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Lady Girl

Background : my wife was abused by an uncle when she was in her early teens. When i met her she was 20 abd had been with one steady boyfriend before me. They had sex missionary stile usually with their clothes on fairly regularly. Thats it. She recently confided to me that in fact she had neverseen an actual adult penis until she saw mine. She said she never looked and they didnt get naked. She had never touched one until mine and that was because i asked her too repeatedly and she acted like she was picking up a live rattkesnake or something. She has NEVER masturbated and won't even touch herself unless she has to.

I felt that if you guys were interested in giving me your opinions and insight that you should probably know more.

So...know I'm outnumbered but here goes...my wife does not need or want intimacy during sex to be fulfilled . I Do need intimacy during sex to be fulfilled. Her needs are exactly as important as mine, and vice versa. Correct? We have been together 12 years. In those twelve years we have made love let's say 200 times. Of those 200 times exactly 200 of them have been completely her way. I have shut my mouth and everything goes exactly as she wants it 100% of the time. Never ever one time has she even made an effort to try anything other than what her comfort zone is. Which is lay down - do it quick as possible- and get up. No kissing, no foreplay, no oral , no nothing. So please one of you tell me just how it is that I am wrong to expect her to be the one to give just one damn time.Just one. Take a chance, are you afraid you might like it? Heaven forbid.

So now everybody tell me all about how I'm supposed to understand and give and give and give. Well I been giving and I'm just about give in and give up. Is it too much for her to give any at all, ever?

I'm not trying to pick on you, but there's an example in your own post of her going out of her comfort zone. I know it seems normal to you...but it obviously doesn't to her.

Anyway, I'm not saying that you should just give give give, but if you want her to do things to sexually please you that she doesn't want to do, then yes, it is "too much for her to give any at all, ever."

And please, don't think I have no sympathy for you (I struggled with frustration and sadness in my marriage for 25 years, so I can actually relate to your feelings of unfairness and heartache). But the bottom line is, we are married to people who have indicated to us that they don't really want sexual relations (and some of the things that typically accompany that). They might have sex with us, but honestly, our feelings of wanting them to want us can't create that kind of desire in them.

I can't say how your wife actually feels about it, but this post in the Welcome Lounge reminded me of your story.

Hi. I've only just found AVEN, so please forgive me! I'm a 30 year old woman and have been married to my (heterosexual) husband for 5 years (together for 10). We now have two small children aged 2 and 4.

Throughout my life I have never experienced any sexual attraction; however I have always had the desire to enter into a close loving relationship (hence the hubby!) Perhaps, naively, I thought that some 'desire' would just 'kick in' if I only tried a bit harder. Recently however I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the sexual demands that my marriage inevitably involves.

I find having sex (and even kissing) intolerable. I have never enjoyed or wanted sex, yet I have (for ten years) gone along with the pretence of enjoying it in order to please the one I love the most in the world. I don't know what to do. Every other aspect of our lives together is so happy but I find sex absolutely revolting. I wonder whether it would be best to confess my feelings to him, leaving him free to find someone new to share (all aspects) of his life with. He is a lovely person and would be absolutely horrified to know how I really feel before, during and after we have sex. Or should I just put up with my lot, I chose it after all.

I wish they'd covered Asexuality in sex ed at school....I would have figured out who I was soooo much sooner - and have avoided causing so much pain to the people I love :( I just didn't known who I was.....

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TheFrozenHeart

Hello everyone, sexual here.

A bit about myself: I find it difficult to have a relationship with anyone. There are plenty of reasons why, but for the purposes of this post, let's just leave it there, haha. I recently found someone who I could have a wonderful relationship with, given time. Then we hit a "snag," so to speak. See I'm an extremely sexual person. I have an obscene sex drive, even for a male. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has never even been aroused in her entire life. To me, sex is the greatest expression of closeness. It's a way to form an emotional bond between two people with the act of giving the other person pleasure. For me, it's an expression of my affection for the other person. I, like many asexual people, find sex to be gross at a base level. I can understand that. But the romantic aspect of that overwhelms that thought by a considerable amount.

My girlfriend believes sex to be repulsive and painful. We have never done anything. Even kissing is uncomfortable for her, and I have never pushed the issue, ever. I probably won't, not for a long time. For now, since this is her first relationship, and my first one where I care for the other person, I want her to take things at her own pace. But there is that chance she might be asexual, and it's not a question of maturity or a matter of comfort in the relationship. She says that for the forseeable future, she doesn't see herself having sex. She does, however, enjoy cuddling and hugs as much as I do, which is a hell of a lot. So that,'s definitely staving off my need to address the concern.

*IF* it comes to the possibility that she is asexual, I am not sure how I could handle it. Seeing some of the posts here, I see sexual people who are unhappy, but going with their "lot" in life. Trying to find a way through what they are biologically hardwired to do. Asking her to have sex with me because I need it would be outside of HER comfort zone. To me, NOT being sexual would be outside of MY comfort zone. I wouldn't even enjoy it anyhow because for me it's all about the emotion. Hell, I'm practically panicking just thinking about it. But I REALLY like this girl. I want this to work really, really badly. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to push her away because I'm a hormonal, needy, late bloomer. I don't want to hurt her like she has been hurt so many times in the past, or like I have.

To put it into perspective, for all of you asexuals out there, for someone like me, the situation feels sort of like this:
- You are still your asexual self, and have no desire for sex. Meanwhile your partner constantly wants sex.
- You don't say anything because you value your relationship highly, and just go along with your partner, as their feelings are important to you.
- That constant sex drive of your partner never goes down. Damn. Are you going to have to put up with this forever? How can you tell your partner that this is starting to interfere with your happiness and view of self? You feel wanted because of your body, and the rest does not matter.
- Where do I draw the line and say enough is enough?

For me, this is my thought poscess, but replacing asexuality with sexuality. I want deep, emotional sex, but my partner isn't ready to try yet. I don't say anything because this relationship matters to me, but every denied attempt is bothersome. It's happening so often that it's starting to weigh on my mind that I am not worth it to her. That I am not good enough. That having that kind of emotional connection with me isn't worth her time. I can see it from her perspective, but it seems that in this situation, I'm the only one who has to kill my desires and a part of myself. Isn't it supposed to be a compromise? Tell me if I'm looking at this wrong, but I don't know how to make this work, and I desperately don't want to break her heart or mine over this.

So here is my question to you girls and guys: First off, is there any chance she is not asexual, and there is just something else along the spectrum she falls into? Could it actually be her lack of experience? What are our options for comprimise? I can understand her perspective, but I have my own needs. She is an amazing person in all respects, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy, yet there must be a place where I draw the line. Where is that?

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Sally

My girlfriend, on the other hand, has never even been aroused in her entire life...

My girlfriend believes sex to be repulsive and painful...

She says that for the forseeable future, she doesn't see herself having sex.

I think that although it is painful for you to see this dissonance between what the two of you want/need, you should believe her when she says the above.

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Tarfeather

Take a chance, are you afraid you might like it? Heaven forbid.

I can't speak for your partner, of course, but in the case of my girlfriend, that's exactly what it is. She's been somewhat open to experiment with sexual things at the very beginning of our relationship. Basically what she told me was that if I enjoyed it and she was merely bored, she didn't see the harm in it. Ironically, she "came out" as asexual after the first time she'd ever been aroused by me. And ever since she's tried hard to avoid a situation where she could be aroused again. I didn't understand that for quite some time, so obviously all my attempts to find some middle ground with her regarding sexuality were futile. It's only now that I understand that the middle ground would have to involve her not getting aroused, as weird as that sounds to us sexuals.

Anyway, your partner may have a similar mindset. You should ask her, and respect what she says (or break off the relationship if it's too much to ask, I certainly won't blame you). It is largely a mental thing, and changing that at all would require a lot of trust, good will, effort and time.

So here is my question to you girls and guys: First off, is there any chance she is not asexual, and there is just something else along the spectrum she falls into?

I know very well what you feel like, but I believe it's in your best interest to assume she's asexual. You need to work on the basis that she doesn't and will not enjoy sex the way you do.

What are our options for comprimise? I can understand her perspective, but I have my own needs.

That is something only she can tell you. Every asexual is an individual as well and will have different boundaries and so on. The thing I'd suggest to you right now is to find out more about how she feels about sexuality and in what way she's repulsed.

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TheFrozenHeart

Thanks Sally, I think I needed to hear some confirmation because she always says she is not sure if she is asexual or if it is her lack of experience with "all things relationship" haha. Really, I myself see sexuality as being fluid, so I suppose the only thing I can do is wait and see where exactly she draws her line. As Tarfeather said, if I work off the assumption that she is asexual, then I can start to really work things out with her and get to the heart of the issue.

I typed this late at night yesterday (today?), but I did some thinking before I finally nodded off to sleep, and I'll try to work on this with her. Find out where her boundaries are, and see if we can work out some of the aspects of what is uncomfortable to her, and look into ways for me to deal with my own near-constant urges. I want this to work, I really do. I read through a lot of the forum, and there seem to be all sorts of ranges of asexuals. Some who have overcome their negative reactions towards sex and view it as satisfying their partner, some who do not initiate it but enjoy it, some who are too afraid to try, some who limit their activity, but do make an attempt, and a myriad of other ways.

Thanks for your advice, I'm going to go cuddle her and talk to her later today and see if we can both move towards a middle ground somewhere. I want to try to understand how hugging and cuddling are so intimate for her, maybe I can change the way I think to better match her, and she can meet me halfway or something? Anywho, this would have to be resolved by her and me, so further speculation is just an unnecessary stress. Thanks again for your help!

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Down in Texas

Take a chance, are you afraid you might like it? Heaven forbid.

I can't speak for your partner, of course, but in the case of my girlfriend, that's exactly what it is. She's been somewhat open to experiment with sexual things at the very beginning of our relationship. Basically what she told me was that if I enjoyed it and she was merely bored, she didn't see the harm in it. Ironically, she "came out" as asexual after the first time she'd ever been aroused by me. And ever since she's tried hard to avoid a situation where she could be aroused again. I didn't understand that for quite some time, so obviously all my attempts to find some middle ground with her regarding sexuality were futile. It's only now that I understand that the middle ground would have to involve her not getting aroused, as weird as that sounds to us sexuals.

Anyway, your partner may have a similar mindset. You should ask her, and respect what she says (or break off the relationship if it's too much to ask, I certainly won't blame you). It is largely a mental thing, and changing that at all would require a lot of trust, good will, effort and time.

So here is my question to you girls and guys: First off, is there any chance she is not asexual, and there is just something else along the spectrum she falls into?

I know very well what you feel like, but I believe it's in your best interest to assume she's asexual. You need to work on the basis that she doesn't and will not enjoy sex the way you do.

What are our options for comprimise? I can understand her perspective, but I have my own needs.

That is something only she can tell you. Every asexual is an individual as well and will have different boundaries and so on. The thing I'd suggest to you right now is to find out more about how she feels about sexuality and in what way she's repulsed.

Possible TMI

To all of the parties involved in the above scenarios: My thoughts and only speaking from my own life experiences; I know now that if I had known of the sexual disparities in our relationship at the beginning, I would never have married my partner. The problem I had was that back then you did not have sex before marriage. We dated for close to two years and yes sex was discussed including the desire of him wanting children (at the time he wanted more than I did); he acted on dates as if he were as sexual as I was, at that period. We "made out" as it was refereed to back then, he was a full participant touching just about every inch of each other only though clothes for we were fully dressed other than reaching in to touch some parts thought open buttons and zippers. The problem for us began as soon as we said our "I Do’s" it was as if a light switch had been flipped. It was as if "she’s mine now I don't need to do any of that anymore" the “making out” sessions were never to be seen or participated in again. However, I was never told nor shown any sign of displeasure prior, so it came as a great surprise that sex or any part of it was uncomfortable or disliked in any way before we were married. This left we with so many questions. I was lost! Three days into our marriage and still nothing, no kisses as before, no hugging as before, No "making out" as before and still NO SEX. I had no answers! I didn't know WHY! I broke down and cried lying in bed that night beside him in the hotel bed, I ask him, what was wrong; his answer was "Nothing". Then WHY have we not had any sex? So he held me while I cried saying shh shh its ok, we kissed and sex was swift and over in just a few minutes minus all the cuddles, kisses and touches that had been part of our "make out" sessions before marriage. As time progressed it became clear that I was to always be the initiator. As long as I started things even though he would reject my advances sometimes, sex was ok. It was not as often as I would have liked and was often just short and sweet no foreplay just arousal and completion. Little did I know at the time and only found out some 35+ years later that while I was waiting for him so that we could have sex; he was taking care of his own needs by himself behind the locked door of the bathroom. So when he came to bed and I would make advances he turned me down saying things in the beginning like "we can't have sex that often or I will run out of sperm". Being young, not knowing any better at the time I believed him. I thought he knew more about the functions of his male’s body than I did. So I set out on a mission to learn about sex and the male body and its functions. There was a popular book back then titled "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Was Afraid to Ask". I set out to find this book, being shy and embarrassed to ask, it took me days before finally ask an older woman for help finding my book. It clarified a lot of questions except for the most important one for me back then, "why does a husband not want sex?" It took 38 years before that answer was finally found and many many books. Yet not one of those books talked about asexuality and one book suggested that the problem may be that I was too aggressive and was robbing him of his masculinity, that I needed to back off and allow him to make the first move. That turned out to be the worst advice I ever had and was the beginning of the end of our sex life. He never made any attempt at sex and asks why I no longer wanted him. Not knowing any better at the time I ask “him how does it feel?” then I explained and showed him the actual printed page in the book. He then told me he didn’t know how to start so he never did. It took finding this site to finally understand and know the "WHY".

So My advice is being sure you can life with this and/or less, because less is what happened for me. Once time went by and my partners became more comfortable with his denials and my acceptance of his denial them, sex became less and less. Now he has ED, Now sex is pretty nonexistent and what little there is is nothing more than simple non emotional, non-mutually fulfilling, non-romantic it is simple sex. Sex happens maybe once every two or three months, initiated by him and takes more work on my part to get him hard enough (due to his problem with ED) often ending in him cumming without ever getting close to his intentions of going in me (which is his desire not mine). Once he has ejaculated he is finished whether I am or not, it is simply over. When this happens and he ejaculates before he is able to go in me he becomes very upset with himself and I have to soothe him and console him yet he never seems to see that I did not get what he set out to try and give me.

So think hard! Can you be happy with things the way they are? If not, and if you are not LEGALLY committed to this relationship and there are no children involved, then now is the time to decide!!! Not years later but NOW! Can you live with things the way they are or not?

If you choose to stay then you have a lot to learn and a lot to get use to not having. In my case the longer I have been with him the more LOVE he has for me but less sex. For my husband the two are not mix. Sex is a duty for him it is something he needs to do for me. (yes he gets pleasure from it however with his problem of ED now he is only focused on the pleasure of his own release there is not a need to make sure I receive pleasure he is completely focused on his worry and fear that he will not be able to stay hard long enough to reach his own release and usually the minute he attempt to enter me he loses his erection and then becomes very upset at himself [yes his choice not mine]) Sex is not because he needs it but because he knows I enjoy it, he wants to in his words give me what I deserve. The problem comes with the difference in the meaning of sex between my Gray-A and I. For me the two are meshed together into one in a relationship, for him they are two distinctly different things. For me sex no longer holds the things I desire and I had just as soon do without than have the disappointment that now goes along with his attempts. However I continue to allow him to try to give to me what he thinks he needs to give. So for me the roles have reversed. I had just as soon sex be over. Yet his need to try and give me what he knows has meant so much to me throughout our marriage makes me accept and allows him to continue to try.

I am sorry my replies are often long, I feel I must explain why I make the remarks I do and how I came to think the way I do. I make none of these remarks as general remarks that apply to any or all other Gray-A’s. I am simply going from my experience with MY partner.

I do not know why the print is so large if you can fix it please do so. I wrote it in word then pasted it her have done that many times in the past and never had this problem. Sorry and Thanks if you can fix it.

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TheFrozenHeart

Well, I'm glad I'm addressing the issue now. Thanks for the advice Down in Texas. I'm going to hold off for a little while in making the decision, since we are working towards compromise at the moment. She is going to try to get more comfortable with me, and I am not going to push the issue and make her feel at ease any way I can. As she gets used to it, I'll let her slowly expand her own boundaries in a way that makes her feel comfortable and happy in the relationship. If she hits a wall, I'll see if I can help her over it, and if not, I'll re-evaluate and see, like you said, if I can handle that for the rest of my life. Even so, I want to wait until we are emotionally closer. I want to give this a shot and not let my sex drive ruin everything. She is worth at least giving a real shot at making this work. Thanks again for all your advice and support everyone, hopefully all goes well!

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closetPonyfan

Sorry there are so many posts I couldn't possibly read them all. But what BW said speaks to me quite a bit as well as the post from new guy 35 near the top. My wife and I fought hard to keep ourselves from having sex until after we were married. More than one make out session on the couch was ended because either one of us were getting too worked up. But less than a year into our marriage she came to the realization that she is asexual.

I know all too well the irrational fear of "what if she finds someone else who can make her want sex? Maybe she was just switched off because when we finally did have sex it wasn't good for her. Or even if she doesn't ever feel attraction to someone else, wouldn't she naturally want to try experimenting with other sexual partners, men or women, to affirm her conclusion about herself?

I have to trust that she wouldn't do that to me. And I often feel ashamed that it ever occurred to me to not trust in her. But at the same time I struggle with the fear that maybe one day she won't be a ought for me. Maybe the frustration only ever grows until I turn into an alcoholic like my Old Man and start sneaking around with another woman at a bar. I tell myself that can't ever happened. I'd shoot my own manhood off before I ever even held another person romantically.

But I do wonder if maybe we rushed into this marriage too quickly. I won't go so far as to say that I regret it, or wouldn't have done it if I knew how it would turn out. I do love her very deeply, but it's just so hard to not feel dejected when she doesn't want to share the emotional and spiritual connection that sex means to me. I want to make a longer post but I gtg, my lunch break is over.

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Mozzie

So I'm in need of a little help, I met this girl and we had been talking for quite awhile when she had told was asexual, to be honest I didn't mind at first, it seemed ok but then it slowly dawned on me that sex would probably not be on the table. It's a scary thought but to be honest I don't mind, but accepting something is always harder as time goes on, until you come to terms with it. I don't actually know how to do this to be completely honest but I do want to learn or get help with it because I have really strong feelings for her and I don't want the relationship to fall apart just because there wasn't any sex. Initially it was ok, and then as I actually realised that sex was extremely unlikely, I kind of got into a depressed state. But I have noticed the more we talk about it and are honest with each other regarding it, it helps a hell of a lot. Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm writing this late at night because it's the first time I've been able to.

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tm1775

To Mozzie: I understand exactly where you are at in your relationship. I am right there with you. At first I thought, "It's just sex, no big deal" and secretly hoped something would change. But as time has passed it is tougher to stay positive about it and that the chance of anything happening is 0.

For me communication is the biggest key. With my Ace gf I have found as long as we talk about things openly and honestly it alleviates a lot of my concerns. I still have the same fears the previous poster had and I do wish sharing, what I consider a very close, personal connection with her that I get through sex, but I have to find other ways to get that connection.

You aren't alone. Talk to her, keep the communication line open, but also be honest with yourself. If it becomes something you don't think you can do or want to be part of then know that it is ok to end it.

I wish you the best of luck-

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@-wits-end

In trying to rationalize our differences and understand the A's point of view, sometimes funny things pop into my head...It is hard for me to understand how an A can identify as being hetero, but still be repulsed by the idea of sex with their hetero partner.... This brings up a funny conversation that I was 3rd party to at work. Two of the guys I work with were fantasizing about having sex with a lady at work and eventually it morphed into them having a threesome with her. The amusing dilemma became, that despite being able to be at opposite ends of her having heterosexual sex, no matter what position they could think of, they would both be within the personal space of the other and able to see each other's face while having sex. This, although amusing, was enough of a buzz-kill to end everything right there......Sooo, it kind of seems like even hetero sex for an asexual who is repulsive is pretty much similar to the idea of homo sex would be to a hetero. [is that a fair assessment ?]...... I remember a couple of earlier posts where certain people said that they could enjoy sex as long as they didn't look at their partner, and it kinda sounds like this story as well.....Hmmm, still a lot of contemplation.

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Sally

In trying to rationalize our differences and understand the A's point of view, sometimes funny things pop into my head...It is hard for me to understand how an A can identify as being hetero, but still be repulsed by the idea of sex with their hetero partner....

Repulsed (or non-repulsed) asexuals can be heteroromantic. They have romantic feelings toward the opposite sex, but those romantic feelings don't include sex. That is difficult for a sexual to understand because usually sexuals view sex as part of romance. But asexuals don't. That's the difference, really.

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@-wits-end

Thanks Sally..... I'm not sure how many times I need to read that until it sinks in. :blush:

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OtterMosh

Hello All,

I want to start by saying thank you to each of you. I have been with my husband for almost 4 years now, and the "lack" of sexuality from him has been hard for me to understand, so we've talked for hours about it, and I've been doing research. It's been difficult for me to get over the old ideas that he's not attracted to me, or that I'm doing something wrong. It still trips me up sometimes. But for the most part we've come to some great compromises. We have a very romantic and intimate relationship, just not a sexual one. It didn't make sense to me that he didn't have any desire for sex, but he would "take care of himself" to relax. I think I get it now, at least I'm a whole lot closer to getting it. We've finally talked about the label of asexual for him, and he seems to be ok with it. But I think it helps me understand much more. I knew when we started dating that he didn't really have sexual desires, and the longer we've been together, the more I love him.

Thank you all for being so open and helping those of us that have the same struggles. It's been fantastic to find such a wonderful resource!!

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@-wits-end

I find it somewhat of a relief to find that this knife cuts both ways, although I would never wish this situation on anybody..[as far as sexual/ asexual relationships & either partner being the asexual].......Aside from that, I have seen this situation pop up here on this thread several times regarding an asexual [male almost exclusively] resorting to rubbing one out for relaxation or relief. This is another concept that I can't quite understand. I mean, if you have the urge, and a sexual partner willing to go at it at the drop of a hat, I can't imagine that doing it yourself would be more desirable, or could even come close to an enthusiastic willing partner. [i know it isn't for me]..... I can only come up with maybe two reasons, 1 would be timing,[convenient or inconvenient] and 2 would have something to do with anxiety related to ED..... I know a couple of people in the ED category, and although they have trouble with their equipment, it doesn't mean that they have no desire or imagination for sex...... maybe the perceived shame in it is enough to deter someone from seeking their partner, but that's sure depriving oneself [& partner] from enjoying each other and part of life...... There are other outstanding ways to enjoy sex even with ED...... Ok, maybe a third being that an asexual may find the body parts, or the act repulsive. [i think that is what I'm up against] But you've gotta touch something to rub one out.......[sorry, this has nothing to do with the post above other than it jogging my memory....or what's left of it]

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Sally

This is another concept that I can't quite understand. I mean, if you have the urge, and a sexual partner willing to go at it at the drop of a hat, I can't imagine that doing it yourself would be more desirable, or could even come close to an enthusiastic willing partner.

An asexual isn't interested in having a partner. That's asexuality: not being interested in having partnered sex. Most people who masturbate don't think of it as sex.

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@-wits-end

While I'm here, & I don't mean to be long winded.......I've read earlier in this thread that some asexuals view / feel that sex is a chore and is not really enjoyable to them. I can't help but think of the many things that I do for my partner throughout the course of a day that I feel are unenjoyable chores. At one point I decided to stop doing them for her for a while to see how she would like it. It turned out that she didn't like it at all, and within a week she was crying and wanting to know why she was being punished. Apparently she is / was unable to see or feel the similarities.

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Serran

This is another concept that I can't quite understand. I mean, if you have the urge, and a sexual partner willing to go at it at the drop of a hat, I can't imagine that doing it yourself would be more desirable, or could even come close to an enthusiastic willing partner.

An asexual isn't interested in having a partner. That's asexuality: not being interested in having partnered sex. Most people who masturbate don't think of it as sex.

Also - If you're masturbating for relaxation, but sex is emotionally draining to you... it's not relaxing, it's the opposite.When you have sex, you're worrying about your partner, you have to make it last so they're satisfied, etc etc. Which is pleasing to someone who ENJOYS sex. But, for someone who just wants an orgasm and to get over and done with it, that's just a lot of extra work to get a natural body function out of the way. Many people consider masturbation more like peeing - do it, get it over with, move on with your life. You wouldn't want to have a group pee (well, most wouldn't). And many asexuals wouldn't want to have a group or partnered masturbation session.

There ARE aces that don't mind having sex to satisfy their libido, since their partner wants it and they need an orgasm anyway. But, many don't want sex, even if they masturbate. Masturbation has little to do with a drive towards partnered sexual activity though.

Edit: Just saw the last post - I see sex as a chore, but it's not a chore I can't tolerate. I do it, but I don't like it. It's boring, I want it over with ASAP. But, I do it. It's actually HARMFUL to some people though. If anyone is actually becoming UNHAPPY doing something for someone, they should not do it (whatever it is). Withholding affection etc to show "I do these things for you, why can't you just do sex for me?" is highly unlikely to make someone that finds sex intolerable want to have sex with you. My partner is unhappy if we cuddle non-sexually - I don't force him, even though I would really, really, really like it. I technically could say "no more sex unless you cuddle with me how I want", but really, what would that do other than breed resentment and make him unhappy? He has things he's willing to do for me, I have things I am willing to do for him. To push each other beyond those things we are willing to do is just going to make both of us unhappy.

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@-wits-end

An asexual isn't interested in having a partner ??? Then what am I doing here ??? Well, I know what I'm not doing....lol [i'm sorry, I'm taking this out of context a little] It just makes me seem like such a tool. [& a hard headed one at that...lol]

I know......just pay the bills & shut up ; )

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Serran

An asexual isn't interested in having a partner ??? Then what am I doing here ??? Well, I know what I'm not doing....lol [i'm sorry, I'm taking this out of context a little] It just makes me seem like such a tool. [& a hard headed one at that...lol]

I know......just pay the bills & shut up ; )

No one said an asexual isn't interested in having a partner, romantically. Sally was talking about a SEXUAL partner. As in, interested in taking care of libido solo, not with a partner.

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@-wits-end

Very interesting to see the other side.

Sorry, I took that out of context deliberately, I do get your point about the rest though...... Thank you for the insight and point of view : )

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Sally

An asexual isn't interested in having a partner ??? Then what am I doing here ??? Well, I know what I'm not doing....lol [i'm sorry, I'm taking this out of context a little] It just makes me seem like such a tool. [& a hard headed one at that...lol]

I know......just pay the bills & shut up ; )

We're talking about a sexual partner. As I made clear in my post. And I was married for 10 years, and partnered for many more, and I never expected them to "pay the bills", so knock it off with that stuff.

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@-wits-end

I'm sorry, it wasn't directed at you or anybody in particular. I have no desire to stir the pot so to speak.....It just seems like if there's no sex, no intimacy, no romance, no sharing [which is my situation] then all that's left is to "pay the bills"
Sorry if there's any misunderstanding..... just trying to keep things short.

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Serran

I'm sorry, it wasn't directed at you or anybody in particular. I have no desire to stir the pot so to speak.....It just seems like if there's no sex, no intimacy, no romance, no sharing [which is my situation] then all that's left is to "pay the bills"

Sorry if there's any misunderstanding..... just trying to keep things short.

No intimacy, no sharing and no romance are separate issues from no sex. Many aces want those things. They just don't want sex. If your partner does not want any of it, then that is another issue to deal with rather than just the asexual/sexual incompatibility. But, it's also possible your partner just views them differently than you, so does want them in their own way? Have you discussed it?

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Tarfeather

But, it's also possible your partner just views them differently than you, so does want them in their own way?

Yep, pretty much this. For instance, for my partner just sitting together in the same room seems to be a kind of intimacy. One day we were both at uni studying hard all day. We didn't talk, hardly looked at each other, didn't touch each other.. but at the end of the day when we were about to go home, she said she was glad I'd been there. I never quite understood it. People are different, I guess.

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@-wits-end

Thanks Serran..... I guess the short answer would be yes.......It would be impossible for me to condense 25 years worth of this struggle into a reasonable post, and there are important factors that I could never disclose here, so it would lack context anyway......So, in short, the intimacy, romance and sharing are all casualties of trying to deal with the sexual incompatibility which has always been the elephant in the room. Most discussions would just quickly devolve into very depressing situations. Up until I ran across this site, I had never heard of the term asexual, so this site has been an enormous help to me thus far [despite what my posts would appear to convey].... In my efforts to deconstruct my point of view, feelings, & understandings [and lack thereof] and then try to articulate them in a way that I could post back on here, I find that I actually learn quite a bit about both sides of this, and the answers I get from this forum, despite not being what I want to hear, do actually help me see from a vantage point I would've never thought to look from....I am hopeful that I can eventually use this new perspective to re-open the tattered lines of communication that have been semi-abandoned for quite some time........I'm also going to order that book that Lady Girl [i think] mentioned earlier in this thread in order to hopefully communicate better......In the meantime, I'll go back to just lurking here from time to time.

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Skullery Maid

some asexuals view / feel that sex is a chore and is not really enjoyable to them. I can't help but think of the many things that I do for my partner throughout the course of a day that I feel are unenjoyable chores. At one point I decided to stop doing them for her for a while to see how she would like it. It turned out that she didn't like it at all, and within a week she was crying and wanting to know why she was being punished. Apparently she is / was unable to see or feel the similarities.

There are many dissimilarities, and I can tell you're a smart guy so you surely already see them.

1. You actually did withhold chores as punishment. Not sure why it'd be upsetting for her to accuse you of that, given that's exactly what you did. She isn't withholding sex for the same reason. She can't do it, not without negative psychological effects. Of course I don't know that for sure, but I'd be willing to bet on it.

2. Without her, you'd still have to do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. Without her, you'd have more chores, not less. By ceasing chores, all you're doing is making her pick up after you like a child.

3. All chores are not created equal. I can just imagine two people divvying up said chores... how about your wife cleans the bathroom and you blow your landlord every week? Seem about equal to you?

4. Sex is intimate, it renders people extremely vulnerable, it involves relinquishing control over your physical body. I don't know about you, but I've never, not once, cleaned a clogged drain and felt extremely vulnerable due to the physical intimacy.

Really bad comparison, bro.

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Sally

4. Sex is intimate, it renders people extremely vulnerable, it involves relinquishing control over your physical body. I don't know about you, but I've never, not once, cleaned a clogged drain and felt extremely vulnerable due to the physical intimacy.

That is absolutely the BEST description of how sex is completely unlike any other supposed "chore". I don't know how many times I've heard the doing-dishes crap and wished I could even adequately call BS on it. Skulls, you are fantastic.

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OtterMosh

For my Ace hubby and I, we are at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum. He has no interest in "sex" at all, while I have the libido of a 16 year old.... it's not been fun to try to work through this mismatch. He doesn't have ED, and while there is some emotional trauma from his ex-wife, who also didn't understand, he's perfectly capable, just not at all interested. It's taken us a long time and a lot of very, very difficult conversations to get to where we are, which for me still feels lacking sexually, but it's a wonderful relationship. And every once in a while, he will help me out. To him, I think it feels like a chore, and I am willing to set my desires aside most of the time, but there are moments that I need that type of intimacy and connection with him. On the other side of that, we are very romantic, with back and foot rubs, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands and kissing. And we are emotionally and intellectually intimate, and to my surprise, most of the time that keeps me "satisfied."

How would you deal with it if your SO were in an accident, and was physically unable to have sex due to injury or lingering pain? Would you leave? Would you still love them as much? How would you continue to be intimate in a way that works for both of you?

This is how I have come to understand the difference. It's not a choice, it's not got anything to do with me or how much he loves me.

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