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Do asexuals feel guilt at not being able to satisfy their sexual partner?


Tadakatsu1600

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carried in bags

for me, it was more like the other way round.

before I discovered I was asexual, I had relationships. There was lots of awkward moments with them where I felt 'something was wrong with me". I don't think i felt much guilt through it, there was shame tho. The reason I say it was the other way around is because I could satisfy them, but they couldn't satisfy me. I liked pleasing the woman I loved and it was a bit of fun. They felt bad because i couldn't "feel it" the same way they could. The only way I think i would feel guilty is if they wanted to have children, but I don't think I'd want kids if I wasn't asexual.

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Re: the bolded part... wow, that is seriously fucked up.

I know... I'm worried that dealing with people like that made me a bit... I don't know, I mean, I realise it's a small minority of people but part of me is less trusting because I know they exist. I think it would have made me paranoid if I was a guy.

Ditto.

If I was a guy and didn't want kids, I don't think I would let my partner talk me into not using a condom. As a girl I know I'm paranoid as crap. I'm on birth control pills that I take religiously every night (not once in the past 3 years I've been on them have I missed a pill), but I still insist on extra protection.

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Well, getting a vasectomy when you don't want kids right now but think you might want them later doesn't work. And the problem with them saying "if he's not wearing condoms, then it's his fault" is that they get the guys to stop condoms by saying they're on the pill. I personally think it's sad to have to doubt your partner. I totally understand going the extra mile if having a kid is your worst fear or something (for instance many friends of mine started the pill as soon as they had periods in case they got raped, which thankfully happened to none of them, and they didn't start having sex for years) but the whole concept of trying to trick someone actively and then blaming them just grates on my nerves. When a boyfriend does want to keep using condoms, you hear advice about how to make him stop wearing them, or how you should remove them yourself or something, or how to collect semen from used condoms to impregnate yourself. In my opinion there isn't much the guy could have done, so the problem is that they're really talking in bad faith there. Their arguments might make sense if the guy insists that she should take the pill and he shouldn't do anything, and she says "no, I won't take it, so you deal with it". Then yeah, if he doesn't use protection, he's been warned, I totally agree with that.

The boyfriend doesn't have to take anyone's advice. The boyfriend can simply protect himself from having children by using a condom, no matter what he's been told by the woman. Likewise, the woman can use birth control even if she's been told by the boyfriend that he's had a vasectomy. Neither the man nor the woman can tell if the other's had a vasectomy or is using birth control pills, so they should protect themselves.

I.e., personal responsibility, not blaming the other.

And to Pam, yes, no one persuaded me to have sex when I didn't want it; I persuaded myself are considering what the penalty was for not doing it. The man wasn't to blame.

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The boyfriend doesn't have to take anyone's advice. The boyfriend can simply protect himself from having children by using a condom, no matter what he's been told by the woman. Likewise, the woman can use birth control even if she's been told by the boyfriend that he's had a vasectomy. Neither the man nor the woman can tell if the other's had a vasectomy or is using birth control pills, so they should protect themselves.

I.e., personal responsibility, not blaming the other.

The men weren't vocal here, so I don't see why you're talking of blaming themselves. The women were trying to preemptively find excuses in case their partners realised they had been lied to, and that's what I dislike.

And sure, you need to take your own responsibilities, but I disagree that you can't know. When I was on the pill, my partner knew the time I was supposed to take it and would remind me or bring it to me and were there when I took it. And vasectomies leave a scar and a certificate.

In my case, I have an IUD and you can feel the wires if you touch the right spot.

I think it's important to see birth control not as something individual but as something you do together, just like a child would be. And I think it's important to make birth control decisions together. That doesn't mean you can't double it with several methods, but I disagree with "condoms is what males do, pills is what females do" because to me, condoms is one thing the couple does together, and so is the pill.

If you end up with someone who is jerkish enough to think it's your own responsibility and not get involved in it at all, then yes, you should still do it on your own (or presumably leave them. I wouldn't stay with someone like that) but if you're in a relationship were such decisions are made together and your partner insists that they want to stop condoms, and you talk about it and decide to agree considering the other information you've been given, and they lied, I don't see how it's your fault.

I mean, some of these women exchanged tips about how to take something different to make him think it was the pill, or how to "take it" but keep it in your mouth and spit it later in the bathroom, or how to take it and then make yourself throw up... It's not like their guys were always people who just took their word for it, and even if they were, while I agree it's not a wise thing to do, I wish it was something you can safely do with a partner, trust them.

What if your partner sleeps around and catches something, and because they told you they weren't you stop using condoms after being both tested? If you catch something, is it entirely your fault because you should have used condoms anyways? Does your partner, the one sleeping around, lying to you and infecting you, bears no responsibility? Especially when they did it on purpose? Kids can have a more dramatic impact on your like than a STD, and last longer, not to mention in that case there is the kid to think about too, a kid who wasn't wanted by one parent, and might end up being raised by a parent who didn't want them (and in some cases resents them for existing) or live without that parent. Wouldn't they have deserved something different? Shouldn't the mother have looked for a partner who was not just willing but happy to have a child and take care of them?

My problem with what the women were saying wasn't the content of what they were saying as much as the fact they were rationalisations of acts that I find horrible, and that they have backup plans for cases when the future unwilling father does everything they can to avoid a pregnancy, too, so these rationalisations are lies anyways.

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Hi,

For me it is kind of cyclical. At times I am completley comfortable with who I am and do not feel guilty for that but at other times I feel tremendously guilty for not being able to satisfy my spouse (this guilt is of my own doing). I think that is due to the fact that I did not discover asexuality until about 15 or so years into my marriage. There was always an issue concerning sex but like most asexuals, in the beginning, I just assumed that there was something wrong physically or chemically....something I could fix. I now know that is not the case. It has been an upward battle since my discovery of asexuality but my spouse and I feel IF there is a workable compramise we will find it.

I think the important thing here is, in a sexual/asexual relationship that both parties need to find a common ground where guilt is not an issue. If that is not possible then may be it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. It is especially not healthy if one person uses guilt to manipulate the other. That to me is a signal to the end of the relationship.

Your situation seems more complicated then mine, at least in a different way then mine. If you are in fact a nympho. You and your SO are at opposite ends of the spectrum. There may not be any wiggle room that you both can feel good about. I've said this before, communcation is the key. The result may not be what you were hoping for but at least you get everything out on the table. That is the only way to know if your relationship can work or not.

Best of luck,

tinyt

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evanescence

Persuasion, as the word is commonly used, isn't always directly by the partner. I was persuaded to have sex not by my partners talking me into it, but by the fact (and it was a fact) that if I didn't, I would lose that person whom I loved. That knowledge persuaded me. However, actually having the sex was my choice. I could have chosen to not have sex and lose that person.

If you haven't been in that position, it's hard to explain how you feel. You know that the activity is not your choice, but the penalty for not participating in the activity is not your choice either. So you do what seems least difficult.

I've had that exact same experience many many times. It wasn't always fully conscious, either. The cultural expectation that I would have sex was so strong that I never thought to question it.

E.

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I would imagine that asexuals feeling guilty about not being able to like sex is about the same kind of guilt a sexual is going to get for liking sex. As in a sexual in a relationship with an asexual feeling guilty about wanting to have sex with the asexual because the asexual simply does not like it/want it and you do not want to force it on them. I can imagine it being reverse for an asexual where they would feel guilty for not being able to satisfy the sexual partner.

I would hope it doesn't happen often, though it probably does. It's not good to feel guilty about being you. :(

But I'm hypocritical because I've already felt the guilt that I mentioned for a sexual. xDx

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I would imagine that asexuals feeling guilty about not being able to like sex is about the same kind of guilt a sexual is going to get for liking sex. As in a sexual in a relationship with an asexual feeling guilty about wanting to have sex with the asexual because the asexual simply does not like it/want it and you do not want to force it on them. I can imagine it being reverse for an asexual where they would feel guilty for not being able to satisfy the sexual partner.

I would hope it doesn't happen often, though it probably does. It's not good to feel guilty about being you. :(

But I'm hypocritical because I've already felt the guilt that I mentioned for a sexual. xDx

I'm only on the fringes of a possible relatinship as a sexual with a possible asexual, so it's all new and up in the air for me so far, still trying to figure out how things could work. But even at this point, I'm wishing I could rid myself of sex drive, it just seems like such a heavy burden for a conflictingly oriented couple, and for me there is PRE-guilt for knowing that it may be a cause of friction between us (no pun intended).

Which raises an interesting thought, really - there are libido increasing treatments, what about lilbido suppressants? I don't want to risk pressure on an asexual partner, whether intentional or not, when the whole issue could be mitigated somewhat. I think feelings of guilt generated by these situations are grossly unfair no matter which partner is feeling them, sexual or asexual, and if I can just be rid of the whole issue, then that's better all round.

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much too soon, no idea. :( Just don't want to start things off with misconceptions/incorrect assumptions with her.

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I'm only on the fringes of a possible relatinship as a sexual with a possible asexual, so it's all new and up in the air for me so far, still trying to figure out how things could work. But even at this point, I'm wishing I could rid myself of sex drive, it just seems like such a heavy burden for a conflictingly oriented couple, and for me there is PRE-guilt for knowing that it may be a cause of friction between us (no pun intended).

Which raises an interesting thought, really - there are libido increasing treatments, what about lilbido suppressants? I don't want to risk pressure on an asexual partner, whether intentional or not, when the whole issue could be mitigated somewhat. I think feelings of guilt generated by these situations are grossly unfair no matter which partner is feeling them, sexual or asexual, and if I can just be rid of the whole issue, then that's better all round.

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much too soon, no idea. :( Just don't want to start things off with misconceptions/incorrect assumptions with her.

I just want to add here that many couples have all kinds of problems or issues to work through (granted this one is pretty big) and don't seem to be able to make it even when they are both the same sexual orientation. I'm guessing that in plenty of these situations guilty feelings exist. It seems like what it ultimately hinges on, is whether the problem is insurmountable or not...a smoker with a non smoker, a drinker with a non drinker, couples with different shades of skin, couples of the same gender, couples with radically different backgrounds, a larger than normal age difference (my dad was 26 years older than my mom), and I'm thinking there are a multitude of these types of examples. In all these situations, it probably depends on each party and whether they are going to focus on the other's shortcomings (and procure feelings of guilt from them) or make the effort to focus primarily on all the good things in that person. No one needs to change the color of their skin, or lower their age, or change their sexual orientation (in our case) to have a healthy relationship. We just need to be a little more accepting, accommodating, and perhaps less self-centered all the way around. When both parties are making the effort to do this, it works.

Guilt may not be able to be avoided all the time (one person is having a bad day, and the other is thinking...what did I do now?). But communication ofttimes alleviates these situations.

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I've honestly never felt guilty about anything regarding my asexuality. [Possible TMI]: I always make my boyfriend reach orgasm, even though I myself am passive and don't feel a thing. Our sex may not be ideal in his eyes, but my lack on interest in sex certainly doesn't prevent me from being able to satisfy him.

He's actually the one who feels guilty for not being able to 'satisfy' me - despite my telling him countless times that such 'satisfaction' is not applicable to someone like me.

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I would imagine that asexuals feeling guilty about not being able to like sex is about the same kind of guilt a sexual is going to get for liking sex. As in a sexual in a relationship with an asexual feeling guilty about wanting to have sex with the asexual because the asexual simply does not like it/want it and you do not want to force it on them. I can imagine it being reverse for an asexual where they would feel guilty for not being able to satisfy the sexual partner.

I would hope it doesn't happen often, though it probably does. It's not good to feel guilty about being you. :(

But I'm hypocritical because I've already felt the guilt that I mentioned for a sexual. xDx

I'm only on the fringes of a possible relatinship as a sexual with a possible asexual, so it's all new and up in the air for me so far, still trying to figure out how things could work. But even at this point, I'm wishing I could rid myself of sex drive, it just seems like such a heavy burden for a conflictingly oriented couple, and for me there is PRE-guilt for knowing that it may be a cause of friction between us (no pun intended).

Which raises an interesting thought, really - there are libido increasing treatments, what about lilbido suppressants? I don't want to risk pressure on an asexual partner, whether intentional or not, when the whole issue could be mitigated somewhat. I think feelings of guilt generated by these situations are grossly unfair no matter which partner is feeling them, sexual or asexual, and if I can just be rid of the whole issue, then that's better all round.

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much too soon, no idea. :( Just don't want to start things off with misconceptions/incorrect assumptions with her.

No, I totally get where you're coming from. I've actually even thought about libido suppressants. Do they exist? I mean I already have depression and emotional problems yet my libido is pretty high for having that. So...idk what else I can do, honestly. I think you're right to be worried, but not too worried. it hasn't happened yet. You should take things as they come.

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Well of course someone who is asexual could feel guilty...inadequate..pressured... they may or may not though.

Just talk to your partner

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