Do asexuals feel guilt at not being able to satisfy their sexual partner?

[Tadakatsu1600]

Long story short: I've been with a guy for 2.5 years, and via AVEN, I've come to the conclusion he is asexual. (I am a self admitted nympho. Great paring of people, I know :/). I was wondering, to all the asexuals who are in relationships with a sexual person, do you feel guilty that you cannot satisfy your partner? How so you deal with it? I'm not meaning to be rude or offensive here, but this is a question that has been eating me up inside. I'm afraid to ask my man this, I don't know if I even should. Should I? How?

I'm sorry if I asked this in the wrong part of the forum. Newbie mistake. If there is a better place to inquire, please let me know! Thank you all for your thoughts and answers!

[shiroishiryo]

Nope, you asked in the right section. : D Welcome, and have some !

Well, yes, some asexuals can feel guilty about it. Others just want to avoid the subject because they think that others won't believe them or hate them for it. Really, it's comparable to anyone who is different from the perceived norm. People are embarrassed to talk about what makes them different, because they are afraid of rejection.

Of course, unless your partner has explicitly told you he's asexual, there may be some other cause for him avoiding sex. Or maybe you only think he's avoiding sex. By the way, does he know you're a nympho?

If you really think he's asexual, the best option may be to sit down, tell him (again, if you've already told him) you're a nympho, and that you've been noticing that you guys haven't had sex and that that frustrates you/you would understand if he were asexual/whatever you want to say to him. For this kind of stuff, it's best to get it all out in the open so that people aren't expecting things that are unrealistic.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

[Guest]

I second shiroishiryo's advice.

Some asexuals may feel guilty about it, others may not. Depends on how they feel about their asexuality. Those who suffer for it are most likely to feel guilty; those who accept and welcome it most likely won't. (I belong to the latter.)

[Emby]

In my last relationship, during which I realised I was asexual, yes, I felt extremely guilty about not being able to give my partner what he wanted/needed. In the end, I "dealt with it" by ending the relationship :/ That's probably not very helpful for you, sorry. It was an awful thing to have to do, but I knew it was better for him in the end, and while he didn't agree at first, he does now. I'm not saying it's the only solution, but I think it was the right one for us.

Back to you... I'm not sure you should outright ask your partner whether he feels guilty, as that might come out sounding a bit insensitive, even though you don't mean it that way. I do think you deserve to know, though. Maybe you could try to talk to him more generally about his and your feelings, and it might come into the conversation naturally. Good luck

[Tadakatsu1600]

Thank you, and thanks for the cake :)!

I was very up front with him about being a highly sexual person on our first date. I'm a very forward person because I feel it is everybody's best interests to be, especially in the dating world, 'cause that's a scary minefield and people's emotions are on the line. He seemed into sex... at first. But, after I moved in with him, that all ground to nearly a halt. I pieced together he was asexual over the years via his actions and comments. The biggest clue came when he said to me "I just don't understand why sex is important in a relationship". He doesn't understand how sex is (to a sexual person) an integral bonding exercise in a romantic relationship, and that is one of a few things that distinguish a romantic relationship from a "Just Friends" or roommate situation. He doesn't even like to be naked in front of me! This is how I figured it out after years of pain, feeling like he completely pulled a bait and switch on me and feeling like I'm hideous and undesireable, and me nearly cheating on him.

[nleseul]

I certainly did, when I was with a sexual partner. And, because I didn't know any better, I let her use that guilt to manipulate me into doing sexual things with her that I didn't particularly want to do.

I suspect that guilt is a lot more common among people who accept the idea that everyone is supposed to be sexual and there's something wrong with anyone who isn't. I think that knowing that asexuality exists and that it's a valid orientation to identify with helps prevent a lot of the guilt associated with it.

[shiroishiryo]

He doesn't understand how sex is (to a sexual person) an integral bonding exercise in a romantic relationship, and that is one of a few things that distinguish a romantic relationship from a "Just Friends" or roommate situation.

I should remind you of something, though. For you, yes, sex is an integral part of the relationship process. For us, and perhaps for your boyfriend, no, it is not. Strictly speaking, romance does not encompass, nor does it require a sexual aspect. For sexual people, the sexual aspect can be indistinguishable and inseparable from the romantic aspect, but they are not, in fact, one in the same thing.

Romantic asexuals can very much fall in love, and that love is just as real and strong as yours. We simply lack the sexual aspect that many sexuals take for granted and assume to be essential for love.

[Guest]

I suspect that guilt is a lot more common among people who accept the idea that everyone is supposed to be sexual and there's something wrong with anyone who isn't. I think that knowing that asexuality exists and that it's a valid orientation to identify with helps prevent a lot of the guilt associated with it.

This is very true. Spreading awareness would help people a lot in feeling better with themselves. Come to think of it, homosexuality was an absolute taboo up to not so long ago.

I should remind you of something, though. For you, yes, sex is an integral part of the relationship process. For us, and perhaps for your boyfriend, no, it is not. Strictly speaking, romance does not encompass, nor does it require a sexual aspect. For sexual people, the sexual aspect can be indistinguishable and inseparable from the romantic aspect, but they are not, in fact, one in the same thing.

Romantic asexuals can very much fall in love, and that love is just as real and strong as yours. We simply lack the sexual aspect that many sexuals take for granted and assume to be essential for love.

You've been granted my asexy hug. Awesome thing to point out. ;)

[Samael]

I suppose you weren't aware of asexuality before. Now, when you "date" the next person, you should ask him or her what's his or her sexual or romantic orientation before you try to build a (sexual or romantic) relationship with them, not just assume that they are sexual. It should be easy enough to ask, considering that you said you're a straightforward person.

[MadRat]

I would feel guilty and because of it I don´t want to be in a relationship with sexual partner.

And when you mentioned your partner doesn´t want to be naked around you...I have the same problem. Never naked! For me it is violating of my privacy. Maybe you will understand it if you imagine you would have to be naked in public place, like a supermarket or a street full of people.

[articvibe]

Personally?

I wouldnt call it guilt certainly some negative feeling though derived from the fact that im a male that dosent want to ex everything that has a pulse for 20 miles. I do feel bad sometimes after unintentionally leading a girl on (quite a fan of the romantic side of foreplay) though to be fair i usualy miss any kind of sexual fustration as the sexual world in general seems... always out of reach of my mind.

That said I do feel guilty about not being able to satisfy or even understand the emotional desire/connection? That many sexuals use as a way of forming a deeper bond during sex. If you get my drift.

[Zoe Doll]

I was in your partner's situation - I felt asexual, he wanted to jump on me at any chance he had. While I talked to him about it and he claimed to understand and respect it, in the end he pushed himself on me when he got desperate and despite being in love, that disrespect and pain was undeniable and I dumped him. There was definitely guilt at not feeling capable of making him happy. There was also the fear that he was going to use the guilt I felt to bully me into sex - all it took was him doing it once, and from then on any contact with him related to romance became terrifying. With him there wasn't even a middle ground - any kiss or hug had the potential to get sexual, and I'm not even going to talk about all the innocent cuddles where suddenly a hand was on my ass or chest.

For some couples, obstacles like this can be overcome and the two of you will be stronger for it. I genuinely hope you two and work things out, or that if in the end it isn't going to work and you aren't genuinely compatible at all, that you are both strong enough to recognize and admit it, and let each other go. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if things don't work out between you maybe you should part ways and just keep in touch.

[Guest]

I genuinely hope you two and work things out, or that if in the end it isn't going to work and you aren't genuinely compatible at all, that you are both strong enough to recognize and admit it, and let each other go. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if things don't work out between you maybe you should part ways and just keep in touch.

I think turning a relationship into a friendship kills both people much more than stopping hearing each other, but that's just how I see it.

[Zoe Doll]

I genuinely hope you two and work things out, or that if in the end it isn't going to work and you aren't genuinely compatible at all, that you are both strong enough to recognize and admit it, and let each other go. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if things don't work out between you maybe you should part ways and just keep in touch.

I think turning a relationship into a friendship kills both people much more than stopping hearing each other, but that's just how I see it.

In my experience it isn't impossible, and is better in the end. After I ended my romantic relationship with my girlfriend, things were rough for a while, yes, but a couple years later? She's my absolute best friend, and I feel like I can love her like we should have loved each other all along. Now that we don't have the strain of trying to merge our lives totally, we're closer than ever.

It certainly does not work for everyone. It does not happen immediately for those who do manage to make it work. If there isn't any love left, then there's nothing wrong with parting ways and letting it die.

[BlackRose]

I genuinely hope you two and work things out, or that if in the end it isn't going to work and you aren't genuinely compatible at all, that you are both strong enough to recognize and admit it, and let each other go. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if things don't work out between you maybe you should part ways and just keep in touch.

I think turning a relationship into a friendship kills both people much more than stopping hearing each other, but that's just how I see it.

Huh? Why?

[Larien]

I genuinely hope you two and work things out, or that if in the end it isn't going to work and you aren't genuinely compatible at all, that you are both strong enough to recognize and admit it, and let each other go. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if things don't work out between you maybe you should part ways and just keep in touch.

I think turning a relationship into a friendship kills both people much more than stopping hearing each other, but that's just how I see it.

Hmm, it probably depends on the specific people involved. My ex and I are still pretty close (we were engaged for a year and a half but we've known each other for around four years now), and we see each other often, but to my awareness nobody feels any pain because of it. We didn't break up because of my aceness though - we broke up because we didn't want the same things out of our futures. It's just nice to know that I still have people around who accept me (more or less) for who I am, and that there are people who are still willing to help me out when I need it, and vice versa. ^_^

Granted, while it works with the two of us specifically, I know a lot more people who would have difficulty managing dynamics like these. But if the breakup would be perfectly mutual then I don't see why friendship couldn't work out. To each their own, I suppose.

To the OP - I never really feel guilty because I'm not repulsed enough by sex to not participate, I guess. As long as I feel respected as a person, rather than as an object of someone else's gratification, stuff doesn't bother me.

[Lady Heartilly]

Yes, I absolutely feel guilty. In one situation, I ended it because he claimed to understand, but he constantly talked about how much pain he was in from not having sex and made very obvious physical signs of having to hold himself back. I realized he wasn't okay with it at all, so I broke up with him. In another situation, I ended the relationship for entirely unrelated reasons, but that one didn't hurt either. The person I'm with now is genuinely understanding and never tries to make me feel guilty at all. For that reason I'm willing to come to some sort compromise because I know he would stop immediately if he thought I was the least bit uncomfortable, despite any pleasure he may be experiencing. However, for those same reasons, he doesn't even want to compromise and just continue not having sex with me. I just know he's the one, partially because of that, but I still can't help feeling a little guilty for not being able to fully satisfy him.

[Guest]

Granted, while it works with the two of us specifically, I know a lot more people who would have difficulty managing dynamics like these. But if the breakup would be perfectly mutual then I don't see why friendship couldn't work out. To each their own, I suppose.

Hmm. I often hear about ex-couples who keep being friends later on, and I agree a mutual breakup would make it possible. However, what I feel is that friendship and love are totally separated. Maybe it's just my personal experience; but I'd never date my best friend, nor accept to keep a friendship with the one I love after a breakup.

They're just... two different feelings for me. And they've never been interchangeable for my own heart.

[Pamcakes]

Plenty of Aces feel guilty for "denying" their partner an important need.

Many Sexual people feel guilty for having that need, and the pressure it places on their Ace partner.

As long as both do their utmost to be respectful and considerate of the needs their partner does have, neither are being selfish or have any cause for guilt by asserting their own needs, but it is an unfortunate fact that, even though it is, in this situation, no-one's fault, either someone is going to end up compromising (with varying degrees of comfort, satisfaction and similarly-evaluated "emotional success"), or those needs are going to prove mutually incompatible.

P.

[Sally]

Plenty of Aces feel guilty for "denying" their partner an important need.

Many Sexual people feel guilty for having that need, and the pressure it places on their Ace partner.

As long as both do their utmost to be respectful and considerate of the needs their partner does have, neither are being selfish or have any cause for guilt by asserting their own needs, but it is an unfortunate fact that, even though it is, in this situation, no-one's fault, either someone is going to end up compromising (with varying degrees of comfort, satisfaction and similarly-evaluated "emotional success"), or those needs are going to prove mutually incompatible.

P.

Yup. Guilt is hard to get around and so is unhappiness.

[Lady Girl]

Plenty of Aces feel guilty for "denying" their partner an important need.

Many Sexual people feel guilty for having that need, and the pressure it places on their Ace partner.

As long as both do their utmost to be respectful and considerate of the needs their partner does have, neither are being selfish or have any cause for guilt by asserting their own needs, but it is an unfortunate fact that, even though it is, in this situation, no-one's fault, either someone is going to end up compromising (with varying degrees of comfort, satisfaction and similarly-evaluated "emotional success"), or those needs are going to prove mutually incompatible.

P.

Yup. Guilt is hard to get around and so is unhappiness.

You are both my AVEN look to's! So well said, and thanks for being here/ posting like you do...very thoughtful in many ways.

[Sally]

Plenty of Aces feel guilty for "denying" their partner an important need.

Many Sexual people feel guilty for having that need, and the pressure it places on their Ace partner.

As long as both do their utmost to be respectful and considerate of the needs their partner does have, neither are being selfish or have any cause for guilt by asserting their own needs, but it is an unfortunate fact that, even though it is, in this situation, no-one's fault, either someone is going to end up compromising (with varying degrees of comfort, satisfaction and similarly-evaluated "emotional success"), or those needs are going to prove mutually incompatible.

P.

Yup. Guilt is hard to get around and so is unhappiness.

You are both my AVEN look to's! So well said, and thanks for being here/ posting like you do...very thoughtful in many ways.

Thank you, Ladygirl -- that's very sweet. :redface:

[Conquerdontbow]

Thank you, and thanks for the cake :)!

I was very up front with him about being a highly sexual person on our first date. I'm a very forward person because I feel it is everybody's best interests to be, especially in the dating world, 'cause that's a scary minefield and people's emotions are on the line. He seemed into sex... at first. But, after I moved in with him, that all ground to nearly a halt. I pieced together he was asexual over the years via his actions and comments. The biggest clue came when he said to me "I just don't understand why sex is important in a relationship". He doesn't understand how sex is (to a sexual person) an integral bonding exercise in a romantic relationship, and that is one of a few things that distinguish a romantic relationship from a "Just Friends" or roommate situation. He doesn't even like to be naked in front of me! This is how I figured it out after years of pain, feeling like he completely pulled a bait and switch on me and feeling like I'm hideous and undesireable, and me nearly cheating on him.

This sounds a lot like my current boyfriend and I. He is extremely sexual and I feel really guilty that I cannot satisfy him, and I really wish I could. He's also very understanding though, and I have kind of made myself guilty.

However, I commend you on how maturely you're handling the situation, instead of just leaving him. I guess that didn't really help but that's my reaction to this. :P Welcome. :3

[BlackRose]

This sounds a lot like my current boyfriend and I. He is extremely sexual and I feel really guilty that I cannot satisfy him, and I really wish I could. He's also very understanding though, and I have kind of made myself guilty.

However, I commend you on how maturely you're handling the situation, instead of just leaving him. I guess that didn't really help but that's my reaction to this. :P Welcome. :3

I don't think it's immature to leave a relationship with a large incompatibility. I mean, if people want to stay and work it out, and it works for them, that's totally cool, but if people decide that it won't work for them and they want to leave, there's nothing wrong with that.

[Conquerdontbow]

I don't think it's immature to leave a relationship with a large incompatibility. I mean, if people want to stay and work it out, and it works for them, that's totally cool, but if people decide that it won't work for them and they want to leave, there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh wow, I've never actually thought of it as a large incompatibility. I like that way of looking at it :3

[Pamcakes]

Plenty of Aces feel guilty for "denying" their partner an important need.

Many Sexual people feel guilty for having that need, and the pressure it places on their Ace partner.

As long as both do their utmost to be respectful and considerate of the needs their partner does have, neither are being selfish or have any cause for guilt by asserting their own needs, but it is an unfortunate fact that, even though it is, in this situation, no-one's fault, either someone is going to end up compromising (with varying degrees of comfort, satisfaction and similarly-evaluated "emotional success"), or those needs are going to prove mutually incompatible.

P.

Yup. Guilt is hard to get around and so is unhappiness.

You are both my AVEN look to's! So well said, and thanks for being here/ posting like you do...very thoughtful in many ways.

Delighted to be of service. :)

P.

[BlackRose]

I don't think it's immature to leave a relationship with a large incompatibility. I mean, if people want to stay and work it out, and it works for them, that's totally cool, but if people decide that it won't work for them and they want to leave, there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh wow, I've never actually thought of it as a large incompatibility. I like that way of looking at it :3

Yeah... it's not anyone's fault, but if sex is very important to one person and not to the other, or if there are mismatched sex drives, the people might just be too incompatible to make it work. It doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong or that either person is bad.

[Conquerdontbow]

Yeah... it's not anyone's fault, but if sex is very important to one person and not to the other, or if there are mismatched sex drives, the people might just be too incompatible to make it work. It doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong or that either person is bad.

You're right. I've been told my whole life that it's always someone's "fault" and I'm trying to change that. In high school there's always someone looking like the bad guy, and that's a habit/way of thinking I try to avoid, though I guess I do it subconsciously. What you said is really well put and makes a lot more sense.

[Hpets]

Yup. I feel guilty when we don't have enough sex. He feels guilty when we have too much sex. And we both feel bad until we actually talk about it and remind each other that we're both perfectly happy to make the compromise for one another. ^_^ Ah communication.

[indigowulf]

Wow, this thread is making me feel like the luckiest girl. My bf is not adverse to sex even if it doesn't fill some need for him. I only really feel a 'need' for myself a couple days a month average, but enjoy it other times. Just knowing that he doesn't have to have any negative feelings about sex with me makes me happy. I'd hate to have him feel guilty on my behalf. I'm so happy we seem to be able to compromise to a point we can both be happy.

I don't think asking him if he feels guilty for not satisfying you is a good idea. It seems like the question alone would be a guilt trip. Perhaps find a more diplomatic way of approaching the topic?