Any asexuals like me, over 60?

[daveb]

Only speaking for myself, but as a shy awkward person who never dated much and never got into a long term relationship until I was much older (late 40s) I don't think knowing about asexuality in my teens or 20s would have made much difference for me. Maybe I would have had a bit more self-confidence?

 

But I could see how it could have made a bigger difference for people who dated, got into long term relationships and even married.

[AllThisTime]

Boy, if you're worried about traffic, people, you'd better step back onto the sidewalk!

 

In answer to your question, @jay williams, about what difference it would have made for me had I known about asexuality when I was younger, here is a rambling flow of thoughts to start with: 

 

. There was zero information about sexuality, beyond the standard male / female stuff, available to me when I was a shy and self conscious teenager in the stone age (aka the 70s).  Everyone who felt even a bit different was in a closet.

. I thought my lack of response to the male attention I received meant that I just hadn't met "The One" who was somehow supposed to activate ... something ... 

. Raised in a strict home where there was never any discussion about sex (Rule #1: the more important it is, the less likely we are to discuss it), there was the assumption I would eventually meet someone, get married, and have kids.  The end. 

. The fact that I didn't feel anything that I thought I should be feeling, or that everyone else seemed to be feeling, kept me thinking that I was just too picky, or that I just hadn't found "The One".

. I became what I call a Runner. If someone got too close or I really liked them, I knew the relationship was doomed.  Because I was compelled to create distance for my survival. I didn't understand that being ace was a way to be, and that it explained so much.

 

So, that's a start! I now know why I make such a good friend - and such a bad partner. 

 

I want to hear what all of you have to say, especially if you are from the stone age too, hehe.  New to the neighbourhood (and I make cheese cake). 

 

[teatree]

1 hour ago, AllThisTime said:

There was zero information about sexuality, beyond the standard male / female stuff, available to me when I was a shy and self conscious teenager in the stone age (aka the 70s).  Everyone who felt even a bit different was in a closet.

. I thought my lack of response to the male attention I received meant that I just hadn't met "The One" who was somehow supposed to activate ... something ... 

. Raised in a strict home where there was never any discussion about sex (Rule #1: the more important it is, the less likely we are to discuss it), there was the assumption I would eventually meet someone, get married, and have kids.  The end. 

. The fact that I didn't feel anything that I thought I should be feeling, or that everyone else seemed to be feeling, kept me thinking that I was just too picky, or that I just hadn't found "The One".

. I became what I call a Runner. If someone got too close or I really liked them, I knew the relationship was doomed.  Because I was compelled to create distance for my survival. I didn't understand that being ace was a way to be, and that it explained so much.

You are spot-on to what I felt! I kept waiting for "The One"--even got married in my late 20s to someone who in retrospect was very "safe." (That lasted almost 15 years, but was a disaster.) But all through high school (and all my life, actually), I kept wondering what all the fuss regarding sex was about.... Knowing about asexuality earlier--I only discovered it 3 years ago, at age 57--I hope I would have been more confident and less willing to go along with the norm.

[Semisweet]

@AllThisTime, I too can relate to much of your “rambling flow of thoughts.” If I’d known at a much younger age, I’d have saved plenty of time I wasted on bad/pointless dates or, alternatively in a small handful of cases, making myself miserable over men I’d gone out with who I thought were “The One” but who didn’t share that feeling. In retrospect, they inadvertently did me a favor, as the relationships never got far enough to need to disentangle myself from some complicated situation.

 

Also, I would have had much more self-assured replies for those relatives (my mom in particular) who would ask what I was doing “wrong” that I was still single beyond the ungodly age of, say, 30.

[jay williams]

To all: good answers. The reason I posed my question is that I have lived an essentially asexual existence since forever, which is apparently consistent with being asexual. I too was a shy, awkward kid from high school and beyond. So getting dates were seldom to none.  Yet, I never got married, which is probably what is supposed to happen to most asexuals.  

 

I aasume it would have been helpful to me to know that I was way out there in the gray-sexual zone. But I have always sensed that I never was suited for some kind of a normal sexual relationship. I have rarely tried a "normal" relationship. So if I had known all there is to know about asexuality, I am not sure I would have experienced much different than I have. I have always known that my feelings were not like most other guys.

 

This also seems true of most everyone else here. Most everyone here also identifies with not having the same feelings as others, and at least sensed as much since childhood.   

[daveb]

Probably different for men vs women, too, especially back in the days of our youth when women were expected to marry and have kids more so than men (where being a bachelor was more acceptable for younger men (until they finished "sowing their wild oats" and finally "settled down")). I mean, women were expected to aim for marriage and kids as a primary goal, while for men it was seen more as something to be expected after having fun and then reaching a certain level of maturity. On the other hand, guys were/are expected to be more into sex and to have lots of it with multiple partners until they "settle down".

 

So, different pressures and expectations, but maybe not so different when it comes to being asexual?

[Spotastic]

From the perspective of a younger person (being 36), it would have helped with my marriage sooner, specifically my wife's self-esteem. Our marriage has always been good in most ways, but we started off having a lot of sex, but over time it's gotten down to one or two times a month. She thought that I just didn't like her anymore. I also never liked kissing so much and penetrative sex is, from my perspective, "too stimulating to the point it becomes painful". We have had to adapt more and more, but it wasn't until we first found out about asexuality 5 years ago, and then found out about me being autistic (the possibility at that point) to explain the overstimulation part. 

 

Overall, it seems like it has had a fairly minor impact on me, but I know it has been more significant than that. It gives me a community to be involved in. It made me realize I wasn't as straight as I thought I was (I like female-bodied persons). It has become a part of my identity that I didn't have anything like before.

[Rockblossom]

On 12/8/2018 at 4:55 PM, Nick2 said:

60 thread seems dead a lot.  I hang with the 50s as well.  After all, I am 50 and older.  Remember to turn out the lights before leaving this thread.  60s go to bed early.

It seems like every time someone posts in this thread they are told: "Don't post here.  Go to the over-50s thread!" 

 I, for one, do not want to go hang out with the whippersnappers who probably still remember what color their hair was before it went grey.  Or before it went.  Or (the horror!) might still have hair with natural color!  Those kids are just tiresome.

 

It's like AVEN set up a nice little room with chess boards, TVs, lounge chairs, and footstools with a sign on the door that says: Senior Lounge, but as soon as someone shuffles in, the staff intercepts them and says:  "Oh, don't bother with this place!  No one ever comes here because it is just too quiet.   Go across the hall to the other lounge!" 

 

Hmmph!  Well, I'm staying here.  I like the quiet.  Wake me up if you wander in and want to chat.

 

Note:  I was just getting ready to post this 2 months ago when there was a glitch,  AVEN went offline, and I lost the post.   I have no idea why, 2 months later, it magically popped up while I was getting ready to post something else entirely.  The ways of AVEN are truly deep and mysterious.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Rockblossom
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[Rockblossom]

Even though I didn't have the words for it, I knew that I was aromantic and asexual since my years were in single digits.  Of course, it was pointless to say so, because it just got the:  "You will change your mind when you are older!"  talk.   I didn't change, and people were still trying to tell me I would feel different when I met "The One" - even when I was in my 40s!   Not so much now, in my late 60s.  Not that people finally accepted that I was aroace.  Mostly, I've just outlived them.  

[Tunhope]

A lot of the same names crop up, @Rockblossom. I've just been reading Daveb's

 and Spotastics ' posts on the 50 s thread.

[AllThisTime]

2 hours ago, Rockblossom said:

Mostly, I've just outlived them. 

oh that's hilarious! I plan to outlive them all ... I'm just relieved that I don't have to explain this to anyone anymore. But now that I've finally figured it out, I can finally talk about it.  It all makes sense.  Being the kind of person who has to analyze things (to death, I've been told) it is comforting. I've survived "all of that".  It surprises me though that the person who is most interested and willing to talk about this is my 28 year old son.  

[Nick2]

5 hours ago, Rockblossom said:

It seems like every time someone posts in this thread they are told: "Don't post here.  Go to the over-50s thread!" 

 I, for one, do not want to go hang out with the whippersnappers who probably still remember what color their hair was before it went grey.  Or before it went.  Or (the horror!) might still have hair with natural color!  Those kids are just tiresome.

 

It's like AVEN set up a nice little room with chess boards, TVs, lounge chairs, and footstools with a sign on the door that says: Senior Lounge, but as soon as someone shuffles in, the staff intercepts them and says:  "Oh, don't bother with this place!  No one ever comes here because it is just too quiet.   Go across the hall to the other lounge!" 

 

Hmmph!  Well, I'm staying here.  I like the quiet.  Wake me up if you wander in and want to chat.

 

Note:  I was just getting ready to post this 2 months ago when there was a glitch,  AVEN went offline, and I lost the post.   I have no idea why, 2 months later, it magically popped up while I was getting ready to post something else entirely.  The ways of AVEN are truly deep and mysterious.

It moves in mysterious ways.

[AllThisTime]

On 2/12/2019 at 10:06 PM, Semisweet said:

men I’d gone out with who I thought were “The One” but who didn’t share that feeling

@Semisweet, when I read this observation a stream of scenarios from my past flashed before my eyes. yup, been there. aargh 

Luckily, I think I've fared better now that I can see that wreckage in the rear view mirror.

 

On 2/13/2019 at 9:17 AM, jay williams said:

Most everyone here also identifies with not having the same feelings as others

@jay williams I truly feel that I have actually come home since I found AVEN. I am relieved that I can write about stuff that I have been carrying around with me (hand me that big bag, will you?) and that my feelings are the same. But with so many amazing variations, its amazing to me. I have always sensed something about myself in relation to others; I'm looking forward to being able to explore more in a welcoming and supportive community. 

 

Now... time to move a cat and get some zzzz s

[Cammino]

Oups, already replied to the 50+ topic, but yes, also soon 60+

[Spotastic]

1 hour ago, Cammino said:

Oups, already replied to the 50+ topic, but yes, also soon 60+

There's no reason you can't comment in both. 😁 I'm only 36 and comment in all of the age threads at times.

[Cammino]

11 minutes ago, Spotastic said:

There's no reason you can't comment in both. 😁 I'm only 36 and comment in all of the age threads at times.

Perfect, to be honest, I have a lot of lovely younger people around me in real life. 🙂

[daveb]

Welcome here, too!  

[Nick2]

18 hours ago, AllThisTime said:

@Semisweet, when I read this observation a stream of scenarios from my past flashed before my eyes. yup, been there. aargh 

Luckily, I think I've fared better now that I can see that wreckage in the rear view mirror.

 

@jay williams I truly feel that I have actually come home since I found AVEN. I am relieved that I can write about stuff that I have been carrying around with me (hand me that big bag, will you?) and that my feelings are the same. But with so many amazing variations, its amazing to me. I have always sensed something about myself in relation to others; I'm looking forward to being able to explore more in a welcoming and supportive community. 

 

Now... time to move a cat and get some zzzz s

Does the cat move easily?

[AllThisTime]

14 hours ago, Nick2 said:

Does the cat move easily?

ha, yes. Rearranging cats can be like moving pillows. Easy to redecorate! Mind you, they look at me as if I am part of the furniture to be decorated, but I digress ... 

[Skycaptain]

Cats move easily, but they move back just as easily. If you're where they want to be they'll sit on your head or wherever instead 

[daveb]

They can also adjust their gravity - look at how they can almost float up to high places or weigh you down when sitting in your lap.  

[AllThisTime]

43 minutes ago, daveb said:

float up to high places

One of my cats is named LaraCroft for a reason... 

[Nick2]

As much as I like floating cats as much as  the next guy, I am going to float out another topic of discussion.  I have been wondering if asexuality can possibly be genetic.  I think all of us can remember family history where there was a great aunt or uncle who never got married.  Perhaps some were gay.  That is probably what the hush hush family rumors were but some could have been asexual as well.  Just wondering if there ia a family history of asexuality or not.  I am sure many married because that is what you did.

[daveb]

1 hour ago, Nick2 said:

family history

Not so much in my family, as far as I'm aware. Never knew of anyone who was gay either. That doesn't mean no one was, but I think I would have at least some suspicion, and possibly outright confirmation, in the case of my generation and the younger generation. As for my parents, my mom was an only child and my dad had one sister who married and had kids, too. So not many data points there. The only possibility I know of is one maiden great aunt (grandfather's sister), although she was practically a nun (they were Catholic, so I mean that in a religious sense rather than a sexual one), but she was pretty old when I knew her so maybe she was more active when she was younger.

[Spotastic]

I think that would be hard to verify simply because there still isn't that much education about asexuality, so if someone was, they might not have even known about it. I'm not real close with most of my extended family, and sexuality isn't something I would have discussed anyway, even with cousins my age. It's just never been a topic I thought much about. Sometimes I see the 'A' in asexual as being apathetic for me. My parents are definitely not, and considering there are 15 kids on one side and 37 on the other, I highly doubt asexuality from my grandparents, who all died when I was young. There is also a high level of Christianity on both sides of the family, especially Catholicism, so I'm sure procreation has been seen as "the thing that you do" for most.

[Nick2]

Well, they had to be out there in the past.

[Skycaptain]

A low level of sexuality may be genetic. Especially comorbid with autism. I can look at the familial line on my mother's side, and for three generations nobody has had more than three sexual partners in their life. Granted, different moral standards in days of yore may also play a part. 

However, it's highly unlikely that asexuality is genetic. Same as any variation (other than bisexuality) as reproduction is not going to happen, continuing the genetic line won't happen. 

[daveb]

1 hour ago, Nick2 said:

Well, they had to be out there in the past.

Seems likely, but difficult to prove.  

[Tyke]

It wouldn't surprise me if my mother was asexual. Can't ask her now. And even when alive it's not a conversation she would have welcomed

[Muledeer]

1 hour ago, Midland Tyke said:

It wouldn't surprise me if my mother was asexual. Can't ask her now. And even when alive it's not a conversation she would have welcomed

I suspect my mother was asexual or at least apathetic to sex.  One time she recounted how my dad became impotent after a severe case of the Hong Kong Flu in 1967, for the rest of his life.  She said it really bothered him, but "it didn't really matter to me because I didn't care about sex anyway".  And she never pursued another romantic or sexual relationship after he died.  My two siblings and I were each born ten years apart.