To Sexual Partners

[Arcan]

Wow...I'd been lurking this board for a while, but this thread made me post-as I'm about to spin a very different story than most of what I've seen so far.

I'm on the verge of beginning what will be my first serious relationship. I'm a sexual male, she is an asexual female. Before the idea of dating her even crossed my mind, I was exposed to her asexuality.

For a while, I could tell I was beginning to become infatuated, and tried to avoid it-I told myself it wouldn't work, that things just couldn't happen between us. Before too long, I started hanging out with her-we had a few similar interests, and she is a close friend of one of my best friends at school. This was all during winter quarter.

Enter spring quarter. We have psych 101 together, and decide to start getting breakfast before the class, to keep eachother company. Before we know it, we are discovering a slew of similar interests. I'm still holding back at this point, just enjoying her as a friend. Towards the end of the quarter, I go to her dorm to help her dissasemble her loft so it can be sent away for the summer.

We end up spending pretty much the entire day together. I discover that, aside from the one issue of sexuality, we would be extremely compatible. During our discussion, I point out that I would be willing to give up sex for an asexual partner-I'm able to do this without being too obvious, at the time, and I was recently crushing on our mutual friend, who is also asexual. After I opened myself up, I began falling-fast.

Over the summer, I expressed my feelings. I had intended to wait until the next fall quarter, but was not able to for reasons I'd rather not post here. Regardless, she was hesitant, but willing to give it a go. In the time since, she has begun falling for me, and I have fallen even faster.

I'm now to the point where I would be perfectly willing to remain a virgin for the rest of my life to be with her; and, barring a major change in one of us, we will be able to have a healthy, open relationship despite the differences in our sexuality.

Now, this may be young idealism and optimism speaking, but it looks like smooth sailing from here.

[moonfairy3349]

I think this is super-tough. It depends on your level of asexuality. For example, I never realized that I was asexual because I do have a sex-drive. In fact, I can really enjoy sexual interactions if I get into them. For me, though, sex itself or oral sex is not something I can really perform or watch. I don't like looking at my boyfriend's penis, I can't put it in my mouth without feeling sick, and I can't smell him or watch him do anything to me unless I can't see any of his face. I can't connect sex to a person or I find it disgusting. So we've learned to do it without him looking in my face, or with our eyes locked instead of on each-other. Anyone else this way?

I am in the same situation. My boyfriend (well right now we're sort of together and sort of not, but that's a different story, lol) is sexual and I am asexual (although I'm not exactly sure to what degree yet). It is difficult for me also as I sometimes feel like I'm acting or pretending to be someone I'm not. And even when I do get into it somewhat, afterwards I get very, very depressed. I'm not really sure why. I guess it's just that it doesn't really have any meaning for me and it makes me sad... idk. But when he does expect something from me, I dread it to say the least. It has gotten to the point now where I am annoyed by it and I just wish I didn't have to do anything for him at all. But then I feel guilty because I know that it's important to him, so I go along with it. He doesn't really believe that I'm asexual and thinks that I just have to find my sexuality and that he can "make me be sexual." I've told him that I like the way I am, and his response has been that I'm not "normal" and that I should change myself. It seems like he wants it to be all about him, and his selfishness has often made me upset because he wants to do things to me (since sexuals often get turned on by turning other people on), but I do not want him to. It has gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I can put up with it anymore. But if and when I do things for him I have to close my eyes... and so far this has worked but not entirely because he feels guilty when I do things for him but he does nothing to me. But just in general I find sex degrading. I just think there are other ways to make people happy and to connect, and I have never really seen sexual activity as being beautiful in any sense, so I do not like it or have the desire to engage in it. But, for him, it is something that makes him feel closer to me, so I don't know what to do anymore.

[WinstonsBuddy]

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

[WinstonsBuddy]

I think this is super-tough. It depends on your level of asexuality. For example, I never realized that I was asexual because I do have a sex-drive. In fact, I can really enjoy sexual interactions if I get into them. For me, though, sex itself or oral sex is not something I can really perform or watch. I don't like looking at my boyfriend's penis, I can't put it in my mouth without feeling sick, and I can't smell him or watch him do anything to me unless I can't see any of his face. I can't connect sex to a person or I find it disgusting. So we've learned to do it without him looking in my face, or with our eyes locked instead of on each-other. Anyone else this way?

I am in the same situation. My boyfriend (well right now we're sort of together and sort of not, but that's a different story, lol) is sexual and I am asexual (although I'm not exactly sure to what degree yet). It is difficult for me also as I sometimes feel like I'm acting or pretending to be someone I'm not. And even when I do get into it somewhat, afterwards I get very, very depressed. I'm not really sure why. I guess it's just that it doesn't really have any meaning for me and it makes me sad... idk. But he expects something from me usually once a week, and I dread those days to say the least. It has gotten to the point now where I am annoyed by it and I just wish I didn't have to do anything for him at all. But then I feel guilty because I know that it's important to him, so I go along with it. He doesn't really believe that I'm asexual and thinks that I just have to find my sexuality and that he can "make me be sexual." I've told him that I like the way I am, and his response has been that I'm not "normal" and that I should change myself. (He also thinks I'll be ready to "go all the way" in one year... which is kind of funny considering that I don't think I want to have it EVER in my lifetime, lol). It seems like he wants it to be all about him, and his selfishness has often made me upset because he wants to do things to me (since sexuals often get turned on by turning other people on), but I do not want him to. It has gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I can put up with it anymore. But if and when I do things for him I have to close my eyes... and so far this has worked but not entirely because he feels guilty when I do things for him but he does nothing to me. But just in general I find sex degrading. I just think there are other ways to make people happy and to connect, and I have never really seen sexual activity as being beautiful in any sense, so I do not like it or have the desire to engage in it. But, for him, it is something that makes him feel closer to me, so I don't know what to do anymore.

[WinstonsBuddy]

Well, I think that I've found out that I'm Not Along. Many of the posts I have read seem to say the same thing over and over. Question is, what can a sexual person do that will improve the situation. I have tried to work though this ASEXUAL thing of my spouse but, it is findly getting to the point that I feel there is no other way to correct the problem of my needs-other than divorce. I have tryed to find a solution for 10 years now. Having another lady "she know". Is not the anwser as "the other lady" has a need to have full time sex/love too. It's not fair to her either. I just don't know what the best thing to do is.

[lonelyheart]

I can't even begin to describe what a relief it is to find this forum. I've been struggling with this for years. Never having answers and every year seeing my self esteem plummet to nearly nothing.

So now I have answers - and I'm completely overwhelmed. All the signs make sense now.

*The whole first year we dated, he never kissed me. Not once. When I tried to kiss him, he turned his head so I kissed only his cheek.

* He could never make eye contact with me during sex. He would not initiate it and would go as far as to put something over his head while I did all the work.

* He pushed really hard for us to move in together and then to get married. I was hesitant, but he was very pushy. Once we moved in together, sex became nearly nonexistent.

* If I'm changing clothes or undressing in front of him, he averts his eyes and looks at anything but me. He never removes my clothes when we have sex - I have to undress both of us.

*He refuses to perform oral sex, but seems to enjoy receiving it. He actually prefers it to intercourse and considers that being intimate and that it should satisfy *me*

*He told me he was never really sexual as a teenager - didn't self pleasure much and had no interest in relationships or sex.

So here we are - years later. Yes, I do feel betrayed and tricked. I've tortured myself with wondering what I have been doing wrong - not good enough, not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not engaging enough. And it was him all along. When I'd ask, all he could say was "I don't know why."

I'm trying to understand....I really am. But what entitles an asexual person (who knows they are asexual) to bring a sexual person into a relationship?

[lonelyheart]

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

I see women flirt with my husband all the time. It used to bother me, but now the joke is on them.

[SexualHubby]

I feel for you, lonelyheart- know that you are not alone. I have gone through the same exact thing w/ my marriage.

Hang in there- if you don't find any relief and he is not willing to confront and at least compromise to some extent to help meet your needs (although some asexuals won't see what we sexuals have as real needs) then it might be time to consider moving on or finding another way to satisfy them. I should add that it wasn't until I said I wanted a divorce that my wife took things seriously and began trying to understand herself and our relationship- this is what it might also take for you. Please send me another private message if you wish- I think we have a whole lot in common.

[AVENCakes]

I can't even begin to describe what a relief it is to find this forum. I've been struggling with this for years. Never having answers and every year seeing my self esteem plummet to nearly nothing.

So now I have answers - and I'm completely overwhelmed. All the signs make sense now.

So here we are - years later. Yes, I do feel betrayed and tricked. I've tortured myself with wondering what I have been doing wrong - not good enough, not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not engaging enough. And it was him all along. When I'd ask, all he could say was "I don't know why."

Are you sure he's asexual? That sounds a bit... off. Everyone's differnet, but a lot of asexuals prefer that sex focus exclusively on their partner and there's probably at least a few who'd rather not have to get naked for the whole thing and would rather just get their partner off as quick as possible and get it over with, which really isn't that satisfying emotionally for a lot of sexuals but seems to be the opposite of your husband's rather selfish view.

It does sound like he's got some issues with himself he needs to work through, it's possible he pushed moving in and marriage because that's what normal couples do and he's trying to force himself to be normal- but what he's pushing away from might be different from what you're talking about.

I'm trying to understand....I really am. But what entitles an asexual person (who knows they are asexual) to bring a sexual person into a relationship?

Did your partner know he was asexual?

If yes- Did he accept it? Perhaps he thought he could change for you. If he did accept it fully, he should have told you- it's decieptful to hide that you're asexual if you know that you are, just like it's not right to hide a kink, other relationships, or infertility. I'm not saying come out when you meet people, but when the relationship gets serious enough- it's unfair to both parties to pretend you're on teh same level without making sure you are.

If no- Seriously? How can a person who doesn't know they're different tell you that they are?

Also, asexuals are people too. A lot of us crave the love, closeness, and affection a lot of sexuals also desire. Again, if you're asexual you need to be upfront about it, but what's wrong with dating someone you're attracted to?

[Chemowasabi]

So...hello everyone. nice to meet you all. Oh so very new to this. Don't even really know where to begin. Been looking at bits and peices of the boards, but there is just sooo much information to soak up, figured I'd start with the hello's and what not first.

Had been attracted to the woman for quite a long time, not just for her looks, but for her personality, charm and energy she has shown at work as well. Here recently, we finally had a chance to get to know one another. Out of the blue. Every day since then we've been together whenever we can pending work, and the occasional sleep (which we both forgot to do the first two nights). One night, while we were curled up in my bed talking, we had discussed some of the "dark skeletons" we each have in our closet, and why the two of us were both single. Mine is that I'm a father of two girls, both amazing, but both living 1000 miles away. Her's was that she is asexual.

I have always been a logical person, and she was very surprised that her telling me this about her did not scare me away (in fact, we just continued to curl up together), and I know that I am compleatly attracted to her, but it's like a whole new puzzle I've never even thought of before, and it's kind of like walking on eggshells all at the same time.

Everything about her is incredible. we have the same likes, quite a few same dislikes, she's charming, beautiful, and every night since we got to start actually talking to each other, we've either fell asleep in each others arms, or talked until the sun came back up. But there's this...new thing, that I don't quite know how to interact with. we love to cuddle up, and she likes to kiss, and is really decent at it...but beyond that...it's a total guessing game. Now, I've always been analytical and what not, so as we're beign close, I'll try something new and ask what her thoughts on it are. She just smiles at me and tells me not to worry so much about it. My fear is that, not knowing what kinds of stimulation she does get out of anything I do, I'll find out things she doesn't like, and I'll ruin this otherwise amazing thing I have going for me, because of my misunderstanding.

Pretty much just looking for any advice or things of that nature. While I try to be open with her, and constantly exploring and asking her her opinions, she says she doesn't really have much to say about anything I've done so far, but hasn't said good or bad either way. Like I said, I just don't want to do anything that could harm how we are otherwise.

[Olivier]

My fear is that, not knowing what kinds of stimulation she does get out of anything I do, I'll find out things she doesn't like, and I'll ruin this otherwise amazing thing I have going for me, because of my misunderstanding.

You should tell her this if you haven't already.

Pretty much just looking for any advice or things of that nature. While I try to be open with her, and constantly exploring and asking her her opinions, she says she doesn't really have much to say about anything I've done so far, but hasn't said good or bad either way. Like I said, I just don't want to do anything that could harm how we are otherwise.

Well, you could remind her that you're more sexual than she is, and suggest that perhaps the easiest way to stay inside her boundaries would be for her to try things and back off if she doesn't like them. That can be a hard thing to suggest without sounding pressuring, but if you back it up by not acting pressuring, or sulky if nothing happens, then that should build trust.

You also need to keep in mind that if she says nothing good or bad, then that's not necessarily a sign of withholding, or failing to engage with the issue - it could just be her indifference (not) talking.

[Chemowasabi]

You should tell her this if you haven't already.

You also need to keep in mind that if she says nothing good or bad, then that's not necessarily a sign of withholding, or failing to engage with the issue - it could just be her indifference (not) talking.

yeah, I have tried to explain this to her, because according to my doctor, I have an overly high sex drive (which makes the situation mildly amusing to me, because I do want to be able to please her, but my brain also says that everything I would normally do in this circumstance...probibly isn't correct. This is when i get the response that I think and worry too much, and she usually follows that up with a really long kiss, or pulls me in close and tight and we just hold each other for a while.

and I understand about the indifferance, it's just little subtle nuances that are tricky. she likes to be touched in many different areas (haven't explored too horribly far as it is still a realitivly young relationship, and i certainly wouldn't want to pursue too much too fast) ..but fingernails are bad, fingertips are ehhhh, whole hand is best. That sort of thing. it's just good to see a place that this and know that things do work out, because I would really like them to. she is simply amazing, and I'm lucky to have found her.

[AVENCakes]

Not all asexuals are repulsed/dislike sex. Some enjoy it, some enjoy pleasuring their partner, some are ambivalent to it- they could take it or leave it, and aren't bothered much either way. It's possible your girlfriend is fine with ost sexual things, wouldn't ask for them but also won't say no to something you enjoy. You should try and talk to her about what flavor of asexual she is to get an idea on that, since it could be a lot easier than you're making it (it also might be a bit more difficult), and also ask if she has any idea what her limits are in terms of activities and frequency, and try to work out your own. Yours will probably be limits in terms of what is satisfying enough, and how often is often enough.

[Chemowasabi]

Not all asexuals are repulsed/dislike sex. Some enjoy it, some enjoy pleasuring their partner, some are ambivalent to it- they could take it or leave it, and aren't bothered much either way. It's possible your girlfriend is fine with ost sexual things, wouldn't ask for them but also won't say no to something you enjoy. You should try and talk to her about what flavor of asexual she is to get an idea on that, since it could be a lot easier than you're making it (it also might be a bit more difficult), and also ask if she has any idea what her limits are in terms of activities and frequency, and try to work out your own. Yours will probably be limits in terms of what is satisfying enough, and how often is often enough.

Yes, definetly, and these boards have been very helpful as this is all new uncharted territory for me. I'm looking forward to having these conversations with her, and learning has been an interesting experiance. One thing i'm certainly not wanting to do though is rush anything, and so i'm trying harder to do that as well (has way burnt me in the past.) It's a very new relationship, both in terms of its challenges, but also in its merits and its actual time. I know we'll end up having many more conversations, and I'll end up in here some more as well, heh, but main thing is I just am happy that she knows that I don't see it as something to hold against her, or as some kind of possible deteriment to our relationship.

I think the key right now is just to take things as they naturaly progress, which for me means a bit of self control, and not being worried if little things i would do normally don't seem to have the same effect with her as they have with others in the past. it's not that maybe she doesn't like them, just doesn't have the same effect, and that could be true with anyone, regardless of orientation. You guys are an amazing group, and I am thankful to be able to come in here and see people talking and being able to share experiances. i think it will continue to be a nice bit of support if there are any questions.

Thank you all again.

[Galen]

And it's not necessarily just sex - even if an asexual partner is willing to compromise and engage in the act that might not be enough. To quote a cheesy song, "I want you to want me, I need you to need me" - as a sexual, I need to feel desired. Sometimes I want to be pursued - sometimes I want my partner to be the initiator. And every time, I need to feel that she wants this and wants to be here with me.

I tend to turn the volume up a bit when that song plays and have actually said those and similar lines to her.

It seems, very difficult for many to get that it is not the sex act we are missing but the "being desired sexually".

There seems to be a whole range of Asexuals feelings, but they all seem to have the inability to desire sex and thus be pleased by it.

Loving_partners discussion on the paradox of the type of man he is and that his wife would submit to allows me to identify and agree completely with.

My only current solution for myself will be to accept that she does desire me sexually to the best of her ability, and work to have more time cuddling with her while letting her know there is no expectations. There are times during the month though that her phermones put me into a state that I can't even lay next to her without staying awake all night with my desires for her.

[AVENCakes]

There seems to be a whole range of Asexuals feelings, but they all seem to have the inability to desire sex and thus be pleased by it.

Asexuals can desire and enjoy sex, they just dont' experience attraction so it's rarer. I know of at least one asexual on here who enjoys sex even outside relationships- and they get quite annoyed that everyone associates asexual with not liking sex. You don't feel the need to have sex, though you can feel the need to masturbate, or the attraction, but you can still enjoy it a great deal if you dont' feel pressured into it, which it seems like most asexuals in a/s relationships feel.

My partner and I are both asexual and don't have sex, but we enjoy the closeness and emotional intimacy of "sexual" acts with each other, even though we probably couldn't do that if eitehr of us were sexual due to the pressure it'd add. Not all asexuals will, but asexual doesn't mean unable to enjoy sex, but if you feel pressured to do something you aren't fond of in the first place- you won't be any more interested in doing it.

[Galen]

Thank You, I am still new to here and there is an awful lot of information to sift through. My family also got home for dinner as I was typing that post so it was hasty.

It is pretty hard to verbalize and even more difficult to write my feelings and my interpretation of my wifes. I believe she may enjoy it, she says she does, so it may be the "attraction" I meant. Attraction is a more difficult concept for me to understand. I believe there would always in a marriage be some sort of pressure for sex with a sexual? I believe she desires to make me as happy as I desire to do for her. If she is not attracted to sex is that not the same as not desiring it?

I've have to keep rereading your post a few more times to try and understand more fully. I had read where some do enjoy it but, it did not seem to be enough to care about it that much (my perception of desiring it).

I believe my wife does not desire sex, but is willing on occasion and says she enjoys it. She and I just don't understand why if she enjoyed it that she does not look forward to it. I have gone through most all of the emotions and experiences other sexuals have written about with their spouses. Starting at our poor first attempt, to expectations on romantic occasions, thinking I wasn't doing it correctly, etc....)

For me it has meant realizing also there are many experiences that I will never be able to share with her and probably not at all ever. Simple request like wearing a bra again, she switched to sports bras a while ago, for me to take off are seen as fetish. She did look at bras though and decided they were too expensive, I then felt she was telling me I was not worth the price of the bra.

Sorry I write so much, seems it is a place where people understand what both the asexual and the sexual spouse goes through. Seems my 5cent therapist does not understand, perhaps next meeting I'll ask him to do some research.

[hopelessyoutside]

Recently my husband came up to me in the middle of me doing bills and said: "Do you want me to leave?"

I replied, "Go to the store now?"

"No, do you want me to leave. I'm not happy, you're not happy, would it be better if I just left?"

That's the conversation that made me seek out this forum. I am a 29 year old mother of three (first child not my husband's - before we were married) who has been married for 5 years.

At first the sex was not an issue as we were doing it. I got pregnant a month after we were married. Sex stopped. Sex stayed stopped. Around the time that child turned one, we had a two week period of time that sex happened regularly...frequently even. I got pregnant with our last child. Sex stopped again. I had my tubes tied during the birth, knowing my husband didn't want any more children, thinking that his fear of my becoming pregnant might have been the driving force behind his lack of sexual desire.

Apparantly it wasn't. It has been three years since she was born, and I can count on my fingers the number of times we have had sex. We argue about it. I feel like he must be getting it somewhere if he's not getting it here, and he thinks I am crazy and a nymphomaniac or something.

It has been very hard on us. He doesn't understand *at all* why I A)feel the urge to be with him "all the time" and B) that when I initiate close behavior and he rejects me or gets huffy that it hurts more than if he had hit me.

I don't understand how he can not feel the urge ever, and how come he won't even allow me the oppertunity to get him aroused to see if maybe he might want to then.

I feel so lonely and confused and frightened, all at the same time. I DO love him, and feel selfish that I wonder if perhaps we would be better off apart. Sex is important, and yet it's not impoartant ... just saying that is confusing!

I've thought about writing to Dr Phil... but who wants to go on national TV and discuss private affairs like that??

I'm just not sure how to cope with this and make it work. The whole situation seems so completely unfair to both of us: my needs shouldn't always be denied and ridiculed and he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do.

Unfortuantely, it seems he is on one extreme, and I am on the other.... and I am confused as to how he could be this way, considering during our courtship and first month of marriage he was "normal".

It's just such a heart breaking situation to be in, it seems like no matter what we do it will be wrong.

Thank you for listening, Lonely in Love

I can identify with your husband to some degree. When I started my relationship with my boyfriend (it's been 7 years now and we are engaged) I had sex pretty regualrly with him because I thought that's what I was supposed to do because I knew I loved him. I thought it was a phase a that I didn't enjoy sex and that I would get over it. (I'm very new to this asexual thing, and still learning but glad to know I'm not alone)

It's because of this that I'm now in the situation I'm in...He doesn't understand how I could have once been into it but now I'm not. Truthfully I never was but because of lack of communication, he now has feelings of...."if I dont desire him sexually, I must not love him" "it's just him I feel like this about and I might find someone else". He is constantly frustrated and at times angry about it, which strains the relationship.

I understand his frustration and I wish I could make him understand my love has never changed but it's a constant battle.

I can also understand his asking you, would you rather he leave? I feel a lot of time that he deserves deep love AND sex, it's just not something I can give him. I love him so much that I want his happiness more than anything...and I know he could find that with someone besides me. It's also a fear that he will find someone else. Know that, his asking you if you want him to leave is an unselfish thing and he doesn't want you feel the way you do.

The thing I guess you have to figure out is whether you're willing to stick it out. It will never be easy. Is it all worth it it to you?

It's weird that I want to share this kind of thing considering I still can't communicate with my boyfriend. I found this site just a few days ago and I'm trying to learn and understand so that I can have an informed talk with my boyfriend before we get married,

My question to you is, if you knew what you know now....Would you marry him all over again? I'm still trying to figure out whether if it's worth putting him through this because I know it is going to be a constant struggle full of comprimise.

\

[gemini77]

I wish I would have discovered this site before my husband and I got divorced!!!!! We were married for almost 10 years and sex was always an issue!!! He always got mad at me for not wanting to have sex!!! And it was always a chore for me to have sex with him. We have a 6 year old son together. Honestly I left him to be with a woman...I thought that maybe I was gay but I have come to find out that I don't enjoy sex with a woman either!!! I don't know but maybe if we would have talked about it our marriage could have been saved. Now he is getting married next month!!! ARGH!!!! I'm sure he is going to enjoy all the sex he is going to get from this new girl!!!! I just HATE being this way!!! I wish I enjoyed sex like most people do!!!!!

[Sally]

I wish I would have discovered this site before my husband and I got divorced!!!!! We were married for almost 10 years and sex was always an issue!!! He always got mad at me for not wanting to have sex!!! And it was always a chore for me to have sex with him. We have a 6 year old son together. Honestly I left him to be with a woman...I thought that maybe I was gay but I have come to find out that I don't enjoy sex with a woman either!!! I don't know but maybe if we would have talked about it our marriage could have been saved. Now he is getting married next month!!! ARGH!!!! I'm sure he is going to enjoy all the sex he is going to get from this new girl!!!! I just HATE being this way!!! I wish I enjoyed sex like most people do!!!!!

Gemini, I understand how you feel. It's definitely not easy being in the minority and losing someone you might have wanted to stay with if things were different. But think of it this way: he probably wasn't going to stop wanting sex, and it probably wasn't going to stop being a chore to you. So even if you'd talked about it, you would still have been the people you were. Don't feel you threw away something, because it doesn't sound like it was working. If you were together now, he'd probably still be getting mad at you because you didn't want sex. That's no way to live for either of you.

[Integrity10]

Does anyone know of any real life support groups for spouses of asexuals? If I can't find one in the Toronto area, then I think I'll start one!

[Rabger]

Okay, I admit it, I'm a really bad stuck-post author. I haven't been aroung in forever. Let me see if I can make my way through this very long list of posts. Happy that people took an interest though.

[Integrity10]

In case any of you don't know, there is now a website set up for Sexual Partners of Asexuals. spasupport.org

[sips]

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

wow

I didn't belive there was so understanding and accepting men out there. I feel so sorry about your losses but also I do admire you. Wish I could meet someone accepting me like this.

[sips]

wow

it's not only one, I mean it's so many loving and understanding partners here I'm all tears.....just wanted to say.

[Tammy]

Hi there. I'm new here. I found out about you on Facebook through a friend. I'm not sure what to say except I am in a 17 year relationship with an asexual. I didn't realize it until probably the last 5 years or so. The main reason was that we smoked pot in the first part of our relationship and that seemed to "put her in the mood" a lot of times, so... Anyway, the more we talk, the more we realize that she's asexual and I'm sexual. I have learned to live with it, but it's rough sometimes. When you feel that sex is a normal part of any romantic relationship, it can be frustrating to always feel you're being turned down. I'm also obese, so I wonder sometimes if that's it, but she swears it's not and I believe her most of the time. There are just some moments when I wonder.

Anyway, thanks for having this group. I'll be back.

Tammy

[infomaniac]

Sort of testing this out as the more I read about asexuality, the more I'm under the impression that my fiance is of an asexual orientation.

To avoid being closed-minded and eliciting only apologetics regarding how I should be understanding and martyr my sex drive I will say this in full knowledge that the majority who read this are asexual in themselves. It is as closed-minded to say that a person who is highly sexual is being less than understanding as it is to say that a person who is asexual should change.

My concept is this: can a person who is asexual require sexual monogamy from a person who is sexual? Is it fair to consider only your need to not be involved in sexual activity or your disinterest therein as paramount and the needs of your partner as negligible.

History:

I've been with my partner off and on for 7 years (since I was 20) and he, was neither in any rush to consumate our relationship (which initially caused confusion on my part as to the nature of our relationship) nor has there been any consistent sexual activity at any point in our relationship. At one point, I left him for a period of around two years because my self-esteem was pretty wrecked by the lack of interest in sex. He had every possible physical test done as he acknowledged that he wish he could comply but really didn't have any interest.

I'm not certain he's asexual perse but there are several indicators the most glaring of which is his argument to me that sex and love are not at all related in his mind and that it sullies it for some reason.

At this point, we consider therapy (not to say he has a "problem" if he is asexual.. only that our relationship is taxed by the incompatibility of drives.)

At the same time, he says it would be anathema to him for me to have any other partners. This leaves me to depend on him for a task he isn't interested in and approval he cannot provide which I see as highly unfair.

At this juncture, I've lost interest in having sex with him as his disinterest makes me feel invasive and ultimately rejected and hurt.

Asexuals find it hard to comprehend but sexual people glean a lot of their self-worth from their sexual relationships not strictly via approval but also in the context of physical intimacy.

I don't think therapy would gratify me very much as I don't see it as a dysfunction but rather as a preference and, in my mind, being with an asexual person monogamously is akin to having a best friend who won't allow you to date.

I realized the other day that it's been at least a year since I've been kissed in any passionate way.

I love him. I trust him. I feel safe with him.

He gets me in every other way and is good for me. He makes me laugh and making him happy is joyous to me.

I don't want to spend my life with anyone else nor do I wish to ever hurt him. I do think that his possessive stance is unfair, however, and yes.. closed-minded. You cannot require someone to be as you are simply because you're jealous.

I've been hurt by every advance I've made... every mention I make is responded to defensively and it's quite clear that nothing will ever change. If it did, I'd feel it was disingenuous and therefore not desirable to me.

I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life with that element of myself stifled. It's horrifying. Most asexuals seem to be under the impression that because sex is unimportant to them that the importance to others is shallow or imagined. It is not. As much as your being asexual is a part of who you are being sexual is a part of who I am.

I've ceased thinking of him sexually as that's not the nature of our relationship much in the same way you cannot sexually fantasize about a dear friend or relative. It's confusing, frustrating, and very scary.

I'm wondering if there is advice beyond "deal with it.. be understanding" because I have dealt with it and am understanding... I strictly don't know how to be my complete self.

I can understand to a certain degree as, having been abused, I find cuddling claustrophobic and horrible... but I am nonetheless sexual in an asexual relationship. I think he's under the impression that something will magically change but I'm more aware than that. I know that life-long history cannot be ended by any single circumstance and is unlikely to be altered by even the most in-depth attempt as it would strictly be nominal and painful for both parties.

[infomaniac]

P.S.

Lonelyheart-

My situation sounds incredibly similar.

He enjoys oral sex (and is horrified of reciprocation) which seems contradictory to being asexual.

To answer the divorce threat resolution someone suggested = it is ephemeral

In my experience, the times in which I was leaving my fiance he invariably upped the ante sexually as a means to have me stay. Once it was clear that I was staying, it again ceased.

Any suggestions, attempts, requests are met with indifference and I'm overwhelmingly tired of it.

I try not to be hurt by it anymore as I've since learned that my sexual attractiveness was not the key. He was never sexual... has had very few sexual partners and even fewer relationships and seemed to have only ever complied with sex under some form of duress.

I contemplated his having been abused but it seems unlikely.

I've honestly tried every single thing.

Certain other forms of sex are acceptable to him but uncomfortable to me without the actual intimacy. He seems only comfortable with a very hands-off approach and that exacerbates my discomfort and alienation. As I've said, I feel a bit trapped and very anxious about the situation.

My sympathy and empathy is with you.

[Sad & Confused]

I've been reading the posts and I'm finding them very enlightening. Thank you. However, I don't seem to be at the point of acceptance that most of you seem to be. I believe that my husband is asexual. He was a virgin when we met. He seemed interested in sex and we had sex consistently every weekend for the year that we were dating. Then, when we got engaged, the sex stopped. I've tried talking to him, begging... It's been four years now. He seems to want to only have sex to please me and that's not the kind of sex that I want. (I'm very sexual.) I want to be wanted and desired. I can't seem to come to terms with any of this. He's been to several doctors, at my insistence, who say that he's physically fine. He says that it's a possibility that he's asexual but doubts it because he likes the idea of sex, just not the act. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in my early thirties and I don't want to spend the next fifty years wondering why my husband doesn't want me. On the other hand, I love him very much. I don't want to lose him but I can't keep living like this. Help?

[Beenthere]

Sad, you are really going to have to think about this. If you can't face the rest of your life being this way, then you need to say so now. There is no shame in two people realizing that, though they may care about each other, they cannot be partnered. A life of quiet desperation on the other hand can be a formula for bad things.