To Sexual Partners

[PsychoBillyB]

I'm a sexual female in a relationship with an asexual male. We were close friends before this began for roughly 3 to 4 years. I don't know how to handle this. I know he finds me attractive and wants to see me happy, but I feel like when we have sex I'm forcing him somehow. I know he doesn't want the sex other than to keep me happy and he doesn't desire to actually have it for any other reason. It doesn't happen often(now mostly because I don't even initiate it) and I have a somewhat high sex drive at times. I know he loves me and it's not me, that he really doesn't want to have sex with anyone, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't know what to do. I find myself wishing that I had never begun this and he apologized for starting anything with me knowing how he is and knowing how I am. I do love him and I don't want to force him to have sex and I don't want to break up with him over sex. He's the guy I always go to talk to about everything. We've even talked about this some, granted more discussion is needed, obviously if I'm here. He makes me smile and laugh, he makes me feel great about myself(other than when it comes to sex), he really does bring out the best in me and vice-versa, but I didn't realize how important sex was to me until after we got together. How do I come to terms with this? I really do get that it's not you, it's me thing. He just doesn't want it from anyone and the fact that he will have sex with me is kind of amazing and says a lot, but still, like I said, him not wanting it doesn't make it hurt any less. How do I tone down my hurt feelings? what, if any, steps are there for me to take?

[Lady Girl]

Hi PsychoBillyB, and welcome to AVEN. Just wanted to say, I feel a lot the same way, or have. Something that helps me a lot with the hurt feelings is knowing that it hurts him. It's kind of like he's giving me all he's got and me focusing on feeling hurt is sending him a really strong, you'll just never be good enough message to him about himself. Which is really kind of ironic in a way since I spent years thinking if I was somehow better things wouldn't be this way.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense. And to be perfectly honest with you, since we spent so very many years in the dark about this, finding out has been changing our entire dynamic with each other. That's not to say we don't still have our moments, but they seem fewer and further between.

I guess to answer your question though, you probably just need to decide if this is really something you want to live with. I don't know that I have any tried and true steps to take, except to keep focused on the positives in the relationship as much as possible.

[Fricai]

Hi PBB!

Maybe it can already help a bit if you hang around at AVEN for a while, reading on asexuals and their feelings? (For instance; I loved my ex to bits and found her very beautiful but never saw any need to have sex with her) Other than that, talking to him about it is (of course) key. :)

As Lady Girl said, maybe really try focusing on positive things? Not only in the relationship, but also with this specific topic -- For instance, I bet it makes him happy to see you happy because of his effort. If you'd not focus on thoughts like 'he might hate this' but more just let it happen and be happy about it -- maybe the experience would be more positive altogether for both of you?

I guess it also depends on where exactly the 'hurt' feelings are coming from? If you'd identify that, it might make it easier to find a way to minimize them?

That's all probably easier said than done, sorry.. I have to say I have no significant experience with this, it's just the first things that come to mind. Good luck! Your relationship sounds great (other than the sex part), hope it works out eventually. :)

oh btw, there's some specific tips on types of compromises, for instance in the FAQ and in some of the threads in this subforum! (also, people might read your post here and reply, but most things have been already discussed before so you can find them if you look around for a bit)

[T1m3l0rd]

This practically nailed how I was feeling with my wife who only recently discovered Asexuality and informed me of it:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

It has taken me a few weeks to come to terms with it and to begin to understand what it means, not just as a concept but also for her, for me and for our relationship. I love my wife and she loves me but i was having the same feelings and experiences that new_guy_35 was talking about. My wife and I, once I had come to understand how she had been feeling simply had a chat about what it was going to mean for us in the bedroom.

I to am a very sexual person. My wife had been engaging in sex with me on a monthly or bi-monthly basis for our marriage and before that, mainly for (as she put it) the feeling of being so close to each other. However this frequency has not been enough to satisfy my cravings. So we simply sat down together one night (after a bottle or two of wine) and talked about it. I asked how she would feel if I didn't want to have snuggles anymore with her (something she loves). If I was to no longer give her hugs and kisses how would she feel about that. She said that she would feel bad, unloved, like I didn't want her, etc, etc. I simply told her that that is how I'd been feeling about sex and that, being a sexual person it is something I need, not only to feel close, but also for the pleasure of it, the stress relief that comes with it, etc. I explained that I don't need sex constantly (as she thought I did because of the frequency I'd ask or suggest it only to be shot down) but I do need it, just as she needs the hugs and kisses.

So we talked and came to a compromise. This is probably the best advice when trying to reach an understanding when is a sexual/asexual relationship. Don't be afraid to talk about how you (both of you) are feeling. Be completely honest, don't be scared that you are going to hurt the other person's feelings, upset them or drive them away. If they truly love you and you truly love them you can work things out (sounds naive I know but just go with me on this.) Respect and understanding is always a two way street. When in a asexual/sexual relationship both parties need to understand that they both have needs and that these needs have to be addressed and that compromise on both sides may and most likely will be required.

Remember, honesty, trust, respect, compromise.

[Fallinginandout]

This practically nailed how I was feeling with my wife who only recently discovered Asexuality and informed me of it:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

It has taken me a few weeks to come to terms with it and to begin to understand what it means, not just as a concept but also for her, for me and for our relationship. I love my wife and she loves me but i was having the same feelings and experiences that new_guy_35 was talking about. My wife and I, once I had come to understand how she had been feeling simply had a chat about what it was going to mean for us in the bedroom.

I to am a very sexual person. My wife had been engaging in sex with me on a monthly or bi-monthly basis for our marriage and before that, mainly for (as she put it) the feeling of being so close to each other. However this frequency has not been enough to satisfy my cravings. So we simply sat down together one night (after a bottle or two of wine) and talked about it. I asked how she would feel if I didn't want to have snuggles anymore with her (something she loves). If I was to no longer give her hugs and kisses how would she feel about that. She said that she would feel bad, unloved, like I didn't want her, etc, etc. I simply told her that that is how I'd been feeling about sex and that, being a sexual person it is something I need, not only to feel close, but also for the pleasure of it, the stress relief that comes with it, etc. I explained that I don't need sex constantly (as she thought I did because of the frequency I'd ask or suggest it only to be shot down) but I do need it, just as she needs the hugs and kisses.

So we talked and came to a compromise. This is probably the best advice when trying to reach an understanding when is a sexual/asexual relationship. Don't be afraid to talk about how you (both of you) are feeling. Be completely honest, don't be scared that you are going to hurt the other person's feelings, upset them or drive them away. If they truly love you and you truly love them you can work things out (sounds naive I know but just go with me on this.) Respect and understanding is always a two way street. When in a asexual/sexual relationship both parties need to understand that they both have needs and that these needs have to be addressed and that compromise on both sides may and most likely will be required.

Remember, honesty, trust, respect, compromise.

I just found this site today. This site may just save my sanity. Whats left of it.

I'm a sexual man, married 42 years to what it now appears is an asexual woman. Dated in high school. Married in 1970. She was and is beautiful, intelligent, funny and a romantic.

After marriage the sex became strained, emotionally, and less and less frequent. After seven years we had a daughter. Eight years later my wife had an affair for almost a year. Once I figured it out and confronted her she disclosed and it ended. We have spent over 30 years in counseling with some progress but I was stuck at the affair. I had learned that she did not like sex early on so the affair totally destroyed me. I assumed it was not that she did not like sex, just not with me. After the affair nothing changed.

She always said the affair was not about sex. It was emotional.

I am just now starting to believe it. With the information on this site plus the beyondaffairs.com site I'm starting to understand. I'm 61 now and faced with the rest of my life being just as physically sad as the past 43 years.

Hopefully on this site I can learn to heal and realize that I am not broken and not alone.

[frednsa]

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

simple (maybe not).........get an f-buddy. one you like and trust. hopefully your needs will be met and you're relationship with your "a.s." may improve. my asexual spouse has told me "if i catch you "fooling around", don't go to sleep. How's that for empathy. She is so good in so many ways but this a.s. condition nullifies most of the others. sad situation - wishing i could "hook-up" with an trustworthy and compatible "f-buddy"

my heart goes out to you - good luck.

f

[Orenda]

Hi everyone, just found the site today. I'm a sexual woman married to an asexual man, we've been together 3 years and friends for about 5 years before that.

I have to admit that our road to getting married hasn't always been the smoothest as it took him quite a while to accept and admit that he was asexual, I had figured it out before he did. I feel quite lucky in that he doesn't mind being physically affectionate with me, so I get the hugs and snuggles and kisses that I need to keep me sane and grounded, and he admits to them making him happy and content also. However we have never had sex in the entire time we have been together and at the start it did affect me and make me wonder if there was something wrong with me that was making him not want sex with me as I knew he had had sex with a previous girlfriend.

It probably didn't help that during the beginning of our relationship I was grieving the loss of my mother to a sudden stroke and therefore re-evaluating pretty much every aspect of my life. As part of this I was coming to terms with admitting that I was pansexual and what that meant to my identity, it was acutally during my many internet searches about pansexuality that I discovered asexulaity and I read a but about it, so when I realised that this could be applied to my boyfriend we sat down and had 'the talk', yes it was painful and yes there were tears but we worked it out and last week we got married so it all turned out well in the end.

I mainly joined up to get more of an insight into how he may be thinking from others in his situation and maybe offer hope to other sexuals dating asexuals that it can work out, it just takes communication between you both, or just a shoulder to cry/rage/get comfort on.

[Pandante]

Hi everyone, just found the site today. I'm a sexual woman married to an asexual man, we've been together 3 years and friends for about 5 years before that.

I have to admit that our road to getting married hasn't always been the smoothest as it took him quite a while to accept and admit that he was asexual, I had figured it out before he did. I feel quite lucky in that he doesn't mind being physically affectionate with me, so I get the hugs and snuggles and kisses that I need to keep me sane and grounded, and he admits to them making him happy and content also. However we have never had sex in the entire time we have been together and at the start it did affect me and make me wonder if there was something wrong with me that was making him not want sex with me as I knew he had had sex with a previous girlfriend.

It probably didn't help that during the beginning of our relationship I was grieving the loss of my mother to a sudden stroke and therefore re-evaluating pretty much every aspect of my life. As part of this I was coming to terms with admitting that I was pansexual and what that meant to my identity, it was acutally during my many internet searches about pansexuality that I discovered asexulaity and I read a but about it, so when I realised that this could be applied to my boyfriend we sat down and had 'the talk', yes it was painful and yes there were tears but we worked it out and last week we got married so it all turned out well in the end.

I mainly joined up to get more of an insight into how he may be thinking from others in his situation and maybe offer hope to other sexuals dating asexuals that it can work out, it just takes communication between you both, or just a shoulder to cry/rage/get comfort on.

Hi Orenda,

First, welcome to AVEN , and thanks for sharing your experience.

One of the many things I want to ask you because you are one of few who have made it up to marriage with the knowledge of being in a mixed relationship: Do you think you would have still been able to marry and reach this stage if your partner did not like to hug, snuggle, or kiss?

[Orenda]

One of the many things I want to ask you because you are one of few who have made it up to marriage with the knowledge of being in a mixed relationship: Do you think you would have still been able to marry and reach this stage if your partner did not like to hug, snuggle, or kiss?

Hi,

Oh cake *om nom nom* thanks :D

I don't think that our relationship would have survived in the form it is without the physical connection we have, I am a very tactile person and I find that even with my close friends I tend to be very tactile, so for me to be happy in a relationship I need touch from my partner, I am very lucky that although he is asexual he is not aromantic so it is something that he enjoys also.

I can honestly say that this relationship is the healthiest one I have ever been involved in, we had been friends for 5 years before we dated and we found our connection whilst I was at my lowest a few months after my mum had passed away and he was there for me and took care of me and helped me, including the day I was so down that I just wanted to go and talk to my mum by visiting the spot we had scattered her ashes, this was at 2am in the morning and he promptly bundled me into his car and drove me 300 miles to the spot and then drove me back home afterwards, just so I would feel better....

[Michelleashley77]

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

Searously my situation exally!!! Except I'm the asexual wife! And we have two kids... Man I can relate so much. I hate that my husband feels this way and I try so hard to be sexual for him... :/

I think this is super-tough. It depends on your level of asexuality. For example, I never realized that I was asexual because I do have a sex-drive. In fact, I can really enjoy sexual interactions if I get into them. For me, though, sex itself or oral sex is not something I can really perform or watch. I don't like looking at my boyfriend's penis, I can't put it in my mouth without feeling sick, and I can't smell him or watch him do anything to me unless I can't see any of his face. I can't connect sex to a person or I find it disgusting. So we've learned to do it without him looking in my face, or with our eyes locked instead of on each-other. Anyone else this way?

YES!! Exactly!!! It's so hard.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Lady Girl
Merge Posts

[Lady Girl]

A post by Remodeling has been moved from here to "After Decades of Denial" here.

Lady Girl, Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Moderator

[jojo2003]

I've just discovered this site and try to process the amount of information. I am a sexual partner in a "combined" relationship and can relate to many posts in this thread.

We have been together for more than 15 years and have not engaged in sexual relations many times. My partner feel repulsive about any sexual act. We have tried in the beginning, but for it does not work if I feel I am hurting someones feelings. So we just stopped altogether.

That does not mean it is not frustrating sometimes. All I hear about it is that communicating is the key, and believe me I have tried. However, my partner tends to tell me "this is the way I am" and tries to avoid the subject. I am very careful, but do feel the need to talk about this.

I get the feeling my partner sees the threat of sex around every corner, even if I just need a cuddle. I try to discuss this and explain that the contact is more important to me than the sexual relationship, but can not deny of course that there are needs... It is very double. I feel atracted to her, also in a sexual way, but do not want sexual relations if it hurts my partners feelings.

I have tried to interest my partner in the forum as well, but my partner does not believe in reading other peoples opinions. Are there any scientific researches about this subject? Maybe that will open up an opportunity.

In my opinion the solution to get my sexual relations outside my relationship is not a solution at all. I do not believe in sex without loving someone. Some sexual males are like that :).

Reading back, it is a bit of a rambling story, but it is complicated discovering all this.

[Lady Girl]

Hi jojo and welcome to AVEN. I just want to say I don't have much to offer in the way of advice today. My husband and I had a compromise in place for about a year and a half, but this is falling apart now, and I am sort of in a place of trying to just get over it, and knowing that I am just fooling myself by thinking that I can. Anyway, all I can say is that I know how you feel. These two paragraphs you wrote stood out to me in particular.

That does not mean it is not frustrating sometimes. All I hear about it is that communicating is the key, and believe me I have tried. However, my partner tends to tell me "this is the way I am" and tries to avoid the subject. I am very careful, but do feel the need to talk about this.

I get the feeling my partner sees the threat of sex around every corner, even if I just need a cuddle. I try to discuss this and explain that the contact is more important to me than the sexual relationship, but can not deny of course that there are needs... It is very double. I feel attracted to her, also in a sexual way, but do not want sexual relations if it hurts my partners feelings.

Communication can be very difficult if it feels one sided.

I get the same feeling about him perceiving the threat of sex around every corner. To be honest, I've been feeling very frustrated lately. I hope we can work something out soon.

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you. I am also not willing to seek sex or love elsewhere.

[mantlecat]

.

[jojo2003]

Hi jojo and welcome to AVEN. I just want to say I don't have much to offer in the way of advice today. My husband and I had a compromise in place for about a year and a half, but this is falling apart now, and I am sort of in a place of trying to just get over it, and knowing that I am just fooling myself by thinking that I can. Anyway, all I can say is that I know how you feel. These two paragraphs you wrote stood out to me in particular.

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you. I am also not willing to seek sex or love elsewhere.

Hi LG,

Thanks for the kind words. I am sorry to hear things are not working out that this moment. We have our good and bad days, don't we. Reading through your posts I hope things will work out. You, as well as I do, seem to be in a long relationship. Don't give up the fight yet.

Please don't excuse yourself for not having any advice. There is a lot of advice already available, not in the least from you. I hope I can contribute my share of "learning from experience".

[jojo2003]

Hi Mantlecat,

Welcome to this site from me.

Your post touched me, especially since you seem very wise for your young age. I think you both are in a very mature relationship if you can discuss these issues as open as you do.

This does not mean that being in a "combined" relationship does not hurt. I think when you read through the posts, you'll recognise many stories.

I am not the one to tell you if your friend is asexual or not. From time to time I even doubt the sexuality of my partner every now and then, who is definitely repulsed by sex.

You seem to be very fond of eachother. From experience I know it is also very important to keep looking at the positive sides of your relationship. And keep talking to eachother. If it does not work out in the end, I think neither of you can be blamed for that.

Good luck.

[Lady Girl]

Hi jojo and welcome to AVEN. I just want to say I don't have much to offer in the way of advice today. My husband and I had a compromise in place for about a year and a half, but this is falling apart now, and I am sort of in a place of trying to just get over it, and knowing that I am just fooling myself by thinking that I can. Anyway, all I can say is that I know how you feel. These two paragraphs you wrote stood out to me in particular.

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you. I am also not willing to seek sex or love elsewhere.

Hi LG,

Thanks for the kind words. I am sorry to hear things are not working out that this moment. We have our good and bad days, don't we. Reading through your posts I hope things will work out. You, as well as I do, seem to be in a long relationship. Don't give up the fight yet.

Please don't excuse yourself for not having any advice. There is a lot of advice already available, not in the least from you. I hope I can contribute my share of "learning from experience".

Thanks so much jojo. I let him know I was feeling just awful about this, (even though he knew I was), and instead of hoping I would get over it, he addressed the issue and offered two things to me.

We used to have a daily short talk and he wants to do that again. Also he has suggested more daily physical intimacy, so we will see how that goes. Usually it is me coming up with all the solutions, so this does make me feel hopeful again.

To be honest, we both are responsible for letting things get to this point and we had managed to begin a vicious cycle that hopefully we can break out of again.

[jojo2003]

Thanks so much jojo. I let him know I was feeling just awful about this, (even though he knew I was), and instead of hoping I would get over it, he addressed the issue and offered two things to me.

We used to have a daily short talk and he wants to do that again. Also he has suggested more daily physical intimacy, so we will see how that goes. Usually it is me coming up with all the solutions, so this does make me feel hopeful again.

To be honest, we both are responsible for letting things get to this point and we had managed to begin a vicious cycle that hopefully we can break out of again.

Good luck. Need to talk urgently with my partner also again. Sometimes frustrations build to long.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Lady Ghoul
Fix quote tags

[Pandante]

Thanks so much jojo. I let him know I was feeling just awful about this, (even though he knew I was), and instead of hoping I would get over it, he addressed the issue and offered two things to me.

We used to have a daily short talk and he wants to do that again. Also he has suggested more daily physical intimacy, so we will see how that goes. Usually it is me coming up with all the solutions, so this does make me feel hopeful again.

To be honest, we both are responsible for letting things get to this point and we had managed to begin a vicious cycle that hopefully we can break out of again.

Good luck. Need to talk urgently with my partner also again. Sometimes frustrations build to long.

Your conversation has given me hope again. I am currently going through a low point as well, terribly frustrated, and depressed (and job insecurity isn't helping). I will have a proper talk again with my gf this weekend. Thanks guys!

[jojo2003]

Thanks so much jojo. I let him know I was feeling just awful about this, (even though he knew I was), and instead of hoping I would get over it, he addressed the issue and offered two things to me.

We used to have a daily short talk and he wants to do that again. Also he has suggested more daily physical intimacy, so we will see how that goes. Usually it is me coming up with all the solutions, so this does make me feel hopeful again.

To be honest, we both are responsible for letting things get to this point and we had managed to begin a vicious cycle that hopefully we can break out of again.

Good luck. Need to talk urgently with my partner also again. Sometimes frustrations build to long.

Your conversation has given me hope again. I am currently going through a low point as well, terribly frustrated, and depressed (and job insecurity isn't helping). I will have a proper talk again with my gf this weekend. Thanks guys!

Good luck. Had a pretty good evening yesterday. Did not want to spoil the mood with talk. Waiting for the right moment? :)....

[Lady Girl]

I feel like we are getting back on track. Primarily for the next couple of months it looks as though we will be trying to communicate daily (probably about how we are feeling about the relationship), and attempting to keep that conversation short and sweet. I think we are also going to go back to a relationship/couples book we had started many months ago and either start it over or pick up where we left off. We'll hopefully spend a little time on Sundays reading portions of it out loud and then discussing how it applies to us.

As for the other thing he suggested, the daily physical intimacy...he now says that isn't what he said. He could be right. I probably wanted to hear that, at any rate, he says he said throughout the week (that's daily, right?!). I reiterated to him that he doesn't need to act as though there is a threat of sex around every corner, and that as far as I was concerned, just reaching out to touch me more would make a huge difference to me.

[Pandante]

May I ask, would you recommend that book to others, and if so, could you share the title with us?

[Lady Girl]

I would actually recommend it to others...although some may be put off by the title (I wasn't, I know how we are). It's called The High-Conflict Couple by Alan E. Fruzzetti, PH.D. and the subtitle is A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation.

It talks about using mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, also negotiation. It seems particularly suitable if one or both partners is highly emotional (which I think we both are). It says it's for highly reactive couples - pairs that are quick to argue, anger, and blame.

I'm anxious to start it again. Working on negative emotions is a good way to stop focusing on what you think the other person should be doing.

[booknerd]

I'm a sexual woman married to an asexual man. We've been married for about 2 1/2 years, together almost 6 years now. For so long, I was convinced it was just me, that he was just turned off by my struggles with depression and anxiety, that I wasn't attractive enough. At other times I believed there was something psychologically wrong with him. We went through a very long period of denial, where he would make excuses and not at all acknowledge that he did not want sex, ever. It's only been in the last year, through my making friends with an asexual woman online, that we were able to put a name to it and finally be able to really talk about it.

What always confused me was that it was clear that my husband was able to be aroused and that he obviously enjoyed sex. Just like everyone else has said, communication was absolutely important to our being able to handle our sexual differences and still maintain a healthy, loving relationship. We love each other so much and would never imagine wanting to be with another person, so we were determined to find a way to make things work. It's been intensely painful for me. I spent a lot of time sitting up at night crying and hating myself, thinking I was ugly and disgusting and no good. Finally getting validation for my feelings of being rejected and alone meant a lot.

Through a LOT of communication we realized that, in our case, what was hurting us both the most was the confusion and fear of expectations and rejection. We decided the best way to deal with that was to choose days on the calendar, every X number of days, to have sex. He is never pressured by me; it's always for him to initiate. I never try to initiate on "non-sex" days. And we are both free to say no at any time, regardless of the "agreement." We've been so much happier since we started doing this, it's unbelievable. As soon as I just stopped expecting him to behave like a sexual person, and started addressing his needs as an asexual, it was like a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. It works for us because my husband likes sex, he just doesn't feel the urge to initiate it, and he doesn't need sex to be happy.

I can't begin to describe how difficult and painful it's been for us over the years, especially before we understood what it was to be asexual, but we are doing so much better now. I no longer feel like I'm trapped or cornered in a situation over which I have no control. I really believe everybody who wants a relationship can find happiness when you have someone who's committed to you and loves you unconditionally, and cares deeply about your happiness. You just have to be willing to always communicate about your needs and to affirm one another's feelings.

[pushover]

I'mI've heard that Avilmil stuff is just crap though. Now we are talking about going to sex therapy, to help me with my 'problem'. I don't consider it my problem, b/c I am not the one bothered by not having sex.

Your bf sounds very closed minded and focuses on just himself. You're right, it doesn't sound like you have a "problem" with not wanting sex, he does. So it's HIS problem. Whether you are asexual or not, you don't have to be a sex freak just to make someone else happy. In relationships are you supposed to compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

That's insane; you obviously don't know anything about sexuals. Our whole lives, our sense of accomplishments, our need for accomplishments flow around our need for intimacy and love...yes sexual and physical love. Pick up a book will ya. Learn something about the beautiful world that surrounds you and, maybe then you will have a grip on life...that's how it looks from here!

[pushover]

Pablo: We can now focus on why we have stuck together for 6 years despite the difficulties about sex - in particular our deep rooted friendship and understanding.

This brought tears to my eyes.

In a culture that often presents 'great sex' as the evidence or the epitome of a good relationship, asexuals would seem incapable of such intimacy and devotion.

However, it's becoming more obvious to those of us living with asexuality (sexuals and asexuals) that while sex is important for the sexual, the relationship isn't dependant on it and there are many other ways to be intimate and express committed love.

btw- I've mentioned to wolf that there are responses here and he's going to try to get back.

hawke

Think of a new bridge crossing a body of water. Long beautiful spans without support represents the normal course of a beautiful relationship; but at intervals, it is necessary to build strong vertical supporting members; let these be the sexual portion of the relationship. Speaking as a sexual, those supporting members will prevent a total collapse of that lovely structure and is essential to that relationship.

[jojo2003]

I'mI've heard that Avilmil stuff is just crap though. Now we are talking about going to sex therapy, to help me with my 'problem'. I don't consider it my problem, b/c I am not the one bothered by not having sex.

Your bf sounds very closed minded and focuses on just himself. You're right, it doesn't sound like you have a "problem" with not wanting sex, he does. So it's HIS problem. Whether you are asexual or not, you don't have to be a sex freak just to make someone else happy. In relationships are you supposed to compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

That's insane; you obviously don't know anything about sexuals. Our whole lives, our sense of accomplishments, our need for accomplishments flow around our need for intimacy and love...yes sexual and physical love. Pick up a book will ya. Learn something about the beautiful world that surrounds you and, maybe then you will have a grip on life...that's how it looks from here!

Pablo: We can now focus on why we have stuck together for 6 years despite the difficulties about sex - in particular our deep rooted friendship and understanding.

This brought tears to my eyes.

In a culture that often presents 'great sex' as the evidence or the epitome of a good relationship, asexuals would seem incapable of such intimacy and devotion.

However, it's becoming more obvious to those of us living with asexuality (sexuals and asexuals) that while sex is important for the sexual, the relationship isn't dependant on it and there are many other ways to be intimate and express committed love.

btw- I've mentioned to wolf that there are responses here and he's going to try to get back.

hawke

Think of a new bridge crossing a body of water. Long beautiful spans without support represents the normal course of a beautiful relationship; but at intervals, it is necessary to build strong vertical supporting members; let these be the sexual portion of the relationship. Speaking as a sexual, those supporting members will prevent a total collapse of that lovely structure and is essential to that relationship.

Dear Pushover,

Although some of the quoted posts may be a bit without nuance, your replies are also. As much as you wish "them asexuals" to understand "us sexuals" (quotation marks are necessary here), you must also try to understand there view.

Yes, sexuality is an important factor for a sexual person. I know, living with a sexually repulses partner, but it is clearly not the foundation or support member of our relationship.

Compromising in a relationship will mean that you will have to understand the position the other is coming from. So yes, the asexual partner needs to try to understand as best as possible the needs of their sexual partner, but the sexual partner will also need to understand and respect the limits of the asexual partner.

[pushover]

An asexual doesn't have to pick up books and scour the internet to figure out who is a sexual or what they are about. After 40 years a sexual cannot get an honest response to questions about asexual views on (non)sex or sexuality from his wife!; how in he-double hockeysticks could we be expected to understand where they're coming from? Is that the thrill of asexuality, float along in deception, hiding in the dark, working like government withdrawing services because they don't want to provide them anymore. You can obviously see that, regardless of our best efforts, east is east and west is west. I know that sexuals can handle physical and emotional love at the same time with great success; why can't we have that same respect in return? I still don't know anything about my partner..how do I present it to her...I presume this is a fact of her life from the beginning of her time; would she not know that "something" was different in her world. Did I not earn the right to know? I'm actually here to learn, because I care. I'm too old now for it to matter to us, as a couple; but listen up youngsters...it ain't easy! Prepare yourself; no matter how calmly asexuals present their cases, they're not the ones suffering in a mixed relationship...that's how it looks from here. Just remember, even a drop of rain has enough sense to follow the path of least resistance.

[Sally]

Pushover, perhaps you'd be best off figuring out what you want to do now, rather than ranting to us about those awful asexuals. No one here -- or probably anywhere -- is trapping you; you are in charge of your own life.

You keep saying you're too old for it to matter. But your complaints continue. So if it doesn't matter, why continue complaining?

This particular part of AVEN is a place for sexuals and asexuals to get together and talk about their situations, with each other, with emotion but also rationally. It really isn't a place for one "side" to keep making rude comments about the other "side".

[jojo2003]

An asexual doesn't have to pick up books and scour the internet to figure out who is a sexual or what they are about. After 40 years a sexual cannot get an honest response to questions about asexual views on (non)sex or sexuality from his wife!; how in he-double hockeysticks could we be expected to understand where they're coming from? Is that the thrill of asexuality, float along in deception, hiding in the dark, working like government withdrawing services because they don't want to provide them anymore. You can obviously see that, regardless of our best efforts, east is east and west is west. I know that sexuals can handle physical and emotional love at the same time with great success; why can't we have that same respect in return? I still don't know anything about my partner..how do I present it to her...I presume this is a fact of her life from the beginning of her time; would she not know that "something" was different in her world. Did I not earn the right to know? I'm actually here to learn, because I care. I'm too old now for it to matter to us, as a couple; but listen up youngsters...it ain't easy! Prepare yourself; no matter how calmly asexuals present their cases, they're not the ones suffering in a mixed relationship...that's how it looks from here. Just remember, even a drop of rain has enough sense to follow the path of least resistance.

Dear pushover,

I am glad your post underlines my statement about nuance.

To make sure, I am a sexual partner in a long term relationship with a sexually repulsed partner and have chosen to stay with my partner. That does not mean that it is easy, if you read through the posts I have never said that. But it can work, if there are other reasons why you stay in a relationship.

And yes, you should be able to talk about it with your partner, but understand that sometimes the asexual partner also does not know why he or she feels the way he does. That is what I meant by staying open minded.

It is hurtfull and unecessary to generalize asexuals and state that they are not the ones suffering. Do you know how inadequate my partner feels at times and how emotional it gets to feel that you can not give something to your partner that he desires? To feel incomplete in a relationship? It really gets me angry, because you set back a lot of people who really try to relate to their partners. If this is the tone of voice you were planning to use in your relationship to get answers, then do not expect any.

You are way out of line in generalizing "them asexuals" and not open to learning anything if you use those phrases.