Sex addict to asexual and our relationship...

[aggie04]

So my boyfriend of a year and half seems to be disgusted by sex these days. Before we met he was a self proclaimed sex addicted. Living with one girl and sleeping with a does or so more. His number is probably close to 100, but he doesn't want to share it with me, because he says he is ashamed.

He never used protection with any of these girls and pretty trusted they were clean and on the pill. He did get treated for chlamydia a time or two, but he's constantly tested positive since we have been together. We live together and he refuses to go out without me because he doesn't want to fall back in the cheating and one night stand ways.

The first time we hung out he was trying to sleep with me and it didn't happen for awhile.

He says the idea of sex is grow. He thinks oral (receiving or giving) are gross and germy with all those slimy fluids, but then he says if he could go out and have one night stands and not be in a relationship he would but no matter who he is in a relationship with he wouldn't want sex. But then he also says the idea of sex with anyone is gross to him, but there is a thrill in one night stands. So I just don't know. He masturbates a lot and his ex-wife said that he always preferred masturbation to actual sex.

He thinks he has gone from sex addict to asexual, but I don't know. The guy used to exchange nude photos with chicks and pictures of himself masturbating or videos. He also looks at porn when he masturbates. But he also says he is not into physical beauty and that sometimes he wishes he were with a guy but didn't have to have sex.

I would say he is afraid of intimacy, but intimacy doesn't have to mean sex.

This kills me because I am 29 and I only have sex for the first time when I was 25, I was waiting til marriage, and then I slept with my long time boyfriend. Since I have slept with a total of 4 people a number that disgusts me, but I still love sex and with him its the best because I love him so much. We live together btw.

I get depressed because I have to ask for sex and then its like a chore unless he feels guilty and then he initiates it. I just don't know. We are still in our 20s and I want passion and sex with the man I adore and love. Once a month is not enough. He may have been having sex since he was 17 and had tons of partners and tons of sex outside, inside, in public, or whatever, but I have been a good girl and I want sex. He has at times told me to get a new boyfriend or a lover when he is mad, but I don't want that it would be hollow and I would hate myself. He is the only one I want, but its not enough.

Plus sometimes when we have sex he laughs at the noises I make or just mocks me for telling him what I want. For him sex instantly starts with his hand between my legals, but I want to kiss and be touch softly on my upper half too. He even seems to hate me kissing his neck and laughs saying its weird and if I even touch his nipples he gets all weird.

I just don't know what to do.

Oh and he is a newly diagnosed schizophrenic, but he is seeing a doc and on meds.

[BadKarma]

Dear aggie:

Your boyfriend seems, well, kinda insane. I'm looking at this as if he is bipolar and a bit of an asshat.

I mean, it's possible that he has had so many sexual partners that something's snapped in his brain and he has become anti-sexual, but I'll be blunt: he seems more to me like an idiot. Can you confirm that he's had these partners of his, or are you relying on his claims entirely? His refusal to engage could be because he's actually a compulsive liar.

Or, as you said, he's afraid of commitment, but that doesn't seem likely for a man in a year-and-a-half-long relationship. Barney Stinson is a sex fiend with commitment issues: the fact that this guy has been with you for almost two years suggests that he's anything BUT that. Your relationship doesn't seem very healthy to me, honestly: consider finding someone who isn't a loon...

On a side note, I really must commend you on writing some unintentionally hilarious phrases, including but not limited to:

"...I have been a good girl and I want sex."

"For him sex instantly starts with his hand between my legals..."

"...idea of sex is grow."

The man doesn't sound asexual to me, but he does seem a bit psychopathic. Has he been checked for bipolar disorder?

[PiF]

He thinks he has gone from sex addict to asexual,

if you check the definition of asexual i think you'll see he just maybe..talking bolloxs

aggie thanks for popping in

can i ask ..how is your relationship otherwise?

I ask and please forgive me it's not meant to offend..given he was highly sexual and with loads of partners do you think it is possible that he has just gone off you as a long term partner and so is trying to push you away by coming up with alot of exscuses?

some people who have had that ability to hump without the ability to love do find it difficult to settle long term with just one person and so push that person away so as to resume the single multi shag lifestyle

[Idraena]

Are you sure he's actually had these partners? I mean ... it seems kind of like he's afraid of sex but doesn't want to let you know that. Or something.

Also, I agree with Karma about the unintentionally hilarious phrases!

[aggie04]

Sorry for the mistypes, but I didn't proof before I posted because he walked in the room and I don't want him to become paranoid.

I know for a fact he has had these partners, because he had told me about some but was vague because he said he was ashamed, but then his ex-wife started a huge online hate crusade against him and all these girls he "cheated" on her with and each other came out of the wood work. They all said how they had sex a few times and then he bolted and that sex was lame, except oral. Now I say cheated in quotes because she herself admitted that she got pregnant by one of the guys in her army outfit in Iraq while they were married and she had cheated all the time and told him he didn't have to wait for her to come back as long as he stayed clean.

I don't think its me, although I have wondered, but he seems to freak out if he has sex with the same girl more than a few times.

Also he is schizophrenic not bipolar.

He says he has no sex drive and that a lot of his previously sex involved sleeping with someone for a place to live after he left his wife when he caught her cheating in their home. He has also said he was always trying for a connection, but he never got one. He is very private and its taken him a long time to open up. I am the girl he has been with the longest. Even his ex-wife was on and off with them both cheating. He has never cheated on me and I know this because he never leaves our home without me and he no longer works so he can't be having an affair at work. I also have an odd schedule so I come home at random times during the day so I would have caught him if he were lying about that. He says he wants to be different with me because he loves me and he doesn't want to screw things up because I am such a good person and I care so much for him, something he has never had.

Long story short...complicated background...biomom was a teen when she had him and she was also schizophrenic. Her bf (not his father, but denied him) was abusive so his uncle adopted him and he started acting out at 5 so he was in and out of psychological programs for depression. He stabilized with meds and joined the marines, got hurt and worked on and off again jobs, but really struggled and is now here with me.

Sometimes I think part of his issues with sex are: he got an std from that lifestyle and he is scared, he has mother issues which he tries to replace with women, he is ashamed of his past so now he is doing the complete opposite, because he is afraid he can't stay loyal otherwise, and he is afraid of intimacy.

So is it possible to go from being a sex addict to asexual?

[whitelime]

Your bf is absolutely not asexual (by AVEN's definition) he may have become sex repulsed because he has been promiscuous with lots of girls but he is not asexual

[PiF]

So is it possible to go from being a sex addict to asexual?

it maybe possible..everything is possible

however there is a difference between being an asexual and changing into one..it's not an inny outy club..although sometimes in here you would think so

i suspect whatever has caused your b/f to treat you differently it has very little to do with asexuality

[Pandoren]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

[aggie04]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

I hope I didn't offend anyone with that question and my lack of understanding. I know how upsetting it can be to just have some one make blanket statements like its something you chose to do or chose not to do. I am sorry if I was insensitive.

So I am also guessing sexual therapy would be out if he were indeed asexual, but since he was sexual before we could try right?

I have mentioned this to him in the past and he has said why he is happy without sex and it doesn't mean anything to him. Although I sometimes question if he was every sexual or felt social pressure or mental pressure about sex to feel like a man or try and find love because he tells me he has never liked sex and always thought it was disgusting and mechanical and that he has never gotten anything out of it. So I don't know.

I think he needs a sex therapist.

Thoughts?

[Sally]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

I hope I didn't offend anyone with that question and my lack of understanding. I know how upsetting it can be to just have some one make blanket statements like its something you chose to do or chose not to do. I am sorry if I was insensitive.

So I am also guessing sexual therapy would be out if he were indeed asexual, but since he was sexual before we could try right?

I have mentioned this to him in the past and he has said why he is happy without sex and it doesn't mean anything to him. Although I sometimes question if he was every sexual or felt social pressure or mental pressure about sex to feel like a man or try and find love because he tells me he has never liked sex and always thought it was disgusting and mechanical and that he has never gotten anything out of it. So I don't know.

I think he needs a sex therapist.

Thoughts?

I think you need to let him decide what he needs and what he doesn't need. It's not up to you to decide that he should like something that he's made plain that he doesn't like. He's told you he never got anything out of sex and is happy without it; what about that don't you understand?

Sorry to be rather abrupt, but it doesn't seem like you are really listening to him.

[aggie04]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

I hope I didn't offend anyone with that question and my lack of understanding. I know how upsetting it can be to just have some one make blanket statements like its something you chose to do or chose not to do. I am sorry if I was insensitive.

So I am also guessing sexual therapy would be out if he were indeed asexual, but since he was sexual before we could try right?

I have mentioned this to him in the past and he has said why he is happy without sex and it doesn't mean anything to him. Although I sometimes question if he was every sexual or felt social pressure or mental pressure about sex to feel like a man or try and find love because he tells me he has never liked sex and always thought it was disgusting and mechanical and that he has never gotten anything out of it. So I don't know.

I think he needs a sex therapist.

Thoughts?

I think you need to let him decide what he needs and what he doesn't need. It's not up to you to decide that he should like something that he's made plain that he doesn't like. He's told you he never got anything out of sex and is happy without it; what about that don't you understand?

Sorry to be rather abrupt, but it doesn't seem like you are really listening to him.

I do listen, but I want to be happy too and find some common ground.

[Sally]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

I hope I didn't offend anyone with that question and my lack of understanding. I know how upsetting it can be to just have some one make blanket statements like its something you chose to do or chose not to do. I am sorry if I was insensitive.

So I am also guessing sexual therapy would be out if he were indeed asexual, but since he was sexual before we could try right?

I have mentioned this to him in the past and he has said why he is happy without sex and it doesn't mean anything to him. Although I sometimes question if he was every sexual or felt social pressure or mental pressure about sex to feel like a man or try and find love because he tells me he has never liked sex and always thought it was disgusting and mechanical and that he has never gotten anything out of it. So I don't know.

I think he needs a sex therapist.

Thoughts?

I think you need to let him decide what he needs and what he doesn't need. It's not up to you to decide that he should like something that he's made plain that he doesn't like. He's told you he never got anything out of sex and is happy without it; what about that don't you understand?

Sorry to be rather abrupt, but it doesn't seem like you are really listening to him.

I do listen, but I want to be happy too and find some common ground.

But that common ground won't be found by telling him seeking therapy for what is not a disorder. Neither of you have disorders. You are simply different from each other. Common ground has to be sought while recognizing that difference, not trying to eliminate it.

[aggie04]

For the purposes of the OP:

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone doesn't experience sexual attraction. That's the bottom line of it. Asexuality is not disliking sex or finding it disgusting or being a prat in bed (although some asexuals do dislike sex and find it disgusting, not all do, so it is not a part of the definition).

I hope I didn't offend anyone with that question and my lack of understanding. I know how upsetting it can be to just have some one make blanket statements like its something you chose to do or chose not to do. I am sorry if I was insensitive.

So I am also guessing sexual therapy would be out if he were indeed asexual, but since he was sexual before we could try right?

I have mentioned this to him in the past and he has said why he is happy without sex and it doesn't mean anything to him. Although I sometimes question if he was every sexual or felt social pressure or mental pressure about sex to feel like a man or try and find love because he tells me he has never liked sex and always thought it was disgusting and mechanical and that he has never gotten anything out of it. So I don't know.

I think he needs a sex therapist.

Thoughts?

I think you need to let him decide what he needs and what he doesn't need. It's not up to you to decide that he should like something that he's made plain that he doesn't like. He's told you he never got anything out of sex and is happy without it; what about that don't you understand?

Sorry to be rather abrupt, but it doesn't seem like you are really listening to him.

I do listen, but I want to be happy too and find some common ground.

But that common ground won't be found by telling him seeking therapy for what is not a disorder. Neither of you have disorders. You are simply different from each other. Common ground has to be sought while recognizing that difference, not trying to eliminate it.

You must not have read the entire thread. He is a schizophrenic which can cause distorted views of sexuality that change. And do to his past behavior and attitudes he may not be asexual so it is not necessarily his sexual orientation.

[Sally]

triple post

[Sally]

triple post

[Sally]

Aggie, you're not his psychiatrist. He already has one who is prescribing medication. However, what he is or isn't is his business to decide, not anyone else's. It really doesn't matter how many women he's slept with or what his diagnosis is. You make your decisions; he makes his. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, you will have to accept that.

[Yolly]

Hi aggie,

I'm not going to attempt to label him for him, but if he says he never liked/wanted sex, then this makes sense to me. There's a lot of pressure to have sex, especially for men, so it makes sense that he would have sex even if he didn't like it. It sounds like he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to be having sex, and you need to respect that.

Coming on to you, it really doesn't sound like this is a healthy sexual relationship for you or for him. "sometimes when we have sex he laughs at the noises I make or just mocks me for telling him what I want" - this is not a sign of a mature or healthy sexual partner. So I'd advise you to ditch the sexual part of your relationship, to be completely honest. Also I just want to point out, no matter how much you want sex, or how "good" you've been about sex; you are not entitled to sex, and you are definitely not entitled to sex from someone who doesn't want it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this really doesn't sound like a healthy sexual relationship to me.

[aggie04]

Aggie, you're not his psychiatrist. He already has one who is prescribing medication. However, what he is or isn't is his business to decide, not anyone else's. It really doesn't matter how many women he's slept with or what his diagnosis is. You make your decisions; he makes his.

A psychiatrist is not always a therapist, which he still needs to find at the advice of several he has met with.

I am not deciding for him, but we want to be together so we need to work on things. You are taking a very negative and presumptive tone towards me and I do not appreciate that.

[Sally]

Aggie, you're not his psychiatrist. He already has one who is prescribing medication. However, what he is or isn't is his business to decide, not anyone else's. It really doesn't matter how many women he's slept with or what his diagnosis is. You make your decisions; he makes his.

A psychiatrist is not always a therapist, which he still needs to find at the advice of several he has met with.

I am not deciding for him, but we want to be together so we need to work on things. You are taking a very negative and presumptive tone towards me and I do not appreciate that.

I'm sorry you feel that way and I am, indeed, pretty blunt. But you asked for advice and thoughts, and others have said basically the same thing.

[aggie04]

Aggie, you're not his psychiatrist. He already has one who is prescribing medication. However, what he is or isn't is his business to decide, not anyone else's. It really doesn't matter how many women he's slept with or what his diagnosis is. You make your decisions; he makes his.

A psychiatrist is not always a therapist, which he still needs to find at the advice of several he has met with.

I am not deciding for him, but we want to be together so we need to work on things. You are taking a very negative and presumptive tone towards me and I do not appreciate that.

I'm sorry you feel that way and I am, indeed, pretty blunt. But you asked for advice and thoughts, and others have said basically the same thing.

I was mostly asking if he could go from sex addict to asexual. He has at times initiated sex with me and lot with other women and he has said in the past he has liked sex. I do not think he has a sexual aversion or is not sexual attracted as he masturbates to videos or pictures of women. I think its the physical and the actual bodily fluid exchange and the uncomfortableness that bothers him, because he feels awkward. I also think it has a lot to do with his mental disorder his past at being used and the fact he contracted an std. He is now very paranoid about germs. You seem to think that he has to be asexual and nothing can be done. I am trying to figure out IF he is and if not if sexual therapy would work for him. If he is I don't want to change him, but if there is an issue he can address and improve both our qualities of life as well as our relationship then why not? Why should I have to be the one to automatically adjust when we both can IF he is not indeed asexual?

[Sally]

I didn't tell you he's asexual; we cannot tell you because we don't know him. Ask him.

However, whatever he is, it is up to him whether he wants to even try to do something about it. That's what I've been trying to say to you.

Now I'm giving up. I wish you and he good luck.

[Hpets]

Reading through these posts, there are a couple comments that I feel the need to ask about:

He did get treated for chlamydia a time or two, but he's constantly tested positive since we have been together.

You do know that testing positive means that the sexually transmitted infection is positive in the system? Was this just a mistype?

He has never cheated on me and I know this because he never leaves our home without me and he no longer works so he can't be having an affair at work.

This raises warning flags for me. I understand that he's dealing with his schizophrenia, but for him to be so dependent on you, his girlfriend, sounds like the sort of thing that could really hurt a relationship.

These things said, I think you are valid in your desire for him to see a specialist. If he has suddenly gone from totally into sex to disgusted by it, you certainly can't be expected to stay quiet and accept the change. You're an equal member in this relationship, and if you're unhappy you need to express that. Telling him he needs to see a sex therapist may be a little too demanding, but you could certainly suggest that you go together to speak with a relationship specialist.

But if your new differences are truly irreconcilable--if there's no way for you both to be happy together--you might have to consider ending the relationship... (Honestly, from the way you've described him, I don't really understand why you're with this guy in the first place. Does he have some redeeming qualities that you haven't mentioned?)

[eee]

TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe I can provide you some answers that is quite rare. I can relate to your bf in some ways. After being severely and physically traumatized at the age of 15, I went on a road of promiscuity and sex addiction in my early adulthood. I cheated, slept around and did all the tabooed act. Always used protection and luckily still untainted, I was never really into the sex itself. It was more like self indulgent of hatred and self punishment. In simple words, I hated what was done to me and blamed myself with more of its disgusting act. Sex always felt like nothing though there were times I liked the idea of it. I never really felt sexual attraction and sex was like a way to disrespect my body and it was all done in the name of self loathing. Until I found someone I loved, I never knew what pleasure meant. But even then, sex was the biggest confusion in my life. I finally was able to move on from life, remove myself from all the hatred and self punishment and found peace within. I realized, either born or by nurture, I am demisexual to asexual who can go on years without, no urge, no desire of what so ever. So I too went from a sex addict to asexual. To me, I have no sexual attraction to anyone, gender but the occasional whim for my bf.

[Goldberry]

I think you've provided some great insight, eee.

Aggie, given your boyfriend's schizophrenia and background and given eee's insight in sex addiction, it's made me think that it's entirely possible to be a sex addict and asexual. That is, rather than just becoming asexual he could have already been asexual, but just having a lot of sex for some other reasons, without even liking it. After all, asexuality doesn't equal our behavior; this topic explains it a bit more.

Nobody here can tell whether he really is asexual, though. That's up to him to figure out.

[aggie04]

Reading through these posts, there are a couple comments that I feel the need to ask about:

He did get treated for chlamydia a time or two, but he's constantly tested positive since we have been together.

You do know that testing positive means that the sexually transmitted infection is positive in the system? Was this just a mistype?

He has never cheated on me and I know this because he never leaves our home without me and he no longer works so he can't be having an affair at work.

This raises warning flags for me. I understand that he's dealing with his schizophrenia, but for him to be so dependent on you, his girlfriend, sounds like the sort of thing that could really hurt a relationship.

These things said, I think you are valid in your desire for him to see a specialist. If he has suddenly gone from totally into sex to disgusted by it, you certainly can't be expected to stay quiet and accept the change. You're an equal member in this relationship, and if you're unhappy you need to express that. Telling him he needs to see a sex therapist may be a little too demanding, but you could certainly suggest that you go together to speak with a relationship specialist.

But if your new differences are truly irreconcilable--if there's no way for you both to be happy together--you might have to consider ending the relationship... (Honestly, from the way you've described him, I don't really understand why you're with this guy in the first place. Does he have some redeeming qualities that you haven't mentioned?)

Yes a mistype he is NEGATIVE on all STD tests. The not leaving the house was his decision, because he is afraid of falling back into his old behaviors of one night stands and lying. He does have a couple of our friends come over on occasion, but he is a solitary person, which is "normal" with his condition (Schizophrenia)

He does have redeeming qualities. He is very sweet and thoughtful. He has the most amazing intellect and views on the world. He is open-minded and someone I never feel will judge my opinions. He loves to take care of me (opening doors, jars, or getting me things that I can't reach--I'm 5'2" and he is 6'2"). He is witty and I feel very safe and happy with him. He also has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

[aggie04]

TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe I can provide you some answers that is quite rare. I can relate to your bf in some ways. After being severely and physically traumatized at the age of 15, I went on a road of promiscuity and sex addiction in my early adulthood. I cheated, slept around and did all the tabooed act. Always used protection and luckily still untainted, I was never really into the sex itself. It was more like self indulgent of hatred and self punishment. In simple words, I hated what was done to me and blamed myself with more of its disgusting act. Sex always felt like nothing though there were times I liked the idea of it. I never really felt sexual attraction and sex was like a way to disrespect my body and it was all done in the name of self loathing. Until I found someone I loved, I never knew what pleasure meant. But even then, sex was the biggest confusion in my life. I finally was able to move on from life, remove myself from all the hatred and self punishment and found peace within. I realized, either born or by nurture, I am demisexual to asexual who can go on years without, no urge, no desire of what so ever. So I too went from a sex addict to asexual. To me, I have no sexual attraction to anyone, gender but the occasional whim for my bf.

Thank you for this insight. On a humorous side note my real life initials are actually TMI so it fits my overly open discussion style. lol

I myself experience sexual trauma in my teens, one of the many reasons I wait until I was 25 to have sex, I still on occasion have flashbacks. It took me years of therapy and an understanding boyfriend who knew ways NOT to touch me when we started to attempt anything beyond kissing. Now I am happy to say I am lucky enough to enjoy sex and desire it, but it must be with love and with someone I fully trust.

I understand the self-punishment part very well. He has told me that nothing happened to him in regards to abuse but he might have been self-punishing due to his illness. These are things we have talked about and one of the further reasoning I suggest counseling. But I do know at times he has enjoyed sex with me and he said with his ex-wife, but no one else.

[eee]

TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe I can provide you some answers that is quite rare. I can relate to your bf in some ways. After being severely and physically traumatized at the age of 15, I went on a road of promiscuity and sex addiction in my early adulthood. I cheated, slept around and did all the tabooed act. Always used protection and luckily still untainted, I was never really into the sex itself. It was more like self indulgent of hatred and self punishment. In simple words, I hated what was done to me and blamed myself with more of its disgusting act. Sex always felt like nothing though there were times I liked the idea of it. I never really felt sexual attraction and sex was like a way to disrespect my body and it was all done in the name of self loathing. Until I found someone I loved, I never knew what pleasure meant. But even then, sex was the biggest confusion in my life. I finally was able to move on from life, remove myself from all the hatred and self punishment and found peace within. I realized, either born or by nurture, I am demisexual to asexual who can go on years without, no urge, no desire of what so ever. So I too went from a sex addict to asexual. To me, I have no sexual attraction to anyone, gender but the occasional whim for my bf.

Thank you for this insight. On a humorous side note my real life initials are actually TMI so it fits my overly open discussion style. lol

I myself experience sexual trauma in my teens, one of the many reasons I wait until I was 25 to have sex, I still on occasion have flashbacks. It took me years of therapy and an understanding boyfriend who knew ways NOT to touch me when we started to attempt anything beyond kissing. Now I am happy to say I am lucky enough to enjoy sex and desire it, but it must be with love and with someone I fully trust.

I understand the self-punishment part very well. He has told me that nothing happened to him in regards to abuse but he might have been self-punishing due to his illness. These are things we have talked about and one of the further reasoning I suggest counseling. But I do know at times he has enjoyed sex with me and he said with his ex-wife, but no one else.

he sound a little demi sexual to me and has deeper rooted problems. I think he needs serious professional help and no one here can provide a true answer. Sorry, I can never pass a real judgement here because I don't qualify.

[FlyAway]

Hi aggie! :) I registered to comment on your post... Sorry if TMI in parts of this post maybe...

Have you checked his meds if they could have this as side-effects? Read what his meds say and/or google for side-effects (maybe with keywords). Sometimes all side-effects aren't even stated beforehand, you might need to dig a bit 'deeper' and click on a few links on a company's website sometimes...

Also, nutrition. Is he a vegan or vegetarian? Lack of zinc could be a factor, research it... Maybe other vitamins/minerals could be a factor too... Has he had any lab tests done?

Maybe he might also have OCD (germ-related etc). I know it can be bad, apparently I may have some of it too... Read about it and maybe ask him if he can relate to it, maybe he can read about it too? If he does have it, he'll need to go to a therapist specialized in that... There are OCD forums too... And books about it...

Can you do 'fun stuff' without actual 'exchange of liquids'? /There may be ways...?/

If he finds certain things 'disgusting' can you be understanding and go for stuff more pleasing to him? At least at first? Both men and women may sometimes these days think they need to run the gamut of all that is in the movies, and sometimes some imagination and some things that both find pleasing could work just okay too? also there may be ways for body/liquids to maybe 'smell' better (this has a lot to do with nutrition too) sorry if this is not a factor, just thought I'd mention it...

Also some stuff like the infamous 'candida' could perhaps be a cause... or some other phsyical problems... (some doctors in some countries do and some don't recognize this...)

Depression by itself can decrease interest in these things too...

You are not your bf's therapist, maybe you can help him find help though?

It sounds like he also has social phobia/social anxiety. And there are ways to get help for this too.

No, it isn't 'normal' for someone with schizophrenia to sit home all day. Where I live, there are day centers run by non-profit organisations, where people can hang out and do interesting activities (or sometimes they have trips etc or go to concerts or events together, relatives can come too...) Even some free therapy/counselling may be offered... So check what is available locally. You may have to go there first time with him, or a few times...

Some people find therapy/counselling very helpful, some not so much... It's worth it to look around a bit, try to find someone 'specialized' in what he has... Just meds is not a solution, they are often prescribed most easily though.

Also exercise, daily walks/jogs can help with depression and general wellbeing, and this may connect with interest in other things too...

This may or may not be a factor, I read that in a few cases schizophrenia can even be nutrition-related and some people got better after not eating gluten or milk/dairy. I can probably find a link if interested. It's a small percentage but if I or someone near me had it, I'd probably wanna try this... Do research this and ideally find a therapist and nutricionist willing to work on this together...

Some people even have 'hidden' celiac disease or intolerance/allergy to certain foods or Lyme disease or such and it can be 'masked' as a mental health problem... so might wanna research this & look up if there might be any other signs for any of these...

It is possible that a person with lots of experience in the past may be simply disinterested too... (A friend was for a while with a similar guy.) It may be worth to check the other things first though...

Not sure if you're also working on your own wellbeing and vitality? Maybe jogging/workout or such could be a fun thing to do together? Not sure if you work/study/volunteer or pursue interests outside of home or not, do you guys have some time apart so that he misses you?

I'd stay away from sexual therapy - if he indeed has OCD and is afraid of infecting you, and of germs and such, another 'stranger' would probably seem even 'worse'...

Good luck! :) And hope you manage to find a way to be happy together! And/or to come to some sort of agreement.

PS My username is not a comment on your post, just my general pattern in most relationships so far :) and something I could think of on the fly lol

[LittleMissRaindrop]

Hi Aggie,

I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't say anything for sure but the first thing that came to my mind while reading your post was the theory of self-punishment. (I know the feeling pretty well, believe me.)

Oh and he is a newly diagnosed schizophrenic, but he is seeing a doc and on meds.

Does this change in his behavior coincide with the beginning of the therapy? Or did the doctor recently prescribe new meds? If so, you may eventually ask some doctor about possible side effects. In some case, medication can cause side effects that affect sex drive...

Anyway, you should try to talk to him. Whether he is asexual or not, it seems like he had some really hard times and he probably needs you, so just be patient. ;)

I wish you both good luck!

[aggie04]

Hi Aggie,

I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't say anything for sure but the first thing that came to my mind while reading your post was the theory of self-punishment. (I know the feeling pretty well, believe me.)

Oh and he is a newly diagnosed schizophrenic, but he is seeing a doc and on meds.

Does this change in his behavior coincide with the beginning of the therapy? Or did the doctor recently prescribe new meds? If so, you may eventually ask some doctor about possible side effects. In some case, medication can cause side effects that affect sex drive...

Anyway, you should try to talk to him. Whether he is asexual or not, it seems like he had some really hard times and he probably needs you, so just be patient. ;)

I wish you both good luck!

He started to tell me he felt this way when his divorce had been finalized and just before we started dating (he was separated when we met, but we didn't date until the divorce was final). He didn't start the meds and until just recently, so I don't think that is it. He has been depressed off and on since he was a kid.

He eats like a 14 year old pot head boy...so junky.

I think its a combination of factors and some self-punishment. He can't even answer the question if he is asexual. He says he doesn't know what is wrong with him.