Any asexuals like me, over 60?

[Guest]

On 8/5/2019 at 3:08 PM, 2olives said:

I don't post very often, but am so glad you are all here.  Have been alone and lonely for a very long time.  Just need a virtual connection right now.  Recently lost my 97 year old mother and am feeling quite lost and un-needed.  I am 67 and live in a pretty conservative small town.  Up until 5 years ago, I thought I was defective.  Came to find out I am not!  I have peeps!  Will never meet any of you, but I know you are out there.  I still am confused by the lingo and labels.  What I know to be true is that I have been married 4 times, all before I was 30.  Never liked the sex, but suffered in silence.  I will not ramble on and on.  I just want you all to know how grateful I am to have this safe place to go, when I need it.  And honestly...my favorite food is cake. And I am who I am supposed to be.

I have always said that there are women who are out there that don't enjoy sex but keep it quiet. You are not alone. Women, you don't owe anyone male or female, sex.

[AllThisTime]

On 8/12/2019 at 5:01 PM, Nick2 said:

I was thinking we could start out with a panty raid.  But with a bunch of asexuals what is the point?

hahahahaha!

thanks I needed that ...

[Autumn Sunrise]

On 13 August 2019 at 4:23 AM, daveb said:

I passed 60 a couple of years ago, but the 50s thread is still my home room.  

Ditto, but I'm over 70  However I do agree with @Kazbe - it is hard to keep up with all the posts on the "50's"!

[Redgirl]

Hi all new to here. I am 63 and just trying to figure out what is going on with me.

I mean, how long am I expected to be the "good wife" and have off the chains sex?

I am tired of it and want to stop but my husband thinks I should be wild and crazy.

What is expected of me? Isn't it normal to have decreased sex drive as you age? Help! I'm so done with sex!

[daveb]

Just now, Redgirl said:

Hi all new to here

Welcome and  !

 

Sorry, I have no good answers, never having been a married woman. 

[Sally]

3 hours ago, Redgirl said:

Hi all new to here. I am 63 and just trying to figure out what is going on with me.

I mean, how long am I expected to be the "good wife" and have off the chains sex?

I am tired of it and want to stop but my husband thinks I should be wild and crazy.

What is expected of me? Isn't it normal to have decreased sex drive as you age? Help! I'm so done with sex!

The h*ll with what is expected of you, and what your husband thinks.  Stop!  Tell your husband that if he wants to try to find another 63-year-old who's wild and crazy with sex, he's welcome to try.   I doubt if he'd have any success.  Or since he's probably at least as old as you are, I doubt if he'd have any success finding a younger woman.    

[Skycaptain]

@Redgirl welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[janel]

I am 72! I just figured it out recently, but have been calling my self asexual for years not knowing it was a thing. 

[janel]

I don’t seem to be able to reply to individual posts. What does quote do/mean? I’m an active healthy 72 year old. I’d love to find someone of any age in reno nv USA 

[will123]

38 minutes ago, janel said:

I am 72! I just figured it out recently, but have been calling my self asexual for years not knowing it was a thing. 

Welcome to AVEN  

 

I'm not sure what to say, but that must of been difficult to not know 'for sure' your identity. I identified as asexual when I was 44. I wish I had known much sooner...

[Skycaptain]

@janel, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[teatree]

On 8/16/2019 at 11:19 PM, Redgirl said:

I mean, how long am I expected to be the "good wife" and have off the chains sex?

Ew, sorry, that made me shudder. For me, age had nothing to do with my sex drive--I'm 61 and NEVER liked/wanted sex but only discovered asexuality a few years ago. Was married for almost 15 years but have been divorced for 18. No desire for intimacy. 

[daveb]

13 hours ago, janel said:

I don’t seem to be able to reply to individual posts. What does quote do/mean?

Yeah, you can't reply to individual posts per se. Posts just get entered as they come in, one after the other. Quote puts an inline quote of the post you quote. If you highlight part of a post it will quote just the highlighted part. Otherwise it quotes the whole post (minus other quotes within the quoted post). People often use that to show what they are replying to.

 

Welcome and  !

[witchlin]

On 8/13/2019 at 9:17 PM, sallimae76 said:

I have always said that there are women who are out there that don't enjoy sex but keep it quiet. You are not alone. Women, you don't owe anyone male or female, sex.

I am 60 plus a month or so, so I am in my 61st so I think I can be here. I have also been married 4 times though I referred to myself as asexual back in my early 20's. Most people took it as a joke though deep inside I knew its definition in the dictionary I had seems to fit who I was inside. I spent most of my life trying to conform and also thought my dark secret was that I was broken or born without something everyone else seemed to have. I faked things, I pretended things, I even made up things trying to be part of a world I thought I was suppose to be like. I even wondered if everyone was possibly making things up. I took lots of vitamins and tried hard to be healthy but I was still the same person. It took until I turned 50 to finally admit to myself that being asexual, or non-sexual as I tend to refer to myself is not a flaw and if people want to think I'm joking they can go ahead and think what they want. I came to terms with it. A funny thing happened at the same time, I stopped feeling lonely too. I mean lonely as in that wish I could find the right relationship and I need to be dating in order to find that person and settling for just about anyone so long as the rest of the world thought I was fitting in. Does that make sense? I have to say reading many peoples thingies on here sure makes me realize there is nothing abnormal about me. 

I was on an aspie forum when I happen to mention asexuality and was very surprised at how many aspies are also struggling with some kind of sexual identity crisis, that was only about 4 months ago. Since I have done some research and was shocked out of my skin practically that there are lots of others like me or someone what like me. It is very validating and gives me a sense of security as far as that part of me to know this. Sallimae, I'm not sure if it has been that way for you, I suppose it is a bit like a journey and different for all of us. But are we not all on the same road? I think I am different then some but maybe not all, I don't really get the coming out thing but I guess regardless of being on the same road we are all living different lives so it must be very important in order to move on for people. Perhaps older people don't feel the same as often? I'm not sure. I'm curious though. 

Hope you can find lots of virtual friends here Sallimae76. These days it seems to be what passes for a friendship.

[witchlin]

On 8/3/2019 at 11:41 PM, Sally said:

There are probably millions of asexuals over 60 out there in the world who don't yet know that's what they are.  And even over 50, also.  That's why I don't believe the "1-2%" figure on asexuals in the population.  We'll likely all be gone before it's determined just how common asexuality is.  (Unless we live to 95...)

Well don't count your chickens yet, my home help told me that in the nursing home she use to work in there was so much sex going on that no one could keep track of it. People were getting caught all the time trying to sneak into other peoples beds at night. It wasn't uncommon to see more than one person tip toeing down the hall late at night. Now that kind of frightened me though I didn't say so at the time. I'm not sure how common that is but I am sure I don't think I want to go to a nursing home any time soon.

[daveb]

10 hours ago, witchlin said:

Does that make sense?

Yes

For me, knowing this aspect of who I am freed me from some of the expectations I had for things like dating, sex, getting paired up, finding a relationship. I could be myself and set my own expectations rather than the ones society seems to instill in us.

[will123]

20 minutes ago, daveb said:

Yes

For me, knowing this aspect of who I am freed me from some of the expectations I had for things like dating, sex, getting paired up, finding a relationship. I could be myself and set my own expectations rather than the ones society seems to instill in us.

X2

 

@witchlin I'm on my phone right now so I'll expand on my thoughts tonight.

[Guest]

18 hours ago, witchlin said:

I am 60 plus a month or so, so I am in my 61st so I think I can be here. I have also been married 4 times though I referred to myself as asexual back in my early 20's. Most people took it as a joke though deep inside I knew its definition in the dictionary I had seems to fit who I was inside. I spent most of my life trying to conform and also thought my dark secret was that I was broken or born without something everyone else seemed to have. I faked things, I pretended things, I even made up things trying to be part of a world I thought I was suppose to be like. I even wondered if everyone was possibly making things up. I took lots of vitamins and tried hard to be healthy but I was still the same person. It took until I turned 50 to finally admit to myself that being asexual, or non-sexual as I tend to refer to myself is not a flaw and if people want to think I'm joking they can go ahead and think what they want. I came to terms with it. A funny thing happened at the same time, I stopped feeling lonely too. I mean lonely as in that wish I could find the right relationship and I need to be dating in order to find that person and settling for just about anyone so long as the rest of the world thought I was fitting in. Does that make sense? I have to say reading many peoples thingies on here sure makes me realize there is nothing abnormal about me. 

I was on an aspie forum when I happen to mention asexuality and was very surprised at how many aspies are also struggling with some kind of sexual identity crisis, that was only about 4 months ago. Since I have done some research and was shocked out of my skin practically that there are lots of others like me or someone what like me. It is very validating and gives me a sense of security as far as that part of me to know this. Sallimae, I'm not sure if it has been that way for you, I suppose it is a bit like a journey and different for all of us. But are we not all on the same road? I think I am different then some but maybe not all, I don't really get the coming out thing but I guess regardless of being on the same road we are all living different lives so it must be very important in order to move on for people. Perhaps older people don't feel the same as often? I'm not sure. I'm curious though. 

Hope you can find lots of virtual friends here Sallimae76. These days it seems to be what passes for a friendship.

Thanks for your post. The invisible man, this world's creator, wants to pose "freeing" the girls as freeing the sluts and the lesbians. The "real" girls would choose to stay virgins and take care of themselves. He doesn't want to admit it, but the real story is that I would be a fourth line concubine, forced to have sex with him and others, and get treated like shit by him and his wives. Now as an ugly woman, in the modern world, I can support myself. Although my sexuality is attacked non-stop. I don't go on this site anymore because there is too much talk of homosexuality, and I am an "asexual" not a homosexual in the closet.

[will123]

21 hours ago, witchlin said:

 A funny thing happened at the same time, I stopped feeling lonely too. I mean lonely as in that wish I could find the right relationship and I need to be dating in order to find that person and settling for just about anyone so long as the rest of the world thought I was fitting in. Does that make sense? I have to say reading many peoples thingies on here sure makes me realize there is nothing abnormal about me. 

When I found out about asexuality back in '05 (I was 44), it was such a relief for me. As I've posted before (elsewhere) I always thought I was straight but not putting much of an effort into it. I mean I had female friends and didn't want to have sex with males, so I had to be straight right? When I read the article about asexuality and checked out AVEN, everything made sense. I never felt 'different' but it was great to know that there were others like me that felt less than enthusiastic about sex.

[Benny The Jet]

Greetings fellow weirdos (I’m kidding but not sure which emoticon expressed a mix of cynicism, sarcasm, humor and was revealing as well).  I consider this first post a bit like a coming-out with a kind of a feeling of being at a twelve-step meeting.

 

I’ll be 64 in a little over two weeks, and I read a bit on the subject of asexuality after my marriage of a little over 25 years dissolved recently.  Then I discovered this forum.  I finally came to grips with the reality that I am asexual and have little interest in romance—though I always wanted to have someone to share this crazy little thing called life with.  I wanted to do things like travel, going to movies, dinner and dancing, concerts, parties, museums, picnics, etc. and exploring the city I live in as well as other parts of the country and the world as a “couple”.  Until I got married (at age 36) I rarely enjoyed much of those types of activities as I always felt weird going alone (like a fifth wheel as some say).  When that Steve Martin movie “The Lonely Guy” came out, there was a scene where he was in a restaurant dining alone and a child at a nearby table asked his parents (loudly) “Why is that man eating alone? What’s wrong with him?”  Boy did that strike a nerve with me. If I dined alone (usually only when traveling on business) I would take a prop along (like a laptop, a newspaper, a book, or a notepad) and keep my head down.  I was sad (even depressed) as I stayed home on Friday and Saturday nights, convincing myself that I was just a shy nerd and would rather read, play guitar and piano, study a foreign language or three—anything other than the silly things those couples were doing.  I wasn’t doing a very good job of convincing myself though.

 

In my teen years and a little beyond, I had “experimented” with sex.  I actually did get quite aroused just about any time I saw stockinged legs and heels or a bra showing through a sheer blouse.  But back then, my big challenge was premature ejaculation from overstimulation.  I couldn’t control myself.  Women who enjoy sex don’t like that any more than they like ED.  My libido grew weaker after those early experiences—mostly failures.  I spent probably a decade in total celibacy until I met my wife-to-be at the company I worked at.  We hit it off and started going out.  She initiated the physical intimacy, and for a brief time, we had some good (well maybe decent) sexual experiences, but the frequency kept diminishing—to once a week, once a month, and then eventually stopped.  I felt like an actor playing a role rather poorly.  She cried a bit at first and then seemed to accept it.  Over the next two decades we were a celibate couple who did lots of fun things together: traveled, and went out a lot, snuggled on the couch watching movies on tv.  But we started growing colder and more distant.  We both turned into absolute workaholics, which is how we spent our evenings—respectively at our computers working on whatever.

 

She started taking refuge in hanging out at the gym for hours after work, and running/hiking/cycling/paddling/etc. through the weekends.  We saw each other less and less (I thought it was like being a “Hollywood couple”).  We were by then sleeping in separate bedrooms.  And then she told me one evening that she had met a guy at the gym who was more on her wavelength and had been doing things with him (I understood that to mean more than just hiking and biking, etc)  and that she was going to move out.  It was a sad loss of a sort, after 25 years, to separate.  But I understood. A relationship between someone who has little-to-no interest in sex or even romance, but still wants to be best friends and soulmates, is just unsustainable unless both partners have the same inclinations.  I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I feel better not feeling like I have some medical or mental disease.  I don’t feel like an oddball or freak so much.  We are just wired this way and have to deal with it as best we can.

 

So in conclusion:  Hello everyone. My name is Benny and I’m an asexual.

 

 

Edited September 3, 2019 by Benny The Jet

[daveb]

Welcome, @yyy and @Benny The Jet! Here's some  

[will123]

Welcome to AVEN @Benny The Jet 

[daveb]

1 hour ago, yyy said:

I have been a member of AVEN for years

Well so you have.

 

1 hour ago, yyy said:

but I have never been 59 before, but I will soon find out. 

It's pretty easy.  

 

(it was one of my best years so far)  

[AllThisTime]

On 8/31/2019 at 4:41 PM, daveb said:

Welcome, @yyy and @Benny The Jet! Here's some  

Pleased to meet you, and welcome.  Glad you found us!

[Canine friend]

Hi I'm 63 and was always made to feel that I was just a frigid freak. I now know I am asexual but enjoy people and companionship. I got married because I felt I had to conform. I always hated sex but felt it was compulsory. It is wonderful to know that there are other people that feel the same and to be truthful a relief to know Im not alone. I don't think many people our age even know about being asexual I know it's a very recent thing for me. I'm happy to talk to people of any age but thought I'd make these first tentative steps with people closer to my own generation

[will123]

35 minutes ago, Canine friend said:

Hi I'm 63 and was always made to feel that I was just a frigid freak. I now know I am asexual but enjoy people and companionship. I got married because I felt I had to conform. I always hated sex but felt it was compulsory. It is wonderful to know that there are other people that feel the same and to be truthful a relief to know Im not alone. I don't think many people our age even know about being asexual I know it's a very recent thing for me. I'm happy to talk to people of any age but thought I'd make these first tentative steps with people closer to my own generation

Welcome to AVEN   !

 

I'm almost 58 and found out/identified as asexual when I was 44. All but one of the half dozen or so people that I've come out to are my age. None of them were aware of asexuality before I told them. The younger girl in her 20s grew up in a rural setting hadnt heard of it either. Mind you she's contently hetero' (my description of her) so I doubt she did much research on sexuality.

 

Do you have a dog (your screen name)? I grew up with and still like beagles.

[Canine friend]

Hi Will123 yes I do have dogs always loved them they totally commit to you without wanting sex!!! I've got a terrier and a spaniel 

[daveb]

Welcome and  , @Canine friend!

[Mocha Jo]

Thought i’d Stop on here and say hi- I usually try to keep up with the younger set over at the over 50 thread but it moves fast there! Welcome to everyone who are newly discovering themselves. We aren’t weird!

[will123]

43 minutes ago, Mocha Jo said:

Thought i’d Stop on here and say hi- I usually try to keep up with the younger set over at the over 50 thread but it moves fast there! Welcome to everyone who are newly discovering themselves. We aren’t weird!

LOL on the first bold

 

On the second part, I hope folks aren't upset that it has taken so long in their life to find out about asexuality. In my case it was a real relief to know that there was a reason I never had much interest in sex. I was 44 when I found out and identified as asexual. I wish I had known sooner...