throwing away the possibility of something wonderful. As people have said, think about all the reasons you love her and why she's important to you. It sounds like you care for her a lot and I think it's important as stated above to remember that it doesn't mean she loves you any less. I actually think you're already doing quite well at that as in your last post you sounded really understanding. I probably don't even need to tell you any of what I just said you seem to have a pretty good handle on things. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 There are basically three options available to couples who find they are different from each other when it comes to sexual needs. They can attempt a compromise and both make adjustments to accept less (or more) than they would prefer, they can attempt to open the relationship and stay together but have sexual needs met elsewhere, or they can choose to go in new directions away from their current relationship entirely. Couples often go through a process of trying different things and then dealing with the situation in a way that works best for them. This thread hasn't been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it. Lady Girl, Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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