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Lesbian in a relationship with a possible Asexual...help!


lesbro

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Hello, first post here! I'm not sure where to began, and I'll try to keep it brief!

After a year or so of us beating around the bush, my current girlfriend and I finally started dating somewhere around last October. (There were some issues with distance and other things which aren't relevant right now.) We met a few years ago and clicked immediately, so we've also been very close for awhile. She's a wonderful girl, I really couldn't ask for a better partner than her.

The bumpy parts in our relationship have stemmed from intimacy...or lack of. I love physical affection with someone I'm close to, unfortunately she doesn't feel the same way. This means no cuddling, kissing, etc., and sex is out of the question. She has assured me this doesn't mean she doesn't love me, and I know this is true.

This is a very upsetting situation, I feel as though I'm just in an intimate friendship.

Another big strain on our relationship is the secrecy of it. Only a few friends from our hometown are aware, otherwise this is kept entirely secret. Family is understandably out of the question as she would without a doubt be disowned.

Long story short, in a secret relationship with girlfriend, she has no interest in physical contact and the few times we've fooled around have been to make me happy, not for her pleasure as I later found out. :( If there is anyone else out there who's sexual and with an asexual partner (or vice versa), please help!!

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I'm sorry you're in such an upsetting situation. I have been the asexual partner in a asexual-sexual relationship and it's hard. (though I'm actually demisexual so the issues were slightly different)

It sounds like you're not happy with how your relationship is working, have you talked to your girlfriend about that?

Do you have anything particular you were wanting help with?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey. Well, I'm not in a relationship but thought I'd reply anyway.

Firstly why is your relationship so secretive? Why don't all your friends know? I can understand about family if they're going to react negatively, you don't get to pick them. You do get to pick your friends though, so pick someone you trust, who lives in your town preferably, and tell them. Building a support network of friends is important.

Does your gf see that there is a problem? Cus the next step after confiding in friends is talking to her. If she doesn't see that there is a problem you need to explain your feelings to her clearly, but try not to get blamey or accusatory. Writing a letter might be a better way to do this as you can re-write it as many times as you need. You don't even have to send the letter but putting stuff like that on paper makes it easier to structure a conversation in your mind.

If she does think there's a problem is she having problems with the relationship too or does she just feel bad for not being everything you'd like?

I can't tell you what to say or do but compromise it key. I don't think its unreasonable for you to ask you partner to indulge your desire for kissing or cuddling occasionally, would you feel as bad about her doing this for you despite not really wanting it? Could you get over that? If you can't get over that then I have to say I don't think you'll be able to resolve anything. Asexual people often compromise with their partners when it comes to physical affection and sex. They do it because they care about their partner's feelings and want to make them happy.

Obvioulsy some people have a line they cannot cross with this and its important to know what your gf's might be so you don't end up going further than she consents to. But the point is that you have to get over feeling so bad about this. Your asexual partner isn't ever going to just start wanting sex or physical affection because she doesn't need it from you. End of story. There is nothing you can do to change that. If you can't accept that then you'll have to conign yourself to a life without sex/kissing/cuddling etc. or end the relationship.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but theres no point fooling yourself this girl will change and become sexual suddenly.

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