Rabger

To Sexual Partners

Recommended Posts

James121
On 05/05/2017 at 4:02 PM, Icebearpanda said:

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

On 05/05/2017 at 4:02 PM, Icebearpanda said:

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

 

 

Maybe there are other books entitled “the importance of remaining lovers, or the importance of sex between spouses” that his wife could read?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
On 02/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, roland.o said:

But not :cake: ?! You've got your priorities wrong ;-)

No I would say pieces of cake are the most important survival instinct.

Cake, yum yum yum.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Learning A Lifestyle
On 01/12/2017 at 11:11 PM, ErichA said:

So I didnt think I would find someone on here that would know my story, but yours copies mine to a t.....everything you wrote is how i feel.  The difference is, my wife now wants an open marriage, with rules, so I can get what i need, and she doesnt have to feel guilty that she cant fulfill this part of our marriage...i cant deal with this....

I'm kind of in the same boat as you, have been given the choice but how can you cheat on a partner. It would be changing your view on the relationship forever let alone the fear of catching feelings towards someone you do decide to sleep with. I completely understand how A-sexuals feel trapped by societies views on the sexuality and sex in general however isn't this just the reverse where straight people end up feeling trapped because alot of A sexuals don't see the importance of such things like we do. (Obviously through no fault of their own)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Learning A Lifestyle! Have some cake... :cake:

 

15 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

how can you cheat on a partner

It's not cheating when you and your partner agree on a different set of rules.

 

15 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

It would be changing your view on the relationship forever

But that's the point, isn't it? If the relationship doesn't work for both partners, then it needs to change, or end.

 

16 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

feel trapped by societies views on the sexuality and sex in general

Yes indeed, that can apply to both sides. Take it as an opportunity to ponder what you value in the relationship, to find out what constitutes the core of it for you. Some of your expectations will be based on these values, others might just be an unreflected impression of societies' views. Once you can separate the two, and your partner does the same, the two of you can make a decision on how to evolve your relationship. Until then, make sure to keep up the communication with your partner! I hope you'll find a way. :cake:

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNerdyOne

Just found this thread tonight...you guys. This opened my eyes big time. I still have no sexual desire or anything, but I think I understand the other perspective better. And honestly, so many of these stories made me want to cry.

We all deserve to be loved - even if we love differently. And for sexuals and asexuals who can make it work together, you are truly amazing.

(Also, @Orbit I know of and love Ladyhawke :) It's my mom's favorite movie of all time)

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thea2
On 24/03/2017 at 12:43 AM, frednsa said:

... now i'm too old,...

@frednsa IMHO there’s no such thing as too old. Just do it now. There never is a right time, and there always are plenty of reasons not to do it. It seems to me that you are making an excuse now, the same way you have been doing for the last 50 years. 🍀

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
On 27/12/2017 at 3:17 PM, PolyamerousTantric said:

The biggest danger here is that a man's body can figure out when a woman is not a sexual possibility.  This has happened with me and my asexual wife.  Now my body tends to want to just go to sleep around her.  It has become much more difficult to satisfy her needs as an intellectual who wants to have a good conversation.  

 

So basically, a man's body will foolishly donate tons of creative energy if there's even a possibility of sex.  Once that possibility is completely extinguished, there are bound to be some problems.  

 

Even if my wife doesn't care about sexuality, she absolutely cares about the way I use my sexual energy to satisfy her in other ways such as mental stimulation.

I am a woman, but I have seen this happen in my life. I am attracted to intelligence, but the other side of it is that I am also very invigorated by my partner and it is a creative energy of sorts indeed. The times when my ace has been oblivious to the sexual side of things, I have tended to be very withdrawn as well. There is affection, but there isn't energy. It may partly be because if I am guarding against acting sexual him, I am not spontaneous and it reflects in an overall lack of spontaniety - of which a major part is the constant flow of ideas, deliberation, discussion.... it isn't that we can't talk, but that spark is definitely.... low.

 

This doesn't happen with men I don't have a sexual relationship with, so I think it is more a side effect of me being careful around him than a lack of a sexual aspect specifically, though the energy sexual desire brings to an overall relationship can't be denied. My ace too really enjoys it when I am sexually satisfied, because I get more engaging, affectionate, vibrant and spontaneous overall. In the sense that the "high" for lack of a better word, is not limited to the sexual, it is an overall sense of well being and operating at full power.

 

When I am frustrated, I feel.... dull, restless, or just resigned and disinterested.

 

I think he senses this too, and definitely wants me to be sexually interested in this relationship.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I think we feel the lack of desire in our direction as a lack of reciprocation of any energy we're  putting in, and the natural response is to stop putting in that energy. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
mrbeanatural

I am envious of those whose partners actually acknowledge their condition and encourage them to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs. Some of us are not so lucky. Though in all honesty, I would have no idea how to begin if that were an option. With no other alternative, I have found solace in more secretive outlets such as gentlemen's clubs. I do not consider it cheating and do not feel guilty about it after the fact. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Andrion

I'm a sexual male and my love is Asexual and i can only say this relationship has been the purest thing i have had ever
its been six months almost seven and i love her more and more each day

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SG100084

That's how I felt about my wife when we started Andrion. But we didn't know about ACE back in the late 90s. I hope no other generations have to make the same mistakes we did. As long as people are up front about it and offer other options, I think we're all going to be so much happier. I'm going to make sure my sons know about this issue, as nobody ever told me.

My oldest saw an email that was suspicious the other day and he was "Dad, why have you got this?" and I had to lie. That was 5 days ago. 2 days into my aha moment, I'm going to have to have a talk with him that he doesn't need to worry about this. My other son, I have a suspicion might be ACE too. So I'm no longer going to ask him about girls etc.. So much learned in just 2 days. 

Mr Bean.. if you want to reach out, please do. I've been there.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
On 7/26/2018 at 3:12 PM, SG100084 said:

My oldest saw an email that was suspicious the other day and he was "Dad, why have you got this?" and I had to lie. That was 5 days ago. 2 days into my aha moment, I'm going to have to have a talk with him that he doesn't need to worry about this.

You may need to discuss what he found with your wife first and ideally speak with any children needing to be informed together, or at least in a similar manner. In general, it is a bad idea to discuss things with children that could blindside your partner. It is likely to worry your son more if you speak about it in one way and his mother in another. Particularly if it appears to be something traditionally understood as a "betrayal" of his mother and she is not able to sound ok about it.

 

If your wife and you aren't on the same page about this, it may be wise to continue to conceal it from your son and use the necessary discretion and lies when unavoidable till he is old enough to have options to avoid being around you/her if he chooses and isn't forced to become a helpless accomplice to what he sees as undesirable behavior. The choices of parents should not become the burden of children.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 3/4/2005 at 9:02 AM, Identity_Crisis said:

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

You can't. Get over it, release your partner from his/her mental nightmare and find a new life for yourself.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 6/6/2018 at 1:49 AM, Andrion said:

I'm a sexual male and my love is Asexual and i can only say this relationship has been the purest thing i have had ever
its been six months almost seven and i love her more and more each day

Yeah, how often do you have sex with her then? If your partner is asexual then she will not be doing this mutually.

Think about that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bks

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
1 hour ago, Bks said:

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

I could have written your post a few months ago. It is what it is. We have very special men, who simply aren't into sex, though they can enjoy it. I have no answers. Sometimes I find contentment in seducing him (after which he enjoys). Other times, I steer clear and he is absolutely 100% fine to the point of not even noticing that I haven't been as close.

 

I am in a pretty depressed phase right now, but my larger picture is "FUCK IT". We've got enough solid good stuff going. He's always been iffy on the sex and I'm no longer interested. If I want to get laid, I'll find someone (not him - I'm polyamorous). If he wants to offer sex, I am able to enjoy it but it never feels like "togetherness" the way sex used to.

 

I've stopped overthinking this. If sex happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't, if I find some other hot guy, I'm so going to rock his dreams for exactly a day and a half before I come to my senses and realize I'm asocial and I don't actually want to add another person to my life.

 

Which brings me to a date planned for this Sunday. I'm meeting someone who sounds very interesting. If it works out, it could be just the answer to both our needs.

 

My ace is not going to be an answer to my sexual needs. I'm pretty clear on that right now.

 

Of course, I went into this relationship explicitly not promising monogamy. Which now turns out to be serendipity. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
2 hours ago, Bks said:

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

I'm male, but otherwise pretty much the same situation with the genders swapped.  My wife loves me, (and I love her) but she just doesn't have more than a tiny bit of sexual desire. 

 

You *are* missing out - because there are many men out there who would desire you, and whom you would desire.  How important that missing part of your life is to you, only you can say.    

 

Having dealt with this for 30 years all I can say is for you to give up hope. Really.  Convince yourself that it will never change, that he is just naturally this way, and then decide how you want to live your life.  Nothing is more frustrating that constantly hoping and trying for something that simply isn't there.

 

Its very lonely -  because almost no one will understand the situation you are in, they will just talk about what a wonderful marriage you have. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Melowcotones

Hi, I'm an Ace of 27 yo. I'm new on Aven. I've been in a wonderful relationship with my partner of 32 yo for three years and a half. Everything's fine, except in the bedroom.

 

We were planning to get married, but now that I know what I am, I refuse. He probably thinks the same.

 

Our couple is still young, maybe that's why we are still hopeful that we can work it out and stay together forever, even though he is a Hyper Sexual.

 

He doesn't want to come on the forum to seek some support. Says that it won't change the current situation. 

 

Before knowing that I'm an Ace, I felt so guilty refusing him , and he felt so bad, always trying to force it on me.

 

I've been putting on my phone, in an app, for more than a year now, when we have sex, and how many times. I check it at least once a week, and when I see that we haven't had any sex for more than a week, I initiate sex. So, for a year and a half or so, maybe two, we have sex at least once a week.

 

Sure it's not enough for him, but I asked him to masturbate more often, and he does. I let him record and take pictures, when he asks. Sometimes I can't let him do that, feels like I'm in a porn. But that's me he desires, it's me he wants to make love to. To masturbate, he needs videos. So I let him do that. Porn helps, of course, to add some spice I suppose, because we have really basic, gentle, innocent, how do you say that? Vanilla sex? 

 

I love him deeply. He's my soul mate. For me, to imagine him having sex with another woman, even kissing someone else is too painful! I can't. I'm so scared that he would fall in love with someone else!

I'm selfish, I know. I told him he could leave le if it's too unbearable. But he said that it was not really a choice, because he loved me so much that leaving me was not an option right now. We are trapped by our own feelings for each other. 

 

So, because I never think about having sex, I use an app. And I asked him two days ago, when I '' discovered'' I was an Ace, I cried so much in despair, I begged him to try again and again to have sex with me and insist and never give up because I usually give in. To not give me up. I know that one day he will be too tired to always ask me to have sex, to always initiate it. But now he' s not. I hope he's not. 

 

For now, I can bear having sex once in a while. Sometimes I can bear it everyday, several times a day, for a week or two. Then I can't for the time equivalent, sometimes longer. It depends on the frequency we have sex. Fortunately, we communicate a lot. There was a time in our life when I just fled. I hide from him. It was the most painful time of our couple's life. Then I told him about my low sexual drive. That it was me, not him. That I found him so freaking handsome! But he wouldn't make the difference between finding someone beautiful and desirable. For him, I just didn't love him anymore. I made the mistake, when we started going out, to fake the desire to have sex, because I knew that it was what I was supposed to do. Everyone told me '' oh you'll see, when you're going to meet a guy, you'll have sex at least three times a day the first three months! '' so I counted. Three times today, check! I'm normal! 

I wanted to be normal because I wasn't aware of the existance of the asexuality. 

Even now, my boyfriend tells me '' but at the beginning you wanted to have sex as much as I did! '' it's really painful to tell him the truth. He still doesn't believe it. That I faked it, to be normal, to be with him, to satisfy him, because he asked I didn't want to refuse him, because it was new and I was curious, because I hoped it would change and I would someday love it, crave it! 

 

I saw a sex therapist and a psychologist. What a joke. '' It will come, masturbate, don't worry. Not working? Then you don't love him. Asexuality? What is that? No desire to have sex? Pffft! Impossible, we're animals, it's engraved in us, in our DNA. Asexuality does not exist! You just have issues with it, maybe because of your mother/father/cat or whatever! We will find out! '' 

 

I was waiting for the burning desire that put fire in your veins that you can read in erotica scenes in books. Still desperately waiting. I know now that I won't change. 

 

We believe in us. We believe we can make it through. We believe in compromising. We trust each other. He is the love of my life, I don't want to make him a prisoner. But we're not there yet. There is still hope.

 

Much Love and Respect. Cheers 🥧

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Welcome to AVEN, @Melowcotones!  🍰

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

@Melocotones  I know you want to do the right thing, but having lived in this situation for >30 years, I want to say a few things.

 

Most sexuals do not just want sex, they want *desire*, they want a partner who wants them ,not who is willing to put up with sex for them. Its not the physical sensation of sex that matters, but the closeness of being with someone sharing desire and pleasure.  Its very difficult to describe because as an ACE you don't get that reaction.  Its like a music lover trying to explain the importance of of music to someone who doesn't like music.  How can you explain why a particular set of sounds is beautiful and moving?

 

The very fact that you need reminders means that you don't desire him.  He will always know , or at least suspect that you are just doing it for him, and he will always feel like he is some way mistreating you, almost abusing you by using you as a "tool" for his lusts.

 

There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but you are as incompatible with a sexual person as you would be if you were a lesbian. 

 

I love my wife, and she loves me - we should be perfect together. But the sexual mismatch is a dark cloud that hangs over everything, it turns happy passionate love into what feels like acting. I know just how bad it is because for whatever reason about 10 years ago she had a brief surge in desire.  We walked down the street holding hands - kissed in elevators.   Had frequent and actually passionate sex. She actually said she couldn't keep her hands off of me and meant it.  For that brief time, and the only time in my life, I actually felt what it was like to be in love.    Now it is just a memory. 

 

You can find someone who is compatible with your level of sexual desire.  Someone who won't spend their life hating themselves for resenting you. Someone who will truly love you, not have that hollow look behind their eyes that belies the words that they say. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
starweb

My husband is sexual, I am not.  I didn't know what I was until late in our marriage. All I knew was, I didn't want sex but thought that was what I was supposed to do...but when we did, I did the disassociation thing. Could never figure out why I was this way, there was no trauma that I was aware of,  so perhaps it was my religious background that taught abstinence until marriage. That wasn't it either.  I liked romance and being together but that was it. We never talked about it because ew....why talk about something I would find boring? It would be like talking about the inner working of jet engines...although now that I think of it, that would be more interesting to me than talking about sex.  Talking about sex was just as difficult as having sex. Not easy for me to do. He was however very vocal about wanting it 'more'. 

 

I finally came up with my own solution.  He knew nothing about this. We would have sex twice a week. It wasn't appointment sex, it was just me keeping track...I would think...it's Wednesday, we did it last Friday so probably tonight would be good.' I'd go out of my way to get myself into that mindset and made sure it happened. It was an absolute and total pain but I did it and I think he got acclimated to the 'routine', or at least he didn't complain anymore. 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
2 hours ago, starweb said:

My husband is sexual, I am not.  I didn't know what I was until late in our marriage. All I knew was, I didn't want sex but thought that was what I was supposed to do...but when we did, I did the disassociation thing. Could never figure out why I was this way, there was no trauma that I was aware of,  so perhaps it was my religious background that taught abstinence until marriage. That wasn't it either.  I liked romance and being together but that was it. We never talked about it because ew....why talk about something I would find boring? It would be like talking about the inner working of jet engines...although now that I think of it, that would be more interesting to me than talking about sex.  Talking about sex was just as difficult as having sex. Not easy for me to do. He was however very vocal about wanting it 'more'. 

 

I finally came up with my own solution.  He knew nothing about this. We would have sex twice a week. It wasn't appointment sex, it was just me keeping track...I would think...it's Wednesday, we did it last Friday so probably tonight would be good.' I'd go out of my way to get myself into that mindset and made sure it happened. It was an absolute and total pain but I did it and I think he got acclimated to the 'routine', or at least he didn't complain anymore. 

 

 

 

 

It was very good of you to do this for him.  Unfortunately he may still have been aware that you were not enjoying it.  My wife has tried something similar (I think), she tries to provide "acceptable" sexual activities every week (on sundays, which is our chore day....quite a hint).  I'm never sure how to respond

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
7 minutes ago, uhtred said:

It was very good of you to do this for him.  Unfortunately he may still have been aware that you were not enjoying it.  My wife has tried something similar (I think), she tries to provide "acceptable" sexual activities every week (on sundays, which is our chore day....quite a hint).  I'm never sure how to respond

Some people are probably more perceptive regarding, and more concerned about, this than others.  On the other side, acting chops vary as well.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
iff

Welcome @Melowcotones

 

Hope it works out for you and your boyfriend. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
starweb
On 9/14/2018 at 2:14 PM, uhtred said:

It was very good of you to do this for him.  Unfortunately he may still have been aware that you were not enjoying it.  My wife has tried something similar (I think), she tries to provide "acceptable" sexual activities every week (on sundays, which is our chore day....quite a hint).  I'm never sure how to respond

Oh, it was fine. I even hit the big O. Thing is that doesn't change anything. It doesn't spark anything, it doesn't magically cause me to suddenly start experiencing sexual attraction. After it's all over, I'm still the same person I was before, perfectly content to live without sex.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NapoliGirl
On 9/6/2018 at 1:57 PM, Bks said:

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

Basically my story as well, even the discussions and reactions, except I don't get the out -of- the- bedroom affection at all.  Married 27 years.  The longest we went without was for the past 10 years, and that was because I just stopped initiating.  Before that it was maybe one romp per year when I absolutely couldn't take the lack.  

 

Couples counseling, hours of heart to heart talks, individual therapy, support groups for me, that's what we have done over the past 2 years.

 

We are now in divorce proceedings.  I've stayed in this marriage long enough and I had my reasons for doing so,  Those reasons no longer serve me.  I refuse to live the rest of my life this way.  If I am to be alone, then I will be alone on my terms, not his.  That's the reality.

 

You will find a lot of insight here, support, suggestions, and all that.  It can work, but it's tough and you will have to continue to compromise.  Search deep within yourself and find out whether you truly want to invest.  

 

Good luck!

 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
desertdad

I can't believe I found this site. I thought I was alone in this situation. 12 years without, she won't go to counseling, and is just completely uninterested in any contact. I'm so desperate for intimacy, not just sex, but I just can't think straight anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

@desertdad it’s tough when the realization hits, but with time and more input comes clarity for you - whatever that means.  It’s different for everyone.  Sadly, welcome.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
desertdad

Thank you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now