Mountain House Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 They are new to the group, start reading the thread, come across something that relates, and comment without checking the date. I have a few t-shirts. ☺️ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Windmills of My Mind Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 On 3/2/2023 at 2:24 PM, Mountain House said: I have a few t-shirts. ☺️ 😄 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 On 3/2/2023 at 8:24 AM, Mountain House said: They are new to the group, start reading the thread, come across something that relates, and comment without checking the date. I have a few t-shirts. ☺️ Or they accidentally hit the double arrow on mobile rather than prev and end up on the first page without realizing it. I have that t-shirt, 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NaNae70 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 I am new to the site, but can absolutely relate to MKT and am so glad that you shared your journey--I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because I was reading my story through another person's words. When you posted that you believe that just as us "sexuals" must compromise and be understanding, I am in the uncomfortable position of realizing my asexual partner just doesn't see the need to address the issue, figure out what each of us can do to make sure both of our needs are met, and even gets angry when I try to communicate. What he has shared with me is that once we are intimate, he actually enjoys it, so I have some comfort of knowing that I'm not forcing him to do something that is making his skin crawl. But in the same breath, he tells me he can go the rest of his life without it. So I'm over here feeling frustrated, and a little "taken for granted" that for this relationship to work, I have to give up a very important part of me. I had childhood trauma involving sexual abuse, and it wasn't until my 30's that I realized that I can address it, let got of the guilt and know that it doesn't define me. I also dove into the wellness industry and realized many things about my body and became much more free to express my sexuality--and it felt great! I can't believe it took me so long to get there, but now at 53 I like feeling my full existence as a woman, and sexual intimacy is part of that expression of myself. Thank you to this site--I feel it is a lifeline, and I will keep learning from it. And I will encourage my asexual partner to join, and find the information that may help him to be more open-minded so we can continue our journey as best friends who love each other very much. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CowGoGoMoo Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Hi, i wasnt quite sure if I should reach out and ask for just maybe some insight or im not sure but let me just explain my situation. My girlfriend came out to me as being apart of the ace-spectrum, didnt wanna say specific which one cause she feels more comfortable saying spectrum 100% understand. I understand and highly respect ace and literally any form of ace-spectrum like especially if its her. Im Bi and she/her/they. But my “issue” or fears, is well for one we are long distance we’ve never meant in person (yet) and Im scared. Im scared that how I use to talk or express my love will make her feel icky, or uncomfortable, that how I think about her isnt how she thinks about me. And making this clearer this is coming from an huge non-sexual way but intimate. Like if I said I wanted to kiss her(if i could) , she would lie and said she wanted to really that makes her feel icky or uncomfortable. Even thought she says i dont need to change anything or do anything different, I still cant help but feel like I have to be careful with how a talk, cause I still want to be her comfort and her space. But me and her are self-shippers, meaning we like to make art of our favorite fandom crushes. She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? She is an affectionate person, as am I but I cant help but get this thought of my head that im the disgusting person in this relationship because I may crave more intimate moments with her, one day. On top of the fact that when she did tell me today, mind you I knew for some time that she was probably ace, that all i can do was feel this sinking feeling in my chest, like how I express my love was going make her feel uncomfortable around me or just listening to me gush about loving her made her feel icky. I understand the term ace/ ace-spetrum but there is alot I don’t understand and im confused about , Im just scared at mostly, like Im only a glorified friend, even though we are a couple, I want to understand and support her more than anything but not feel this guilt in my chest that im doing something wrong. Hearing all this can anyone give me a little bit of reassurance or advice? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 7 hours ago, CowGoGoMoo said: She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? I would take it to mean she has no desire to actually engage in those activities with someone, and I'd imagine she means with you as well unless explicitly stated otherwise. I think you two should have some honest and thorough conversations about what you both want and expect in a relationship before you spend time together in person. She's the only one who can really answer the questions you have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Liara Posted Friday at 11:04 AM Share Posted Friday at 11:04 AM We can't answer, only she can. What her limits are, what she would like, what she doesn't want to do... Every ace person is different. She has to tell you that, she has to be specific. You can't guess for her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ollie415 Posted Friday at 07:41 PM Share Posted Friday at 07:41 PM 16 hours ago, CowGoGoMoo said: Hi, i wasnt quite sure if I should reach out and ask for just maybe some insight or im not sure but let me just explain my situation. My girlfriend came out to me as being apart of the ace-spectrum, didnt wanna say specific which one cause she feels more comfortable saying spectrum 100% understand. I understand and highly respect ace and literally any form of ace-spectrum like especially if its her. Im Bi and she/her/they. But my “issue” or fears, is well for one we are long distance we’ve never meant in person (yet) and Im scared. Im scared that how I use to talk or express my love will make her feel icky, or uncomfortable, that how I think about her isnt how she thinks about me. And making this clearer this is coming from an huge non-sexual way but intimate. Like if I said I wanted to kiss her(if i could) , she would lie and said she wanted to really that makes her feel icky or uncomfortable. Even thought she says i dont need to change anything or do anything different, I still cant help but feel like I have to be careful with how a talk, cause I still want to be her comfort and her space. But me and her are self-shippers, meaning we like to make art of our favorite fandom crushes. She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? She is an affectionate person, as am I but I cant help but get this thought of my head that im the disgusting person in this relationship because I may crave more intimate moments with her, one day. On top of the fact that when she did tell me today, mind you I knew for some time that she was probably ace, that all i can do was feel this sinking feeling in my chest, like how I express my love was going make her feel uncomfortable around me or just listening to me gush about loving her made her feel icky. I understand the term ace/ ace-spetrum but there is alot I don’t understand and im confused about , Im just scared at mostly, like Im only a glorified friend, even though we are a couple, I want to understand and support her more than anything but not feel this guilt in my chest that im doing something wrong. Hearing all this can anyone give me a little bit of reassurance or advice? Hey, welcome, it’s understandable you would have these questions. It’s completely reasonable to just come out and ask your partner them. Will it be weird and awkward? Possibly, but almost certainly not as weird and awkward as never speaking up and then meeting face to face and still having these questions and not knowing what to do. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpMd Posted Sunday at 01:05 AM Share Posted Sunday at 01:05 AM I'm so incredible thankful to find this forum. I have a wonderful marriage in just about every respect. I love my wife very much and she's my best friend. However, we have very little to no sex and I've long struggled with understanding what happened. I had a higher than average libido when we first met. She seemed to mainly follow my lead, with some occasional initiation of her own. But there were some signs early on that she just wasn't into sex as much, not just with me, but with anyone. I took that as just the general difference between men and women, and sought to up my own efforts to satisfy her more than her past sexual relationships. But over time, I realized the divide was much higher than I ever could imagine. I'd go long stretches of time just waiting until she would "catch up" in her desire to have sex with me. That she'd eventually miss it and initiate something herself. But it never happened. She's more than content in simply never doing it. She's okay with scheduling sex and sees this as something I should be reasonably be satisfied with. But I realize this is much more of a going-through-the-motions thing for her. And I just don't want that for her, or me. I learned of the term "asexual" only recently and everything just started to click. It's why I don't really resent her for this as I just don't feel like she can empathize where I'm coming from. I've more recently discussed seeing if there were a way I could have sex with someone outside the marriage, but in some more detached, no-strings-attached way. Like having a buddy who enjoys a similar activity but isn't in your every day. I don't pretend to know how that would work or even if it would. I just know I think about it more lately. Her concern, understandably, is that even if she trusts I could keep it detached and mainly physical, it doesn't mean the partner would. Again, I really, really love my wife and am very happy in our life together save this difficulty. And for a while I thought I was adapting to all this given my libido has dropped a little more as I've entered middle age. But the truth is that it still very much lingers with me and it's hard to accept my sex life could effectively be over. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted Sunday at 05:21 AM Share Posted Sunday at 05:21 AM 4 hours ago, SpMd said: I'm so incredible thankful to find this forum Welcome @SpMd, I see you made the jump. 😉 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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