Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

an1malclawz

sexual attraction without drive and arrousal

Recommended Posts

ooze

Yes, I experience sexual attraction without arousal (I'm grey-a). Arousal is a physiological response, often in the "nether regions", i.e. genitals. Whereas attraction is a psychological response. They can be coupled, or not. I have a friend who says he is "attracted to tons of guys", but I doubt he gets aroused every time (I'm not going to ask, lol).

And no, I don't think sexual attraction is the desire to actually have sex with the person. I am too repulsed to do that and I know I am not alone. There are/were a few repulsed sexuals here, who identify that way.

A magnetism or pull is pretty much the best way I can describe it too.

Also, you may want to see this thread where sexuals talk about sexual attraction.

In that thread:

it usually starts in the head and then moves to my skin and then to my genitals.

Notice how this person says it starts in the brain. For me, it stops before the genitals. That does not mean it's not sexual attraction.

Arousal happens in the brain. If you're physically and mentally fine, it has physical consequences (erection for a male, wetness for a female). If you have physical and/or issues (can be as small as stress) you might not have the physical consequences of arousal, but you still have the arousal, and from what I understand, you still know you're aroused. Hence the frustration when the rest doesn't follow.

Arousal is a physical thing, though technically it's caused by the brain in the same way that every other movement is. I do not get any kind of physical arousal and I'm pretty sure I'm physically and mentally "fine". I have been to doctors who know about this and they don't think it's a problem. Neither do I. If you still feel aroused in the absence of physical consequences, that's because of the purely psychological component of attraction. That is not arousal. And FTR I am never "frustrated" at my lack of physical response.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Preskom

ok evanescence, Avistew, we'll have to agree to disagree

I discussed it with some of my friends not on aven, and their opinions and experiences about it diverge too. But as farfetched as it may seem to you 2, you may at least try to concede that some people may be able to experience sexual attraction without bodily arousal.... after all, we ARE in a forum about a bunch of people saying they do not experience sexual attraction while the majority of the world declares it IMPOSSIBLE...

And Thank you very much for your input ooze, it was very well explained, what I experience is very similar to yours ^-^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

Sexual attraction has a physical component; it's not just psychological. Aesthetic or romantic attraction does not have a physical component.

If you're attracted to someone because of their personality, their looks, their talents, whatever, but you don't think about possibly having sex with them and you don't feel arousal, you're not sexually attracted. Sex, after all, is--sex. There's really no way to get around the definition of sexual attraction, no matter what orientation you consider yourself to be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ooze

Sexual attraction has a physical component; it's not just psychological. Aesthetic or romantic attraction does not have a physical component.

If you're attracted to someone because of their personality, their looks, their talents, whatever, but you don't think about possibly having sex with them and you don't feel arousal, you're not sexually attracted. Sex, after all, is--sex. There's really no way to get around the definition of sexual attraction, no matter what orientation you consider yourself to be.

I do "think about possibly having sex with them", I just don't actually want to in reality. I think this is a theory/reality distinction. To ignore this distinction rules out repulsed sexuals, who do actually exist.

Edit: Someone posted this to queersecrets and it's relevant: http://acebug.tumblr.com/post/5040022338/certainly-if-you-identify-as-such-or-if-it

Change "three" to "two" and I could have written that. Pretty sure I'm not technically ace.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Avistew

I think attraction to someone who's unattainable and who, on top of that, you really don't know can be closer to a fantasy than reality, especially when you know you actually wouldn't do it. So I'm not sure if it's sexual attraction to them or a fantasy you build for yourself, if I'm making sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
evanescence

Sexual attraction has a physical component; it's not just psychological. Aesthetic or romantic attraction does not have a physical component.

If you're attracted to someone because of their personality, their looks, their talents, whatever, but you don't think about possibly having sex with them and you don't feel arousal, you're not sexually attracted. Sex, after all, is--sex. There's really no way to get around the definition of sexual attraction, no matter what orientation you consider yourself to be.

Looks like we agree, Sally. I still think that AVEN needs a concise definition of sexual attraction on the website, preferably at the first point of entry.

E.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cazz333

Sexual Attraction: a desire of wanting sexual intercourse, engage in other sexual activities, with another person for having sex with them as the only reason or accompanying other reasons.

Basically it's the I want love and sex with someone else or just sex with someone else mentality. It can lead to sexual arousal and therefore sex in reality or it does not. That's at least how I define sexual attraction and the wanting bit is felt mentally and/or physically.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sepa

ouch, I don't like were this is going...

Sexual arousal is NOT mandatory to sexual attraction.

An example so everyone can understand: The handicapped!

Yeah, going there... what if a sexual person suddenly becomes paralyzed from the waist down, or "disabled".

What about the man who experience erectile dysfunction?

And while not going to those extremes, you have your typical sexual, and let me tell you, if they experienced arousal every single time they where sexually attracted, it'd be very uncomfortable(

blue balls blue walls

). Not to mention socially uncomfortable for man to have boners in public places; going to the beach? no thanks!

Now "arousal" can come in 2 phases, the mental phase and the genital phase.

Now that I demonstrated that the genital phase is not mandatory for attraction, the mental phase is debatable.

Thank you! This post just really cleared it up for me! I've been having trouble understanding sexual attraction, but I think this made me understand much more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

Wow. sexual attraction equals arousal in many people's definition? It's not so for me.

I'm sexual. I've found many people 'sexually attractive' without being the least bit aroused by them or desiring to have sex with them.

I've seen people who were attractive in a cute way, like you just want to cuddle them or if you were an old fashioned grandma type, you'd want to pinch their cheeks or something annoying lol. I've seen people who were attractive on a purely beautiful level, like wow! That person is in great shape, has nice hair, lovely eyes, ect. I've seen people that were attractive on a million different levels that I didn't consider sexual.

For me, thinking someone is sexually attractive doesn't require any more extreme physical or mental response to that person than thinking they are funny when they tell a joke, or any other opinion I may form of them. I may think someone is cute, but does that mean that *I* feel the need to pinch cheeks? No. But I see something in them and acknowledge the fact that, for the right person, those cheeks would be real fine for pinching. Same with sex- I can see someone and objectively recognise that they fit into my definition of 'sexy' or 'hot' without wanting to personally take advantage of that quality.

Do I consider myself sexually attracted to the people that I recognise objectively are 'hot'? Yes, I do. I say "nice" and do a double take. I'll pause and appreciate the art that is their body. (discretely! Don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, I have a boyfriend!) But this doesn't mean it makes me hot and wet. Usually it does not have a physical reaction at all.

For me at least, being sexually attracted to someone and NOT having a physical reaction or desire for sex is just as natural as seeing a yummy cake and knowing, if I hadn't just stuffed myself on something else (aka happy relationship), that cake might taste good. Acknowledging that, for the right person, that cake is going to be the best darn thing they ever tasted- but not feeling a physical need for it myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ShahidAfridiBOOMBOOM

I was thinking about this recently, cos a couple of days ago I was out with a couple of friends and late at night we bumped into these German girls and they wanted us to go clubbing with them. Well we didn't really want to cos we had plans but one of them was flirting with me and coming close to me physically, and it was nice. And I thought well I have no desire to have sex with her, but it did sort of feel like a sexually charged atmosphere somehow, I mean I didn't have any sexual arousal whatsoever and didn't want to have sex but I found her sexually charged interactions with me quite enjoyable, maybe it's just the ego boost I like but it seemed something more?. So can this be sexual attraction? Cos I was getting some sort of enjoyment, but it wasn't in the nether regions and I had no interest in sex and it only last briefly as we said goodbye and went our separate ways after a few minutes (though if we had planned on clubbing too then I might have done some physical stuff, but for the respect of my peers and the ego boost, and cos I like to please)- but for this brief interaction I felt something else, something intangible, not sure how to define it -do any "sexual" people know this feeling?.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Olivier

Wow. sexual attraction equals arousal in many people's definition? It's not so for me.

I'm sexual. I've found many people 'sexually attractive' without being the least bit aroused by them or desiring to have sex with them.

I've seen people who were attractive in a cute way, like you just want to cuddle them or if you were an old fashioned grandma type, you'd want to pinch their cheeks or something annoying lol. I've seen people who were attractive on a purely beautiful level, like wow! That person is in great shape, has nice hair, lovely eyes, ect. I've seen people that were attractive on a million different levels that I didn't consider sexual.

For me, thinking someone is sexually attractive doesn't require any more extreme physical or mental response to that person than thinking they are funny when they tell a joke, or any other opinion I may form of them. I may think someone is cute, but does that mean that *I* feel the need to pinch cheeks? No. But I see something in them and acknowledge the fact that, for the right person, those cheeks would be real fine for pinching. Same with sex- I can see someone and objectively recognise that they fit into my definition of 'sexy' or 'hot' without wanting to personally take advantage of that quality.

Do I consider myself sexually attracted to the people that I recognise objectively are 'hot'? Yes, I do. I say "nice" and do a double take. I'll pause and appreciate the art that is their body. (discretely! Don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, I have a boyfriend!) But this doesn't mean it makes me hot and wet. Usually it does not have a physical reaction at all.

For me at least, being sexually attracted to someone and NOT having a physical reaction or desire for sex is just as natural as seeing a yummy cake and knowing, if I hadn't just stuffed myself on something else (aka happy relationship), that cake might taste good. Acknowledging that, for the right person, that cake is going to be the best darn thing they ever tasted- but not feeling a physical need for it myself.

All of this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual

Wow. sexual attraction equals arousal in many people's definition? It's not so for me.

I'm sexual. I've found many people 'sexually attractive' without being the least bit aroused by them or desiring to have sex with them.

I've seen people who were attractive in a cute way, like you just want to cuddle them or if you were an old fashioned grandma type, you'd want to pinch their cheeks or something annoying lol. I've seen people who were attractive on a purely beautiful level, like wow! That person is in great shape, has nice hair, lovely eyes, ect. I've seen people that were attractive on a million different levels that I didn't consider sexual.

For me, thinking someone is sexually attractive doesn't require any more extreme physical or mental response to that person than thinking they are funny when they tell a joke, or any other opinion I may form of them. I may think someone is cute, but does that mean that *I* feel the need to pinch cheeks? No. But I see something in them and acknowledge the fact that, for the right person, those cheeks would be real fine for pinching. Same with sex- I can see someone and objectively recognise that they fit into my definition of 'sexy' or 'hot' without wanting to personally take advantage of that quality.

Do I consider myself sexually attracted to the people that I recognise objectively are 'hot'? Yes, I do. I say "nice" and do a double take. I'll pause and appreciate the art that is their body. (discretely! Don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, I have a boyfriend!) But this doesn't mean it makes me hot and wet. Usually it does not have a physical reaction at all.

For me at least, being sexually attracted to someone and NOT having a physical reaction or desire for sex is just as natural as seeing a yummy cake and knowing, if I hadn't just stuffed myself on something else (aka happy relationship), that cake might taste good. Acknowledging that, for the right person, that cake is going to be the best darn thing they ever tasted- but not feeling a physical need for it myself.

Me too. I especially like the cake bit.

(first time I've ever disagreed with Sally...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Olivier

Hi, SwA, long time no see :cake: How's things?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitelime

Reading this thread makes me feel like i don't really understand sexual attraction so i'm gonna ask a question.

Let's imagine an hypothetical situation : a guy (considering himself asexual) having physical intimacy with a girl he is close with (and eventually experiencing romantic attraction to her) and the contact becomes hotter (for whatever reason the girl is not aware of the boundaries of what the guy would like to do/not to do) and the guy gets physically aroused (basically has an erection), could we say that the guy EXPERIENCED SEXUAL ATTRACTION IN THAT SITUATION or not (or third possibility : we don't have enough information and we CAN'T answer the question "Did he experience sexual attraction ?"

Thanks for the replies

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

I'd say not enough info, we can't tell from external reaction how he's feeling inside. As others have pointed out to me, erections can happen from something as simple as clothing rubbing wrong (right?) and that doesnt mean attraction to ones clothes. On the other hand, your phrasing of "gets hotter" sounds like sexual response for it's own sake, which would lead me to say it was a sexual attraction. Did you mean the situation gets hotter, or the man involved?

I think sexual attraction is a lot broader than most here seem to view it, as demonstrated in my post above. I'll try to answer this in a way more directly related to the action of sex, rather than the emotional and abstract definition of attraction.

I believe a man is experiencing sexual "attraction" (as most here seem to define it) when he persues/desires physical stimulation for his own sake because it makes him feel good/get aroused. Doing it for the pleasure of another is not the same. Granted, you can do it for both your pleasure and another, they aren't exclusive. But the key element is if they engage in sexual thoughts or activity because they want it for themselves.

Just my opinions, feel free to disregard!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitelime

I'd say not enough info, we can't tell from external reaction how he's feeling inside. As others have pointed out to me, erections can happen from something as simple as clothing rubbing wrong (right?) and that doesnt mean attraction to ones clothes. On the other hand, your phrasing of "gets hotter" sounds like sexual response for it's own sake, which would lead me to say it was a sexual attraction. Did you mean the situation gets hotter, or the man involved?

I think sexual attraction is a lot broader than most here seem to view it, as demonstrated in my post above. I'll try to answer this in a way more directly related to the action of sex, rather than the emotional and abstract definition of attraction.

I believe a man is experiencing sexual "attraction" (as most here seem to define it) when he persues/desires physical stimulation for his own sake because it makes him feel good/get aroused. Doing it for the pleasure of another is not the same. Granted, you can do it for both your pleasure and another, they aren't exclusive. But the key element is if they engage in sexual thoughts or activity because they want it for themselves.

Just my opinions, feel free to disregard!

No the word "hotter" was supposed to refer to the situation (ie they were previously, as an example, maybe kissing/cuddling and they now start to have naked cuddling or to touch each other's genitals (or that type of contact which is closer to sex than previous kissing/cuddling thing)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tito
As others have pointed out to me, erections can happen from something as simple as clothing rubbing wrong (right?)

Wait, they can?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

Tito, I have 3 male roommates who confirmed this- as well as men in my past joking about "stiff breeze stiffys" when they had pent up sexual energy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BlessYourFace

Im so glad someone else feels this way! I was just battling this myself the other day. I believe that you can have that moment of sexual attraction, but the drive to do it is lacking; I take care of things myself, and though the thought of being sexual with the person im attracted to is plenty, the thought of getting physical with them is disgusting. I could blame it on my wanting to feel like i fit in for so long before i found out about AVEN and that i wasnt alone in my lack of sexual attraction to people-- that i just became a believer in fantasies can cure all, and keep me happy in every way. ...if that just didnt confuse you more...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tito

Tito, I have 3 male roommates who confirmed this- as well as men in my past joking about "stiff breeze stiffys" when they had pent up sexual energy.

Oh. Well I don't think it's really the clothes, then, as much as it's the mental state. But what do I know, I never went around surveying people about this.

...

... okay really seriously? I'm having trouble believing this even though I wouldn't accuse anyone of lying. I know that it can happen randomly especially for people who are going through puberty but ehhh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
zoidberger

Tito, I have 3 male roommates who confirmed this- as well as men in my past joking about "stiff breeze stiffys" when they had pent up sexual energy.

Oh. Well I don't think it's really the clothes, then, as much as it's the mental state. But what do I know, I never went around surveying people about this.

...

... okay really seriously? I'm having trouble believing this even though I wouldn't accuse anyone of lying. I know that it can happen randomly especially for people who are going through puberty but ehhh

Yes, it can be very random, and no it's nothing to do with mental state. It starts happening around puberty, but I haven't witnessed any stopping... I'm pretty sure it happens with 99% of guys at least...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

Speaking from experience from the female side, I have similar reaction with my breasts- tmi to follow?

My nipples can get hard for the randomest stimulation- every single time I take off my shirt, for example. Nothing to do with state of mind, could just be preparing for a shower or changing clothes. I know its not exactly the same thing, but similar.

I think for some people, its as simple as a matter of one person has better circulation/nerve pathing, so small things can get a reaction of a swelling of blood to a barely stimulated area, without other influence.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Avistew

Speaking from experience from the female side, I have similar reaction with my breasts- tmi to follow?

My nipples can get hard for the randomest stimulation- every single time I take off my shirt, for example. Nothing to do with state of mind, could just be preparing for a shower or changing clothes. I know its not exactly the same thing, but similar.

I think for some people, its as simple as a matter of one person has better circulation/nerve pathing, so small things can get a reaction of a swelling of blood to a barely stimulated area, without other influence.

Well, nipples get erect due to temperature. If you're cold, it's normal that they would, it's the nipple equivalent of goose bumps. Otherwise, it can happen due to cloth rubbing against you, too. Either way, this is a physical reaction and not always caused by non-physical things, so yeah, it's pretty normal.

For men though, it's not caused by temperature changes. Still, it can be caused by a variety of things that have nothing to do with arousal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tito

Yes, it can be very random, and no it's nothing to do with mental state. It starts happening around puberty, but I haven't witnessed any stopping... I'm pretty sure it happens with 99% of guys at least...

Random is different than "being caused by the wind when it wouldn't have happened otherwise."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

LOL I disagree about temp not effecting male parts- just usually in the other direction! hehe.

Tito, as I said, they JOKE about it being caused by the wind, an exaguration of how easily it is to get a physical reaction to basically no stimulation or mental state.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tito

Tito, as I said, they JOKE about it being caused by the wind, an exaguration of how easily it is to get a physical reaction to basically no stimulation or mental state.

This is still different than it being caused by "clothes rubbing the wrong way." Or is that an exaggeration too? Apparently everyone is exaggerating things on here recently, maybe I should just respond to people as if they only mean what they say 1/10 the amount.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
indigowulf

No, I specified that they made the breeze comment as a joke. Which means, not literal. The reason for it not being literal was that it was exaggeration. I don't think everyone here is 'joking'.

Yes, clothes rubbing wrong can cause it, no mental state required. I don't understand why it's so hard to comprehend. Some people have higher/lower pain tolerance than others. You don't think they are making it up when a delicate person retreats from a rough football game at a picnic, nor do you think the tougher people are faking it when they can fall, get up, and not seem to notice. Why is it so hard to believe that people may also have varied stimumlation reaction to other things?

That's all pain is- reaction by the brain to stimulation of the body. You bang your knee, you get pain, you bang it harder, you get more pain. Some people can bang pretty hard before they get pain. Your reaction to pain is to move your body, so as to minimize the stimulation causing the pain. You take your hand out of a fire reflexively. It's the same for a reflexive flow of blood to a sexual organ based on stimulation- some people take less/more stimulation for the brain to react. No reason to doubt those people's honesty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tito

I specifically said that I wouldn't accuse anyone of lying about it. :mellow:

And if it worked that way for someone I'm having trouble understanding how they wouldn't just constantly be stimulated. I've also never heard of anyone who's like that and it seems like I would have if it were common, hence the confusion.

I also don't think it actually works the same way as pain either but then pain is such a nebulous concept anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...