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How many people even feel extremely uncomfortable talking about sex?


misscuriosity

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misscuriosity

I can discuss asexuality and things related to sex on this forum, but in real life, just talking or hearing about sex makes me extremely uncomfortable. When I was in a relationship, my ex wanted to discuss our future sex life, and I was always like, "Can we talk about it some other time?" and ran away. It really made me uncomfortable, and I just can't stand it. Does anyone feel the same way?

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Member33070

Yep. I have a good friend who likes to tell me stuff. Just, stuff in general. And she likes my advice. Apparently I give pretty good advice. But she mentioned some time that she had sex with this guy...

I have to say, "Please, spare me the details unless it's critical to understanding the situation fully..."

I used to be a really squicked-out constantly-repulsed ace, but I've been working on it. I'm not squicked out by everything anymore, but the thought of my family and friends and people I'm squishing on having sex is still kind of in my "squicky" zone.

Fortunately, I'm out to everyone so they understand that explaining it to me is kind of useless because I don't really understand it, and they know that it squicks me out and that I can't control that.

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It depends on if I know the person or not. Last night, I had a new male co-worker come up to me with a book titled "Fast Sex" saying how he thought it shouldn't be fast but slow. That made me feel uncomfortable and annoyed.

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First of all I find it disrespectful when someone is talking about sex with their partner with details. I think sex is very private matter, so WHY they are talking about it with other people than their SO???

And another reason why it makes me feel uncomfortable is that I have nothing to talk about, I´ve never had sex, I don´t understand what is so amazing about it... and almost all sexual practices seem simply disgusting and degrading to me.

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The Great WTF

Discussing sex with strangers isn't so much uncomfortable as frustration and embarrassing. Unfortunately, given some of the friends I keep and the place I work, it's a common occurrence not made any better by my roommate who perpetually insists on making my asexuality (which he is skeptical at best of) a topic of conversation with anyone and everyone. Ditto that for my boyfriend's friends, who have been privy to some very interesting details of my personal life thanks to my boyfriend having no brain/mouth filter just like I do.

Talking about it with friends I have no problem with, probably because my friends were always telling me about their sex lives in an effort to get me to want to try it or seeking advice because everyone knows I am a nerd who researches everything. "My boyfriend wants to try anal and you're, like, the health guru. Is it safe? Lube? He's this big around, is it going to hurt?" That kind of thing. Same for family... Dad's side of the family, anyway. I think my mom's more uncomfortable discussing sex than most repulsed people are.

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"My boyfriend wants to try anal and you're, like, the health guru. Is it safe? Lube? He's this big around, is it going to hurt?"

OMG, does this friend knows you're ace ?

Even for a sexual person, hearing a friend telling you this type of things can make you uncomfortable i guess.

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"My boyfriend wants to try anal and you're, like, the health guru. Is it safe? Lube? He's this big around, is it going to hurt?"

OMG, does this friend knows you're ace ?

Even for a sexual person, hearing a friend telling you this type of things can make you uncomfortable i guess.

My friend asked me about the same thing, lul.

It helps to think of it from a completely objective point of view, and state facts instead of opinions.

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"My boyfriend wants to try anal and you're, like, the health guru. Is it safe? Lube? He's this big around, is it going to hurt?"

OMG, does this friend knows you're ace ?

Even for a sexual person, hearing a friend telling you this type of things can make you uncomfortable i guess.

My friend asked me about the same thing, lul.

It helps to think of it from a completely objective point of view, and state facts instead of opinions.

Yes of course, i unterstand. I don't know if you were already taking about sex but even if you were i think this is completely weird (telling the size of his penis, asking if you think it's gonna hurt, etc) :D

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The Great WTF

"My boyfriend wants to try anal and you're, like, the health guru. Is it safe? Lube? He's this big around, is it going to hurt?"

OMG, does this friend knows you're ace ?

Even for a sexual person, hearing a friend telling you this type of things can make you uncomfortable i guess.

My friend asked me about the same thing, lul.

It helps to think of it from a completely objective point of view, and state facts instead of opinions.

Yes of course, i unterstand. I don't know if you were already taking about sex but even if you were i think this is completely weird (telling the size of his penis, asking if you think it's gonna hurt, etc) :D

It's pretty normal for me. I'm the mother figure to my friends and it's widely known that I know a lot of strange things, especially where health and sex (my two non-nerd fascinations) are concerned. The first time someone asked me something like that, it freaked me out but I went online, did some research, and helped them because that's the kind of critter I am. Now, lately, it's totally normal for a friend to call me up and ask me about anything from 'this spot here hurts, what should I do?' to 'Can you get friction burn on your penis and what do I do to get rid of it because I have work in an hour and it hurts to wear pants?' (And yes, that was a real question. From my boyfriend no less.)

And, yes, they all know I'm ace. They also know I have a boyfriend who has tried a lot of very strange things and put things in very bizarre and painful places and what I don't know he can usually answer for me.

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It depends, I think. I'm generally fine with discussing sex, sexual desire or lack thereof on a general level, but not so much on a personal level. Though apparently these limits are somewhat ill-defined, since there have been instances when I've been having long conversations with my flatmate (who's really helped me understand certain aspects of sexuality) and everything's been going fine and then suddenly she pops out "just another fact" and I go, "TMI, TMI! Did you have to?" and she doesn't understand what I mean.

It doesn't help that I was perhaps considered something of a perv by my social circle in my first year of university. We all had this situation where we only had one lecture on Fridays, after which we'd go to the cafeteria for lunch, and for some reason I was always the one who'd go, "I read last night on Wikipedia about the ancient Greeks' take on oral sex -" Fun times.

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Yeah, it's uncomfortable.

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Vampyremage

I am open and comfortable when talking about sex with friends and strangers, although its not something I tend to be the one to bring up. I don't like talking about my own sex life specifically (although I'm fine mentioning that I'm Ace) but talking about sex in general or the sex lives of others is perfectly fine. Sexuality in general has always fascinated me, so that's a part of it, I think. The other part is that sex just doesn't illicit much of a reaction at all in me, it doesn't feel that much different than talking about any other interesting subject. I might put it in with something like politics or religion in that I wouldn't necessarily talk about that at any old time, but its no more or less taboo than the above subjects.

I particularly enjoy talking about the psychology of sex and sexuality. The why's and how's and what works and what doesn't, what goes on in the brain of sexuals when certain actions are taking place. Much of it is very foreign to me because, while I am reasonably sexually experienced, most of the psychological stuff I've just never experienced and probably never will (especially since I've now decided I no longer want to engage in sexual activities at all). Its always been a purely physical thing to me and even then I don't think I got as much out of it as most sexuals.

I guess I've never entirely understood why sex should be something so incredibly private and taboo that one was not supposed to mention it ever. I don't think many subjects fall into that category, really. Bring it up at the right times of course, not in the middle of work for example, but I don't see any reason why it shouldn't be discussed at all. Sexuality is part of the human condition and I think its important to strive to understand the human condition, sex and sexuality and all.

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I'm one of the black sheep on that regard. I actually like talking about sex, providing it's with friends, because I always end up learning something new and I marvel at how strange it all sounds to me. I do lots of research on it because my aceness seems to provide me blindfolds about intuitively knowing anything sex related, so the fix can only come with information. It's something I feel I should know anyway (even though it doesn't concern me personally), since it matters so much to most people - and I'm plain curious. Sexual jokes don't bother me either.

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It doesn't make me uncomfortable as such, but I don't tend to be able to contribute much to the conversation so other people tend to get pretty bored. I'm quite happy to give advice if people ask (not that they usually do) but it tends to be more from the common sense point of view and more to do with the relationship side of things than physical details.

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First of all I find it disrespectful when someone is talking about sex with their partner with details. I think sex is very private matter, so WHY they are talking about it with other people than their SO???

And another reason why it makes me feel uncomfortable is that I have nothing to talk about, I´ve never had sex, I don´t understand what is so amazing about it... and almost all sexual practices seem simply disgusting and degrading to me.

Agreed with that part.

You're having sex ? Good ! I don't want to hear or know about it or the details whether it be friends or family. <_<

Yes I find it to be an uncomfortable ( repulsed sce lol ) and uninteresting topic. I also hate it when people boast of their sexual conquests like they saved a life or something.

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Guest member25959

Well I only utter about 5 words a day and never leave my bedroom, I can't remember the last time I had a discussion about sex........I can't imagine finding it uncomfortable, it's just sex :rolleyes:

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Vampyremage

First of all I find it disrespectful when someone is talking about sex with their partner with details. I think sex is very private matter, so WHY they are talking about it with other people than their SO???

And another reason why it makes me feel uncomfortable is that I have nothing to talk about, I´ve never had sex, I don´t understand what is so amazing about it... and almost all sexual practices seem simply disgusting and degrading to me.

Agreed with that part.

You're having sex ? Good ! I don't want to hear or know about it or the details whether it be friends or family. <_<

Yes I find it to be an uncomfortable ( repulsed sce lol ) and uninteresting topic. I also hate it when people boast of their sexual conquests like they saved a life or something.

What I want to know is why should sex be a private matter? For some people it is and they don't talk about their own sex lives and I think that's fine. But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private? Boasting about sexual conquests might be in bad taste but many things are in bad taste. In addition, there is a big difference between boasting about conquests and having a reasoned discussion about sex.

I understand how a sex-repulsed Ace might prefer not being around sexual conversation. But to say a word like disrespectful implies a value judgement on the topic. Shouldn't it be up to the people directly involved whether or not they decide that it is a private matter? I don't get it at all and I don't get why sex and sexuality are treated so differently than almost everything else. Why is it considered such a taboo subject by so many people?

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But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

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Vampyremage

But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

Shouldn't that be up to the particular partnership to decide though? I get it on the personal level; that its an intimate relationship and some people don't want their sex lives talked about with other people. I don't get it on the broader level, the insinuation that its somehow immoral to talk about sex with other people. If two people engage in sex together and they're both ok with their partner talking about it with some mutual friends (or otherwise) how is that a bad thing?

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But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

Shouldn't that be up to the particular partnership to decide though? I get it on the personal level; that its an intimate relationship and some people don't want their sex lives talked about with other people. I don't get it on the broader level, the insinuation that its somehow immoral to talk about sex with other people. If two people engage in sex together and they're both ok with their partner talking about it with some mutual friends (or otherwise) how is that a bad thing?

I didn't insinuate it was immoral. You asked why talking about sex with a partner is different from any other topic. I would guess--and I think it's a pretty well-founded guess--that anyone who's had sex with someone doesn't want that someone talking about it to others. I didn't, and my partners didn't.

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Vampyremage

But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

Shouldn't that be up to the particular partnership to decide though? I get it on the personal level; that its an intimate relationship and some people don't want their sex lives talked about with other people. I don't get it on the broader level, the insinuation that its somehow immoral to talk about sex with other people. If two people engage in sex together and they're both ok with their partner talking about it with some mutual friends (or otherwise) how is that a bad thing?

I didn't insinuate it was immoral. You asked why talking about sex with a partner is different from any other topic. I would guess--and I think it's a pretty well-founded guess--that anyone who's had sex with someone doesn't want that someone talking about it to others. I didn't, and my partners didn't.

Sorry, I didn't mean that you insinuated that it was immoral, I meant more that many people tend to insinuate that it is immoral and its that idea of immorality that has always confused me. Again, I get that some people have certain things, sexual or not, in their life that they prefer to remain private and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. The issue that I have, I guess, is extending that need for privacy to other people in the sense that if I think something in my life should be private then other people should treat that same thing in their own lives as if it should be private.

I think perhaps part of the confusion on my part is the way I grew up. My father was extremely sex positive and was pretty open about his own sex life and encourage me to be the same way. He didn't go into the nitty gritty details, so to speak, because I was his daughter but I knew a lot more about his sex life then I think most teenagers knew about their parents sex life. I have also never had a more problem with the people I'm with talking to their friends about our sex life, provided it was done in a relatively mature and accurate fashion. I.e. I never wanted my partner to exaggerate or make things up, but a constructive conversation with a close friend, that's always been fine with me and I know many people in my social circle that feel similarly as I do.

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Maybe my feelings are amplified by the fact that I had sex all my adult life as what I only now know myself to be: a romantic asexual who didn't like sex and only had it because it seemed to be required in romantic relationships. Since had to listen to discussions about what fun friends and co-workers (all sexuals) were having with their boyfriends and husbands, I definitely didn't like the idea that my husband or my partner would be talking about our relationship. As an asexual, sex wasn't fun for me, and though I participated in it, I didn't want that participation to be a subject of conversation. I certainly understood that most of the world (at that time, it seemed ALL of the world) was happy having sex, but it still seemed like such a private thing to me, I just couldn't understand why they would share it with everyone. Except to brag, of course, which a lot of people did.

And maybe it's partly generational: most of those sharers were younger than I, and there may be less of a culture of privacy now, especially with most people sharing their lives on their blogs.

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OurLittleMiracles

I talk about sex quite a lot with friends, always including the disclaimer that I don't have much experience. Sex is one of many human behaviours, so it's interesting to me.

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Urban_Sidhe

My mom was very open about sex. Even when I was a teen she didn't want me to have sex but if I started she made it clear I would only be in trouble if I came home pregnant because birth control was easily obtained.

I have no problem talking about sex in particular. It's a natural thing. 99% of the population does it and enjoys it. So Chances are you are going to talk about sex at some point in your life. And as a girl, we talk about the most private grossest stuff if you get enough of us in one room. I have no problems discussing my past love life. The only problem I have is when someone asks me 1. to have sex and 2. what I like about it. I like the intimacy but would prefer if (excuse the expression) uglies didn't bump. When the conversation with a b/f comes up about having sex. I immediately get nervous.

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But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

This.

It´s hard to imagine for me but if I were sexual and my partner talked with his friends about our sex. life I would feel so betrayed and degraded that I would probably break up with him. It takes me months or years to start to trust to someone and this trust is very easy to break.

I´m very shy, introverted, cagey and reserved so it might be partly a reason why I would feel so bad about it.

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Vampyremage

But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

This.

It´s hard to imagine for me but if I were sexual and my partner talked with his friends about our sex. life I would feel so betrayed and degraded that I would probably break up with him. It takes me months or years to start to trust to someone and this trust is very easy to break.

I´m very shy, introverted, cagey and reserved so it might be partly a reason why I would feel so bad about it.

Would this extend to other people talking talking about their own sex lives in which you were not a part of?

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I never really talked about it with very many people (could be generational for me too). But I also think somehow it cheapens it, or makes it seem like a joke...which so much of the talking seems to be. I don't usually hear people saying meaningful or thoughtful things about sex, and I probably think that's the main reason I find sex-talk distasteful, it's not usually considerate.

It probably doesn't help that the few times I did say anything to anyone about my husband not really being into sex (after some libations) girlfriends would say I should leave, and guyfriends would ask me what was wrong with him. Then those guys would proceed to hit on me, which made me feel as though they weren't really friends. Needless to say, none of that left a good impression on me. And it always did feel like I was somehow betraying my husband's trust.

I don't think sex is usually the best topic for discussion, especially knowing now that it is repulsive to some, and may make others extremely uncomfortable. It's much easier here where I feel somewhat anonimous.

And Vampy, I do kind of get where you're coming from too. You might not have responded to me the way others did.

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But why is sex somehow different than almost any other topic with the expectation that it should be private?

Because it's about the most intimate relationship you can have with another person and if you blab about it to other people, you're kind of betraying that intimacy. Why would any one want to have their sexual activities with their partner talked about with other people? It's not like one partner talking about a good restaurant both partners went to last night.

This.

It´s hard to imagine for me but if I were sexual and my partner talked with his friends about our sex. life I would feel so betrayed and degraded that I would probably break up with him. It takes me months or years to start to trust to someone and this trust is very easy to break.

I´m very shy, introverted, cagey and reserved so it might be partly a reason why I would feel so bad about it.

Would this extend to other people talking talking about their own sex lives in which you were not a part of?

Yes, I still find it disrespectful because I just can´t understand how they could feel OK, even if they might be OK with it (or at least some of them).

I usualy don´t talk about sex with anyone but in those rare occasions when this topic was discussed my reaction was: "Don´t tell me, I don´t want to know it, it´s not my bussiness."

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