Would you be okay with letting your significant other seek sex elsewhere?

[Idraena]

Faelights, ArcanineHuggles and I were discussing whether this option in a relationship would be considered viable by the majority of AVEN. When answering, please assume you were in a committed relationship and actively did not want to have sex (as opposed to being indifferent to it or doing it for your partner's pleasure.) Please answer the poll question, but if there was another option you would prefer, I would be interested to hear about that in the comments, too!

[Member #37117]

i came in to chat at the tail end of this conversation. if i were dating a sexual and we loved each other, i would be more than willing to try and satisfy whatever needs he has, as i am not anti-sexual.

[Idraena]

To answer my own poll, I voted for option #2, but I would prefer to try polyamory as a route if it was that or let my SO seek sex elsewhere. I would probably prefer to try polyamory than have sex in the first place, to be honest, but I'm not certain.

[Philip027]

Hm, probably not.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Absolutely not. That is why I decided I won't go for anyone who isn't asexual, that way the problem cannot/should not arise.

[Member 35376]

Voted "Yes, I would be absolutely fine with that".

I came to this life empty handed.. I like to live this life without owning others in any way.. and I am going to leave this life like that also.. empty handed but with a pocket full of nice experiences.

[Plaid]

i came in to chat at the tail end of this conversation. if i were dating a sexual and we loved each other, i would be more than willing to try and satisfy whatever needs he has, as i am not anti-sexual.

You don't have to be anti-sexual to not want sex- I'm very much sex positive and just plain repulsed by the thought of having sex myself.

@ The topic in general: I'd be more than happy for that to happen. It'd all have to be spelled out before the relationship had started though, because I probably wouldn't date a sexual individual otherwise, just because I'd feel guilty for depriving them.

[PiF]

personally no..if you want someone else..for what ever reason.. then the relationship is finished

but that is just me.. I have heard that others have managed to find this way of working and of those some it works well for

[Guest Jay26]

No. Seeking enjoyment outside of a committed relationship is a prescription for that relationship to end.

[Salmacis]

I would dump my boyfriend instantly if he ever felt the need to seek out sexual satisfaction from sources besides myself. If he really loves me, like he says he does, then he wants me, and only me. If he feels the need to resort to other people, then that's basically implicitly saying that I'm not good enough for him. It's either me and me alone, or our relationship is void. Just my humble opinion.

[Astrobot]

Yes, I would be absolutely fine with that.

Although, my significant other(if she exists) probably wouldn't seek sex elsewhere. My significant other would love me the way I am and wouldn't care much about the sex part.

I came to this life empty handed.. I like to live this life without owning others in any way.. and I am going to leave this life like that also.. empty handed but with a pocket full of nice experiences.

I agree.

[Samael]

Obviously, this poll is mainly geared towards romantic people, since involment in some kind of dating relationship is implied or outright assumed. It's hard to answer because I'm not a romantic person and relationships are of no interest to me. But, on imagining an involment according to the aforementioned parameters, I think I would be somewhere between yes and no.

But really, you strike an interesting question since I can't fabricate a concrete answer. I can't even imagine "dating" someone to begin with because that's an out-of-space idea for me. It seems silly and a waste of time, although the majority of the world would probably disagree, hah!

[Idraena]

Obviously, this poll is mainly geared towards romantic people, since involvement in some kind of dating relationship is implied or outright assumed. It's hard to answer because I'm not a romantic person and relationships are of no interest to me. But, on imagining an involvement according to the aforementioned parameters, I think I would be somewhere between yes and no.

But really, you strike an interesting question since I can't fabricate a concrete answer. I can't even imagine "dating" someone to begin with because that's an out-of-space idea for me. It seems silly and a waste of time, although the majority of the world would probably disagree, hah!

I definitely meant it for romantics -- or at least people in a romantic relationship -- but you raise an interesting point. Any idea why you'd say between yes and no, even though you're aromantic?

[SheaSouffle]

Never. If they love me and want me, then I will be enough for them.

[Samael]

Obviously, this poll is mainly geared towards romantic people, since involvement in some kind of dating relationship is implied or outright assumed. It's hard to answer because I'm not a romantic person and relationships are of no interest to me. But, on imagining an involvement according to the aforementioned parameters, I think I would be somewhere between yes and no.

But really, you strike an interesting question since I can't fabricate a concrete answer. I can't even imagine "dating" someone to begin with because that's an out-of-space idea for me. It seems silly and a waste of time, although the majority of the world would probably disagree, hah!

I definitely meant it for romantics -- or at least people in a romantic relationship -- but you raise an interesting point. Any idea why you'd say between yes and no, even though you're aromantic?

Well, because I expect honesty and in turn give my full trust to people who I deal with. Mutual, unsaid loyalty is required to build rapport with me. If I trust another person, I will never be jealous of their affairs or suspicious of their motives.

If there was a relationship, I'd expect loyalty. If there was no loyalty, there would be no relationship. Then again, in my eyes loyalty is not broken if it was established that they could go have their carnal desires fulfilled elsewhere. Honesty is the key, and if I find that trust goes both ways, then I wouldn't worry about their escapades ;)

[AkiraCoinTykiGotBetaMuffin]

I'd be fine letting my partner have sex elsewhere I think, if we had already discussed this all, as long as I knew what was going on, I don't think there would be reason for worry.

[The Great WTF]

I have no qualms about my SO seeking sex elsewhere. I think the notion that "love conquers all", while in theory a wonderful thing, is an unrealistic idea to cling to. To expect a sexual person to just stuff down their sexuality because I want to be their one and only seems juvenile to me. If they want to try it, more power to them, but I'd rather give them the option.

[Aberdeen]

I missed this particular chat discussion, but this question came up in chat a while ago, as well, and I was reminded of it when reading the recent New York Times Magazine article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?_r=1&ref=magazine

I do believe honesty is very important.

Still, within that, my answer to the question is NO.

[Guest]

No. Not much for jealousy about the act in itself, but rather because I wouldn't want the other person to have any kind of connection with anyone else, and I know physical betrayal often leads relationships to end in favour of new fuck buddies.

[FrozenCherry]

If he is gay, yes. If he is straight, no.

[Chickenpede]

No, and I probably wouldn't end up in a situation like this, since my S.O. would most likely not be highly sexual (if not completely asexual).

[cthuvianace]

There's no way that that could ever work for me.

Then again, I've told myself I'm only going to date other asexuals from here on out, so it's an issue that won't really come up for me.

[Member33070]

x

[Shaded]

I chose the second one "Yes but I would be concerned..." but I feel more towards a maybe. I'd have to be in a relationship for a long time, and there would have to be love and good trust. I'd be jealous, and scared that they would leave me, but if I wanted it to work and keep my partner satisfied I would consider this as an option. It would have to be discussed and there would have to be some rules though. I've always had partners in the past who didn't need to seek elsewhere, so I've never had to choose.

[Idraena]

I voted "Yes, but I would be concerned that they would develop a deeper emotional connection with the person they're having sex with and leave me" because that is EXACTLY how I feel! hrrm. Interesting that that's an option.

Good to know! It's an option because that's exactly how I feel. Well, I am hesitant on a flat-out yes, but the reason I'm hesitant is that. xD

Obviously, this poll is mainly geared towards romantic people, since involvement in some kind of dating relationship is implied or outright assumed. It's hard to answer because I'm not a romantic person and relationships are of no interest to me. But, on imagining an involvement according to the aforementioned parameters, I think I would be somewhere between yes and no.

But really, you strike an interesting question since I can't fabricate a concrete answer. I can't even imagine "dating" someone to begin with because that's an out-of-space idea for me. It seems silly and a waste of time, although the majority of the world would probably disagree, hah!

I definitely meant it for romantics -- or at least people in a romantic relationship -- but you raise an interesting point. Any idea why you'd say between yes and no, even though you're aromantic?

Well, because I expect honesty and in turn give my full trust to people who I deal with. Mutual, unsaid loyalty is required to build rapport with me. If I trust another person, I will never be jealous of their affairs or suspicious of their motives.

If there was a relationship, I'd expect loyalty. If there was no loyalty, there would be no relationship. Then again, in my eyes loyalty is not broken if it was established that they could go have their carnal desires fulfilled elsewhere. Honesty is the key, and if I find that trust goes both ways, then I wouldn't worry about their escapades ;)

Definitely makes sense! Thanks :)

[Guest member25959]

:P I'll say what I said in chat.

'Yes, but I would be concerned that they would develop a deeper emotional connection with the person they're having sex with and leave me '

This, pretty much. But I am aromantic. If I had a partner, I would not mind them seeking sex elsewhere, I only worry that they would develop too much a an emotional connection with those people.

[Vampyremage]

I would be fine with it although I would probably want to set some ground rules, such as meeting the potential partner beforehand to make sure that I was in approval of my own partner's choice. If it was someone I actually liked I think I'd be fine with it, but it might be different if it was with someone I found to be personally distasteful.

[SquirrelCat]

Both the Yes options actually.

I would be totally fine with it but I would still worry...

[Jockey]

I would probably be fine with it, although I can imagine it might feel awkward.

[The Warden]

I said the second one "Yes, but I would be concerned that they would develop a deeper emotional connection with the person they're having sex with and leave me"

But to be truthful my thought process is more between that and No.

I would normally say "Yes" but I think it is less about them and that person/s and more about myself. I would probably feel used and unworthy. Probably thoughts of uselessness and feeling that I'm broken.

So it is kinda a two way street. If my partner wanted to have sex with someone I would say no or else we will break up but not because I don't trust him but I would feel horrid myself.

Though I think I'm aromantic so .....