To Sexual Partners

May 17, 2014

Don't click that link unless you want, like, 900 hours of your life sucked away.... :)

May 17, 2014

In love with Diane, you're not married to her. From what I remember (although I may be wrong), you don't even live with her. She's your girlfriend, not your life partner of 20 years with 4 kids in the house. If you don't like the situation, because you feel controlled and you are unhappy, frustrated, and resentful, you need not stay in it. It's your choice what you do with your life.

June 10, 2014

Hi there. This is my first time posting on here. I occasionally come on to read the forums ever since I found out my boyfriend is asexual about 3 months ago.

I was recently feeling really depressed from a mixture of things including work and a lack of sex. My boyfriend is generally pretty good about having sex with me a couple times a week, but I started a new birth control that made my period last for about a month, so I was getting really cranky and starting to worry more about if mine and his sexuality differences were going to cause lots of trouble in the future. Because I really love him. I don't really believe in soulmates or fate, but upon meeting him, I have questioned that.

Well, I finally told him how I was feeling and things I was thinking and he responded with this message which I felt was necessary to share with other sexuals so they can get a better perspective on how some asexuals feel. This is what he sent me:

"Intimacy is an interesting word, and it holds completely different meanings for the both of us. No, I will never feel an emotional bond through sex like most people do. And it kills me to know that I won't. That feeling of love, lust, and desire formed through the most primitive of human activities is completely beyond me and I could never imagine what that feels like. I never will know what that feels like. But I know you and the vast majority of people will never understand the feeling that I get when cuddling. The sheer ecstasy brought about when you rub your hand down my back. Or the butterflies I get when you smile at me. The feeling of intimacy that I receive when you do nothing more than kiss my bare shoulder or lay your head on my chest. I don't think you could ever understand how these things make me feel as I could never understand how a sexual bond makes you feel. I know that these things make me feel better than they make your average person feel. Just because I lack sexual desire, doesn't mean I don't feel intimately about you any less than you feel about me, we just feel it differently. And just because I form my emotional connections through different means, doesn't mean that I love you any less than you love me. I am quite capable of forming these romantic connections without the sexual ones. I've always thought I was just emotionally inept, that I'd never love or care about anyone or anything. I've always thought that I was messed up. Not caring about the same things as everyone else my age. Not being a booty chaser, or even caring to think about sex 24/7. Hell I'm a 21 year old man, my sex drive should be my greatest achievement thus far in life and yet it is non existent. I can't get away from sex, as a society we are buried in it. Sex drives our lives, it sells clothes, as a society we are told it is the key to a healthy relationship, we are told it is the key to life... But not for me. If there is something that can make someone feel misplaced this is it. I felt as if I could never love or have a healthy relationship... Because this is what we are told as a society. But then I met you. And if I never hold another hand, if I never have another head lie on my chest... I'm ok with that. Because the way I feel when our hands touch or our bodies are curled up together, is better than anything I will ever feel in this life or the next. I wish I were normal, I wish every day that I were different. And you make me feel as close to normal as I will ever be. If this isn't intimacy then I could never be intimate with anyone. And I know it's difficult to understand but I appreciate the fact that you try."

June 14, 2014

Hi there. This is my first time posting on here. I occasionally come on to read the forums ever since I found out my boyfriend is asexual about 3 months ago.

I was recently feeling really depressed from a mixture of things including work and a lack of sex. My boyfriend is generally pretty good about having sex with me a couple times a week, but I started a new birth control that made my period last for about a month, so I was getting really cranky and starting to worry more about if mine and his sexuality differences were going to cause lots of trouble in the future. Because I really love him. I don't really believe in soulmates or fate, but upon meeting him, I have questioned that.

Well, I finally told him how I was feeling and things I was thinking and he responded with this message which I felt was necessary to share with other sexuals so they can get a better perspective on how some asexuals feel. This is what he sent me:

"Intimacy is an interesting word, and it holds completely different meanings for the both of us. No, I will never feel an emotional bond through sex like most people do. And it kills me to know that I won't. That feeling of love, lust, and desire formed through the most primitive of human activities is completely beyond me and I could never imagine what that feels like. I never will know what that feels like. But I know you and the vast majority of people will never understand the feeling that I get when cuddling. The sheer ecstasy brought about when you rub your hand down my back. Or the butterflies I get when you smile at me. The feeling of intimacy that I receive when you do nothing more than kiss my bare shoulder or lay your head on my chest. I don't think you could ever understand how these things make me feel as I could never understand how a sexual bond makes you feel. I know that these things make me feel better than they make your average person feel. Just because I lack sexual desire, doesn't mean I don't feel intimately about you any less than you feel about me, we just feel it differently. And just because I form my emotional connections through different means, doesn't mean that I love you any less than you love me. I am quite capable of forming these romantic connections without the sexual ones. I've always thought I was just emotionally inept, that I'd never love or care about anyone or anything. I've always thought that I was messed up. Not caring about the same things as everyone else my age. Not being a booty chaser, or even caring to think about sex 24/7. Hell I'm a 21 year old man, my sex drive should be my greatest achievement thus far in life and yet it is non existent. I can't get away from sex, as a society we are buried in it. Sex drives our lives, it sells clothes, as a society we are told it is the key to a healthy relationship, we are told it is the key to life... But not for me. If there is something that can make someone feel misplaced this is it. I felt as if I could never love or have a healthy relationship... Because this is what we are told as a society. But then I met you. And if I never hold another hand, if I never have another head lie on my chest... I'm ok with that. Because the way I feel when our hands touch or our bodies are curled up together, is better than anything I will ever feel in this life or the next. I wish I were normal, I wish every day that I were different. And you make me feel as close to normal as I will ever be. If this isn't intimacy then I could never be intimate with anyone. And I know it's difficult to understand but I appreciate the fact that you try."

Cute letter. Very cute.

I find it interesting that dogs mount other dogs, and its not a form of intimacy. But they love a good scratch, and will show you plenty of affection for that. Humans are different sexually from a lot of other animals because we pontificate about sex and build cultures around it. Other animals can communicate, but they do not think about things with language like humans. I guess what I'm trying to say, is I think sex is very much a social thing we pick up from experience that can be shaped by culture. Is there really any logical reason why putting your penis in someone would be more emotionally stimulating than exchanging massages? Yes. Its the Walmart of oxytocin, the 'cuddle drug'. After an orgasm, humans release this chemical, along with others, that in general create a positive association your current state of affairs. Can we get oxytocin from other forms of interaction with others? Definitely, especially if that other person is someone you're just entering into a deep emotional relationship with. Perhaps there is no oxytocin release after an orgasm for some people who are asexual, I guess we could only know if people would bother to do some real experiments regarding this subject. Irregardless, the point I'm trying to make is that it does have an aspect that can connect people emotionally, but its not the only way.

So there is something else at work here, I believe: At least here in the good ol' U-Sex-A where I'm from: When we're young we're taught that sex is romantic, which is pleasant, and that its between a man and a women. Who both have body definition. Even Shakespeare has been programming our sex computer in western culture for generations. Sex=lust but paradoxically love. Why? Because guess who came up with love? Humans. When we say a cat loves us, well, maybe, but they certainly don't see it that way and neither do they have the complex set of emotions we do when we think 'love'. So what about sex? Tied to love? Probably not. Sure, some animals mate for life, but does that mean sex=love? I would be skeptical. When we sneeze, we're essentially doing what a dog does when he humps. Its not a choice. The dog chooses to 'mount' something, but the humping action is controlled by unconscious parts of the brain. But humans initiate all aspects of sexual interaction. The only thing involuntary is the orgasm, really. Because sex is so social in human culture, I do not find it surprising a lot of us have put it in the 'love' box, along with a number of other complex interactions.

For me, as someone who enjoys sexual expression (maybe a little too much at some points in my life :P), It has done a lot of good to think about these aspects of sexual behavior and love. Because I 'love' someone who found sex interesting, novel, good for a laugh, something to collect all the level ups and trophies for...and then a game to collect dust and be brought back out every now and then to replay a favorite level for old times sake!

It hurt on two levels. One was on an intimacy level, because for me sex was very much in my love box. But it was also in the porn box, thank you America. It was in the instant gratification box right up there next to ding dong msg laced fried KFC delight! Titillate all your senses times a thousand! Pass the vodka! Roll out the crack pipes!

And so I felt dejected because it was about love, and angry and horny because it was about fear of losing something that possessed the ability to make me feel really emotionally high without a lot of work. In order to lessen the effect of any dysregulating thought process, the flaws in your thinking have to be right up there in your face so much so that you cannot rationalize them away anymore. And that's not fun.

These days, I exhibit sexual behavior much less than I used to. I also do not plunder sex from my poor wife like some crazed thief in the night. I get most of my positive shared emotional feelings from non-sexual interaction, but sex is fun and emotionally rewarding, too. I also masturbate to pornography periodically, but I'm careful about how much and what I'm looking at (not just for personal ethical reasons, but because I think a lot of it can have a restrictive impact on how I normally experience sexuality). I also consciously do not entertain or masturbate to fantasies that I feel could have a negative impact on my relationship with my wife--this usually constitutes sex with people I know and am emotionally invested in, because there are other feelings tied up in these fantasies that aren't positive for any of my real world relationships. I still struggle with my desire for sexual expression sometimes, but I am extremely happy living with my dear family and it in no way detracts from my strong feelings of affection for my wife. I am not 'repressing' my sexuality, and I am not doing it for my wife's sake--I am doing it because I know culture plays a pivotal roll in the intensity of my sexuality and outlet, and what I feel I 'need'. And this influence is not always in my best interest, irregardless of whether my wife feels urges to act out sexual behavior or not.

I find it helpful to keep in mind that sex has something in common with junk food: Its wonderful, it can make you feel nice, but you don't need it. This is as far as I can take the food analogy, because unlike food, not having sex is not going to kill you or make you more at risk for prostate cancer...this is preposterous. And yes, people can refrain from the donuts. Maybe they don't want to and they're not going to, but its important to remember that in the end you're the one who decides whether you have sex or not. Its not a sneeze. Aside from the experience of spontaneous orgasm or increased blood flow to the genitals, humans can decide whether or not to exhibit sexual behavior. And yes, it sucks when culture puts it in your face, but at least if you're conscious of whats going on it might be a bit easier to deal with the frustration.

Revulsion to non-sexual stimulus like hugging and kissing (which needn't be sexual) is actually more difficult to work around than sex for me. I think most humans, like the sad Harry Harlow monkey experiments would suggest

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow#Partial_and_total_isolation_of_infant_monkeys

are hardwired for gentle, physical contact for emotional attachment. Sometimes there is still a dull sense of depression when my wife is in a sensitive state and I must dutifully refrain from being too close or even rocking furniture. But it usually doesn't bother me anymore because it isn't all the time, and we have lots of physical contact most of the time. It used to really make me feel awful, especially when it was a behavior that flied in the face of our early courtship. I honestly do not have any advice for individuals in a relationship like this who need physical contact for security. It would be nice if someone else could share an experience with this (or maybe they have--I've only read a couple pages and the last one in this long thread so far >_<).

So...what has worked for me (not that it'll necessarily work for others :P)?

Becoming aware that culture has made me more fixated and emotionally invested in sexual behavior than I would have been on my own, and has influenced how I express it.

Not fantasizing about sex with other people I know, or sexual behavior with my wife that is unrealistic.

Not making a big deal out of sex: 1. I usually initiate to see if she's interested, and if she's not, I don't make a big deal out of it. 2. Sometimes I look at porn--I don't make it a secret and I try to refrain from looking at things that I know have a history of causing me to act out my sexuality unhealthily, which will end in a bad time for my wife and myself.

As a lot of people tell everyone else here, I communicate alllllll the time with my wife, so hopefully we don't cross wires.

Enjoying sexual behavior as an individual, rather than it always having to include another.

Accepting my wife, and accepting myself. (Trying to find ways to make my wife more sexual just ended up making us both grumpy, and trying to completely cease sexual behavior on my part has proved unhealthy, and has usually led to emotional instability that hurt myself and my wife, and lead to unhealthy masturbatory binges to deal with the stress.)

I'll post more if I can think of anything--now I have to read all these interesting posts!

November 26, 2014

Hi everyone!

This is my first post, and I'm so relief that I found this website because I was starting to feel really lonely.

I'm married to an asexual, we have been togheter for 11 years, 8 of them as a married couple, and during this 8 years our most constant fight has been over sex, part of it because when we started dating we had really amazing and constant sex, and that lasted the first 2 years, and we continue to have amazing sex when we go out and she drinks, and when we thought that we were ready to have kids; the other 9 years I tried everything, I read so many articles on "Spicing up the sex life" or "Rekindle desire" that I practically know them by heart, I tried everything that was part of those articles talking, more romantic, less romantic, more passionate, playing it cool, getting mad, getting sad, re decorating the bedroom, etc. And doing anything to eliminate the motives that she would give me to not have sex. (Even a vasectomy, because she was afraid of getting pregnant again and she didn't want to take pills because it changed her metabolism) At a certain point we both read articles and started to read them together and made plans to reactivate our sex life, which gave me some sort of hope, but obviously that never happened, she could barely start the plan and then she would quit.

I've also became so insecure about myself because of the constant rejections that I receive in bed, I thought (and probably still think) that she didn't love me, that she didn't find me attractive, that she found me disgusting, that she didn't love me enough to at least try, and that she would have sex if she was in a relationship with someone else (that was reinforced by the fact that I found suggestive text messages and chats with some ex's and other people some years ago)

Lately I can't sleep, I think because deep down I still feel this situation as a personal failure.

Reading the posts helped me a lot, but I still needed to get all of this out of my chest, because I can't really talk to my partner, she thinks I'm playing a victim part, and that I'm shallow enough to feel all of this out of the lack of physical contact. She even suggested that I should find someone else to have sex with, but she doesn't get that I'm in love with her so I don't want someone else, I would never do anything to put my marriage at risk.

We are still great together and we have 2 amazing kids, I like to think that I'm a good dad and that I'm a good husband.

Finding an answer to some of my questions in this site has been really good, (on top of helping me disregard the obvious physical and psychological issues that doctors tend to point) I now understand that this is a decision that she made based on how she feels about sex, but I still have some questions on how to handle the relationship and end those insecurities that grew up on me.

I find it really difficult to sleep in the same bed, to see her change clothes, to cuddle, to hug and kiss her in bed, or to hear her say some things like "you are the sexiest man I've seen", deep down i think she is mocking me, I think that going to sleep in another room could help, but I'm afraid that this would make us more distant, I need to find some alternatives that can help me stay with my partner but stop feeling like this (I really want to be able to sleep without that prior feeling of loneliness and failure) I know that this is something that I should talk with her but she has proved that she can't hear this things without underestimating me. She never felt any kind of need to help me deal with her decision in a better way, she still wants everything else to be perfect, and she can't accept that I'm going through so many emotions and feelings that like someone else said before tend to come back after some time.

I'm sorry if some parts of my writing are not fully understandable, you probably figured out by now that English is not my first language and that I don't live in an English speaking country.

November 29, 2014

So I came here looking for support and advice hopefully from those in the community that have more experience in this than I do. Well here I go...

So I just turned nineteen a few days ago and my partner turned nineteen last month so we are still fairly young so the topic of sexuality has only been seriously brought up in our relationship a few times. My boyfriend and I have been dating for what will be four years this upcoming February. I love him, more than I could have ever imagined loving a person. The amount that we understand each other on such a deep intense level sometimes is unfathomable for myself. Before him I honestly thought no one would ever love me due to my appearance, personality, interests or whatever; my self-estem was so low that I honestly couldnt stand myself as a person, but I hid it from everyone. The summer before my first year of highschool I met my now boyfriend due to another person I was persuing at the time. After I met him though I felt like I truly connected with someone, just by meeting him once. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew there was something. A spark something I couldnt just let go of. Sadly at the time he was with another person and I held off any advanced do to respect for them. During that fall I had dated his friend for only a few months and broke it off after realizing I couldn't date someone I had no feelings for. His friend hated me told everyone how horrid of a person I was and that he couldnt understand how I had ever made any friends by how much of a 'bitch' I was. After that though my current boyfriend and I still remained friends even after all the things his friend/ my ex told everyone. That winter his girlfriend and him broke up and we became closer we began to see eachother in person rather than online and it came to the point where we would stay up until 4 a.m. just to talk about the universe. I think I knew I loved him then, but afraid of what his friend might do or say or the fear of losing my now closest friend I didnt want to risk our friendship for something so fleeting as love. For over a year we remained friends, closer than anything until finally we both were honest and told each other our feelings. We took everything slow, we were together for a few months before we gave each other our first kiss. I was the one who always tried to further our physical side to our relationship, whether it be french kissing or cuddling it was always me and it worried me at first. I thought it was do to my appearance that he did not want anything more physical. After two years I started to question why he didn't persue a more sexual relationship, I thought of all the excuses such as we were too young, we couldnt at our parents house, maybe he hadn't hit that stage of puperty or matured yet. So I didn't push it, I mentally told myself I'd let him decide when to make the move since I had with everything else and I wanted him to be ready and be on his terms. After a year of that we were in college and I began to question again when it would happen. I used to call him my sheepish little lamb because he wasnt too fond of physical aspects of a relationship, he didn't pariticpate in what most boys his age would and he always would apologize when acidentally brushing against my breast. Now though I questioned why, at the very beginning of our relationship he told me he never wanted to, but I didn't understand or really believe him so I brushed it off. Finally I was thinking he was serious, I didn't understand why. My friend suggested to me that he was gay and I was his cover which was the most hurtful thing I'd ever heard from someone. I was in love with this person, and he loved me; he just didn't want to have sex with me... I didn't understand. Asexual was a term that was then used by another friend of mine, it all seemed to line up and make sense when I finally heard that term. I had never asked him in depth why due to my own confidence issues in the aspect of sexuality and my own shyness as well as his. This term though was like a lightbulb, finally after a few months after I heard that term my friend asked him if he was and he openly said yes. I was floored, part of my heart sunk into my chest because I loved him and wanted to have a sexual relationship with him for so long. It was definate now though, a few days later we talked for so long on Skype about our relationship. I told him I knew I was sexual, but I still loved him and wanted to be with him and he told me he loved me as well. He told me if I needed to have sex with other people he would understand, but I couldnt participate in a relationship like that. So I told him I'd give up that desire so I could be with him. For the last six months I've been dealing with that choice, I love him all the same, but sometimes I wake up crying knowing I'll never be able to have something most people get to experience in their lives at least once. The other night we finally had a long talk was we laid in his bed cuddling we talked for three hours about what we want for our life together and we discussed our sexualities in depth for the first time. It was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders, but I still feel a sense of loss over this. People say that it won't work between us, but honestly I'd give up everything to be with him for the rest of my life. I want a life with him where we can cook meals and watch cartoons and play games, but I need to find a way to be happy with myself sexually. Cuddling is beautiful, and kissing is as well, but theres still a part of me that needs something more and I don't know how to help that. For those of you who read this book of a post thank you, if you have any advice I'd really love to hear it. I need all the help I can get, its been hard finding people to talk to or who understand the situation or have even know what asexuality is much less been in a long term relationship with an asexual partner. So thanks again. <3

November 30, 2014

So I came here looking for support and advice hopefully from those in the community that have more experience in this than I do. Well here I go...

So I just turned nineteen a few days ago and my partner turned nineteen last month so we are still fairly young so the topic of sexuality has only been seriously brought up in our relationship a few times. My boyfriend and I have been dating for what will be four years this upcoming February. I love him, more than I could have ever imagined loving a person. The amount that we understand each other on such a deep intense level sometimes is unfathomable for myself. Before him I honestly thought no one would ever love me due to my appearance, personality, interests or whatever; my self-estem was so low that I honestly couldnt stand myself as a person, but I hid it from everyone. The summer before my first year of highschool I met my now boyfriend due to another person I was persuing at the time. After I met him though I felt like I truly connected with someone, just by meeting him once. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew there was something. A spark something I couldnt just let go of. Sadly at the time he was with another person and I held off any advanced do to respect for them. During that fall I had dated his friend for only a few months and broke it off after realizing I couldn't date someone I had no feelings for. His friend hated me told everyone how horrid of a person I was and that he couldnt understand how I had ever made any friends by how much of a 'bitch' I was. After that though my current boyfriend and I still remained friends even after all the things his friend/ my ex told everyone. That winter his girlfriend and him broke up and we became closer we began to see eachother in person rather than online and it came to the point where we would stay up until 4 a.m. just to talk about the universe. I think I knew I loved him then, but afraid of what his friend might do or say or the fear of losing my now closest friend I didnt want to risk our friendship for something so fleeting as love. For over a year we remained friends, closer than anything until finally we both were honest and told each other our feelings. We took everything slow, we were together for a few months before we gave each other our first kiss. I was the one who always tried to further our physical side to our relationship, whether it be french kissing or cuddling it was always me and it worried me at first. I thought it was do to my appearance that he did not want anything more physical. After two years I started to question why he didn't persue a more sexual relationship, I thought of all the excuses such as we were too young, we couldnt at our parents house, maybe he hadn't hit that stage of puperty or matured yet. So I didn't push it, I mentally told myself I'd let him decide when to make the move since I had with everything else and I wanted him to be ready and be on his terms. After a year of that we were in college and I began to question again when it would happen. I used to call him my sheepish little lamb because he wasnt too fond of physical aspects of a relationship, he didn't pariticpate in what most boys his age would and he always would apologize when acidentally brushing against my breast. Now though I questioned why, at the very beginning of our relationship he told me he never wanted to, but I didn't understand or really believe him so I brushed it off. Finally I was thinking he was serious, I didn't understand why. My friend suggested to me that he was gay and I was his cover which was the most hurtful thing I'd ever heard from someone. I was in love with this person, and he loved me; he just didn't want to have sex with me... I didn't understand. Asexual was a term that was then used by another friend of mine, it all seemed to line up and make sense when I finally heard that term. I had never asked him in depth why due to my own confidence issues in the aspect of sexuality and my own shyness as well as his. This term though was like a lightbulb, finally after a few months after I heard that term my friend asked him if he was and he openly said yes. I was floored, part of my heart sunk into my chest because I loved him and wanted to have a sexual relationship with him for so long. It was definate now though, a few days later we talked for so long on Skype about our relationship. I told him I knew I was sexual, but I still loved him and wanted to be with him and he told me he loved me as well. He told me if I needed to have sex with other people he would understand, but I couldnt participate in a relationship like that. So I told him I'd give up that desire so I could be with him. For the last six months I've been dealing with that choice, I love him all the same, but sometimes I wake up crying knowing I'll never be able to have something most people get to experience in their lives at least once. The other night we finally had a long talk was we laid in his bed cuddling we talked for three hours about what we want for our life together and we discussed our sexualities in depth for the first time. It was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders, but I still feel a sense of loss over this. People say that it won't work between us, but honestly I'd give up everything to be with him for the rest of my life. I want a life with him where we can cook meals and watch cartoons and play games, but I need to find a way to be happy with myself sexually. Cuddling is beautiful, and kissing is as well, but theres still a part of me that needs something more and I don't know how to help that. For those of you who read this book of a post thank you, if you have any advice I'd really love to hear it. I need all the help I can get, its been hard finding people to talk to or who understand the situation or have even know what asexuality is much less been in a long term relationship with an asexual partner. So thanks again. <3

Hi Seryu,

I'm a newbie here as well and also have an asexual partner. I can relate to the feeling of loss that you seem to have. I'm not sure if this really helps but I'd say to follow your heart in this matter, and don't give up if this is the person that you do choose to be with. This matter is a very personal one for you and only you can decide what is right but I would say don't give up. I would start off by trying to weigh out the benefits of being this person over the negatives. Its kind of dorky, but I actually made a chart at one point of the positives and negatives of being in an asexual relationship, which was kind of eye opening to have everything in front of my eyes. The negatives were only a few bedroom related things and a long list of positives which was disproportionately longer lol. For me in my journey with my girlfriend I've done a lot of searching and questioning myself in the beginning as to whether or not I was good for this person or visa versa- which is INCREDIBLY difficult to ask yourself especially when you feel so connected with this person. However I think that its important to seriously ask yourself this if you're thinking of making a commitment to someone and theres a large difference in ideals such as this. Its scary, but critical to do this. I think that you'll thank yourself for making what ever decision you make if you make it informed and mindfully. I'll share a bit of my perspective, I'm 25 now and have known this person ever since year one of high school.

I always wanted to be closer to this person but would always shy away, but quite some time ago our relationship began to flourish into friends and eventually progressed into a relationship. I've had to ask myself do I really want to be with this person and am I right for them, especially considering that I'm very cuddly and she's less so. In my experience this is kind of difficult to get used to, but I try to remember that she has her own needs too and that I need to respect them. I also came to appreciate acts of affection alot more I would say. In fact I would say that my long term asexy relationship taught me what a relationship really is. When I was younger, especially around your age I thought of relationships as being based around sex in order to be considered normal or successful. But being with my ace I learned that sex is such a small part of any relationship. I look at all the things that my ace and I have that other people dont- our bond is incredibly strong. In fact both of us remark that other people seem to be intimidated by our bond. And I've never had a relationship as deep and amazing with any other person. I feel kind of lucky because it seems that theres alot of problems we'll never have to deal with regarding the bedroom.

I learned that there's so much more to being with a person than the act of sex, and shes the one who taught me about that without intending to do so. I also feel incredible when I'm with her and we never have over all these years ran out of things to say. We've made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together, and relationship wise I've came to terms that though we don't have sex I feel fulfilled in every other area personally. We love spending time together, support each other's dreams, sleep together- make long term plans together. Considering everything I have I feel very lucky and wouldn't trade her for any other person.

I would say that in the beginning its definitely not easy(especially if your partner is very attractive), you both need to talk a lot and always be aware of how the other person feels- also try to find out how he defines his asexuality so you understand him deeper. Be thankful for the relationship you're in, and try not to focus on what you don't have- think about and give thanks for what you two share. In the beginning I've tried to understand her perspective which has really helped. In some ways I consider people to be alot like robots, each of us have been uniquely programmed and have different soft ware. I cant control how other people are programmed and visa versa, nor should I wish to change it. And though she has a different set of code than I do in one area, it doesn't mean that she loves me any less- she just experiences things in a different way. Though she may not enjoy certain things I do, I know that she truly loves me for who I am as an individual.

December 1, 2014

So I came here looking for support and advice hopefully from those in the community that have more experience in this than I do. Well here I go...

So I just turned nineteen a few days ago and my partner turned nineteen last month so we are still fairly young so the topic of sexuality has only been seriously brought up in our relationship a few times. My boyfriend and I have been dating for what will be four years this upcoming February. I love him, more than I could have ever imagined loving a person. The amount that we understand each other on such a deep intense level sometimes is unfathomable for myself. Before him I honestly thought no one would ever love me due to my appearance, personality, interests or whatever; my self-estem was so low that I honestly couldnt stand myself as a person, but I hid it from everyone. The summer before my first year of highschool I met my now boyfriend due to another person I was persuing at the time. After I met him though I felt like I truly connected with someone, just by meeting him once. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew there was something. A spark something I couldnt just let go of. Sadly at the time he was with another person and I held off any advanced do to respect for them. During that fall I had dated his friend for only a few months and broke it off after realizing I couldn't date someone I had no feelings for. His friend hated me told everyone how horrid of a person I was and that he couldnt understand how I had ever made any friends by how much of a 'bitch' I was. After that though my current boyfriend and I still remained friends even after all the things his friend/ my ex told everyone. That winter his girlfriend and him broke up and we became closer we began to see eachother in person rather than online and it came to the point where we would stay up until 4 a.m. just to talk about the universe. I think I knew I loved him then, but afraid of what his friend might do or say or the fear of losing my now closest friend I didnt want to risk our friendship for something so fleeting as love. For over a year we remained friends, closer than anything until finally we both were honest and told each other our feelings. We took everything slow, we were together for a few months before we gave each other our first kiss. I was the one who always tried to further our physical side to our relationship, whether it be french kissing or cuddling it was always me and it worried me at first. I thought it was do to my appearance that he did not want anything more physical. After two years I started to question why he didn't persue a more sexual relationship, I thought of all the excuses such as we were too young, we couldnt at our parents house, maybe he hadn't hit that stage of puperty or matured yet. So I didn't push it, I mentally told myself I'd let him decide when to make the move since I had with everything else and I wanted him to be ready and be on his terms. After a year of that we were in college and I began to question again when it would happen. I used to call him my sheepish little lamb because he wasnt too fond of physical aspects of a relationship, he didn't pariticpate in what most boys his age would and he always would apologize when acidentally brushing against my breast. Now though I questioned why, at the very beginning of our relationship he told me he never wanted to, but I didn't understand or really believe him so I brushed it off. Finally I was thinking he was serious, I didn't understand why. My friend suggested to me that he was gay and I was his cover which was the most hurtful thing I'd ever heard from someone. I was in love with this person, and he loved me; he just didn't want to have sex with me... I didn't understand. Asexual was a term that was then used by another friend of mine, it all seemed to line up and make sense when I finally heard that term. I had never asked him in depth why due to my own confidence issues in the aspect of sexuality and my own shyness as well as his. This term though was like a lightbulb, finally after a few months after I heard that term my friend asked him if he was and he openly said yes. I was floored, part of my heart sunk into my chest because I loved him and wanted to have a sexual relationship with him for so long. It was definate now though, a few days later we talked for so long on Skype about our relationship. I told him I knew I was sexual, but I still loved him and wanted to be with him and he told me he loved me as well. He told me if I needed to have sex with other people he would understand, but I couldnt participate in a relationship like that. So I told him I'd give up that desire so I could be with him. For the last six months I've been dealing with that choice, I love him all the same, but sometimes I wake up crying knowing I'll never be able to have something most people get to experience in their lives at least once. The other night we finally had a long talk was we laid in his bed cuddling we talked for three hours about what we want for our life together and we discussed our sexualities in depth for the first time. It was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders, but I still feel a sense of loss over this. People say that it won't work between us, but honestly I'd give up everything to be with him for the rest of my life. I want a life with him where we can cook meals and watch cartoons and play games, but I need to find a way to be happy with myself sexually. Cuddling is beautiful, and kissing is as well, but theres still a part of me that needs something more and I don't know how to help that. For those of you who read this book of a post thank you, if you have any advice I'd really love to hear it. I need all the help I can get, its been hard finding people to talk to or who understand the situation or have even know what asexuality is much less been in a long term relationship with an asexual partner. So thanks again. <3

Hi Seryu,

I'm a newbie here as well and also have an asexual partner. I can relate to the feeling of loss that you seem to have. I'm not sure if this really helps but I'd say to follow your heart in this matter, and don't give up if this is the person that you do choose to be with. This matter is a very personal one for you and only you can decide what is right but I would say don't give up. I would start off by trying to weigh out the benefits of being this person over the negatives. Its kind of dorky, but I actually made a chart at one point of the positives and negatives of being in an asexual relationship, which was kind of eye opening to have everything in front of my eyes. The negatives were only a few bedroom related things and a long list of positives which was disproportionately longer lol. For me in my journey with my girlfriend I've done a lot of searching and questioning myself in the beginning as to whether or not I was good for this person or visa versa- which is INCREDIBLY difficult to ask yourself especially when you feel so connected with this person. However I think that its important to seriously ask yourself this if you're thinking of making a commitment to someone and theres a large difference in ideals such as this. Its scary, but critical to do this. I think that you'll thank yourself for making what ever decision you make if you make it informed and mindfully. I'll share a bit of my perspective, I'm 25 now and have known this person ever since year one of high school.

I always wanted to be closer to this person but would always shy away, but quite some time ago our relationship began to flourish into friends and eventually progressed into a relationship. I've had to ask myself do I really want to be with this person and am I right for them, especially considering that I'm very cuddly and she's less so. In my experience this is kind of difficult to get used to, but I try to remember that she has her own needs too and that I need to respect them. I also came to appreciate acts of affection alot more I would say. In fact I would say that my long term asexy relationship taught me what a relationship really is. When I was younger, especially around your age I thought of relationships as being based around sex in order to be considered normal or successful. But being with my ace I learned that sex is such a small part of any relationship. I look at all the things that my ace and I have that other people dont- our bond is incredibly strong. In fact both of us remark that other people seem to be intimidated by our bond. And I've never had a relationship as deep and amazing with any other person. I feel kind of lucky because it seems that theres alot of problems we'll never have to deal with regarding the bedroom.

I learned that there's so much more to being with a person than the act of sex, and shes the one who taught me about that without intending to do so. I also feel incredible when I'm with her and we never have over all these years ran out of things to say. We've made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together, and relationship wise I've came to terms that though we don't have sex I feel fulfilled in every other area personally. We love spending time together, support each other's dreams, sleep together- make long term plans together. Considering everything I have I feel very lucky and wouldn't trade her for any other person.

I would say that in the beginning its definitely not easy(especially if your partner is very attractive), you both need to talk a lot and always be aware of how the other person feels- also try to find out how he defines his asexuality so you understand him deeper. Be thankful for the relationship you're in, and try not to focus on what you don't have- think about and give thanks for what you two share. In the beginning I've tried to understand her perspective which has really helped. In some ways I consider people to be alot like robots, each of us have been uniquely programmed and have different soft ware. I cant control how other people are programmed and visa versa, nor should I wish to change it. And though she has a different set of code than I do in one area, it doesn't mean that she loves me any less- she just experiences things in a different way. Though she may not enjoy certain things I do, I know that she truly loves me for who I am as an individual.

Thank you c: This helps a lot. Honestly I thought about all the things that we do have and I plan to sit down and really think about what I have rather than what I'm losing and you know its funny I think I just needed someone to say think of it in a glass half full perspective and it truly helps. I love my partner, he gets me in so many ways and I wouldn't give up the time I've had for anything. I think the struggle of being sexually frustrated will cause me issues and I think I still need to learn how to sedate it. I'm excited for what the future holds for us, I want to be able to come home to him and just have every moment I can with him. I hope that its just my ragging hormones from being a nineteen year old virigin girl will subside. I honestly feel like they are holding me back in a lot of ways and I wish I could just let them go. Its really nice to hear people working out, especially with all the negativity I've been hearing from those around me.

December 5, 2014

Hi all, this is my first post, great site and has been very informative I'm new to asexuality it has taken a lot of time to read all 18 pages of this topic. I am a sexual man, I had only had intercouse twice before meting my wife, I was 38 and she 34.

My wife of 22 years, told me last month that she is asexual I'm not sure she is. Let me give you a condensed history of events that have lead us to the position we are at now.

We dated/lived together for a year before getting married, she got pregnant 8 months later (I was not consulted about here stopping the pill) but we were so happy, we looked and found a house in the country to start our family about three months later. Up to this time the sex was good, 3-4 times a week, she was more experienced than me and told me I was a good lover and she enjoyed the sex, but as soon as the house purchase was confined all intimacy of any kind stopped completely. However during this early period she was more adventure's and often initiated sex more than me. Although there was no intimacy of any kind for 6 months she was wanted sex as the baby was overdue and she believed it would start labour.

And after the birth of course no intimacy for another 16 month's then she's pregnant again after one night (supposed to have been safe). Then again 3 years later one night of passion and again she got pregnant. She then told me that she had not wanted to get pregnant again and that was why she wouldn't be intermat as that would lead to sex, so after our there'd child we had a discussion and I agreed to have a vasectomy, still no intimacy of any kind or sex. That's how it's been for the last 17 well if you ignore the two one nighter 21 year's years of enforced celibacy.

I know the label asexual is self assigned and she has, but is this in keeping with asexual behaviour or was I just the means to get pregnant, have a family and be provided for. She only told me she was asexual in response to an ultimatum for thing to change as I have finally had enough of promises of thing's would change and our kids are now able to look after themselves. I'm now too old to find anyone else but I don't have to be a doormat any longer.

I'm now ramblings sorry,

December 5, 2014

Hi all, this is my first post, great site and has been very informative I'm new to asexuality it has taken a lot of time to read all 18 pages of this topic. I am a sexual man, I had only had intercouse twice before meting my wife, I was 38 and she 34.

My wife of 22 years, told me last month that she is asexual I'm not sure she is. Let me give you a condensed history of events that have lead us to the position we are at now.

We dated/lived together for a year before getting married, she got pregnant 8 months later (I was not consulted about here stopping the pill) but we were so happy, we looked and found a house in the country to start our family about three months later. Up to this time the sex was good, 3-4 times a week, she was more experienced than me and told me I was a good lover and she enjoyed the sex, but as soon as the house purchase was confined all intimacy of any kind stopped completely. However during this early period she was more adventure's and often initiated sex more than me. Although there was no intimacy of any kind for 6 months she was wanted sex as the baby was overdue and she believed it would start labour.

And after the birth of course no intimacy for another 16 month's then she's pregnant again after one night (supposed to have been safe). Then again 3 years later one night of passion and again she got pregnant. She then told me that she had not wanted to get pregnant again and that was why she wouldn't be intermat as that would lead to sex, so after our there'd child we had a discussion and I agreed to have a vasectomy, still no intimacy of any kind or sex. That's how it's been for the last 17 well if you ignore the two one nighter 21 year's years of enforced celibacy.

I know the label asexual is self assigned and she has, but is this in keeping with asexual behaviour or was I just the means to get pregnant, have a family and be provided for. She only told me she was asexual in response to an ultimatum for thing to change as I have finally had enough of promises of thing's would change and our kids are now able to look after themselves. I'm now too old to find anyone else but I don't have to be a doormat any longer.

I'm now ramblings sorry,

If I did the math correctly you are not to old. I am sorry things turned out the way they have. Best of luck at finding happiness if you chose to leave and contentment if you chose to stay. Please understand there are others on here that do and have been where you are, I must say my life has not been that deprived yet I do understand the feelings of loving an asexual. My husband identifies as a Gray A.

December 8, 2014

How do you forget all the lies, deceit, broken promises because you feelings/ happiness count for nothing to the one you you love, trusted and always put first along with the kids. Now that our kids are setting out on their own well almost all, I suppose she could now tell me she was asexual as a way of to get out of her life as she has no need to keep me around with promises that things will get better, the mortgage is paid off, there are no debts. Well who would want a sixty + guy, that put his life on hold because he was lied to for his whole married life and couldn't tell, has lost all thrust in his own judgment and could never trust any woman again.

I now that I'm angry, bitter, depressed, not loved, spiteful not because she is asexual but she was lying and deceitful through all of our married life and before. I don't know if it would have made any difference but I wouldn't have been hoping and longing for something that's not possible.

I feel very jealous of the sexual on here that have intimacy, I wish she could give me just a little but that ship has sailed, she won't even read some of the post's on on compromise. It was she that suggested I should find out more about asexuality from hear.

December 8, 2014

How do you forget all the lies, deceit, broken promises because you feelings/ happiness count for nothing to the one you you love, trusted and always put first along with the kids. Now that our kids are setting out on their own well almost all, I suppose she could now tell me she was asexual as a way of to get out of her life as she has no need to keep me around with promises that things will get better, the mortgage is paid off, there are no debts. Well who would want a sixty + guy, that put his life on hold because he was lied to for his whole married life and couldn't tell, has lost all thrust in his own judgment and could never trust any woman again.

I now that I'm angry, bitter, depressed, not loved, spiteful not because she is asexual but she was lying and deceitful through all of our married life and before. I don't know if it would have made any difference but I wouldn't have been hoping and longing for something that's not possible.

I feel very jealous of the sexual on here that have intimacy, I wish she could give me just a little but that ship has sailed, she won't even read some of the post's on on compromise. It was she that suggested I should find out more about asexuality from hear.

.

I am mostlikely older than you and often get in trouble on here for posting my feelings and have been labeled as bitter and told to get over it or leave. So I can only speak from personal knowledge. I only found this site a little over 2 1/2 years ago until then I was buying and reading every book I could find looking for a reason for our problem, I have been married to my Gray A for just over 43 years. He refused to read any of the post on here I copied the home page and gave it to him to read and he was very upset with me for weeks until one post that I showed him he thought I had written, yet i hadn't. His remark was "that's just like us" so he then read enough to say he was asexual. However he is able to do something's and now battles ED because he can not remember any of our previous sexual acts to build off. For him each act starts off as if it were his first. I initiated all for the first 20 years and taking the advise in one book which said I was robbing him of his masculinity and needed to allow him to make the first move, this was the worst advise I ever had. It was the beginning of our rapid down hill drop that has now, in my opinion, lead to his ED. We seldom ever have sex anymore and for ME having found out about asexuality it has taken away the Hope and changed how I feel about our sex that there is very little pleasure in it any longer.

If your wife just found out that she is asexual then forgive her, she had no more idea what was going on than you did. If she has known and didn't tell you then that is different. The one thing I know is MY husband LOVES me as much as he is capable of loving another humanbeing, it is just not the type of Love I was looking for. For me it is more of a sibling type of love than a sexual romanic desirable passionate kind I had hoped for.

Yes it hurts greatly that all my dreams will never be experienced. We had four children together who I believe are as asexual as their father yet they refuse to read this site and I have not gone into details with them because they will not understand.

I can not tell you how to get past all the hurt everyone has to do that on their own. Some can do this better than others and it is my belief that it all depends on where their level of importance sex is on their scale and how well they are able to fill the void with other elements of their relationship. If there is good communication and mutual activities that they are able to connect through I feel it is easier for them to find comfort. For me it is hard because my husband self entertains. He is content to be left alone and has hobbies that I am not interested in. We share very little, and I guess since I am left with more time on my hands now than before my mind tends to want to fill that time with the dreams I had and which often still are very much a part of who I am.

I was a Housewife and stay at home mother and caregiver for three members of my family and extended family. I was never very good in school and still can not spell. I stay because I Do love him and it would destroy him if I left along with my family who would never understand. Also because I am not capable of providing enough to live on alone. However I have watched others my age find happiness so you can too if you wish to look.

I wish you both Happiness and I know for me it is always the hardest around the Holidays. Weigh your choices and don't make any rash dissensions.

December 11, 2014

Just tried to get to sleep next to my wife for the past three hour's, my mind keeps flashing back happyer times twenty three years ago when we wood caudal and make love. Now I have a wife as cold as a Siberian winter, all she wants is to be friends I'm just the housemate that pays the bills, unloved and dispensable. She won't talk, "she has had a happy life" no intimacy, no sex that's you problem. Life sucks.

December 17, 2014

I'm brand new to this website. I'm already thankful for all the input, but am hopine if I share my story I'll be able to get some more specific advice. I'm a very sexual 30 year old, and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for a short year and 1/2, and 6 months of that was long distance, but we moved in together about 4 months ago. In the beginning of our relationship, we would attempt sex, and it would never work, but at first he seemed to enjoy foreplay. Once our relationship became a long distance one, our sexual relationship ceased to exist. He is very hard to communicate with, I'm not so great at it myself, and even though I tried to bring up the topic several times, it was never really addressed. What I got out of our conversations was that the stress from work, our long distance relationship and him being unable to perform previously was the reason we weren't being physical. We love each other and long distance was awful, so I moved in with him a few months ago. Since I have lived here, I have become obsessively thinking about our sex life to the point where it was disrupting my sleep and making me feel crazy, so a couple of nights ago I told him this was happening, and he, in many words without actually saying it, told me that he was asexual. I spent the next day depressed, as leading up to this I was thinking this was something physical or psychological that could be changed, but i now realize this is who he is. First, I feel helpless because i had been thinking this was something we could work on. I'm frustrated, because I am a sexual person and masturbation doesn't seem to satisfy my feeling that I need a sexual relationship. When he kissed me goodbye this morning I could tell he was trying to feel something more, when now just a kiss turns me on. How do I deal with this imbalance? How do I deal with the frustration of being turned on when he merely touches me and knowing it'll never go the direction my brain tells me it wants it to go? He also told me that he feels pressure from me, even though I rarely actually say anything about it; he says he can feel it from me. How do I give him space without coming off cold? Do you feel this is something he has to admit to to work through even though I've realized it? And lastly, does anyone have any suggestions on rerouting my brain so that I can stop telling myself that being sexual in some for is necessary for a healthy relationship to work? Anyone have any book suggestions?

December 17, 2014

RiLady, welcome to AVEN.

This won't be much help, but from what you say, he pretty much has admitted to being asexual. As such, he really can't work on that, since it is who he is, just being asexual is who you are. You could talk together about any compromise in activity that both of you think might work, but those compromises won't change how each of you feel, which is quite differently.

January 4, 2015

I just finished watching a 4:30 am documentary on "asexuality". I have to say , my eyes are opened and I finally have some perspective. I am embaressed to admit that i had never heard the term asexuality and it never occured to me that there is a whole population out there living this lifestye.

I really think the message needs to get out there.

I am 57 yrs old female married to an asexual man. Years of suffering, emotionally blaming myself for his lack of interest. Years of counseling -- no one ever suggested he may be asexual.

I feel surprisingly relieved. Its hard to describe. For the first time ever, i have a new perspective. This is not about me not being good enough. I have secretly believed he must be interested in men or children or .......-----fill in the blank----just trying to understand his ceibacy. He has always casually told me that he doesnt have a problem. He truely does not care about about a sexual relationsip with me and tries to assure me that he has no sexual interest in anyone. I have to believe him, he doesnt go anywhere or see anyone. It has never made any sense to me. My frustration has presented in years of depression, counceling, self help groups, religious persuits and misery. My friends who i have dared to confied in can not understand why i am still with him. People who do not know about our lack of intimacy comment on how well suited we are. We are like brother and sister. There isn't a day that goes by that this is not on my mind. I consider leaving him every day and my self esteem is about as low as it can get. I

January 24, 2015

I have been in a relationship for about 4 months. I'm a 24 year old guy, she's a 27 year old virgin woman (thought I added her virginity because I thought it was important). Although she does not identify as asexual, she has a very very low sex drive that rivals asexuality. I'm sexual. I love sex. But I also love her. And she loves me too. She is kind and caring. She has been there for me in these very hard 4 months that rivals a sibling. She is well-read and educated. I can carry on a conversation about a number of topics like science, religion, sexual orientation (that has nothing to deal with actual sex). At the beginning, I thought of her being inexperience when it comes to sex. She is very inexperienced, but only due to the fact that she doesn't have a drive like sexuals. I don't know the rules on how graphic I can be on this forum, so I will just say that our few encounters with sexual experiences (Non-PiV) didn't go anywhere. And the lack of sex is getting to me. I'm craving that feeling again, and I'm pressuring her. And I feel she is pressuring me to stay abstinent. She has offered sex. But if we do it, I want her to enjoy it. I don't know what to say. I love her. She is awesome. But I want sex again. I want to experience that feeling again, sharing an event between two people who love each other. I don't want to move on. She talked about an open relationship, but I don't want anyone else. I want her. Am I a bad person for wanting sex? I mean it's natural. But I feel like a villain for asking for sex. Self esteem is low as hell. I feel like crap.

I know the answer to this riddle though. As one of my favorite videogame characters once said, "Cold hard arithmetic". It's simple. I break up with her, right? I mean it's impossible for someone to value sex and someone who values celibacy to have a romantic relationship, right? If I take out the emotions involved, that is the answer. I'm a fucking monster, it's bullshit. I can't deal with these fucking feelings right now. This girl clicks with me like a fucking lego. We are so close to each other yet we are worlds apart.

Final question, should I blame myself for not putting her above sex or should I blame the situation as a whole?

January 24, 2015

CTHU: There is no one to blame. You are not to blame for wanting sex; she is not to blame for not wanting sex. Neither of those situations is unfortunate for the individuals you are, but it is unfortunate to have that situation be the case between two people who otherwise are very suited to each other.

The thing to remember is that neither of you can change the other; there is nothing that can be fixed. I think (as an asexual) that it is perfectly natural for sexuals to not only want sex, but to want sex with someone they love who ALSO wants sex. From my long relationships with sexuals, I know that that mutuality of desire was important to them.

That is not going to happen in your relationship. There may be some compromise that can be worked out between you, regarding certain things that she can tolerate, or certain things that you don't absolutely need. That's for the two of you to talk about. If there can be no compromise reached regarding sex, then other decisions will have to be arrived at, again through discussion.

I hope the two of you can achieve some form of compromise, because it sounds like you really love her. Good luck. Check out more threads on this section of AVEN -- a LOT of people have discussed and are discussing the kind of situation you're in.

January 24, 2015

Thanks. Your words speak true. I'll have a look around.

January 24, 2015

Final question, should I blame myself for not putting her above sex or should I blame the situation as a whole?

It's perfectly fine and I think it's great of you to admit this to yourself, rather than trying to adhere to some ideal. If sex is that important to you, that's just that. Don't try to make a relationship work that you're not happy with.

March 5, 2015

Hi! This is my first time posting, but I need some help...I'm an 18 year old girl and yeah, I'm young. There's this amazing boy that I like, but he's asexual and I'm sexual. It's not that I crave sex, but I'm a very intimate person. I like cuddles and kissing and touching. I need that affection or else I feel like I'm not good enough or something. He doesn't really like affection. Sometimes he'll hug me or cuddle me but then he'll push me away and sometimes he won't talk to me. He says sometimes he gets really clingy and then he'll get distant. I want to be in a relationship with him but how do I get over this emotional struggle? I want to tell him that I just need a hug every once in a while but is that asking too much?

March 5, 2015

Hi! This is my first time posting, but I need some help...I'm an 18 year old girl and yeah, I'm young. There's this amazing boy that I like, but he's asexual and I'm sexual. It's not that I crave sex, but I'm a very intimate person. I like cuddles and kissing and touching. I need that affection or else I feel like I'm not good enough or something. He doesn't really like affection. Sometimes he'll hug me or cuddle me but then he'll push me away and sometimes he won't talk to me. He says sometimes he gets really clingy and then he'll get distant. I want to be in a relationship with him but how do I get over this emotional struggle? I want to tell him that I just need a hug every once in a while but is that asking too much?

For him, it might be too much.

Honestly, all you can do is explain your needs, find his needs, see if they mesh, and don't kill yourself trying to force something when those two lists don't go together.

March 14, 2015

I can only speak for myself from my experiences with my Gray A husband (his label not mine). If I had known when I was dating him what I know about Asexuality now and that he was a gray a, I would have kept him as a friend and found someone else as a partner. After more than 42 years of marriage and all of the heart ache of mismatched needs I think we both would have been happier with some one that matched our need closer. Having said that, I still LOVE him but it is not the deep emotional romantic love that I had longed for, it is more of a compatible familiar trusting sibling kind of love not the romantic kind I was hoping for.

March 16, 2015

User1 ... I have discussed with my husband that perhaps he should see a doctor, maybe his testosterone levels are low or he depressed or something else.. and he always agrees that it is a good idea and he will make an appointment... but then never does.

We ordered the over-the-counter testosterone boosters for people who work-out to see if that might help, and he took them religiously for a week then stopped without telling me, allowing me to think he had been taking them still. That was a very big fight.

Part of my frustration is that I could accept it if he made an effort, but it really seems at times he doesn't care that I am unhappy. He feels like it is my problem and I should deal with it on my own (of course without masterbating anywhere near or around him and without looking elsewhere for sex).

I wonder if he's afraid that there is something wrong with him physically and so wants to avoid going to the doctor so that he will not have to find out sometimes.

Like I said before, this is extra confusing because, for a time, there were no problems sexually between us.

I have tried to get him to come here, read about this, but he is resistant to that, too. I have a lot of male friends, all of whom are convinced he is cheating on me because his behavior is so out of the norm, but I know he is not. There simply is not enough time or oppertunity for him to do so. He gets mad at me for talking about our private issues with my friends, and here as well, but I ask him what else am I supposed to do?

He won't do the things he has promised to do, he won't allow me to please myself, he has said he would leave if I took a lover, and now I am not supposed to talk about it either?

I almost wonder if he isn't punishing me, or trying to push me to leave him, though he claims he is not when I ask. Like I said, this is just a really messed up situation and I am at the end of my rope.

Finally! Somebody gets it! I have done every possible thing to make myself as attractive as I can be. ( I'm a pretty descent looking guy) I have persuaded, I have asked really really nicely for her to seek professional help or for to the soc and see if its hormonal, I have lit candles, wrote poems, surprised her with romantic getaways, uhhhhh.. begged, pleaded, stayed up all night talking about it. But she has absolutely '0' interest in trying.

I think that what led me to search out answers was last weekend.

It was our tenth anniversary. It is a major milestone for us, we almost didn't make it. Really. Last year was a bad year for us. But we overcame, and I realized by almost loosing her that I truly do live her with all my heart. I am 100% devoted to my wife and I am pretty sure that regardless of what happens, I will be with her from now on, if she will allow me to.

So, any who, I booked us a nice room at in the city, we went out to eat, we talked and laughed and all was well. We came back to the room and had a few drinks, I don't pressure her AT ALL because I didn't feel that this night was in jeopardy.... because it is our tenth anniversary. We hadn't been intament in a while so I was totally OK. She went to the RR to get freshened up, came back looking gorgeous, and we kissed and stuff, and then she just started apologizing for what was not about to happen. SO.... not only was she not feeling anything but she had no intention at all of trying to. It is our freaking anniversary. The one we almost didn't have! And its like; oh well, sorry. Good night. ....WTF? IM SORRY. BUT REALLY.. WTF? I get that you don't feel sexual feelings like most people but for Christ's sake can you not EVER take into consideration what this person who loves you is feeling?????????

March 16, 2015

Chum, I think Allotasm has said what I could say better and very briefly: if your needs and the needs of your wife don't mesh, you may have to seriously consider that as far as the future. Neither of you can change your feelings. You can't suppress your feelings, and she can't pretend to feel something she doesn't feel. Talk realistically with each other, without blame.

March 16, 2015

Thanks for your reply. I have been steadily trying to talk to her for years. She has an idea what I am going through, but has never made the slightest effort to ease my pain. For years I was certain she was just really cold hearted and selfish. But now I realize that when I try to tell her how I feel, I may as well be speaking another language.she doesn't have a clue what I feel cause she has never felt it. And odds are, never will. I will not quit. Be cause I love her. For reasons that would take me a lot of space to tell. I really do

March 16, 2015

And you may not have a clue about how she feels. The two of you are different, and if you continue to go at it from the point of view that she isn't easing your pain, the dissonance will go on. At some point, you may have to make a decision, because what you do about your feelings is up to you, just as what she does is up to her.

March 16, 2015

...I have lit candles, wrote poems, surprised her with romantic getaways, uhhhhh.. begged, pleaded, stayed up all night talking about it. But she has absolutely '0' interest in trying.

I think that what led me to search out answers was last weekend.

It was our tenth anniversary. It is a major milestone for us, we almost didn't make it. Really. Last year was a bad year for us. But we overcame, and I realized by almost loosing her that I truly do live her with all my heart. I am 100% devoted to my wife and I am pretty sure that regardless of what happens, I will be with her from now on, if she will allow me to.

So, any who, I booked us a nice room at in the city, we went out to eat, we talked and laughed and all was well. We came back to the room and had a few drinks, I don't pressure her AT ALL because I didn't feel that this night was in jeopardy.... because it is our tenth anniversary. We hadn't been intament in a while so I was totally OK. She went to the RR to get freshened up, came back looking gorgeous, and we kissed and stuff, and then she just started apologizing for what was not about to happen. SO.... not only was she not feeling anything but she had no intention at all of trying to. It is our freaking anniversary. The one we almost didn't have! And its like; oh well, sorry. Good night. ....WTF? IM SORRY. BUT REALLY.. WTF? I get that you don't feel sexual feelings like most people but for Christ's sake can you not EVER take into consideration what this person who loves you is feeling?????????

I bolded that line because it stood out to me...I think it's hard to grasp that our expectations are very much pressure.

You also mentioned that you've had lots of talks and I'm guessing she's probably very much aware of and understands the pain, frustration, and disappointment you feel...just because she doesn't feel those things for the same reasons you do, doesn't mean she doesn't know what those feelings are (which you do imply in the next quote).

I know this sounds harsh, but would you want your pain to be eased if you knew it would cause her pain to do so? I think Sally is right in that you feel she doesn't understand, but what about you understanding her feelings? Sometimes people suffer inside and don't tend to complain. Is it possible that she has suffered just as much or even more and you don't know it?

Thanks for your reply. I have been steadily trying to talk to her for years. She has an idea what I am going through, but has never made the slightest effort to ease my pain. For years I was certain she was just really cold hearted and selfish. But now I realize that when I try to tell her how I feel, I may as well be speaking another language.she doesn't have a clue what I feel cause she has never felt it. And odds are, never will. I will not quit. Be cause I love her. For reasons that would take me a lot of space to tell. I really do

I honestly hope that when you say you won't quit, you simply mean you won't quit loving her. Trying to get her to ease your pain (through sexual fulfillment) is probably something you should quit.

It was probably the hardest thing I ever did in my marriage, but I had to realize and take responsibility for my emotional pain about something that couldn't be changed...and it changed everything.

I think a person has to take stock of themselves and decide if sex is something you can be happy without. If you know you can't, I don't think it's healthy for you to continue to try to make someone who doesn't want it comply with your needs. She might even want to make you happy that way, but from what you wrote, it's too much of an internal compromise for her.

March 16, 2015

Background : my wife was abused by an uncle when she was in her early teens. When i met her she was 20 abd had been with one steady boyfriend before me. They had sex missionary stile usually with their clothes on fairly regularly. Thats it. She recently confided to me that in fact she had neverseen an actual adult penis until she saw mine. She said she never looked and they didnt get naked. She had never touched one until mine and that was because i asked her too repeatedly and she acted like she was picking up a live rattkesnake or something. She has NEVER masturbated and won't even touch herself unless she has to.

I felt that if you guys were interested in giving me your opinions and insight that you should probably know more.

So...know I'm outnumbered but here goes...my wife does not need or want intimacy during sex to be fulfilled . I Do need intimacy during sex to be fulfilled. Her needs are exactly as important as mine, and vice versa. Correct? We have been together 12 years. In those twelve years we have made love let's say 200 times. Of those 200 times exactly 200 of them have been completely her way. I have shut my mouth and everything goes exactly as she wants it 100% of the time. Never ever one time has she even made an effort to try anything other than what her comfort zone is. Which is lay down - do it quick as possible- and get up. No kissing, no foreplay, no oral , no nothing. So please one of you tell me just how it is that I am wrong to expect her to be the one to give just one damn time.Just one. Take a chance, are you afraid you might like it? Heaven forbid.

So now everybody tell me all about how I'm supposed to understand and give and give and give. Well I been giving and I'm just about give in and give up. Is it too much for her to give any at all, ever?

March 16, 2015

Friendship only other color only true love. Asexual nothing to do with. Friendship same high feeling and important in a relationship. As there is no life without love and without friendship the same love of a different color)) It's like a pink color on your avatar and light green color of friendship.) The first raising gives life, the second preserves harmony and maintain a stable life .. They can be together and separately. The best course together ... If not the first then the second at least not let people suffer the negative and the misfortune to go to the corpse .. I'm on this site https://kovla.com/datings/us/madison met many asexual people. If interested then wait for you to visit!

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