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Sex addict to asexual and our relationship...


aggie04

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Does he smoke a lot, cigarettes or pot? Alcohol? Or has he in the past? That could be related...

'Depressed off and on' + promiscuity = sounds like bipolar a bit? (not sure if you can be both bipolar + have schizophrenia, someone we know has been first diagnosed as 'schizophrenic' and then as 'bipolar' so hmm?)

Junk food - depends what kind... He might be lacking some minerals and vitamins... You might wanna track his nutrition on eg fitday.com for a bit and see what it says?

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Does he smoke a lot, cigarettes or pot? Alcohol? Or has he in the past? That could be related...

'Depressed off and on' + promiscuity = sounds like bipolar a bit? (not sure if you can be both bipolar + have schizophrenia, someone we know has been first diagnosed as 'schizophrenic' and then as 'bipolar' so hmm?)

Junk food - depends what kind... He might be lacking some minerals and vitamins... You might wanna track his nutrition on eg fitday.com for a bit and see what it says?

He used to smoke cigarettes a lot, but quit. He started smoking pot when he no longer had insurance and couldn't get anti-depressants and to call the symptoms he had with schizophrenia (the doc believes he has had this since he was a child).

And junk food wise: chips, candy, soda, and ramen. He doesn't eat a lot of greens although he will eat broccoli if I put it on his plate or if its raw. He prefers soda, juice, or tea to water. He doesn't eat a lot, but when he eats its usually bad for him. He only eats a real meal once or twice a day. He also is very selective with meat (nothing on a bone) and very little grilled it is usually fried. I think the pickness for food comes from growing up in the foster system and being told what to eat. Now he only eats things that taste good.

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  • 2 weeks later...

He used to smoke cigarettes a lot, but quit. He started smoking pot when he no longer had insurance and couldn't get anti-depressants and to call the symptoms he had with schizophrenia (the doc believes he has had this since he was a child).

Smoking can be a factor, not sure if it can still be relevant now that he's quit. How long ago has he quit?

Pot can actually CAUSE schizophrenia/psychosis (!!) so I hope he's staying away from it now!!

And junk food wise: chips, candy, soda, and ramen.

Yikes, this isn't very good. Candy/sugar can deplete minerals/vitamins even further, so can soda pop (like Cocoa Cola and Sprite etc). Can you get him to at least stay away from those, or minimize?

Could he maybe at least substitue candy with eg dried or fresh fruit or such?

If he might have candida or such, he'd be better off without sweet fruit too, ideally meals would be frequent enough that blood sugar would be 'stable' and wouldn't fall... veggies & wholewheat grains and protein would be better as 'mood stabilizers'...

Ramen = wheat, I suppose? Some people with schizophrenia have improved when staying away from wheat. It's not so easy to live gluten-free, ideally this would be done with knowledge and help of a doctor... Can you at least get him to eat some rice or other such things? There are lots of gluten-free recipes online, some are quite good too!!

He doesn't eat a lot of greens although he will eat broccoli if I put it on his plate or if its raw.
Okay, broccoli is good and healthy, anti-cancer too. Can you get him to eat other veggies if you 'hide' them? There are even cookbooks on how to hide veggies into other foods...
He prefers soda, juice, or tea to water.

Tea, if herbal tea, would be best then.

Juice, if orange juice, can have iffy things in it (pesticides etc) and some juices have a lot of sugar or artificial additives, so check labels... Not sure how well off you are financially? Herbal tea could probably be cheapest of them all... (You could even grow or pick herbs yourself...?)

He doesn't eat a lot, but when he eats its usually bad for him. He only eats a real meal once or twice a day.

With a meal only once a day he's risking diabetes. Seriously.

Is it a problem to prepare a meal or what? Maybe you can make some ready-made meals or have leftovers for him to eat? Does he play video games and forgets to eat? (I can forget to eat when behind computer or a good book too...) Maybe you can remind him?

Try to figure out together how he could eat more frequently, at least 3-5 times a day... This is for general health, and it will likely improve his mood and other things too!!

He also is very selective with meat (nothing on a bone) and very little grilled it is usually fried.

How much meat does he eat per week then? Or only a few times a month? (When I was semi-vegetarian I only ate it very rarely.) Is it fried in breadcrumbs or just by itself?

I think the pickness for food comes from growing up in the foster system and being told what to eat. Now he only eats things that taste good.

Well, we all like to eat things that taste good (at least I do). Maybe you can figure out some new foods to add into the weekly routine? Can you both learn to cook some good things or get food from someone who cooks well? Does he cook or would he be willing to try/learn?

A friend of mine said back in the States she and bf would only microwave things and didn't really cook, I think it's important to eat 'real food' though!! And to learn to cook from scratch, even if you make ready-made meals and put in freezer to unthaw etc. And it could even be a fun activity to bond you, a couple I knew really enjoyed cooking together etc.

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We aren't that well off financially and I do try and to cook, but he will eat around it. I even try and make things like salmon but mixed with bread crumbs and in a patty or something. He hates leftovers and will not reheat things. He doesn't cook at all and I have trouble cooking for just two so I cook and then eat leftovers, which he wont.

We talked more about his sexuality today and he has confused me further.

He says he likes sex as long as it is with a lot of different people and not the same person. Once he has sex with them they are no longer appealing. So he is not attracted to me anymore and sex is mechanical. But he says sex is still gross and he wish he had never started having it. O.o

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We aren't that well off financially and I do try and to cook, but he will eat around it. I even try and make things like salmon but mixed with bread crumbs and in a patty or something. He hates leftovers and will not reheat things. He doesn't cook at all and I have trouble cooking for just two so I cook and then eat leftovers, which he wont.

We talked more about his sexuality today and he has confused me further.

He says he likes sex as long as it is with a lot of different people and not the same person. Once he has sex with them they are no longer appealing. So he is not attracted to me anymore and sex is mechanical. But he says sex is still gross and he wish he had never started having it. O.o

I would like to second the advice of several people above and recommend you both see a relationship therapist or counselor.

Has he explained why he is still with you, even if he is "not attracted anymore and sex is mechanical"? That to me raises quite a few warning flags.

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He says he loves me. He says I am a one of the best people he has ever met and I make him feel loved and respected, because I am loyal and thoughtful. He thinks I am beautiful and intelligent. He says the same thing happened even before he married his ex-wife, but he loved her as well and it was only her cheating that led him to leave her. I can see how anyone woman who is with him might cheat. He gets over the excitement of sex with someone new very quickly and then is turned off by the fluids and loses all attraction for the person so there is no sex. He says the thrill of sex with a stranger or new person is the only reason he likes it and that sex is still gross. I think he has intimacy issues and due to his schizophrenia can't emotional bond or connection with his sexual partner, something he might feel at first, but is quickly gone once they become too familiar.

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There seems to be some sort of discrepancy here. If he really honestly thinks that "sex is gross" he wouldn't be having multiple one night stands, despite the "thrill" of sleeping with a new person.

Do his actions tell you that he loves you as well as his words? It is possible that he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear, he could be scared to break up with you, since it seems he's very dependent on you in his life. From what you are telling us, it seems that everything he's told you is somewhat double sided, and I would like to mention that people above have suggested he may also be bi-polar. Just because he is schizophrenic doesn't mean that he can't be affected by more than one thing.

Bottom line is that it sounds like he needs to go see a therapist, and you BOTH need to go see a relationship counselor to work out your difficulties. Best of luck!

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Actually on our last visit (this past week) to his Psychiatrist she said that she believes that he is also bipolar in addition to his schizophrenia. So yes he is and recently he started meds for it. I want him to see a sex therapist and a counselor as a couple but he says he is fine with how he views sex.

Thinking sex is gross and still having lots of one-night stands is possible. After all he still has urges and masturbates so the thrill of a new random partner outweighs the gross to him. He has not thought it so gross that is refuses to have it.= completely, but prefers not to have it frequently. I guess when he is revved up on adrenaline and satisfying his urges without intimacy and having to think about sex it works for him. Once the thrill is gone from a new partner he says its mechanical and then he just thinks about it too much.

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Is he aware that you are discussing him here, Aggie? I ask because you aren't really talking about yourself, only about him, and yet he's not here. Is this whole relationship about him, and not about you?

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Aggie, have you ever considered seeing a therapist yourself to help you understand how and why you got yourself into this situation in the first place? In all sincerity, I would question the doctor who wants to put a bandaid on a paper cut, while recognizing but otherwise ignoring the patient's broken leg. What is your real motivation behind all of this?

Lucinda

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No he does not know I am talking about him here, but I have been in lots of other relationships and he is very unusual comparatively. He doesn't see what is going on as a problem, but he also didn't see a problem when he was yelling and threatening to rip my throat out or arguing that certain things happened that didn't. So I did the research and educated myself as well as talked to a lot of people, on boards similar to this one and that is how I learned he might have a mental illness. Then I got him involved with the research hospital here where they did extensive tests (MRIs, Memory, blood work, and several long psychological evals.) and he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Then we got 4 second opinions and all come up with the same result. Now he is in treatment, but if he knew I had been researching he would have flipped and said I was just trying to control him, which isn't unusual for a paranoid schizophrenic to think about ANYONE.

And yes I have been in therapy for over a year. My therapist has met him and she definitely thinks he needs further counseling and that I am very stable considering his verbal and on the rare occasion (before he was getting help) physical abuse. We have a plan in place in case of emergencies and I am learning ways to help when he has a psychotic episode and we often discuss my dissatisfaction with our sex life and how he confuses me with his salacious past. My therapist is working to get us a sex counselor who can deal with a patient who is also a bi-polar paranoid schizophrenic. But it is very delicate. I don't want to make him feel enraged or betrayed so its going to be something he and I "decide" together, because if its all MY idea he just won't try.

I know we are both in this relationship, but he is the one with the mental illnesses and image issues and horrible hatred of life. He receives very little joy because he sees life as pointless.

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He may not have chosen his mental illnesses, but you are choosing to be in a relationship with a person you describe as having a horrible hatred of life, who finds very little joy in living because he views life as pointless, who doesn't work, doesn't cook for himself, and has been verbally and physically abusive towards you.

Will you explain why this relationship is superior to your past relationships?

Lucinda

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He doesn't see what is going on as a problem, but he also didn't see a problem when he was yelling and threatening to rip my throat out or arguing that certain things happened that didn't. So I did the research and educated myself as well as talked to a lot of people

Oh good lord. Someone threatens to rip your throat out and you did the research and educated yourself.

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He can't work...he has in the past and we hope he will again in the future once he is in stable treatment. He can be really loving and amazing a lot of the time, but too much socializing, even with the same person, can overload him. He tries and works to control his problems. He used to self-medicate with pot and did that for over a year so we didn't realize his problems were that severe, we just thought he was moody at times. Then he wanted to stop smoking completely and did. That is when we noticed the symptoms. From speaking with his parents and his earlier therapists (from childhood and teens) it was obvious he had something more than depression as a child and they recommended getting him to a professional, also because his biological mother is a schizophrenic.

When he got physical I got out of the place and he knows the rule now....treatment or I bail. He was on a WONDERFUL anti-psychotic that made him practically joyful and so enthralled with life, but it was doing major kidney damage and he was in pain so after two months he stopped. He is willing work and try new treatments, including electroshock therapy, which is what is next in combo with his new anti-psychotic. He doesn't want to be a violent person and he doesn't want to go back to being a man whore for a thrill. He loves me and wants to be with me, but he struggles everyday.

Yes I chose to be with him, but I was with him over a year and knew him for 2 years before he was ever diagnosed and you don't just bail on people when times get rough. My grandfather was a violent alcoholic and my grandmother wasn't going to leave him...she literally held a shotgun to him when he came home drunk and she said he either quit and got help or it ends then and there...he got help.

Everyone has problems, hell I was just recently diagnosed with MS and my boyfriend has been invaluable to me. He reminds me to take my injections and even trained how to do them just in case I have an episode where I can't (mine you can't really notice, I get dizzy and a little weak at times, but nothing major in almost 6 years). He is there for me. When I had a spinal tap he didn't let me leave the bed for a week except to go to the bathroom and shower...lots of microwaved soup and sandwiches then..lol.

I had miscarried a child with my ex the year before we got together and on what would have been my first mother's day he walked to the store and bought me a dozen pink roses and a box of oreos...and yes he used his own money. He came to this relationship with some money and a lot of DVDs and video games, which he has sold off to either buy me things or if I was stressed about money. He also takes care of the house.....trash, dishes, vacuuming. He is like a house husband. I don't mind being the breadwinner...my Dad was for years while my mom was pregnant and my mom was while my dad went to college when I was young.

He is a good, intelligent, and thoughtful man which considering his mental illness is extremely normal for someone with the severity of his symptoms. All the doctors are amazed how much control he exerts.

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