Former Forum FAQ

[GirlDreamer]

Dear Readers,

Asexuality is a relatively new concept in mainstream society. Its definition has been the subject of much debate among both the general public and the asexual community. You will often browse through AVEN and find similar topics. Questions such as "Am i asexual?" or "I do ... does this mean I'm not asexual?" It can get pretty confusing if you're not sure where to look or know exactly what you're looking for. So, we've compiled a list of commonly asked Q&A in the hopes that it clarifies some of the basics for asexuals, family, friends and loved ones, alike. There's plenty of information available through AVEN--on the AVENWiki, Front Page, the forum board and the threads and posts, themselves. By using the search bar at the top right of the website, you can browse for information and have an opportunity to read through a variety of topics and responses relating to what you want to know. Welcome to the AVEN Asexual Q&A FAQ!

Sincerely,
The AdMod Team

**EDIT**

The FAQ listed below may or may not include terminology or information on other updated discussions, lists or General FAQ/AVENWiki resources. If you feel that additions or clarifications are needed, please feel free to bring this to the attention of the Asexual Q&A Moderator or anyone on the Admod/PT Teams, via this thread or PM. As always, we appreciate the input of our members and hope this remains a valuable resource for any and all who come to AVEN. Thank you.

Edited October 19, 2014 by byanyothername
adding a note for input

[GirlDreamer]

General FAQ

Am I asexual?

The definition of asexual is a person that doesn't experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is not to be confused with celibacy, which is to choose to abstain from sex in spite of having sexual attraction.

It's also important to remember that no one can tell you if you're asexual or not, only you can decide what is right for you.

No one fits neatly into a label, as asexual people are as different as sexual. So there's nothing wrong in applying a label even if you don't feel like you fulfill all the criteria. You can also have a closer look at terms such as demisexual or grey asexual.

Demisexual

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. A demisexual person would pretty much be like a sexual person in a relationship, and like an asexual while not in a relationship.

Grey-A/Gray-A

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:

• do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
  
• experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
  
• experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
  
• people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances
  

Relationships

Many asexual people experience attraction, but feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Relationship FAQ on the Front Page has answers to some common relationships-related questions.

"We're married, we just don't have sex" by Paul Cox

For partners, parents and friends

AVEN's front page has useful material to family and friends. It can be given to them as a handy guide to asexuality. It might also be useful to read beforehand when explaining asexuality to someone. There is also a separate page about Relationships, with a part specifically for sexual partners of asexuals. We also have a forum For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

The AVEN Wiki -- a general wiki resource of information related to asexuality and AVEN.

Types of attraction

Romantic attraction is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person. Many asexual people experience romantic attraction even though they do not feel sexual attraction.

Other asexual people do not feel romantic attraction, and classify themselves as aromantic as well as asexual.

Sensual attraction: Some asexuals have a desire to do sensual (but not sexual) things with certain people, especially relating to tactile sensuality such as cuddling.

Aesthetic attraction: Some asexuals feel attraction to other people that is not connected to a desire to do anything with them, either sexually or romantically.

Queer-A & Gender Relations

Gender identity is the gender(s), or lack thereof, a person self-identifies as. It is not necessarily based on biological fact, either real or perceived, nor is it always based on sexual orientation. The gender identities one may identify as include male, female, both, somewhere in between ("third gender"), or neither. (from the big wiki)

AVEN's own Gender Discussion forum

Gender Forum definitions.

The Yadaforum

General list of terms

The Wiki Lexicon

Sex and asexuality

As asexuality simply means one does not experience sexual attraction this means asexuals can have sex drives, that is desire for sexual contact. Autosexual is a term that describes a person that derives adequate sexual satisfaction from masturbation. An asexual may also be autosexual, being capable of taking care of bodily arousal without needing to seek partnered sex.

**Myths And Misconceptions About Asexuality***

• Arousal =/= Attraction
  A persons capability of arousal has nothing to do with sexual attraction.
  
• Masturbation
  Some people believe that asexual people doesn't masturbate at all, but this is just a myth. Just like sexuals, asexual people can have varying degrees of libido and masturbate just as much or little as anyone else.
  
• Sex-positive
  An asexual person can be just as sex-positive or negative as the average joe. Some might be repulsed by sex, while others are quite capable of enjoying sex or sexual acts.
  
• Sex drive (libido, nonlibidoism, desire vs. attraction)
  Another myth is that asexual people doesn't have any libido at all. But as mentioned above, asexual people can have very high, low or average libido.
  
• Fetishes (fetlife)
  It's also a myth that asexual people don't have any fetishes. A fetish doesn't have to be sexual at all.
  FetLife TMI Bondage, BDSM & fetish community or kinksters, by kinksters This site also has asexual members posting about asexual fetishes.
  Sex-free Bondage
  bdsm and being asexual
  Any Aces have fetishes?
  Only kind of asexual? - a rant by a kinky asexual
  

Community FAQ

Community Guidelines

Internet safety

What is "asexual elitism" and why does AVEN discourage it?

The AVEN Terms of Service (ToS)

Helpful Guidelines to Keep AVEN The Happiest Place on Earth

Education & Research

asexual literature

The Asexual Bookshelf - list of books of possible interest to asexuals (links to be fixed and any relevant information updated/added to the list).

Tracking Asexuality in the Media

Asexuality: Making of A Movement

This feature length documentary will profile people from England to New Zealand to the US trying to live their lives as asexuals—people who do not experience sexual attraction—in a society where sex has become a commodity.

-brochures, pamphlets, offline resources

Official AVEN Pamphlets can be found here.

Asexual Explorations exists to promote the academic study of asexuality.

AVENues, HPoA, maybe PT, other AVEN-related stuff

Hot Pieces of Ace is a youtube collab channel designed to help the Asexual community in any way imaginable.... that can be captured on film. Videos will be posted every weekday about a weekly topic suggested by you.

Visibility and Education Projects is an AVEN sub-forum devoted to a list of projects and ideas on how you can help raise awareness.

The Project Team: What it is and why you should get to know them.

Do you think asexuals belong in the LGBT group?

Other sites

Apositive was developed to break new ground in discourse related to asexuality and sexuality.

A-sylum is a place for cool asexy people to hang out and and enjoy the .

Asexual Lesbians is a forum for asexual lesbians. It is open to anyone who identifies as lesbian or is interested in asexual lesbian issues.

Asexual Youth is a message board provided by the Queer Youth Network (UK based alternative sexuality and gender organisation), moderated by a dedicated Asexual Coordinator offering support, information and resources for younger people (25 and under) as well as their advocates.

Aromantic Forum A community for aromantic asexuals to connect and discuss, in whatever depth, aromanticism.

Personals sites

Acebook Acebook is a unique dating and social networking site for asexual people. Even though we tend to like cake better than sex, many of us are still interested in romance.

Asexualitic.com Asexualitic.com is the first Free dating site for Asexual People.

Moe sites can be found in here

Social Networking Sites

Facebook has many groups and pages about asexuality. Here are a few: AVEN, AVEN Asexual Visibility and Education Network, Asexuality, Being Ace is Ace.

LiveJournal has several asexuality related journals. Here is one of the biggest: Asexuality.

More asexuality related groups on different sites can be found here

The ASEX blogsosphere

Asexy Beast by Ily

Asexual Curiosities

What do you mean by sex

Too asexy for my shorts by EXECute

Asexual Explorations Blog by mandrewliter

Love From the Asexual Underground by AVENguy aka DJ

More blogs can be found in here

Podcasts

ALife

Unscrewed and Illuminated

[GirlDreamer]

So this new FAQ's has been in the works for a while and this is what we've come up with. We might have forgot something or just not thought something was important, so if anyone has any input, please share them and we'll look into it :)

I think Bipolar Bear and Nalle Neversure needs a big thanks as they've been leading this project and done most of the work. Of course the rest of the team has contributed so thanks to everyone that participated in this

[PiF]

good step forward girl

would it be possible within the am i asexual part to insert some more common mistakes than just celibacy..i.e. low libido, anti sexual, sexual repulsion etc etc as that will be the part they see first?

would it also be possible to include this in the authorisation email when some first join?

[Pandoren]

I know you put a sex drive link in there, but maybe "libido" could be explained in the text? You wrote "desire for sexual contact", which wouldn't be quite the way I'd define it, since it sounds imo like there is an implication of contact with other people. I'd maybe write "desire for sexual stimulation, which may be solo or partnered" or something. Maybe I'd put a few analogies in it here and there for additional understanding, although I understand how this may take away from the professional fact layout of the text.

Also, the term "autosexual" has been used in three different ways (not including attraction to cars...)- one, as you've written, is to describe an asexual that masturbates, however I've also seen it used in context of someone sexually attracted to theirself or that someone can be both another orientation and autosexual if they prefer masturbation to partnered stimulation, so "autosexual" wouldn't necessarily fit all circumstances in the same person. I believe there was someone of the self-attraction definition on AVEN recently.

(As another aside, would RD's Dapper Ace fit in here anywhere? I've never actually listened to it personally)

[Turunah]

I ask permission to AVEN, especially to the authors of this topic, to publish it without changes (just translated) in Portuguese-speaking forum (http://a2forum.forumeiros.com/). The source will be identified and there will be links to the originals.

Thanks.

Edited: The result may be submitted for consideration and approval before publication.

[Guest]

This was extremely informative and cleared up some matters that were a little nebulous to me. It should also help the newbies find out more about themselves. Thank you for your contribution, GD! So useful!

Grey-A/Gray-A

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled "grey" in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who:

• people who experience some parts of sexuality but not others

At times I wonder if there's a little shade of gray in my orientation too. I really don't want sex in my life, but there's other sexual stuff I do enjoy even if I don't crave for it personally. Though I can't say I feel "pseudo-sexual attraction" because it's just something I enjoyed doing when my ex heterosexual partner wanted it... never looked for that on my own. Guess I'm still ace after all :lol:

[GirlDreamer]

good step forward girl

would it be possible within the am i asexual part to insert some more common mistakes than just celibacy..i.e. low libido, anti sexual, sexual repulsion etc etc as that will be the part they see first?

would it also be possible to include this in the authorisation email when some first join?

I'll look into this, can't promise I can update it anytime soon though, as I have other stuff to do as well.

Maybe I'd put a few analogies in it here and there for additional understanding, although I understand how this may take away from the professional fact layout of the text.

(As another aside, would RD's Dapper Ace fit in here anywhere? I've never actually listened to it personally)

We have to be careful not to write to much in a FAQ, because if it turns into a huge wall of text, people won't read it.

And I've never listened to any of the ace podcasts, so I don't know anything about them :P

I ask permission to AVEN, especially to the authors of this topic, to publish it without changes (just translated) in Portuguese-speaking forum (http://a2forum.forumeiros.com/). The source will be identified and there will be links to the originals.

Thanks.

Edited: The result may be submitted for consideration and approval before publication.

Yes, you may translate it and use it if you want ;)

[Member33070]

Yay! Good job everyone! Now we can send some of the more obvious questions to a lovely organized happy thread!

[Fαlleη]

Thanks a lot for this, it's very well written and nicely set out.

[Brisco]

Fantastic. Thanks for that. I'd never heard of aesthetic attraction before.

Cheers.

[Kathlyn]

maybe this faq isn't the place for it, but maybe aromantic could be mentioned under relationships or their own category. I found out about it years after asexuality (which I almost identified with), and was the thing that made me go "ya I'm asexual" (well that and the post in response to my post, on another site, about asexuality and aromantics)

[raine.spirit]

Thank you! This helps a lot!

[Moggie]

General FAQ

Am I asexual?

The definition of asexual is a person that doesn't experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is not to be confused with celibacy, which is to choose to abstain from sex in spite of having sexual attraction.

Types of attraction

Romantic attraction is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person. Many asexual people experience romantic attraction even though they do not feel sexual attraction.

I've read the AVENwiki multiple times and I still do not understand the definition of what sexual attraction means. I don't understand how to know if i have experienced sexual attraction to someone else.

My second question is what does romantic relationship mean? I guess I don't exactly know the meaning of romantic...

sorry I know this is probably obvious to everyone else, but it isn't to me and I seriously want to understand and know the answer so I can truly know if I am asexual or not or if i am romantic or aromantic with certainty and I can't do this without first understanding what these terms I've asked about above actually mean.

Thanks.

[GirlDreamer]

Have you ever been walking by a place, and smelled something amazing, like baking bread or cooking apples, that makes you salivate from half a block away? It's a feeling that has little to do with being hungry (though that helps), so much as an immensely compelling aroma that hooks you and draws you in. That's probably the closest analogy I can think of to the sexual's reaction to a wet t-shirt contest. It's something they can ignore, with a bit of difficulty, and is different from actually "eating" (ie having sex), but is still a powerful lure.

Also sexual people have reported that sexual attraction is so powerful that you will definitely notice if it's there. It's something you can't ignore. It's describe as a nearly irresistible, magnetic pull towards another person which aims for physical intimacy that would ultimately lead to having sex.

A romantic relationship just means that you're having a relationship with another person as a boyfriend or girlfriend. As opposed to having a platonic relationship which would mean just being friends.

Hope that helps a little.

[never odd or even]

Two points:

1) 'As asexuality simply means one does not experience sexual attraction this means asexuals can have sex drives, that is desire for sexual contact. Autosexual is a term that describes a person that derives adequate sexual satisfaction from masturbation.

This seems contradictory to the following statement and to the rest of the AVEN FAQ, perhaps a little more elaboration, such as they might want to have sex to please their partner or to have children or because it is intimate and has nothing to do with being/feeling sexual/wanting sex. I think that 'the desire for sexual contact' could well be misleading and needs to be edited into a more clearer frame of interpretation.

2) I think you should post the 'what is sexual attraction' thread link on this FAQ too. just to have an alternative/contrast so people understand, there being so much confusion /ignorance as to what it is.

[inoshishi83]

Bless you very much! Thanks to your post, I finally know now that I fit under Gray-A. I also enjoy romanticism and sensuality. :)

[cmartin]

This explained a lot and I found I clearly fit into the grey-a category with occational sensual tendencies :) thank you x

[WhenSummersGone]

Two points:

2) I think you should post the 'what is sexual attraction' thread link on this FAQ too. just to have an alternative/contrast so people understand, there being so much confusion /ignorance as to what it is.

I agree with this one too. I'm still unsure what sexual attraction is lol so anything to help us out more would be good

[Ettina]

Arousal =/= Attraction

A persons capability of arousal has nothing to do with sexual attraction.

Sex drive (libido, nonlibidoism, desire vs. attraction)

Another myth is that asexual people doesn't have any libido at all. But as mentioned above, asexual people can have very high, low or average libido.

OK, this part I don't get. I call myself asexual because I have no sexual feelings. No attraction to anyone, no desire to do anything sexual, no reaction when I do try to do something sexual (I've experimented with masturbating) - nothing. To me, someone who feels any of those things isn't asexual. Grey area, maybe, or 'self-sexual' (for someone who likes masturbating but doesn't want a partner) but I wouldn't call them asexual.

Sometimes I find this frustrating, because it's hard enough for me to get people to believe I have no sexuality, without people with a bit of sexuality using the term asexual and making it sound like asexual doesn't mean no sexual feelings whatsoever. (Not that I'm trying to tell others what they call themselves. But I wish I had a term for 'no sexuality at all, not even X, Y or Z'.)

[ithaca]

Arousal =/= Attraction

A persons capability of arousal has nothing to do with sexual attraction.

Sex drive (libido, nonlibidoism, desire vs. attraction)

Another myth is that asexual people doesn't have any libido at all. But as mentioned above, asexual people can have very high, low or average libido.

OK, this part I don't get. I call myself asexual because I have no sexual feelings. No attraction to anyone, no desire to do anything sexual, no reaction when I do try to do something sexual (I've experimented with masturbating) - nothing. To me, someone who feels any of those things isn't asexual. Grey area, maybe, or 'self-sexual' (for someone who likes masturbating but doesn't want a partner) but I wouldn't call them asexual.

Sometimes I find this frustrating, because it's hard enough for me to get people to believe I have no sexuality, without people with a bit of sexuality using the term asexual and making it sound like asexual doesn't mean no sexual feelings whatsoever. (Not that I'm trying to tell others what they call themselves. But I wish I had a term for 'no sexuality at all, not even X, Y or Z'.)

There is a term for people who have no libido. It's non-libidoist, and if you're also asexual, then you may be a non-libidoist asexual :) Though the label "asexual" is also correct for people who have a libido but no attractions to others, as eventually a-sexual doesnt' mean "no sexuality", it means "attracted to no genders".

The orientations labels are built this way from greek:

• hetero-sexual = hetero means "different", so technically it'd literally mean "different sexuality" if you think "a-sexual" means "no-sexuality". While actually it means "attracted to the different (as opposite) gender".
  
• homo-sexual = homo means "same", so it means "attracted to the same gender".
  
• bi-sexual = bi means two, so you understand already how it works?

Therefore considering "a" is used as negation, it means "attracted to ---> none", relating to the gender sphere. :) I hope this is a bit more clear.

[Beachwalker]

'Types of attraction

Romantic attraction is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person. Many asexual people experience romantic attraction even though they do not feel sexual attraction.

Other asexual people do not feel romantic attraction, and classify themselves as aromantic as well as asexual.

Sensual attraction: Some asexuals have a desire to do sensual (but not sexual) things with certain people, especially relating to tactile sensuality such as cuddling.

Aesthetic attraction: Some asexuals feel attraction to other people that is not connected to a desire to do anything with them, either sexually or romantically.'

Why isn't sexual attraction on this list?

[Lia]

Because that list is talking specifically about romantic attraction :)

[Beachwalker]

Because that list is talking specifically about romantic attraction :)

No actually I am pretty sure it's just talking about types of attraction

[C.F.L.]

Thanks for doing this; this is a great FAQ so far.

I also agree with below, that we really need to find a definition of sexual attraction that everyone can understand readily.

Two points:
2) I think you should post the 'what is sexual attraction' thread link on this FAQ too. just to have an alternative/contrast so people understand, there being so much confusion /ignorance as to what it is.

I agree with this one too. I'm still unsure what sexual attraction is lol so anything to help us out more would be good

It is still the sticking point in a lot of threads about uncertainties that people have. So we will need some kind of definition (maybe not perfect, but as a starting point), that everyone can work off of. As of now, sexual attraction is not defined itself; but the whole concept of asexuality is defined around it; so it leads to a lot of confusion and questions.

[Guest]

I also agree with below, that we really need to find a definition of sexual attraction that everyone can understand readily.

[...]

It is still the sticking point in a lot of threads about uncertainties that people have. So we will need some kind of definition (maybe not perfect, but as a starting point), that everyone can work off of. As of now, sexual attraction is not defined itself; but the whole concept of asexuality is defined around it; so it leads to a lot of confusion and questions.

Already in the works and coming soon, together with other FAQ clearups/improvements. ;) ^_^

[C.F.L.]

I also agree with below, that we really need to find a definition of sexual attraction that everyone can understand readily.

[...]

It is still the sticking point in a lot of threads about uncertainties that people have. So we will need some kind of definition (maybe not perfect, but as a starting point), that everyone can work off of. As of now, sexual attraction is not defined itself; but the whole concept of asexuality is defined around it; so it leads to a lot of confusion and questions.

Already in the works and coming soon, together with other FAQ clearups/improvements. ;) ^_^

Sounds great. Looking forward to it.

[Guest]

I think I'm Gray a , I do feel strong physical and romantic maby attractions to people and want to make out with them , but anything under clothes is just not appealing to me.

[WaterlilySun]

Thanks all, this has been very helpful to this newbie sexual with an asexual (maybe gray-a) spouse. I hope I can get the coversation going with him. This helps me understand a lot better the things going on in our relationship without the resentment.

[nerdperson777]

I wanted to ask a small question without starting a new thread. I think here would work.

I'm trying to analyze the difference between sexual, romantic, and aesthetic attraction, since I experience none of them. So sexual, someone would be "hot". Romantic would be "cute". Aesthetic would be "pretty". Do I have that correct? I think I've heard some varying definitions so I know this isn't really defining. I remember a guy I knew in high school saying that he didn't like hot girls; he liked cute girls. I feel that in that context, hot is for more sexually mature people. Cute would still have some young connotation to it. I know even if someone's "hot", people wouldn't necessarily want to "do" them, but in general for any attraction, they would want to intimately hold them. To me, I just define "cute" having to do with young animals, like wolves, dogs, cats, etc. "Sexy" means they are sexually appealing and people would want them. And then now I feel a contradictory statement coming. Sexual attraction is based on looks, and romantic is based on the connection.

I think I'm starting to ramble. If I ever have to explain to my friends the difference between these, it'd be something I guess.